06x18 - Ralph vs. Potsie

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

Al, we've been practicing
our cheers all week.

What do you think of this?

Jefferson, Jefferson,
Jefferson High,

You can b*at this
team, don't settle for a tie.

You got them on the
run, you got them in a spin,

so grab that ball
and win, win, win!

You're all too kind.

Hi, Fonz. Uh, bye, Fonz.

The game starts in two hours.

- Oh, yeah!
- We barely have time to flirt.

Hey, uh, Al, listen, I
got a ten-minute lunch.

Yeah, I'm tuning up a
bookmobile. Very stacked.

- Lots of books?
- Lots of librarians.

What you need is my
famous hit-and-run special.

Clarence! Give
me a hit, hit, hit...

Al. Run, run, run, run.

Jefferson, Jefferson...

Here you go, Fonz. Bon appetit.

There is no
parsley on this plate.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. I forgot.

And, uh, not the canned kind.

My body needs fresh.

- Here you go, Fonz.
- Thank you.

Why do you eat that stuff?

Why does Popeye eat spinach?

- Let me try one.
- Go right ahead.

Mm. I'll stick to spinach.

Al, I got great news.

Fonz...

uh... Fonz, I have
got the greatest news.

I got a ten-minute
lunch. Talk fast.

Oh, sure. Oh, parsley. Hey.

Fonz, I got a job.

On a newspaper.

Milwaukee Shoppers News.

Hey, that's terrific. You
gonna write up front,

like on the front page
or something like that?

Well, uh, a-a
little further back.

The obituaries?

Not that, no.

It's gonna be great experience.

They're not paying you, huh?

Well, no.

But, Fonz, a lot of
people are gonna read it,

and it could lead to
bigger things for me.

It's sort of an advice column.

What kind?

"Ask Aunt Fanny."

I'm asking you.

No, that's what it is, Fonz.

It's an advice-
to-the-lovelorn column.

I knew that.

And I'm, uh...

I'm Aunt Fanny.

- No...
- Yeah.

Well, it's just for two weeks.

Aunt Fanny's in
Mexico getting a divorce.

Uncle Fanny got caught cheating?

Yeah.

This is really my big
break, Fonz. I mean...

Well, you see, if I
could impress the editor,

then I'd probably get a
column of my own, you know,

and then I'd go syndicated...
and my own TV show.

Who knows? It
happened to Ed Sullivan.

This is Richie Cunningham.

Right here on our stage tonight

we have the entire population
of Belgium with their pets.

Sit down, Mr. Broadway.

- When do you start?
- Well, I already started.

I've already done
my first column.

Matter of fact,
listen to this, Fonz.

"Dear Aunt Fanny..."
- Yeah, that's good.

There's more.

"my husband likes
to show off at parties

by eating dog biscuits..."

That saves on
the hors d'oeuvres.

Yeah, well, that's
not the problem.

"Now, I know dog biscuits aren't
good for him, but what can I do?

Signed, Concerned Wife."

- What'd you tell him?
- Mm.

"If you want a happy marriage,
let your husband have his fun.

And check him for
fleas once a month."

Here's another one.

"Dear Aunt Fanny,

"I'm an attractive girl of 18,

"but haven't had a lot
of dating experience.

"What can I do?

Signed, Puckered but Depressed."

I'll handle that one.

Well, that's, uh...

yeah, that's more or
less the advice I gave her.

Fonz, one favor.

Don't tell anybody, okay?

Humble. I love humble!

Yeah, I'm-I'm humble.

That, and, uh...

Aunt Fanny told me she'd
fire me if I said anything.

- I understand.
- Yeah.

Oh, I got to phone
in my deadline.

That's newspaper talk.

Fonz, would you mind if I
use the phone in your office?

- Knock yourself out.
- Great. Thanks a lot.

All right, all right.

All right, Malph...

Okay, Malph.

All right, if you're not
gonna make lunch,

I'm gonna eat here.
It was your turn!

I couldn't fix lunch... I was
looking for the showerhead!

Ah. You mean this thing?

