05x14 - Grandpa's Visit

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

(organ solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Happy and free I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! I

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

Dad?

Close. It's a relative.

That's cute, Marion.
Isn't Dad here yet?

- No. Richard went down to
the station to pick him up. -Oh.

- Well, is everything ready?
- Just ready.

The guest room is spic-and-span.

- Ah, that's good.
- And Mrs. Kelly...

Mrs. Kelly loaned us
this rocker.

Oh, your dad is just
gonna have a lovely retirement.

Rocking chair, huh?

Well, I don't know, Marion.

You know, my father's
a very dynamic guy.

He's always on the go.

You know, when I was a kid,

he used to drag me
to baseball games

and football games
and those policemen picnics.

In the three-legged race,

he used to drag me
across the finish line.

Well, maybe I should
cancel the rocker.

Yeah, I think you better--
if he sees the rocker

he's only gonna
tell me to sit on it.

Oh! Oh, well, he doesn't have
to sit all the time, you know.

- You can take him to the
hardware store once a week. -Oh,

he hates the hardware business.

He doesn't hate it.

Marion, any man who says
he'd rather eat bark

than go into
the hardware business hates it.

Besides, he still
treats me like a kid.

He still calls me... sonny.

Brrr! It's freezing!

MARION: Get on the papers,
on the papers, dear.

Take your galoshes off.

Well, I'm all through,
uh, shoveling the walk.

HOWARD: Oh good, good.
Here's your quarter.

A quarter.

Thanks, Diamond Jim.

Wait, wait just a second.

(sings fanfare)

Here he is,
the Sheboygan Shamus,

former Detective
Captain Sean Cunningham!

Let's hear it for him!

(others clapping,
speaking indistinctly)

All right, all right.

Enough! Enough.

Enough, enough. Enough.

Enough with the introductions,
let's have hugging and kissing.

Oh, Dad, you just look...

- Good to have you here.
- Marion, you look wonderful.

And little Joanie... Joanie.

And sonny.

Give your old father a kiss.

Now, wait a minute,
I am years old.

You'll never be too old
to kiss your father.

I wasn't talking about kissing,

I was talking
about you calling me sonny.

Mm. Feisty.

You know something, sonny?

You got your mother's nose
and your uncle's belly,

-but I still love you.
- Thanks, Dad.

Uh, Marion,
how about the, uh...

Oh. I'll be right back
with a little surprise.

- SEAN: Huh?
- Oh. I'll help you, Mom.

Dad, you look terrific.

Thank you, thank you.
And you...

well, at least
you retained your hair.

All right.

Listen, I want
to tell you something,

I'm very sorry that I'm late.

Dad, I'd like you
to meet Arthur Fonzarelli.

- How do you do?
- Hey, you can call me the Fonz.

Nice to meet you, Pops.

You can call me Cap
if you like.

All right, you got it, Cap.

♪ We wish you
a happy retirement ♪

♪ We wish you a happy
retirement ♪

♪ We wish you
a happy retirement ♪

- ♪ And a long, healthy life. ♪
- FONZIE: Hey.

A cake-- now, that's
very touching, very touching.

But it so happens
I didn't retire.

- I knew it.
- You didn't retire? But...

you're --
you turned in your badge.

I didn't turn it in.

They took it away from me.

All these years they're
telling me how competent I am,

how good I am
for the department,

and then they promoted me
to captain of the detectives,

and the day I became , they
said I was too old for the job,

and just like that,
bip, bap, good-bye, Cap.

Hey, I'll tell you
something, Cap,

I think that is ridicumundo!

Excuse me?

Hey, what they do to elderly
people, you know, is stupid.

You're right, absolutely right.

And they gave me a gold watch
with a one-year guarantee.

HOWARD: Look, Dad,
I-I'm sorry they retired you,

but it really doesn't matter.

Yes, and we've already contacted
several senior citizen groups.

- I entered you in the
Shuffleboard Olympics. -Huh?

Maybe you'll meet
some senior ladies.

Are you listening
to this family?

Hey, I don't tangle,
I just am a rent-ee.

Well, I got news for all of you.

