06x22 - Fonzie's Funeral: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

"Yello."

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Fonz.

Fonz, I can't hear,
the jukebox is too loud.

Okay.

That's terrific, Fonz.

Thanks.

Uh... Rich.

Rich!

He's not here.

Not here, Fonz.

Uh-huh, yeah, your
place, an emergency.

Will do, Fonz, yeah.

Oh, hey, Fonz, turn
it on again, will you?

Terrific.

Thanks, Fonz.

Know something, Pots?

Yeah.

Studying Sherlock
Holmes in lit class

is the best thing that
ever happened to us.

It doesn't seem
too practical, Malph.

Hey.

Sherlock Holmes!

You're just the
guy I wanted to see.

Yeah, right.

Boy, do I have a deal for you.

No, thanks, Chach, I can't
afford any more of your deals.

What is it, Chach?

Inspiration Point bad
weather insurance.

You see, if it rains, you
come here for a free evening.

No sale, Chach.

Look, guys, how many times

have you gone to
Inspiration Point, right?

Everything's going just great.

You've got the top down on the
car so you can count the stars,

you've got her in
the mood... and bam!

I don't usually
get as far as bam.

Look, I mean...

I mean, bam, it starts to rain.

How much is it?

A mere 50 cents for 30 days.

- I'll take it.
- Malph?

Uh, I'm gonna pass
on this one, Chach.

- Got it...
- Now look, Ralph,

you know I never
give up on a customer.

Unless a prettier
customer comes by.

See you later, guys.

See ya, Chach.

You're such a Potsie!

Hey, Malph... what can I lose?

It's only 50 cents.

Yeah, that's what you said
when he sold you the talking rock.

He explained to me why
I couldn't hear the rock.

Rocks talk at a
higher frequency.

Rich...

Oh, Al, I'm sorry.

Had to bring this by for Ralph.

We're studying Sherlock Holmes.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
Wait, wait, wait...

- Holmes, he was great.
- Fonzie called for you.

He wants you to go to his
garage right away... emergency.

- Emergency?
- Yeah.

All right, uh, will you
give this to Ralph?

Sure.

Or see if you can find some
meat in your hamburgers.

Just a little Sherlock humor.

I'll see you.

Wow! How big everybody looks.

Fonz?

Fonz, are you here?

I got here as
quick as I could, I...

Hmm.

Jelly donut.

Hey, Red, while you're here,

will you pass me
my last jelly donut?

Yeah, uh, sure, Fonz.

There you go.

I got an emergency.

I-I didn't know the jelly donut
was that important to you, Fonz.

No, not the donut, huh?

Look at this.

Well, you can buy a
lot of donuts with that.

Hundred dollar bills!

Hey, feast your
eyes on this, Red.

Look at all that money.
There's gotta be...

there's thousands
of dollars in here.

Yeah!

What's all this money
doing in the back of a coffin?

Red, if I knew that, I
wouldn't have had to call you.

Maybe this guy wants
to take it with him.

Yeah, well...

- Guess it takes all kinds, huh?
- Yeah, huh?

But when he gets
to the Pearly Gates,

they're gonna send him back.

That's funny money.

- Counterfeit?
- Yeah.

I dated a teller once and we
kind of exchanged... knowledge.

Oh, yeah...

You know, she was kind
of like, uh, a kiss-and-teller.

That's a good one.

That's another story.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Uh, let me do a little
deducing here, all right?

- Follow this path.
- Yeah.

Okay, uh, I don't see
your tow truck here,

so obviously you got a
hurry-up call to fix a hearse.

- Right.
- You picked up the hearse.

You returned with it.

You returned with the hearse
and you noticed that, uh,

that the ride had jiggled
open a secret panel

in the back of the coffin.

How am I doing so far?

I don't have time to
play Shylock Holmes.

- That's Sherlock.
- I knew that. I knew that.

I gotta take this back.

Wait a minute, you're
gonna take this back?

What am I gonna
do, bury the guy here?

There's somebody in there?

Be my guest.

You already looked, Fonz?

Uh, listen, don't, don't
push me there, Cunningham.

Don't push me.

Well, you're not a...
afraid, are you, Fonz?

No.

I'm not afraid.

Hey, that's good,
that's very good.

Shall we take a look?

No, no.

Rigor mortis gives
me depression.

Look, I don't think you
should return this at all, Fonz.

I got to, Red.

Fonz, these people from the
Heavenly Slumber Funeral Parlor,

they could be
mixed up in this thing.

You could be driving into
a veritable den of criminals.

I think you should
go to the police first.

