06x25 - The Duel

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Happy Days". Aired: January 15, 1974 – July 19, 1984.*
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Set during the 1950's, the series revolves around teenager Richie and his family who owns a hardware store and Fonzie, who would eventually become Richie's best friend.
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06x25 - The Duel

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

♪ Frère Jacques... ♪

Mom?

It's the only
French song I know.

We've never had a-a foreign
dignitary in our house before.

And now, Mom, he's
not exactly a dignitary.

He's a man.

Who just happens to be

the fencing champion of France.

Oh, that's right!
He's a champion.

I hope we have enough Wheaties.

Now, Mom, how long
is this French pastry

gonna be staying with us?

Well, Richard said
he's touring the colleges.

So he'll only be here two days.

Oh. I better move fast.

Bonjour, bonjour,
bonjour, bonjour.

Oh.

He's not here yet, Howard.

Oh, darn. That's the
only French I know.

Uh, no. Not exactly, Dad.

You know French onion soup,
French fries, French toast...

I also know...

"Get to your room."

Oh, Howard, you
speak French so well.

Now, I just want
everything to go well.

This is the first event that
Richard has sponsored

since he joined
the fencing club.

Yeah, well, you know,
Marion, fencing is not exactly

a household word like
football in this country.

Oh, what a great idea.

The Green Bay Fencers.

Oh.

There's Richard with Jacques.

Oh, wow!

Look at him... he's gorgeous!

Hold it, you two!

I'll get the door.

Wait until I wet my lips.

Act your age, will
you, young lady?

I thought I was.

Well, we're here.

- Hi.
- Well!

Uh, Jacques Du Bois,
this is my mother...

Marion Cunningham.

Enchanté.

Oh! Oh, my!

Oh.

This is my sister Joanie.

Enchanté.

Enchanté.

And this is my father,
Howard Cunningham.

- How do you do?
- Enchanté.

As you can see, I am blessed

with a superb sense of humor.

Very keen, hmm.

Oh, Jacques, your
English is very good.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, parlez-vous français?

Ooh, I'd love to.

I just love Europe, don't you?

I went to Canada once.

What's for dinner, Mom?

Well, I know how
the French love to eat.

So I have prepared a
typical American meal.

I really do not
care for the hot dog.

Oh, no, no. We're
gonna have meat loaf.

I also do not care
for the hamburger.

Shall I, uh, uncork the wine?

Oh, no. I'll just
unscrew the cap here.

"Unscrew the cap"?

Yes, on the wine.

This is called
"Chateau Swenson."

It's made right
here in Milwaukee.

It goes with anything.

What year is that, sweetheart?

Well, it's this year, Howard.

It's fresh.

I think I shall, uh,

how you say... "skip dinner"?

I think I must go to my room.

Uh, my bags?

Sure.

Let me tell you about
my trip to Canada.

Yes, uh, must you?

Well, what are you guys having?

Is the fish fresh?

- Well...
- "Is the fish fresh?"

It's so fresh, it
made a pass at me.

Or it's so fresh, it got
expelled from its school.

Ha-ha-ha! Or it's so...

Oh, never mind, I've
got a picnic on my mind.

What's with him?

He got a date.

Kitty Fox said yes?

Charm, wit and
intelligence works.

- He begged.
- All right...

why don't you just order, Pots?

Oh, I'll have an Arnold burger.

Good choice.
What's yours, Ralph?

Nothing. Kitty and I
are going on a picnic.

Ah, picnic is nice.

You know my first date with
Rosa Colletti was a picnic?

Yeah. Yup, yup, yup.

Al, do me a favor, okay?

Take all French
food off the menu.

We don't have any French food.

Good. Keep it that way.

Hey, Rich.

Richie, old pal! I'm so happy!

- I'm not.
- What's the matter?

It's this Jacques Du Bois guy.

He's got all the
charm of a rope burn.

You should've seen
him at our house.

This is my room?

This is my dinner?

I had to keep Dad
from throwing him

- out of the house.
- Why didn't he?

Jacques was polishing
his sword at the time.

Let me tell you something
about Jacques Du Bois.

He is the most irritat...

- interesting guy.
- Richard.

Yeah. This is my...

I mean, uh...

This is my good
friend Ralph Malph.

And my friend Potsie Weber.

- How are you doing?
- Nice...

Uh, tell me.

I hope everything is ready
for my exhibition tomorrow?

Well, of course it's ready.

We do things right here at UWM.

- Right, guys?
- That's right.

You got it.

Hey, Al?

If Beatrice, Sandy,
Amanda, Nastasia,

if they come in here, you
tell them the answer is yes.

Sure, Fonz.

What was the question?

At last... an
interesting person.

Who is this?

Jacques Du Bois,
this is my good friend

Arthur Fonzarelli.

Heyyy.

Well, I have long looked forward

to meeting a typical
American hoodlum.

Tell me.

Are you off to stick up

a gas station?

Conference time.

What are you... nutso?

This guy talks funny.
He from out of town?

Yeah, Fonz. He's from France.

That's a long way to
come to get punched out.

Listen, believe me.

I know he's a pain, but
he's a guest in this country.

