05x23 - Richie's Girl Exposes the Cunninghams

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(organ solo plays over
rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

LORI BETH: Mrs. C.,
while Richie's upstairs,

I have to talk to you
about something.

Oh. Well.

Will you sit down?

Is anything the matter?

Whatever it is, my
son is a nice boy.

Oh, I know.

You see, I'm writing
this term paper...

Hi, I'm ho... Oh,
hi, sweetheart.

Lori Beth.

Hello, Mr. Cunningham.

(whispers): How are you, dear?

What's the whispering for?

Well, you see, Lori Beth
is writing this term paper.

(whispers): Oh, oh.

Well, what's it all about?

Is it an exposé on the
love life of J. Edgar Hoover?

Yes, why? Why are we whispering?

Well, sit down, Mr. Cunningham.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, honey...

You see, this paper is about

the typical American
middle class family.

And Richie doesn't
want me talking to you

or any of his pals
because he thinks I'm trying

to find out about
his old girlfriends.

I'm really not.

What, dear, is it exactly
that you want to know?

Can you tell me what is it
like to be middle class parents?

Well, it's just wonderful.

We get to share
our children's sad

and their happy
moments in their lives.

HOWARD: Uh, that's true.

Well, I'll tell you
about the happy.

There was this exciting
basketball game...

COACH: Cunningham,
come on out here.

Come on out!

ANNOUNCER:
Cunningham in for Calvert.

Ten seconds to go and
Jefferson is behind by one point.

PLAYER: Go!

Pass it! Pass it!

- sh**t it!
- (crowd shouting)

CROWD: Five, four, three, two...

(timer buzzes)

(crowd cheering)

HOST: For $ , ,

what major league
baseball player

was known as the
"Yankee Clipper"?

That's a snap.

It's too easy. It's
a trick question.

HOST: All right, for $ , ...

(crowd chattering, murmuring)

- Go, Richie.
- Come on, Richie, come on.

- Joe DiMaggio.
- (bell dings) -Correct!

You have just won $ , .

(crowd whoops, cheers)

I'm better with the sad.

You know, there was...
there was this time

when he was in the ROTC.

- Now that was something.
- Hm.

Forward, march.

Left, left... left, right, left.

I'm so proud.

- You should be.
- RICHIE: Left.

He's gonna be a great
leader. His men hate him.

(crowd applauds)

Left, left, left...

- Get back.
- (onlookers shouting)

You're pretty sick, huh son?

Well, it must have
been something I ate.

Probably a salami.

You never know what they make
salami out of, you know, Dad?

Yeah, that's true.

It couldn't be that you had
too much to drink, now, could it?

Oh, that's silly.

All we had was some beer in...

teeny-weeny glasses.

How many teeny-weeny
glasses did you have?

Seventy-two.

I think the tires are stuck.

Well, let's try rocking it.

Okay.

Hey, there's your Dad.

Oh, yeah, what a break.

Maybe he can give us a push.

- Richie! Richie!
- Help!

The car! Richie!

Richie!

Richie...!

GIRL: It's freezing!
Oh, I'm so cold!

GUY: The water's freezing.

Do you want to buy a car?

You know, truthfully, Lori Beth,

being a parent is also
a big responsibility.

I think the best thing parents
can do for their children

is to give them good advice.

You know, sort of help
them over the bumps.

Well, now, don't you
think that it's about time

that you had that
little talk with her?

Oh, Howard... why
don't you talk to her?

Me? Oh, no.

Come on, now, Marion.

That's your department.

My job is to have that
little talk with Richie.

And when the opportunity
comes up, I will.

You haven't talked
to Richard yet?

My father hasn't
talked to me yet.

Tough game.

A free throw.

I missed a lousy free throw.

Well...

You make a great
sh*t and you're a hero,

and you miss one and you're
just one of the many that tried.

Well, Dad, that's
not very comforting.

Look, Richard,

even the best of
them have bad games.

You know, like Ralph Branca
throwing up a home run ball

to Bobby Thomson
in the playoffs, and...

Mickey Owens
missing the third strike

and losing the World Series.

Yeah, but Dad, this
game was important.

Oh.

I'll tell you something,

I think you're being a
little too hard on yourself.

You know, after all, you
were a hero for a week.

You had your moment,

and that's more
than most people.

(Richie sighs)

Guess I just...
wanted it to go on.

I know.

Come on, let's go home.

- (Richie sighs)
- Here.

Have a Life Saver.
It'll make you...