- You had it!
- Yeah.

All right, hand it over, Pots.

- Not until you give me back my lava lamp.
- Forget it.

I'll just go home and
take a nice long bath.

Oh, yeah?

Without water?

No problem.

I'll just stuff the drain
with your new shirt.

You better not touch
my new shirt, Malph.

The pants are going in, too.

Oh, I'd like to see
you get my pants.

- Oh, come on, Pots...
- Who do you think you are...?

Hold it! You guys are
terrible for the digestion.

What is this, a slumber party?

No, Fonz, we're fighting again.

Always. You're always fighting.

Not always. Just
when we're together.

- We need a referee.
- Yeah.

What am I wearing, a
striped shirt and a whistle?

Aw, Fonz,

we got to talk to
somebody... We need advice.

- Expert advice. We need an expert.
- Yeah.

- You need an expert?
- Yeah.

- I know an expert.
- You do? -Who?

Why don't you... ask Aunt Fanny?

Why do I have to wear
one of Fat Phyllis's dresses?

Dear, your cousin
Phyllis is not fat.

Anyway, when I get this
cut down, you're gonna have

a new dress and I'm gonna
have a set of kitchen curtains.

But, Mom, everyone
will know this is her dress.

No, they won't, dear.

It'll look like a tent.

There's a, uh, a bookmobile
parked in the driveway.

Oh, that's nice, dear.

Did you have a
nice day at school?

Mom, college is not school.

Fat Phyllis's dress, huh?

Mom...

- Daddy's home! Yeah.
- Hi, Dad.

I hope you're satisfied, Marion.

You have made
me the laughingstock

- of the whole neighborhood.
- Heh! Not for long.

Wait until they get
a load of this dress.

Well, what's wrong, Howard?

What's wrong? I'll
tell you what's wrong.

It's the letter you
wrote to Aunt Fanny!

- You wrote a letter to Aunt Fanny?
- Yeah.

No, she wouldn't write
a letter to Aunt Fanny.

Oh, no? Well, you
just listen to this.

"Dear Aunt Fanny,

"my husband is
supposed to be on a diet,

"but he hides Tootsie
Rolls in his cash register

"and tells everyone
they're rolls of dirty nickels.

"What can I do to
keep him on his diet?

"Signed...

Wife of Chubbo."

Ooh!

Sure caught you, Mom...
There it is in black and white.

- Howard, I didn't write that letter.
- You didn't?

No, of course not.

Ah. She didn't write a
letter to Aunt Fanny. Heh.

Well, everyone at the
store thinks she did.

I mean, when I left,
they were singing,

♪ Toot-Toot-Tootsie,
good-bye... ♪

Oh! Oh, that's a good
one, that really is.

No, that's... that's not
a good one, Marion.

- Mm. No.
- You, get out of my chair.

Oh, you're wearing
Fat Phyllis's dress.

That's it! That's it, Mom.

You can make yourself
two sets of curtains.

Howard, what am I
gonna do with her?

Maybe you should write
a letter to Aunt Fanny.

Aunt Fanny is full of malarkey.

Dear, she's somebody's aunt...
She must know something.

Well, I'm gonna go and
fix Fat Phyllis's dress now.

Dad, I've read that column,

and I think she gives
very sound advice.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, just listen to this one.

"Dear Aunt Fanny, we
used to get along just great,

"but now we fight all the time.

"We try to respect
each other's rights,

"but it's very hard to know
where to draw the line.

Signed, Troubled Twosome."

Now, there is a young couple
that desperately needs help.

I think you'll find that
answer very helpful.

Helpful? It's frivolous. It
could do more harm than good.

I made the dinner. It's
your turn to clean up.

- Isn't.
- Is.

Isn't!

So we agreed that Aunt Fanny's

- gonna settle this thing for us, right?
- Right.

Okay, then let's call a truce
until we read what she says.

- All right. A truce in five seconds.
- All right.

- Five, four...
- Three, two...

Do you always have
to interrupt me, Malph?

- Is the truce on or isn't it?!
- One. Truce is on!

