I came here on business, Alecto.
I know, Xena.
You're obsessed with her.
Call it what you will.
I think I've made an
excellent case against her.
I want a judgment, now!
Furies! Ares, God of w*r,
has need of our judgment.
You've all heard his complaint
against the Warrior Princess.
How do you judge?
It's unanimous.
The Furies have found Xena
guilty, of all charges.
The sentence?
What will it be?
Persecution or madness?
How about,
persecution and madness?
It's, highly unusual to do both.
I'll be most appreciative.
It shall be done.
Hear me, gods and goddesses.
Xena, Warrior Princess,
has committed a terrible crime.
She will be punished
by persecution, and madness.
Cool.
Ah, you're afraid.
Yeah, I'm terrified.
I just don't gamble.
You don't gamble?
Xena, who are we kidding here?
Every day of your life
is a roll of the dice.
Well, what would we bet?
If I win, you have to cook breakfast
for me tomorrow morning.
You call that winning?
Good point.
If I win, you have to collect
all the firewood for one week.
And if I win,
you have to make those little
dumplings with the red stuff inside.
Oh, please.
OK.
Yeah.
All right, to that cypress.
Wait. How big a lead did you say?
Three strides. One, two, three.
OK. On your mark, get set !
Go.
I win!
That is cheating.
OK, cheating's an overstatement.
Hey, boys, out for a morning hunt?
Yeah, and you're the quarry, Xena.
And why is that?
Well, there's a bounty on your
head, and we, plan to collect it.
You know, fellas, there are
less painful ways
of making a dinar, but,
um, if you insist.
Oh, demons of the soul,
over Xena's reason roll.
Replace the sweet illusion
with the poison of delusion.
To Xena's head do not be kind,
for it's your job to
make her lose her mind.
Xena.
I didn't mean to do that.
Here. All right. OK.
I love the smell of warrior
sweat in the morning.
In a time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
She was Xena...
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
...The power...
...The passion...
...The danger...
Her courage will
change the world...
[font color="#d "]The Furies[/font]
Go!
This thing is great!
And to think I've only been using
it all these years as a w*apon!
Xena, you're acting really strange.
Don't be ridiculous, Mavis.
Alley-oop, Argo!
Hey, I like this.
I can see where I've been!
Xena, now, that,
that warrior said that
there's a bounty on your head.
Don't you wanna know
what that's about?
Love to.
But I don't think he's
gonna tell me anything.
Why don't you put
the pinch on him?
I've cut off the flow
of blood to your
brain and other
pertinent body parts.
So, tell me-, how old were
you when you lost your virginity?
Xena.
Shut up, Mavis, this is important.
Fourteen.
Come on.
OK, OK, nineteen, nineteen.
See, Mavis, all you have
to do is act nicely.
Quick! Tell us who put
the bounty on Xena's head.
- The priest.
- What priest?
The temple of the Furies.
The Furies?
All right, all right.
Here's one for you.
What is the capital of Assyria?
Xena, take the pinch
off him, now!
Well, all right, but I think
there's still more
he could tell us.
Where are you going?
To get something to eat.
I'm starved.
What about the Furies?
They can get their own.
Xena, I think something
terrible has happened to you.
You're not thinking clearly.
Well, you know how I am
when I miss breakfast.
No. Look. I think the Furies
are punishing you for something.
Legend has it they punish
with persecution,
which explains the bounty,
and the madness.
- Madness?
- Yes.
I've never felt better!
Let's go to the temple of the Furies
and find out what's going on.
No.
Please, Xena.
Will you do it for me?
Please?
OK.
Go, horsey!
There are many crimes which
the Furies punish with madness.
Why are you telling me this?
I'm not crazy.
What do you think?
I think we have a serious
problem, here, Xena.
I could lose the daisies.
It's not your look
that I'm talking about.
It's what's going
on inside your head.
You don't wanna go
there it's terrifying.
Doesn't that concern you?
What do you think? It's too leafy?
I think I'm gonna get some sleep.
Xena.
Look at you the guilt the shame.
It's stamped on your faces,
clear as mud.
And I won't let you
get away with it.
I'm here to avenge
your heinous crimes.
