04x08 - Cosmetic Scam

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Punky Brewster". Aired: September 16, 1984 to March 1986.*
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Follows Punky and her dog, Brandon who have been abandoned by her parents.
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04x08 - Cosmetic Scam

Post by bunniefuu »

Hold still, Brandon.

One more second
and I'll have my skirt hemmed.

Well, you shouldn't
be embarrassed.

None of your friends
are gonna see you.

Besides, everyone knows
you're all dog.

You're welcome.

Isn't it great
miniskirts are coming back?

Fortunately, you've got
the legs for them.

No, I haven't forgotten
your reward.

You've earned it.

I better go get you some milk
to wash down those Oreos.

- Hello?
- Good afternoon.

- Is this H. Warnimont?
- No, it's P. Brewster.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter
as long as you have

a little ambition
and a lot of cash.

- Huh?
- Congratulations, P. Brewster.

This is the luckiest day
of your life.

- It is?
- Tell me.

Are you tired
of never having enough cash,

scrimping and saving,
cutting corners

and still ending up short?

Hey, who are you calling short?

With just a small investment,

I can help you add hundreds,

no, thousands of dollars
to your yearly income.

- Are you interested?
- Sure. What do I have to do?

Don't worry.
It's nothing kinky.

- A child could do it.
- Now you're talkin'.

Come on, Henry. Sit down.

Here's a nice front row seat.

Will this take long?

I have snow to shovel.

Oh, relax, Henry.

Don't get your ear flaps
in an uproar.

Allow me to introduce
Miss Punky Brewster.

Thank you, Miss Johnson.

Cherie and I
are proud to announce

that we wanna go in business
for ourselves.

Good. I can't wait
to hear about it.

We wanna sell
Lady Contempo Cosmetics,

and all we need
from you guys is $ .

Meeting adjourned.

Wait!
That includes a sample kit

and the official
distributor's license.

But $ is a lot of money.

Henry, Henry, Henry.

You've got to spend money
to make money.

Every millionaire knows that.

Then you should've invited
a millionaire to this meeting.

Henry, these children
are showing some ambition.

The least we can do
is hear them out.

- But...
- That's right.

- Put it there.
- Ah!

Look at all this fabulous stuff.

Lady Contempo has everything.

Wrinkle away, skin cream,

hair conditioner...

men's cologne.

Mm, this skin cream
feels smooth.

Mm, the cologne
is very provocative,

yet naive.

Interesting blend, has legs.

Listen to what
Miss Spaulding Keebler

from Bemidji, Minnesota
has to say.

"Lady Contempo face cream
brought new meaning to my face.

My husband loves the new me
and so does my boyfriend."

Henry, this just might be
a good idea.

Every woman I know
spends a fortune on cosmetics.

That's because every woman
you know is ugly.

And think of all
the ugly people we know

just in this building alone.

If we do invest,

what can we expect for our $ ?

Any one item
from this sample kit

as our gift to you.

There's more snow being shoveled
in here than outside.

Wait, don't leave.

Uh, make us an offer.

Well, the way I see it,

if we put up %
of the initial investment,

we should get back
at least % of the profits.

Thank you, Paine Webber.

Boy, you drive a hard bargain.

But we can live with it.

How about it, Henry?
Is it a deal?

Alright. It's a deal.

Wow.

Hi, Punky. I'm ready.

- You're late?
- I am?

Yes, we agreed to meet
at o'clock.

And according to Mickey here,
it's : .

I was hungry.

So I wanted to eat
some breakfast.

Cherie, we're in business.

Business people are supposed
to be punctual.

Do you think
Lee Iacocca would be late

just so he could stuff his face?

Well, from the looks of him,
you might say

he stuffed his face few times.

Alright.

Let's get started.
Are there any questions?

Just one. When's lunch?

You are hopeless.

Actually, I'm nervous.

I've never sold anything
door to door before.

The most important thing
is sincerity.

Now give me
a nice sincere smile.

Forget sincere.
Just do what I do, okay?

Okay, as long as one of the
things you do is have lunch.

Who is it?

