02x06 - Call Me Unfaithful

[bunniefuu]

(GROANS) I'm never gonna be able to find

an apartment I can afford.

Well, I can't say I'm
rooting for you to leave.

I mean, who else am I gonna
make meatless paella for

on Meatless Paella Monday?

The names of these
places are so misleading.

Magnolia Terrace. Blue Springs Vista.

They should call them Small, Hot Caves

and No Natural Light,
Cockroach Dump Truck.

You know, cockroacs are
really misunderstood.

They're actually evolutionary miracles.

Okay, then you move there.

Hello.

This place could be called:
Mom-Barges-In Estates,

fully furnished with
stuff she'll criticize.

What is that awful smell?

Dinner.

Oh, yum.

Oh, looks like someone's been shopping.

Well, Preston and I
are going on vacation,

and I needed some new things.

What do you think?

Are you going to Miami in the ' s?

You're getting too comfortable with me.

And we're going to Bora Bora.

Yeah, I bet it won't be
"Bora Boring." (CHUCKLES)

Maybe I could live in
this windowless basement.

While I'm gone, I was hoping
you could stop by the house

each evening to pick up the mail

and turn on some lights so
it looks like someone's home.

And then go back in the
morning and turn them off again?

Oh, could you? You're such a dear.

Sheila, you know you can get the lights

that turn off and on by themselves.

Yeah, I've got mine set
to go on every day at dusk.

Sounds like witchcraft.

You can also control them
with the sound of your voice.

Alexa, turn on party lights.

ALEXA: Okay.

(SHEILA GASPS)

Oh, it gets better.

Alexa, play dance music.

ALEXA: Here's Nectar
radio on Amazon Music.

- ♪ I took an arrow to the heart... ♪
- Ooh!

Meatless Paella Mondays
include a dance interlude.

- Ooh, I like this.
- ♪ Strawberries and something more ♪

May I have this dance?

- Absolutely.
- ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ I want it all ♪

- ♪ Lipstick on my guitar ♪
- Again, too comfortable.

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

I can't understand why someone
who lifts heavy packages

for a living, would go
to the gym on his day off.

Max invited me.

Oh.

So you two really are friends.

And it's all because of me?

I should pat myself
on the back for that.

Ooh, I should do this
more. I really like it.

I'm looking forward to it.

Max belongs to a really cool gym,

and it's a chance to bro out.

Bro out?

You know, spend time with other guys

but while doing something physical

so you don't have to talk to each other.

I've been told I talk too much.

Especially during...

Well, it's early. We don't
need to go into detail.

I suspect this is about
more than bro-ing out.

You want to show off, don't you?

So much. I really bulked up

since everyone started ordering
those online mattresses.

Really? I haven't noticed.

(QUIETLY): I have totally noticed.

Wow.

- I'll call you later.
- All right.

Have fun, uh, pumping or lifting
or whatever you're gonna do.

- Hey, Randi.
- Hey, Oscar, looking good.

Keep ordering those mattresses, folks.

So, how'd it go? Did
you like the apartment?

- There was a toilet in the kitchen.
- Ooh.

But, Kat, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

On my way back, I was
sitting at a red light

and I saw your mother's boyfriend

walk out of a restaurant

with another woman.

What?

Yeah, and they were
really into each other.

Definitely vibing.

How'd you even know it was Preston?

You've never met him.

Well, he's all over Sheila's Instagram.

My mother has Instagram?

And TikTok.

Although, somethings it's unclear

if she understands that her
videos can be seen by everybody.

Kat, I'm sure it was him.

And I'm sure it was completely innocent.

I hang out with Max, and
I'm not cheating on Oscar.

Oh, I hate to break it to
you, but people think you are.

Costumers talk about it all the time.

Yeah, I stopped trying to correct them

and started joining in.

You're making fun of me, but
you're only proving my point.

Poor Sheila. How're you
gonna break it to her?

I'm not.

All we have is something
Randi thinks she saw.

If I were gonna tell my mother,
I would need concrete evidence.

Well, then, let's go get some.

What do you mean, like, spy?

Yes. We can get in
my car and follow him.

Oh, I don't know if I feel
comfortable spying on Preston.

I-I can't even watch
a cat licking itself.

All right, then don't.

Just put it in the back of your mind,

where it gnaws at you day and night.

Night and day.

Fine. We'll spy.

Oh! I love this!

It's like watching an episode
of CSI: Louisville.

(STRAINING)

- Yeah!
- (SHOUTS)

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- Hey, man, crushed it.

- Boom.
- Your turn.

- All right. I got to match that.
- All right.

Yeah.

- What's up?
- Ah, saved by the Oscar.

- I didn't know you belonged to this gym.
- I don't. Max invited me.

