04x09 - See You in Court

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Punky Brewster". Aired: September 16, 1984 to March 1986.*
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Follows Punky and her dog, Brandon who have been abandoned by her parents.
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04x09 - See You in Court

Post by bunniefuu »

Brandon, have you finished
your letter to the editor yet?

Henry, could you check
Brandon's spelling?

Certainly.

"Dear sir,

regarding your recent article
on Middle East,

your reference to Yasser Arafat
as a mad dog

has gotten this canine
very ticked off."

"I demand you put a stop
to this kind of bowser bashing."

Perfect spelling.

And very biting commentary.

Hey, guess what. Big news!

What?

Well, you know
that old Texas oil millionaire

who's been my patient
for almost a year,

Black Gold Blumenthal?

Yes, of course.

And I think it's wonderful
the way your tender care

has given that old man
the will to live.

- How is he?
- He's dead.

But he d*ed with a smile
on his face.

Because he found a way
to reward me

for my unflagging devotion
to duty.

Old Black Gold left grandma
his favorite car.

Well, I haven't seen it,

but I'm sure it's worth
a few hundred dollars.

I can sell it
and buy me a new sofa.

Well, why don't you keep it?

You know I don't drive.

I sit.

Well, I think it's about time
you learn to drive.

I'm getting pretty tired
of being the official chauffeur

for both our girls.

Of course,
she'll need driving lessons.

I bet Henry could teach her
how to drive.

He's the best driver I know.

Well, I don't mean to brag,

but I did receive the Department
of Motor Vehicles'

highest honor,
the Order of the Crosswalk.

Perhaps I might be willing
to give you driving lessons.

Umm, I don't know.

Think of it, grandma,
you'll be independent.

No more waiting for buses.

You won't have to walk through
drive-through restaurants.

Umm, I don't know.

Please, grandma. Having
our own car is a great idea.

We'll wash it for you
every Saturday.

Don't get carried away.

Well, Betty?

Umm, I don't know.

Ah, never mind.

You're too old
to learn to drive anyway.

Your eyesight is bad,
your reflexes are sh*t,

and I doubt if the seatbelt
would go around you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I just changed my mind
and my name.

From now on,
call me Betty Andretti.

Just a few more steps.

- Now?
- Not yet.

Okay, everybody, take a look.

Oh, my Lord!

Wow, what a great car.

Yeah, it really stands out
from the rest of the herd.

What do you do to stop?
Rope it?

Now, Henry, you be nice.

This is a beautiful machine.

Well, I got to admit,
it's the only thing

I've seen you can enter
in both the Indy

and the Kentucky Derby.

Punky, check out
these bullhorns.

How about
all these six sh**t?

It's like a theme park in here.

Can we go for a ride, grandma?

I'm a ready Andretti.

I can just see myself driving
along and being whistled at

by every dude
in the neighborhood.

Henry, let's head 'em up
and move 'em out.

Yaha!

Not so fast.

First, you gotta learn
the basics

upstairs in the living room.

But the car's down here.

Oh.

You have so much to learn.

I do?

Do little dogies get along?

Upstairs,
move 'em out! Yaha!

Now pay attention.

This succotash is the brake.

Succotash?

And this zucchini is the clutch.

Zucchini?

And this can of beans is the...

Don't tell me. The gas.

The accelerator.

Now get in the car.

You just made
your first mistake.

What did I do?

You walked right through
the car door.

Aren't you gonna fasten
your seat belt?

Oh, right.

Buckle up for Bozo.

- Sorry, I'll be serious.
- Good.

Now do you know
what this plunger is for?

In case the radiator
won't flush?

Ah.

No, no, no.
It's the gearshift.

Now to start the car,
you step on the zucchini,

make sure the plunger
is in neutral,

turn the key and pump the beans.

Pump the beans? Got it.

Now to get moving,

you step on the zucchini,
slide the plunger forward

while keeping your foot
firmly on the succotash.

Left foot zucchini.
Right foot succotash.

Now you lightly hit the beans
while easing up on the zucchini.

Well, what about my succotash?

No, you don't need
your succotash.

You need your beans.

Well, what about my zucchini?

Well, that's a whole
new can of peas.

Peas? Do I hit the peas?

No, your beans!
You hit your beans!

