04x21 - Joanie's Weird Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

(organ solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

POTSIE:
♪ Oh... me name is McNamara ♪

♪ I'm the leader of the band ♪

♪ Although we're few
in numbers ♪

♪ We're the finest in the land ♪

♪ We play at wakes
and weddings ♪

♪ And at every fancy ball ♪

♪ And when we play at funerals ♪

♪ We play the marching song,
oh ♪

♪ The drums go bang
the cymbals clang ♪

♪ The horns they blaze away ♪

♪ McCarthy plays
the big bassoon ♪

♪ And I pipe to play ♪

♪ And Hennessy Kennessy
tootled the flute ♪

♪ And the music
we play is grand ♪

♪ A credit to dear old Ireland ♪

♪ Is McNamara's Band. ♪

(applause)
All right!

Hey, Joanie, that
was really keen.

Oh, Roger, stop saying
"keen" all the time.

Come on, let's order a soda.

A soda? Hey, keen.

Hey, uh,
this booth is taken.

Yeah, right. By me.

BOYS:
Ooh...

Hey, I like
this chick.

How about taking
a little twirl

with Herbie the Turk?

Why don't you go take your hair
out and get the oil changed?

Ooh...

Hey, that's okay.

This is a feisty chick.

You'd fit in real good
with the, uh, Red Devils.

Excuse me, Red Devils.

Come on, Roger.

(Joanie clears throat)

Your jackets are keen.

Let's have some music.

All right.
(clears throat)

♪ When Irish eyes
are smiling... ♪

Hey, you! Teeth!

You call me?

Play something snappy.

Uh, we can't.

This is an earlier
request, by Fonzie.

(shillelagh clatters)

Herbie wants snappy.

(singing faster):
♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ It's like
the morning spring ♪

♪ And the lilt
of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear
the angels sing ♪

(snaps fingers)

(slower):
♪ When Irish hearts are happy ♪

(faster):
♪ All the world
is bright and gay ♪

♪ But when Irish eyes
are smiling ♪

(snaps fingers)

(slower):
♪ You can steal ♪

♪ Your heart away ♪

♪ When Irish ♪

(faster):
♪ Eyes are happy ♪

♪ And the world
is bright and gay ♪

(slower):
♪ But when Irish eyes
are smiling ♪

(faster):
♪ You can steal
your heart away. ♪

All right, all right--
that's it! That's it!

We can't play the song this way.

Now you two are going
to have to work this out.

Look, I said fast.

You don't mess
with Herbie the Turk.

You know, you're
absolutely right.

I never mess with turkeys.

Hey, you looking for a fight?

I'll tell you something,
I'd love to fight you,

but there is a law
in Milwaukee that says,

"No cruelty to animals."

Boys, boys, please wait.

Boys, please.

Come on, no fighting.

This is Saint Patrick's Day.

Parades, gaiety,
smiling faces

with all the
teeth showing.

I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.

A free hamburger
to whoever doesn't fight.

Hey, what are
we fighting about?

You heard the man.

Free grub.

(Red Devils clamoring)

Thanks, Herbie.

I thought there were
just two of you.

Al, be very grateful
you got rid of them.

They were green.

I put food dye in them
for Saint Patrick's Day.

Slow.

Right, Fonz.
Right, Fonz.

Guys?

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

You want to know
what's keen?

Those Red Devils
are keen.

♪ ...heart away. ♪

Oh, I just love
Mrs. Miniver.

It makes me cry
every time.

Who cares, Marion?

You know what's on right now?

Carmen Basilio is fighting
Gene Fulmer for the title.

Hi, Mom, Dad, we're home.

Oh, hi, Joanie.

Hi, uh, uh...

Roger.

Oh, Roger.

I never could
remember his name.

Well, I'll say
good night now.

MARION:
Good night.

Thanks very much, Joanie.

It was really...
Don't, don't say it.

Good night, Roger.

Dull, dull, dull.

You're telling me?
I wanted to watch the fight,

but your mother
kicks up such a fuss.

Grown men in their shorts
hitting one another.

I'm not talking
about television.

I am talking about life.

A boring life.

Boring crowd, boring dates.

How would you like to spend
an evening with Mr. Keen?

Oh, come on.
How about it, Marion?

Just a couple of rounds.
No, no, Howard.

Oh, look at that
lovely dress she's wearing.

Oh, that's it.
That does it.

I'm going up to my room
and jump out the window!

All right, Howard,
you can watch the fight

while the commercial is on.

