05x26 - Rules to Date By

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Happy Days". Aired: January 15, 1974 – July 19, 1984.*
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Set during the 1950's, the series revolves around teenager Richie and his family who owns a hardware store and Fonzie, who would eventually become Richie's best friend.
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05x26 - Rules to Date By

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I


♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling
all week long ♪

(organ solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Happy and free I
- S Oh, baby I


♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! I

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

♪ What happened to ♪

♪ That funny face ♪

♪ My little tomboy now ♪

- ♪ With satins and lace ♪
- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪

♪ I can't believe my eyes ♪

♪ You're just a teenage dream ♪

♪ Happy birthday, sweet ♪

♪ Wah-ooh I

- ♪ When you were only six ♪
- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪

♪ I was your big brother ♪

- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪
- ♪ When you were only ten ♪

- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪
- ♪ We didn't like each other ♪

♪ ]L' Ah... l'

♪ When you were ♪

♪ You were my funny valentine ♪

♪ But now you've grown up,
the future is sewn up ♪

♪ From now on,
you're gonna be mine ♪

♪ So if I should smile ♪

♪ With sweet surprise ♪

♪ It's just
that you've grown up ♪

- ♪ Before my very eyes ♪
- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪

♪ You've turned
into the prettiest girl ♪

♪ I've ever seen ♪

♪ Happy birthday, sweet ♪

♪ Happy birthday,
sweet . ♪

(all cheering, whooping)

Great, Potsie, great!

Oh, wasn't that great?

That was our own velvet cloud,
Potsie Weber,

wrapping up
this afternoon's festivities.

But before you go,
we have a special announcement

from Al Delvecchio,

the man who made indigestion
a household word.

AL:
Oh, Richie.

RICHIE:
We're just kidding you, Al.

Okay, I just want to say
that for the next two weeks,

Arnold's will be closed
because I'm going to California

to visit my cousin Josephine.

She's the one who introduced me
to Rosa Coletti.

Did I ever tell you
about Rosa Col...?

Al, Al, not now.

Ju-Just tell 'em about
the Blue Ox Inn, will you?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Right.

Now, if you want
to have some fun

when we're closed here,
you know, this weekend

Leather Tuscadero and the Suedes
will be appearing

at the Blue Ox Inn.

Now, that's about miles north
on Highway , thank you.

Oh, uh, well, now...
(laughs)

Don't forget that backing up

Leather and the Suedes
will be us.

(laughs)
We...

The-the band. We're gonna...

(grunts)

They never applaud.

AL:
You really should get a name.

Yeah.

Where's Fonzie?

He went to buy
some camping equipment.

You know, the Fonz has been
acting awfully tense lately.

Well, yeah, he's tense,
but we're going north

to play the Blue Ox Inn,
not Yellowstone Park.

You know, he's taking Blossom.

The Bunny
from Happy Harry's Hutch?

- Yeah, yeah.
- RICHIE: Ah.

- She's relaxing.
- POTSIE AND RALPH: Yeah!

Well, I'm gonna go get my girl.

You know, we were supposed
to have a date tonight.

You guys mind packing up
the instruments?

- Sure. -Nah, we'll pack
up the instruments.

We always pack up
the instruments.

How are you gonna pack a piano?

In a big suitcase.
(laughs)

(laughter)

(laughs)

(clears throat)
Lori Beth?

I'm free to dance at last.

You really want to dance?

Yeah, I want to dance.

I've been looking forward to it
all night long.

Yeah, I've been up there
playing all night, you know?

I've got the rhythm in my feet.
I've got to go.

Okay, okay.

But I'm really tired.

Oh, yeah, well,
sure you're tired.

Why wouldn't you be tired?

You've been dancing
with every guy in the place.

It wasn't every guy.

You said I could dance
while you played.

Yeah, I said you could dance.

But not with a partner.

All right, now,
come on, come on.

I'd like to, but I have
to go meet Herbie Root.

Herbie Root?

He broke up with Belinda, and I
promised her I'd talk with him.

Oh, come on,
talk to him tomorrow.