I've come to take retribution!
Xena?
I've come to take
retribution in flames!
What are you doing?
Delivering the wrath of justice.
These people are evil incarnate.
They must burn.
Xena, what have they done?
What have they done?
Look, can't you see the
women and children?!
They've crucified the
women and children!
Xena, Xena, the only people
here are women and children.
Xena, they're afraid of you.
Give me the torch.
I'm in trouble,
aren't I, Gabrielle?
No, we'll get through this.
Xena, we have to get to
the temple of the Furies.
The Furies, right.
I'm sorry.
Xena, pull yourself together.
- Pull my finger.
- Who's there?
Ah, the Warrior Princess.
You've heard about
the bounty, I take it.
The price on my head? Oh, yes.
Well, if it's my head
you want, then take it,
cause frankly,
it's driving me crazy!
What's going on with my friend?
The Furies have punished her with
both persecution and madness.
They must be appalled by her crime.
What is it?
A breach of duty that
the Furies are bound to punish.
So, what does she have to do?
Avenge the m*rder of
a member of her family.
Anyone who says that
I didn't avenge
the m*rder of my
brother is a liar.
Xena!
His k*ller d*ed at my hands.
Not your brother.
Who, then?
Your father.
My, father?
Yes, he was m*rder*d.
By who?
That I don't know.
Xena's punishment will continue
until this crime is avenged.
Xena, do you wanna sit down?
Xena! Wait! Come back!
Bacchus.
Bacchus.
No! It's me! It's, it's me.
It's Gabrielle.
- To the gods.
- Now, put that down.
- Xena! Look.
- To the gods.
Listen to me.
- We're worthless insects.
- Xena, I'm gonna help you.
I'll help you if you let me.
I can help, Xena, listen!
Xena, we have to find out
who m*rder*d your father!
Xena, if we can
bring him to justice,
we can satisfy
the Furies, Xena.
This is what happened to Orestes!
Xena, he didn't avenge
his father either!
You know, to the gods
we are nothing but dirty little
beetles and they'll
k*ll us for their sport.
Well, I'm sorry, Gabrielle;
you can't come with me but
I can't be trusted, you know?
Would you behave yourself!
I'm rather ashamed of you.
You behave, or you
don't get to come with us.
She's coming right at us.
Come on, guys.
She's a babbling idiot.
She doesn't even know we're here.
- Xena.
- Oh, she looks so strange.
What's wrong with her?
Xena.
What happened?
Cyrene.
She's been driven mad,
by the Furies.
She was able to tell you that?
No, she's incoherent.
But ever since I heard what
the Furies did to Orestes,
I've been hoping against
hope this day'd never arrive.
So, you know what
happened to her father.
He was m*rder*d.
Cyrene, do you know who did it?
Cyrene?
Yes.
We have to know.
Maybe, then, we can
bring the m*rder*r
to justice and
satisfy the Furies.
Gabrielle,
do you think that Xena,
even in this state,
could k*ll her mother?
What?
I k*lled Xena's father.
Xena was seven.
Her father, came home
from the temple
of Ares, drunk, and angry.
He told me Xena had to die.
He was, very confused, Xena.
The priest at the
temple must have
told him to sacrifice
you to Ares.
Your father was, very
dedicated to the God of w*r.
I told him that I wouldn't
let him do that.
He said he'd-- k*ll me too, then.
He went to the stables
to sharpen a Kn*fe.
He was so,
methodical, the way he planned
to k*ll his own daughter.
I took an axe and,
I stopped him.
This is the same mess
that Orestes was in.
Yes, the, circumstances
are the same.
His mother k*lled
his father, and so,
his, obligation, according to
the code of the Furies, was--
to k*ll his mother.
Did it work?
I don't know.
I heard he still lives in
a village not far from here.
Andreas.
Maybe I can find him.
Maybe I can find a way
to get us out of this.
Perhaps.
Then I'm off to Andreas.
Xena?
Look, I know you're in there.
Hey, we're gonna get through this.
You know, we always do.
So Mama k*lled Papa.
Doesn't matter.
You were trying to
save my life, right?
I should be grateful.
