You're on a desert island.
You can bring five books.
Which five do you take?
I gotta read five books?
All right, one.
Come on.
I got it. Three Musketeers.
- You've read that?
- No, I'm saving it for the island.
All right, let's start
this whole thing over.
Best Chamberlain:
Wilt, Richard, or Neville?
For the desert island?
- Okay.
- Richard.
You know, he was in
The Three Musketeers.
Exactly. Save me having
to read the book.
What's going on over there?
I don't know. I gotta see somebody.
So, Marcy, you should have
seen me in the hot tub today.
- Why?
- I was naked.
- Oh, George.
- I saw it.
- How'd he look?
- Okay. I wouldn't see it again.
A friend of mine thought she got
Legionnaires' disease in a hot tub.
Really, what happened?
Yada, yada, yada.
Just some bad egg salad.
I'll be right back.
- Nice girl.
- Lovely.
I notice she's big on
the phrase, "Yada, yada."
- Is "yada yada" bad?
- No, "yada yada"'s good.
- She's very succinct.
- She is succinct.
Yeah, it's like
you're dating USA Today.
- Hey.
- Hey, Tim.
- George, you know Tim Whatley.
- Yeah, dentist to the stars.
- What's up?
- I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.
- Excuse me?
- I'm a Jew.
I finished converting two days ago.
Oh, well, welcome aboard.
- Thanks. So I'll see you tomorrow?
- Yeah, I have a cavity, lower left.
- Were you just at the health club?
- Oh, yeah.
- We must have just missed you.
- I didn't do much.
I just sat in the sauna.
You know, it was more like
a Jewish workout.
I'll see you.
Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days.
He's already making Jewish jokes.
So what? When someone turns 21,
they usually get drunk the first night.
Booze is not a religion.
Tell that to my father.
Anyway, guess what.
Beth Lookner called me.
Beth Lookner. I'm still
waiting out that marriage.
What are you talking about?
That marriage ended six months ago.
She's already remarried.
Where was I?
It was when you were engaged.
Oh, I gotta get on that Internet.
I'm late on everything.
Anyway, so Beth
and her new husband, Arnie...
have listed me as a reference
for an adoption agency.
They're trying to get a baby.
Oh, God, a baby. That can
add two years to a marriage.
Hey. Elaine, all right.
Who looks better
in this shirt, me or Mickey?
We're double-dating tonight.
If we wear the same shirt,
we'll look like idiots.
Turn around.
Well, you're both so striking.
Yeah, tell me about it.
We just picked up two women
at The Gap.
How did you decide which one
of you would date which girl?
So I'm on Third Avenue, minding my
own business and yada, yada, yada.
I get a free massage and a facial.
What a succinct story.
So I'm surprised
you drive a Cadillac.
Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.
Are you close with your parents?
Well, they gave birth to me
and yada, yada.
Yada what?
Yada, yada, yada.
It's a nice place.
Really nice.
- I like your shirt.
- Oh, thank you.
It's a hundred percent cotton.
And some wool.
Well, you two seem
to have the same taste.
- Well, I like it too.
- Oh, well, I have the same shirt.
Yeah, well, I'm wearing it.
Well, I like your shirt too.
Well, so do I.
Did I mention I'm a serious actor?
- Really?
- I enjoy polo.
I like the beach.
My aunt has been ill of late.
I own a tuxedo.
Anything to drink?
Some wine perhaps?
- I like merlot.
- I love merlot.
- I'm crazy about merlot.
- I live for merlot.
We're out of merlot.
We'll clear out for your interview.
- Okay.
- Make us sound good.
- Oh, come on.
- Bye.
- Bye, Beth. Bye, Arnie.
- Bye.
Nice people.
So you know Beth and Arnie
pretty well?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Do you socialize with them often?
Yeah, yeah,
we go out to dinner a lot...
usually Chinese.
Well, sometimes Thai.
And we go to the movies.
Arnie's a real film buff.
Actually, I remember this one time.
This is funny.
We went to see
the movie Striptease.
I don't know if you've seen it.
It doesn't matter. Anyway.
