Remember a few years ago
in New York,
we had the doorman strike?
They have a union
in the fancy buildings,
and they went out on strike.
Now, you would think,
if any group of people
would not want to demonstrate
what life would be like
without them,
it would be doormen.
"Let's see how they do
without us."
There's no doorman, people open
the door, they walk in.
You know.
I mean, whose gonna
walk out next?
The guys that clean your
windshield at the traffic light
with the dirty rag?
"We demand shorter yellows
and longer reds."
"We demand shorter yellows
and longer reds."
[♪]
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
May I help you?
Yeah, I'm just goin' up
to see Elaine Benes.
Benes.
There's no one here
by that name.
Oh, she's housesitting
for Mr. Pitt.
Oh, a housesitter?
Yeah.
What are you, the boyfriend?
Here for a... quickie?
Can I just go up?
Oh, I get it, why waste time
makin' small talk
with the doorman?
I should just...
shut up and do my job,
openin' the door for ya.
[CLEARS THROAT]
How 'bout those Knicks?
Oh, the sports page.
Yeah.
Oh, the sports page.
Yeah.
What makes you think I wasn't
reading the Wall Street page?
Oh, I know.
I'm the uneducated doorman.
So you think your parents
will get back together?
I hope so, I can't take him
livin' with me much longer.
He makes this kasha,
it stinks up the whole house.
Hey, George,
stick 'em up.
What?
For these German tourists.
Pretend that I'm robbing you.
Why?
So these people can go back home
and tell their friends they saw
a real New York mugging.
It'll give them a thrill.
It'll give them a thrill.
All right.
Hands up, porky!
That's it. Now, gimme
your wallet, huh?
You've got it in here,
huh, fat boy?!
Is that all ya got?
Huh, is that all ya got?!
All right, that's enough!
I'll tell ya when it's enough!
All right, you better
not say anything.
Or I'll stalk ya!
ELAINE:
Where have you been?
We're gonna miss
the movie. Let's go!
I am not going back down there.
I can't face that guy again.
What guy?
The doorman!
What guy?
The doorman!
I don't wanna play any more
of his mind games.
What time does he get off?
Six, but then
the night doorman comes on.
He's much scarier.
Bah!
Well, it's almost now.
Can't we just wait till he goes home?
Oh...
We'll still make the movie.
Okay, okay.
[SIGHS]
GEORGE:
So, what did you do today, Dad?
Today, I went record shopping
in Greenwich Village.
I bought this record, but
I can't seem to find a hi-fi.
I bought this record, but
I can't seem to find a hi-fi.
I don't have a hi-fi.
Didn't I give you
my old record player?
I gave it to Cosmo.
Cosmo? Who's Cosmo?
I'm Cosmo.
Well, I want it back.
I want to listen
to that cha-cha record.
One, two, cha-cha-cha.
All right, all right,
can we go out and eat?
[HUMMING]
Lemme change my shirt.
Oh!
ELAINE:
Jerry, it's .
Let's go.
Let's go.
Ah, that doorman's still
millin' around outside.
He's very peculiar.
[PHONE RINGS]
No, don't...
Hello?
Oh, hi, Mr. Pitt.
Oh! Give that to me.
Hello, Mr. Pitt.
How's Scotland?
Elaine! Are you having a party?
A party? Oh, no, that was
just my stupid friend, Jerry.
All right, he just left.
We can go.
Because there's to be
no entertaining while I'm gone.
Believe me,
we're not entertained.
We were just leaving.
Can you grab those
empty bottles for me?
Can you grab those
empty bottles for me?
I need to know
what's in the mail.
Oh, well, Mr. Pitt, there's
really nothing that can't wait.
We're trying to catch a movie.
Well, you better catch
the later show,
because I need to know
what's in the mail.
All right.
[TEARFULLY]
I can't go.
Uh, the new TIME magazine.
The new People.
The new People.
PITT:
Oh, who's on the cover?
Hey, buddy.
You?
Wh-what are you doing here?
You work at this building too?
Oh, sure.
Poor doorman has to work
two jobs
to put food on the table
for mother and baby.
No, I live here.
That's okay, isn't it?
So you work all day as a doorman
at one building,
then you come home and stand
outside your own building?
Yeah.
You got a problem with that?
Look, I-I'm not goin'
in your building.
I-I really don't have
to talk to you.