HOWARD: A beauty
contest could be a lot of fun,

- I'll bet, huh?
- RICHIE and RALPH: Yeah.

But I do want to say that if
you're promising any prizes

you can't deliver...

you're both gonna
be in a lot of trouble.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

There are no prizes?

(gasps)

It's a fake!

You three boys trying
to fake beauty contests?

- (gasps) Let's get 'em!
- (shrieks)

POTSIE: Aah!

Chachi, could I
see you a minute?

A minute?

You got me for a lifetime, baby.

So, you finally gave
up old Carrot Top

for the Passionate Italian.

What was it, my hair tonic?

Chachi, I just
want to talk to you.

I'm writing this term paper.

About, uh, middle class, right?

Yeah, I wanted to
get your point of view.

What would I know
about middle class?

I mean, anybody who doesn't
live on my block is upper class.

(laughs)

Well, what about
the Cunninghams?

How do you get along with them?

Well, you know, they
think I'm a charming kid.

What else?

I'll tell you the truth.

I get along especially well
with the Cunningham women.

Wah, wah, wah.

Oh, yeah, the holiday
season is coming up

and this prune pitter
makes the perfect gift.

Oh, I already have
a gift for Howard.

Well, maybe Mother Kelp

could use a couple of these.

Snow White, you're
a vision of loveliness.

You and me, later.

I love older women.

Let's run away together.

How far can you run?

You got to be in : .

I'm, uh, Chachi Arcola.

A very... good
friend of Joanie's.

Who is on his way home.

Well, good night, everyone.

If you need me...
you know where I'll be.

All right, so you
don't want Richie

to know about this article.

I love college intrigue...

- (Lori Beth laughs)
- All right, look...

You want to know about
middle class families, huh?

You've come to the right person,

because I happen to
be an expert in this area.

Especially about the
Cunninghams, you know?

All right, get out
your little pencil,

I'm gonna tell you
about some feats.

Some of my feats that are
just gonna knock your socks off.

Let's start with my motorcycle.

(engine rumbling)

I'm worried Fonzie's
gonna break his neck.

No, he's not.

Well, what's all the excitement?

They're gonna jump over a shark!

POTSIE: He's ready
to make the jump.

(cheering)

(tires skid)

(screaming)

Am I dead?

Now, was that not a
superb bit of information?

That's really terrific, Fonz,

but I need some information
about the Cunninghams.

What are you talking about?

I wanted to be
in your story, too.

You are, but you're
not very middle class.

Whoa.

Come on, Fonz,

tell me something
about the Cunninghams.

Well, they are my favorite
subject, so, all right.

Tell me something special.

You want something special, huh?

All right.

Perk up your little ears,

'cause I'm gonna
tell you something

that nobody knows
about this family.

Nobody knows about?

You know, I'll tell
you something,

I love this family as if it
were my own, you know?

But they're, uh...

yeah, but they're not exactly
a typical middle class family.

Now keep this
under your bonnet...

but there are times when I
think that they might be wacko.

♪♪

Hi! We're home.

Shh.

We're not home?

(Richie laughs)

(imitating motorcycle engine)

Good night, Dad.

Oh, thanks, son.

I return it.

- Now, forehand.
- RICHIE: Go ahead.

- Backhand.
- MARION: And backhand.

JOANIE: And
return, and volley it.

And lob.

Oh, it's a lob, it's a lob.

I got it, I got it, okay...

- Can I smash it, Mom?
- Don't hit the lamp.

Okay, all right,
I'm gonna smash it.

All right, watch this. (grunts)

RICHIE and JOANIE: Aw.

Not even gonna try
and return it, huh, Fonz?

Why should I? It was out.

There's smoke coming
out of Fonzie's apartment!

- And I think he's there...
- A fire!

- Because I saw his bike.
- What'll we do?

- Wait a minute. Now don't panic.
- Oh.

Remember what
your father taught us.

- Cool heads.
- Oh... Right.

Each one of us has a job to do.

- I get the extinguisher.
- I-I get the ladder.

I get the axe, your father
calls the fire department.

- Right.
- Remember?

- Cool.
- Cool heads. -Cool.

(shouting): Fire!

We've got a fire!

BOTH: Come on
brother, don't be blue.

We're the tops, Phi Kappa Nu.

PKN, PKN.

We did it before, and
we can do it again! Hey!

That is a little strange.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
well, you know, I...

Eventually, you get
used to 'em, you know?

Now, the thing
is that right now,

I consider myself to be one
of the peas in their family pod.

You can write this down.

I like it. I really like it.