Oh, okay. Cool, cool.

I figured the more, the sweatier.

Mind if I give this a try?

You warmed up?

I'm always warm.

That's a weird flex, but okay.

It took me weeks to get this weight.

If you want to, you... Oh.

(LAUGHS): Oh! Dude.

Mattresses.

That's another weird flex.

I really, uh, like this gym.

Yeah, they got a cardio
room, they got a pool.

Right, right, but the,
uh, the weight room

is kind of our domain.

I notice they offer yoga classes.

You guys want to try that next time?

That'd be cool. I'm in.

You're in?

Great, we can drive over together.

Wait, wait, uh, what
about weight lifting?

What about our domain?

(LAUGHS) We'll have
two domains, you know?

Let's expand the kingdom.

Have you ever done yoga before?

(LAUGHS): Have I done yoga?

No.

I think you'll really like it.

It's super athletic.
It takes, uh, strength,

skill, flexibility.

You've, um, already
got the whole package.

Accurate.

All right, let's get flexible.

I stand by that.

Okay, that's my mom's
house right over there.

She's gonna be at bridge
club for the next four hours.

Five if they make margaritas.

Perfect time for that
dirty bastard to sneak out

without her knowing.

Okay, he's not a dirty bastard yet.

Your mom let this crusty
old dude move into her house

and now he's got a side piece?

That is my definition
of a dirty bastard.

Again, I think we need to
put a pin in "dirty bastard"

until we have proof.

- All right, so we wait.
- Yes, and I have waiting supplies.

I've got chips and candy and bubble gum

for the bubble-blowing competition...

I'll explain later.

Mad Libs. So fun.

And I got a vegetarian supreme pizza

with extra mushrooms.

I know you said you love mushrooms.

Actually, I said I did mushrooms once.

Got lost in the ball pit
at a kids' pizza place,

but I appreciate the thought.

Ooh, look, Preston's getting in his car.

Ooh, guess it's on like Donkey Kong.

Okay, no one says that anymore,
but I'll let you have this one.

Uh, I need an adjective.

Spacious.

- Noun.
- Walk-in closet.

Another noun?

Underground parking.

Boy, you really are stuck
on this apartment thing.

I need a place of my own, Kat,
and I've looked everywhere.

At this point, I'd be
willing to live in my car.

You're currently sitting
in my guest bedroom.

All right, let's see where we are.

Uh, "Even though the moon first appears

as a spacious slice of light

and finally becomes
a full walk-in closet

doesn't change its underground parking."

(LAUGHS) I mean, this game is brilliant.

We've been following this
guy for almost an hour.

Basically we're just
running errands with him.

Ah, are you saying that
maybe you were wrong?

No, I'm saying if he's cheating,
then he's not doing it tonight.

Okay, so let's call it.

Or we pull over,

eat the pizza and play more Mad Libs.

I won't tell you which
one I'm voting for.

Ooh, wait, Preston's parking

- in front of that apartment building.
- Oh.

Oh, he's getting out
with a bouquet of flowers.

Wait, when did he get those?

Maybe when he was at the supermarket?

We're not very good at this.

We'd be better if you weren't
hitting me with Mad Libs

while I'm trying to stalk.

Ooh, look at Preston's swagger.

Is he whistling?

Ooh, I want to slap that whistle

right off his cheating cheetah lips.

You know, maybe he's
visiting one of his kids.

I think he has a son who
still lives in the area.

Well, does his son have a thing

for enormous bouquets of red roses?

He could be visiting a-a sick friend.

Or a sick aunt.

Or maybe he's a member
of some underground

flower-arranging club.

Kat, I love your optimism,
but every once in a while,

you need to see the bad in people.

I'm sorry, I just believe in

giving people the benefit of the doubt.

It's a nicer way to live.

Pretty sure it's why
I don't have wrinkles.

Your skin is very good.

Thank you.

And so far, we don't
have evidence of anything

other than Preston
likes to dip his fries

in a milkshake while he drives.

And I'm sure Sheila would
have something to say

about fast food in the car.

Oh, she certainly did
when I tried it in hers.

Lost all my food privileges.

I mean, I was years old.

I know how to eat in
a car without spilling.

You know what?

We're gonna have to take
this to the next level.

I agree. What does that mean?

Follow me. Bring the pizza.

What about the Mad Libs?

Let the damn Mad Libs go.

Ah, class was awesome.

I feel like I'm at least an inch taller.

Yeah, yoga's great for loosening
you up and stretching you out.

I'll grab some beers.
Hey, you want some ice?

You landed on your butt pretty hard.

- My butt is fine.
- Okay.

Ah! Come on, man.

Somebody didn't find their zen.

You, uh, got a new bartender?