I can't. He's waiting. He's...

I can't leave him standing
on the street corner.

You can't leave me
standing at Arnold's!

Criminy!

Can we talk about it later?

Yeah, you bet we'll talk
about this later.

Tomorrow, okay? I'll meet you
right here a half hour

before we go to the roadhouse.

All right, you'd better be here.

And you'd better be ready to do
some fast talking, woman!

(all cheer)

JOANIE: What are you reading,
Peyton Place?

No, dear.

It's called Feminine Mystique.

- Hmm.
- You know, Joanie?

Men have been taking advantage
of us for too long now.

Huh!

You're telling me.

David makes me pay for my sodas.

Well, that's good.
See, that's good.

Women should be allowed
to pay for their own sodas.

They should be free
to do what they want to.

Well, I want to be free

to make David pay for my sodas.

Hello, dear.

Hi, Rich. Bye.

Hi, Joanie. Bye.

We're getting closer and closer
all the time.

Richard?

- Lori Beth called for you.
- Mm-hmm?

We had a very nice chat and
I think you're being a stinker.

- A stinker?
- Yes.

Me? Did she tell you that?

Bet she's been saying
that all over town.

Well, the way you treated her,
it's a wonder that she isn't.

What? The way I treated her?!

Mom, I invited her
up to the Blue Ox Inn.

- And then she starts going...
- Hello, Howard.

Hello, loved ones.

Daddy's home.

What's for dinner, sweetheart?

Hi, Dad.

- Richard.
- Mom, what you don't realize is,

she's so busy being friendly
to every guy around,

she has no time at all for me.

Eh, dinner, Marion?

Well, you can have
whatever's on the menu, dear.

It's Lori Beth's life, dear.

She has every right to do
whatever she wants with it.

Menu? We have a menu now?

What about me, Mom?

I'm a person, too.

Uh, no menu here, Howard.
We're going out for dinner.

Richard, Richard,
women, women aren't puppets.

It's, uh, chapter eight.

I never called
Lori Beth a puppet.

Did you ever hear me
use the word "puppet"?

What have puppets
got to do with dinner?

Oh, Howard, I am reading
the most interesting book.

Marion, did you bring home
a puppet cookbook?

No, no, dear.

No, this is called
Feminine Mystique.

And it says in here
that it's time

that women stopped letting men
take advantage of them.

Lori Beth has been taking
advantage of me.

She's the stinker, Mom.

Aw, boy!

HOWARD:
Oh, I'm a little confused.

I guess
I've been working too hard.

Listen, we'll discuss this
while you're making dinner.

Did you hear that, Richard?

Men are not the only ones

who work hard,
Howard Cunningham.

After I fix your breakfast
in the morning,

who do you think clears
the table and washes the dishes

and scrubs the floor in there?

And dusts and vacuums and,
and does the laundry,

irons your shirts
and mends your socks?

And then chauffeurs
Joanie around?

And that does the shopping,
and then starts all over again

so she can have dinner for you
when you come home

from hanging around
the hardware store all day?

Who, Howard? Who?

I got a terrific idea.

Let's go out to dinner, Marion.

I'll get my coat.

RALPH: All right, all we got
to do is pack the car.


Yeah, they already have
a piano up there.

No kidding?

I thought I was gonna have
to carry it up on my key chain.

-(both laugh)
- Good one.

How's that, Ralph?

Not bad, Chachi,
you almost got it now.

Boy, I can't wait
till the Blue Ox Inn tonight.

Roadhouse girls!

Pots, stick with me,
the old Malph charm.

The girls are gonna
be begging to be with us.

All right.

- Hey, Fonz.
- Hey, Fonz.

All right, let's break camp.

I'm ready to go and, uh, commune
with nature right here.

You know what I mean?

Meet Mother Nature
and everything.

I got me one of these,
I'm ready to rough it.

That-That's all you got, Fonz?

Just a Kn*fe?

What are you talking about,
a Kn*fe?

This is a fork, it's a spoon.

There's several bottle openers.

I got a saw in here.

I could build myself a raft.

It's got scissors.

