08x20 - Do the Carmine

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
Post Reply

08x20 - Do the Carmine

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

CARMINE: That's it,
Squigg, that's it. I've had it.

No more radio stations.

I'm tired of begging
disc jockeys

to play my record
"Do the Hotfoot."

Carmine Ragusa, you
swallow your tongue.

I don't ever want to hear
you talk like that again.

Now, you know
this is a good record,

I know this is a good record,

even that jerk over
there knows it's a...

Well...

knock me down
with a ten-foot pole.

But is that jerk over there
the same jerk I think he is?

Yeah, you got that
right. That is Bobby Bitts,

the King of the Hits, the
host of American Dance Party.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, now
you're gonna see some...

high-priced agentry
go right into action.

- I'm gonna earn me my 80%.
- Ten, ten percent.

Quibble, quibble, quibble.

(sneezes loudly)

Excuse me, excuse me.

My. Excuse me, aren't you, um,

Bobby Bitts, King of the Hits?

You are. Oh, you look
so much thinner in person.

On TV, you're like a...

Uh, allow me to
introduce myself.

My name is Colonel Andrew
Squiggman of Squiggtone...

Squiggtone Records and Tapes.
Perhaps you've heard of us?

Yes, that's me, all right,
Colonel Andrew Squiggman,

and, uh, I'm prepared
to, uh, well, do you a favor

that you'll be glad to owe
me for, for the rest of your life.

I really don't have time.
I'm waiting for my food.

Ah, I understand, I understand.
You're a busy executive.

No executive can-can
eat on an empty stomach.

That makes all the
sense in the world to me.

Miss?

I'm the same way myself.

In fact, I had hives
for close to a year.

You know, I'll never
forget the time that...

(yawns) ♪ Gonna miss
me when you're in love ♪

- (record crunches)
- Oh!

- What is this?
- Well, you must admit

it's a rather tasty tune.

Hey, I come here...

I didn't come here
to do business.

I came here to have lunch.

What are you giving me here?

What am I giving you
here? I'll tell you what I'm

giving you here: I'm
giving you a hit record, sir.

You put it on your show,
and it's got to be a hit.

And my client, Carmine Ragusa,
will be an overnight sensation.

If this was a hit, it wouldn't
have pickles and mustard

and relish on it.
Leave me alone!

Who owns this place?! Hey!

Well, actually, it's
owned by a conglomerate.

You see, the Krupp
family bought it

when they came
over to this country...

What? What is it?
What's going on here?

What is that?!

- You did it again, huh?
- I didn't do nothing.

- You did it again.
- (muttering)

All right, out,
out, out, out, out!

Get! Go! Move! (snarling)

(stammers) Here,
here. I'll tell you what.

Here, just put the
ketchup on the end.

(mutters) With
mustard, mix it up, great.

I'm gonna get you another
hamburger on the house.

Well, I told you, Squigg.

Listen, Carmine, listen,
don't let that bring you down.

There's-there's only one way

we can get that guy
to hear our record.

Tie him to a chair
and make him listen.

Well, maybe there are two ways.

But we don't have any rope,
so we got to try the other way,

and that's to sing the
song for him right here.

Squigg, I can't
sing without music.

Aw, what are you talking about?
We got music in the jukebox.

All your songs are there.

We'll just put a dime
in there, play the song,

and you'll be
able to sing to it.

- Yeah, good idea.
- All right.

Say, uh, Carmine, I'm
a little short on cash.

Do you think you
could see me to a dime?

Ah, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

Attention, everybod...

Geez, I can't understand.

It always worked for that kid
in Milwaukee we used to know.

What was his name?

- Uh, Arthur?
- I don't know.

Something like that. Who knows?

He's probably serving five
to ten on a molest charge.

Let's try this thing.

(mumbling)

Attention, everybody!

Now you are about
to hear the latest hit

from Carmine Ragusa
called "Do The Hotfoot."

Do it!

♪ Hey, everybody,
get on the floor ♪

♪ You know all the dances,
well, here's one more ♪

- ♪ Do the hotfoot... ♪
- Hold it, hold it.

- (music stops)
- SQUIGGY: Hey, it worked.

Whoa, hey, ooh.

Is that your song?

Uh...

Oh, you hated it. You
hated it, didn't you?

Oh, no, no, superific.
Absolutely superific.

What'd you say this
guy's name was?

Ah, so now you
come begging, huh?

Carmine Ragusa.

Carmine Ragusa,
that's a catchy name.