Yeah.

- Hey, Mr. C, Mrs. C?
- Hmm?

Come over here for a minute.

I'd like to ask you a
tremendous favor, okay?

Mm.

FONZIE: Nah, you'll
probably think it's real

silly, you know.

No. No, we won't.

Come on, what is it?

Oh, how I would love it

if you would be
my... godparents.

See, I-I told you you
would think it was silly.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

- I'll hire somebody.
- No, no.

MARION: Oh, no!

No, dear, we would be honored.

- Yeah?
- Kids, did you hear that?

- Yeah.
- I sure did.

And we'll do a good job,
we'll show no partiality.

You'll have to be home
at : , just like Richard.

(Richie clears his throat)

We will be proud to
be your godparents.

- (Howard chuckles)
- JOANIE: Yeah.

Yeah... yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Middle class families, huh?

Did I ever tell you
about Rosa Colletti?

Well, she was middle class.

- Probably still is.
- LORI BETH: Listen,

my paper's mostly
about the Cunninghams,

but I think I should
say something

about how the bachelor functions
in the middle class society.

Well, you can truthfully say

that the bachelor
is always there.

Always where?

In the thick of things.

You looking for a fight?

Wait, wait. Boys, please.

Come on, no fighting.

This is St. Patrick's Day.

Parades, gaiety, smiley faces

with all the teeth showing.

I'll tell you what
I'm going to do...

A free hamburger to
whoever doesn't fight.

Hey, what are we fighting about?

You heard the man.

- Free grub. -Hey.
- Thanks, boss.

- (overlapping chatter)
- Thanks, man.

I thought there
were just two of you.

Your informant
will be in the alley.

Huh?

You won't speak to
him, you won't see him.

All you'll see
is his silhouette.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Get up here, huh?

All right, are you ready?

(Richie clears his throat)

You see, it's all fuzzy,
and it's a smart dog.

Eats only Arnold burgers.

Hey, hey, it's my
dog. I'll describe her.

She's about one, six,
and she's about, uh, hairy.

- Yeah?
- And-and female.

Yeah?

And-and... and she
looks like this right here.

Look at that. She got...
she got droopy cheeks.

Droopy cheeks. Yeah.

- Sad eyes, you know?
- Sad eyes. Sad eyes.

(clears throat)

Think that does it.

How's that?

(scoffs) A paper on
middle class families.

Boy, I'm glad I didn't
get stuck with that one.

Tell me about your family, Pots.

Oh, they're really nice.

Except maybe my father.

Oh, hey, Adriana,
we already met.

My name's Potsie. Uh...

you get gas at my
father's station? Hi.

Hi, I didn't know
Mr. Weber had a son.

He doesn't tell anyone.

We're going to have
to pay more rent now.

Aw, that's okay.

My dad will pay anything
to keep me out of the house.

At home, my pop makes
me eat on paper plates.

My pop makes me
eat out on the porch.

Well, Mr. C, don't give up yet.

I'm gonna talk some
more to my dad.

Yeah, I'm gonna
talk to my dad, too.

It'll be the first
time in six months.

So, you don't want
me to tell Richie

that you spoke to me
about your term paper, huh?

I can see why he'd be jealous.

Ralph, I'm just writing a story.

Yeah, I know.

About middle class.

All right, all right.

Just tell me something.

Why do you want to talk about
the Cunninghams, anyway?

I have a great family.
Look at my father and me.

You know, we have
a great relationship.

You're really gonna like my dad.

- And you know why?
- No.

'Cause he's just
like me. (laughs)

- Hiya, Ralph.
- Hiya, Pop.

Sorry to keep
you fellas waiting.

I accidentally fell
into my lens grinder

and made a spectacle of myself.

(laughter)

- My boy, Ralphie, huh?
- Right, Pop.

- Right.
- MR. MALPH: Well, we better

hit the road, Ralphie.

- Okay, Dad.
- Uh!

- Let's give 'em one.
- Okay, Dad.

Hey, Dad,

you know, I just
came back from Africa,

and I played cards
with the natives.

Zulus?

No, I won.

BOTH: Hah-cha-cha!

Oh.

(laughter)

Hey, Pop?

Pop, I'm leaving.

- (shrieks)
- Oh!

(laughter)

You did it again, Ralph.

I... I still got it, Pop.

(Mr. Malph chuckles)

Hey, hey, let's go home
and scare your mother.

All right.

It's okay, Lori Beth.

I checked upstairs.
Richie's not there.

Okay, good.

