07x08 - Peer Pressure
Posted: 02/11/22 14:53
You're wrong.
No, you're wrong.
Look, I'm not going to argue
with a little girl.
Why? Afraid
you're wrong?
And by the way,
I'm a young woman,
not a little girl.
I beg your pardon,
a young woman.
But I'm still not wrong.
Well, I think you are.
We've been around eons
longer than your team.
And yet we have
more spirit than you do.
When we play, we play to win,
but we play big-time.
You may play to win,
but we actually do win, a lot.
most of the time,
we are the champions.
All right, look, number one:
you're a little too young
for me to talk to you
about 1969 or 1986,
so I'm not going
to bore you
with the facts.
And number two:
we might have been
the lovable losers,
but now...
we are formidable foes.
Hey, stop.
Who's the better team,
the Yankees or the Mets?
The Mets.
Yankees.
That's...
what you're arguing about?
Baseball?
What'd you think
we're arguing about?
I don't know.
Yankees or Mets?
I... I have to go now.
So where were we?
I believe you
were boring me.
Oh, really?
I'll tell you something else.
Anything about the Mets
versus the Yankees is the Mets.
Even the bobbleheads.
You ever see Derek Jeter's
bobblehead versus like...
I'm sorry, Eric.
Well, if you don't want to eat,
you don't want to eat.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry that I...
I haven't taken the time to...
to get over here sooner
and see how
you were doing.
It's okay.
It, it really isn't.
I-I really should
have made
the time to come over here.
Not that it was easy.
I mean, you know, conducting
services at your church.
And not to mention, you know,
taking care of my own flock.
I... "Flock."
Now, that's a word I
picked up at church, huh?
Flock.
Flock.
Seriously, I...
I'm sorry.
I-I really am.
I mean, let-let's face it...
you're sick.
Look at you.
I-I mean, mean...
I don't mean it that way.
I mean, you're...
What I really meant was,
you were sick,
and now you're all well.
I mean, you're not all well,
but you look incredible.
I mean, you really...
you really do.
For a guy who had
a double bypass?
You know what it,
know what it looks like?
It looks like you only had
like a single bypass.
Thank you.
Can I ask you
a question?
Yeah.
Did it hurt?
Oh, a little.
Wow. Yeah...
But, you know,
you're going to...
you're going to be, uh,
okay now, right?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
That-that's great.
So I don't have to cover
for you, uh, this Sunday?
The church hired a replacement.
Really?
You know,
I really wish,
you know, if they
didn't like
what I was doing
that you could have at least,
you know, told me.
Can I tell you
something?
I really thought
I was really doing
a good job and that the people
really liked my work.
Boy, it's unbelievable
how that flock
can just turn
on their shepherd, huh?
Well, fine.
Phooey on the flock.
You know, I'll tell
you something else.
I think I'm going to stick
with my own flock from now on.
You've been replaced
as my replacement
because I've been replaced.
Only, they, uh...
they don't call it replaced.
They call it... "help."
The church has hired a, uh...
an associate pastor
to "help" me,
and he'll be speaking
on Sundays until
I return.
That's what they're telling me
anyway.
Did you know about this?
No, I did not.
I certainly didn't
notice anyone new.
Of course, you know,
everyone's new to me.
He had the audacity to sit
with my family and...
You didn't notice anyone new
in my family?
You have a very large family.
And I was
really very busy,
and I was trying very hard,
you know,
to, you know,
to come through for you.
And yet...
You know, it's hard for me
to shake the notion
that this really has everything
to do with me.
You know, if I hadn't tried
to get everybody out
ten minutes early
so they could be first in line
at that cafeteria
down the block.
That was a mistake.
You know why?
Because if I had
that ten minutes back,
you know what
I could have done?
I could have made sure
that every one of those people
were drenched in the blood
from the lamb.
You know, just...
I just...
What exactly is the blood
from a lamb?
I mean, it just sounds
so gory to me.
I just say it,
and I-I feel queasy...
It's Jesus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's wonderful.
And it's a metaphor.
It has nothing to do with you...
Not that Jesus
doesn't have...
I don't know,
something to do with you,
but my getting, uh...
"helped"
has nothing
to do with you.
You know something?
I'd like to meet this guy.
Well, maybe you should meet
this guy.
Or even better...
maybe you should
not meet this guy.
Maybe, uh...
This is good.
Maybe, uh...
we go down to the church
and just check on him.
What do you mean,
like spy on him?
Yes. Spy on him.
You and me...
Like Starsky and Hutch.
Well, let-let me
tell you something.
First of all, uh...
Hutch never had
a double bypass
and, trust me,
Starsky never had
heartburn like
I have right now.
Believe me.
I-I don't think
it's a good idea
for either one of us
to go, you know,
anywhere in the condition
we're in, by the way.
You have to drive.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Me?
I understand,
but I don't want to drive.
I mean, it's always the guy
who drives, who,
you know, gets arrested
in situations like this.
It's not a situation.
It's just a...
And even if we do, I have
connections at the police force.
Even if we do?
So, you're going
on a ride-along
with Kevin and Roxanne?
Why does that make you so happy?
It... it took me
months to talk Kevin into it,
so I know why I'm happy.
But why are you happy?
You're not going.
I don't want to go.
I have to go to the library.
I just think it's great for you
to spend time with Kevin.
It's good for you to have
a positive male figure.
Oh, you just want information
on Roxanne.
I'll pay you. I want to know
if she gets any personal calls
on duty, who she's dating,
who she was dating,
who she wants to date,
if she's ever been engaged,
where she lives,
what she likes to eat,
and if she likes board games.
Board games?
People who play board games
are family people.
People who don't play board
games aren't family people.
Family people?
You're either family people
or single people.
Family people want to live
in families.
Single people want
to live alone.
So there are only two kinds
of people?
I don't know.
I haven't thought that through.
Just find out stuff.
Whatever you can.
Maybe you're
having problems
because you're too young
to have a boyfriend.
Maybe, but I really want
a boyfriend.
It makes me feel...
grown-up.
But you're
not grown-up.
Yes, but I am growing up.
Maybe my boyfriend
knows a boy for you.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm too young.
I'm not interested in boys.
Even if it's a Muslim guy?
When I get older,
they're plenty
of social functions
at the mosque I go to.
I can meet a guy there,
a guy who I have something
in common with,
a guy whose parents
will know my parents,
a safe guy,
a good guy.
And by then,
I'll know more about who I am
and what I want in a husband.
A husband?
Well, isn't that why you date,
to find a husband?
I'm not really looking
for a husband.
I just want a boyfriend,
to have a boyfriend,
to be like everyone else.
I don't know any other
12-year-old with a boyfriend.
Are you sure
everyone has a boyfriend?
No, but I still want one.
Okay, forget boys.
Lucy's going to the library,
so maybe we can do makeovers.
Makeover?
You can wear makeup, can't you?
I'm not really allowed
to wear makeup.
Not that
that's the issue.
I don't feel
the need to wear it.
Hello? I'm 12.
I actually like my face.
Okay.
Do you have to wear the hijab?
Maybe we can do something
with your hair.
Ruthie, my beauty is my privacy.
I don't want everyone
to see my beauty.
I want to save that
for my husband.
I'm sorry.
I hope I didn't offend you.
Not at all.
We're just getting
to know each other.
Hello?
Hi, Ruthie. It's Jake.
Can I come over?
It's Jake.
He wants to come over.
It's okay.
I'll just go home.
Sorry, Jake, but I already have
Yasmine over.
It's okay.
I have to go home soon anyway.
I would really like to see you,
Ruthie.