All right, no more yelling,
no more getting excited

- till we hear from Aunt Fanny, right?
- Right!

- All right!
- All right.

I think I'll clean up, Pots.

I mean, you made the din-din.

Thank you, Malph.

You're welcome.

I really appreciate
your thoughtfulness.

And I appreciate
your appreciation

of my thoughtfulness.

Why, thank you. I
really appreciate that.

See that, Potsie?
See how nice it is

when two people can carry on
an adult conversation like this.

It certainly is.

And may I also add

that you certainly are
a whiz in the kitchen.

Oh, thank you kindly.

What was that
vegetable you served?

Refried beets.

Yum, yum, yum.

Yeah.

And I love your
pork chops, Chef.

Oh, a very special recipe.

Pork chops stuffed with peanuts.

Great, great, just great.

- Yeah.
- I would have preferred them shelled,

but who's complaining?

Oh, I'll get it.

No, I'll get it,
Pots. You relax.

Why, thank you, Malph.

Huh.

- Chachi!
- Hey, Ralph. Hey, Pots.

- How you doing?
- How you doing...?

You guys are hitting each
other with pots now, huh?

No, no. I haven't hit
Pots with a pot all week.

Yeah, good one, that's good.

Yeah, even in a truce I got it.

That's right, Chach,
we called a truce

till we get professional help.

Hey, that's great.
Oh, by the way,

my mother sent me
down to collect the rent.

And, look, this time she
doesn't want it all in pennies.

She have something
against Lincoln?

- Here you go.
- Thanks, guys. I'll see you later.

- All right.
- Oh. Almost forgot.

I brought your mail.

- Oh, thanks, Chach.
- Oh, great.

- I have this real heavy date, you know?
- Mm-hmm.

But I took the time because...

well, you guys are worth it.

No tip, Chach.

It's probably bills.

- The Milwaukee Shoppers News.
- Oh, give it over here.

Not so fast, Pots.

This is C.O.D.

And you guys know what
C.O.D. means, don't you?

Yeah. C.O.D... Chachi Out Door.

- Right.
- Come on, guys.

- Thanks for the lift.
- Bye.

Come on. We got our
professional advice.

- Okay.
- All right.

Wait a minute, Potsie...

before we read it, remember,

whatever she says is what
we're gonna do. Agreed?

- Agreed.
- Okay.

All right. Heh.

Here we go. "Dear
Troubled Twosome..."

- Hey, our name's in the paper.
- Just read it, Pots.

"So you don't know
where to draw the line.

Easy. Draw it down
the middle of the room."

Down the middle of the room.

She's absolutely right.

Yeah. Why didn't
we think of that?

♪♪

♪ Tra-la... ♪

♪ Doo-ooh. ♪

There...

just like Aunt Fanny said.

All right, Malph,
which side you want?

- I'll take this side.
- I want this side.

- I called it first.
- Big deal.

Fine, crybaby,
we'll flip for it.

Fine, flip.

All right. Call it.

Tails.

- Heads. You lose.
- Wai... Malph,

- I didn't see the coin.
- Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

I lose.

Well, Pots, ha-ha,

hope you don't
have to go outside.

Well, Malph, ha-ha-ha-ha,

hope you don't have
to go to the bathroom.

Oh!

♪ This is the way
we brubb our teef ♪

♪ Brubb our teef, brubb our... ♪

Boy, Malph, Malph,
this arrangement's great.

I love getting the whole
bedroom to myself.

What a gorgeous day!

The birds are singin'...

the sun is shinin'...

there's not a cloud in the sky.

Back on your side!

Don't bother me...
I'm sleepwalking.

- Malph...
- All right, all right, you caught me.

But I tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'll trade you anything
on my side of the room

- for one trip to the bathroom.
- Uh-uh.

Aunt Fanny didn't say
anything about trading.

All right. Let's flip a coin
and see if we can trade.

All right. All right,
but this time I flip.

Fine, fine. Just hurry up.

All right.

Call it.

Heads.

- You lose.
- Well, wait a minute.