I have no intention
sitting on my rump,

playing checkers with a bunch
of decrepit old men!

I'm gonna get myself a job,
and then maybe I would consider

pinching a few
of your senior old ladies.

Meantime,
you know somebody in town

could use a good hired hand?

- Well...
- RICHIE: Hey, Gramps,

-why don't you help Dad out
at his hardware store? -Uh...

That's a very nice thought,
Richie, but I'd rather eat bark.

You want a job?
I'll get you a job.

You work with me
down at the garage.

I need part-time help
in the mornings,

you know, till you get
something else. How about it?

You got yourself a deal,
young fella. When do I start?

- First thing tomorrow morning.
- I'll be there at : a.m.

Hey, don't show up
till about : .

I'll stand guard.

- Hi, Cap.
- Hello.

I finished lunch, Fonz.
What's up?

All right, Chachi,
come here, hold this.

Hold the screwdriver.
Right there.

I got the wrong wrench.

(engine idling)

- Uh, Cap?
- Yeah?

I can't reach it from here.

Oh. Well, then you
should be over here.

- Hey, that is a great idea.
- Yeah.

- Excuse me. Sorry.
- Yeah.

Boy, you guys make a great team.

Yeah, right,
like Abbott and Costello.

- Cap?
- Yeah?

Uh, I-l think we have things
covered here, you know?

Why don't you go in
and check my books,

-see if they're up to date, huh?
- Oh.

All right, tap it,
lightly. Tap...

No, no, give it
a good whack, son.

-(yells, groans in pain)
- Whoa! Fonz! I'm sorry.

It's all right,
it's all right. Don't touch.

It still works.
It's all right.

All right!
(mutters)

That takes care of that.

FONZIE:
What are you talking about?

Aw, some girl talking crazy.

What do you mean, talking crazy?
What do you mean?

She wanted to talk
to "Sugar Lips."

It was Rochelle.

He hung up on Rochelle?
She hates that!

- I didn't do it.
- I know. Mm, mm!

All right, look, you got
to do me a favor. Here.

You take this money and buy her
some perfume. Buy her the best.

Spend the whole dollar.

And then you tell her:
Boy Scout tent,

: , Saturday night, be there!

-(claps hands)
- Hey!

(strained chuckling)

There's a note on my wall
for an auto supply store.

They're supposed to send me
a muffler, they don't send it.

Go in there and find out
what's wrong, huh?

I saw that note this morning,
and I called them.

And I want
to tell you something,

I gave that supply store
a piece of my mind.

Hey, that's great. They're gonna
be sending it right over, right?

- Oh-ho, better than that.
- Better? All right!

Much better than that.

From now, you're free to do
business with another place.

SEAN:
Something wrong?

- I got the wrong tools.
- Oh.

You know,
I was noticing something here.

- I could help you here; this
coil is very loose. -No, Cap...

- No, no, real...
-(loud pop)

I've never seen one
do that before.

FONZIE:
Mr. ., I got to talk to you

-about your father.
- Oh, how's he doing?

Grease g*n--
didn't know it was loaded.

Oh, well, it's...

it's his first day
on the job, Fonzie.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's his first day...

and his last--
I got to fire him.

- You got to fire him?
- Yeah.

Uh, uh, it's not like
you think, see?

He's a very good worker.

I mean, I didn't realize
he was that fast.

You know, he did everything
before lunch.

L-I don't know how
to tell you this.

I want to tell you
in the most diplomatic terms

that I know, you know?

He's driving me wacko!

- Diplomatic, huh?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I understand, Fonz.

You see, my father
is used to being a leader,

a take-charge guy.

He's a very dynamic man.

I know sometimes he can drive
you crazy, but he means well.

Yeah, I understand that.

I have a great deal
of likeness for him.

I just don't have
the heart to tell him.

Yeah.

All right, I'll tell him.

You are the greatest, Mr. C.

Oh, hi, Dad.

♪ Oh, the night
that Paddy Murphy d*ed ♪

♪ I never will forget,
the whole g*ng ♪

♪ They got stinkin' drunk
and some ain't sober yet ♪

-(continues singing fast)
- Uh... Dad...