Maybe later.
Right now I'm hanging out
with Yasmine.
And then I have to watch
David and Sam for my mom
when she leaves for PTA.
Sorry. Busy.
Bye.
Look who's here.
I'm Sam.
I'm David.
We knew that.
Has Mom left?
You need a plan.
We have a plan.
No, no. Driving down
to the church to spy on...
on this new guy--
that's not a plan.
That... that... that's more
like a... like a caper.
It's hijinks.
It's, uh...
it's an escapade.
What's an escapade?
Escalade.
I want one
of those Escalades.
Oh, those cars...
Did you ever see those beauties?
Yeah...
A black one. Ooh.
Well, I'm off to my PTA meeting.
Oh, uh...
just so you know,
so you don't think
I'm getting well
behind your back
or anything.
Richard has, uh, offered
to take me out for a drive.
Where?
To the park.
What park?
The one with the ducks.
Where-Where else?
I figured we'd go down,
we would talk,
be one with nature,
feed... we could feed
the ducks...
Great.
and if we get a little lucky,
maybe a swan or two.
Although, you ever
seen them, uh...
they peck when
they get anxious?
Ruthie and a friend
are watching the boys.
But Yasmine is
leaving soon,
so I was sort of counting
on Eric as a backup.
Well, Ruthie's watched
them on her own before,
and it'll just be
for a few minutes.
All right, I suppose it's okay.
Yeah.
You two aren't up to something.
Well, I know you're not up
to something because
Eric is recovering
from heart surgery.
Yeah.
Bye, Richard.
Bye-bye.
Now that's what you call
a veiled threat.
Yes.
Really, because I'm...
I'm not used to getting
threats like that.
My wife comes right out
and tells me exactly
what she's gonna do to me.
Hmm.
Actually, she usually, uh,
tells me what she won't
do to me is...
Uh.
...you know, what
the-the real threat is.
Oh.
It's the deal.
Yeah.
I'm just curious.
What-What do you think
Annie will do
if she actually
catches us...
...you know, spying
on this guy?
Well, her options are more
limited than your wife's.
Uh... I just had
heart surgery, so...
Silly rabbi.
I'm sorry. I...
Yeah.
Yeah, because you have to...
You can't do everything at...
Uh-uh. No.
I... Yeah.
So, in other words, you-you guys
can't? Like if you...
No.
...don't get caught, right?
Hmm. Sorry, I'm just, uh...
So what's the plan...?
The plan is I'm gonna get
this guy if it kills me.
Sounds like Bush's plan, and
that's not working very well.
You know, I-I'd suggest
that we maybe try
to come up with something
a little better.
Well...
Oh.
I have to run out
for a few hours.
PTA meeting.
Eric's up to something.
Yeah. I-I tried
to thr*aten him,
but you thr*aten him,
and, uh, keep an eye
on Ruthie and Yasmine,
who are keeping
an eye on the twins.
Can you do that?
I don't know if I can do that.
Well, are you up
to something?
Yeah.
Well, thr*aten
Eric anyway.
You know, his life
may depend upon it.
Oh, and behave yourself.
I know what his life depends on.
...in terms of
that stuff...
Reverend, uh, Rabbi,
Mrs. Camden said
that I should
thr*aten you, so here it is.
But I can't thr*aten you.
Uh, and I can't watch Ruthie
and Yasmine
watch the boys, either.
I have... something.
Yeah. Bye.
This is a very
hostile home.
Ooh!
No wonder you have
heart problems.
Man.
Just throw out a couple
of things.
Like, you have
a boyfriend,
and the two of you
love board games.
Why?
Because if Lucy thinks
you and your boyfriend
are playing board games,
then the two of you are both
family people, and that means
you'll be getting married
and leaving me alone.
But I don't have a boyfriend,
so that'd be telling a lie.
A lie that's not only fun,
but a lie that serves me.
You know what'd be more fun?
If I say I have no boyfriend,
and I want you as a boyfriend,
and the two of us play
board games every night.
No. That wouldn't be more fun.
That would be less fun.
You asked me to lie.
Forget it.
Too late.
Hey, Luce, I was just about
to come inside and see
if you have any kind of games
we can borrow.
You know, in case
we're stuck
in the car for lots of hours
with nothing to do. I don't want
Simon to get
bored, and...
And since I love board games,
and Kevin hates board games,
it'll give me someone
to play with.
Since when do you
hate board games?
I don't.
I just hate playing them
with anyone but you.
What are you going
to do this afternoon?
I have to go to the library
and do some research.
Call me when you get home.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay, Cagney and Lacey,
let's move this cruiser.
Are you calling me
Cagney or Lacey?
Sorry.
Behave yourself.
Behave myself?
You are going to pay
for that, Kinkirk.
Hey, girls.
Ruthie, I know
Yasmine is leaving,
but I need to go out.
Are you okay with the boys?
It's not the first time I've
been alone with Sam and David.
I know, and-and you've always
been very responsible.
Bye.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, where are you going?
Nowhere, really.
Uh, wh-where you going?
Nowhere, really.
There appears
to be no one home.
Reverend Camden?
I didn't see
you there.
Here... in
my office.
I just came
in here to find
a Strunk and White.
Uh, evidently, there aren't
enough years in school
to cover the difference
between "further" and "farther."
We really enjoyed
your sermon last week.
So few Protestants
get the opportunity
to learn about kosher laws.
Thanks.
We should be going, huh?
How's your sermon coming along?
I could use some help,
but I was... I was trying
to let you enjoy your time off.
I don't want
to pressure you,
but just so
you know, boy,
they always remember
the first one.
The first one is everything.
I mean,
come Sunday,
it's Judgment Day.
And that's
one tough flock
you're speaking to.
Would either of you care to...
to read my sermon?
Maybe give me
some notes?
I'd really
appreciate it.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, we'd love
to read it.
All right, I'll be right back.
I'm just using Lou's office.
Okay.
Kosher laws?
Hey, go easy on me.
They're-They're
very interesting.
You'd be very shocked,
by the way.
And, listen,
with all due respect,
you could put all I know
about, say, Mary Magdalene
on the head
of the Pope's hat pin.
And-And it's not
that I don't love her.
You know, she's fab,
you know...
What?
Look at... Look how
you're looking at me.
You're-you're blaming me
for them,
you know,
bringing in a new minister.
No, and let's not
get distracted, okay?
Remember, it's you and me
against him.
United we stand,
divided we fall.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
No, no. No, my friend.
This is you against him.
I just came along for the ride.
You drove.
Yeah, I drove.
I told you
I didn't want to drive.
But you did.
Well, you were hawking me.
It's on money
and the meaning of life.
I reworked this op-ed piece
I wrote for the New York Times.
Well, we'll just take it
with us,
and I'll give you a call later.
Great.
Uh, but only
if you feel like it.
And only if you have the time.
I don't want to get myself
into trouble with Annie
for getting you back
to work too soon.
Don't worry
about Annie.
I think, you know,
she's ready
for me to get out
and get back to work.
She is?
I mean, of-of cour...
of cour...
Yeah.
Of course she is,
yeah, yeah.
So what if the car
had been stolen?
Then the guy would never
have pulled over.
That's not true.
It's not likely
a guy in a stolen car
is going to pull over.
Well, I wish we'd find a guy
driving a stolen car.
I don't.
Yeah, I'm with you.
I'm getting bored.
I ready to see some action.
It's just that...
ever since I broke up
with my boyfriend,
whenever it's
quiet like this,
and there's nothing much
going on, I...
I can't help thinking...
I'd really like a boyfriend.
