05x04 - Hard Cover

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Happy Days". Aired: January 15, 1974 – July 19, 1984.*
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Set during the 1950's, the series revolves around teenager Richie and his family who owns a hardware store and Fonzie, who would eventually become Richie's best friend.
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05x04 - Hard Cover

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby a'


♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

(organ solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Happy and free I
- S Oh, baby a'


♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days!

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

HOWARD: Okay,
I got the camera working now.

I want everyone to smile
as you come through the door.

Here we go.

Lights, camera, action.

-(camera whirring)
- Come on.

Oh, that's good! Good!

Very good.

Good... good...

- Very good! Good!
- Howard?

- Huh?
- Uh, your film is dribbling.

Huh?

- Oh, for goodness sakes.
-(Marion sighs)

Well, so much for "even a child
can operate it," Dad.

Well, I don't understand it.

I never even touched it.

Now will you look at the
instruction manual, Howard?

What good is the manual, Marion?

It's written in Japanese.

Where is it?

Right where you put it--
upstairs in the wastebasket.

Oh...

Let me tell you, these films
are gonna be fabamundo.

As long as, uh, certain
gloomy Gus here shapes up.

What's up, Gus?

It's-it's...
it's just... just college.

How could that be wrong?

You just started.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's not the way they show it
in those brochures.

You know, with the pictures
of a... of a guy and a girl

sitting under a tree,
talking together.

Yeah.

I sat under a tree.

All I picked up was a squirrel.

(laughing)

Now, I'm in college now.

Is it too much to ask to want
to date college girls?

Well, that's your first mistake.

You don't ask me. Ask them.

Well, you think
I didn't try that?

Look, freshman girls-- they only
want to date upperclassmen.

And seniors- they're only
interested in marrying doctors.

The homecoming dance
is tomorrow night.

I don't have a date,

and I absolutely refuse
to take a high school girl!

Now, will you
cool your heels, Red?

The Fonz
will set you up socially.

I've only got one day.

Hey, the places I take you,
you don't strike out.

Well, Fonz, you see, I-l do want
kind of a-a nice girl

to take to the homecoming.

I mean, not a girl
who pops up out of a cake.

All right, all right,
forget class.

I'm gonna take you...
I'm gonna take you

to a place called, uh,
the Finster Memorial Library.

Library? For girls?

That's right.

See, girls got
two things in common.

One is that they all love
to read.

Uh, well,
wh-what's the other thing?

Now, didn't I tell you this
place was hopping with chicks?

RICHIE:
Yeah.

You're gonna get a notch
in your "liberry" card.

(Richie laughs)

Shh!

Are you sure Richie's here?

Would Howie lie to me?

Pots, I don't believe
my eyes-- look!

There's Fonzie.

Yeah. What's the Fonz doing
in the library?

They probably put in
a sexy book section.

Yeah.

- Come on, let's see.
- Okay.

- Hey, Fonz.
- Hey, Fonz.

Well, if it ain't
the two stooges.

Boy, Fonz... (laughs)

this is the last place
we thought we'd find you.

- Yeah. -Are you saying
I can't read?

- No, Fonz, no, you read great.
- No.

- Your lips never even move.
- Yeah.

Just-just, Fonz,
you're not the kind of guy

I picture with his nose
in a book.

I have many sides.

Now, what do you want?
I'm busy.

We got to find Rich, Fonz.

- There's big doings tonight.
- You bet.

We're all planning a panty raid
at the Kenwood Hall,

the girls dorm.

Yup. Fonz, Carter's,
Frederick's of Hollywood,

Fruit of the Loom.

What do you say?

What do I say? Panty raid?

Child's tomfoolery.

Child's tomfoolery--
exactly what I said, Fonz,

but they're forcing us to go.

Richie, too--
they're forcing him.

Where is he?

Richie is on a raid all his own.

I suggest you leave him alone.

Oh, right, Fonz,
but could you do us a favor

and tell him to meet us
at Mitchell Hall, : tonight.

Any later, and he'll miss out.

I'll tell him. Good-bye.

- Thanks, Fonz.
- See you, Fonz.

No, wait!
No, don't do that! Hey!

Fonzie, a girl just threw
w*r and Peace at me!

Hit me in the head.

Will you keep it down?
We're in a "liberry."

Shh!

All right, okay,
let's just quit.

I've tried three times,
and I've struck out every time.

Let's just forget it.

You're not quitting.

Now, look, when you're strolling
down life's highway,

you don't remember
the strikeout...

Only the home run.

Now, either you're gonna
give it your best sh*t,

or don't sh**t at all.

Okay...

Look out,
'cause I'm gonna do it.

Now, you're sizzling.