See, nobody ever listens to me.

Oh, Joanie, I don't
know why you worry

about your little life.

Well... now,
where'd she go?

How should I know?

Ever since she started dating,
she doesn't talk to us anymore.

You know, Howard,

we should have
two TV sets.

Are you kidding, Marion?

Now why would a family
want two TV sets?

HOWARD:
Marion, where
is my bowling bag?

MARION:
Here, dear. Use this{\r}.

(thuds)

Now do you see why I need
the bowling bag?

See you later.

Howard!
Hold it!

HOWARD:
Hold it!

Come over here.

What is this?

Who is this?

Why, Howard, that's
our darling daughter.

Did you buy her
these clothes?

No. I'm sure they
belong to Jenny Picalow.

Well? Do you dig it?

(laughs)

No, but I might bury it.

Now, you get upstairs

and change back
into our daughter.

But I want to go down
to Arnold's.

You're not going anywhere
looking like Rita Gruber.

Who's Rita Gruber?

That's before
your time, Marion.

Well, can't we talk
about it, Dad?

We'll talk about it when I get
back from bowling.

But it'll be,
it'll be too late then.

Joanie, please.

Would you go upstairs?

Mind your father.

What has got into her?

Who's Rita Gruber?

Come on, let's go, Marion.

I'll talk to her
when we get back.

I don't want to keep
the Hendersons waiting.

Oh, hi, Richie.
How was the game?
Hi.

Oh, we won.
Mm-hmm.

Well, you don't
sound very happy.

Well, Potsie was pitching, see.

And he beaned
the first six batters,

and the other team
had to forfeit.

Well, the important
thing is that you won.

Good-bye.

Dad, will you
explain why...

Be patient
with her, Richie.

She doesn't know
too much about baseball.

She still thinks Babe Ruth
was named after a candy bar.

Candy bar...

Ahem.

(laughs)

(laughs harder)

Oh, boy...

(continues laughing)

That's cute.

I'm going to Arnold's.
See you later, Rich.

No, no wait,
Joanie, Joanie.

No, it's funny enough
without you pretending

to go out dressed like that.

I don't think it's funny.

I happen to think it's cool.

Well, do Mom and Dad know

that you're going
out like that?
Well, sure.

They were talking about it
just before you came in.

And they liked it?

They were stunned.

Well, look,
before you go out, uh...

I think you'd better
sit down here,

and we'd better
try and have

a brother
and sister talk.

I'll be the brother

and you try and
be the sister.

I've got to change
this dirty uniform.

I'll be back in
just a minute, okay?

Yeah.

(cackling)

What a nerd.

I'll give him ha-ha-ha.

(Fats Domino's
"I'm Walkin'" begins)

♪ I'm walkin' ♪

♪ Yes, indeed I'm talkin'... ♪

Come on, Herbie.
Come on, Herbie.

Hey.
(all cheering)

(wolf whistles)

Hey, good-lookin'.

Don't you recognize me?

Hey, Herbie,

it's that, uh, girl that
wouldn't dance with you.

Good eyes, Leroy.

I didn't recognize her all
dressed up nice like that.

Say, uh... (clears throat)

Maybe you'd like
to come to our

Red Devil party
tonight, huh?

Sure, I'll go.

I live for parties.

Ooh...

Hey, fellas.

Hot Stuff here wants to
come to a party tonight.

Yeah!
Yeah.

Hey, well,
look, uh, first, uh,

I think we'd better get
the rest of the boys

and stop by the tattoo parlor.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Here's a nickel.
Get yourself some dinner.

Come on, guys.

Hey, Joanie, wait.

Isn't it a little early
for Halloween?

Sit on it, Malph.

(Red Devils cheering)

Boy, has she changed.

Yeah, I think she did
something to her hair.

Hey, Rich,
it's about time.

Oh, great. Let's go
to the movies.

No, no, I've got
no time for movies.

Have you seen Joanie
around here?

Oh, yeah, Rich,
I couldn't believe it.

She was leaving with
the Red Devils

when we came in.

She went with Herbie
to their party.

Ah, I never should
have laughed at her.

Oh, forget that.
You'd just better find out

where the party is.
Yeah.

They always
have their parties

at Roadhouse Number Four.

Way to go, Rich.
Yeah. Thanks.

But you won't
find her there.

No?
Not yet, anyway.

In order for a girl to go
to one of their parties,

she has to be initiated
into the Red Devils.

"Initiated"?

Oh. Oh, what do they do?