I-I really don't have
to talk to you.
Goodbye.
You really think you're better
than me, don't ya?
GEORGE:
So my father opened his shirt...
Yeah, and?
Tell him, Kramer.
He had breasts.
What do you mean, breasts?
Big breasts.
So what? A lot of older men
have that.
No, not these.
These were real hooters.
These were real hooters.
I was throwin' up all night.
It's like my own personal
Crying Game.
You know, maybe you're gonna
get 'em too, George.
Yeah, that's right.
What...? What if
it's a genetic thing?
You know, like father, like son.
But your father's not bald.
No, no, no,
that skips a generation.
The baldness gene comes
from your grandfather.
The baldness gene comes
from your grandfather.
Then I suppose the bosom gene
comes from your grandmother?
You know, Frank can't
be too comfortable
with those things
clangin' around.
He should wear
something for support.
You mean, like a bra?
No, no. A bra is for ladies.
I'm talking about
a support undergarment
specifically designed for men.
Boy, that brain
never stops workin', does it?
That's right.
I'm gonna go noodle with this.
I'm gonna go noodle with this.
Hey!
We're twins.
What?!
Our shirts, they're the same.
Oh, heh. Imagine that.
What? What did you say
to the doorman?
What? Nothing.
He claims that you
followed him home
and started harassing him?
What, has this guy got
a personal vendetta with me?
What did I do to him?
Because I asked him
about the Knicks?
Because I asked him
about the Knicks?
Hey, did you make the movie?
No.
You wanna go tonight?
You can pick me up.
All right, can we go
to a later show
so he's off his shift
when I come by?
So now we have to
rearrange our lives
to avoid the doorman?
Yes, we do.
What is wrong with George?
He's... tryin' to get
something off his chest.
All right.
I've gotta try
and talk my mother
into taking him off my hands.
into taking him off my hands.
Help you?
[GASPS]
Wh-what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be gone.
I traded shifts
with the night doorman.
He had some personal
affairs to attend to.
You see, my fellow doormen and I
watch out for each other,
we don't s*ab each other in the
back like people in your world.
Look, I don't want any trouble.
I don't have a doorman
in my building.
I guess I'm just not used
to talking to them.
I'd really just like
to be friends.
You wanna be friends?
I'd like to be.
I'd like to be.
Then watch the door
for a minute, would ya?
What?
I wanna run and get a beer.
I'll be back in a minute.
Wait, wait, wait a sec.
What do I do?
It's not brain surgery.
Open the door for people
who live here.
If they don't,
don't let them in.
Here.
Wear this.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Hey, hey, wait a second.
Hey, hello!
Hey, hello!
Hey, hey, hey, wait a second,
you live here?
Of course I live here.
I've lived here for years.
Now, if you don't let me in,
I'm going to call the police
and have you arrested.
All right, all right.
You think you're better than me?
You gotta sign for it.
Oh, right.
Hey, how 'bout
those Knicks, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[SIGHS]
Ah...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
I, uh, brought back
your record player.
Oh, thank you, Kramer.
Yeah.
Put it over there.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
So, how you feelin'?
A little tired.
Uh-huh. Does your back hurt?
How did you know?
How did you know?
Well, it's obvious.
You're carrying a lot
of extra baggage up there.
Up here?
Oh, yeah, top floor.
You see, Frank...
have you ever considered
wearing something for support?
Now, look at this.
Mind you, this is
just a prototype.
You want me to wear a bra?
No, no.
A bra is for ladies.
Meet... the Bro.
So is your father excited
about coming home?
So is your father excited
about coming home?
George.
Hey, Mom, wh-what kind
of woman was Grandma?
All of a sudden you're
interested in your grandmother?
Well, you know,
you get to a certain point
you wanna know about your roots.
Well, she was a lovely woman.
Yeah.
What about physically?
Physically?
Yeah, you know,
what did she look like?
Well, you've seen pictures.
You can't tell much
from those pictures.
Tell what?
Was she a...?
Was she a big woman?
Big? No.
She was my height.
Bosomy?
Bosomy?
You wanna know
if your grandmother was bosomy?
Oh, heh, no.
I was just wondering.
The information
could be relevant.
Where do you get
your genes from?!
[QUIETLY]
That's what I'd like to know.
I can't believe
you left your post.
He left me there.
