01x05 - Tee-Tee Pa-Pah

[bunniefuu]

- (BARK)
- (EASY LISTENING MUSIC)

He looked so sad in the store,

but now he just looks kind of pissed.

Hm...

I know it's bad to emotionally
impulse-buy a living creature,

- but I just...
- Yeah, I don't condone that.

Uh, those are sterile, so
if you could just not...

- Oh, sorry.
- (REPLACES LID)

A dog. I should've
just gotten a Mani-pedi.

Hey, I dug out my old flute.

I'm working on a song
for choir practice.

It's not gonna be great but, you know...

- Joel?
- Yeah.

You know, you don't have to keep him.

But that'd be really terrible.

Take a breath. It's not
like a character judgment.

You just seem like maybe it's
not the right time, that's all.

If you could foster
for a couple of days,

I'll work on finding a good home

for this little guy. Okay?

- Okay, I think... Yeah.
- (BARKING OUTSIDE)

- Thank you, Tiffani.
- Yeah, no doubt.

(GROWLING)

- Oh God, he hates me.
- Well,

why don't you try smiling
for the little guy?

(DOG GROWLS)

Well, not like that!

(BARK, GROWL)

(LIGHT THEME PLAYING)

- (STREET CHATTER)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CAFE CHATTER)

Hey, Sammy!

- (PHONE ALERTS BUZZING)
- Oh.

- Hey, how are you?
- Good.

- FRED: Jesus.
- (ALERTS CONTINUE)

I can tell you, as a man of science,

- meteorologists are a bunch of ding-dongs.
- (LAUGHS)

Fred, can I ask you somethin'?

Sure.

You ever feel judged?

In fact, I do,

but we don't have that
kind of time right now.

Why do you ask?

- I don't wanna bore you.
- Ah, bore me.

SAM: Hm...

(INHALES)

(SIGHS) It's just, my...

My sister and her friends
are all like faith and family

and faith and family
and faith and family,

and they're so judgmental
about my life, right?

But my sister has
actually convinced herself

- that she's only ever slept with her husband, Rick.
- Mm-hmm.

But by my count, she is skipping
over at least a dozen names.

- But the real kicker
- (LAUGHS) Yeah?

is that her faith and
family best friend Charity

is sucking my sister's husband's d*ck.

- Woo! (LAUGHS)
- Are you following?

I follow. And this is not boring.

But the problem is, like, if I tell her,

then I'm the assh*le that
broke up her marriage, right?

And if I don't say anything,
I mean... I can't win, right?

She is a bitch,

but she's also my sister.

Just f*ck.

Sam, you gotta tell her.

(EXHALES) Yeah...

Would you wanna know if it was you?

Yes.

Hey...

You know what?

Why don't you try this for strength?

You just pulled that out of your pants?

Don't worry about it.

A Pretzel Schmetzel dog?

You know that these just lay
around on the counter all day

- in the temperature danger zone.
- All right,

you have a good point,
but I wanna tell you

these defy the laws of food science.

And sometimes, you gotta
roll the dice for flavor.

- (SAM SIGHS)
- (PAPER CRINKLING)

Go ahead!

(SNIFFS)

I know it smells a little funny,

- but it's gonna make you feel great.
- No.

- It smells delicious.
- All right, well, get in there.

I'm not putting this
in my mouth right now.

Just like your friend's
sister or your sister's friend.

I wasn't totally following.

- There's just so much going on.
- (LAUGHS)

Thanks for listening, Fred.

I really didn't have a choice.

(LAUGHS)

JOEL: Okay, okay. Come on,
come on, come on, come on.

We can do this. We just gotta get home.

- (PHONE ALERT BLARING)
- (DOG WHINING)

Yeah, I know, I know.

- (WHINES)
- No, no, no, no, no.

I know that face. Please
don't do it on the seat again

- 'cause that took so many paper towels.
- (WHINES)

(SIGHS) Can't you just
hold it until we get home?