(EXHALES) My cousin Darren.

Every couple years he rolls back

into town broke and needing a job.

My grandma guilts me into hiring him

and then a week later I got to fire him.

Last time he started a
grease fire in the kitchen,

tried to put it out with vodka.

The good stuff.

Oh. Seriously, I've never felt
more relaxed after a workout.

And I've never been so tight.

Yeah, people don't usually
swear during a yoga class.

(GRUNTING SOFTLY)

Come here, you big toe bitch!

You know why I couldn't relax?
It was too damn hot in there.

The heat's supposed to
increase your heart rate,

help your body release toxins.

Oh, Carter definitely
released some toxins.

(FARTS)

That wasn't me.

- It wasn't me!
- It's okay,

it's all, uh, part of the process.

I'm ready to get back to lifting.

We on for Thursday morning?

Actually, I think I'm going
to a yoga class with Oscar.

- Again?
- You should come, too.

- I promise it gets easier.
- Nah, nah.

Uh-uh, I'm good. You two enjoy.

Good luck stretching your
way through a street fight.

Hey, Darren, I need some ice.

Oh, you know what, dude?
I think I messed up.

I pressed the button on the
machine and all the ice melted,

- so...
- Darren, you fired.

Yep. Grandma already on
her way to pick me up, so...

You know, I-I changed my mind.

I don't think we should do this.
It's an invasion of privacy.

Plus, I don't even know what
I would say if Preston sees me.

-I get it. We can totally go home.

- (EXHALES)
- Can I have that?

Well, weird time for a snack,
and that's coming from me.

- Randi, no!
- Too late.

Hi. Pizza delivery.

Sorry I'm late, there was traffic.

Preston, baby, did you order food?

Getting harder to believe it's an aunt.

You know what? I think I
have the wrong apartment.

Ooh, but before I go, I
love your hardwood floors.

Do all the units have
them? What about laundry?

Do you have a pool in this building?

This is not how you treat
a potential neighbor.

I hate being right.

No you don't.

In this case, I do.

♪ ♪

See, the trick is...
to hinge at the hips,

keep your feet planted

and lift with your legs.

Hinge, plant, lift.

Sounds like a hardware store.

I'll coach you through it. You ready?

Don't you normally do this kind of thing
with Max? Where's he?

Well, uh, Max has decided to walk

a different fitness path, in
the form of yoga, with Oscar.

B-But I don't care, 'cause I
got my great friend Phil to spot.

I am flattered, but don't you
have other brawnier friends

who enjoy lifting things
up over their heads?

Honestly, I lost most of
my friends in the divorce.

As horrible as my ex-wife was to me,

she is a party in
cheetah-print stilettos.

Honey, I... lifting
weights just isn't my thing.

Then why'd you say you'd come?

Well, I didn't think we
would actually work out.

I thought we would just take a lap,

see who we know and grab a bite.

Look, I think you should try this once.

- (MOANS)
- Okay?

Okay, on the count of three.

- One, two...
- Three.

- Oh!
- (GRUNTS)

- Yeah!
- Oh!

(LAUGHS): Oh!

- Way to go, Phil.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, I feel so good.

- Yeah, you do. Oh!
- (SHOUTS)

Breakfast is on me.

So, it was definitely Preston?

Yep, no doubt about it.

And he has the audacity to be
cheating in one of the nicest

one-bedroom-plus-office
apartments I have ever seen.

What? It's like he's taunting me.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. I was tossing
and turning all night.

- Well, you have to tell Sheila.
- Do I?

I wish somebody had told me

that Marty was stepping out.

Other than Marty.

And what if Oscar was cheating?
You would want to know, right?

I guess so.

Ouch, just thinking about that hurts.

And remember what happened with Daniel?

You had found out he'd been married,

and you didn't tell me right away.

I didn't want to upset you.

But you did upset me, even more

than if you had just
told me straight out.

And he wasn't even cheating.

Imagine how hurt and mad
Sheila would be if she finds out

that you knew and didn't tell her.

And now that I know, I don't
know how long I can keep it in.

Hello, all.

Hello, Mother.

What is so important that
you had to rush me up here?

Oh, we didn't rush. You got
a coffee, you didn't like it,

I made you a new coffee,
you said hi to three cats.

It encourages them.

The cats with higher
self-esteem get adopted faster.

Come, come sit with me.

Y... you seem stressed.

Oh, you got your first wrinkle.

I'll make an appointment with my guy.

- No, please don't do that.
- (SIGHS)

Well, at least take this cream.

It's experimental, but it stings,

so you know it's doing something.

Mother...

... Preston is cheating on you.

I know.

You do?

The woman's name is Susan,

He's been seeing her
for a few months now.

