Xena?
You Dexon?
You lookin' to die?
What is this?
Some kind of a trick?
I come in peace.
Right-- and I'm Cupid--
spreading love wherever I go.
What do you really want?
To see you give up
your warrior ways.
The v*olence that you
thrive on is a disease, Dexon.
It grows inside you.
And it robs you of your humanity.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
It is-- but it doesn't
have to be that way.
We can put aside our differences.
We can bury our weapons.
We can learn to live
together in peace.
I'm willing to do
whatever it takes--
to sacrifice everything.
You've got a Kn*fe stashed
under that breastplate.
Dexon-- maybe this will
convince you to trust me.
Look at me, Dexon.
See me as I truly am--
not a warrior, but a champion
of peace-- willing to die for it.
I'm moved-- truly.
I hardly know what to say, except--
grab her!
Isn't that Xena?
They're going to burn
her at the stake!
Have you lost your mind?
What are you doing?
These people are going to k*ll you.
I am not afraid to die.
Not if it is Hestia's will.
Hestia?
The virgin goddess?
What does she have to do with
the price of grapes in Carthage?
She is my salvation.
I do as she ordains.
- Since when?
- All right, boys--
light her up!
Here-- catch!
Hey!
I get it.
This is about me bugging you
for more responsibility, isn't it?
You wanna see if I can rescue you
without your help. I can do that.
Excuse me.
Get the girl!
Let me go!
Son of a Bacchae!
You happy now?!
Of all the stubborn--
pig-headed-- !
Hey! What do you
think you're doing?!
None of your business--
Tubby.
That's right, I'm talking to you.
Come here!
Thanks.
I guess you're not gonna
help me with this, either.
Well-- if it is Hestia's will, uh--
I'm not laughing!
You're dead!
It wasn't me; it was her!
Stop them!
Go!
Come back here, you!
Toward the left! Go! Hurry!
They must've gone this way!
You almost got us k*lled!
What were you thinking?
I'm on a mission.
A mission?
Well, you had better fill me in.
Because, this, this--
burning yourself
at the stake stuff
is way over the top.
Hey!
You left your chakram
at the square!
Yeah, well, you're
gonna have to get it!
Unless you want me to do it.
My child, you seem
a little troubled.
'Troubled' is a polite
word for what I am!
Callisto--
you've come back somehow,
to drive me insane!
Pr-- Princess Diana--
I-I should have known, I--
Meg?
You really had me going.
You're not Meg.
Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Leah-- head priestess
of the temple of Hestia.
You're kidding me, right?
No.
A Hestian virgin?
Are there any other sort?
This is almost too good.
In a time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
She was Xena...
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
...The power...
...The passion...
...The danger...
Her courage will
change the world...
[font color="#d "]Warrior... Priestess... Tramp[/font]
Hi, Xena.
Hi. Sorry, I didn't catch up
with you today.
I ran into Zagreus
near Corinth.
Said he'd assembled a new army.
Turns out to be an imaginary
one worse than--
What are you grinning at?
You see, I ran into
someone in town.
Someone really, really interesting.
At least, I think you'll
find her interesting.
Xena, for once,
can you just-- just play along?
All right.
Gee, Gabrielle,
who is it?
I simply have to know.
The suspense is k*lling--
Diana.
Nope.
Meg.
That's wrong again.
You give up?
Xena, Warrior Princess,
meet Leah--
the priestess--
the Hestian priestess.
The Hestian virgin priestess.
Ye gods on Mt. Olympus.
It's a miracle.
Let's join hands and
praise Hestia!
Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia!
Praise Hestia! Praise--
So, you-- cast these stones,
and they told you to
confront Dexon.
Oh, not just stones.
Hestian stones,
the voice of the goddess herself.
What about that outfit?
I found this vile garment
in my chamber-- no offense.
None taken.
I took it as a sign
from the goddess--
dress like a warrior
to confront a warrior.
I had no idea I'd
be mistaken for you.
Then, you always listen to Hestia.
Well, of course.
It's not my place to question
the wisdom of the goddess.
We must all place
our faith in Hestia.
Do I sense a non-believer among us?
I just think that you'd do better
if you put more faith in yourself.
Well-- looks like
someone's caught
a speeding chariot
straight for Tartarus.
