Let's see what I got today.
Need it, got it, hate it.
Can always hock it.
Grody!
Why do these mortal types
always give me fish?
I hate fish!
This way.
Aphrodite.
It is my honor
to be able to--
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Did you get it or not?
So this is the Mystic Diamond, huh?
Nice one.
Too bad I can't keep it.
What? Then why did I just--
It's a star from the night sky.
I gotta show this off.
This little baby is
destined to become
the center of my
constellation.
Now, take it to my
priest in Parnassus.
He's gonna sh**t it
into the night sky for me.
I'll put it up there
for you right now,
most beautiful of goddesses.
Tie your gem on my arrow...
so my shaft can bring you...
satisfaction.
I do believe your sweaty,
smelly leader
is flirting with
the Goddess of Love.
You don't have the thrust.
Besides, my guy in Parnassus
has better equipment,
and he knows
the right time to sh**t.
It's got something
to do with some
astrological stuff that
gives me a headache.
Now go to Parnassus.
- Gotta be there by nightfall.
- Yes, my goddess.
There's just
one small problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Xena and her
pesky posse is right behind ya.
Don't sweat it.
I got you covered.
I call it "Obsession."
One whiff, and whatever you're
thinking about at that minute...
turns into
an overwhelming obsession.
Cool, huh?
Now go.
Uh, out the back door.
- This way.
- Let's go.
How could Aphrodite
steal the North Star?
She stole the Mystic Diamond
from the Temple of the Heavens.
Unless we get its powers
back before nightfall,
the North Star will go out,
and the world will be in
for some serious turmoil.
You mean, things that
go bump in the night
really will go bump
in the night?
All travelers on land and sea
look to the North Star as a guide.
The Mystic Diamond's powers
will keep it shining.
Xena, there's no sign
of Maecenus.
Let's look around and see
if they stashed it someplace.
Check over here.
What's this?
That's the story
of Attus, the ape-man...
and the Princess Gaea.
It's a beautiful love story.
Ape-man.
That's not humanly possible.
Sure, it is.
They say that the paintings
of women in Aphrodite's
temple represent her
many faces, right?
But based on this, I'd have to say
that she's pretty full of herself.
Oh, really?
Pretty.
They're probably
headed for Parnassus.
The priest there
is an expert astrologer.
Who knows what
stupid thing Aphrodite
would want him
to do with it?
Nice! Double dose
for you, warrior babe.
- A walleye.
- Big mistake.
You're never getting that
smell off your hands now.
I've got it.
I know what to do.
The North Star
is on the verge of extinction.
The fate of the whole world
lies in our hands.
We've got no choice.
We're going fishing.
In a time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
She was Xena...
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
...The power...
...The passion...
...The danger...
Her courage will
change the world...
[font color="#d "]Fins, Femmes And Gems[/font]
It's beautiful,
absolutely beautiful.
Don't you think
it's beautiful?
- The way it dips and curves. -It's
not supposed to dip and curve.
The parchment has to
stay still out there.
"Parchment"?
Uh, no.
The cloud behind it.
Don't you think it
looks like my nose?
You know, the way it dips down and
has that cute little curve to the side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, that clip is supposed to
release when you tug on that line.
Go on. Grab it.
- Waste of my time.
- Go ahead.
Very funny.
Fortunately, I have
a brilliant sense of humor.
Gabrielle!
Xena, if you think I'm
gonna waste my time
jumping up and down for
flying parchment--
It is not a waste of time.
I'm trying to test--
Excuse me. I-- I didn't want to
make you feel uncomfortable.
"Uncomfortable"?
Me?
What are you talking about?
You know, about your, uh,
your little problem. Your height.
You want me to catch
your little silly clip, do ya?
Fine. I'll show you height.
Got it.
Now what?
Needs some minor adjustments.
I can make them up at the lake.
Hey. Is that Joxer?
Bug.
That is so disgusting.
Xena, he's been
acting very strange.
I don't think we should
be seen in public with him.
He's acting strange because something
happened to him at the temple.