Someone I have something
in common with.
Someone with whom
I can start
a lasting relationship.
Someone to marry,
to have children with.
I wish I knew
someone like that.
Well, you don't.
So, why did you
and your boyfriend break up?
Jealousy, plain
and simple jealousy.
I thought
if I got myself partnered
with someone who's in
a committed relationship,
than that would help ease
Stanley's mind.
But Stanley told me
that when a guy's
considering marriage,
that's when he's most likely
to put himself through the test.
He thought Kevin would
test himself with me.
You know,
he became insanely jealous.
Did Stanley have any problem
with your going out with Robbie?
He never knew about that.
Don't tell me
you lied to Stanley.
I couldn't help myself.
Stanley and I were already
having problems.
Then I saw Robbie--
I hadn't
seen him since seventh grade--
and I just needed
to have a little bit of fun.
I shouldn't have
gone out with him
without telling Stanley,
but I did,
and after that,
the lies just got...
easier and easier.
No kidding.
If you're just making this stuff
up so I'll tell Lucy...
Please. Simon,
I assume that anything said
in this squad car
goes no further
than the squad car.
I hope you won't
tell Lucy anything.
You're starting to scare me.
I'm impressed.
I never met anyone
who's developed such skills
with makeup at this age.
I've watched Mary and Lucy
for years.
And has it paid off?
All that makeup, I mean?
Have you seen Kevin?
It's totally paid off.
But he doesn't love Lucy
just because
she looks good with makeup.
It helps. Believe me.
We want a snack.
We're hungry.
I'll get it.
Just hang on a second.
Should I add some sparkly stuff?
Is the sparkly stuff yours,
or is it Lucy's, too?
It's Lucy's, but it goes
with all the other stuff
I've used, so...
Can we have a snack?
Please?
I can get them a snack
if you want me to.
Yes.
Yasmine will give us a snack.
Hold on. I'm almost done.
Pretty.
You're pretty.
- Thanks.
- My mom should be here
any minute, so I'm just gonna
go wait for her out front.
I'll walk you down,
and then I'll get
the boys a snack.
Yay!
Yay!
Are those yours?
No.
What's going to happen
if your dad suddenly comes home
and you're all
made up like that?
Nothing's going
to happen.
I'll just tell my dad the truth.
I'll tell him
I'm just playing dress-up.
Is that the truth?
Yes, that's the truth.
But if it'll make you
feel better,
I'll get the boys a snack, and
then we can come back upstairs,
and I'll wash all the makeup off
before anyone sees it.
That would make me feel better.
Sometimes I think you don't
understand me and my culture
any better than I understand
you and your culture.
I understand
that there isn't a culture
that children are allowed to do
whatever they want.
I don't want you to get
in any trouble, that's all.
You worry too much.
Come on, Happy.
Ask who it is
before you answer the door.
Why am I answering
the door and not you?
'Cause you're not
wearing makeup.
Who is it?
It's Jake.
Wow.
You look like you're 18
or something.
Thanks.
I have to go.
I would suggest
that Jake go, too,
and that you go upstairs
and wash
your face,
but then
I would seem like
I'm the Muslim prude.
So let me just say good luck.
You probably
should go.
No one's home and I have
to watch the boys for my mom.
My sister dropped me off.
She should be back
in half an hour.
I just needed to tell you
something
and I wanted to tell
you in person.
Okay.
I think we should make
this relationship exclusive.
What does that mean?
That we should only see
each other.
I'm not really seeing
any other guys.
My point is, I don't want
to see other girls.
You know, like Linda,
the girl who called
you "monkey lover"
and got you in trouble
at school.
She wants me to go to a party
with her.
But I don't have
an excuse not to go
unless you and I aren't seeing
other people.
Hey, hey, don't worry.
Doesn't mean anything.
Maybe he can't speak
in public.
Yeah, may...
maybe he can't speak
in public.
Yeah.
That's it.
That-that-that
that's his
Achilles' heal.
Can't speak in public.
Maybe he freaks out
in front of, you know,
anyone other than
his own mirror.
You know, starts to
sweat uncontrollably.
And maybe even,
God forbid,
he has to, you know,
mutter obscenities.
What do you think
the chances are of that?
Well, you never know.
I mean really he could
be one of those guys
who, you know,
has it all on paper
and-and he just
can't deliver.
You know,
it happens.
Especially with these young guys
who have no experience
in public speaking.
Let's see what he's got.
...in the pastoral epistle
of first Timothy,
the author, allegedly Paul,
was trying to give guidance
to his young church community
in the ways of purity,
godliness and contentment.
Throughout this little epistle
he calls for such things
such as prayer, study,
and attentiveness to the needy.
In the last chapter,
he also speaks
of piety and contentment,
and he makes the case
that contentment is not
a matter of material gain.
He then warns that
the love of money is
the root of all evil,
by which he means
that there's nothing inherently
wrong with money.
Notice that he
doesn't say
as is often
misquoted that,
"Money is the root of all evil."
We are the problem,
not the money.
I'm reminded
of a story
told by a
rabbi Abraham
where's the man that
he was walking with...
You were saying?
On top of everything else, the
kid's got a nice head of hair.
So?
...over $6 million...
So can you drive me
to the hospital?
...replied the rabbi,
he's not a function
of his money,
but what he does
with that money...
Another speeding
ticket?
You have a problem with that?
If you're just giving those out
so I'll have something
to write about, it's okay.
Three kids
in three separate incidents
have been hit on their bikes
in this neighborhood
because it's used
as a shortcut.
A few tickets will make people
slow down and save lives.
Call it in.
License and registration.
Kevin Kinkirk?
Mindy Kinkirk?
Are-are you sure it's
not just an anxiety attack?
Look, I'm not sure.
I'm not...
it could be one of those
anxiety att*cks
that cause a heart attack.
I don't know.
Well, no, no, no,
if you're having
a heart attack, I'm driving.
No. You can't drive.
Well, I have to.
Just get in the other side.
Nothing doing.
Look, wait a minute.
Look, if I don't have
a heart attack
and I make you drive,
and then you have
a heart attack...
I'm responsible.
And I don't need
any of that.
Whoa.
I have enough problems.
Trust me, Eric.
You know what I mean?
Good-bye.
Bye.
Tourist lost.
It's nothing.
You think that a magic cone
protected you from our line
of vision?
Who was that?
None of your business.
Let's go.
What are you guys
just standing around for?
Get in the car.
I'm not going to tell you,
either of you.
I don't want that kind
of information.
And I'm not telling you
after he goes home either.
It's freezing in here.
Okay, take it easy.
I'll, uh, go find
you a blanket.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I really...
Please just stay.
I-I'd rather be cold
than alone.
I'm sure
everything is fine.
Oh, you believe
that guy?
That guy is head
of the emergency room.
He worked with the emergency
cardiac unit for years.
He's 12.
He's 37.
I asked him.
37 does not a physician make,
believe me.
Oh, look,
don't pay attention
to me, really.
No, really.
Oh, I wish you'd said that
an hour ago.
Ah!
Oh, boy.
Hi. How we, uh, doing
in here, Rabbi?
Why don't you
tell me?
Well, actually,
you know what?
Before I tell you, I need
to run a couple of tests.
The "T" word? Tests?!
No, everything with your heart
looks pretty good, but...
Pretty good, but?
Pretty good, but?!
You don't say
"pretty good, but."
He said, "pretty good,
but," Eric.
My whole life is
just flashing...
it's flashing before my eyes.
Particularly those days
when I had like the red meat,
you know,
and the butter fat...
but never you know
in-in the same
meal, of course.