- It's a freaking tornado watch.
- (WHINES)

Okay, what is it, teetee or papaw?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

- (RUSTLING)
- (GRUNTS)

- SAM: Hey.
- Hey!

Sorry, I'm late. I was gonna
text, and then I didn't.

Oh, no, no worries. I've
actually gotten a ton done.

(SIGHS) I'm not even saying
that passive-aggressively either.

Been on a roll. I fixed
that leak on the combine.

- Wow.
- Yup!

And now, I'm just getting
all this cleared out.

- (GLASS CLINKING)
- So, where there's... (SIGHS, LAUGHS)

- All right, Mom. (LAUGHS)
- SAM: Oh. (LAUGHS)

- More hidden treasures.
- (SLOSHING)

- We could open a bar, huh?
- I know, right?

(BOTTLE CLATTERS)

You know, we should probably
do a clean sweep of the house

before she gets back.

Yeah, good idea.

I thought Crazy Dayz was pretty cool.

- I... I thought you did a really good job.
- Thanks.

You know, Rick was actually
really helpful, which...

(SIGHS) I've not been very
nice to him. Have to be nicer.

- Honestly.
- No, you don't. You're too nice to that guy.

(LAUGHS)

That's something I literally
never thought I'd hear you say.

(WIND BLOWING)

What? What's wrong?

- (PHONE BUZZING)
- Hold on.

- Oh, it's Shannon.
- (ANSWERS, TYPING)

- (WINDOW SHATTERS)
- (BOTH SCREAM)

SAM: Are you okay? I'll close the door.

Shut the door! Just shut the doors!

(WIND HOWLING)

(CREAKING, BANGS)

(WIND BLOWING)

Okay. Go ahead.

- Can you hurry up your business?
- (WHINING)

Can you do it quick because...

Okay, if that spot doesn't work,

- how about this one?
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Make a teetee here. This is
a good spot right here, huh?

- Go ahead. Make your teetees...
- (THUNDER GROWS LOUDER)

- (BARKING)
- ... over there?

- Wait, dog! No, come back! Come back, dog!
- (BARKING)

- (WIND HOWLING)
- TRICIA: All right, Shannon.

Okay, I'll let you go. Just let her know

that she can call me
anytime she wants to, okay?

All right. Okay, love you. All right.

Okay. Well, so Shannon's
safe in her friend's basement.

Um, Dad's at his PT.

Rick is not answering his calls though.

(WIND BLOWING)

Why are you being so weird?

Are you scared? I mean,

you know this tornado is
not gonna hit this barn.

The odds are, like...

No.

(SIGHS)

(WIND BLOWING)

- What?
- Rick is cheating on you.

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- (SIGHS) What are you talking about?

Rick is cheating on you.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

- (HAILING)
- (PAINED GRUNTS)

- (THUNDER CONTINUES)
- sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

(HAIL CLATTERING)

f*cking dog!

Literally running around in a hailstorm!

f*ck. (SIGHS)

Dog! I'm coming for you!

(GRUNTS)

I'm coming!

Dog!

Dog!

(PAINED GRUNTING)

You know he's not very talkative, right?

So any time I would try to,
like, kinda ask or whatever,

I wasn't getting anywhere. So then,

I decided to stalk him
just a little bit...

Sam, what does any of this
have to do with cheating?

Okay, let me skip ahead.

I was at Mom and Dad's
house. I looked in his jacket,

I found these two cell phones. I'm like,

- what the f*ck is he doing?
- Samantha!

(SAM SIGHS)

(SLAPS LEGS)

Tricia...

- (WIND BLOWING)
- (CREAKING)

(SIGHS)

I saw stuff.

(SIGHS)

(HEAVY BREATHING) Stuff?

I mean, not sex,

but stuff.

- And you're sure?
- Oh, I wish I wasn't.