But you have to admit,
you did put me in something
of a jam, didn't you?
I have an interesting choice, now.
I can k*ll you
or I can spend
the rest of my life
shuttling between babbling
idiocy and vivid clarity.
Did you know that sanity
is just a veil that the gods
throw over our eyes to stop
us from seeing the truth?
What is the truth, Xena?
That life is a joke!
It's a barroom joke at that!
And you know what
the punchline is?
The punchline is that
no matter what we do,
we still end up as
food for the worms.
Mother, there really is
only one way out of this.
Go ahead-- do it.
Oh, no, no. You don't
get out of it that easy.
I leave you to entertain the gods.
I am retiring from the stage.
Xena.
Mother, I am a lunatic
with lethal combat skills.
If I stay around here much longer,
some innocent people
are gonna get k*lled.
I'm doing them a favor.
Xena, what are you doing?
Why am I not surprised to find that
you have an interest in all this?
Of course, I do.
You're my favorite.
I don't wanna see you
throw yourself off some cliff.
If for no other reason,
it's such a tastelessly
melodramatic way
out of this life.
Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares
and I have limited choices.
Madness is a rotten way
to go through life.
Now, Xena?
Don't do that.
There is another solution.
k*lling Mommy?
No, I don't think so.
Well, I heard what
you said to your mother.
And you were right of course
what you said about life.
I was ranting.
Like a prophet.
Xena, you were never
so close to the truth.
If you're trying to convince me
that life's worth living,
this is not a good strategy.
No-- life isn't worth living.
It's to be taken,
and beaten, and wrestled,
and formed in your image.
That's where the meaning lies in
what you can twist life into.
For those who just endure life,
yeah-- it is a very nasty joke.
But for those who form
it with their will,
the joke is on those
who get in the way.
I must be crazy.
You're beginning to make sense.
This melodrama with your
family put it all behind you.
You don't know how common
it is for a jealous man to try and
punish his wife by
hurting the child.
Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?
Yes, I think I do.
Satisfy the Furies.
Give your mother to the worms.
You are on the brink of
ultimate freedom, Xena.
Do it.
You'll be reborn into
a world of true choice
beyond good and evil.
And not only will you
regain your sanity
but you'll see the world
as few have seen it
as a playground to your will.
Now, do it.
But how will the Furies
know if I do it?
They'll know.
But how?
They'll know.
You expect me to trust you?
I'm crazy; I'm not stupid.
If I'm gonna whack Mamma,
I wanna get something out of it.
I want to know that
the Furies are watching!
They'll see it. It's a god thing.
I won't do it unless
it's in front of the Furies!
All right, it can be arranged.
Good, I'll get Mom.
Xena, you're all right.
I'm anything but all right, Mother.
Yes, of course.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
- Maybe Gabrielle'll find a--
- Stop it!
Gabrielle couldn't save
a cat in a sack without me.
She's a useless
little pissant, really
now that I see things clearly.
That's not true.
And I don't think you're
seeing things clearly at all.
No matter.
I'm crazy and you're dead.
- Let's go.
- What are you saying?!
Don't push it with me, Mother.
Xena if that's what you
feel you have to do
The self-sacrificing mother.
That's such a tired cliché.
Tell me, Mother.
When you and Daddy were rolling
around like a pair of crazed
weasels, was it good?
Please, Xena.
Let's just get this over with.
I have a right to
know about the act
that brought me into
this miserable world.
I will not talk about that!
I'm losing patience with you.
Your father was away at w*r.
Suddenly, one night,
he was there with me.
And, yes, it was good!
Thank you, Mother.
As you say let's
get this over with.
I don't understand.
This is an asylum.
Are you sure we're
talking about the same man?
That's right. Here he is.
See for yourself.
Orestes?
So he didn't do it.
Didn't do what?
He didn't avenge
his father's m*rder.
Oh, yeah, he did.
He k*lled his mother,
Clytemnestra.
- But I thought that--
- That he'd be liberated from
his madness if
he k*lled his mother?
Yeah.
It's all a lie.
If they persecuted him for
not avenging his father's m*rder,
what were they going to do
to him for k*lling his mother?
There was no way out for him.