Wait, what?
I'll get a
technician.
He'll lead you
down the hall
as soon as we get the room
available for you.
Thank you.
Okay?
Oh, boy, it's over.
Oh.
I-I'm sure
it's nothing.
Oh, yeah.
It's easy for you to say.
We stand up
for the last time.
I-I bet...
I bet ten minutes ago
you thought
I was just being,
you know, very neurotic,
right, huh, yeah.
Well...
Why did I let my daughter
talk me into speaking
inside of a church?
Oh!
Wait. What-what
are you saying?
What are you saying?
God is punishing you
for taking over for me
in the pulpit for a few weeks?
You spoke
on kosher laws.
It's true.
Then you know what it was?
I'll tell you what it was.
I never should have driven
you to the church.
Never. Because when I was
at your house,
and I had those pains,
it was a warning.
Thank you.
It was a warning.
But what did I do?
I had to succumb
to peer pressure.
And where did it get me?
Into a hospital room
with a heart attack!
I've had a heart attack,
and this...
is not a heart attack,
my peer.
Oh, that's-that's...
shame on you.
You know, I would think
being washed in the blood of...
of-of the lamb,
you know,
would make you a little
more understanding,
Reverend.
Well...
Just-just tuck me in and...
And just-just...
you know what?
You-you have things to do.
I'll just sit here.
What do they have tonight?
Uh, the, uh,
what, the cott...
the cottage cheese
meatloaf with the...
with the dancing
Jell-O?
I'll go check.
Something...
And what are we doing?
We got a snack.
We make it.
Where's your sister?
She's dancing.
Dancing.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
What's going on?
Uh, we were just
sealing the deal
on our exclusivity
with a dance?
Then I was
going home.
But I'll be going home now.
Reverend Camden's office.
Who is this?
This is Chandler.
Oh, and what do you do
at the church?
I'm the associate pastor.
I do whatever
anyone wants me to do.
Except for go back
to where I came from.
How nice.
Is there something I can help
you with, Reverend Camden?
I need a ride home.
But I do need you.
Uh, that's why I asked you
to take a look at my sermon.
Right, because you needed me.
You were just showing off.
If you needed me,
you would have called me.
I didn't want
to bother you.
But...
that's what
we're gonna say.
We're gonna say
you called me
and asked me to come down
to the church
and help you
with your sermon
because my wife is
gonna want to know
why I was there.
Wouldn't I come
here to you?
Let's not get logic
into this, okay?
Well, why can't
we just say
that the rabbi thought he
was having a heart attack
and that you two were
at the emergency room
and that you needed a ride home
from the emergency room?
Because the two of us
were supposed to be spending
a very calm afternoon
in the park.
Well, the rabbi could have
a heart attack anywhere,
even the park.
I'm not going
to tell Annie
that he's in the hospital
because the rabbi
doesn't want his wife
to know he's in the hospital.
Don't judge me.
I-I'm, I'm not judging you.
Until a few short weeks ago,
I was an honest man who
enjoyed an honest day's work,
and then you came along
and complicated my life.
Where have you been,
a-and, and where is Rabbi Glass?
And why are you here?
The Reverend Camden
just, uh, needed a ride.
From?
From hell.
Well, good night, Chandler,
and thank you
for helping
my husband.
Helping?
Is this your idea of helping?
Uh, kind of.
You weren't helping.
You know why? Because
I don't want your help.
And, and, and don't
think just because
I needed a ride
and you gave it to me
we've had some sort of,
uh, bonding experience.
Okay.
Well, then... good night.
Rosina called.
Is Richard on his way home?
Possibly.
He stopped off at the hospital.
For?
Tests.
It's nothing.
He had an anxiety attack.
Why doesn't Rosina know
about it?
Because he wants
to tell Rosina
after the tests are over
and everything's okay.
And when will that be?
Tomorrow.
He's telling her
that he's sleeping over
at our house.
He's telling Rosina that
he's sleeping over at our house
when actually
he's in the hospital?
I owe him.
What do you owe him for?
Just for driving me around.
Around where?
I-I thought you two were going
to the park.
Yeah, well,
we stopped off at the church.
To spy on Chandler?
To check on Chandler.
Who are you?
In a minute.
I can outrun you, you know.
No, you can't.
I'm not going
to say anything.
I know her.
She's relentless.
I know her better.
That's why I'm not going
to tell her anything.
You know,
there's a reason
why Lucy gets left out
and told about stuff last.
She's... crazy.
Good night.
What's up, Kevin?
Let me try this out on you
and see what you think.
Okay.
Ruthie, I'm sorry.
I should have stayed
or I should have insisted
Jake leave when I did.
Hey, you warned me
something bad would happen.
I'm on restriction
for two weeks,
and he can't call or come
anywhere near this house
and I can't call him or anyone
else or have any visitors.
You sound kind of happy
about it.
It's my first
official restriction.
I've had stuff
taken away before,
but I've never been restricted.
I feel like a grown-up
or at least like a teenager.
But y...
Congratulations.
Good-bye.
I'll see you at school.
I called Yasmine
and let her know
that I won't be able to call
or entertain her or anyone else
for a couple weeks.
I can see
by your attitude
that you don't quite get
that your actions
have consequences.
Sure, I do.
Restriction is definitely
a consequence of my actions.
Why don't you
say good night
to the boys?
Night, Sam.
Night, David.
What's going on?
My tummy hurts.
We ate too many snacks.
We don't
feel good.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault, isn't it?
Yes.
Yes.
No.
His...
It's his fault.
How about I stay in here
with you tonight
and if you need anything,
I'll be right by your side?
Okay.
Thank you
and good night.
Good night.
Oh, and if you need anything...
I'll be asleep.
Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
You want to tell me
why you were meeting
with Chandler today?
He let
your little secret slip.
You went
to see him?
I told him I thought it would be
best if he packed up and...
you know, left town.
Thank you.
I know he won't,
but I...
Thank you.
I-It means a lot to me
that you would do something
stupid like that on my behalf.
I can't take all the credit.
Matt and Mary asked me to do it.
They're good kids.
Yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
Something go wrong
on the ride-along?
Yes.
I was kidding.
I know.
Were you kidding?
No.
Roxanne?
You know how you've been
wanting to know
if I've ever been
with someone before?
Please don't tell
me it's Roxanne.
It's not Roxanne.
Lucy, when I graduated
from high school,
my girlfriend thought
she was pregnant,
and we got married.
In the church,
small family wedding.
Only she wasn't pregnant
and neither one of us
wanted to be married at 18,
so six months later,
we divorced.
So the good news is
I can't get married
in the Catholic Church,
so that won't be
an issue for us
when we plan our wedding.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was afraid
you wouldn't love me.
I was afraid this would be
a deal-breaker.
But I do love you,
and I've always been afraid
that you won't love me,
so I guess I know
just how you feel.
Really?
Really.
I love you, Kevin.
I love you.
Why are you telling
me this now?
I pulled someone over today,
and it was her.
She had a long layover
at LAX,
so she rented a car
and drove to the beach.
I stopped her for speeding.
She's married.
She lives in New Zealand.
They have two kids--
a boy and a girl.
So Roxanne met her first?
Roxanne didn't meet her.
Well, she had to have seen her.
She saw her, but neither
she nor Simon met her.
Simon saw her, too,
which is the only reason
why you're telling me.
I was going to tell you
eventually.
Is she pretty?
Luce, don't do this.
Is she?
I don't know...
but you can ask Simon.
I will.
I'll ask him right now.
Let's just keep this
between us for now, okay?
I told your dad.