(INHALES)

(QUIET MUTTERING)

(SNIFFLES)

Well, I'm an idiot.

- (SAD LAUGH)
- You're not.

(SIGHS)

Who is it?

(GROANS)

We've already... I've
given you a lot to process.

I think maybe we should just
save that for another time.

Who is it?

(WIND BLOWING)

It's Charity.

- I'm sorry.
- (GAGS)

- (LOUDER GAG)
- Oh, oh...

(RETCHING)

(RETCHING, COUGHING)

(VOMITS)

Oh my God, Sa... (RETCH)

You know I can't not throw
up if I see you throw up!

- (BOTH RETCH)
- But I didn't even throw up!

- (TRICIA RETCHING)
- Oh...

- Oh my God, what did you eat?
- Oh...

Oh, one of those Pretzel
Schmetzel f*cking dogs...

Oh... (RETCHES)

- Ew!
- (EXHALES)

- Fred Rococo said roll the dice.
- (GASPING)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- JOEL: Oh, I gotcha!

- I gotcha! I gotcha! I gotcha.
- (TREES RUSTLING)

- (PANTING) Okay?
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Oh, that's not good.

Let's go here. What's this thing?

(WIND PICKING UP)

- We're okay. We're okay.
- (WIND HOWLING)

- You okay? We're okay.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CHIRPING, SQUEAKING)

Oh my God, there's
something else in here.

- (SQUEAKING CONTINUES)
- Oh, f*ck me. Oh, f*ck me.

- f*ck me.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

I cannot get rabies again.

- (YELLING GIBBERISH)
- (SQUEAKING CONTINUES)

It's just a mouse. It's just a mouse.

- We're okay.
- (METAL CREAKING)

I mean, we're f*cked, but we're okay.

(RATTLING)

- (THUNDER CRACKING)
- (PANTING)

(CLANK)

(WIND BLOWING)

Part of you must just
be loving this right now.

- What? No.
- This is, like, so hilarious to you.

My whole life falling
apart. It being me this time.

What do you mean you this time? What...

- Why are you doing this to me?
- I'm not doing anything!

I mean, you really just
hate me this much, don't you?

- Tricia, I don't...
- You do!

I don't hate you!

Then how come you've nothing
better to do with your life

- than to insert it into...
- Oh, Jesus Christ!

What stuff did you see?
Did you see his stupid d*ck?

Oh, God, no, gross!

Who else have you told?

Who am I gonna tell? You're my sister.

Like, I... I wasn't
even going to tell you!

- Well, maybe you shouldn't have!
- Maybe I shouldn't have, right?

Maybe I should let him keep on

f*cking around behind your
back! Would that be better?

Oh God... (CRYING)

(SOBS)

(SOBS) I mean, I should've known.

- (GATE OPENS)
- (SOBS)

- (BOTTLES CLINK)
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

(TRICIA CRYING)

- (MUTTERING)
- Try this.

(SIGHS)

(COUGHING)

God! Mom... (SNIFFS)

This vodka is so gross. (COUGHS)

(BOTH COUGH)

Oh God. Well, that's wonderful.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I think it just burnt
the flesh off my uvula.

- (LAUGHTER)
- (THUNDER)

My insides are rotting.

(LAUGHING)

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

(WHEEZES)

(WIND HOWLING)

It's okay. Calm down.
Calm down. There we go.

Okay. I'm just gonna
eat a little something

'cause I'm a little light-headed.

I forget to eat sometimes.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

This has chocolate. I don't
think you can eat that.

Or is that cats?

I'm gonna ask Tiffani.
If we live. (LAUGHS)

Just kidding, we're totally
gonna... We're gonna be fine.

- (WIND CONTINUES)
- (METAL CREAKING)

Did you ever make teetee or papaw?

You must have, right?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, I want you to know, I'm
not mad at you, all right?

I know you were just
scared. Thunder's scary.

I'm scared a lot, too.

