05x05 - My Cousin the Cheat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

(organ solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Happy and free I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! I

Happy Days is filmed in front
of a studio audience.

♪ Too late, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Too late,
ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Too bad, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Therefore, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Too late, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Too late,
ooh-ooh ♪

♪ That's me, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Bop! ♪

(humming to tune)

oh!
(laughs)

I was just dancing.

Yes, Officer?

I'm looking
for Arthur Fonzarelli.

Oh, Arthur, here you are.

Don't worry, Officer,
I got everything under control.

Are you Fonzarelli?

No, but it's a common mistake.

Trying some more
of your cute stuff, huh, kid?

Ah, he's a good boy, Officer.

Fonzarelli's in his office.

I'll go get him.

Aw, great!
He's the men's room attendant?

Are you kidding?
The men's room attendant?

Ha, yeah. You tell him that.

Hey, Fonzie,
there's a man out here for you.

FONZIE:
Al, I'm on the phone!

He's wearing a badge.

I'm off the phone!

I'm Fonzarelli. What's up?

(laughs)
He thought I was you.

Whoa!

I didn't do nothing!
I was framed, I tell you!

Badge, you talk.

- It was : in the afternoon.
- Yeah?

I spotted the subject
selling ties on the street.

Ugly ties.

And I think they're hot.

They're not hot,
just inexpensive.

Well, Why'd you bring him to me?
I don't wear ties.

Well, it's all here right here
on the school card.

We couldn't locate his mother.

His father's deceased.

And the school card listed you
as the next closest relative.

Now, let me get this straight.
You got a badge.

You got a kid selling ties.

Have you got a charge?

I'm a truant officer.

He's playing hooky.

Second time this week.

-(snaps fingers)
- Get over here.

What are you trying to do?

Worry your mother
to a frazzle, huh?

Now, I promise you,
the Fonz promises you,

he'll be at school tomorrow.

Or at least pieces of him
will be.

All right.

- I'll consider this case closed.
- Yeah.

Hey. kid?

Are you sure "stupido" means
"truant officer" in Italian?

Sure!

What else?

Well, I'm gonna look it up!

Well, see you, Officer.

I'll tell you,
that guy's got some nerve.

I was cleaning up
before he came along.

Button it up.

That's not the point, Chachi.

You should be in school!

RICHIE:
Fonz!

Hey, Fonz!

I got to tell you something.

You should've been

at the girl's
volleyball game today, Fonz.

One of the girls forgot
to wear her...

- Richie, this is not...
- And...

Chachi. Cut school.

Truant officer. Tell him.

Isn't he a little young to hear

about a girl
who forgot to wear her...

Not about a girl.

About school.

- Oh!
- Tell him.

Oh, cut school?

Oh, Chachi, you ought to know
better than that.

You just can't go around
cutting school.

- That's just not a nice...
- Uh, Cunningham, you don't have

to be polite;
he is a family disgrace.

You should be in school.

Tell him!

But I don't do good in school.

I hate it! It's boring!

I mean, who cares
about the Civil w*r?

We won.

Well, um, maybe
if you were doing better,

y-you'd like it more.

Aw, come on.

The only subject
I'm not behind in is lunch.

A-All right, all right, okay.

How about...
how about getting a tutor?

Cunningham,
we're talking school here,

not playing horns.

Oh, Fonz, remember when I...
when I helped you with school?

That's all a tutor is,
just a private instructor.

I knew that.

I just wanted you
to explain it to him.

How about that, huh?

Cunningham's gonna toot you.

Oh, me?

Fonz...

Well, you see,
I'm-I'm in college now.

I got a lot of reading to do,

and, you know,
term papers, and...

I've been seeing Laurie Beth.

You know, the cheerleader?

And you know how it is.

- Sis-boom-bah!
- Yeah.

I totally understand, you know?

Those sis-boom-bahs
can tire you right out.

- Yeah.
- Especially those boom-bahs.

CHACHI:
I don't want a tutor anyway.

Forget school.

I'm making bucks a week.

Chicken feed.

Well, it's more than those nerds
at school make.

No. no. no, no.

Uh, statistics show
that high school graduates

earn more per capita
than high school dropouts.

And then if you become
a college graduate,

why, the difference is
just drastically...

Uh, Cunningham,
Cunningham, Cunningham?

You see how smart
school can make you?

Just make it more interesting
next time, will you?

Yeah, but school's a drag.

Hey, let me tell you something.
You trust me.

School is cool.

If you say so.

I say so.

Now, what are we gonna do
about this tutoring jazz?

Well, what about Joanie?

- I think it might be good.
- Huh?

Because she's closer
to his grade anyway.

I'm liking it better already.

(chuckles)

Me and Blue Eyes? Wah-wah-wah.

Well, I got to go, Fonz.

I got a lot more ties to sell.