Hey, look, like my Grandma
Nussbaum always said,

"you don't eat the stew until
those potatoes fall apart."

- What does that mean?
- What does it mean...

I'm gonna take the hearse
back and then call the police.

I don't want to cause
nobody suspicion.

Oh, no suspicions. Well,
that's a pretty good idea.

Oh, thanks very much.

Fonz, just do me
one favor, okay?

What's that?

Don't make a mistake.

Don't make a what?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

I just made a mistake. I...

Fonz don't make mistakes.

No. All right.

But-but Fonz, you
already made a...

I don't like the look of this.

Gumdrop!

Gumdrop, Candy Man.

And get rid of that cat, Sticky.

But you just did, Candy Man.

You stepped on him.

I do the laughing.

Now, where is the hearse?

- In the front.
- In the back.

- In the back.
- In the front.

You're fools.

- I know, I know.
- Well...

just make sure it's ready
for that Chicago delivery.

And let's get rid
of these dummies.

They're all worn out.

But that's Peter.

He's my friend.

I want new ones.

You'll have them in the
morning, Candy Man.

Eugene, let's see
if the mechanic

has brought the hearse back yet.

Yeah.

Well, come on, Marion.

We've got to get
over to the Andersons'.

Listen, Stacy.

If he gets in, have
him call me right away.

Well, well, all right, after.

You know how they hate it
when we're late for bridge.

That's because
they always b*at us.

Yeah, well, that's
because they cheat, Marion.

Have a good bridge game.

Remember, this time we're
gonna fight fire with fire.

When you see me tugging at
my ear, that means I have hearts.

I'll try to remember, dear.

Yeah, and what if I sneeze, huh?

I-I give you a tissue.

No, Marion.

If I sneeze, that
means I have clubs.

Well, what if you sneeze
and you don't have clubs?

Then you give me a tissue.

Oh, I hate to play
bridge with your father.

Okay.

I'll try one more.

Operator?

Yes, uh, do you have a number

on a Bubbles La Roux
and her All-Girl Revue?

Well, I don't know,
look under "La."

All right.

Okay, thanks.

Come in.

Look at this, Watson.

It's all here for
the trained eye.

- We're too late for dinner.
- Yeah.

Oh, I'm glad you guys are here.

Fonzie's missing.

I can't find him anywhere.

Big deal, so he's
missing a couple of hours.

Why worry?

Because of the coffin at the
Heavenly Slumber Funeral Parlor.

I don't think I want
to hear any more.

Fonzie was working on a hearse.

There was a coffin inside.

Inside that was
counterfeit money.

I told you I didn't
want to hear any more.

So Fonzie was gonna
return the hearse,

that's the last I have
seen or heard from him.

He's in big trouble.

All right, you asked for it.

Would you cut it out, Malph?

Gee, I wonder what
Sherlock Holmes would do

in a situation like this.

He'd talk to Dr. Watson
and I'm gonna go find him.

- Malph!
- Ralph...

All right, now listen...

He was gonna return
the hearse, right?

- Yeah.
- Then he was gonna go

straight to the police.

I called the police
department, negative.

That means he never got there.

I called every
place I can think of.

Nothing.

Wait!

Did you call Inspiration Point?

There's no phone
at Inspiration Point.

Exactly!

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Yeah, that really was.

Let's go check it out.

Looks like it's
gonna rain tonight.

Hey, Malph.

Sell you half my rain
insurance for a dollar.

Listen up... Has
anybody seen Fonzie?

No.

Oh... I don't know
where else to look, guys.

Well, he's not at the garage,

he's not at Inspiration Point...

Yeah, wasn't that something?

A hundred girls up there,
just waiting for Fonzie.

Pitiful sight.

Well, you did your best
to console 'em, Malph.

Yeah, I just hope that wasn't
poison ivy they threw me in.

Now do you guys believe
me that Fonzie's missing?

Yeah.

And I don't like the
looks of this, Rich.

All right. All right.

Let's just follow this path.

Who was the last
person to see Fonzie?

- You were.
- Wrong path.

- So it was you!
- Ralph!

Oh, sorry, Rich.
I'm a little edgy.

All right. All right.

Now, uh, where did
Fonzie say he was going?

- To deliver the hearse.
- Right.

So the only local conclusion is

he's at the funeral parlor.

Let's not be hasty.
If we talk some more,

I'm sure we can find
another logical conclusion.

Rich, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah, I'm thinking
Fonzie's in trouble.

I'm thinking he needs our help.

- Yeah!
- And we better check out

this Heavenly
Slumber Funeral Parlor.

- Yeah.
- Ho-ho. Ho-ho!