Furies, hear me!
I, Ares, God of w*r,
demand your presence
at this act of redemption!
She's the murderess?
And the avenging party?
Don't! Xena, it won't do any good!
Sometimes, that is the
only way to shut her up.
Is there a problem, Xena?
Why am I doing this?
She k*lled your father.
You have to avenge
his death or
the Furies will torment
you for eternity.
Go.
All right.
She k*lled my father?
Yes! m*rder*d him in cold blood.
Show her no mercy.
But how could she k*ll my father
when my father is very much alive?
Right, Daddy?
If you've noticed, she is crazy.
Yeah, I'm completely
out of my gourd
and I might cut Mommy
up later, just for fun
but not because she
k*lled my father.
Because you're my father.
Look at that hunk of
burning love you had, Mom.
This is nonsense.
Don't you think
Cyrene might have
mentioned this
before now?
That's not a very
good explanation, Daddy.
Gabrielle, tell him.
Do the bard thing.
The legends say tha--
Ares takes the form of his warriors
and he visits their wives
while they're away at battle.
Mom, tell him.
The night Xena was conceived,
my husband came home
unexpectedly from w*r.
This is ridiculous.
Do you ladies eavesdrop on us
whackos when you're tormenting us?
Frequently, yes.
Did you hear that little chit-chat
that Daddy and I had on
the cliff when he thought
I was gonna throw myself over?
Had you going there, didn't I?
Well, did you?
Yes.
You ladies do dress the part,
don't you?
Did you wonder why Daddy used
the word 'jealous' when referring
to my alleged father?
That was odd.
Why jealous?
I mean, he was jealous in the
attention Cyrene showed Xena.
It's a common phenomenon.
Now, here's my theory.
Ares and Mom do their thing;
she gets ripe with me;
and then, shortly after that,
her husband comes
home from w*r,
and he thinks that his
manhood did the trick.
Well, I pop out, and he
thinks he's my father.
Well, things go on
like this for years,
and then one night,
at the Temple of Ares,
someone maybe a drunken
priest maybe you,
spills the beans.
A jealous rage ensues.
Mom does her thing
with the axe and
Here we are.
You're not buying any of this.
I am not the father.
Why would he go to all this
trouble just to drive you insane?
Because a mad Xena
would be more sympathetic
to his quaint world view.
And you were right.
I meant it when
I said that you
were beginning to
make sense to me.
But the best bit--
the best bit of all
and this is a proud
daughter talking
is when I k*ll Mom
thereby dooming myself
forever to insanity
and complete dependence on you.
I have ways to prove it.
What's that?
We fight.
If I'm half god, I should
be able to hold my own.
And if I'm not well, surely
the God of w*r will win.
This is ridiculous.
What are you afraid of, Ares?
Me 'cause he knows that
I'm half god and all crazy.
Hey, come on, you two
you're not gonna get
it again, are you?
I'm gonna use you
as a shield, Gabrielle
just kidding.
I win!
Well, I think I've
proved my point.
Girls, he's been giving
you rotten fruit.
Well, as I was say,
I think I've proved my point.
Agreed.
Mother.
Zeus and the other
gods will hear
about this betrayal
of a sacred trust.
We'll talk later about the fruit.
I've been on the outs
with the family before.
They need me.
You don't really think
I'm your father, do you?
It doesn't matter.
The Furies think you are.
That's all that counts.
That-- was brilliant.
If I was your father,
I'd be very-- very proud of you.
I still don't get what
you see in her.
Xena, you knew what
your mom would say
about the night of your conception.
And you knew exactly
what I would say.
Well, I don't know if
I like being that predictable.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Xena,
your father.
I'll collect some
more firewood.
I took him away from you.
Mother.
It seemed-- like the only way.
I'm sure it was.
I never really knew him.
I, the hardest thing for me
was giving up the hope.
Hope?
I kept hoping that maybe
I'd run into him, somewhere.
Understand--
understand myself.
I know that will never be.
Can you ever forgive me?
There is nothing to forgive.
You saved my life.
I owe you my thanks.
I'm sorry that you had to
carry this alone all these years.
We'll go on.
We'll be stronger than before.