But h...

Wh...

Wait, are the two of you,
like, keeping things open?

I mean, if so, that's great, you know?

I just need to try to figure
out how to forget all this

and wash my brain with soap. (GAGS)

No, no. Preston is cheating on me.

He doesn't know I know.

Well, how did you find out?

He's stupid.

Well, I know that.

The first clue was he
bought a new toupee.

Then he stopped wearing
socks with his loafers.

Things added up pretty
quickly after that.

W... why are you still with him?

Nobody's perfect.

I don't like to be alone.

And when he's with me,

we have a nice time.

It's not ideal, but...

it's good enough.

But you could meet other people.

Uh, join a few dating apps.
Like, see who's out there.

Sweetie, I've watched you
try to date over the years,

and, no offense, but what a nightmare.

So... so you're just done?

This is it for you?

I already met the love of my life.

And had wonderful years with him.

Everything after your
father is just a bonus.

Besides, it's nice

to have someone around
who can put up shelves

and clean the gutters.

Well, what you just
described is a handyman,

and we can get you one of those.

Well, what if I fall down the stairs?

There's a button for
that. I'll sign you up.

What about our vacation...
who's gonna carry my suitcases?

A bellman or two or three?

Just pack less.

I'm fine with the way things are.

You deserve more than fine.

I mean, what is it you always told me?

Never settle for crumbs when
you're worth a whole cookie.

I can see now why you don't like
me interfering in your love life.

It's annoying.

Please, stay out of it.

I'll leave the cream.

Uh, don't wear it while you sleep.

It'll burn a hole in your pillowcase.

We're getting a little low on rum.

Well, order some.

You're the one always pushing mai tais.

Okay.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, I'm fine.

Come on, Carter.
Something's bothering you.

Well, maybe it's that I had to
work out with Phil this morning,

and my whole day's been off ever since.

Well, you and I can work out on Friday.

Well, we used to work out
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

That was my week. Friday is
like a whole other way of living.

Well, I mean, you could come
with Oscar and me to yoga.

Come on, man. You saw me at yoga.

I looked like some sort
of wounded grasshopper.

And where the hell did Oscar come from?

Working out was our thing.

So you miss me.

How could I miss you? We
spend all day together.

(LAUGHS)

Carter, I'm not dumping you for Oscar.

You're not?

Of course not.

You are the best guy friend I ever had,

and that's not gonna change.

Wow, that yoga really helped me
get in touch with my emotions.

Ooh. What about you, flexy?

Don't treat me like a ten-year-old.

Well, you are a ten-year-old.
Ten-year-olds flinch.

- Uh...
- Look at you flinch.

Hey, don't hit me unless
you want it to go down.

I've been lifting weights.
You've been standing on one leg

with both arms in the air.

All right, how about this:

one week we'll lift weights,
one week we'll do yoga.

Is Oscar gonna be there?

Yes. Oscar's a great guy, and

I hate to break it to you, but...

he's stronger than you are.

- No, he's not.
- Only one way to find out.

Okay, I will see both of
you at the gym tomorrow.

Tomorrow's yoga.

Damn.

- Oh...
- Flinched again.

- I swear to God, you...
- (EXCLAIMS)

Wait, how about this one?

Co-op building, one bedroom, one bath,

walkable neighborhood.

Ooh, let me see.

Oh, nope. I've been to that one.

The co-op building is just
some creepy guy's house.

Gross.

He did say he would do
my laundry for me, though.

- So I'm keeping it on my "maybe" list.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi.

May I come in?

Absolutely.

Hey, Sheila.

I ended things with Preston.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Me too.

I was hoping I... I could
stay here for a few days.

I'd rather not be there
while he packs his things.

Of course. Anything you need.

I'd love a cup of tea.

No sugar, splash of lemon.

Uh-huh. Coming right up.

And then, I was
thinking, while I'm here,

we could start going
through your closet.

I have a lot of thoughts.

Ooh, I do, too. This is gonna be fun.

- Did you find the towels?
- I did.

And I regret not bringing my own.

- Good night, Mom.
- Good night.

- Katharine?
- Yeah?

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪

Is it hot in here?

Thank you.

Okay, let's move into
standing tree pose.

I always wanted to be a tree.

- You're my beautiful tree.
- (CHUCKLES)

Whoa. How do you-how...
Oh, sorry, sorry.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Sorry! I'm sorry.

Hey, good news. You're
not the worst anymore.

Worst? Pretty soon I'll
be teaching this class.

Can we just go get lunch?

♪ ♪

♪ In the forest of your mind ♪

♪ Leave the darkness of the shadows ♪

♪ Can you find ♪

♪ There's a lot, you got to focus ♪

♪ And you will. ♪