What about you, Gabrielle?
Surely, you place more
faith in the all-knowing,
ever-powerful gods than
you do in yourself.
Yeah.
Actually, I'm with
Xena on this one.
Heathens to the left of me;
infidels to the right.
Tremendous.
Next thing, you'll be telling
me you're not virgins.
Can I have a word with you?
Excuse us, Priestess?
Oh, yes, I think I'm in need
of a little quiet reflection.
Oh, Hestia.
If denying the flesh is the path
to true righteousness,
then what lessons can I learn
from these wanton strumpets?
You don't have to be
a virgin to be virtuous.
Oh, yes. You keep
telling yourself that, dear.
Something is wrong, here.
I'll say. I thought all Hestians
were sweet and kind and--
Never mind that.
Someone is using Leah's blind
devotion and me to do her harm.
Maybe even to k*ll her.
We should take her
back where she belongs,
and get to the bottom of this.
And how can I pass
your wisdom on to
these women of
questionable virtue--
who so obviously disregard
the purity of their own bodies.
I was married at the time.
Yes, well, we all have our
little excuses, don't we?
Were you?
Virgins only.
What is it, written on
my forehead?
Look, it's all right.
My friend and I have
brought back Priestess Leah.
What are you talking about?
The Priestess is right there.
And now, the Priestess Leah
will lead us all in a prayer.
OK-- so let's kick off today's
ceremony with a parable.
A centaur and a cyclops
go into a bar.
And the bartender
says to the cyclops--
Is there a problem, huh?
Everyone is waiting here
to hear Hestia's divine message.
The Hestian stones, your Eminence.
Well-- now we're talkin'.
Come in, seven!
Priestess needs new sandals.
That's Meg.
Well, it sure ain't no virgin.
I couldn't help overhearing.
If you're looking for Meg,
she owns a tavern down the road.
Catch you there later?
Don't count on it.
OK, girls-- be honest.
Who among us here,
really is a virgin?
Xena, what is she up to?
I don't know,
but I'm goin' to find out.
Take Leah to that tavern.
She'll be safe there if
you disguise her as Meg.
But, why would I need a disguise?
A Hestian virgin is
welcome everywhere.
Wait, now, where are you going?
To talk to an old friend.
I knew there'd be something
to drink around here.
Hello, Meg.
What are you doing here?
I could ask you the same thing.
You got some nerve, Priestess.
Abandoning your flock just
when they needed ya.
And a woman of the cloth.
Probably out sewing your wild oats.
Ya make me sick.
Go on, get outta here!
You don't wanna be doing that, Meg.
So, the little virgin wants
to play rough, huh?
How'd you like a trip to
Mt. Olympus, courtesy
of my fist?!
Hello, Xena.
Hello, Meg.
Oh, very well, I will play
the part of the retched lush, Meg
but I hardly think
anyone will be fooled.
Yes, they will.
You really are a very nice,
albeit misguided--
young person, Gabrielle.
It's a great pity I didn't
get hold of you sooner.
You would've made
an excellent Hestian.
Thanks.
I don't think so.
Well, the chaste
life's not so bad.
Once you get used to it.
You simply have to
follow the Hestian rules.
Rule : Know thyself.
Rule : Whatever--
Believe me.
If I have to go the rest of
my life without companionship,
knowing myself
won't be a problem.
There you go-- you're done!
Can you look-- sexy?
Alluring?
Do I capture her essence?
Yeah.
It's not going to be
as hard as I thought.
So, Balius comes to
me with a sob story
that Leah's disappearance
deserted those poor girls--
I mean, virgins.
He asked me to fill in for
her at the ceremony tonight.
You know-- hand out the wine,
make up a few blessings.
And I thought, what the hey,
I'm in the mood for a good deed.
Tell me more about Balius.
Bali? Well, he's the head priest.
A bit of a cream puff
if you ask me.
What are you doing?
I'm going to take your place.
I'm gonna find out who's
trying to get Leah and why.
Stay here. And don't make trouble.
How could I make trouble?
I'm a virgin!
Great bed.
Meg, what happened?
Meg, where have you been?
We got problems.
Kara's got some guy in room .
I think she's giving him a freebie.
A freebie?
Gabrielle, what's
she talking about?