- Henry.
- Yeah?

I'll take the bus.

Oh, great.

You stepped out
right in the middle

of expressway.

- She could have k*lled us!
- Take it easy, Henry.

Take it easy?
The woman drove into a tree!

My poor car.

Don't worry, grandma.
We've got most of it here.

You drove like a maniac!

I distinctly yelled succotash
and you hit the beans!

This is your fault, Henry.

You confused me
when you yelled creamed corn.

I did not yell creamed corn.

I yelled hit the horn.

All I know is my beautiful car
is banged up

and you're gonna pay
for the damages!

- Me? Never!
- If you don't pay, I'll sue.

You'll sue? I'll sue you!

- We'll see who sues who!
- Suits me!

All rise.
The court is now in session.

The honorable
J.F. Taylor judge presiding.

Be seated.

"Henry Warnimont
versus Betty Johnson.

Betty Johnson
versus Henry Warnimont."

Each of you is seeking
damages from the other

stemming from an automobile
accident. Is that correct?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- Yes, Your Honor.

Mrs. Johnson, you're suing
Mr. Warnimont for $ ?

That's right.

Mr. Warnimont,
you're suing Mrs. Johnson

for ... million dollars?

That's right, Your Honor.

This hurts.

Mr. Warnimont, may I remind you
this is small-claims court.

The largest damage
you can collect is $ .

I'll take it.

I think in the interest
of public safety,

this woman should be neutered.

That does it.
Get 'em up, Warnimont.

Mrs. Johnson, your neck.

Oh, right.

Let's proceed.

Who was driving the car?

I was behind the wheel,

but he was doing all the driving
with his mouth.

Nonsense, Your Honor.

While she was driving,

I refrained
from all conversation

except perhaps for one word,
which I repeated several times.

- And what word was that?
- Help.

I bet you a dollar Henry wins

'cause he's got such a good way
with words.

I'll take that bet.

I was driving fine until
you started making me nervous.

Of course, you were nervous.

You're a woman driver.

Oops.

Mrs. Johnson, will you kindly
take the stand?

And please remember
that you are under oath.

I'm always truthful.

He's the one that wouldn't know
the truth if it bit him on the...

Mrs. Johnson, the court would
like to hear your testimony

just as it occurred.

Here it comes, Your Honor.

We're talking testimony here.

Uh, everything started off fine.

Henry taught me the basics
of driving upstairs

in his apartment,

but when it actually came time
to get in the car and drive,

he turned into a totally
different person.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

We are teaching driving here.

Johnson, halt!

Achtung!

- Yes.
- Yes, what?

Yes, O Exalted One.

Sehr gut.

Very well, Fraulein Johnson,

you will follow instructions
very carefully.

- Would it be alright...
-Dummkopf!

You were not given
permission to talk.

If you wish to sprechen,

you will submit a written
request in triplicate.

Now in ze car.

- Mach schnell!
- What's...

Dummkopf!

That is where you are driving.

To the corner
of mach und schnell.

Left turn! Right turn! Halt!

Advance! Faster! Slower!
Right turn! Left turn!

Well, which is it? Could you
make up your mind, please?

I am sending you to special camp

for rotten fraulein drivers!

Ready? U-turn!

- U-turn?
- Not me turn. U-turn!

Please, sir.
You're making me nervous.

Ach, ein baum.

A b*mb?

Not b*mb,baum,tree.

Succotash, succotash!

Step on the succotash!

And that's when he ordered me
to hit the tree, Your Honor.

Thank you, Mrs. Johnson.

I... I don't remember it
that way, do you?

Um, no, not exactly.

You may step down.

Mr. Warnimont, will you
kindly take the stand?

With pleasure, Your Honor.

The story that woman just told

is complete and utter poppycock.

Allow me to enter this evidence
as Exhibit A.

"The Order of the Crosswalk?"

With three oak leaf clusters.


Very impressive, Mr. Warnimont.

Please proceed
with your testimony.

Yes, of course.
And may I add

that you are a strikingly
beautiful woman

and that black
is definitely your color.

Oops.

I meant your robe.

Anyway... it did not happen

the way Mrs. Johnson said
at all.

I was the epitome
of calm and patience.

On the other hand,
her behavior was beyond belief.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I'm the fox the guys adore.