He left me there.
You see?
The mind games?
Hey, what's...? What's...?
What's goin' on here?
Somebody stole the couch
out of the lobby.
Where's the doorman?
How come someone
wasn't watching the door?
[WHISPERS]
Jerry, let's get out of here!
[LIVELY CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, my God.
What were you doing
watching the door, anyway?
He asked me to.
We were gettin' along.
You know, my fingerprints
are all over this.
That doorman knows
you're a friend of mine.
He'll tell
that co-op lady,
she'll tell
Mr. Pitt.
Jerry, I'm in this too deep.
Don't you find it odd
that as soon as he leaves,
the couch gets stolen?
Maybe he's settin' me up.
All right, shut up, shut up,
Just let me think.
I gotta think.
We gotta get our story straight.
All right, what if we say...?
All right, here it is.
This is what we'll tell 'em.
This is what we'll tell 'em.
You came to pick me up.
I came to pick you up.
Yeah, that's what I just said.
No, I was just...
I know you were just,
it's not helping.
All right.
Well, just start again.
Okay, you came to pick me up...
Right.
You see? Again.
What? I said "right."
All right,
you came right upstairs
without talking to the doorman.
But the doorman's gonna
say that I was there!
So what? No one's gonna
believe a doorman!
But I don't know if this
is gonna work.
Just stick with the story, we'll
be fine! Let me do the talking.
Just stick with the story, we'll
be fine! Let me do the talking.
Okay.
Good, now fix me a drink.
KRAMER:
How's that feel?
This feels very comfortable.
Ya see?
I feel ten years younger.
Yeah, and your posture's
a lot better.
Look at you!
And I can breathe easier, too.
I told you! Now, Frank, listen.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Now, you have a friend
in the bra business, right?
Of course, Sid Farkus.
He's the best in the business.
Here's our chance.
What do ya say?
It'll be me, you,
and the Bro, bro.
Let's do it!
Except we gotta do
something about the name.
Why? What's wrong with Bro?
No, Bro's no good.
Too ethnic.
You got something better?
How 'bout, uh...
the Mansiere?
Mansiere.
That's right.
A brassiere for a man.
The Mansiere. Get it?
Well...
you scared her off.
We may never see Mom again.
Hey, George,
what do ya like better?
The Bro or the Mansiere?
The Bro or the Mansiere?
Dad...
we need to talk.
DOORMAN:
I had to use the bathroom,
so I asked this guy to watch
the door for a few minutes.
Why should I believe you?
Actually...
it was her friend.
I was just speaking
to the doorman, here,
about the couch robbery.
Oh, really?
Oh, really?
The doorman.
[CHUCKLES]
And, pray tell,
what did the doorman say?
He said he asked a friend
of yours to watch the door.
Oh, my. Well.
The doorman certainly has
a wild imagination, doesn't he?
Well, what do we have here?
Perhaps Ms. Benes can explain
why a Jerry Seinfeld
signed for this package
at the exact same time
the couch was stolen?
He never watched a door before,
Mrs. Payton.
He never watched a door before,
Mrs. Payton.
He didn't know how to do it!
You know, he's a comedian,
Mrs. Payton.
They don't know
how to do anything!
Don't you see
what's going on here?
He set us up!
He's playing
all these mind games!
JERRY: They're saying I'm
responsible for the couch?
There was nothing I could do.
He said he had a Federal Express
slip with your signature on it.
Diabolical!
He thought of everything.
He was setting me up
from day one.
Is it possible
we were victims of a sting?
Is it possible
we were victims of a sting?
I'm sure he's having
a good laugh over this
with his doorman buddies.
[LAUGHTER]
So you didn't even
want the couch?
No! I was just
messin' with his head.
[ALL LAUGHING]
And they think
they're better than us!
[ALL LAUGHING]
ELAINE:
Anyway, Jerry...
Jerry.
We have to replace the couch.
Now we have to buy a new couch?
Not necessarily.
Why don't you take back
the couch you gave me?
Why don't you take back
the couch you gave me?
The one with the Poppie stain?
Yeah, sure.
Then my father will have
no place to sleep.
He's gotta move out!
But it's got a pee stain on it.
No, the cushion's turned over.
I guess...
Yeah! You get a couch,
I get rid of my father.
It couldn't be more perfect.
Now, it's called the Bro.