Yeah, Fonz?

School is your business now.

Oh, Fonz, I can't.

I need the loot.

I got to help out at home.

All right, here's the plan.

You do good in school,
you show me good grades,

I'll give you a part-time job
with me at the garage.

- You mean it?
- Hey, I'm a man of my word.

Boy, working side by side
with you, Fonz.

You got a deal.

All right.

- Hey, thanks, Richie.
- Oh, it's all right.

Now, what do you think
Joanie's gonna want

for helping him at school?

Oh, just some pocket money.

Yeah.

A whip and a chair.

(both laugh)

CHACHI: Hey, the tie looks
great on you, Mr. C.

Yeah, it's my favorite color.

Well...

I'm ready.

Hi-ya, Blue Eyes.

Wah-wah-wah.

Oh, and if he starts with that,
I want time and a half.

No, no, a deal's a deal.

Come on, Howard,
let's leave them alone to study.

I am not going
to leave Wah-Wah-Wah

and Blue Eyes alone.

Richard?

Aw, Dad, I can't.

I... I'm going with Laurie Beth.
I promised her.

We're gonna go out and take
a little moonlight stroll.

Do it in the morning.

Aw, you're a real
joker, Dad. He's...

All right, Chachi,
let's get started.

I teach, you learn.

Dad, please.

All right, Joanie,
I can see you're in charge.

But I'll be at the top of the
stairs listening for your call.

A simple "help" will do.

All right,
you're behind at school,

but that doesn't mean
you can't make it up.

The secret is just keep
your mind on your work.

Right.

You want to dance first

or go right on
to the heavy stuff?

You want a broken nose first
or go right on to the hospital?

You got spirit.

I love older women.

Let's run away together.

How far can we run?

You got to be in by : .

Now, we either begin to study
or I will call my father.

And then I'll call Fonzie.

- Oh, right, uh...
- Yeah.

I have a test tomorrow, and
here are some sample questions.

MARION:
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

But before you start,
could you come up and help me?

I'm trying to fix
the hem on a dress,

and your father is too short.

And... he's also, you know,
a little bit...

JOAN I E:
Fat.

(shushes)
Come on.

Okay, you look over
your homework,

and I'll be right back.

Why don't you, uh, slip into
something more comfortable?

Hello, Tony?

Yeah, Chachi.

Hey, you know
that test you swiped?

Well, I'm gonna get
the answers right now.

Hey, Fonz! Fonz!

I did it!

How dare you?

Would you walk into a...

into an operating room
like that?

Oh, but, Fonz, I got a hundred.

How'd you sell that many ties?

What'd you do, sell them
to a marching band?

Not ties,
I got a hundred on my test.

A perfect score.

Are you snowing me?

No.

Hey, your Fonzarelli blood

finally made it
up to your brain, huh?

I'm proud of you,
I'm proud of you.

All right, Chachi, all right.

You got a job.

♪ Dun-da-dun-dun-da-da! ♪

I want you to have this.

An old mechanic's hat?

Don't you make fun
of a historical monument.

This is my first hat.

Oh, your first hat?

Can I keep it?

- Yea h .
- Wow.

Boys gave it to me
when I souped up my first car.

What was I?
I was, uh, seven and a half.

(chuckles)

Well, I got to take a look-see.

Hey, I bet you Joanie will
dig a man in uniform.

I tell you something,
I am very proud of that guy.

Now I know
how Eisenhower's mother felt.

You know what I mean?
(laughs)

Hi, Fonz.

Well, the Cunningham offspring.

Oh, that lousy Mr. Wah-Wah-Wah!

All right, calm down, Joanie.

- That little cheat stole a test!
- Calm down.

That rat fink tricked me
into giving him the answers!

I'll give him cheat!

Will you calm down?!

No, you calm down, Red.

Now, what is the skinny here?

- Well, it's what she said.
- JOANIE: Yeah.

And he's been suspended
for two weeks.

A suspended head in my hat?

Pretty good, huh?

Hi-ya, Blue Eyes.

How do you like it?

Wah-wah-wah!

Is it on crooked?

It isn't the hat
that's crooked, buddy!

What'd he mean by that?

They mean that you're crooked.

That hundred?
You cheated, didn't you?

So?

So?! My cousin don't cheat!

What do you got to say
besides "so"?!

- What do I got to say?
- Yeah.

I'll tell you what.

I don't need your stinking job!

I've been doing
all right without it!

Without you, without school,
without anybody!

And I'll tell you
something else, Fonzarelli.

I don't need your stupid cap!

"Stupid can"?

"Stupid cap"?!

It's a very good thing
that I don't got a bad temper.

♪ La, la, la, la,
la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la. ♪

And Chachi
almost got me suspended

because they thought
I was an accomplice.

Well, Arthur will have
a little talk with Chachi.