What Meg means is--
why not let me--
her new assistant, help you?
That's good thinking, Meg.
Why don't you just wait
by the bar and I'll be back.
OK, I'm ready, huh-- I think.
Ladies, Meg--
your prayers have been answered.
Joxer! Look, it's Joxer!
♪ Joxer the Mighty, ♪
♪ Master of virility, ♪
♪ every woman wants him, ♪
♪ he's so sexy it's a sin. ♪
♪ If you want a special tryst, ♪
♪ He's the man you can't resist, ♪
♪ By every measure he's a prize! ♪
♪ Just check out my shoe size! ♪
♪ Just check out his shoe size! ♪
♪ He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty! ♪
♪ Joxer the Mighty, ♪
♪ Captain of debauchery. ♪
♪ Never seems to get enough ♪
♪ of our tantalizing stuff. ♪
♪ If you need some company, ♪
♪ With Joxer there's a guarantee, ♪
♪ of the highest potency! ♪
♪ Heck, I'd even work for free! ♪
Take your filthy hands off me!!!
♪ He's-- Joxer,
Joxer the Mighty! ♪
What do you think
you are doing?
I am a Hestian virgin!
I--
Right.
Well, um, perhaps,
the, uh-- Hestian virgin--
would like to teach
naughty Joxer a lesson.
I'm waitin', my little donut.
Hi, Gabrielle.
Hi, Gabrielle.
Hi, hi, hi-- how you doing?
Good, fine.
I'm just-- I'm fine.
What're you doing here?
I'd like to ask you the same thing.
But, I don't want to know.
Come here.
I can't-- oh-- sheesh!
Wait a minute.
The woman I love
is working here.
I've gotta stop her.
On the other hand I am
just a-- small business
transaction away from
pressing my lips against her.
What am I saying?
Yeah.
Gabrielle--
whatever terrible tragedy
brought you into this life--
I want you to stop it.
Joxer, it's a long story,
but I do not work here. OK--
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait, wait wait.
So, you-- you're on a mission?
Right.
I think you should know this.
This is not Meg.
This is Leah--
the Hestian priestess.
Wait, wait, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Meg-- has a double?
Which looks--
- Yeah?
- like a-- virgin priestess.
You OK?
Of course I'm not OK!
I just defiled a virgin Priestess.
Let's go. Come on.
I'm going straight
to Tartarus, now.
What're you doing?
Bali.
I just got bored,
so I started lookin' around.
This is pretty!
What is it?
It's not a Hestian medallion.
Something tells me you're
not a Hestian priest.
You breathe a word to anyone--
you're dead!
You got something cooking
against the Hestians?
Come on.
Cut me in on the action.
We'll see. For now, just you
play your part, my little tramp.
Balius. May I have a word
with you-- in private?
Oh, I can take a hint.
See you later, Bali.
Who was that woman?
Meg, of course. Why?
If that was Meg--
who's at the temple altar--
polishing off
the sacrifical wine?
Hello, Meg.
Bali.
I was just making
a contribution.
Hey, you know everyone around
the temple-- maybe you can help.
Does Leah have any enemies?
Someone who might be trying to knock
her off and take over as Priestess?
Why do you ask?
I'm just trying to
help out a friend.
She says someone might
be trying to k*ll Leah.
Would that friend be Xena?
I can't say.
But if you can't trust
a man of the cloth,
who can ya trust, huh?
Yeah-- it's Xena.
She's a really,
really good friend of mine.
She's checking out
the temple as we speak.
Thank Hestia she's here.
Tell me, is Leah all right?
Yeah, couldn't be better.
She's hiding out at my place,
pretending to be me.
Ain't that a kick in the head.
It certainly is. In any event,
I'm gonna need your services
for the ceremony tonight.
You're the only one who
can do justice to the part.
Really? I'm that good?
Absolutely.
The ceremony wouldn't be
the same without you.
Excellent. OK.
Xena's here.
Take a contingent of guards--
and search the temple.
Make sure she doesn't escape.
What about the Priestess?
Xena can't be in
two places at once.
I'll send a few men
down to the tavern,
to slit Leah's throat.
I thought I told you to stay put.
Well, I got thirsty.
You were wrong about Balius.
He's a Deilian.
They despise all Hestians.