Or the Mansiere.
Yeah, but I prefer the Bro.
I like Mansiere.
Well, I have to tell you...
it's a very interesting idea.
You know, selling bras
exclusively to woman,
You know, selling bras
exclusively to woman,
we're really only utilizing
% of the market.
That's what we figured, huh?
I told you.
And to be perfectly frank...
I've always felt
I could use some support.
I know when
I'm wearing Ban-Lon...
there appears
to be some jiggling.
I wouldn't be caught dead
in Ban-Lon.
So, what do you see in the back?
Hooks? Velcro?
Uh...
Definitely Velcro.
Oh, yeah. Say you're
getting intimate
with a woman, uh...
getting intimate
with a woman, uh...
you don't want her fumbling
and struggling back there.
I think we've all
experienced that.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Summer nights.
[SIGHS]
Well, I still have
to talk about this
to Mr. De Granmont.
KRAMER: Of course, yes.
But barring any unforeseen
developments,
gentlemen, I think
we're sitting on a winner.
All right, good.
Frank...
I want to tell you
how sorry I am
I want to tell you
how sorry I am
to hear about you
and Estelle separating.
Oh, thank you Sid,
but that's all in the past.
I'm ready to move on.
I've always been
very fond of Estelle.
Beautiful woman.
I, uh... I hope you don't
think this is out of line
but would it be okay with you
if I were to ask her out?
You wanna go out with my wife?
Where do you get the nerve
to ask me something like that?!
No, Frank, I'm just saying...
I know what you're saying,
and I know what you're thinking!
Come on, Cosmo.
No, Frank!
I'm not doing business
with this guy.
I'm not doing business
with this guy.
Frank! Frank!
GEORGE:
Jerry took the couch back.
He took it back?
Didn't you tell him
I was using it?
Oh, I pleaded with him.
Where am I supposed to sleep?
Well, I...
I took the liberty
of packing your things.
Mom's coming to get you.
I thought Jerry
didn't want that couch
because of the stain.
What stain?
Oh, you didn't notice?
It has a pee stain.
You had me sleeping
on a pee-stained couch?
No. No, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
The cushion was turned over.
But the very idea,
you had me lying in urine!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Ah, there's Mom!
There's Mom.
Is it safe to come in?
Oh, of course.
Of course.
You're not having any
of your tr*nsv*stite parties?
Will you stop it?
I lived with him for years.
I never saw him
trying on my underwear.
As soon as he leaves the house,
he turns into J. Edgar Hoover.
Here, Cosmo.
Oh, hey.
You can have the hi-fi,
I don't need it, now.
I got one at home.
All right, let's go.
We'll go out for dinner tonight.
I can't tonight.
I'm busy.
What do ya mean, busy?
I'm having dinner with someone.
With whom?
Sid Farkas.
Sid Farkas?
You're not havin' dinner
with a bra salesman.
Hey,
he only sells them.
He doesn't wear 'em.
Okay, that's it.
I'm not comin' home.
I'm not comin' home.
But you can't stay here!
There's no place to sleep!
We'll work somethin' out.
[♪]
Stop him!
Ja, ja, ja!
It's him!
Stop that man!
It's him!
Somebody stop him.
Please, quick!
Please, quick!
Stop, it's him!
I know! I know!
Help, stop him!
Hey, that record player
is not yours.
No, look, somebody
gave it to me.
You're a thief.
We have proof.
What is that?
It's the first upper-body
support undergarment
specifically designed for men.
How does it connect in the back?
With a hook?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Here.
Velcro.
[SPEAKS GERMAN]
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
It fits good, huh?
Well, I suppose
it'll have to do.
It's a beautiful couch.
It's hardly been used.
Poppie!
Well, hello, Jerry.
What are you doing here?
Visiting my friend.
Hey, how ya feelin', Poppie?
Much better, much better.
The doctors say I cannot
have no aggravation.
So I sell the restaurant.
So I sell the restaurant.
I just take it easy.
See, if I get excited,
that's aggravate my condition.
The last time I got aggravated
was in the restaurant.
With your friend.
She started a big fight
about abortion.
It's you!
It's you!
What?
You! I...
I...
I gotta sit down.
No, Poppie! No!
No, Poppie!
No, Poppie!
[♪]
Kasha?
No, thanks, Dad.
No, thanks, Dad.