(Richie clears his throat)

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, is this seat taken?

Oh, good. Good.

(Richie clears his throat)

(Richie clears his throat)

oh!

Oh...

Slow beginning, but overall,
a very, very good read.

You read the entire book
so fast?

Oh, oh, you noticed that?

(Richie chuckles)

Well, yeah, yeah,
I'm a speed reader.

Self-taught.

Oh. How long you been
reading that way?

Oh, years.

I'm a member
of the Book of the Day Club.

Hmm. Then, uh...

why were you always
getting chewed out

for not doing your reading
in driver's ed class?

How did you know that?

We were in the same class
in high school.

Remember, Richie?

Oh! Oh! Oh, sure!

- I... I remember you.
- Yeah.

Yeah, certainly,
you were the...

- Mm!
- Right. Vaguely. I...

Not at all. I...

I'm Lori Beth Allen.

Uh, you wouldn't remember me.

We had different friends,
I had different hair.

I had this tooth
over here fixed.

- It was...
- Lori Beth.

You always ignored me.

Well, um, I'm grown up now.

I'm in college.

(Richie chuckles)

You-You WM, too?

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Do you live at home?

No, I'm in the dorms.
What about you?

Oh. Oh, I, uh...

I-I live in a house.

Oh. Whose? Phi Delta?

- No.
- Alpha Tau Omega?

No, uh...

Mama Papa Sister.

Who...?

Well, uh, my... my parents.

I figure that, either way,

you eat a lot
of meatloaf, right?

Yeah, well,
I'm about through here.

I finished my book, too.

Oh, uh, Mary Beth?

Lori Beth.

Oh, oh, right, I-l remember...
(anxious laugh)

I-I just wanted to...
to ask you something...

Oh... (nervous chuckle)

I just thought that...

Hey, listen, why...

why don't we go to Arnold's
where we can really talk, okay?

We could go back
to my dorm room.

We could do that?

Oh, c-certainly.

Sure, we-we could do that.

Talk, huh?

Good. My roommate's
in the infirmary.

Oh.

Talking in the dorms.

(rock 'n' roll music playing)

DEEJAY: And the WOW
request line is open.

And this one's dedicated
to Lori Beth from Richie.

(doo-wop song plays)

♪ There in the gleam
of the dream days of ours ♪

♪ The sweet mysteries
in the star-speckled skies... ♪

They're playing my SW -

That's my favorite, too.

I love your new hairdo.

I liked it better the old way.

Me, too. Much better.

Would you like to go

to the homecoming dance
with me tomorrow night?

I'd love to.

Me, too.

Mmm, that was nice.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

You know, we have to watch
the time, Richie.

If it's...

If you're not out by : ,
we could be in a lot of trouble.

Oh, we got plenty of time.

- Just trust me.
- I will.

Me, too.

DEEJAY:
It's : , Milwaukee.

Do you know
where your children are?

You know, Richie, I've liked you

ever since I saw you shift gears
in high school.

(imitates engine revving)

But I never dreamt
you were such a tiger.

(roaring)

Mmm...

Lori Beth...

Lori...

L.B.--

I have to ask you something.

Anything, tiger.

What happens if I'm here
after : ?

- Why?
- Oh, nothing.

I just noticed that the
announcer said that it's : .

That's nice.

It's : .

Mm! : !

: ! It's : !

How could you do this to me?

What?
I haven't done anything yet.

It's past : !

Oh, well, look, I think

you're getting worried
over nothing.

So I'm a few minutes late.
What can they do to us?

Expel us!

Expel? No, no,
they wouldn't do that.

- Yes, they would!
- They would?!

Oh, man!

It's happening again.

Why me? Why Richie Cunningham?

I'm a good student,
I work hard.

L-I'm kind to animals.

- Are you through?
- Yes!

- Oh, : ! : !
- I'm sorry.

I'll have to call you
tomorrow.

You better leave.

No! You can't leave.

My cologne, right?

No!

No, you can't leave because
of housemother Dunbar.

She locks the door
at : sharp.

The doors are locked.

You're stuck in here
till : tomorrow.

Oh, nuts.

No, you don't understand.

We can't take any chances
with Mrs. Dunbar.

She's new
and she's really tough.

She was in World w*r ll.

As a nurse?

No, a t*nk.

After she locks up,
she runs a bed check.

The beds are still here.

How long do we have?

Oh, not that long.

If she starts on the first
floor, maybe a half an hour.

Half an hour!

But if she starts up here,
it could be two seconds.

-(knocking on door)
- She's early!

We're gonna be expelled.

Mmm!
What are you doing?

I'm not getting kicked out
for just talking.

(knocking at door)

Mm! Do something!