I think we need to be cordial.

All right?

From France, huh?

I'll do it for Brigitte Bardot.

Thanks, Fonz.

Jacques is here to, uh,
give a special demonstration.

Oh, do you fence?

I never touched
stolen goods in my life.

No, Fonz. Uh, he's
talking about fencing.

You know, with swords, Zorro.

All right, I knew
that, I knew that.

I dated a fencing teacher once.

We foiled around.

I am, uh, putting
on an exhibition

at the gymnasium tomorrow.

Perhaps you would
like to come and see

a demonstration of my skill.

I got no time, Jack.

That is Jacques.

Whatever you say, Jack.

I'm putting on a
demonstration of my own.

I'd ask you to come
along, but I don't want

to give you an
inferiority complex.

Very interesting example

of the lower class.

You're lucky Fonzie
didn't hear you say that...

Jack.

Hi, Ralphie.

Kitty said yes?

Fellow fencing enthusiasts,

it gives me great pleasure
to introduce the fencees.

First, the current
champion of France...

Jacques Du Bois.

And now, the current
conference champion,

winner of three
consecutive titles,

our very own

Georgie "Thrust
and Parry" Smith!

Go, Georgie!

And, uh, refereeing the
bout will be the president

of the UWM fencing society.

You all know him
very well... Fred Brill.

Yay, Fred!

Gentlemen, take your places.

Are you ready?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, monsieur.

En garde!

Fence.

Next.

Why is everything so quiet?

It's over.

Oh, you guys are such kidders.

"It's over." It's...

It's over.

Conference champion?

Yeah.

No wonder fencing
never caught on over here.

Yeah. You don't even
have time to buy a hot dog.

Let's get out of here.

Is that... is that your best?

My chambermaid
could've beaten him.

Well, look, everybody
can have an off day, right?

I laugh in your face.

I wouldn't do that
again if I were you.

- Ha!
- Ha!

I have not found one worthy
opponent in all of America.

All right now, watch it. You're
talking about my country.

Oh, how can you
be proud of a country

that is made up of nothing
but uncouth peasants?

You obnoxious wimp!

"Wimp"?

Obnoxious wimp.

Is that bad?

It's the worst, bucko!

I have been insulted!

I have been hurt.

We shall duel tomorrow.

2:00. Be here.

Well, wait a minute. Uh, duel?

Uh,

look, I... I got a
little carried away.

And-and I apologize.

You're not a-a wimp.

Très bien.

Apology accepted.

The duel is cancelled.

Here, Jacques.

I brought you some water.

Merci.

Um, you were very good, Jacques.

How would you like to
come with me to Arnold's

and meet some of my friends?

Certainly not, silly child.

"Silly child"?

I was only trying
to be friendly.

I do not have
time to be friendly

with giggling infants.

You had no right
talking to her like that.

That was my sister.

You were just rude to my sister!

Nobody insults my sister
and gets away with it!

But I just did.

All right.

Let me borrow this for a second.

Of course.

Ooh!

Duel... 2:00 tomorrow.

Be here!

Thanks for the glove.

It will be my pleasure

to humiliate you in a duel.

Yeah, we'll see who
gets humiliated, bucko!

You're on thin ice when you're
dueling with Richie Cunningham!

Richie Cunningham
doesn't know how to duel.

I'm ready.

Just let me at that
Jacques Du Bois!

I'll be all right.

First, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
fence him up into a corner, see?

And then...

Aw.

I-I wonder how you
say "oops" in French?

Listen, I think
you'll be just fine,

if you can manage
to hang on to this.

Yeah. You know, I just wish
it was basketball season.

Because then I, I could really
show him a thing or two, I...

Well, uh, I'll see you later.

Okay.

Might as well bring the
whole sword with me.

All right, gather
around everybody!

And get your tickets for
the duel of the century!

It's only moments away.

There you go.

There he is!

That's the man.

Don't you want
to see him grovel?

Don't you want to
see him embarrassed

in front of a large
crowd of people?

Chachi.

Rich, the money's
going to charity.

Ah.

Okay, everybody,
form the line here.

Don't push. There's
plenty of seats.

Hey, Rich.

Aw, Rich, come on, sit down.

Have a nice Arnold burger on me.

Hey, Fonz!

- Hey, Fonz.
- Fonz.

Hi, Fonz.

In my office, Cunningham.

Fonz, I'm-I'm, I'm
about to fight a duel.

In your underwear? In my office.

Thank you.

I'm not a Musketeer.

I'm a Mouseketeer.

All right, conversate with me.

Well, our fencer
was just pathetic.

I mean, Jacques' chambermaid
could've beaten him.

So I called Jacques an obnoxious
wimp when he insulted America.

And he slapped
my face with a glove,

but then I apologized.


But then he insulted Joanie.

So I slapped his
face with a glove.

And now we're having
a duel today at 2:00.

Well, I'll see you around, Fonz.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me that
this guy insulted America?

Yeah.

This guy insulted Joanie?

That's right.

Now I'm mad.

Yeah, I started off mad.

Then I worked my
way up to scared.

- I got to get going.
- Hey, before you go.