He set Leah up, and he's got plans
for the other Hestians as well.
Something wrong?
All right. You stay out of sight.
I need more time to check
out what he's up to.
OK.
Priestess--
it's time for declarations.
Look, can--
can this wait?
I'm really busy right now.
What's gotten into you?
You know we must declare our sins
to you at the same time every day.
sh**t.
It all started in the garden.
I was happily tilling the soil
when my eyes fell upon
something magnificent--
the summer squash.
Priestess?
Go on-- I'm listening.
My mind raced. Surely, the gods
wouldn't have given us such
ripe, firm vegetables if they
didn't want us to enjoy them.
Is everything all right, Priest?
Yes, perfect. Go on.
Well--
So, Balius knows I'm here.
What else does he know?
He knows about Leah.
He sent men to Meg's
place to k*ll her.
What was that, Priestess?
Ah, nothing. Please continue.
And the other Hestians--
what's he going to do with them?
He's gonna k*ll 'em--
at the ceremony.
That's all I know.
I can't even enjoy salad without--
feeling guilty.
Wait! I need your advice.
Look. Sometimes, it is best to
take matters into your own hands.
Well?
Gabrielle. Where are you?
Gab--
Who's been a naughty blacksmith?
I have.
I hope that's a petting zoo.
Oh, please, let that
be a petting zoo!
Sweet Hestia,
I'm in a den of filth!
Leah?!
What are you doing here?!
Gabrielle-- you knew what
kind of a place this was,
and you still kept me here with
these-- these-- harlots.
N-now look. I-I know
this place isn't perfect.
And, and, and-- maybe it was a bad
idea to bring you here, but, but--
Leah, if you stop to
think about it--
what better place for a person
like you to do some good?
♪ Onward virgin soldiers,
marching us to w*r. ♪
Please-- you have to be
supported by your diaphragm
All right, we'll try it
one more time.
{\an }♪ Onward virgin soldiers,
marching us to w*r. ♪
I'll make virgins of them yet.
Smile!
{\an }♪ Onward virgin soldiers,
marching us to w*r. ♪
Hey, girls, there's a
whole bunch of guards
coming down from the
Hestian temple.
Looks like it's gonna be
a busy night!
Well all right, but remember
to practice those high notes!
We've got trouble.
Where did you get this outfit?
I found it in a back room.
There were lots of
costumes in there.
Maybe they're planning a party.
Never mind.
Look-- you've gotta hide.
I'll try to convince
them you're not here.
And, the choir was a nice touch.
It was, wasn't it?
Gabrielle-- thanks.
Onward Virgin soldiers--
OK, girls, now thank you.
Be busy, make me proud,
have a good time.
We've got the basement all
ready for you. Are you coming?
Yeah-- I'll be right there.
OK, fine, dear.
I thought I told you to hide.
Look, it's gonna be
all right-- come on.
Keep moving.
Your Holiness. Please-- forgive me.
To think I could've
mistaken someone like you--
an innocent, sheltered woman--
for somebody like Meg,
who's been around
the block plenty-- believe me.
You may give me your
punishment as you see fit.
Why?
Aw, boy, you virgins pack a wallop.
Must be all that pent-up energy.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
I'm just looking for
a place to hide.
From who?
The temple gods.
I should've straightened this
out while I had the chance.
Who could expect Meg to
play a convincing virgin?
Once it's over, it's over!
Wait a minute! You mean Meg is
posing as you in the temple?
Well, at least she was.
I don't know where I am.
The guards.
They must have discovered her.
That's why they're here!
Then Meg's in trouble.
I've got to save her.
Say a prayer for me, Priestess.
Leah-- I know you're
really mad at me,
and I don't blame you
one little bit, but I swear,
I didn't know that Bali
was a bad guy
- Meg, I--
- No, you gotta give me a chance
to make it up to ya.
Bali's guards are outside,
so you stay here,
I'll go out there and
pretend to be you
pretending to be me. You see?
Curses! Too late! Step back!
It's me you want.
I am the holy woman!
Hello, Xena.
I'm sorry I messed up.
It's all right, Meg.
Just hide in here.
You all right?
OK. I can do this.
You're Leah.
You must be--
Souvenirs are giving me chafing.
Meg.