They blindfold her and
feed her spaghetti,

and pretend that it's
worms or something, right?

Yeah, that's fun.
I like that. Yeah.

That's for kids.

Well, what?
What do they do?

I can't tell, it's a secret.

But I loved it.

Tell me, what is it?
What do they do?

You have to neck with
every member of the g*ng.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we have a little g*ng
of our own right here.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Not now, Ralph.

All right, now,
where is this, uh, initiation?

I can't tell,
I'm sworn to secrecy.

Don't give me...

This is my sister.

We're talking about my sister,
don't you understand that?

The last one
that squealed on Herbie

is now called Baldy,

and I, Becky Bronski,
like my hair.

Sorry, pal.

Sorry.

(giggles)

She... she
tweaked my tummy.

Let me tell you something, I'm
gonna go find those Red Devils,

and when I do,
they're gonna be really sorry.

No, you are, Rich--
remember, there's eight of them.

I don't care about that;
I'm gonna find my sister.

Just relax, kid,
I'm telling you,

we got the okay
to use the school.

Well, then, why did we come
through the window?

Are you sure
there's a party here?

Well, we got a special
surprise for you.

You're gonna be initiated
into the Red Devils.

RED DEVILS:
Yeah.

You get to be in the
g*ng after you...

neck with each and
every Red Devil.

(Red Devils smacking lips)

(sighs)

You see, we do
everything together.

RED DEVILS:
That's right.

No, I don't think so.

I mean, it's nothing personal,

but I don't even kiss
on the first date.

Thanks, but, uh,
I don't think I want

to be a Red Devil
after all,

so I'll just be going.

Uh, listen, I have
a lot of homework and...

HERBIE:
The girl has a sense
of humor.

Get away from my sister!

Oh, Richie, am I
glad to see you.

How did you
ever find me?

I saw their motorcycles
out front.

Get lost.

I'm going to.

And I'm taking my sister
with me.

Yeah.

You have to get
through my boys first.

RED DEVILS:
That's right.

Oh.

Well, uh, you guys do
what you have to do, but, uh,

I just want you to know
that you're dealing with...

Iron Dukes Cunningham!

JOANIE:
Yeah.

You just never know--
I can't make any guarantees--

but one of these iron fists

just might land
on one of your mouths.

Ah, throw him in a locker.

Right.

Well, if it ain't the turkey
and his feathers.

Take it easy, take it easy.

There's eight of us.

Get over here...
get over here, Shortcake.

You went pretty heavy
on the icing there, huh?

Iron Dukes, I think you
did an incredible job here.

I just thought
maybe you

might need some
extra help, you know?

Oh, well, uh, I can
always use an extra hand.

You're gonna need
a lot of extra hands.

You're a little outnumbered.

RED DEVILS:
That's right.

(laughing)

(Ralph yelping)

Hi, guys.

The door was stuck.

The door was really
stuck, Fonz.

How did you guys know
where I was?

Well, Becky told me
where you were.

Yeah, I guess you had
to b*at it out of her.

I guess I had to...
kiss it out of her.

All right, Fonz.

Well, this is your g*ng?

FONZIE:
That's right.

Three high school punks?

What are they gonna do,
throw chalk at us?

(Red Devils laughing)

Not exactly-- see, they're here
to carry you out.

See, an old friend happened
to come and visit me.

(snaps fingers)

♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches. ♪

I'll tell you something.

I love your feet,
you know that?

FONZIE:
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,

I want you
to meet Carmine Ragusa.

Of the Marjorie
Ward Dance School.

What's he gonna do,
tango us to death?

(Red Devils laughing)

Carmine Ragusa...

is also Golden Gloves
champion of Milwaukee.

Oh, that Carmine Ragusa.

That's right.

CARMINE:
Excuse me while I warm up
for a second here.

Yeah.

(takes deep breath)

You ready now?
Yeah, I think I'm
warmed up here.

How about you, huh?

Aren't you
gonna warm up?
Yeah.

I'm warm.

Let's go.
Wait, wait, stop it!

Joanie, you get
over there by the stands.

No, no, this whole thing
is my fault,

and I don't want
everybody hurt

just because I did
a dumb thing.

She's making sense.
Yeah.

All right... if you want
to be stupid, then fight.

I'm going home, but on the way,

I'm stopping at Jenny Piccalo's
and give her a punch.

Get out of my way.

All right, now,
just before we start,

Richie, Potsie, Ralph,
retire yourself.

Right, Fonz.

Anything
you say, Fonz.