It's Punky and Cherie.

Be right with you, girls.

One of the best sales techniques
is to flatter them.

Let's flatter Mrs. Yurtzoff.

I'll try, but I know I'll laugh

if she isn't wearing her teeth.

Oh, hi, girls.
Care for a cookie?

- No, thanks.
- I'll take 'em.

I haven't eaten lunch yet.

Well, now what can I do for you?

Oh, well, we were gonna try
and sell you some cosmetics,

but it's obvious
you don't need any.

Oh, come on.

Really?

Well, we've got skin cream.

But your skin
is already so smooth.

Yeah, and you're lucky
to have so much of it.

Oh, I... I didn't think
of it that way.

Oh, what's this, girls?

Well, that's our skin tightener.

It's great for double chins.

But all your chins
are really lovely.

It would be hard to decide
which one should go.

Cherie, lay off her chins.

But Henry said she needs
a bookmark to find her pearls.

You know, honey,
I think I will take

some of this skin tightener.

Oh, and, uh, what's this?

- Is this bubble bath?
- Yeah, it's great.

Smells just like lilac.

Oh, I think I'll take
a bottle of this too.

What size will she need?
Small, medium or zoo?

Margaux, could I interest you in
some Lady Contempo nail polish?

I have my own manicurist.

How about some shampoo?

I have my own beautician.

How about some body oil?

- I have my own masseuse.
- Huh.

How about buying all this stuff,
anyway, because you're rich?

Okay.

Henry, great news!
We're a hit.

After lunch, we sold $
worth of beauty gunk.

That's wonderful.

Punky, Cherie,
I wanna congratulate you both

on your efforts
to rise out of this

lower-middle class poverty pit.

Thanks, Margaux.

We're almost
completely sold out.

All we have left
is one bottle of bubble bath.

You want it, Margaux?

It'll save you the trouble
of putting your money away.

- Good idea.
- Mm.

I'm gonna buy a new skateboard
with my money.

How about you, Punky?

I'm taking Henry to Disneyland.

Oh, now wait a minute.

We could waste our profits
on frivolities

or we could reinvest this money,

buy more cosmetics,
and triple our profits.

- What do you think?
- Triple our profits?

- Works for me.
- Mm.

Leave the dishes for later.

We got to get down
to Lady Contempo

and buy more stuff.

Yeah, they open in ten minutes.

Oh, my God!

I don't believe this!

You don't believe what, Henry?

My eyes are deceiving me!

Why? Are you looking
at all our profits?

No!
I'm looking at my head!

Henry, you're as bald as a,

uh, as a...

I've never seen anything
that bald.

My hair. My hair.

My hair!

Uh, should I get the Krazy Glue?

What happened?

Lady Contempo shampoo
is what happened!

What am I going to do?

Don't worry. It'll grow back.
It's just a matter of time.

Nobody has that much time.

Ah.

I washed my hair last night

and this morning
I woke up next to it.

Oh.

Look on the bright side, Henry.

It'll save you about two years
worth of haircuts.

And spend it all
on sunscreen for my head?

- Who is this?
- It's Betty.

That's all I need.
Her making fun of me.

I'm getting a hat.

How about opening this door?

Coming, grandma.
Don't get blue in the face.

Okay... I give up.

How do I get this mask off?

It's supposed to peel off.

I peeled. I scrubbed. I chipped.

I even got down
on my knees and begged.

Nothin'.

If you want my opinion,
it's an improvement.

Why are you wearing
that stupid hat?

Oh, my Lord.

Now, Betty,
before you say anything,

you and I are both

a perfect target
for ridicule, right?


Agreed.

We have the clear choice
of either

totally humiliating each other

or showing compassion
for each other,

not mentioning one word
about our respective problems.

- What do you say?
- It's a deal, melon head.

Melon head?

Yeah, I would've called you
Mr. Clean,

but you're years too old

and pounds too flabby.

I wouldn't talk if I were you.

You look like a Smurf
with a gland problem.

- Very funny, Curly.
- Mm-hm.

Where's Moe and Larry?

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Hello?