No, you're wrong.
Look, I'm not going to argue
with a little girl.
Why? Afraid
you're wrong?
And by the way,
I'm a young woman,
not a little girl.
I beg your pardon,
a young woman.
But I'm still not wrong.
Well, I think you are.
We've been around eons
longer than your team.
And yet we have
more spirit than you do.
When we play, we play to win,
but we play big-time.
You may play to win,
but we actually do win, a lot.
most of the time,
we are the champions.
All right, look, number one:
you're a little too young
for me to talk to you
about 1969 or 1986,
so I'm not going
to bore you
with the facts.
And number two:
we might have been
the lovable losers,
but now...
we are formidable foes.
Hey, stop.
Who's the better team,
the Yankees or the Mets?
The Mets.
Yankees.
That's...
what you're arguing about?
Baseball?
What'd you think
we're arguing about?
I don't know.
Yankees or Mets?
I... I have to go now.
So where were we?
I believe you
were boring me.
Oh, really?
I'll tell you something else.
Anything about the Mets
versus the Yankees is the Mets.
Even the bobbleheads.
You ever see Derek Jeter's
bobblehead versus like...
I'm sorry, Eric.
Well, if you don't want to eat,
you don't want to eat.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry that I...
I haven't taken the time to...
to get over here sooner
and see how
you were doing.
It's okay.
It, it really isn't.
I-I really should
have made
the time to come over here.
Not that it was easy.
I mean, you know, conducting
services at your church.
And not to mention, you know,
taking care of my own flock.
I... "Flock."
Now, that's a word I
picked up at church, huh?
Flock.
Flock.
Seriously, I...
I'm sorry.
I-I really am.
I mean, let-let's face it...
you're sick.
Look at you.
I-I mean, mean...
I don't mean it that way.
I mean, you're...
What I really meant was,
you were sick,
and now you're all well.
I mean, you're not all well,
but you look incredible.
I mean, you really...
you really do.
For a guy who had
a double bypass?
You know what it,
know what it looks like?
It looks like you only had
like a single bypass.
Thank you.
Can I ask you
a question?
Yeah.
Did it hurt?
Oh, a little.
Wow. Yeah...
But, you know,
you're going to...
you're going to be, uh,
okay now, right?
Yeah.
Oh, good.
That-that's great.
So I don't have to cover
for you, uh, this Sunday?
The church hired a replacement.
Really?
You know,
I really wish,
you know, if they
didn't like
what I was doing
that you could have at least,
you know, told me.
Can I tell you
something?
I really thought
I was really doing
a good job and that the people
really liked my work.
Boy, it's unbelievable
how that flock
can just turn
on their shepherd, huh?
Well, fine.
Phooey on the flock.
You know, I'll tell
you something else.
I think I'm going to stick
with my own flock from now on.
You've been replaced
as my replacement
because I've been replaced.
Only, they, uh...
they don't call it replaced.
They call it... "help."
The church has hired a, uh...
an associate pastor
to "help" me,
and he'll be speaking
on Sundays until
I return.
That's what they're telling me
anyway.
Did you know about this?
No, I did not.
I certainly didn't
notice anyone new.
Of course, you know,
everyone's new to me.
He had the audacity to sit
with my family and...
You didn't notice anyone new
in my family?
You have a very large family.
And I was
really very busy,
and I was trying very hard,
you know,
to, you know,
to come through for you.
And yet...
You know, it's hard for me
to shake the notion
that this really has everything
to do with me.
You know, if I hadn't tried
to get everybody out
ten minutes early
so they could be first in line
at that cafeteria
down the block.
That was a mistake.
You know why?
Because if I had
that ten minutes back,
you know what
I could have done?
I could have made sure
that every one of those people
were drenched in the blood
from the lamb.
You know, just...
I just...
What exactly is the blood
from a lamb?
I mean, it just sounds
so gory to me.
I just say it,
and I-I feel queasy...
It's Jesus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's wonderful.
And it's a metaphor.
It has nothing to do with you...
Not that Jesus
doesn't have...
I don't know,
something to do with you,
but my getting, uh...
"helped"
has nothing
to do with you.
You know something?
I'd like to meet this guy.
Well, maybe you should meet
this guy.
Or even better...
maybe you should
not meet this guy.
Maybe, uh...
This is good.
Maybe, uh...
we go down to the church
and just check on him.
What do you mean,
like spy on him?
Yes. Spy on him.
You and me...
Like Starsky and Hutch.
Well, let-let me
tell you something.
First of all, uh...
Hutch never had
a double bypass
and, trust me,
Starsky never had
heartburn like
I have right now.
Believe me.
I-I don't think
it's a good idea
for either one of us
to go, you know,
anywhere in the condition
we're in, by the way.
You have to drive.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Me?
I understand,
but I don't want to drive.
I mean, it's always the guy
who drives, who,
you know, gets arrested
in situations like this.
It's not a situation.
It's just a...
And even if we do, I have
connections at the police force.
Even if we do?
So, you're going
on a ride-along
with Kevin and Roxanne?
Why does that make you so happy?
It... it took me
months to talk Kevin into it,
so I know why I'm happy.
But why are you happy?
You're not going.
I don't want to go.
I have to go to the library.
I just think it's great for you
to spend time with Kevin.
It's good for you to have
a positive male figure.
Oh, you just want information
on Roxanne.
I'll pay you. I want to know
if she gets any personal calls
on duty, who she's dating,
who she was dating,
who she wants to date,
if she's ever been engaged,
where she lives,
what she likes to eat,
and if she likes board games.
Board games?
People who play board games
are family people.
People who don't play board
games aren't family people.
Family people?
You're either family people
or single people.
Family people want to live
in families.
Single people want
to live alone.
So there are only two kinds
of people?
I don't know.
I haven't thought that through.
Just find out stuff.
Whatever you can.
Maybe you're
having problems
because you're too young
to have a boyfriend.
Maybe, but I really want
a boyfriend.
It makes me feel...
grown-up.
But you're
not grown-up.
Yes, but I am growing up.
Maybe my boyfriend
knows a boy for you.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm too young.
I'm not interested in boys.
Even if it's a Muslim guy?
When I get older,
they're plenty
of social functions
at the mosque I go to.
I can meet a guy there,
a guy who I have something
in common with,
a guy whose parents
will know my parents,
a safe guy,
a good guy.
And by then,
I'll know more about who I am
and what I want in a husband.
A husband?
Well, isn't that why you date,
to find a husband?
I'm not really looking
for a husband.
I just want a boyfriend,
to have a boyfriend,
to be like everyone else.
I don't know any other
12-year-old with a boyfriend.
Are you sure
everyone has a boyfriend?
No, but I still want one.
Okay, forget boys.
Lucy's going to the library,
so maybe we can do makeovers.
Makeover?
You can wear makeup, can't you?
I'm not really allowed
to wear makeup.
Not that
that's the issue.
I don't feel
the need to wear it.
Hello? I'm 12.
I actually like my face.
Okay.
Do you have to wear the hijab?
Maybe we can do something
with your hair.
Ruthie, my beauty is my privacy.
I don't want everyone
to see my beauty.
I want to save that
for my husband.
I'm sorry.
I hope I didn't offend you.
Not at all.
We're just getting
to know each other.
Hello?
Hi, Ruthie. It's Jake.
Can I come over?
It's Jake.
He wants to come over.
It's okay.
I'll just go home.
Sorry, Jake, but I already have
Yasmine over.
It's okay.
I have to go home soon anyway.
I would really like to see you,
Ruthie.
Maybe later.
Right now I'm hanging out
with Yasmine.