And that means that you--
Just glad everyone's
all in one piece.
How many guards are outside?
Too many. And they're well armed.
Me Don't worry about that.
My girls will take care of them.
Well, that's great,
but we have a bigger problem.
Joxer's gone to the temple
to save you, Meg.
Fools! How could
ou let Meg escape?!
If she's not here to pose
as Leah at tonight's ceremony,
my plan will never succeed!
The stupid trollop is
probably back at the tavern,
protected by Xena!
How am I gonna get
her back in time?!
I'll save you, Meeeg!
Meg, gee, you got
big feet for a girl
I always thought that the g-g--
Hi fellas.
Nice uniforms.
Got your tailor's address?
You know, we could all get together
and have lunch some-- evening.
Well, call you then
Bye-bye.
A gift from the gods.
I think our work here is done.
Meg, you and your
girls did a great job.
Now, we have to get
Leah back to the temple,
and show Balius up for
what he really is.
Come on.
Bye. Bye.
Good luck.
Bye. Bye.
What do you want of me?
You, my dear wench,
are gonna help me fulfill
my greastest fantasy.
Wipe the Hestian virgins off
the face of the earth!
Guards!
Hi, everyone.
I think I'm getting stage-fright.
You don't want me to lose it
all over them virgins, do ya?
I'll take my chances.
You want Joxer to live,
don't you Priestess?
Yeah.
You don't want to do that.
Poison?
Give each of them a glass--
and then read this proclamation,
written in Hestian.
Then they'll drink the poison,
and it will all be over.
Priestess Leah.
Dear Hestia!
We've captured the priestess
trying to enter the temple.
Shall we execute her?
Throw her in the dungeon.
I wanna see the look
on her face when all
her sweet little
Hestians-- are dead.
You connect anyone
in mythology,
back with the great
warrior Thalidopes.
OK, look.
Let's say we
wanted to connect--
Echidna-- the mother of
all monsters with Thalidopes.
OK, now-- you're probably saying,
How's he gonna do that, it's like--
Right? OK, well--
Echidna met Hercules--
who saved her baby, Obi
and Hercules met Thalidopes--
when he rescued the Golden Fleece.
Get it? OK, you wanna try it?
Open up!
Here's the priestess to
keep you company.
But don't get too cozy.
You'll both be dead by dawn.
Yeah, well don't
bet on it, roadblock!
Eh, the nerve of that guy.
Don't worry about it, Priestess;
I'll take care of everything.
You just wait.
First of all, gotta
get that big
dumb-looking guy with
the keys to come over
Then once he's lured in,
I'll wait for the right moment
and pounce on him!
Yeah.
Then I'll grab the keys from him,
stick 'em in the door,
turn it, and let us out.
I tell you, it's so easy,
Priestess, any idiot could do it.
Come on, idiot.
Hi, Xena.
And now we'll pause for a brief
musical interlude
These are the words of Hestia.
'Dama anowee.
Esti kai kalowee.
Esti kalowee kai.
Esti kalowee kai.'
Worshipers of Hestia,
see what your goddess has done.
She has k*lled those
most loyal to her
and betrayed your trust.
It's time you all converted to
Deilianism-- the one true religion.
Hestianism is dead--
not by the hand of man--
but by the very words
of goddess herself.
'Kalistweea.
Kalowee kai.'
It's a miracle!
I don't understand.
You told them
not to swallow.
You're not Meg.
The only woman who knows the
ancient Hestian language is-- Leah.
That's right-- Bali.
And you're headed for
the dungeon, my man!
Not before you die.
Unhand that Hestian!
You can't stop me!
Get her!
I will succeed, Priestess--
even if I have to k*ll
every Hestian myself--
starting with you.
Can you come take over here?
My pleasure!
Excellent!
Stay away from us!
You're a religious man, Balius.
I got three words for you.
Say your prayers
Leah
What would Hestia say about
your use of physical v*olence?
In this case, I think she'd say--
'Nicely done.'
...behind the bush!
I just wanted to
show my gratitude.
I know that-- I know that I may
have misjudged you.
- Maybe a little.
- Maybe a lot.
I guess I never really
thought there was
anything worthwhile
outside the temple
You've proved me wrong,
and I'm glad.
Thank you.
I still think you'd make
a great virgin.