Aphrodite must've put some
kind of a spell on him.
Now he's obsessed with that
silly story about the ape-man.
You know, you've got
the obsession thing too.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, yeah.
- What am I obsessed with?
- You.
Your opinion of yourself is
flying higher than my parchment.
That's ridiculous.
Xena, my opinion of myself has
not changed one iota since--
Oh, yeah.
Lookin' good.
Yeah.
All right.
Um, if we're all obsessed
with something, what about you?
- What are you obsessed with?
- Well, that's the good news.
I haven't been
affected by the spell,
so I can still take
care of business.
So let's fish.
Joxer.
Move it. And bring some of
whatever it is you're eating.
It might be good bait.
Okay.
I still don't see why
we didn't bring Argo.
I'm getting calluses--
perfect calluses.
I let Argo roam free
for a while.
I need to concentrate totally
on the mission at hand.
- Is that the diamond?
- Yeah, and the diamond.
You know, Xena, I've been
thinking of rewriting the scroll.
Whatever.
It just doesn't
have a point of view.
You know, it needs more verve,
more character, more-- more of me.
It doesn't sing to me like this.
Actually, it's a great idea.
A scroll should be sung, not told.
♪ Well, listen to my story
about Gabrielle ♪
♪ A cute little gal that's
lookin' really swell ♪
♪ Perfect hair,
such a lovely lass. ♪
♪ Nice round breasts
and a firm, young-- ♪
Are you out of your mind?
Too loud?
Are you worried we're
gonna get there,
and the fish will be gone?
I'm worried we're gonna get there,
and the fish will be armed.
It's just the way
I remember it.
Amazing.
It really is.
It's just wonderful.
It's flawless.
I feel right at home here.
This is the ultimate fantasy.
I am the ultimate fantasy.
Four, a hundred and five, a hundred
and six. What are we doing here?
Just gonna alter the
landscape a little.
A hundred and eight.
Why?
You remember the Mystic Diamond?
Aphrodite thinks that
what's happened to you
and Joxer is gonna make
me forget about it.
But, no,
I'm gonna get it back.
And while I'm at it, there's nothing
wrong with getting in a little fishing.
What does that have to
do with the diamond?
This. It's gonna cause
an avalanche in the canyon.
That'll force Aphrodite's
henchmen to detour around the lake.
There. That ought to do it.
Now it's time for a little fun.
- Come on!
- A hundred and--
One, two, three--
This is gonna be the best thing
of your young lives.
Come on, Gabrielle.
Let's get wet!
Come on, Gabrielle.
Get your gear off.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
No, I'm sorry, Joxer.
If I take off my clothes,
I could k*ll you.
Beauty can do that.
Did I just say that?
Is Xena right?
Have I gone too far?
Am I obsessed with myself?
No!
What's not to like?
Right?
Oh, Gabrielle! Come here.
I want to show you something.
Well, you're gotta
show me from here.
This little minx is
staying on dry land.
Xena?
You have a fish
wrapped around your finger.
Gabrielle, I forgot how much
fun this is. Come on.
- Give it a try. It's easy.
- What do you do?
All you have to do is stick your
hand underneath the water
and feel around till you find
a great, big succulent fish.
And then you do this. You wiggle
your fingers so it looks like bait.
- And whammo!
- You punch it in the face.
Why would I want to do that?
Because it's fun!
Right.
Ramming my fist down the throat
of an innocent little fish.
It's not my idea of fun.
Well, don't knock it
till you've tried it.
Twins!
Got ya, got ya,
and I'm gonna eat ya.
Hey, Gabrielle, why don't
you give it a try, huh?
I'm gonna go gut these.
She wants me to fist a fish?
I can barely say it,
much less do it.
Xena, you just don't realize
how primitive you really are.
She just doesn't
appreciate the truly
great work of art that I am.
And who is that
that I see before my eyes?
Oh, yeah.
Wiggly food.
Okay.
You take care of these.
I'm gonna start a fire.
I, Attus, King of Trout
and ruler of its people.