- I like that name.
- Thank you.

- What do you call the record?
- Uh, "Do The Hotfoot."

- "Do The Hotfoot."
- Well, not anymore.

When you do it on
American Dance Party,

we're gonna change
"hotfoot" to your name.

- "Do the Ragusa"?
- That's brilliant.

Ragusa sounds
like spaghetti sauce.

We'll call it "Do The Carmine."

You'll do it on my show
Saturday night, huh?

I'm gonna be on... I'm
gonna be on his show!

I'm gonna be on American
Dance Party doing the Carmine!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Don't get so happy.

Just a second here, sir.

Let's talk money, shall we?

Fine. You don't get any.

Deal.

- (door opens)
- CARMINE: Laverne?

- I got great news.
- What?

I am going to be on
American Dance Party.

Oh, yeah, you
are. Get out of here.

No, no, no, no, no,
really. I'm serious.

- Really?
- Yeah.

American Dance Party?

- Oh, Carmine, that's my favorite show!
- American...

I love that show! I used to
rush home from school every day

and practice
dancing with a broom.

- You did that, too?
- Yeah!

I still have a thing for tall,

skinny, blond-haired boys.

Well, get out your
favorite tall, skinny blond,

'cause I am gonna
be on Saturday.

- Not this Saturday.
- Yup.

No, that's garbage protest day.

That's what I'm making
all these signs for.

Uh, don't you know
what's going around?

- No.
- Oh, come over here, Carmine.

Boy, you haven't
even become a star,

and you lost all
touch with reality.

You know that
field right over there,

- right behind the cat lady's house?
- Yeah?

They want to put a
garbage dump in there.

And some people have
already started to dump.

That means we are gonna
be waking up in the mornings

to the sound of flies chirping.

That's awful.

Yeah, you think it's awful
now, wait until the wind changes.

Oh, Carmine, Carmine,
what a bummer.

I really want to see you
on American Dance Party.

Maybe... Hey!

Maybe I could get someone to
stand in the picket line for me.

I could see you on TV.

- Would you do that for me, Laverne?
- Yeah.

Aw, great, 'cause,
uh, no, thanks.

I was, uh... I was kind
of hoping you'd be there,

'cause, well, I'm
a little nervous,

I mean, what if America
hates doing the Carmine?

Why would they hate it?

The Carmine happens
to be a great dance.

Oh, come on, I can see it now.

You are gonna
be such a big star.

I can see you running
all the way to the bank.

And not just for those
free calendars, either.

Driving around in limousines.

- Yeah, you think so?
- Yeah, I know so.

You know, Laverne, I always
wanted to drive in a limousine.

Only I was afraid
I'd be the one, uh,

in the front seat
driving with the cap on.

Instead, I'm gonna
be in the backseat

with my feet up, watching TV,

with a bar, giving orders
to some poor schnook

in the front seat with a cap on.

Yeah, I can see it now, Laverne.

A long, fire-engine-red
limousine.

Yeah, that'll...
that'll be beautiful.

It will go with your shirt.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Aw, that's okay, I'll
have plenty of money

to buy plenty
of shirts like this.

♪♪

(cheering)

America turns to this show

to see the latest dance craze.

And today,

we have a new dance
making its world premiere!

When the history books
write the story of rock and roll,

this cat's gonna be

chapter one.

Here's Carmine doing...

"Do The Carmine," come on!

(cheering)

♪ Hey, everybody,
get on the floor ♪

♪ You know all the dances,
well, here's one more ♪

♪ Let's do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Get up off your feet ♪

♪ Grab a hold to the b*at ♪

♪ And do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Take a touch of the blues
and a whole lot of rock ♪

♪ Mix it all together, be
the first on your block ♪

♪ And do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Put your hands
together, wiggle your toes ♪

♪ Jiggle your feet ♪

♪ And kick your
leg to your nose ♪

♪ And do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Carmine ♪

♪ This dance is easy
and it's good for you ♪

♪ It cures what ails you,
so good-bye to the blues ♪

♪ Now if you think you're
hip to every dance in town ♪

♪ Well, here's a new
dance that I have found ♪

♪ Let's do the Carmine ♪

♪ Let's do the Carmine ♪

♪ Get up off your feet ♪

♪ Grab a hold to the b*at ♪

♪ And do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine! ♪

(cheering)

Thank you!

(over TV): Thank you, thank you.

BOBBY: How about it, kids?

Let's hear it for Carmine!

(tape rewinding)

Well, young Carmine.

