01x06 - The Three Bleepin' Bleeps

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Pivoting". Aired: January 9, 2022 to present.
Comedy about three middle-aged friends who decide to change the direction of their lives after a loss of a friend.
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01x06 - The Three Bleepin' Bleeps

Post by bunniefuu »

And the squeak, squeak,
squeak of Dan's flossing

- with his pinky in the air...
- Ugh.

... makes me want him to h*t an artery

- and just float away on a pool of his own blood...
- Mm-hmm.

... the floss dangling from his teeth.

- Mm.
- When Diana would drink water,

which was the only thing that
she actually liked in life...

- ... she would drink and then she would smack her lips...

- No.

And then go, "Oh, wow,
that's refreshing",

as if it's news that water's refreshing.

I wanted to rip her lips off her face.


I mean, I do miss it, but...

I'll tell you what... what
really makes me quite violent

is when Henry plays the guitar,

he makes... I don't even know what.

It's like the most earnest face.

It's like... It's like... mmm.

- I don't even know what it is.
- Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.

But what I want to do is I
want to punch him in that face

and then I want to punch him again

and then I want to just flick him

as, like, the final insult.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, boo.

I am gonna go make some of
my famous gazpacho.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- I don't know how you stay married to him.
- I wanna rip my ears off my head.



Well, not everyone likes a cold soup.

I get it. It's not for everyone.

♪ Hey! ♪



BEN: Of course, I know
Sasha's upset with me,

but it's the right decision.

It's really a bummer that I
ruined my sh*t with Sasha,

but I do believe deep down
that Priscilla and I could...





Mom, Evan's trying to cut my hair!

'Cause it looks like crap!

It does not look like crap.

But seriously, Nora,
run a brush through it.

You guys, you have to go make the bus.

I can't take you to school today.

I'm late for an appointment.

Mom, can I have cash?

Backpacks on. Now, go! What for?

dr*gs. cr*ck, specifically.

I really hope that's not true, Andrea.

- Is $ enough?
- Thank you.


Wait, no, that's mine!


Come on, guys. We gotta get the bus.

- Jodie.
- Whoa!

Dan, what are you doing home?

I tried to go to work,
but I don't feel well.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

- Oh.
- Is there a trash can you prefer I use?

Is... Is the toilet not an option?

No, I mean to put beside the bed.

Or I could just lie with my head

pressed against the cold floor.

You know what? I think
it's dealer's choice.

Just please don't use a wicker
trash can from the kids' room.

- I'm so sorry. I've got to go.
- Jodie!

Do you think you could stay? I'm dizzy.

And what if I pass out and h*t my head?

I wouldn't want you or the
kids to find me like that.

I don't want you to
die like that, either.

It's coming. Yeah.

Oh, w... would you get
my computer, please?




- Hey, you.
- JODIE: Hey, you.

- Hi.
- Uh-oh.

I know that "hi." What's wrong?

I'm so sorry to do this last minute,

but I'm not gonna be able to
make it to our session today.

My kid is sick.

Take it off my series, though.

No, no, no. Don't even
worry about it, no.

I know you got a lot on your plate.

Half greens, quarter protein,
and a quarter carbs...

- complex, not simple.
- Not simple.


DAN: I'm gonna blow again!

Need another trash can!

I'll be there in just a minute!

[WHISPERING] But I'm running in place.

I'll lose the last pound from home.

How about those jumping jack twists

that I'm trademarking for my program?

They will blast the calories.

Here we go. And jack and twist!

And jack and twist!

Jack! Twist! Jack! Twist!

Too late!

Ugh. I'll call you back.

High knees!

Keep those knees high,
and I'm gonna send you

a home workout video that I recorded.

Little glitch... it plays upside down,

but otherwise, it's cool.

Oh, uh...

No, I-I'm Luke's mother.
I'm not trespassing.

No, I know, Mrs. Lakier.

Security recognizes you now.

- Quick thing.
- Man...


Uh, today at recess,
the kids were playing

in their cars on the playground,
and Macy cut Luke off,

drove in front of him, bumped into him,

and he called her a
"bleeping bleep bleep."

Well, I mean, is she
a bleeping bleep bleep?

Let's just say she's not a good driver

and too old to pronounce
the word animal "aminal",

but regardless,

we try and encourage
our students to be kind

and fill each others'
buckets with positivity.

sh**t. Did Luke need
a bucket for school?

No, it's a metaphorical bucket.

Okay, well, that's way cheaper.

- Yeah.
- So when this sort of thing happens,

we usually find that it's because

the child is parroting
something they hear at home.