I set you free. I--
You tell good joke,
trout brother.
But now I must have tribute.
Go. Swim. Be free.
Go! Go!
You listen to me,
monkey-man.
If you ever do that again, you'll
find my fist down your throat!
Gabrielle and I didn't come--
Gabrielle! Gabrielle!
Gabrielle!
Where is she?
Gabrielle!
Gabrielle! I'm coming!
Hang on!
Gabrielle!
Gabrielle!
Not the lips.
Please!
They chap so easily.
Just what were you
doing out there?
I was--
I was trying to kiss
my reflection in the water.
I couldn't resist it.
I leaned over, and I
tried to press my lips--
And you fell in.
Any fish down there?
It was like my
reflection embraced me.
I sank into it.
I was surrounded by it.
And then you
pulled me up, and...
I looked into your eyes, and,
Xena, I finally realized...
there can only be one
person for me in my life.
- Well--
- Me!
Hey, I let you save me.
Oh, my!
Where's my brush?
Joxer?
Can you hear me?
You mighty man, monkey.
She-monkey need you.
Good. Here's the problem.
Aphrodite has enchanted you.
That's obvious.
Xena thinks that
I've been enchanted,
but I haven't.
I'm really worried about her.
You see, I've never seen her
so focused on fishing before.
Joxer--
Have you understood
anything that I've said?
Great. That's okay.
Me love Attus! Me love him!
I'll just use my
superior intelligence--
Me love him!
And overall good judgment in
all situations to handle this.
Zug-zug.
Zug-zug now!
I'll speak with Xena.
Cut it out, Xena.
Lyceus, I've got a bite!
Wow!
Look, Lyceus!
It's Solaris!
Xena!
I have something really important
I need to speak to you about.
Do these boots
work with this skirt?
You cut my hair?
- My little golden fleece.
- It's perfect.
Of course it's perfect.
It's my hair.
And the color is gonna work
just beautifully with this.
A bent nail?
You cut my hair to put
a wig on a bent nail?
It is not a bent nail.
It's a hook.
Look, I disguise it with
your hair, attach it
to my flying parchment,
and we got him.
- Who's "him"?
- Solaris.
Who's Solaris?
A fish that Lyceus and I
discovered when we were kids.
He's wily, Gabrielle.
He's smart, he's cunning,
he's a great opponent.
Every time that Lyceus
or I would catch him,
he would find a way to escape.
- But this time, no.
- Well, that's fine
except for one thing.
What's that?
You are not sacrificing
my hair for a fish.
Thanks.
It really is amazing how
much like Lyceus's hair it is.
I'm sure Solaris
will go for it.
I've gotta make him think
that he's alone.
A regular fishing pole
won't cut it. Nope.
We gotta reduce line drag.
That's why when we att*ck,
we do it from the air.
Xena, why don't I just
find some local villagers?
I'll lure them in
with my eloquent speech,
snap my fingers, and you can
have any fish that you want.
No one catches Solaris but me.
Do you ever get the
feeling that we're
forgetting something
really important?
That diamond thing.
The diamond.
Yeah, you see,
your obsession keeps you
from remembering very
important things.
My obsession?
You can't see
the fish for the lake.
We only have a very limited time
to get the Mystic Diamond back.
Remember that.
So what do you wanna do?
Track these guys down?
Before we catch Solaris?
Are you out of your mind?
This wasn't here before.
There must've been
an avalanche.
Your talents are
wasted as a thug.
You should've been
an astronomer.
I don't know anything
about rocks.
All right! We'll have to make
detour up around the lake.
Higher.
This okay?
Gabrielle, higher, please.
For cryin' out loud.
All right.
Now let her go!
Gabrielle! Okay, this time
the clip should work.
Give it a pull.
It worked!
It really worked!
What worked?
Trying to overshadow my dynamic
personality with some mud?
Has that been the point
to all this?
It's beginning to make sense.
Fishing.
Solaris. Right.
Now I understand.
Understand what?
You're jealous...