You have just
rocked your last roll.

It's so nice of you to volunteer

to make sandwiches for
all the picketers, Laverne.

Volunteer? 148
people picked straws.

I'm making the sandwiches.

- Do you need any help?
- Oh, no.

Don't move yourself, Rhonda.

I got it down to a
science anyway.

I got tomato and
cheese, hold the lettuce.

Lettuce and tomato,
hold the cheese.

Ham and cheese, hold the ham.

It's too expensive.

Well, what about this
one sandwich over here?

Oh, that's, uh, cheese and
marshmallow fluff, my favorite.

- Cheese and marshmallow...?
- No!

- Carmine.
- Ah, hey, Laverne.

You know, you're
doing a great job.

You're-you're really
helping out the community.

Ah...

According to your fan mail,

you're really helping
out, too, Carmine.

Listen to this.

"Dear Carmine, there's a boy

"in our class who is fat,
ugly and has no teeth.

"We all love to
throw rocks at him.

"His name is Carmine, too.

"And because of that,

"he became more popular.

Now we just ignore
him completely."

How sweet.

I guess I am doing some good.

Well, of course you are.

You're doing your
thing and I'm trying

to keep garbage out
of the neighborhood.

Hello.

Hi, Laverne. You're
looking mighty gaunt.

Ooh, Rhonda, you're
looking rather cleavacious.

(Rhonda laughs)

Carmine, you look like
a million bucks, kiddo,

- a million bucks.
- Not here!

All right, all right.

Um, say, Laverne,

you're finally wising up!

You're making dinner
for the next month.

That's a good idea. You know,
me and Lenny tried the same thing.

But let me give you
a household hint.

- Please, please, Squiggy.
- Let me give you this now, Laverne.

Don't... don't say no.

You put them in little plastic
bags, because otherwise,

after a week or so,
you start noticing

that they lose their
soggy goodness.

And they start to, well,
they start to move on you...

- Oh, Squiggy, Squiggy!
- What?

- Please.
- What did I say? What did I say?

That is... that is
disgusting even from you.

Well, I'm getting better.
Thank you, thank you.

Get your box off of my tomatoes!

- I beg your pardon.
- This, this!

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
it was something else.

Hey. Squigg, what's in the box?

- What's in the box?
- What is it, a costume?

A costume. Carmine,
are you sitting down?

- No.
- Oh, good. I didn't think you were.

Well, anyway, in
this box is our future.

Careful, Carmine.

Hmm, listen to the
devil in the she-form.

Carmine, this box
has more gimmicks

than you and I will
ever even think of,

and I thought of most
of them. Now, watch this.

The Carmine Ragusa basketball.

Dribble Carmine's head.

- How do you like that, huh?
- Whoo!

- Good hands.
- (chuckles)

It's not the first time
I've heard that. (laughs)

What do you think of this?

The Carmine Ragusa
dolly, huh? Pretty nice.

- Hey, that's neat.
- Yes, it's a little doll.

But wait, you haven't
seen half of it yet.

Come over here. It's
an all-in-purpose doll.

It does two things
in one. Watch this.

- Wait a second, Squigg.
- What, what, what, what, what?

All you got to do is, you
just take your cleanser,

open up the bottom
like I've done now,

add it like this, and then
you close it up like so.

Then you take your dirty pan,
and this one is certainly dirty.

You scrub it with the Carmine
Brillo hair like I'm doing,

and next thing you know,
all your dishpan worries

are completely gone.
That's pretty good, huh?

Oh, I don't know if that's
such a good idea, Squigg.

Aw, come on, Carmine.

When I'm finished with you,

you'll be a bigger
name than Mr. Tuffy.

Carmine... I don't
mean to interfere,

but just look at who you
are getting involved with.

Look at this, huh, huh?

The Ragusa-Noosa, huh?

Sounds pretty good, huh?

Yes, yes, it hangs
a lot of things.

You'd be surprised what
you could do with this thing.

It even, it even has like this.
Look at this. This was my idea.

Putting little, you know, little
Carmine faces at the end there.

- Kind of good. It's sort of morbid.
- Need I say more?

- (phone rings)
- Get that, Rhonda, would you?

Cat litter. How is
that, huh, Carmine?

Uh, listen, Squigg, uh, Squigg,
Squigg, uh, no offense, but, uh,

you know, Laverne has
brought up a good point.

You see, uh, I worked real
hard to get where I am today,

and, uh, I really don't need


- my faces on any cheap, uh, gimmicks.
- Cheap, huh?