Yeah, Fonz?

Don't.

No, Fonz, I-I just have to.

Let me do it.

I got a black belt in fencing.

No, they-they don't give
a black belt for fencing.

My teacher gave me a black belt.

I got black socks to match.

Well, I... No, no, no.

My-my honor is at stake.

Rich, it ain't your honor.

It's America's honor.

No, I'm the one
who got slapped...

I want you to look out
there. What do you see?

I'll tell you what you
see. You see a mountain.

A big mountain. You
know what that is?

I got to go, Fonz. Uh...

- It's the Purple Mountain's Majesty.
- Right.

Now, on top of that big
mountain, you see it?

You see the big flagpole
raising up out of that mountain?

You know what's flapping in
the breeze off that flagpole?

Old Glory. Red, white and blue.

Stars and stripes
forever. Do you see it?

I do see it, Fonz. I see it!

Now, who's underneath
that flagpole?

- Who's standing there?
- Who?!

- Joanie.
- Joanie!

That's right!

In all of her American
womanhood and purity.

Don't it give you a
lump in your throat?

- It does, Fonz.
- Yeah.

You see what she's
got in her hands?

I can't quite see it.

It's an apple pie.

That's what it's
all about, Fonz!

Well, then give me your clothes!

I'm off to defend America,

Mom and a slice of pie.

Don't worry, Rich.

We're all behind you.

That's right, Rich.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Here's the moment
we've all been waiting for.

First, the greatest
swordsman of all France...

Jacques Du Bois.

And his opponent...

Richie Cunningham!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And hey, folks, how about
it? Right after the duel,

let's all go to Arnold's, huh?

All right, ladies and
gentlemen, are you ready?

Duelists to the center.

I'm surprised to see you here.

You show more courage
than intelligence, Cunningham.

Are you ready?

En garde!

Commence dueling!

What?!

I knew he could do it!

All right, Rich!

At last, a worthy opponent.

You, Richard Cunningham,

are a man of honor.

No, he's not.

Richie Cunningham
is no man of honor.

You are you. Who is this?!

Fonz!

The hoodlum.

Do you have to keep saying that?

Fonz, look, I'm sorry.

But-but he called Richie
Cunningham a man of honor.

And it's not honorable hiding
up there in the stands, so...

so just give me the foil.

I'm gonna take you on myself.

All right?

En garde!

It was my face that was slapped.

And the rules state that I have

the right to choose my opponent.

And I choose...

the hoodlum.

Well, rules are rules.

Messieurs...

madames?

It appears I am faced

with an, uh, experienced

and worthy swordsman.

How would you
like to see duelling

the way it really was
in the olden times?

Uh, do not be afraid, monsieur.

I will not injure you.

But I will give you a lesson

you will not soon forget.

Hyah!

Merci.

Cute.

You missed.

My jacket.

Sure, Fonz.

Yeah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

We shall duel as my forefathers.

Masks were not worn.

All right, give me
that microphone.

All right, now, listen up.

Since my opponent here is, uh...

living in another time,

and since he is
the best swordsman

in all of France,

and I am the best swordsman

everyplace else...

I'll meet his terms.

But if I catch anybody...

Dig it, anybody...

Fencing without a mask,

they are nutso and
no friend of mine.

Bring the sabers.

Now, wait a minute, gentlemen.

Now, old or new, this
is still a contest of skills.

Gentlemen, I'd like
to inspect the swords.

Oh... Fonz.

All right, good and blunt.

Ready, gentlemen?

En garde!

Commence dueling!

Ha!

I'm very proud
of my family crest!

My family goes
back to Louis XIV.

How far back does
your family go?!

Ellis Island!

Aah!

If you win, you have the honor

of wearing my family crest.

What are you proud of?

Paula Petralunga.

Sounds fascinating.

If I win...

she is mine... it's a bet?

She ain't mine to give, but
I'll put a good word in for you.

Aah!

Aah! Oh!

Why don't you use
two hands next time?

Aah! Hyah!

Ooh!

Aah!

Ah-ah, drop it!

I want you to say uncle.

"Uncle"?

Uncle... Sam.

Uncle Sam.

You are the better swordsman.

And what is more
important... a fine gentleman.

You have taught me... humility.

It's the least I could do.

I mean, you did give
us the Statue of Liberty.

- All right, Fonz!
- Yeah!

Hey, uh... Jack?

- Fonz?
- Yeah?

His name is Jacques.

Jacques.

You want to join us?

Uh, tell me about this, uh,

Paula Petralunga?

I'll think about it.

Come on, let's go.

All right.

Hey, everybody!

- Hey, Fonz.
- Hi, Fonzie.

Now, did Jacques
get off all right?

Oh, yeah, he got
off with a big smile.

Left Milwaukee with a smile,
said thank you to you guys.

I thought he'd be sad.
He said he'd miss us.

Well, he was a little sad,
you know, but he got over it.

I think it was the
ride on my bike.

Well, why did the ride on
the bike make him so happy?

Did you ever ride on my
bike with Paula Petralunga?

Yeah, sure. So?

Over bumps?

Ah!

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
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