And then I have to watch
David and Sam for my mom
when she leaves for PTA.
Sorry. Busy.
Bye.
Look who's here.
I'm Sam.
I'm David.
We knew that.
Has Mom left?
You need a plan.
We have a plan.
No, no. Driving down
to the church to spy on...
on this new guy--
that's not a plan.
That... that... that's more
like a... like a caper.
It's hijinks.
It's, uh...
it's an escapade.
What's an escapade?
Escalade.
I want one
of those Escalades.
Oh, those cars...
Did you ever see those beauties?
Yeah...
A black one. Ooh.
Well, I'm off to my PTA meeting.
Oh, uh...
just so you know,
so you don't think
I'm getting well
behind your back
or anything.
Richard has, uh, offered
to take me out for a drive.
Where?
To the park.
What park?
The one with the ducks.
Where-Where else?
I figured we'd go down,
we would talk,
be one with nature,
feed... we could feed
the ducks...
Great.
and if we get a little lucky,
maybe a swan or two.
Although, you ever
seen them, uh...
they peck when
they get anxious?
Ruthie and a friend
are watching the boys.
But Yasmine is
leaving soon,
so I was sort of counting
on Eric as a backup.
Well, Ruthie's watched
them on her own before,
and it'll just be
for a few minutes.
All right, I suppose it's okay.
Yeah.
You two aren't up to something.
Well, I know you're not up
to something because
Eric is recovering
from heart surgery.
Yeah.
Bye, Richard.
Bye-bye.
Now that's what you call
a veiled threat.
Yes.
Really, because I'm...
I'm not used to getting
threats like that.
My wife comes right out
and tells me exactly
what she's gonna do to me.
Hmm.
Actually, she usually, uh,
tells me what she won't
do to me is...
Uh.
...you know, what
the-the real threat is.
Oh.
It's the deal.
Yeah.
I'm just curious.
What-What do you think
Annie will do
if she actually
catches us...
...you know, spying
on this guy?
Well, her options are more
limited than your wife's.
Uh... I just had
heart surgery, so...
Silly rabbi.
I'm sorry. I...
Yeah.
Yeah, because you have to...
You can't do everything at...
Uh-uh. No.
I... Yeah.
So, in other words, you-you guys
can't? Like if you...
No.
...don't get caught, right?
Hmm. Sorry, I'm just, uh...
So what's the plan...?
The plan is I'm gonna get
this guy if it kills me.
Sounds like Bush's plan, and
that's not working very well.
You know, I-I'd suggest
that we maybe try
to come up with something
a little better.
Well...
Oh.
I have to run out
for a few hours.
PTA meeting.
Eric's up to something.
Yeah. I-I tried
to thr*aten him,
but you thr*aten him,
and, uh, keep an eye
on Ruthie and Yasmine,
who are keeping
an eye on the twins.
Can you do that?
I don't know if I can do that.
Well, are you up
to something?
Yeah.
Well, thr*aten
Eric anyway.
You know, his life
may depend upon it.
Oh, and behave yourself.
I know what his life depends on.
...in terms of
that stuff...
Reverend, uh, Rabbi,
Mrs. Camden said
that I should
thr*aten you, so here it is.
But I can't thr*aten you.
Uh, and I can't watch Ruthie
and Yasmine
watch the boys, either.
I have... something.
Yeah. Bye.
This is a very
hostile home.
Ooh!
No wonder you have
heart problems.
Man.
Just throw out a couple
of things.
Like, you have
a boyfriend,
and the two of you
love board games.
Why?
Because if Lucy thinks
you and your boyfriend
are playing board games,
then the two of you are both
family people, and that means
you'll be getting married
and leaving me alone.
But I don't have a boyfriend,
so that'd be telling a lie.
A lie that's not only fun,
but a lie that serves me.
You know what'd be more fun?
If I say I have no boyfriend,
and I want you as a boyfriend,
and the two of us play
board games every night.
No. That wouldn't be more fun.
That would be less fun.
You asked me to lie.
Forget it.
Too late.
Hey, Luce, I was just about
to come inside and see
if you have any kind of games
we can borrow.
You know, in case
we're stuck
in the car for lots of hours
with nothing to do. I don't want
Simon to get
bored, and...
And since I love board games,
and Kevin hates board games,
it'll give me someone
to play with.
Since when do you
hate board games?
I don't.
I just hate playing them
with anyone but you.
What are you going
to do this afternoon?
I have to go to the library
and do some research.
Call me when you get home.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay, Cagney and Lacey,
let's move this cruiser.
Are you calling me
Cagney or Lacey?
Sorry.
Behave yourself.
Behave myself?
You are going to pay
for that, Kinkirk.
Hey, girls.
Ruthie, I know
Yasmine is leaving,
but I need to go out.
Are you okay with the boys?
It's not the first time I've
been alone with Sam and David.
I know, and-and you've always
been very responsible.
Bye.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, where are you going?
Nowhere, really.
Uh, wh-where you going?
Nowhere, really.
There appears
to be no one home.
Reverend Camden?
I didn't see
you there.
Here... in
my office.
I just came
in here to find
a Strunk and White.
Uh, evidently, there aren't
enough years in school
to cover the difference
between "further" and "farther."
We really enjoyed
your sermon last week.
So few Protestants
get the opportunity
to learn about kosher laws.
Thanks.
We should be going, huh?
How's your sermon coming along?
I could use some help,
but I was... I was trying
to let you enjoy your time off.
I don't want
to pressure you,
but just so
you know, boy,
they always remember
the first one.
The first one is everything.
I mean,
come Sunday,
it's Judgment Day.
And that's
one tough flock
you're speaking to.
Would either of you care to...
to read my sermon?
Maybe give me
some notes?
I'd really
appreciate it.
Oh, sure.
Yeah, we'd love
to read it.
All right, I'll be right back.
I'm just using Lou's office.
Okay.
Kosher laws?
Hey, go easy on me.
They're-They're
very interesting.
You'd be very shocked,
by the way.
And, listen,
with all due respect,
you could put all I know
about, say, Mary Magdalene
on the head
of the Pope's hat pin.
And-And it's not
that I don't love her.
You know, she's fab,
you know...
What?
Look at... Look how
you're looking at me.
You're-you're blaming me
for them,
you know,
bringing in a new minister.
No, and let's not
get distracted, okay?
Remember, it's you and me
against him.
United we stand,
divided we fall.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
No, no. No, my friend.
This is you against him.
I just came along for the ride.
You drove.
Yeah, I drove.
I told you
I didn't want to drive.
But you did.
Well, you were hawking me.
It's on money
and the meaning of life.
I reworked this op-ed piece
I wrote for the New York Times.
Well, we'll just take it
with us,
and I'll give you a call later.
Great.
Uh, but only
if you feel like it.
And only if you have the time.
I don't want to get myself
into trouble with Annie
for getting you back
to work too soon.
Don't worry
about Annie.
I think, you know,
she's ready
for me to get out
and get back to work.
She is?
I mean, of-of cour...
of cour...
Yeah.
Of course she is,
yeah, yeah.
So what if the car
had been stolen?
Then the guy would never
have pulled over.
That's not true.
It's not likely
a guy in a stolen car
is going to pull over.
Well, I wish we'd find a guy
driving a stolen car.
I don't.
Yeah, I'm with you.
I'm getting bored.
I ready to see some action.
It's just that...
ever since I broke up
with my boyfriend,
whenever it's
quiet like this,
and there's nothing much
going on, I...
I can't help thinking...
I'd really like a boyfriend.
Someone I have something
in common with.