Ooh. You feel that?

(WIND QUIETS)

God, the air pressure just
changed. Got goose-pimples.

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Oh.

Okay. All right.

It's okay. You're okay.

- Okay.
- (TYPING)

(PANTING)

Hey, babe. Or Michael.
Michael. Hi, hon. Babe.

Um...

Listen, uh,

I hope your tournament is going well.

I'm sorry it's really loud
here, but (CLEARS THROAT)

it's a tornado,

and I'm in a little
tube thing. It's okay.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that,

(SIGHS) um,

I actually do want kids.

And, and a house and a, a Vitamix

and a Dyson and marriage.

I just do.

I love you.

And I know I told you this already,

but it's, it's the
Vitamix that heats up,

so you can make soup. Okay.

This isn't a proposal!

Okay. I think we're okay, aren't we?

Roger?

Is that your name? Roger?
Do you like that name?

I like it, too. Roger.

- TRICIA: That's it! (LAUGHS)
- SAM: K-K-Katie!

♪ Beautiful Katie ♪

♪ You're the only
g-g-girl that I adore ♪

♪ Whenever the moon
shines over the cow shed ♪

♪ I'll be waiting at
the k-k-kitchen door ♪

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh my God. Classic Mom.

- (LAUGHING)
- So bad...

Oh, do you remember...

Do you remember when
Holly was over there,

singing "Sentimental Journey,"

and she started pissing herself?

(LAUGHING)

You were laughing so hard
that she just kept singing,

- and kept pissing herself?
- Yeah!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, that's terrible.

(LAUGHTER FADES)

- (SAM GASPS)
- Hm...

Wow, I really miss her.

Yeah.

You...

You still wear her necklace, huh?

Yep. Every day. (SNIFFS)

(SIGHS)

(GASPS) Oh my God!

What?

I just realized...

this is why he's been working out.

Oh, gross!

- (SAM LAUGHS)
- This is so frickin' embarrassing!

(DOOR OPENING)

- (GRUNTS) Someone's here...
- Ow. Sam! That's my hair... Ow!

- (HAY RUSTLING)
- Ow... Ah!

Hello?

- Oh, hey.
- Oh, hey!

This is my dog, Roger.

- Hey, Roger!
- Hey, Roger.

- Did I hurt you?
- Mm-hmm.

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- Come on, come on. Pick up, you m*therf*cker.

JOEL: So wait, Rick is
a drug-dealing adulterer?

Just an adulterer. I
think the drug-dealing part

- might not have been accurate.
- (LAUGHS)

But wait, what about
the big wad of cash?

I think he just saved up his allowance,

so he didn't have to use
their credit card at the motel

for the (WHISTLING). Yeah...

What a web of lies.

(BURPS): Yep.

Oh...

You ladies been drinkin'?

- Don't worry about it.
- (LAUGHS)

SAM: (GASPS) Oh no!

The cupola's gone!

- Dad's gonna be so sad.
- He's not answering his phone!

She's not answering her phone!

He's not at work!
She's not at the store!

They're together!

Well if they are, they
don't have many options.

- Here! Let's rock-and-roll!
- (KEYS JINGLING)

- (LAUGHS)
- We can take my car.

I think that's best.

- You're not drunk, are you?
- No!

- All right, good.
- I'm high on life.

- (SAM LAUGHS)
- I'm high on being a mother!

TRICIA: Wh-why are we parking
here? Their cars aren't here.

I never knew my daddy.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

But Mom said he always
parked around back.

Smart.

(BABY TALK): Where's she going, Roger?

- (NORMAL VOICE): Well, she's doing it, isn't she?
- JOEL: Mm.

- Oh, there she goes.
- I look a little wild.

Like, physically, do you think?

Yeah. I wasn't gonna say anything,

- but yeah...
- (LAUGHS)

Well, I was stuck in one of
those drainage pipe things

- during a tornado.
- Oh my God!