Well, that's the problem.

Fonzi refuses to talk to Chachi.

Well, speaking as an adult,
in most circumstances,

a child feels a lot better
when he's talked to.

Talk? You always yell at me!

That makes me feel better.

Parents!

I'm going to Jenny Pint-Mo's
to see the sf ides

of her vacation at Sunny Slopes.

Sunny Slopes?
That's a nudist colony!

Joanie!

Feel better, Dad?
(chuckles)

Howard, here.

Hey, evening, Cunningham family.

Look, I just found your paper
on my doorstep again.

Your newsboy's got a great arm.

Why aren't you talking?

I thought I did.

- To Chachi.
- No!

Oh, now you're angry.
I understand.

I'm not angry.

I don't talk to short people
that tell me to get lost.

Fonzie, Chachi has a problem.

Now, you can't ignore him.

Look, Mr. C,
I gave that boy a plan,

he threw it back in my face.

He's on his own.

He's just a little boy!

Well, so was I when I got caught
on the swings in kindergarten.

The teacher said,
"You got yourself up there,

you get yourself down."

So what'd you do then?

I climbed down,
I chased her up there!

Well, good for you.

Marion, that is not
the problem here.

You're absolutely right.
You're absolutely right, Mr. C.

It's not the problem.
It's Chachi's.

It's up to him.

Boy, just like a parent.

I'm not the kid's parent, Red.

Fonzie...

Stay with me, will you, Marion?

Now, look, the boy
doesn't have a father.

He needs someone he can
look up to, a-a male figure.

He does look up to you
like a father, Fonz.

A lot of people do.

Do you have any idea
how many times

I tried to tell him
to get lost?

You did?

Well, not in so many words.

But, see, the important thing
is that he never did.

I always knew he'd be there.

FONZIE:
The subject is close-amundo!

Now, look, I really appreciate
what you're all trying to do,

but there's the Fonzarelli code
that says,

"if someone slams a door
in your face..." Huh?

"...you don't ring the doorbell

so they can slam it back
in your face again!" Whoa!

Well, he certainly made
his position very clear.

Oh, Howard, what am I gonna
do with this?

Knit on it, Marion.

(slurping)

II

- Hi, Al.
- Hi, Rich.

How many has he had?

He's been here
since this morning.

Hey, Al, hurry up
with my drink.

Oh, and bring one
for my friend here.

See that? Try to talk some sense
into him, will you?

Chachi.

Look, I-l know you're...

you're busted up
over this Fonzie thing, but...

What Fonzie thing?

There's this chick,
you know what I mean?

Oh, it's-it's a girl, huh?

Yeah, Boom Boom Lame.

Huh, Boom Boom.

She dumped you?

Yeah, yeah.
She ran off with a TV star.

I think it was Snooky Lanson.

I'll get over it.

Yeah.

Well, uh...
you want to tell me about it?

Hey, listen, Cunningham,

don't try any of this
child psychologyjunk on me.

All right, all right,
you're right.

We don't need those games...
do we, pal?

Think I'm dumb enough
for that old buddy routine?

Ha.

Routine?!

Let me tell you something,
squirt!

I've had enough of this stuff!
And let me tell you...!

And don't try
the anger bit, either.

I'm hip to that one, too.

All right.

All right,
I got one last routine left.

- Oh, yeah? What's that? -Yeah,
it's a totally new approach.

What's that?

Truth, honesty.

That's a new one.

Well, it's not new,
but it's the best.

Look, I know it's tough
getting kicked out of school.

School isn't important.

Mr. Super Cool dropped out.

Oh, true, true.

But Fonzie
was cool enough to know

that he wanted to go back
and finish later.

- And you know why?
- Because he wanted to.

Well, that's what
he tells everybody,

but that's not the real reason.

- It isn't?
- No.

No, it was pride.

Fonzie couldn't stand
being a quitter.

He had to prove something.

He had to prove that he could
finish anything that he started.

I can do that.

- Sure you can.
- But I don't want to.

I mean, I'm not gonna go
crawling back

and apologize
to some principal.

- Well, you don't have to crawl.
- Forget it!

It's the code.

Fonzie says, "You made
your bed bad, you get wrinkled."

All right,
keep your stupid codes,

because I've had it.

Hey, Richie, wait.

♪ First star I see ♪

♪ Won't you bring
my baby to me... ♪

What do I do?

All right.

Well, you're a...
you're a salesman, aren't you?

The best.

All right, all right.

You go find that principal,
and you sell yourself.

Hey, yeah.

If I can sell those stupid ties,

why can't I sell
a terrific product-- me?

That's right.
Okay, in the meantime,

I'll go talk to Fonzie, see what
I can do about your job.

Is that fair enough?

Fair enough.

Oh, and, uh, I'll tell you
what I'll do, Cunningham.