Hi, Mrs. Yurtzoff.

You used the skin tightener?

Oh, how did it work?

That's great!
You only have one chin now.

But it weighs pounds?

Wow! Can we go see it?

Don't worry, Mrs. Yurtzoff.
We'll refund your money.

No!

No need to call a hitman.

Margaux?

Are you alright?

Do I look alright?

I tried
the Lady Contempo moisturizer.

First, I started to itch

and then I broke out
in this horrid rash!

What's all over your dress?

Sap! I've been rubbing
against trees all the way here.

Mr. Warnimont, have you joined
a religious cult?

Nah, Lady Contempo shampoo
fried his head.

Hello?

Oh, Mrs. Wopperman.

Oh, y... you tried
Lady Contempo massage oil.

Hair is growing
all over your body?

Oh, I'm so...

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that.

And do you have any left?

Hello? Hello?

I say we all go down
to Lady Contempo

and make mincemeat out of them.

I can't. Daddy's flying me
to the Mayo Clinic.

Hold the Mayo.
The itching will go away.

I'm sure it will.
I'm sorry, Margaux.

Not as sorry as you're gonna be
when you get the bill.

I'm with grandma.
Let's go get our $ back.

There must be an answer
to all this.

I mean, the man on the phone
sounded really nice.

I can't believe he'd cheat us.

Look, everybody.
I'll go and get dressed.

Then we'll go down to the
Lady Contempo headquarters,

calmly explain our problem

and request a refund
for our capital investment.

Well, what if they don't
give it back?

We'll b*at them senseless
and rip off their faces!

Hello, anybody here?

Are we sure
this is the right place?

It looks kind of empty.

This is room .

- Ah.
- Maybe they went to lunch.

I wonder what they're having.

Good afternoon, Lady Contempo.

All of our order takers
are busy now.

Please hold.

That's the same message
I got when I called.

You could've been on hold
all the way through high school.

g*ng, I think we've been had.

Check around.

See if they left a clue
where they went.

Look what we found.

Here's a bottle of the shampoo.

Here's a bottle
of Contempo furniture stripper.

It's the same stuff
with different labels.

No wonder my hair fell out.

I'm lucky to have skin.

And look.

The face mask is in the same jar

as the kitchen floor wax.

Well, at least your face won't
get waxy yellow build-up.

Hey, what are you folks
doin' here?

It's him!

Hey, what are you doin', lady?

I'm getting you ready
for a Contempo coffin.

"Chicago Police Department?"

Oh, sorry.

Sergeant Denko from Bunko.

- Well, pleased to meet you.
- Yeah.

I'm a registered nurse.

I want you to consider that deep
muscle massage on the house.

Have you caught these guys yet?

Nah, it's the third time
I've missed 'em.

They set up
in a boiler room like this,

make a couple of hundred calls
and reel in some gullible dolts

who'll throw their cash
after a pipe dream.

Boy, do I feel stupid.

Well, you're not alone.

See, this guy's been working
scams all across the country.

He preys on people's greed
and the desire

to make a quick million.

And if it's not cosmetics,

it's cheap condos
or free Hawaiian holidays.

In some cases,
people lose their life savings

and, uh, end up
lookin' like that.

Well, you folks come with me.
We'll make a statement.

Well, whatever it takes
to book 'em, Dano.

- Denko.
- You're welcome.

Aren't you coming, Punky?

There's something
I don't understand.

That guy who called me
was out to rob me

from the very beginning?

I'm afraid so.

Why would anyone do that?

Some people just aren't
as honest as they should be.

I'll never trust anyone again.

No, that's not
the answer either.

Remember the first time
you fell off your bike?

Yeah, that hurt.

But you didn't
throw your bike away.

You kept on riding.

Only you became more careful.

It's the same with people.

Just because
you meet one bad one,

you don't stop
trusting everyone.

You just become more careful.

- That's pretty smart.
- Hm.

Ah, if I'm so smart,

why am I the only guy in Chicago
who lost his money and his hair?

Okay.

Which one of you clowns
is Lady Contempo?
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