I didn't see the coin, Pots.

Aw, I lose again!

♪♪

Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Oh, uh, don't tell me,
now... I know, I know.

You're here to
see Fonzie, right?

Yeah, yeah, I-I-I know.

He's in his office.
I'll go get him.

I know. She's here.

Holy moly, Fonz, how'd
you know a girl was here?

My leather jacket
started to quiver.

Quivering. That reminds
me... My Jell-O's ready.

Fonzie... Oh.

Fonz... Fonzie, I
got to talk to you.

It's important.

Later. Trudy
here's a "libarian."

I got to get her
back; she's overdue.

Fonzie, please, this can't wait.

All right. Put a bookmark
where we were so I don't forget.

I won't forget.

Conversate with me.

Oh, Fonz...

What's the matter
with you, Chachi?

I haven't had a good
night's sleep in a week.

Hey, I'm very proud of you, huh?

No, Fonz, you don't understand...
You see, it's Ralph and Potsie.

- Yeah.
- They're fighting again.

Day and night, day and night.

Well, mostly night.

What a misuse of darkness.

No, Fonz, this
time it's serious.

Would you believe these
two guys are talkin' splitsville?

And just because some...
some dummy gave 'em advice?

- What dummy, huh?
- Aunt Fanny.

Uh-oh.

Mom? What's for dinner?

It's a surprise.

All right, everybody.

Now, this is the appetizer.

Well?

Interesting, Mom.

Uh... what is it?

I read in "Aunt Fanny" a
wife should serve something

completely different

to brighten up
her family's meals.

- Hey, I'm sorry I'm late, you know?
- Arthur.

I just renewed
my "liberry" card.

Oh. Conference time.

Uh, couldn't it wait a
second, Fonz? Uh...

Somebody's aunt is on thin ice.

Aunt?

Uh, conference time.

You remember a letter that you
wrote to a Troubled Twosome?

Troubled Twosome.
Uh... oh, yeah, yeah,

uh, the husband and the wife.

- No husband, no wife.
- No?

No.

Try a Ralph and a Potsie.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

No. How bad is it?

- Let's put it this way.
- Yeah?

You're a home wrecker.

Will you clue me in on what
we're having over there?

- Apple surprise.
- What is it?

You got me.

- Mother Kelp.
- That's it, Fonz.

All right, you're
having two of 'em.

I'm only having one.

You're having two of 'em.

Two.

Hey-hey, how are
you? That's great.

Apple surprise!

♪♪

You don't let up,
Pots, over and over...

Wait a minute, you
don't let up over and ov...

Wait a minute.
You can't come in.

The door's on my
side of the room.

So what? I traded you one
shower for one coming in the door.

And you used it up this morning.

What are you... Malph,
you better not close that...

I see you, Malph. Get
away from my refrigerator!

Aw, come on, Pots,
give me a break.

I haven't had
anything cold in days.

If I get to use your stove.

- Okay, one stovey.
- All right.

Hey! Hey!

Your leg's on my
side of the tape.

I get a trip to the
bathroom for that.

All right, all right. Just let
me cook my dinner, okay?

It's nice to be back home.

Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah.

Ah-ah-ah, your side of the line.

How am I supposed to
cook my dinner, Malph?

Simple. I'll turn on the oven.

I'll even go so far
as to open the door.

Oh, heat. It's warm already.

All yours, Pots.

What am I supposed
to do, throw it?

Unless you want to mail it.

Oh, look! Look!

I found a TV dinner
on my side of the room.

You give me that dinner
back, Malph, right now!

You give me that dinner back.

Ah. Ah...

My side, my phone, my slop,

my books, my pictures, my phone.

Hello. Ralph Malph's
side of the room.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Of course. It's for you, Pots.

Big deal.

Does she sound gorgeous!

Great! Great!

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Oh, Malph, what do you want?

- Three nights in the bed.
- One night.

Hi, my little
cupcake. I'm all yours.

Two nights!

Deal.

Hi, my little cupcake.

Wha...?

Wrong number.

All right, Malph, that's it.