And-and somewhere in here is
a roll of bathroom tissue,

I'm sure.

No kidding?

Let's see.

It was a joke, Potsie.

Don't you understand humor?

What's happening to me?

You see that?

I'm all tensed up
and everything like that.

It's 'cause I played
with too many small motors.

I got to get out of here.

I got to meet Mother Nature
face-to-face, you know?

Take a walk through them woods
or something like that.

Like that guy
Joyce Kilmer once said.

Joyce? A g UV?

(laughs)

I'm having a moment here, Chach.

Like that guy
Joyce Kilmer once said,

I don't think
I will ever see nothing

quite as beautiful as a tree.

Hi, Fonz, I'm ready.

Well, of course, uh,

Mr. Kilmer never saw
Blossom here, huh?

Hey, Fonz, who you dating?

- An army surplus store?
-(both laugh)

Kidding... kidding, Fonz!
A little backpack humor.

She's beautiful, like a tree,
Fonz, great limbs.

(laughs)

Come on, guys. We're all packed.

- Help with the drums.
- Lori Beth, you're cute.

- Hey, Lori Beth.
- Hi, guys. Seen Richie?

No, but we've got
to get out of here fast.

Al's closing. Right, Al?

Yeah, yeah.
Looking for Richie?

- Yeah.
- He's in the men's room.

Trying not to look pathetic.

I'll get him.

Thanks, Al.

I heard, Al. Thank you.

Where have you been?

I've been waiting for you
for a half an hour.

- I'm sorry I'm late.
- What were you doing?

Helping some Boy Scout cross
the street or something?

No, I had to stay
after my modern dance class.

I was helping Jean Pierre

with his tour jetés.

With his What?

Oh, it's a dance expression.

He was helping me
with my rond de jambes.

My leg exercises.

I can't believe you let
a man named Jean Pierre

touch your leg like that.

Rich, we were just dancing.

Let me tell you something.

After class, leg-touching
does not count as dancing.

Boy, are you something.

Why do you think that just
because I help a guy out,

he has an ulterior motive?

Because I understand guys,
Lori Beth.

I happen to be a guy
and I know that...

I can do my own coat, thank you.

And let me tell you something.

One of these days
you're gonna run into a guy

who thinks your friendliness
is a come-on.

And then,
little girlie, you're gonna

find yourself in hot soup.

Boy, are you strange.

No, not strange. Sick.

You sure are.

No, I'm sick and tired
of you making friends

with every guy
who walks through the door.

- I've just about had it.
- Fine!

Look, if you're going
to hassle me

just because I have
male friends,

then maybe
we shouldn't go out anymore.

All right. All right,
that suits me just fine.

- Then it's over.
- It's over.

What about going up
to the Blue Ox?

Why don't you ask Pierre,
the leg-toucher?

I've already been asked
by Richie, the nitpicker.

Nitpicker?

Come on, Richie.

Let's not argue. It's over.

We've both been looking forward
to this evening for a long time.

All right, all right. Fine.

We'll drive up there together--
no obligations.

We'll have our own good time,

separate, alone.

- That's fine with me.
- Hi. ls everything all right?

- J ust g reat!
- Terrific!

(sighs) Well, I'm gonna take off
for the bus station.

I want to get there early,

because I want
to get a window seat.

Nobody's here.

MAN:
Close but not close enough.


You're buying the drinks.

What a ride!

Well, you should have put
the chains on the back tires,

not the front.

So, on the way home,
we'll drive backwards.

Hey, Malph, get a load of this,
real woodsy.

Yeah, great place
to take a termite to dinner.

(Potsie laughs)

Hey, Chach, Rich and Lori Beth
make up?

Are you kidding?

They were fighting
all the way here.

She'd turn up the heat,
he'd roll down the window.

Up and down, up and down.

My feet were burning
and my teeth were chattering.

- I was hot.
- Well, I was cold.

How could you be cold when the
window was only open an inch?

All right, all right,
don't make a scene here.

I am not making a scene here.

My, isn't this charming?

(mocking):
My, isn't this charming?