And it was during
the opening credits...
it was before
the movie even started.
And I was whispering
something to Beth...
and Arnie leans over to me
and he goes, "Would you shut up?"
I mean, he barely even knew me.
Where did he get off...?
But they're great people.
You're in here.
- What are you doing here?
- I knew you had an appointment.
Well, this is very awkward.
I'll leave when the guy comes in.
Hey, I gotta tell you.
I am loving this yada yada thing.
You know, I can gloss over
my whole life story.
- Look at that.
- Hey, don't play with that.
That's going in my mouth.
- What is this thing?
- All right. That's enough.
- Just get going. Get out of here.
- All right.
- Hey, Tim. Quick question.
- Hey.
Is it normal for your
teeth to make noises...
Iike a hissing or a chirping?
George.
Fine, I'll make an appointment.
All right. It is cavity time.
Here we go.
Reminds me,
you hear the one about the rabbi...
and the farmer's daughter, huh?
"Those aren't matzo balls."
- What?
- Tim, do you think you should be...
making jokes like that?
Why not? I'm Jewish. Remember?
- I know, but...
- Jerry, it's our sense of humor...
that sustained us
as a people for 3000 years.
- Five thousand.
- Five thousand, even better.
Okay. Chrissy...
give me a shtickl of fluoride.
And then he asked the assistant
for a shtickl of fluoride.
Why are you so
concerned about this?
I'll tell you why.
Because I believe Whatley converted
to Judaism just for the jokes.
- Hello.
- Would you be interested...
in a subscription
to the New York Times?
Yes.
- Well, I don't believe that.
- If you'd got in the back seat...
we could've figured this out.
Well, why were you holding
the door open for?
Not for you. Who holds
a door open for a man?
Well, I thought it was a nice gesture,
but I guess I was wrong.
Let's just put their names in a hat.
I don't even know their names.
Look, why don't you take
the one on the left?
- I'm not sure she's my type.
- Oh, everybody's your type.
What the hell does that mean?
- You've been married three times.
- That's it. It's go time.
- All right. Take it easy. Easy, easy.
- Hey, hey, hey!
No, come on, let him go.
You wanna throw? Let's throw!
Hey, hey! Hold on a second.
All right, look. I got an idea.
Why don't you just
show up early for your next date...
sit across from each other
and see who the girls sit next to.
- That's not bad.
- All right. So we let the girls decide.
Yeah, why should we
knock ourselves out?
- I wanna wear that shirt next time.
- No one wears the shirt next time.
- Right, because they already saw it.
- We'll look like idiots.
Well, we.... We were engaged
to be married.
We bought
the wedding invitations and...
yada, yada, yada. I'm still single.
So, what's she doing now?
Yada.
- I get it.
- I love talking to you.
Me too. So speaking of exes...
my old boyfriend
came over late last night...
and yada, yada, yada.
Anyway, I'm really tired today.
Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up?
Well, our adoption
application was denied.
- Really?
- The adoption agent seems to feel...
that Arnie has a violent temper.
So we're just asking our friends...
what they may have said
to the adoption agent.
Well, I....
You know, I just told them
what kind people you are...
and how Arnie's a big movie buff...
and yada, yada, yada. That is it.
How you doing?
I have some discomfort in my molar.
You like Tootsie Rolls, don't you?
Father Curtis,
why don't you come in?
Father Curtis, good guy.
Oh, which reminds me.
Did you hear the one about the pope
and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat?
I'll tell you later.
Whatley.
What are they doing here?
Told you we should've
gotten here early.
All right. Okay, now what are
we going to do?
All right. Don't panic.
Let's just decide now.
Which one do you want?
- I'll take Julie.
- I knew you wanted her.
- That's who I wanted.
- All right. I'll take Karen.
No, you think I'm falling for that?
I'll take Karen.
Fine. I'll take Julie.
All right. Which one is Julie?
I don't know.
- Why don't we just grab a chair?
- You first.
No, you first.
- How you doing?
- Good evening.
Stop.
Well, you ladies look lovely tonight.