Okay, so you mean like a babysitter?

Oh, no, no, no, no. We love Gloria here.

Please say hi.
This is a more recent change.

- Puberty.
- Nope, that's a ways off.

Well, I developed very early, okay?

I mean, it was great at first.

It was kind of fun and exciting,

and then changing in gym
class got a little... you know.

I'm sure it was.

- So, uh, not to assign blame...
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

... but it's probably a
parent Luke's parroting.

Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.





Okay, I'm gonna go,

'cause these kids aren't
gonna wipe themselves.

Okay, hey, I will...
I'll talk to Luke's dad

about being a better role model.

He's a real loose cannon, okay?

Wait, why did I come here?

Oh, God. Luke.

[LAUGHS] You get it.


Hey, Bri.

I got you some groceries at Fields.

- Hi.
- Hey.

These are all about to expire,

- so if I were you, I'd get on it.
- Oh, wow.

Thank you. You are spoiling us.

Where's Lila?

Napping, I hope.

That cheap baby monitor I got

only picks up the neighbor's Ring cam.

I think the wife's having an affair.

The pest guy stays there way too long.

What a mess.

You know, I've been meaning to clean out

this closet for a while.

God, Coleen was such a slob.

Oh, my God.

- This is the scarf!
- What scarf?

Uh, the scarf.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The one! The one with
the chickens on it!

She said that you tried
to tie her up with this.

Okay, it's roosters, and, no, I did not.

Unless she said it was great.


I don't think that "great" was the word.

I think it was...

"awkward, embarrassing", oh, and "sad."

But it was a good story.

That she wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

She didn't. Just me, Jodie, and Amy.

Oh. For the record, I did a great job.

The problem was her wrists.

For such a thin woman,
she had very thick wrists.

It's why she always wore men's watches.

You know, Brian, not
everybody's great at bondage.

Okay, Coleen was a very
unreliable narrator.

I will show you exactly how good I did.

- Oh.
- Come on. Get in there.

Be my guest.

The first thing I can
tell you you did wrong

without seeing anything

is that you used a scarf
with chickens on it.

Again, roosters,

and it was the only scarf
that she'd let us ruin.

It was a gift from my mom,

which probably added a
creepy layer to things.

- Mm-hmm.
- Might be why it didn't work out.

And done.

See, I don't think
it was her fat wrists,

may they rest in peace.

I think it was you.

- Why don't you have a seat...
- Okay.

... and I will show you
how it's actually done.

You remember my ex, Diana.

- Mm-hmm.
- She was a freak.

Couldn't tie her legs
together. You know what I mean?

So, uh... Oh.

What else did Coleen tell you about me?

Um, that you cry at rom-coms,

uh, you love the Dave Matthews Band,

and that you sit when you pee.

Every man does when no one's around.

You have a blankie named Bolly.

You barricade the doors at
night in case of an intruder.

Because zombies.


AMY: All right, heads
up, Luke. Glass incoming.

Watch where you're
going, you... nice man.

You very nice man.

Mommy, you're not gonna
take that, are you?

I am. I am gonna bend over
and I am gonna take it,

because that's what we
do when people upset us.


of two is what I am.


This is so hard.

There you go. Lunge. Lunge.

That's right. -degree angle!

You guys are doing great. Sweet, okay.

For this next one, you
can use any household item

if you don't have any weights at home.

I like to use a large bottle of shampoo.

We're just gonna do
some tricep extensions.

Oh, you're walking.

And there's color in your face.

Yeah, I think the last of it is out.

The tea you made really helped.

- Aww.
- Thank you.

I think it was food poisoning.

I might have eaten some
bad Shrimp Louie yesterday.

Not Petruzzo's.

- Petruzzo's.
- Oh, my God!

That is so gross! Dan!

They gave me back my
coat and there was a mouse

eating a tissue in the pocket!

I have never seen you scream like that.

Your face was just an open mouth.


- Yeah, just like that.
- No!


I promise, next anniversary,

I will choose a restaurant

where the rodents stay
safely on the floor.



Oh, the laughter, it's
j-jostling the, uh...

[GURGLING] ... warm shrimp.

[LAUGHING] Good luck up there.




She originally started dating you

because of the free frozen yogurt.

But then she fell madly in love with me?

Deeply, deeply, madly.

You were all she talked about.

And I'm done.

- Mm.
- Try to get out of that one.

Yeah, okay.




You're really good at this.

You should get into kidnapping.

So, tell me something she said about me.

I mean, she was just
really proud of you.