- of me.
- That's ridiculous.
All this time, Xena,
I've tried to let it go.
You know?
And it hasn't been easy.
I have tried to be
humble with you,
but you've pushed me too far.
- Look.
- No. Don't.
I haven't seen this diamond.
Yes, you say that it's stolen,
and I took your word for it.
But you bring me here, where no
one can appreciate my radiance.
No one. No competition
for you. No.
And Solaris, the fish?
Please.
I brought you here
'cause I thought we
could enjoy a good day's
fishing together.
There's no such thing
as a good day's fishing.
A day without fish is good.
You know, you sounded just
like my brother, Lyceus then.
He used to argue
with me about fishing.
Said he hated it, but I
could tell he had the same
fire in his eyes that
you and I've got.
Unless your brother was an Adonis,
he and I are nothing alike.
Isn't there anyone here who
can appreciate my specialness?
I Attus.
Attus appreciate.
- Joxer?
- Don't speak.
Attus take you as bride.
Joxer!
Finally, a little
peace and quiet.
Put me down!
Stop! Put me-- Stop!
Joxer, are you mad?
Let me go!
Please, I'm getting dirty.
Gaea like Attus?
Attus is quite a surprise.
Here. Put something on.
Please?
Attus pleasure you with
much furious zug-zug first.
- What's this?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mine. A garment of this quality
can only adorn a perfect body.
Put it on, quick.
It's soft, like baby monkey.
What?
Gabrielle!
Monkey-man, you bring her back!
You know, you two are
beginning to irritate me
with these obsessions of yours!
Fish don't just catch themselves!
Attus! Attus,
unhand me, you beast!
Bride want food?
No, thank you.
I had a late breakfast.
Then, now zug-zug.
I could do
with a few ants.
Gabrielle! Gabrielle!
She's come for me.
- Where are you?
- I knew she would.
She can't live without me
for a minute.
- Gabrielle!
- Not that I could blame her.
Then, now I take you
next to raging river,
where for three moons
we make furious zug-zug.
No! I don't like this!
Gabrielle!
Great white monkey, Xena,
come for Princess Gaea.
Animals! Animals of the jungle,
listen to me!
Billy goats,
form ramming positions!
Elephants, suck water
from great river for moat!
Great eagle, come
down and collect me
so that I may swoop
down upon her!
Come down and collect me so
that I may swoop down upon her!
Damn you,
you ungrateful animals!
Come on!
Where'd she go?
Attus glad that over.
You saved me!
Xena, the world will thank you for
rescuing such an unrivaled beauty.
Your name will be legendary,
like Gabrielle the Great,
Gabrielle of Troy.
Here, fishy, fishy, fishy.
Our Lady Gabrielle.
Gabrielle of the Nile.
Wait, there's more.
Gabrielle of Olympia.
Gabrielle and the Four Seasons.
What are you doing?
I'm just highlighting perfection
with some berry juice.
Yeah, looks good on you.
Only they're not berries.
They're crushed bugs
I was using for bait.
Gabrielle, uh, you know that
diamond we were looking for earlier?
Diamond?
Was that today?
Yes. I've never seen it,
but I heard that it's, uh,
it's perfect just like you.
I'm glad you could finally
admit that, Xena.
You know, it must've
been difficult for you.
I realize the envy
that I inspire.
Right.
Well, that's why Aphrodite wanted it.
I know that now.
What do you mean?
She thinks of herself
as the perfect female--
immortal or otherwise.
She thinks that she's
the perfect female?
She obviously thought
that the perfect
diamond was something
she should be wearing.
It's like a badge,
announcing her as
the most beautiful creature
in the universe.
Let's go, Xena.
Where?
To get the diamond. If it's
perfection, I should possess it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Gabrielle.
I feel a bite coming on.
But Maecenus should be
passing by this lake soon.
Uh, maybe you--
And he says, "Your sandal?
I thought that was my dinner."
- I don't get it.
- His sandal.
- I thought--
- I don't get it.
He ate it, 'cause he thought
it was his, you know.