♪ Came down with his pipes ♪
(continues indistinctly)

(imitating bagpipes)

♪ Oh... ♪

Glory me! For goodness sakes,
sonny, say something.

Say something.
I've seen better smiles

and better looks on faces
in lineups, for crying out loud.

Listen, while you're
in such a good Irish mood,

there is something
I have to tell you.

- There is?
- Yes.

Hold it.

I've got some news for you.

Ta-da!

You've enlisted!

You know, you've been playing
with nuts and bolts so long

you got a screw loose.

I just joined the campus police.

Richie's college?

- Ten-four.
- Oh...

Now, before you tell me
your news,

- I got a bit of a problem.
- Yeah?

With that nice Fonzie.

I... I don't know how
to tell him I'm quitting.

I'll tell him.

AL:
Now, now, wait a minute, guys,

I got a rule around here:
No shoes, no short, no service.

(goat bleating)

It's Beta Chi's mascot--
we kidnapped it.

Get it? Kid? Goat?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I Still got it.

You do. That'll teach 'em
for taking our mascot,

-the Sacred Stuffed Pelican.
- That's right.

Goats? Pelicans?

I think I'll skip college
and go to a zoo. (laughs)

Come over...
Come here, come here.

- Come here.
-(goat bleats)

No, no, I didn't want
the goat to hear this.

Oh. Back, back.

But, you see,
he's not allowed in here.

Guys, guys, cheese it!
My grandfather's coming!

- The campus cop?! -We can't
let him see the goat.

You've got to hide...

Oh, okay,
I'll hide in the bathroom.

- No, Al, the goat, not you.
- Oh, good idea.

- Come here, Fido. Here you go,
Fido! -Push! Push! -(bleating)

- Come on, Fido.
-(indistinct talking)

RICHIE:
Oh, Gramps, Gramps,

-what a surprise.
- Huh?

Oh, I want to introduce you
to Al Delvecchio.

Al, come here. This is
my grandfather, Sean Cunningham.

Now, that's a nose!

- Hey, Richie, Cap, Al.
- Oh, hello.

- I got business. I got a phone
call. Rochelle. -Oh, wait!

- Fonz, hey, Fonz!
- Fonz, no, Fonz!

Heyyy!

(goat bleats)

(door opens)

Get him out here.

Now, I don't care why he's here.

I don't know how you got him
in here.

I never thought I'd have
to make up a rule like this,

but here it is and memorize it:

no goats in my office.

Dig it?

(goat baas)

That's the stolen goat.

You two are under arrest.

Arrest?
(VEHJS)

Uh, Gramps,
you can't arrest these guys.

These two were apprehended
with stolen livestock.

Well, it's a... it's a gag,

a college prank.

Well, I-l see
what's going on now,

-just hijinks, is that it?
- POTSIE: Yeah, right.

Well, I-l got kind of
carried away, boys.

This is the first excitement
I've had

-since I've been on the job.
-(Potsie chuckles)

And I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna close my eyes
and count to three

and if you're still here,
you're under arrest.

- One, two, -Thank you, sir.
Thank you, thank you.

- Th ree.
-(goat bleats)

You're under arrest
for stealing a goat.

(chuckles)
N-Now, wait, Officer, you see,

what happened
is that the Beta Chi with the...

They left the goat.

Here I am, demoted
to being a-a goat shepherd.

Come on, come on. Come on.

(goat baas)

ls everything all right
on the job?

Everything is fine on the job.
I'm quitting.

Well, what happened?

What happened? Cap Cunningham,

reduced to arresting a goat?

- A goat?
- Yeah, goat.

I'm used to arresting people,
not animals.

The hijinks, the pranks.

Do me a favor, sonny, get me
a nice glass of warm milk,

and I'll go upstairs
and brush up on my checkers.

So that's it, huh?

You're giving up just like that.

What else do you want me to do?

I'm trying, I try-

Society today wants a man my age
to pack it in.

Oh, don't give me any of that.

There are people
a lot older than you

that have done big things
with their lives.

Yeah? Name one.

Thomas Edison.

Name two.

Winston Churchill,

Mark Twain, Albert Einstein.