You had such an important
job, saving people.

Touching all those gross
body parts, all those fluids.

That's it?

Well, she thought you
looked great in scrubs.


She thought you were
a superhero, you know?

Sarah Man. [LAUGHS]

She was really proud
of you being a doctor.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
go bag groceries now.

Are you mad? I'm picking up a tone.

You just told me Coleen was proud
of me because I was a doctor,

and now I'm not a doctor anymore,

so my feelings are hurt.


I'm... I'm sorry.

Was there anything
else she was proud of?

I'm... I'm sure there were
a lot of things, I just...

can't think of them right now
with you look at me like that.

See you later, Bri.

Oh, hey. I think you forgot something.




- Okay.

Hey, how was your day?

Oh, it was, um... My...
My day was wonderful.

Everyone was very nice and... Oh, good.

Glad you have your guitar out.

Yeah, just grippin' and riffin'.

Doing that thang.

So hey, hey, hey.

So, Mr. Higgins tells me today

that our kids repeat
everything that we say,

and Luke has just been
dropping bleep-b*mb

all around the playground.

Yeah. Wonder where he got that from.

Yeah, well, I told him
I'd have a chat with you.

Right, you traced the
problem back to me.

- Thank you.
- Okay, let's stop

pointing fingers at each other, okay?

Higgins is the real problem here.

He's a real piece of... sheet cake.

So sheet cake, Luke, is
a wonderful, um, dessert

enjoyed by educators in all countries.

♪ You're my sheet cake, baby ♪

♪ You got so many layers ♪

♪ You're my sheet cake, baby ♪

♪ You got so many layers ♪

All right, I gotta
write my feelings down.

Luke, I'm borrowing your notebook.

- We could go up on it.
- You could.

- ♪ You're my sheet cake, baby, you got so many layers ♪
- "Mr. Higgins... "

- is a real... and he's that,
- ♪ You're my sheet cake, baby ♪

- ♪ You ain't got any haters ♪
- and he's that, and he's...

Yeah, that writes itself.

♪ Sheet cake, baby,
you got so many layers ♪

♪ You're my sheet cake, baby,
you ain't got any haters ♪

- Oh, God.
- ♪ You're my sheet cake ♪

♪ Sheet cake ♪

So, you know, it's great. It's so good.

Um, you know what I was thinking?

Your playing is so delightful
that maybe we save it up

as a surprise and do a recital...

you do a recital at
the end of the month.

- I mean, that's...
- Yeah, that's so nice.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I might not be ar...

I think, I'm looking through
my calendar right now,

and I don't think I'm around
at the end of the month.

- I'm probably...
- ♪ My baby's not around at the end of the month ♪

♪ My baby's not around ♪


Thank you for shopping at Fields.

You have a great day.

Hey, I've been trying to call you.

You're not picking up.

Well, because we're in a fight, Brian.

Why are we in a fight?

I'm mad at you because I'm mad at myself

for quitting the thing that
Coleen was most proud of.

And it's just easier to be mad at you.

I get it. Coleen used to get mad at me

when she was mad at herself, too.

Yeah, I know that.

I remembered something
she was proud of you for.

It's too late. Just... What?

She was really proud when
you ran that six-minute mile

for a high-school fitness test.

I mean, she said it was the
fastest time that anyone did.

I didn't do that.

I cheated. I've never cheated
on anything in my life.

I paid a girl to shave
a minute off my time.

I was trying to impress our gym teacher.

Darn her beautiful breasts!

Now I'm mad at myself again, okay?

So just go.

You know, I forgot, I
was gonna get some milk,

but I'll just pick some
up at the gas station.


Guys, can you meet me at the
high-school track in an hour?

I want to run the mile
in under six minutes,

but I don't want to do it alone,

since the girl who's been
missing for five years

was last seen there.


- Oh, dear Lord.
- Oh, Mr. Higgins.

You're early. Should we come back?

This feels like a "come back" moment.

No, no, no, no. Please,
come in. Have a seat.

We really need to talk about Luke.

our... with our tops off or... ?

Don't make me send you
to the principal's office.

Why? She doing hot yoga?


I'm just gonna get to the point.

Uh, Luke brought in a poem
to read for show and tell.

- Aww. How about Luke.
- Hey. That's great.

- "Higgins is a bleeping prude... "
- Oh.

"... whose bleep is clenched so tight,

he can make bleeping diamonds."

Non-rhyming poem.

Luke stole my notebook.

That is the bigger issue here.

So you also have problems with your W's.