I'm sorry if I got a little messy!

- Like the little baby Jessica?
- (LAUGHS)

- No, I think she was in a well, right?
- Oh sh*t.

- Whoopsies, Roger.
- But we made it,

didn't we? We survived, huh, Roger?

We weathered that f*cking storm.

But you could have d*ed,
Roger! You could have d*ed!

They're here! They're f*cking here!

- Oh sh*t.
- Really? Oh.

- (LEAVES CRUNCHING)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)

SAM: Okay, and she's
taking off her shirt.

JOEL: Wow, that's a bold choice.

Oh, got a towel,

walking around like she's
a burglar in a cartoon.

- (PLASTIC THUDDING)
- (ICE DISPENSING)

- TRICIA: Hi!
- HOUSEKEEPER: Hey.

- SAM: She's making friends.
- TRICIA: How's it going?

- HOUSEKEEPER: Fine, how are you?
- She's talking to a gentleman.

Do you have one of those
universal key thingies...

- JOEL: Should we do something?
- ... I got locked out!

HOUSEKEEPER: We use real keys...

Hey, about Pastor Deb.

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

- Mm-hmm.
- TRICIA: My g*dd*mn husband got his d*ck stuck...

- I know you feel bad, but...
- TRICIA: ... with my best friend...

I'm glad you lied.

- About choir practice.
- TRICIA: They're right here. They're right next door.

HOUSEKEEPER: I know, but I don't know...

Just for your information.

- Hey. I can't...
- Give me the keys!

- Um, okay, we need to go in there.
- Yes, immediately, right now.

- f*ck this ice. I want those keys, Weber.
- (ICE CLATTERING)

- They're my keys. You're not gonna... Hey!
- Gimme the keys!

- Weber, gimme the keys!
- This is my job! I'm not gonna...

Tricia!

Okay, I'll tell you what.

- For $ , I'll tell you the room number.
- Yeah.

- WEBER: For $ , I'll give you the key.
- TRICIA: Done.

- Sam, pay the guy.
- Uh, Joel, pay the guy.

- JOEL: What's your Venmo?
- My what?

Oh, for God's sake.

(SIGHS) I guess we're
just doing cash now?

- Oh, Tricia, are you sure?
- Yep.

- Oh f*ck!
- What the heck, Rick!?

You have two hours to get
home and get your crap,

and you better not be
there when I get back!

- Do you hear me?
- RICK: I...

- Where is she?
- Who?

You f*cking know who!

Well, I guess, um, you're here...

- (CHARITY GRUNTS)
- (BOTH GASP)

(COUGHING, GASPING)

(TRICIA PANTING)

You f*ckin' idiot.

(CHARITY COUGHING, GASPING)

Y... you wanna stop
and get some ice cream?

You want me to come and
sit with you back there...

- No.
- Okay.

(GASPS) Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop. Look, look.

- What?
- Look!

Oh sh*t!

(CUTS ENGINE)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

It looks pretty good.
It looks pretty good!

(KEYS JINGLING)

(METAL CLANGING)

Oh my God, it fits!

JOEL: (LAUGHS) Is she okay?

f*ck!

Yeah, she'll be fine.

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- (ALARM BEEPING)

SAM: (SIGHS) f*cking seatbelt.

(LIGHT PIANO PLAYING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

(UNLOCKS DOOR)

(LOCKS DOOR)

(SIGHS)

(COUCH SQUEAKING)

(SIGHS)

(CREAKING)

(SIGHS)

(TYPING)

(LINE RINGING)

JOEL ON PHONE: Sam!

- (SAM GIGGLES)
- How crazy was that?

(LAUGHING) I know!

- Oh my God, I couldn't believe that sh*t.
- JOEL: God.

- JOEL: What are you up to?
- Chillaxing. Oh f*ck, I lost my blanket.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- JOEL: Yeah.

♪ ♪