So Whatley says to me,
"Hey, I can make Catholic jokes.
I used to be Catholic."
Now, see, I don't think
it is a Catholic joke.
I think it's more
of a Raquel Welch joke.
What was it?
"No, I said, 'Hand me the buoys."'
"Buoys."
Don't you see
what Whatley is after?
Total joke-telling immunity.
He's already got
the big two religions covered.
If he ever gets Polish citizenship,
there'll be no stopping him.
So, what are you going to do?
I think this Father Curtis
might be very interested to hear...
what Whatley has
the pope doing with Raquel Welch.
Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine.
Thought you guys might wanna
have lunch. Give me a call. Bye.
They're not getting a baby,
so you're taking them to lunch.
I thought it would be nice.
- Poor Beth.
- Hey, Arnie's just as upset.
Oh, screw him.
Listen to this.
Marcy comes over, tells me her
ex-boyfriend was over late last night...
and "Yada, yada, yada,
I'm really tired today."
- What do you think she's tired from?
- Well, obviously the yada yada.
You don't think
she'd yada yada sex?
I've yada yada-ed sex.
- Really?
- Yeah. I met this lawyer.
We went out to dinner.
I had the lobster bisque.
We went back to my place.
Yada, yada, yada...
I never heard from him again.
But you yada yada-ed
over the best part.
No, I mentioned the bisque.
Well, I gotta do something.
Well, I gotta do something.
George is already in there.
No, Mickey and I.
We can't work it out.
You know, I'm thinking of asking that
Karen out by myself. She's the one.
You were leaning towards Julie.
Well, I was. But the one I thought
was Julie turned out to be Karen.
Well, it was a hell of a yada yada.
He's moving to Seattle.
He wanted to say goodbye.
I was just getting out of the shower
and yada, yada, yada...
All right. Enough. Enough.
From now on, no more yada yadas.
Just give me the full story.
Okay. Well...
when I got out of the shower,
I was dripping...
Not that story. Another story.
Tell me about the free facial.
Okay, well, like I said,
I was on Third Avenue...
and I stopped by
a large department store.
- Which one?
- Bloomingdale's.
Very good. Go on.
- And... Oh, I stole a Piaget watch.
- What's that?
And then I was on such a high...
that I went upstairs
to the salon on the fifth floor...
and got a massage and a
facial and skipped out on the bill.
Shoplifting.
Well, what about you?
You told me that you were engaged.
What was the rest of that?
Excuse me, Mother?
- Sister.
- Sister. Right.
Do you know when
Father Curtis has office hours?
Well, not until tomorrow.
I really need to speak with him.
You know, that's a kneeler.
Tell me your sins, my son.
Well, I should mention
that I'm Jewish.
- Oh, that's no sin.
- Oh, good.
Anyway, I wanted to talk
to you about Dr. Whatley.
I have a suspicion...
that he's converted
to Judaism purely for the jokes.
And this offends you
as a Jewish person?
No, it offends me as a comedian.
And it'll interest you to know
that he's also telling Catholic jokes.
- Well...
- And, I mean, they're old jokes.
I mean, the pope and
Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
I haven't heard that one.
Oh, I'm sure you have.
They're out on the ocean...
and yada, yada, yada and she...
And she says, "Those aren't buoys."
- Father.
- One second.
Well, if it would make you feel
better, I could speak to Dr. Whatley.
I have to go back and have
a wisdom tooth removed.
Good luck.
You know the difference...
between a dentist
and a sadist, don't you?
Newer magazines.
That's funny.
Now if you would excuse me.
Jerry, I gotta talk to you.
- Hi.
- Hi, Kramer.
Got a minute?
Actually, my parents are over,
but would you like to meet them?
- Yeah.
- Mom, Dad.
Hi.
Elaine, I have to ask you
about something.
- What?
- The yada yada.
- Yada yada?
- What exactly happened down there?
Well, I don't know.
I mean, I talked to him...
and blah, blah, blah.
He asked about you guys and:
More questions. Blah, blah, blah.
All right. Shut up.
Shut up? Again you are telling
me to shut up?
- What?