Betty dear,
before we get into the car,

do you remember
everything I taught you?

Yeah, sure.

Turn the key and floor it.

Come on, let's go play chicken.

I'm a wild child.

Betty dear, driving a car
is serious business.

Absolutely, Henry.

Hey, admiral, what do you say
you and I go AWOL?

I'm only looking
for a few good men.

Let's get down
to the dock, Henry.

I think the fleet's in. Whoa!

This driving business
is a piece of cake.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Watch.

Betty dear,
keep your eyes on the road

and your hands on the wheel.

Oh, loosen up, you old ham hock.

Yo, Leroy! It's me, Betty!

Wanna ride my pleasure mobile?

Excuse me, Betty,

but you're forgetting to steer.

I didn't forget.
I'm checking my lipstick.

Oh, Betty dear,
we're gonna hit that tree.

Step on the brake.

I only brake for sailors.

Succotash, succotash.

Hit the succotash!

And that, Your Honor,
is exactly what happened.

Only an imbecile
would rule in her favor.

Oops!

I think we've heard enough
from you, Mr. Warnimont.

No, let him keep talking.

Step down, Mr. Warnimont.

- Floozy.
- n*zi.

I'm having trouble understanding
the vegetable references.

Was there a produce market
involved in this accident?

No, Your Honor.

You see,
the succotash was the gas.

No, no, no.
The succotash was the brake.

Oh, yeah?
Then what was the gas?

- The beans.
- The beans.

Order, please!

What do you children know
about this accident?

We were in the backseat,
Your Honor.

We saw everything.

Why weren't these witnesses
introduced before?

- I don't know.
- I don't know.

Would you young ladies
kindly take the stand?

- Sure.
- Neat.

Come on, girls, tell the court
exactly what happened.

Well, it was just
like they said,

but totally different.

Henry was in the passenger seat.

And my grandma
was behind the wheel.

How am I doing, Henry?

If I'm steering wrong, tell me.

If I'm going too fast, tell me.

If I'm tailgating, tell me.

You're talking too much.

Thanks for telling me.

Betty, the speed limit here
is miles an hour.

Oh-oh. I'd better slow down.

No, you're only going
miles an hour.

I think that's fast enough
for the first time.

We go faster on skateboards.

Betty, do you see that tree
in front of us?

Yes, Henry. Why do you ask?

Because you're heading
straight for it.

Well, what do I do now?

You miss it, grandma.

- I know that, but how?
- You give me the wheel.

I will not.
I'm driving this car.

You call that driving? Let go!

No! You let go!

- Here comes the tree!
- Here comes the tree!

And that's pretty much the way
we remember it, Your Honor.

Is that the way it happened?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- Yes, Your Honor.

Do you two have
anything else to say?

- No, Your Honor.
- No, Your Honor.

It would seem then
that the fault of this accident

lies with both of you.

And I think if you take off
those silly neck braces,

you could settle this
yourselves.

Case dismissed.

Come on, Cherie.

This was a total waste of time.

Not for me.

I made three bucks.

I'm sorry, Henry.
I had to tell it the way it was.

You did the right thing, Punky.

It's always important
to tell the truth.

I guess I did embellish
the facts a little.

A little?

A lot.

Well, I guess I'll have to find
a new best friend.

Why?

Well, now that you and
Mrs. Johnson aren't speaking,

it just wouldn't feel right to
stay best friends with Cherie.

Oh, now wait a minute, Punky.

A friendship like yours
is just too hard to replace.

You mustn't let one
unfortunate incident destroy it.

You mean the way
you're letting one incident

destroy your friendship
with Mrs. Johnson?

Yes, I see what you mean.

I do regret having let this
thing get so far out of hand.

I'm going to ap...

a... apologize.

Alright.

Alright, Warnimont, park it.

Consider it parked.

We're good friends.

Too good to let a silly argument
come between us.

Yes, I know...

Don't interrupt
when I'm trying to apologize.

Henry, I'm real sorry.

So am I, Betty.

Tell you what, I'll split
the cost of repairing your car.

That's awfully decent
of you, Henry.

And I'll pay the full cost

of sending you
to driving school.

- Truce?
- Truce.

Did you use the

I'll have to find
a new best friend line too?

Yep. It worked like a charm.
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