Someone with whom
I can start
a lasting relationship.
Someone to marry,
to have children with.
I wish I knew
someone like that.
Well, you don't.
So, why did you
and your boyfriend break up?
Jealousy, plain
and simple jealousy.
I thought
if I got myself partnered
with someone who's in
a committed relationship,
than that would help ease
Stanley's mind.
But Stanley told me
that when a guy's
considering marriage,
that's when he's most likely
to put himself through the test.
He thought Kevin would
test himself with me.
You know,
he became insanely jealous.
Did Stanley have any problem
with your going out with Robbie?
He never knew about that.
Don't tell me
you lied to Stanley.
I couldn't help myself.
Stanley and I were already
having problems.
Then I saw Robbie--
I hadn't
seen him since seventh grade--
and I just needed
to have a little bit of fun.
I shouldn't have
gone out with him
without telling Stanley,
but I did,
and after that,
the lies just got...
easier and easier.
No kidding.
If you're just making this stuff
up so I'll tell Lucy...
Please. Simon,
I assume that anything said
in this squad car
goes no further
than the squad car.
I hope you won't
tell Lucy anything.
You're starting to scare me.
I'm impressed.
I never met anyone
who's developed such skills
with makeup at this age.
I've watched Mary and Lucy
for years.
And has it paid off?
All that makeup, I mean?
Have you seen Kevin?
It's totally paid off.
But he doesn't love Lucy
just because
she looks good with makeup.
It helps. Believe me.
We want a snack.
We're hungry.
I'll get it.
Just hang on a second.
Should I add some sparkly stuff?
Is the sparkly stuff yours,
or is it Lucy's, too?
It's Lucy's, but it goes
with all the other stuff
I've used, so...
Can we have a snack?
Please?
I can get them a snack
if you want me to.
Yes.
Yasmine will give us a snack.
Hold on. I'm almost done.
Pretty.
You're pretty.
- Thanks.
- My mom should be here
any minute, so I'm just gonna
go wait for her out front.
I'll walk you down,
and then I'll get
the boys a snack.
Yay!
Yay!
Are those yours?
No.
What's going to happen
if your dad suddenly comes home
and you're all
made up like that?
Nothing's going
to happen.
I'll just tell my dad the truth.
I'll tell him
I'm just playing dress-up.
Is that the truth?
Yes, that's the truth.
But if it'll make you
feel better,
I'll get the boys a snack, and
then we can come back upstairs,
and I'll wash all the makeup off
before anyone sees it.
That would make me feel better.
Sometimes I think you don't
understand me and my culture
any better than I understand
you and your culture.
I understand
that there isn't a culture
that children are allowed to do
whatever they want.
I don't want you to get
in any trouble, that's all.
You worry too much.
Come on, Happy.
Ask who it is
before you answer the door.
Why am I answering
the door and not you?
'Cause you're not
wearing makeup.
Who is it?
It's Jake.
Wow.
You look like you're 18
or something.
Thanks.
I have to go.
I would suggest
that Jake go, too,
and that you go upstairs
and wash
your face,
but then
I would seem like
I'm the Muslim prude.
So let me just say good luck.
You probably
should go.
No one's home and I have
to watch the boys for my mom.
My sister dropped me off.
She should be back
in half an hour.
I just needed to tell you
something
and I wanted to tell
you in person.
Okay.
I think we should make
this relationship exclusive.
What does that mean?
That we should only see
each other.
I'm not really seeing
any other guys.
My point is, I don't want
to see other girls.
You know, like Linda,
the girl who called
you "monkey lover"
and got you in trouble
at school.
She wants me to go to a party
with her.
But I don't have
an excuse not to go
unless you and I aren't seeing
other people.
Hey, hey, don't worry.
Doesn't mean anything.
Maybe he can't speak
in public.
Yeah, may...
maybe he can't speak
in public.
Yeah.
That's it.
That-that-that
that's his
Achilles' heal.
Can't speak in public.
Maybe he freaks out
in front of, you know,
anyone other than
his own mirror.
You know, starts to
sweat uncontrollably.
And maybe even,
God forbid,
he has to, you know,
mutter obscenities.
What do you think
the chances are of that?
Well, you never know.
I mean really he could
be one of those guys
who, you know,
has it all on paper
and-and he just
can't deliver.
You know,
it happens.
Especially with these young guys
who have no experience
in public speaking.
Let's see what he's got.
...in the pastoral epistle
of first Timothy,
the author, allegedly Paul,
was trying to give guidance
to his young church community
in the ways of purity,
godliness and contentment.
Throughout this little epistle
he calls for such things
such as prayer, study,
and attentiveness to the needy.
In the last chapter,
he also speaks
of piety and contentment,
and he makes the case
that contentment is not
a matter of material gain.
He then warns that
the love of money is
the root of all evil,
by which he means
that there's nothing inherently
wrong with money.
Notice that he
doesn't say
as is often
misquoted that,
"Money is the root of all evil."
We are the problem,
not the money.
I'm reminded
of a story
told by a
rabbi Abraham
where's the man that
he was walking with...
You were saying?
On top of everything else, the
kid's got a nice head of hair.
So?
...over $6 million...
So can you drive me
to the hospital?
...replied the rabbi,
he's not a function
of his money,
but what he does
with that money...
Another speeding
ticket?
You have a problem with that?
If you're just giving those out
so I'll have something
to write about, it's okay.
Three kids
in three separate incidents
have been hit on their bikes
in this neighborhood
because it's used
as a shortcut.
A few tickets will make people
slow down and save lives.
Call it in.
License and registration.
Kevin Kinkirk?
Mindy Kinkirk?
Are-are you sure it's
not just an anxiety attack?
Look, I'm not sure.
I'm not...
it could be one of those
anxiety att*cks
that cause a heart attack.
I don't know.
Well, no, no, no,
if you're having
a heart attack, I'm driving.
No. You can't drive.
Well, I have to.
Just get in the other side.
Nothing doing.
Look, wait a minute.
Look, if I don't have
a heart attack
and I make you drive,
and then you have
a heart attack...
I'm responsible.
And I don't need
any of that.
Whoa.
I have enough problems.
Trust me, Eric.
You know what I mean?
Good-bye.
Bye.
Tourist lost.
It's nothing.
You think that a magic cone
protected you from our line
of vision?
Who was that?
None of your business.
Let's go.
What are you guys
just standing around for?
Get in the car.
I'm not going to tell you,
either of you.
I don't want that kind
of information.
And I'm not telling you
after he goes home either.
It's freezing in here.
Okay, take it easy.
I'll, uh, go find
you a blanket.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I really...
Please just stay.
I-I'd rather be cold
than alone.
I'm sure
everything is fine.
Oh, you believe
that guy?
That guy is head
of the emergency room.
He worked with the emergency
cardiac unit for years.
He's 12.
He's 37.
I asked him.
37 does not a physician make,
believe me.
Oh, look,
don't pay attention
to me, really.
No, really.
Oh, I wish you'd said that
an hour ago.
Ah!
Oh, boy.
Hi. How we, uh, doing
in here, Rabbi?
Why don't you
tell me?
Well, actually,
you know what?
Before I tell you, I need
to run a couple of tests.
The "T" word? Tests?!
No, everything with your heart
looks pretty good, but...
Pretty good, but?
Pretty good, but?!
You don't say
"pretty good, but."
He said, "pretty good,
but," Eric.
My whole life is
just flashing...
it's flashing before my eyes.
Particularly those days
when I had like the red meat,
you know,
and the butter fat...
but never you know
in-in the same
meal, of course.
Wait, what?