I'll even take back
your old man's tie.

(chuckles) Well, you don't have
to go that far.

Oh, uh, no, thanks, Al.
I don't need it now.

See you, Rich. Thanks.

See you, Chach.

Oh, boy. (chuckles)

So, he thinks
he's got problems, huh?

Yeah.

Ever tell you
about Rosa Coletti?

Yeah.

I first met Rosa in ' .

No, no, it was .

She was a tiny girl.

Shiny black hair...

(engine revving)

Fonz?

Fonz?!

Fonz, would you cut the noise?!

Noise?

You calling this noise?

This symphony of pistons?

(hums Beethoven's
No. Symphony)

No, it's-it's real nice, Fonz.

Look, I-l got somebody
waiting outside,

and, uh, well, he'd like to try
and get a job here.

Hey, I don't need any help.
You think Beethoven needed help?

Well, maybe I could just
bring him in,

and-and you could give him
an interview or something, okay?

What's his name, Cunningham?

Charles Arcola.

Chachi?

In your own words, Richard,
"Ha-ha-ha."

It didn't work.
I've got no openings.

I'm sorry. I can't use him.

- Hey, Fonz.
- Yeah?

How come you didn't just,
uh, send this heap

over to the-the wrecking yard?

I didn'tjunk it
for two reasons:

one, the pay might make
tune-up history, (chuckles)

and two, it was a challenge.

I climbed the peak in Motorland.

I think most guys would have
just left it to rot.

Most guys would have had to.

Right.

Don't you think Chachi deserves
the same kind of consideration?

Richie, this is a car.

It needs a new starter,
pistons, brakes, transmission,

a little time,
a little attention.

"Little time, little attention."

I get your drift,
but it didn't work.

Your trick didn't work.

Bring him in, anyway.

Oh, oh, great.
All right, thanks, Fonz.

Just a second.

Chachi! Hey, Chachi,
come on, come on!

Hurry, hurry!

Chachi, Fonz...

why don't you two just, uh,
have a little chat, okay?

Just converse a little bit,
all right?

Hi.

Nice weather we're having.

It'll do.

Well?

I'm looking for a job.

You ever work in
a garage before, Mr. Arcola?

Briefly.

Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. Arcola.

You work in this garage,

every employee has
certain requirements to fill.

Like what?

Like what? Like number one:

employee must be in school.
No kick-outs.

I am in school.

You ain't
for the next two weeks.

I'm back in school now!

- Don't you yell at me.
- Sorry.

I had a little talk
with the principal.

He let me back in on trial.

I sold myself.

How many ties went with you?

Oh, lots. I had a one-cent sale.

He couldn't resist them.

(laughs)

Requirement number two:

employee must apologize
to former employer

for getting uppity.

Uppity?

That's right, uppity.

All right, uppity.

Tell my former employer
I'm sorry I got uppity

and it won't happen
no more, okay?

- Okay.
- Do I get the job?

I don't know.

Now, look, Chach, I don't think
it's gonna work out, you know?

You remind me too much
of myself when I was your age.

On the other hand, look at me.

I turned out perfect-amundo.

Hmm.

All right, we'll give it
one more sh*t.

Ah, that's great, Fonz!

That's great! Thanks!

What do you want me to do?

I want you to clean my office.

Clean the office. Oh, sure.

First thing in the morning.

But first I want to go see
Cindy Turtleback.

Wah-wah-wah.

(Snaps fingers)

Yeah, Fonz?

There's a time for work
and a time for wah-wah.

And with work,
comes responsibility.

You get my drift?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

- Don't guess.
- You're right.

That's right.

I want you to put this
in your back pocket.

Look like a mechanic.

Thanks, Fonz.

- Mm-hmm.
- Clean the office.

That's right.

I'll start with the calendar.

I can't wait to do
Miss Carburetor.

Keep your eyes off
that calendar!

♪ La, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la, la. ♪

So, how'd you do
on the chemistry test, Rich?

- Got a B-plus.
- Figures.

How'd you do, Potsie?

The guy's got it in for me.

The guy's got it in for you?
(chuckles)

Potsie, you blew up
the man's lab.

It was only half a table.

Besides, his eyebrows
will grow back.

Come on, Malph. We got to go
pick up those blind dates.

Oh, yeah.
Pots, wear your tie.

I told the girls
we were roving ambassadors.

- What country's Roving?
- No.

Fun-loving guys.

Yeah, they're nice.
(chuckles)

(sighs):
Ah, Richie...

Ever tell you about
Rosa Coletti?

Yeah.

I first met Rosa in ' .

Or was it ' ?

' , Al.

That's right.
I'll never forget her.

Neither will I.

She was a-a tiny girl.

BOTH:
Shiny black hair...

big brown eyes...

red lips...

(both sigh)

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! I

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