Hey, wait a minute,
Potsie, Ralph, come here.

Don't you see
what's happening here?

We're almost years old,

and Fonzie still fights
all our battles for us.

Fonz?
Yeah?

Do you realize I've only
had two fights in my life?

One of them was with a
department store sales lady.

This is one fight
that we're gonna

handle ourselves,
right, guys?

Uh, yeah, right.
Okay, I guess.

All right, all
right... now, you,

you just pick out three
of your toughest guys.

Oh, come on, I'll pick
out three of my weakest.

Better.

Okay, Red, listen,
if you want

to fight this battle on
your own, you go right ahead.

That's cool as a moose,
you understand?

We'll sit this one out.

That goes
for you, Herbie,

and little Leroy
over there, you sit down.

Uh, what?

Are you expecting me
just to sit around?

That's right, how would you
like to lie around?

(nasally):
Oh, well, I'll just
sit back over here.

Sit down!

(murmuring)

Fight at will.

We're all scared, Ralph.

Just...
just do your best.

Hi-yah!
Let's go!

Hey, Richie, you're
doing great.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Watch out behind you.

I'll bet you two dollars
on the bag.
Yeah.

Just a minute!
Hold this!

Hey, you, buddy!

(yells)
Help!

Didn't we see this in
a Three Stooges movie?

(shouting)

(groaning)

RALPH:
Potsie, the rope!

Get him
with the rope!

Come on!
(yelling)

You missed him, Pots.

Go get him, Tarzan.

(groans)

(yelling)

Duck, Rich!

(groaning)

RALPH:
Dirty fighting!

All right, say uncle,
say uncle!

Say it!

(pained):
Uncle!

Well, now, that
hurt, Fonz.

Did you have enough?

All right, hold it!

I got to tell you something,
Iron Dukes.

You were superbamundo,
you understand?

That goes for you, too.

Thanks, Fonz.

Now, I think
these guys proved

that, uh, they're
pretty strong here.

Let's just pick up our wounded
and go home.

I'll tell you when
to go home, Arthur.

Don't ever call me Arthur.

(falsetto):
And I'll move
when I want to.

Hey, Carmine,
you all warmed up?

♪ They'll never go
from rags to riches. ♪

Whoa!

(groaning)

Ha!
Ha!

(Red Devils screaming)

♪ La la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la
la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la... ♪

FONZIE:
I am very proud
of you boys.

Here, Potsie.

Now, dear, try this steak.

Oh, oh, thanks, Mrs. C.,
but I'm not hungry.

No, Potsie, this
is for your eye, dear.

Oh.

Well, thanks
for fixing us up, Mrs. C.,

but I think we'd
better get on home.

Get on home?

Are you guys crazy?

You know how girls love guys
with cuts and contusions.

They like them scuffed up, huh?

Are you kidding me?

You remember Marlon Brando
at the end

of the, uh,
Waterfront?

Yeah.

All right, Kirk Douglas
in The Champion?

Right.
Yeah.

You guys in the gymnasium?

Yeah.
Right.

Yeah, come on, Kirk,
let's go to Arnold's.

RALPH:
You're on, Marlon.

Hey, I'd better get
some more bandages.

I still look
too good.

Thanks again.
Thanks a lot.

RALPH:
Let's go down
to Arnold's!

I only got one thing
to say to you, Shortcake.

You put out
an advertisement,

someone is going
to answer that ad.

HOWARD:
Thank you, Fonz.

MARION:
Thank you, Arthur.

♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la {\r}la la ♪

♪ La la la la... ♪

Well... good night.

Just a minute,
young lady.

We haven't finished
our talk yet.

Now, it's true
that you did try

and stop the fight.

Women spend their
entire life trying

to stop men from breaking
each other's noses.

Marion.

Yes, however, Joanie,
dear, you did disobey us.

Well, I know I should
have listened,

but I was so tired
of being treated like a kid.

Nobody ever explains
anything to me.

They just send me
to my room.

Joanie...

I know, go to my room.

No.

Stay here.

Come here.

Look, I-I-I guess
we were wrong

treating you
like a baby.

You're not
a kid anymore.

You're... you're
a young lady.

And the next time we
tell you something to do,

we'll... we'll try

and take the time
to tell you why.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay.

HOWARD:
Now you can go
to your room.

Good night.

Oh, you got lipstick
Oh, you've
got lipstick

all over
your face, Marion.
all... aw.

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These are suc h Happy Days! ♪

(rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right ♪

♪ It can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