I'm not going to
any funeral parlor.

Everyone there is dead.

Dead?

And if Fonzie's still
there, he may be.

- Dead?
- Dead?

I returned that
hearse, you know.

I took $10,000...

$5,000 for each fist...

'cause I knew I would
need the evidence, right?

And then I took it right
down to the T-men.

And that's where
I've been ever since.

Whoa!

The T-men?

Treasury men, Marion.

Oh. 10-4, Howard.

You think you'll get
a reward for this?

I don't need a reward.

I'll get it when I get
up to Inspiration Point.

I'm five chicks behind.

Oh, what an ordeal.

This is just like a
James Cagney movie.

Okay, you dirty
rat, you dirty rat.

You dirty rat.

Oh! Five to 9:00.

I made the curfew.

Now, look, what
if these guys know

you took the money
out of the coffin, huh?

Well, who's gonna tell
'em, the stiff in the coffin?

Home early and nobody cares.

- I care.
- Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

Oh, Arthur was just telling
us such an exciting story.

I'm so glad you're home early.

We're home early too,

because your father was caught
cheating at the bridge game.

That's enough, Marion.

Go on, Fonzie.

All right.

So... the T-men said they'd
been hunting these guys

for a long time,
you know, this g*ng.

And they also said I was a
good citizen, which I knew.

Oh, my goodness.

Counterfeiters in Milwaukee!

Everybody cheats,
don't they, Howard?

I have a question.

Why is there a strange man

hanging around
outside our house?

What?! Let me see...

Hey, there is a guy
hanging around out there.

It's not one of your
boyfriends, though, Joanie.

He's wearing a suit.

What should we do?

Maintain cool.

Be cool, huh?

I'll get him.

Okay. Be cool.

Now, Joanie, you
go to your room.

I'll hold him off.

Marion, that's not being cool.

Save yourselves!

Uh, Mom, I didn't
come home early

to go to my room.

Hey, freeze it!

Hey, look what I found,
an extra-large skulker.

Well, if you let
me go, I'll explain.

Who are you, anyway?

Peterson, Treasury Department.

Oh, yeah, he's right.

You can always tell a T-man

'cause they got that
squared-off handkerchief,

you know, and the pointed
shoes, the bland face.

I want to tell you something...
I deeply apologize.

I didn't mean to mug the
government, you know?

Hey, you know, you're not bad.

Where'd you learn to
use your hands like that?

Don't ask.

You folks know where I
can find an Arthur Fonzarelli?

Yeah. Looks like he found you.

Huh, oh, so you're Fonzarelli?

Whoa...

The chief wants you to check
out a couple of mug sh*ts.

Hmm.

T-men, mug sh*ts...

Boy, am I glad I
came home early.

Yeah, these are the two guys.

They look very good in stripes.

Just as we suspected.

These two men are working
with a criminal genius.

Head of the counterfeit g*ng.

A man that is known
simply as... the Candy Man.

The Candy Man?

Is that plain or almonds?

He gets his name from his
habit of eating candy all the time.

Well, just because somebody
eats candy all the time doesn't...

Never mind, Marion.

Let me ask you a question:

Have they found this,
uh, terrifying Twinkie?

Uh, no, but we searched
the funeral parlor

while the Candy Man was out.

Unfortunately, we couldn't
find the printing press.

Without the evidence,
there's no arrest.

Then I should get right on this.

Hey, no! Now, those
men are dangerous.

No telling what they might do.

And whatever you do,
you stay away from them

and the Heavenly
Slumber Funeral Parlor.

Oh, sorry.

Okay... we've
searched everywhere,

so Fonzie's gotta
be in here, right?

Yeah, right.

Okay. Fonz?

Fonzie?

Fonzie, you in here?

- Guys...
- Huh?

Will you stop hanging on me?

I feel like a Siamese triplet.

Oh. Sorry, Rich.

- Potsie...
- Yeah.

We shouldn't be doing this.

It's bad luck.

What's bad luck?

Anything dangerous.

Will you guys knock
it off and search?

Fonzie could be unconscious
around here somewhere.

Hey, guys! Get over here!

What? What?

These look like...

Coffins!

What'd you expect to see at
a funeral parlor, roller skates?

But these are full.

Ralph, take it easy.

Be quiet.

These are just dummies.

They're probably used
for display purposes.

Oh, yeah? How do you
know they're dummies?

Maybe one of them is Dracula.

You're letting your imagination
run away with you, Ralph.

There is no such
thing as Dracula.

Right!

That's what they all said.

Then he sucked up
half of Transylvania.

Someone's coming.

