03x11 - The Matchmaker

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Punky Brewster". Aired: September 16, 1984 to March 1986.*
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Follows Punky and her dog, Brandon who have been abandoned by her parents.
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03x11 - The Matchmaker

Post by bunniefuu »

Brandon, have you finished
shining that shoe?

You sure do look handsome,
Mr. Warnimont.

Yeah, and that bow tie makes you
look ten years younger.

Don't try to butter me up.

I don't know how I let you girls
talk me into this.

Henry, it's just a date.

A blind date. Ugh.

Trust me, you're gonna
love Ms. Maytag.

She's the best school librarian
we've ever had.

A librarian?

I bet she looks
like a librarian too.

No. She's really cute.

Come on, be honest.

It's Ken-L Ration time, right?

Then you take her out.

How old is this Ms. Hotpoint?

It's Ms. Maytag.

And I don't know exactly
how old she is.

- But she's younger than you.
- Mm-hmm.

'Course, everybody is.

Cherie.

We fixed you guys up 'cause
you have so much in common.

She likes books, you like books.

She likes boring music,
you like boring music.

And guess what her hobby is.

Tracking down helpless men?

No. Photography.

Oh, great.

An amateur photographer.

Please, Henry,
just give it a chance.

Punky, the last successful
blind date was Adam and Eve.

And the only reason
they had a good time

was because of the way
they were dressed.

Hi.

Where's your little
datey-pooh, Henry?

I should've known
you'd come around and gloat.

No way.

I come to offer my sympathies.

Oh. Thank you.

Not to you, to her.

Just what I need.

Jokes from someone
whose last date

picked her up on a dinosaur.

Oh, yeah?

I get lots of offers
from guys at the hospital.

Sure. But those men
are heavily sedated.

That must be Ms. Spin-dry.

Hi, Ms. Maytag.

Hi, Punky. Hi, Cherie.

And you must be Henry.

I must be Henry.

Enchante,Ms. Maytag.

Oh. Call me Camille.

Camille! What a lovely name.

Thank you.

You don't know how anxious
I've been to meet you.

Just let me get my car keys,
and I'll take you to lunch.

Oh.

Why don't we go on my hog?

Your hog?

Her motorcycle.

Get with it, Henry.

Oh, that'll be great.

I haven't been on a hog in days.

It worked!

Love at first sight!

Are you monkeys ready for lunch?

Yeah, this matchmaking stuff

sure makes me hungry.

Everything makes you hungry.

Cherie, wouldn't it be nice

if your grandma had a guy
in her life again?

Are you thinking
what I think you're thinking?

Yep. We'll find the perfect date
for your grandma.

After all, we did it for Henry.

- Come on.
- Hurry up.

Oh. What are you
little monsters up to?

We're gonna find you a date.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, yes, we are.

We knew you'd say that.

Yeah, Henry resisted
at first too.

But ever since we fixed him up,

he's been
a totally different guy.

Henry? Different?

I find that hard to believe.

♪ Celebrate good times come on ♪

♪ Celebrate good times come on ♪

♪ Celebrate good times
come on ♪♪

Well, I realize the way
he's acting is a little...

- Pathetic?
- Yeah.

But the point is, he's happy.

'Cause he's in love, baby.

Thanks to us. And we can do
the same thing for you.

Well, I don't know.

♪ My girl my girl

♪ Talkin' about my girl

♪ My girl my girl ♪

Cherie, show her the ad.

An ad?

Yeah. No one we knew
wanted to go out with you.

One guy said he couldn't
wait to meet her.

Remember the crossing guard,
Mr. Dwarfman?

Mr. Dwarfman?
What's he like?

Dead.

He got hit by a truck yesterday.

Oh!

That's a terrible thing.

Yeah, bad timing.

But don't worry, we bought
a copy of "Dates And Mates."

You won't believe how many
great guys advertise in here.

We circled
a couple of good ones.

"Sophisticated foreign gentleman

wants to stay
in the United States."

"Will marry anyone."

Well, I'm terribly flattered,
but I'll pass.

You're right.
You don't need a mercy marriage.

Girls, I don't want a date.