Put 'em up. I've
had it with you.

- Come on, put 'em up. Come on.
- If you're gonna thr*aten me,

- do it from your own side of the room.
- Fine. Fine.

Come on. Come on.
You're over the line, Malph.

- Come on.
- Get your hand back.

Watch the line.
Come on. Come on.

It's for me.

- How do you know?
- It's my door.

- Hey, Rich. Come on in.
- Hi, Ralph. Hey, Potsie.

What'd you decide to do, turn
your place into a tennis court?

We divided the room.

Why'd you do a
stupid thing like that?

Aunt Fanny told us.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

That woman has a big mouth.

This is my side. That's
what's his name's side.

Hey, Rich...

like a cold drink?

W-Wait a minute, Rich.

Wouldn't you rather
have a hot chocolate?

Yeah, come on, that's...

Hey, Rich, Rich. Want
to go to the bathroom?

Uh, wait a minute,
look, I-I just...

I came here to tell
you guys something.

I can't hear you...
You're not on my side.

All right, everybody
on the line!

- Why?
- It's neutral territory.

On the line, right now.
Ralph, Pots, come on.

- All right.
- Hurry up.

- Okay, okay.
- Right on the line.

All right, I'm on the line.

Now...

we're all sensible
people here, right?

Right.

You have your differences,
but they can be settled.

- They were settled.
- By Aunt Fanny.

Well, Aunt Fanny...
See, that's what I want

to talk to you about.

- Well?
- Well, uh...

actually, it's kind of
humorous, in a way.

Ha...

Well, maybe not humorous.

Uh... guys, listen, life
is full of little ironies.

Rich, can you get on with this?
I'm teetering on the line here.

You guys are great,
and working with no net!

Have you told 'em
you're Aunt Fanny yet?

- I was just getting to that, Fonz.
- Good.

What?

You?

You're Aunt Fanny?

Look, I'm-I'm sorry,
I know I was wrong.

Wrrrr...

And I didn't mean to
give out bad advice.

Didn't mean it.

- But I was trying to impress my editor.
- Impress his editor.

Oh, man. Should've minded
your own business, Rich.

Really.

- Really.
- I know that. I know.

Think it's been easy
for me? It hasn't.

I'll tell you one
thing, from now on,

I'm gonna be much more
careful about what I put in print.

Well, it's all right, Rich.

No, it isn't all right.

There ought to be a law
against impersonating an aunt!

- The man just apologized.
- So look at the trouble he made.

- You are crazy!
- Look at this. Lines down...

Whoa!

All right, now...

Grandma Nussbaum always
told me, you got a problem...

there is nothing like going
for a warm, soft bowling ball.

You get my drift?

No, Fonz. What does that mean?

It means you got two choices.

The first... You
want to get along

and you got to
argue, argue quietly,

softly, together.

- Called communication.
- The man is right.

I mean, Aunt Fanny
couldn't say it any better.

What's the second choice?

- Don't ask.
- Well...

you know, Fonz, I-I kind
of like that first choice,

- the communication one.
- Yeah, we can live with that.

- You show good taste.
- Yeah. -Yeah.

Let's go, Rich.

- Yeah. -RALPH: Well, thanks.
- See ya.

Right. Fonz, uh, are
we going somewhere?

I am. "Libarian,"
Inspiration Point,

make our own branch.

Guys, one thing's
still bothering me.

Why'd you write to Aunt
Fanny in the first place?

Oh. Yeah, well, someone
suggested we write, Rich.

Yeah.

Well, who'd be dumb
enough to do a thing like that?

Come on, Marion.

We don't want to be late for the
Leopard Lodge Charity Bazaar.

I'll be through
in a minute, dear.

Well, I'm all ready to go.

Joanie! Come on! Hurry up!

I'm all ready. You
want any help?

Oh, thank you so much, dear.

Just get out the new tablecloth.

Oh.

Hey, I just love my
middle-class family.

You know...

Don't tell me.

Fat cousin Phyllis
outgrew another dress.

I am filled with appreciation.

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