I'll get a
technician.
He'll lead you
down the hall
as soon as we get the room
available for you.
Thank you.
Okay?
Oh, boy, it's over.
Oh.
I-I'm sure
it's nothing.
Oh, yeah.
It's easy for you to say.
We stand up
for the last time.
I-I bet...
I bet ten minutes ago
you thought
I was just being,
you know, very neurotic,
right, huh, yeah.
Well...
Why did I let my daughter
talk me into speaking
inside of a church?
Oh!
Wait. What-what
are you saying?
What are you saying?
God is punishing you
for taking over for me
in the pulpit for a few weeks?
You spoke
on kosher laws.
It's true.
Then you know what it was?
I'll tell you what it was.
I never should have driven
you to the church.
Never. Because when I was
at your house,
and I had those pains,
it was a warning.
Thank you.
It was a warning.
But what did I do?
I had to succumb
to peer pressure.
And where did it get me?
Into a hospital room
with a heart attack!
I've had a heart attack,
and this...
is not a heart attack,
my peer.
Oh, that's-that's...
shame on you.
You know, I would think
being washed in the blood of...
of-of the lamb,
you know,
would make you a little
more understanding,
Reverend.
Well...
Just-just tuck me in and...
And just-just...
you know what?
You-you have things to do.
I'll just sit here.
What do they have tonight?
Uh, the, uh,
what, the cott...
the cottage cheese
meatloaf with the...
with the dancing
Jell-O?
I'll go check.
Something...
And what are we doing?
We got a snack.
We make it.
Where's your sister?
She's dancing.
Dancing.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
What's going on?
Uh, we were just
sealing the deal
on our exclusivity
with a dance?
Then I was
going home.
But I'll be going home now.
Reverend Camden's office.
Who is this?
This is Chandler.
Oh, and what do you do
at the church?
I'm the associate pastor.
I do whatever
anyone wants me to do.
Except for go back
to where I came from.
How nice.
Is there something I can help
you with, Reverend Camden?
I need a ride home.
But I do need you.
Uh, that's why I asked you
to take a look at my sermon.
Right, because you needed me.
You were just showing off.
If you needed me,
you would have called me.
I didn't want
to bother you.
But...
that's what
we're gonna say.
We're gonna say
you called me
and asked me to come down
to the church
and help you
with your sermon
because my wife is
gonna want to know
why I was there.
Wouldn't I come
here to you?
Let's not get logic
into this, okay?
Well, why can't
we just say
that the rabbi thought he
was having a heart attack
and that you two were
at the emergency room
and that you needed a ride home
from the emergency room?
Because the two of us
were supposed to be spending
a very calm afternoon
in the park.
Well, the rabbi could have
a heart attack anywhere,
even the park.
I'm not going
to tell Annie
that he's in the hospital
because the rabbi
doesn't want his wife
to know he's in the hospital.
Don't judge me.
I-I'm, I'm not judging you.
Until a few short weeks ago,
I was an honest man who
enjoyed an honest day's work,
and then you came along
and complicated my life.
Where have you been,
a-and, and where is Rabbi Glass?
And why are you here?
The Reverend Camden
just, uh, needed a ride.
From?
From hell.
Well, good night, Chandler,
and thank you
for helping
my husband.
Helping?
Is this your idea of helping?
Uh, kind of.
You weren't helping.
You know why? Because
I don't want your help.
And, and, and don't
think just because
I needed a ride
and you gave it to me
we've had some sort of,
uh, bonding experience.
Okay.
Well, then... good night.
Rosina called.
Is Richard on his way home?
Possibly.
He stopped off at the hospital.
For?
Tests.
It's nothing.
He had an anxiety attack.
Why doesn't Rosina know
about it?
Because he wants
to tell Rosina
after the tests are over
and everything's okay.
And when will that be?
Tomorrow.
He's telling her
that he's sleeping over
at our house.
He's telling Rosina that
he's sleeping over at our house
when actually
he's in the hospital?
I owe him.
What do you owe him for?
Just for driving me around.
Around where?
I-I thought you two were going
to the park.
Yeah, well,
we stopped off at the church.
To spy on Chandler?
To check on Chandler.
Who are you?
In a minute.
I can outrun you, you know.
No, you can't.
I'm not going
to say anything.
I know her.
She's relentless.
I know her better.
That's why I'm not going
to tell her anything.
You know,
there's a reason
why Lucy gets left out
and told about stuff last.
She's... crazy.
Good night.
What's up, Kevin?
Let me try this out on you
and see what you think.
Okay.
Ruthie, I'm sorry.
I should have stayed
or I should have insisted
Jake leave when I did.
Hey, you warned me
something bad would happen.
I'm on restriction
for two weeks,
and he can't call or come
anywhere near this house
and I can't call him or anyone
else or have any visitors.
You sound kind of happy
about it.
It's my first
official restriction.
I've had stuff
taken away before,
but I've never been restricted.
I feel like a grown-up
or at least like a teenager.
But y...
Congratulations.
Good-bye.
I'll see you at school.
I called Yasmine
and let her know
that I won't be able to call
or entertain her or anyone else
for a couple weeks.
I can see
by your attitude
that you don't quite get
that your actions
have consequences.
Sure, I do.
Restriction is definitely
a consequence of my actions.
Why don't you
say good night
to the boys?
Night, Sam.
Night, David.
What's going on?
My tummy hurts.
We ate too many snacks.
We don't
feel good.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault, isn't it?
Yes.
Yes.
No.
His...
It's his fault.
How about I stay in here
with you tonight
and if you need anything,
I'll be right by your side?
Okay.
Thank you
and good night.
Good night.
Oh, and if you need anything...
I'll be asleep.
Come in.
Hi.
Hi.
You want to tell me
why you were meeting
with Chandler today?
He let
your little secret slip.
You went
to see him?
I told him I thought it would be
best if he packed up and...
you know, left town.
Thank you.
I know he won't,
but I...
Thank you.
I-It means a lot to me
that you would do something
stupid like that on my behalf.
I can't take all the credit.
Matt and Mary asked me to do it.
They're good kids.
Yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
Something go wrong
on the ride-along?
Yes.
I was kidding.
I know.
Were you kidding?
No.
Roxanne?
You know how you've been
wanting to know
if I've ever been
with someone before?
Please don't tell
me it's Roxanne.
It's not Roxanne.
Lucy, when I graduated
from high school,
my girlfriend thought
she was pregnant,
and we got married.
In the church,
small family wedding.
Only she wasn't pregnant
and neither one of us
wanted to be married at 18,
so six months later,
we divorced.
So the good news is
I can't get married
in the Catholic Church,
so that won't be
an issue for us
when we plan our wedding.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was afraid
you wouldn't love me.
I was afraid this would be
a deal-breaker.
But I do love you,
and I've always been afraid
that you won't love me,
so I guess I know
just how you feel.
Really?
Really.
I love you, Kevin.
I love you.
Why are you telling
me this now?
I pulled someone over today,
and it was her.
She had a long layover
at LAX,
so she rented a car
and drove to the beach.
I stopped her for speeding.
She's married.
She lives in New Zealand.
They have two kids--
a boy and a girl.
So Roxanne met her first?
Roxanne didn't meet her.
Well, she had to have seen her.
She saw her, but neither
she nor Simon met her.
Simon saw her, too,
which is the only reason
why you're telling me.
I was going to tell you
eventually.
Is she pretty?
Luce, don't do this.
Is she?
I don't know...
but you can ask Simon.
I will.
I'll ask him right now.
Let's just keep this
between us for now, okay?
I told your dad.