Well, then we'll raise the
price to $5.98, that's all.

We'll go down to the warehouse.

There's a guy I
want you to meet.

His name is Moe. You
really will like him, yeah.

- Oh, I think I know Moe.
- He's got no hair or anything.

- Oh, great news, Laverne!
- What?

There's a rumor that Bob
Dylan may come to the protest.

Bob Dylan's coming
to the protest?

(upbeat rock music playing)

(music stops, cheering)

Hey, that was superific!

Now, those of you that
saw last week's show...

And that's everybody
who's anybody... (chuckles)

you all saw the Hit Man
introduce a new dance

that's sweeping the nation.

So, once again, here's
Carmine doing his big hit,

"Do the Carmine!" Come on!

(cheering)

(music plays)

♪ Hey, everybody,
get on the floor ♪

♪ You know all the dances,
well, here's one more ♪

♪ Let's do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

♪ Get up off your feet,
grab a hold to the b*at ♪

♪ And do the Carmine ♪

♪ Do the Carmine ♪

- Stop this music!
- ♪ Take a touch of the blues ♪

- ♪ And a whole lot of rock... ♪
- Stop this music!

- What are you doing?
- This is dangerous music you're playing.

This "Carmine" could
get you into a lot of trouble.

Hey, kids, now,
that was superific.

Listen, American
Dance Party will be back

right after a word
from our sponsor, huh?

Hey, wait a minute,
Carmine, what happened?

You break your zipper?

That record threatens the
very fabric of this nation,

contributing to the moral
poison of our great society!

What are you talking about?
That's just rock and roll!

- Let me handle this. I'm your agent.
- Okay.

All right, who d*ed and
made you the Wolfman, Jack?

I am Dr. Ezekiel Knibble.

Ezekiel, huh? (laughs) I'd
like a Knibble of that name.

Where do you get it from?

It's an honor to
have you here, sir.

This is the guy that
closed down Soul Fever

and that rock and roll
show in Baton Rouge.

I am chairman of STOMP:

Society to Outlaw
Musical Propaganda.

Did you write that song?

- Yeah, I wrote that.
- You should be ashamed.

Well, listen, I admit it ain't
exactly the "Monster Mash."

Yeah, but it's got a good
b*at and you can dance to it.

We plan to take action
against your show

unless you stop
playing that record.

What's wrong with my record?

When that record
is played backwards,

wicked thoughts are expressed.

We heard words
like "revolution,"

"comrades," "Khrushchev..."

Who are they, the Harmonicats?

Look, hey, look, look, look,
this is ridiculous, he's lying!

Why don't you play
my record backwards?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maybe the Doctor's got a point.

Barney, cue that up
backwards for us, would you?

Yeah, we'll get to
the bottom of this.

- Yeah, the bottom of this.
- (song plays backwards)

There, "Kremlin..."

- "Overthrow democracy..."
- Yeah.

"Joseph Stalin."

You're crazy, pal!

Now, wait a minute, I
did hear "Betty Crocker."

"Bolshevik!"

Oh, you can't say
that on television.

Now, unless you discontinue
playing this immoral record,

we at STOMP will
be forced to organize

a boycott of this
Un-American Dance Party.

Hey, now, hold it.
You're not gonna listen

to this guy, are you?
I mean, he's nuts!

- SQUIGGY: Yeah.
- You're absolutely right, Doc.

We won't play that record.

You know, uh, we were gonna
play it backwards this morning.

We had kind of a feeling.

Wait a minute. Hold
it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

The youth of America
need our counsel.

They're vulnerable,
easily swayed!

Not the 16-year-old
I was talking to.

You mean easily
manipulated, pal.

The kids of the country
nowadays have the right

to think for themselves!

Not on my show. (chuckles)

Barney, cue up
that new Bobby Vee.

No, no, better yet,

let's make it "America the
Beautiful," huh, Doc? (laughs)

- The youth of America thank you.
- Thank you.

Now, I must return to our office

to read the phone
book backwards.

I was always suspicious
of those Yellow Pages.

Hey, look, fellas, I'm sorry,

but, hey, STOMP
could close me down

if they wanted to.
My hands are tied.

Listen, why-why don't you
stay and dance if you like?

Well, no, but could we
keep the microphone?

I think we'll go home and,
uh, overthrow the government.

Hey-hey, superific!

Superific. Hey, you
know, I was thinking,

you sound pretty good backwards.