When he kicked it off his foot,
the sandal-- and it landed--
I don't get it.
You go, Gabrielle!
You're beautiful
when you're angry.
Got it!
After her!
Joxer--
I mean, Attus, come here.
- You want the princess, right?
- Attus want.
You need the princess, right?
Attus need.
Well, here's what you do.
Give us the diamond!
- This way.
- We got her now.
Hold it, boys.
Do you think I'm not
used to men chasing me?
Same old story.
I can't believe
I'm beginning to chafe.
Okay, look. I'm sure that
even people of your ilk
can appreciate perfection, right?
Sure, we can.
k*ll her!
k*ll her!
- That's funny.
- You're trapped.
Give us the diamond,
and we'll make sure
your loved ones can
identify the body.
This body?
Are you insane?
Have you no understanding of
absolute, inviolate cuddliness?
Guess not.
Xena!
Xena!
I don't want to break a nail.
- After her!
- Up the wall?
- Are you a mountain climber?
- No.
Well, then, this way.
Joxer, you saved me.
- Now time for zug-zug.
- Huh? No, no!
Bird brother.
Go. Fly. Tell your people
of Attus, the ape-man.
Bring tribute. Go. Fly.
Joxer, swing!
El swingo!
Attus not afraid.
Attus king of jungle.
Attus renounce throne.
Solaris!
Xena!
Xena!
Xena, catch!
Leave the diamond, little girl.
Don't make me k*ll you.
You're new around here, right?
Xena, forget about
Solaris, please!
Never! After all this time?
Never!
My dress is wrinkling.
He's gone.
I just get
tribute from brother hippo.
- He got away, huh?
- Yeah, but it worked.
Everything worked beautifully,
Gabrielle, except--
He still got away.
Now give me the diamond.
It's beautiful.
You were right to think
that only I should wear that.
Are you gonna give it to me?
I got an idea.
So what are you doing?
I'm sending the North Star back
to the heavens before nightfall.
Hopefully the power of the Mystic
Diamond will help guide it home.
But it's mine!
Well, just
think, Gabrielle.
Every time people look up
into the night sky
and see that perfect star,
they'll think of you.
It'll be a symbol of your
beauty for all time to come.
It is too bad that the people
can't see the real thing.
Guess a symbol of it
will have to do.
Fire away!
- What are you waiting for?
- You'll see.
Xena, you're not going to use
my diamond as bait, are you?
It's just crazy enough to work.
I think you just put
a fish in the heavens.
I dedicate this fish to Lyceus.
Are you okay?
I was obsessed
with fishing, wasn't I?
Sorry, Xena, but I really don't
pay that much attention to you.
I have much more important
things to do with my time.
Gabrielle, I just realized what it was
that was driving my obsession.
It's not fishing.
It's all the unresolved business
between me and my brother.
I felt like I still
owed him something.
The minute I acknowledged it,
I was out from under its spell.
I just love the way my
eyes glow in the sunlight.
Gabrielle, there's something
that's bothering you
that you need to
get in touch with.
You're right.
These boots don't work
with this skirt.
No, Gabrielle. Think.
There's something about yourself
that you're not satisfied with.
Other than the fact that no one
gives me credit for anything,
and everyone thinks
I'm a silly sidekick?
Now I've got this headache.
Well, you're back
to normal now.
Gabrielle, from now on,
I'm gonna make sure you
get a lot more credit
for the things you do.
That's a promise.
Thanks.
Insight released us
from the spell.
That's all it took.
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
Yeah, it definitely
looks like a fish.
But which one's
the North Star?
The big one.
It's a good thing you figured
out all that insight stuff, Xena.
Who knows how long
we'd be under that spell?
I couldn't have
done it without you.
The only reason I do
any good at all
in this world is because
I do it with you.
You make an important
contribution every day.
I'm gonna make sure that
people know that from now on.
You don't have to do that.
But it's nice to be reminded
that you feel that way.
I think you still need to
do something about Joxer.
Tomorrow.