Now, tell me, Joanie.

What is it like growing
up in this environment?

It was nice. Real nice.

To me, it was a... great
learning experience.

FONZIE: Listen, we got a little

problem here... I'm sure
that we can all solve it.

Yeah.

I think that if...

if you want to solve
this problem, I...

I've always wondered
what it looked like in here.

It's a lot bigger
than I thought.

I think I'll just wait outside.

Joanie, wouldn't you
rather watch television?

No, this is fine.

Oh, Joanie, why don't you go
in the kitchen with your folks?

Yeah, why don't you go in
there and see what they're doing?

Maybe they'd like
to watch television.

(sing-songy):
Richie's gonna neck.

Richie's gonna neck.

Oh, you guys are
really mi... Wow!

(Marion clears her throat)

What's going on out there?

The same thing
that's going on in here.

Let's go, Rhonda.

The coast is clear.

My sister's asleep, and my
folks won't be home for hours.

(high-pitched laughing)

No, no, no...

not here.

We'll go up to my room.

Don't wake up my little sister.

She'd want to watch.

Whoop! (laughs)

You can't even
wait, you little devil.

(Richie yells, Joanie screams)

Oh, well, good
luck with your paper.

Thanks.

Um, and listen...

if you tell really
juicy stories about us,

maybe they'll print
it in Confidential.

(Lori Beth laughs)

(Richie mocks
Lori Beth's laughter)

Richie!

So you're writing the
article anyway, huh?

Oh, boy, I asked you. I...

Well, I'll bet you
everybody's telling you

all about my old
girlfriends now, aren't they?

Richie, I don't want to know
about your old girlfriends.

Yeah, sure. All right,
I'll tell you myself.

It's better that way.

It may sting a little, bucko,
'cause there were plenty of 'em.

I, uh... I guess this
is good night, then.

Uh-huh.

(doorbell buzzing)

I had a nice time anyway.

WOMAN: Who is it?

Oh.

Hi. Uh, I was wondering

if you could settle a bet
that my friends and I have.

See, we each bet five bucks

on what flavor
lipstick you're wearing.

Which is it?

Well...

why don't you figure
it out for yourself?

Strawberry.

Run for your life. That chick's
father's coming up the stairs.

- Oh, my God! He'll k*ll me!
- Oh...

All right, all right, just
cool it, cool it, cool it, cool it.

- Get dressed.
- Right.

- Where is your coat?
- My coat's right over...

- It's in the bed!
- That's my boy! That...

Oh... (grunts)

Just thought I'd... drop in.

You know... you
have a very nice viola.

(doorbell buzzing)

The doorbell keeps ringing.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's-it's me again.

I have a habit of
leaning... (sighs)

I'll be right in, Mom.

All right. It's very
nice to have met you.

Nice meeting you.

Your father has a
lovely hardware store.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, wait. No!
Don't do that! Hey!

Fonzie, a girl just threw
w*r and Peace at me!

Hit me in the head!

(Richie groans)

You really like kissing, huh?

No, it's the steering
wheel... It's k*lling my hip!

- My knee!
- Sorry.

Get back in the front seat!

Here we go... Stand
over there, so...

I guess this is,
uh, good night now.

RICHIE: Oh.

Bet you're sorry

you asked old smooth
Cunningham about his girlfriends now.

Richie, I didn't want to know
about your old girlfriends.

You didn't have to tell me.

I mean, you had old girlfriends
just like I had old boyfriends.

Right. Well...

You had old boyfriends?

Sure I did.

So what?

Now we have each other.

Yeah.

Let's study.

Yeah, let's study.

(Richie clears his throat)

Chapter . (sighs)

Chapter .

- Let's take a break.
- Right.

How many old boyfriends?

BOTH: Never mind.

And it's my conclusion that
the typical American family

is alive and well and
living in Milwaukee.

Now that dinner's over,
let's try out the piano.

- Oh.
- Good.

I am taking requests.

(plays flourish)

How about "Rock
Around The Clock," Mom?

That's a little after
my time, Joanie.

Yeah. Sweetheart, play
my favorite, will you?

"Moonlight Bay"?

(plays chord)

- "Moonlight Bay" coming up.
- (plays intro)

♪ ...long ♪ That's it.

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ Not the river, but the bay ♪

(in harmony): ♪ We could
hear the voices singing ♪

♪ They seemed to say ♪

♪ Seemed to say, seemed to say ♪

♪ You have stolen my heart ♪

♪ Now don't go 'way... ♪

I love middle class families.

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