I'm gonna call David
Seville in the morning,

see if he's got room
for a fifth chipmunk.

This morning, I was
on top of the mountain;

now I'm over the hill.

Hey, come on, Carmine,
things could be worse.

It's like the old
saying, you know,

"The bigger they are,
the harder they fall."

Eh...

Lucky for you, you
were never that big.

Let's clean up this stuff and
get it out of Laverne's way.

Yeah, go ahead, start
cleaning up. I don't mind.

No-no-no-no-no-no, don't,
don't, don't, don't touch these.

Uh, I've already,
uh, read this fan mail,

and I'd like to keep
them if you don't mind.

- How come?
- Well, frankly,

they're a little bit
steamy, you know?

Lewd, a little vulgar.

Just the right hint of perfume.

Mmm, could turn a
grown man's hair white.

I'll read them this evening
and see what I can do.

LAVERNE: Thanks
for the ride, Rhonda.

SQUIGGY: Laverne!

You look absolutely stunning!

Don't tell me. You got invited
to the Garbageman's Ball.

I've been trying to get tickets
to that function for months.

I asked everybody. I
couldn't get anything.

How did you do it?

Drop dead, Squiggy.

Well, I guess you
didn't get elected

Queen of the Ball, did you?

Hey, Carmine, uh, Rhonda
told me what happened.

I-I'm real sorry.

Ah, forget about me.

What happened to
you? Are you okay?

Ah, yeah, I'm fine.

But you know how you
see on TV news shows

where they calmly carry
people out of the sit-ins?

It doesn't always
happen that way.

I mean, the trucks came, we sat.

They dumped, we stink.

Well, all in all, you must admit

it's been a pretty
interesting day for all of us.

Laverne stinks, Carmine stinks,

and as for me, I... (sniffs)

I feel a slight case of
the vapors coming on.

So I think I'll go home,
slap on my pajamas

and shove my head
down a cold hamper.

Good day, everybody.

Boy, I wish I was so
easily pleased as him.

Boy, oh, boy, I can't believe
how bad we were at that protest.

What are you talking about?
You should be proud of yourself.

At least you made a statement.

All I did was get
thrown off of national TV.

What are you so sad
about? At least you got on TV.

At least you proved
you could do it.

Laverne, last week, for the
first and only time in my life,

I wasn't just dreaming
about being a star.

I was a star. I was there.

Last week, America
was doing the Carmine.

And this week,
I'm over the hill.

If it makes you feel
any better, Carmine,

you're great at getting
out stubborn stains.

Aw, forget about it, Laverne.

It's all over. I'm just
a flash in the pan.

What are you talking
about, Carmine, huh?

Just what are you talking about?

Wha-wha-what says you
can't make a comeback, huh?

You think so?

Think so? Look, okay,

so I didn't do so good
out there today, now, did I?

But that's not going to stop me.

I'm going to go out there again,

and I'm telling you, I am
going to close that dump.

What about you?

I'm gonna go out there and get

my own fire-engine-red
limousine.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

As long as we try, Carmine,
we can do anything we want.

- Yeah, I guess we can.
- Aw...

You know, there's only
one thing I didn't like

- about being a rock star.
- What's that?

Well, I was up
there on that stage

doing the Carmine all alone.

I didn't even have
a dance partner.

Sometimes, uh,
that's not so bad.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

That means you, uh, saved
the last Carmine for me.

(chuckles) Five, six, seven...

♪ Do the Carmine... ♪

CARMINE: Well, I
better get my records

out of Mr. DeFazio's jukebox.

So long, "Do the Carmine."

(Rhonda gasps)

- Want to join me?
- Yeah.

The Carmine is dead.
Long live the Carmine!

We keep this up, we'll
have a new dance.

- Yeah?
- The Undo the Carmine.

(laughs) Got a point.

CARMINE: Undo. ♪
Undo the Carmine. ♪

Whoo! Whoo!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- ♪ Undo the Carmine. ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing
here?! What, what?!

Hey, I got good news
for you, Mr. DeFazio.

You won't have to
listen to my dumb records

in your jukebox no more.

Uh... hey, you
know what this is?

What?

These are your dumb records.

What you broke was my Sinatra,
you broke my Mario Lanza,

Vic Damone, Perry Como,
you broke all my Italian records!

What am I supposed
to listen to now?!

♪ 'O sole mio ♪

(mimics guitar strumming)

♪ Cchiù bello, oi ne' ♪

♪ 'O sole... ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
Post Reply