I found the love
of my life once.

And now that grandpa's gone,

the next one
will have to find me.

That's perfect.

What's perfect?

That you want a guy to find you.

Watch this.

Well, Derek,
it's time for you to choose.

Which of our three single
Cinderellas will be

your dream date come true?

Wait a minute.

Are you little scamps suggestin'

that I go on that show?

Yeah. It's our best idea.

It's also our last idea.

Well, forget it.

The contestants
on "Dream Date" are hard up,

undignified, and...

That Derek is cute.

A definite babe.

If you go on that show,
you'll get a babe too.

You think so?

Unh-unh. No way.

If there's one thing
I can't stand,

it's someone making a complete
fool of themselves.

♪ Born to be wild

♪ Born to be wild ♪

In the name of all
that's decent, please,

Henry, stop it!

I'm sorry.

I'm just in such a great mood.

How do you like my threads?

You're hot, Henry.

But you forgot to buy socks.

Socks are out.

And so is your pilot light.

Camille thinks
my ankles are sexy.

I think she's right.

And I'm growing a macho stubble.

Does it remind you
of "Miami Vice?"

No. Miami lice.

What's in the basket, Henry?

A life support system?

My lady and I
are going on a picnic.

It may be January, but I feel
a heat wave coming on.

That's no heat wave.

At your age,
you're having hot flashes.

Betty, ordinarily,
I would smite you

with my rapier-like wit,

but love has mellowed me out.

Maybe you too, one day,
will find your perfect person.

Maybe not today or tomorrow,

or next day or next week,

or next month or year.

I'm not taking that from him.

"Dream Date," here I come.

Is it time?

Yep. Henry,
the show is coming on!

Great! I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

♪ Celebrate good times ♪

- Come on.
- Come on.

And now...

it's time for Chicago's
most exciting

and romantic game show.

"Dream Date!"

Let's welcome
the host of "Dream Date."

The prince of Johnny's...

Johnny Prince.

Hello, Chicago!

Hello, Johnny!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Alright. First, let's meet
our three dream girls.

Dream girl number one
is an astrologer.

Please welcome Aquaria La Rue.

Dream girl number...
Yeah, sit right down.

Dream girl number two
is a beautician.

Shirley Toops.

You bet.

And dream girl number three

is a registered nurse.

Betty Johnson.

One of our three lucky ladies
will be chosen

to spend an exciting,
fun-filled evening

with our dream guy.

From Arlington Heights,
a test pilot

who moonlights
as a stunt double for Mr. T.

His hobbies
are motorcycle racing,

mountain climbing,
and hang-gliding.

Let's have a big
"Dream Date" welcome

for our dream dude,
Chuck McKinley!

That's not Chuck McKinley,

that's Mount McKinley.

W... what's that nerd
doing there?

Hopefully picking
dream girl number three.

So, Chuck, you are a,
uh, test pilot?

Not really.
I've never been on a plane.

I test gravity stress machines
for the astronauts.

You've probably
seen me on the news.

No, I don't remember.

Now you recognize me?

Yes, of course.

Oh, what an exciting guy,
ladies.

That guy is my type.

Really? How do you know?

He's breathing, isn't he?

Now, Chuck, we have
three lovely ladies

just waiting to answer
your every question.

But first, let's hear them
each say hello.

Number one.

Number one.

- That's you, honey.
- Oh.

Sorry, I lost count.

Hello, Chuck.

And number two, let's hear you
say hello to Chuck.

Hey, baby.
Choose me, honey.

These other two bimbos look like

six miles of bad road.

Whoa! The sparks
are starting to fly already.

And number three,
please say hello.


Hello.
What's up, Chuck?

Uh! I don't mean "Upchuck."

I mean, Chuck, what's up?

Okey-dokey, dude.
Let the game begin.

Fire when ready, Freddy.

Okay, girls, we are driving
down the highway of love.

What road sign
best describes how you feel?

Uh, number three?

Uh, "Slow down, curves ahead."

Number two?

"Slippery when wet."

Number one?

"Welcome to Cleveland."

Gee, I'll figure that out later.

Number three,
I like beautiful women.