And what about Grandma Moses,
huh?

She started a whole new life
for herself at .

She was years old
before she ever painted.

Sonny, I can't paint.

There are a lot of other things
you can do.

You could...
you could learn real estate,

you could go back to school
and become an accountant,

how 'bout that?

What's the sense
of learning something new?

They don't hire anybody today
over .

Yeah, you're right.

I'll tell you what, Dad,
I think maybe you just...

should go out and spend the rest
of your life

sitting in the park
and feeding the pigeons.

And then when people say to me,
"Whatever happened to your dad?"

it won't bother me
'cause I'll simply say,

-"Oh, haven't you heard?
He just gave up." -All right.

Or get yourself a room
at the Pfister Retirement Home.

Maybe you can find somebody else
to chip in with you,

get bulk rate bird seed.

Oh, I don't even know why
I waited up for you.

I'm going to bed.

Good night, Dad.

Good night.

(dance music playing)

'(swig ends)
- Hey! -(cheering)

Thank you! Thank you.

I have an announcement to make.

Will the owner of a gray Beetle
please go outside.

It just ran off with a ladybug.

(rimshot)

(indistinct chatter)

Thank you.

I thought you said
it was a surefire joke.

It is,
if you wear a rubber nose.

Hey, Gramps!

- Richie.
- Gramps, wh-what's going on?

- How do I look?
- Well, you look, uh...

-you look fine.
Y-You look terrific. -Good.

Why do you look terrific?

Richie, uh, my life took
a complete change today.

L-I'm gonna be a singer.

- A singer? Gramps,
you don't know anything -Yeah.

About show business.

Yeah, I know.
Isn't that exciting?

L-I mean, it's a whole new life.
I mean...

Uh, look, I got no time
to talk to you about...

I'll talk to you about it later.
I got to get ready.

- B-But, Gramps...
- Not now, Richie.

Yeah, but s-singing? I...

He's gonna sing.

- POTSIE: Hey, Fonz.
- RALPH: Hiya, Fonz.

Uh, Fonz? C-Can I just talk
to you for a minute, please?

You're interrupting my lips.

Well, this is very important.

All right, girls,
keep your lips moistened, huh?

All right,
what's the importantness?

My grandfather.

He's gonna be a singer.

Yeah, I just saw him. I think
that's great for Cap, huh?

Yeah, but he's gonna sing here.

I don't want him
to embarrass himself.

People are gonna laugh at him.

Do you know the extent
of his singing experience?

Me and Joanie on his knee,
him singing...

♪ Tippy, tippy toe, tippy toe ♪

Uh, Red, that's...

♪ Tippy, tippy tin, tippy tin ♪

No, no, Fonz. It's...
♪ Tippy, tippy toe, tippy toe ♪

That's...
♪ Tippy, tippy tin... ♪

Look at this. I'm arguing
in song. What am I, crazy?

Now, look, uh, the thing is,

I think it's great
for your grandfather.

It's gonna start his blood
going.

He's looking
for something new, huh?

- There you go.
- But, Fonz, he's gonna...

Now, look, just to ensure
that nobody laughs,

I'm gonna go to the booths and
I'm gonna say, "Don't laugh."

Oh, good. Thanks.

Don't laugh.

Right.

Listen up.

There's an elderly gentleman
gonna come out here

who's gonna sing a song.
He might be funny.

-(girls giggle)
- Hold it.

If you don't laugh,
there's a good sh*t you go,

each one of you,
to Inspiration Point with me.

Richard, where's Dad?

He left a note for us
to meet him here.

Yeah, he's here.
He's getting dressed in a tux.

- What?
- He's singing.

Well, I'm gonna put a stop
to this.

Ladies and gentlemen...

- I guess it's too late. Dad, you
might as well sit down. -Mm.

Don't order anything.
I hear they had a goat in here.

AL: I have a special treat
for you tonight

because making his debut
on this stage

is a wonderful entertainer.

The one, the only
Cap Cunningham!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much,
young people.

L-I hope we'll be able
to entertain you tonight.

You know, the most remarkable
thing happened to me.