- You yelled at me...
that time at the movies.
That's why you're not
getting the baby.
And you told that
to the adoption guy?
- Slipped out.
- Oh, God.
What am I gonna tell Beth?
Well, Arnie, look, I'll go down
and talk to this adoption guy...
and make sure
it all gets straightened out.
- Just don't screw it up this time!
- See, again you're yelling.
Not a fan of the yelling.
Are you about done?
Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.
Because I'm just a sadist
with newer magazines.
Father Curtis told me your little joke.
I really didn't appreciate it.
Well, what about
all your Jewish jokes?
I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist.
You have no idea what my people
have been through.
- The Jews?
- No, the dentists.
You know, we have the highest
su1c1de rate of any profession.
Is that why it's so hard
to get an appointment?
So I'll.... I'll see you
tonight, huh? Okay.
- Date with Karen?
- No, Julie.
- She's the one.
- What happened to Karen?
Well, Mickey and her have more in
common. Her parents are little people.
Oh, small world.
So little people can have
"non-little-people" children?
Oh, yeah, and vice versa.
Yeah, Mother Nature's
a mad scientist, Jerry.
So you won't believe
what happened with Whatley.
It got back to him that I made this little
dentist joke and he got all offended.
Those people can be so touchy.
- "Those people." Listen to yourself.
- What?
You think that dentists are
so different from me and you?
They came to this country just like
everybody else in search of a dream.
- Whatley's from Jersey.
- Yes, and now...
he's a full-fledged American.
Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
I am not an anti-dentite.
You're a rabid anti-dentite.
Oh, it starts with a few jokes
and some slurs:
"Hey, denty."
Next thing you know, you're saying
they should have their own schools.
- They do have their own schools.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Oh, come on. One little baby,
whatever you have in stock.
- Miss Benes, please.
- Lookit, lookit, Brian.
These people are getting
a baby, period.
Now, we can do this the easy way...
or we can do this...
the fun way.
I'm sorry to bother you.
But you always said...
- you'd be there for me.
- What's wrong?
- I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.
- Talk to me.
He met with Elaine,
and I asked him what happened.
And he yada yada-ed me.
Could they be having an affair?
I wouldn't put
anything past anybody.
But we just got married.
Well, obviously, that was a mistake.
You need to forget about Arnie. The
important thing is you're moving on.
Why would Elaine do that to me?
Forget about Elaine.
Let's just focus on us.
- Come on, big hug.
- Hey, Jerry.
Where's Kramer?
I've got exciting news.
- I'm in the middle of something.
- Karen and I are getting married.
Oh, congratulations.
Her marriage just fell apart.
- How many is that for you?
- Two.
You're a lightweight.
Come on, honey.
This church give you any ideas?
- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey.
What are you doing here with Beth?
Beth and Arnie broke up.
So they don't want a baby?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Hey, where's Marcy?
She went shopping
for some shoes for the wedding...
and yada, yada, yada,
I'll see her in six to eight months.
- Hey, Kramer, over here.
- I'd just as soon not sit next to you.
Kramer.
- Look, there's Mickey and his parents.
- Oh, a nice-looking family.
Very handsome.
How you doing?
Hey, Kramer.
You must be so proud.
We never thought he'd settle down.
Well, not again.
Oh, Mickey. Excuse me.
I can't take this.
Hi, Mr. Abbott.
That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S.
Tim Whatley was
one of my students.
And if this wasn't
my son's wedding day...
I'd knock your teeth out,
you anti-dentite bastard.
What was that all about?
Oh, I said something about dentists,
and it got blown all out of proportion.
Hey, what do you call a doctor
who fails out of med school?
- What?
- A dentist.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah.
- Dentists.
- Yeah, who needs them?
Not to mention
the blacks and the Jews.
- Where's Beth?
- She ran out to get her head shaved.
We are gathered here today
to unite this couple...
in the bonds of holy matrimony.
Those wisdom teeth
are tough to get out.
Marriage is not an institution
to be entered into lightly.
Yada, yada, yada.
I pronounce you man and wife.
I really wanted you.