How would you describe yourself?

Well, I like to think
of myself as attractive.

You can think all you want.

Just don't go near a mirror.

Now, that's not nice.

Just because we're going
after the same guy

doesn't mean
we can't be friends.

Shut up, turkey lips.

Uh, ladies, ladies,
simmer down, simmer down.

Chuck, just leap in here
with a question

whenever you're ready.

Uh, number one,
I like to curl up

in front of the fireplace
with a good book of poetry.

Can you make me a love poem?

Uh-huh.

Roses are red,

violets are blue.

If you choose me,

maybe we could go bowling
or something.

Hey, blank verse.

Okay. Number two.

If number three
was an hors d'oeuvre,

what would she be?

Chopped liver.

Number three, if number two
was an hors d'oeuvre,

what would she be?

A pig in a blanket.

A pig?

Well, if the "Oink" fits...

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Isn't this fun?

Yes, of course. Yes.

Fine.

Wa... wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Didn't I hear the,
uh, time buzzer?

Oh, by golly, yes. There it is.

How time is flying here.

Well... Well, the, uh,
time is up, Chuck.

Um, time for you to choose.

Will it be dream girl
number one?

Number two?

Or number three?

Pick three!

- Don't pick three!
- Don't pick three!

I pick three!

Alright, now, it's time for you

to meet your dream girl, Chuck.

She is a registered nurse
who raises temperatures

wherever she goes.

Please say hello
to Betty Johnson!

Oh, my Lord!

She's just a little shy, Chuck.

That's alright. Come on.

I'm yours, baby.

Cherie, where is Chuck

taking your grandma
for their dream date?

She said
she doesn't really care,

as long as it's not
out in public.

Well, at least we did
a good job with Henry.

Come on.

I'll pop for a popsicle.

Are you sure you're alright?

Fine.

I just didn't know
your hog could go that fast.

You're just angry
'cause I jumped that hedge.

You could've warned me.

Oh...

- Loosen up, Hank.
- Oh.

I've told you a hundred times.

I'm a Henry, not a Hank.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

We shouldn't quarrel
on the eve of my departure.

I'll call you as soon
as I get back from Kenya.

You really have to go
all the way to Africa?

Ah, duty calls.

I can't pass up
that photo assignment

for "Wildebeest Weekly."

And you don't know
when you'll be back?

You know wildebeests,
they're so shy.

It might take months
to get that centerfold.

Love ya.

- Kenya?
- Wildebeest?

I had to think of something
to get her out of my life.

What happened?

I thought you were crazy
about her.

Yes. I thought so too at first.

But then, I realized
I was just plain crazy.

Camille tried to change me
into something I'm not.

Well, no more.

From now on, it's back to
cardigan sweaters and bow ties.

My ankles are freezing.

Sorry things didn't work out.

And the way I behaved.

And the money
I spent on these clothes.

My one consolation...

is that you embarrassed Betty

even more than me.

Right now,
she's stuck with a date

with Shamu, the k*ller Nerd.

♪ It's called
Hernando's Hideaway ♪

♪ All the way ♪

Chuck, everybody.
Everybody, Chuck.

Hey, everybody.

What a night.
What a night.

We didn't just trip
the light fantastic,

we stomped on it
and b*at it to a pulp.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Isn't he somethin'?

Yes. But what?

Well, got to waddle.

Hey, I'll see you tomorrow,
Betty.

I'll pick you up at eight,
for a very special date.

Oh, why not make it seven,

and we'll have
one more hour in heaven.

- Ooooh-wee!
- Ooooh-wee!

Grandma, I've never seen you
like this before.

Well, it's been a long time

since I've felt that way.

Come on, honey, let's go home.

Okay. I have
all those chores to finish.

Oh, forget the chores.

I'm gonna make you
a hot fudge sundae

and tell you all about my date.

- Alright!
- Ha-ha-ha.

Love ya!

I'm sorry that things
didn't work out

with you and Ms. Maytag,
Henry.

So am I.

But don't worry,
I have a backup list.

And the first person on it
is gonna be perfect for you.

You're gonna love
the widow Dwarfman.

Forget it.
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