Whoa! It's a log cabin,
just like my syrup can.

I can open my own case,
thank you.

Fonzie, aren't you gonna do
anything about those two?

Hey, my beautiful Blossom,

the Fonz does not meddle
in the battle of the sexes, huh?

Come on. Let's go out there and
shake hands with Mother Nature.

How about we take a,
a beautiful long walk

through the woods, huh?

- Just you and me, huh?
-(Blossom clears throat)

Are there any wild animals
out there?

No. Well, just one.

It's wearing
a long, red plaid scarf.

Whoa!

(wind whistling)

Come on, guys, let's get started
setting up, okay?

- All right, yeah, yeah.
- Sure, sure.

- Hey, Leather.
- Hi, Leather. -Hey, Leather.

- Hey, guys.
- Gotcha!

- Hey, you made it.
- Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, for a while there,

I thought you got lost
or something.

Well, we would have made it
soonen

-but the huskies couldn't pull
the car. -(all laugh)

Humor for all seasons.


Yeah, I know, I know it's
a little bit out of the way,

but I'm doing it as a favor
for an old friend.

Oh, yeah? Who's your friend,
Smokey the Bear? Another one!

I'm hot tonight.

No, it's Ma Hopkins.

She used to be in reform school
with me, as a cook.

And now she's making
a go of this place.

RALPH:
Oh, yeah?

Hey, where are the Suedes?

- What, Millie and Tillie?
- Yeah.

They're in the kitchen
making chili.

- b*at ya!
- You did, you did.

(triangle rings)

Oh, that's her.
Dinner's ready.

Come on. I'll show you
where to put your things,

and then we can get
a bite to eat.

BOTH:
I'm not hungry.

I am. I love chili.

Hey, Malph, free food.

(grunts)

Are you all right?

Ah, just a splinter,
little lady.

Aw. Here, here, don't do that!

I'll pull it out.
I have long nails.

Wait a minute.
Lori Beth, long nails?

I don't think...

Look... do you really have
to do this?

Ah. Thanks. That feels better.

We'll go to the kitchen.
I'll wash it off.

We're going to the kitchen
to wash my hands.

Who do you think you are,
Florence Nightingale?

POTSIE: For a final number,
Leather Tuscadero!

-(song ends)
-(whooping, whistling)

Thank you.

Well, that's our last number
for tonight,

and as you can see, it's, uh,
snowing pretty hard out there.

(chuckling):
Snowing.

LEATHER (laughing):
So be...

so be careful on your way home.

But before you go,
how about a big hand

for Millie and Tillie,
the Suedes.

(cheering, whooping)

And... the band.

(light clapping)

(quietly):
Listen, you guys, you really...

ALL:
Got to get a name.

Okay, so you'll be able
to get the tow truck here

just as soon as you can?

-(wind howling)
- Oh, great.

Uh-huh.

- Oh, yeah, great.
- Where is everybody?

Uh, excuse me. Well, uh,
they went back in Ralph's car.

Mine broke down.

-(wind howling) -Yeah, right,
I'm at the Blue Ox Inn, and...

- Pretend we're together.
- Lori Beth, what is

your problem?

- That's the problem.
- Huh? Well, e-excuse me.

Yeah. Right.
Yeah, yeah, I got to go.

Thanks a lot. Bye.

Ah. Hey, you country guys
are real nice.

Yeah, I just talked to a guy,
Jed, do you know him?

- He's a wonderful guy.
- Richie... (chuckles)

he wants to pull me
through the snow by my hair.

Come on outside, little lady.

-(gasps) -You and me
got some funning to do.

Hey, wait a minute!

You can't just carry off
my girl like that.

Are you with this
skinny little guy?

Yeah, she's with
this skinny little guy!

And you better put her down
right now or else, bucko!

Oh, boy, a fight.

I thought I was
gonna have to go all night

without getting
to punch some heads in.

-(wind howling) -FONZIE:
Whoa, let me tell you something,

Ralph's car is broken down,
you know? Uh...

What are you doing, Red?

He's shaking me, Fonz.

Wait, wait! Whoa!