I do. I... I... I really
struggle with that.

Look, Mr. Higgins, I'm sure you can
see the... the humor in all of this.

Mm-hmm. I hope you
can, too. There is more.

- No.
- "Henry is playing the guitar

and making that bleeping face,

and I want to rip it off
and shove it up his bleep."

Okay, you know what? I think
we can say "ass", all right?

It's an animal, and
it was heavily featured

in the Christmas story, if I recall.

- She didn't write "ass."
- I gathered that.

Wow, you really don't
like my guitar face.

Oh, please do not be so sensitive.

Your texting face
isn't so great, either.

Henry, that is hurtful. I'm a lady.

Yeah, well. You talk like a sailor.

You got to filter yourself.

Oh, w... I have to filter myself?

Are you kidding me? You
don't filter yourself.

Yeah, I do. I filter
myself all the time.

Morning, noon, especially right now.

Okay, well, some of us aren't fake.

This is who I am.

Why should I change for the kids?

- I was here first.
- Very mature.

You're very mature.

Look, no one's saying you can't be you,

just button it up around the kids.


I'm gonna go. I have a guitar recital

- to practice for.
- Oh, lucky us.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- I have faith in you.
- No, don't have faith.

Nobody needs faith.



I'm binging. Don't judge me.

Did you know you can't
curse in front of your kids?

Well, yes.

I mean, have you never read one...

I'm sorry. I was gonna
say "parenting book."

I mean, if I knew that I had to be

a good influence for these things,

I don't... I wouldn't
have signed up for this.

If I had known that Dan
was gonna get food poisoning

and remind me of the nice Dan I married,

I might not have kissed Matt.

- You kissed Matt?
- Mm-hmm.

[GASPS] Are you guys gonna do it?

I was maybe going to
if I lost eight pounds,

which I am dangerously close to.

Oh, you're training
for an affair. Got it.

Shush! Shh!

- Oh, a little.
- I guess people can change.

I never would have
pegged you for somebody

who would put themselves first.

Well, I never pegged you as someone

who would put her kids first.

- You're doin' it, girl!
- Great hustle!

Look at you!

Yeah, you know what? I
think my kids would be

better off without me.

I can't control myself.

Oh, my God.

You think my kids would
be better off without me?

- I never said that.
- Yeah, but you never said they wouldn't.

Well, you used to not
care what I thought.

Well, I still don't care what you think,

but I mean, you could blow
a little smoke up my ass.

Oh, sh**t, am I a bad
person if I have an affair?

Am I gonna have to say "sh**t" now

when I slam my finger in a drawer?

You've got this!

Really good hustle!

You know what? I'm
gonna get my act together

and I'm gonna be a good
role model for my kids,

because you think I can't.

You're gonna be a
mother just to spite me?

Well, I need incentive.


I'm gonna cheat on Dan just
'cause you don't think I would.

- To spite me?
- Yeah.

No. Because it was
the greatest kiss ever,

and he's really stinkin' hot.


No, I can't say "stinkin'."

I can't. I can't do that.

Oh, God. I need an
outlet for this anger.

Wha... What was my time?!

Um, uh, what... what
were you trying to b*at?

Six minutes!

- Oh!
- Oh, well!

- Well, it's : !
- Yeah!


Coleen, I did it!

I'm not a doctor anymore,
but I did the other thing!


Well, let's go congratulate this nutbag.

- Don't say "nutbag." It's not PC.
- What?

Don't ever say it around your kids.


♪ Drivin' down the highway ♪

♪ Drivin' so fast ♪

♪ The radio's on in my Pontiac ♪

I don't see a face.

I don't know what she's talking about.


I just see a sexy guy doing sexy stuff.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Mind if I get in this a little bit?

Let me h*t it.

♪ Driving down the highway ♪

♪ Driving so fast ♪

♪ Radio's on in my Pontiac ♪

Whoo! All I see is a rock god.


- Let's back this up.
- Let's double team this dream.


♪ Driving down the highway ♪

♪ Driving so fast ♪

♪ Radio's on in my Pontiac ♪

- Oh, man.

Yeah, I think Lila's awake.

Uh, she's gonna want to hear this.

Two, three, four.

♪ Driving down the highway ♪

♪ Driving so fast ♪

♪ Third-row seating in my Pontiac-ac ♪

You dumb [BLEEP].

Use your [BLEEP] blinker
if you're gonna make a turn.

If you're turning to the
right, use the right blinker,

you [BLEEP] [BLEEP].

What's wrong with her?

She's a role model.

I feel better.



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