Under the bed!
Uh, in the closet!

All right, all right.
Stay calm.

Keep a cool head.

I'm jumping out the window!

Can't jump, it's stuck.

- Oh, in-in here.
- Right.

- And try not to wrinkle
anything. -All right.

CHRISTY:
Lori Beth, open up!

It's me, Christy!

- Thank heavens you're alone...
-...Leona's still sick.

So this is where
you want me to hide.

I tell you, very good choice.

The more, the merrier.

Hey, don't I know you?

I don't know, I...
fixed my hair and my tooth...

No, no, no, no, no,
the "liberry."

So where's, uh...

Uh-huh.

Peek-a-boo.

Get out here.

Oh, hi.

You have one, too,
and they know each other?

Fonz, this is,
this is Lori Beth, here.

I'm sorry we didn't
meet before : .

Hey, that's all right.

The Fonz don't
turn into no pumpkin.

Hey, I gotta tell
you something, Rich.

I want to introduce you
to Christy Riggenheimer.

This is a very cool chick.

The things that she did to me

made me feel good all over!

Oh, Fonz, Fonz...

Fonz, I don't think Lori Beth

really wants to hear about that.

Oh, yeah, before
I knew what was happening...

- Fonz! -...before I knew
what was happening,

I was applying for
my own "liberry" card

and checking out
my very first book.

Oh... I thought
you were gonna say, uh...

something else. I...

Oh, I'll tell you
something, Rich.

You should've heard
what she said to me.

She is the first chick--

I'm talking the first chick--

that ever said

that I stimulated her
intellectually.

And now I got
my own "liberry" card.

- Whoa.
- Wait...

y-you went to the library
all those years,

and-and you never got a card?

No, I never thought

they'd give it to a guy like me.

But do you know
there's a card for everybody?

That's right.

Everybody is allowed to read.

Who would've thought
such a thing?

Richie, I hate to alarm you,

but I think
I'm gonna be hysterical.

All right, all right,
don't worry.

If anybody can get us
out of this, it's Fonzie.

Correctamundo.

All right, school's out,
time for action.

The window.

Oh, you're not gonna
be able to open that.

It's painted shut.

Ye of little faith.

Wait...

that's a long way down there.

What do you think?

Well, I think we could make it,

if you want to spend the next
six years in plaster pants.

- Oh, no, no...
- No.

RICHIE:
Hey, hey, Fonz.

- Yeah?
- Fonz, I got an idea.

We could take the mattresses,
right, throw 'em out the window

and use those to break our fall.


Or-or, better yet,
we could take the sheets, see?

We could, we could rip 'em up.

We could tie 'em together,

-make a rope and climb down.
- Yeah. -Yeah!

Boy, I'm really starting
to think now, Fonz.

- Uh, Rich?
- Hmm?

Have you no respect
for state property?

Well, Fonzie,
you have to do something.

Right! Let's party.

Party?!
Fonz, if you get caught,

you're just gonna get yelled at.

The three of us
could be expelled.

- My father'll k*ll me.
- Expelled.

- You know what that would
be, Fonz? -Hey, hey, hey.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Freshmen, ugh...

They're not gonna expel you.

They might suspend you
for about a year.

Oh... oh, what a relief.

Fonz, we gotta do something.

All right, think a bit.

All right.

- All right, here's a plan.
- What?

Uh... if we can get
down to the first floor,

we could probably crawl out

a-a supply room window
or something.

- Couldn't we?
- Yeah, great!

Christy and I'll run down
and check it out!

Okay, hum!-

We don't have too much time
till bed check.

You're an absolute genius.

(Wry chuckle)

Takes me a while, but, uh...
I come through. (chuckles)

Einstein, huh?

Well, listen, tell me, Albert,

how do you figure
we're gonna get out that door,

down the stairs
and through the window

without getting nailed?

All right, all right,
just a second.

Albert's really cooking now.

(imitates dog barking)

Hey, Uh. try again.

Oh, Fonz, Fonz, these are nice.

Quality merchandise.

Here, you take first pick.

I want to tell you something--

the judge's decision is final,

'cause the Fonz

don't wear dresses.

Fonz, look, lo-lot-lots
of men wear dresses.

Well, they do.

Uh... Tony Curtis.

And Jack Lemmon.

Uncle Milty!

Davy Crockett
never wore a dress.

What's he got to do with it?

Everything-

When Davy Crockett
was trapped inside the Alamo,

he could've worn
a dress to escape,

but he didn't, oh, no.

Not the King of
the Wild Frontier.

He stuck it out

and so will the Fonz.

But Davy Crockett
d*ed at the Alamo.

Good point.