I'm glad you're here.

You picked a fight
with a red and black tree?

Here, this'll help even it up.

Wait a minute,
I don't want to play with this.

This is dangerous here.

RICHIE:
Oh.

Oh, Fonz, that was good,
that was good.

Good? The man is a mountain.

What are you talking, good?

All right, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it.

You know what's wrong here?
I'll tell you what's wrong.

I see it now.
You're too tense.

Yeah. Loosen up.
Open those fingers up.

Yeah, shake 'em out.

Don't that feel good! Whoo!

Yeah. Hey, listen, let me ask
you a very important question.

Have you lived here
all your life?

Yeah, I guess.

Have you ever seen
a blue jay in the snow?

I'm talking about a blue jay
with its wings spread out,

nestled... in that
blanket of white, going,

(high-pitched):
"Caw, caw, caw."

Caw?

Yeah, let's go. Come on.

Here we go.
I'll show it to you right now.

There we go.

- Hello.
- Are you sure?

Am I sure? Would ljosh
a very sensitive man like you?

Hey, come on.

Are you nuts?!

Richie, what is going on?

That is great strategy.

See, Fonz is gonna lure
that guy out into the snow.

He's gonna say,
"Here, look at the blue jay."

The guy's gonna look up,
and then whap, hoo, faw!

We're gonna nail that guy.

Richie, he's so big!

Yeah. But not for the two of us.

I think.

(Richie yells)

Richie!

An icicle.

Boy, look
at this little dickens.

- Isn't it beautiful?
- Oh, yeah.

I'll tell you something,
I'll bet you've looked at those

all your life, but you never
really saw it like this, huh?

I mean, just look
at the colors- the ice blue,

the white and everything.
Why don't you take it

over to the fire there
and watch it melt?

Yeah, then we'll
put it all back together.

Yeah, whatever you say.

Okay.

Why'd you jump on his back?
He's a mountain.

Well, it was just embarrassing.

The man hung me in a tree.

Well, he took you down.

Are you siding with him, Lori
Beth? Are you starting again?

- Are you gonna side with...?
- All right, hold it, hold it,

hold it!

I am tired of listening
to you two bicker.

You know what I mean?
Now, you...

right here, you got to choose

who you're
gonna be friendly with,

'cause not every guy
is a gentleman like me.

And, you, you got
to let her have some friends

of the opposite gender,
you know? That's only polite.

You know what I mean?
All right, now it's settled.

So kiss and make up.

Pucker up.

Now, don't that feel
much better?

We're gonna go over to the,
uh, fire and finish making up.

- Hey, I think that's
a great idea. -Come on.

FONZIE:
All right.

That was beautiful, Fonzie.

It's all gone.
I'm gonna go out

and see if I can find some more.

- I almost forget.
- FONZIE: What'd you forget?

- Your application.
- For what?

It's for our annual
Punch in the Face Festival.

(laughing):
Punch in the Face Festival.

Come early.
You get the best faces that way.

Do you?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Last year he told me
that his sister won.

Whoa!

Listen, I got to go out there

'cause I got to dig Malph's car
out of the snow, all right?

Blue jays, the Fonz is comin'!

(birds chirping)

I love that they love me.

Whoa!

II

Finished the dishes.

I'm going over
to Jenny Piccalds.

Oh, oh, Mom, can, Jenny borrow
your Feminine Mystique book?

- No.
- Certainly, d...

Aw, Dad, don't be such a prude.

She's already read
Forever Amber anyways.

See you, kids.

I wish you never heard
of that silly book, Marion.

It's not a silly book, Howard.

It, it just says
that women have rights.

Well, I took you out to dinner--
what else do you want?

Well...

(whispering inaudibly)

Oh, come on, Marion, we haven't
done that in a long time.

Oh, come on, Howard,
let's live it up.

Well...

You know what, Howard?

What?

I'm gonna have a banana split!

And I'm gonna have tutti-frutti.

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days!

♪ Good-bye, gray sky,
hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ These days are ours ♪

- I Share them with me I
- S Oh, baby I


♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days!
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