Someone's coming.

My life's over.

- Hide! Hide!
- Yeah. Yeah.

Where? Where?

- Wait, I got it. I got an idea.
- What? What?

- Where are we gonna hide?
- Hide in the coffin!

Are you crazy?

I'd rather give myself up.

- What about us?
- I'll give you up too.

They could be K*llers.

Care to join me in a coffin?

Wait a minute, that's mine.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Hey, guys, how do
you get in a coffin?

It's easy getting in.

Getting out is the hard part.

Even in panic,
I've still got it, huh?

- Ready.
- All right, okay, get in, guys.

- Okay, guys, here we go.
- All right.

This could be the death of me.

Would you open the lid, dummy?

Do we keep our eyes
opened or closed?

- Get down.
- Closed.

Get down.

You've got to stop
being so big, Eugene.

Now, I thought I heard
something, Eugene.

Ah, you're always
hearing something.

Well, I guess you're right.

Eugene!

Look at these, Eugene.

The Candy Man must
have gotten these.

Yeah, they look awful.

This one's all soft.

Mmm.

Oh, Eugene...

look at the face on
this one, Eugene.

Yeah, he looks scared.

Yeah, now I know why
they call 'em dummies.

Eugene, Eugene...

I don't like these dummies.

Let's throw them in the furnace.

Yeah, the new ones make
pretty colors when they burn.

Good news.

No cavities.

No.

- Detroit called.
- Detroit called.

Yes.

They want a
shipment of $20 bills

sent over immediately.

Now, the bad news.

You're out of candy.

No!

- Chicago called.
- Chicago called.

This morning's shipment

we sent out on the
hearse was 10,000 short.

Oh!

- Licorice whip.
- Licorice whip.

- Oh... oh-ho... oh...
- Argh!

Now...

which one of you took it?

Not me, Candy Man.

Me neither, boss.

Then who did?

And you had better talk fast.

Not with that.

- You better tell him, Sticky.
- Shh-shh-shh!

Tell me what?

Well, well, there was
a mechanical difficulty

with the hearse, so
we sent for a mechanic

and he came and picked it up...

- With that coffin in it?
- Yes!

Well, we thought it'd
be okay, Candy Man.

You fools!

Well, then, it must be the
mechanic who took the money.

And I know his name, Candy Man.

- What?
- It's Fonzarelli.

We take care of that Fonzarelli.

Tonight!

Then we dispose of that cat.

They haven't got Fonzie.

But they're about to.

- I gotta warn him.
- Yeah.

I'm not gonna make it.

The blood's leaving
my head. I'm gonna faint.

Potsie, you take care of Ralph.

We better split up.
It's better that way.

I'm going to Fonzie's
apartment now.

All right, Rich. Okay.

Come on, Malph.

Malph!

Buddy!

Malphie!

Malph!

- Pots?
- Yeah.

- Stop shaking my head.
- Oh.

Sorry, Malph, but
come on, let's go.

All right, give me a minute.

My whole life is
flashing before my eyes,

and I'm just getting
to the good part.

All right, but will
you hurry up?

Hey, you know, Malph, if
they catch you in that coffin,

you're never gonna get out.

- Pots?
- Yeah, Malph?

When we get home, I'm
gonna buy some satin sheets.

This is very comfortable.

Oh, Pots, I feel
pretty good now.

Let's get out of here.

Sheesh.

Hope I don't see
you for a while.

Oh, Ralph!

Hey!

Pots?

Potsie?

Where'd you go?

Aw, come on, Pots.

Quit clowning
around! Not in here.

Oh, no... he left me alone.

My parents never left me alone.

What am I gonna do?
I don't know what to do.

Watch... all right,
you gotta relax, Ralph.

Get a grip on yourself.

Just take a deep breath.

There...

Ralphie?

Mommy!

Potsie!

- Ralph?
- Huh?

- Run!
- At least!

Intruders!

No, no, we're just a
couple of coffin thieves

and you caught us, so why
don't you call the police?

Yeah.

- I think not.
- He thinks not.

I have other plans for you.

Hey...

Don't you worry, Malph.

There's two of us.

He's so fat, what can he do?

What can he do?

Don't worry, Malph,
Richie got away.

He's probably looking
for us right now.

- Shut up.
- What do you mean?

Mom! Dad!

I'm looking for Fonzie.

He's not in his apartment.

Have you seen him?

Yes, dear, Arthur said he
was going down to the garage.

The garage? Okay.

I-I gotta go find
him. I gotta get him.

We're in big trouble.

He is getting so hyper.

Fonzie!

Fonzie!

Fonzie!

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