I went out to the Pfister,
uh, Retirement Home.

You kids would be astounded

to learn how much good talent
just lying around in that home,

wasting away.

Well, I put a stop to that,

especially for these fellows
and myself.

So let's bring 'em out,
see if we can't entertain you.

- Come on out here, boys.
-(cheering and applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Now he's the boss again.

Just to let you know
who they are,

-on piano we have Raymond Brown
at age . -(drumroll)

Picking the banjo,
-year-old Frenchie LaSalle.

-(drumroll) -And our -year-old
bass player Russell Weathers.

-(drumroll) -The baby
of the group on trumpet--

-he's years old--
Bill Stumpp. -(drumroll)

And on trombone, Pete Collins.

-(drumroll)
- And at years of age,

our drummer is Sylvester Rice.

-(trombone toots)
- Oh, Al.

Al, uh-uh, Pete would like you

to-to turn the heat up
a little bit.

L-It helps his rheumatism.

Fellas, hit it.

("Way Down Yonder
in New Orleans" begins)

Yeah!

♪ Way down yonder
in New Orleans ♪

♪ In the land of dreamy dreams ♪

♪ There's a Garden of Eden ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ Creole babies
with laughing eyes ♪

♪ Gently whisper
their tender sighs, stop ♪

♪ You got to give
your lady fair ♪

♪ A little smile, stop ♪

♪ You bet your life
you're gonna ring the bell ♪

♪ A little While ♪

♪ There's a heaven
right here on earth ♪

♪ With those beautiful scenes ♪

♪ Way down yonder
in New Orleans ♪

This is Cap Cunningham's jive.

We are all geriatrics,
but we're still alive,

and we're talking
about going way down yonder in

♪ New Orleans... ♪

-(song ends)
-(cheering and applause)

Thank you very much. And I'm
very proud and happy to tell you

that I was
on the telephone today

and our group has been booked
for an extended tour

of, uh, East Sheboygan.

And, uh, that's just a start,
just a start.

Right now I'd like
to take advantage of you,

if you don't mind,
since you're so attentive.

I'd like to sing
a special old song

for a very special person

who convinced a...

tired old man

to start life anew.

Uh, Ray?

(piano playing)

♪ When there are gray skies ♪

♪ I don't mind the gray skies ♪

♪ 'Cause you make them blue ♪

♪ Sonny boy ♪

(other instruments join in)

♪ You're sent from heaven ♪

♪ And I know your worth ♪

♪ 'Cause you made a heaven ♪

♪ For me right here on earth ♪

♪ And when I'm old and gray,
dear ♪

♪ Promise you won't stray,
dear ♪

♪ For I love you so ♪

♪ Sonny... ♪

♪ Boy... ♪

(song ends)

(cheering and applause)

For you.

Come on, let's go.
Hit it, hit it!

-(playing "When the Saints Go
Marching In") -Hey! Yeah.

♪ Go marching in ♪

♪ When the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ I'm gonna be there ♪

♪ In that... ♪

MARION:
Oh, Dad,

-your singing was just
wonderful. -Well, that's just

the start. Give me...
give me a few more years

and I'll show you.

Well, good thing
you're going on the road

or Rich would be out of a job.
(chuckles)

Somehow I don't think
Gramps would want to play

for five dollars a night
and one free Arnoldburger.

Sometimes I wonder why I do.

Gramps, you just got here
and now you're leaving.

- I'm gonna miss you. -I'm gonna
miss you, too, pumpkin.

But, look, I'm gonna be here
over the weekend.

I don't leave until Monday,
so we'll have time together.

- We'll have some fun, huh?
I'll see you later. -Okay.

- See you back at the house...
- Yeah. Bye. -Good night.

- You were terrific.
- Thank you, Richie, thank you.

Well, listen, since you're gonna
be here for the whole weekend,

uh, why don't we pal
around together like we used to?

You know, maybe take in a Packer
game or build a snowman, huh?

That'd be nice.

. “?
“mm?

You sang terrific.

Come on. I want to take you down
and show you the hardware store.

Sonny...

BOTH:
I'd rather eat bark.

I know.

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours
and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