Give that nightie.

Just level with me, Rich.

- Am I little lopsided?
-(laughs)

No.

(laughing):
I... I can't wait...

I can't wait
to tell Ralph and Potsie

-that the Fonz...
- Hey!

I want to tell you something.

If you tell those two turnips,

if you tell anybody...

How can I be tough
wearing a nightie?

Yeah...

You don't have to worry, Fonz.

Your secret's safe with me.

(insistent knocking on door)

WOMAN:
Mrs. Dunbar! Bed check time!

(whispering):
Bed check, Fonz!

Will you calm down?

All right, look.

If we get past her,

we are home safe, all right?

- Right.
- Cool it.

(high-pitched):
Just one second, Mrs. Dunbar.

We're-we're not decent.

Oh! Oh...

- Very good idea, Fonz.
- Yeah, now what do we do?

Uh, hey. Get under the covers.

Yeah. That's my bed.

All right, it's yours.

I want to tell you something,
this is very exciting.

The lights, the lights!

Get the ligh... what is this?

(pounding on door)

MRS. DUNBAR:
What's going on in there?

(high-pitched): You can come
in now, Mrs. Dunbar.

Took so long I was
beginning to think

you might have a man in here.

(both squeal, shudder)

That ain't funny.

All righty, now, I understand
one of you girls is sick.

FONZIE:
Aaayh... (high-pitched squeal)

What's the big idea, Leona?

Trying to infect the whole dorm?

- Let's have a look-see.
- FONZIE: No, no!

GIRL: Come on, girls,
there's a panty raid!

-(girls screaming)
- Panty raid!

Don't panic, girls.

Sergeant Dunbar,
reporting for duty!

All right, just calm down.

Jllmp?
Jllmp!

Panty raid!

FONZIE:
Yeah.

You just don't
let 'em know it is us.

Hi, girls.

Been waiting for us, huh, girls?

Give us your underwear!

This is a panty raid!

FONZIE (high-pitched):
Oh, don't hurt us, you guys!

(shrieking)

Don't worry.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

We won't hurt you.

Okay, girls, where do you
keep your valuables?

FONZIE:
Oh!

Potsie, look at those girls.

Is this a dorm or a kennel?

You know, Ralph,

the one with
the freckles is cute.

But... but the other one
looks like Fonzie.

Potsie, look!

Boy, she could be
Fonzie's sister.

Look...

don't you mention
this to anybody,

or you'll never eat

solid food again, dig?

- Right.
- Uh-huh.

I'm just glad you guys

showed up, that's all.

Hey, it's Rich, too!

(Ralph laughs)

- Boy, did we pick
the wrong room. -Yeah.

All we're gonna come back with
is two pairs of jockey shorts.

All right, let's go.

- Out the window.
- Aw, come on, Fonz.

- Let us stay, please, come on.
- Wait, aw, come on, Fonz.

This is my first panty raid!

I been waiting for this moment
my whole life, Fonz.

Anything“ do.

A half slip,
a training bra, even.

All right,
you're breaking my heart.

Make it fast.

- Thanks, man.
- Aw, thanks, Fonz!

Aha!

I caught you red-handed,
you panty raiders!

- Duck, Malph!
- Oh, oh, ow!

- Ow!
- You animal!

All right,
out the window, Malph! Go!

- Out! Out! And don't try to...
- Yes, yes, we're going! I'm g...

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- DUNBAR: Okay, Red.

You... charge!

Run!

(grunting, thumping)

- Tomorrow night.
- Yeah!

Out! Out!

LORI BETH:
See you then!

MRS. DUNBAR:
All right.

Out...

you leather-jacketed hoodlum.

Now, is that any way
to talk, gorgeous?

Don't give me any
of your sweet talk, Slick.

I bid you all a fond adieu.

- Mother Dunbar?
- Mother Dunbar?

Come back, Slick.

Hey, Cunningham.

Oh, hi, Fonz.

So... how was, uh, Homecoming?

Oh, great.

Lori Beth thinks
I'm very mature for a freshman.

That's 'cause she never
saw you in a nightie.

Oh, right.

I'm starting to get the hang
of this-this college stuff.

I knew you would.

Well, here's the camera, Rich.

They're ready now.

More movies?

I'm getting out
of here real quick.

Hey, you know what
I think I'm gonna do?

I think I'm gonna
put my "liberry" card to use.

Whoa...

HOWARD: We're all set
whenever you are, Rich.

All right, uh...
lights, Joan, lights.

Okay.

Ready...

and... action!

Okay, good.

Oh, I got it, I got it.
Pick it up.

-(camera whirring)
-(no voices)

♪ These happy days are yours
and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby a'


♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
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