Xena... Wake up...
What is it?
Foot rot!
Yeah, that's foot rot, all right!
It itches like crazy.
Well, there's nothing
I can do for you now.
Maybe if you had 'a kept it
dry like I told you...
No, no, no! It was your idea
to traipse through a dozen swamps
to get to this
god-forsaken place!
Why couldn't you just leave your horse
in a barn like a normal person?
Argo doesn't like
being couped up.
Besides, this valley's her home.
It's got plenty of space to run...
Lots of grass to eat...
Plenty of bugs...
Lots of infestation...
Hey, I didn't stop looking for you,
and the same goes for Argo.
What was that?
What?
Something just hopped out
of your bedroll.
Hold still.
What is it?
A bald spot?
No, it's lice.
I have not got lice. You think
I wouldn't know if I had lice?
Lice...
I don't think so.
Maybe if we put your
bedroll in the river...
This way.
Let it soak there, then slap it up
against a rock or two.
That would probably get rid
of the little buggers.
- This is Argo's trail. I'm sure of it.
- Then again...
It could be too late.
There might be a family of badgers
living in there by now.
Give it a rest, Gabrielle.
No, not till you clean up
your act, Xena.
Hey! I'm not the one
with a fungus among us.
Oh, yeah, that's poetic...
Did one of your bug friends
whisper that in your ear?
Did you hear that?
There she is.
She ran away.
Maybe it wasn't Argo.
It was Argo.
I know my own horse.
She didn't seem to know you.
Maybe she heard us
talking about the lice
and then she...
she was scared away.
All right, that's enough.
Oh, you wanna piece of me, huh?
Fine, I'll give ya a piece of me!
Come and get it. Come on.
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
I'm blind!
Oh, I can see.
It's a miracle!
Hi.
I figured I'd find you guys here.
The trail was too easy to follow.
Any idiot could find ya.
Evidently.
- What brings you here, Joxer?
- Well, I'm on a mission.
There's a band of marauders
that's raiding a village...
and they vowed to come back
and finish the job.
But the villagers paid me
to protect them.
So, let me guess.
You want our help?
No... No... No...
I've got things
completely under control.
- When do you want us to start?
- How's now sound?
- Fine.
- What about Argo?
She saw me.
She knows I'm here.
Ah, she'll probably
meet up with us later.
Ok.
Then, it's settled.
We're a team!
Joxer, the Mighty, and his
mighty band of mighty men...
Girls...
Uh... Mighty...
Joxer, the Mighty, and his fighting,
mighty, women fighters...
Fighting...
Mighty...
In a time of ancient gods...
...warlords...
...and kings...
A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...
She was Xena...
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...
...The power...
...The passion...
...The danger...
Her courage will
change the world...
That's strange...
Argo seems to be
deliberately avoiding me.
- Something's wrong.
- Yeah, you're telling me...
Xena...
It's green. It's red.
It's on the move.
- Something's bothering Argo.
- Hey! Hey! Human suffering here.
Xena, my fungus is
spreading like wildfire.
Gabrielle, just take your mind
off the itching.
What about breakfast?
We're out of food.
Ah, hang on.
Here's some berries.
No! Don't eat those.
They can play tricks on the mind.
Wait a minute.
There's a rabbit over there.
I'll catch the rabbit.
What? You're gonna
catch the rabbit?
Yeah!
After all these years of watching you
slaughter nature's creatures...
I can do this.
Look, I don't want you
near the food.
A lice-infested rabbit
is not on my diet.
I don't have lice!
It's dandruff!
It's a minor scalp irritation,
that's all.
Whatever.
I'll catch the rabbit.
Well, go ahead.
- No skin off my back.
- Hardy-har-har.
Joxer, tell me about
these marauders.
Oh, yeah. Well...
They thundered into
town on horseback
cutting down everything
in their path.
I tried to stop 'em, but,
of course, I was outnumbered.
- How many did you see?
- Up close and personal? One.
One man?
One fist... but it was headed
for my face at the time.
I did get this.
It's Scythian Kn*fe.
Is that bad?
Well, it ain't good.
Scythians are pure evil.
Look...
What a magnificent beast!
What are you waitin' for?
Get me that horse!
With a horse like that under me...
I'd be unstoppable.
And evil will rule the world!
Bunny?
Here, bunny, bunny, bunny,
bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.
Are ya hungry?
Come here, bunny.
Yeah.
It's good.
You're such a cute little rabbit.
Hey, don't scratch me!
So, those Scythians are
pretty good horsemen, huh?
The best.
Their warriors will stop at nothing.
They're tough and ruthless.
Oh, and their women
are rough and toothless.
How many roads
into that village?
One, but it's
pretty treacherous.
Well, that's good.
I'll have to work quickly but,
if I can block off that road...
Wait a minute, Xena,
wait a minute.
I know, I appreciate what you're tryin'
to do, but those villagers hired me.
And only Joxer, the Mighty,
is gonna stop those Scythians.
Joxer, I once knew a warrior
who tried to stop them.
They buried him in Sparta,
Athens and Carthage.
Whaddya mean?
They buried him in Sparta,
Athens and Carthage.
Think about it, Joxer.
Oh, it's a riddle!
Ok, can I do one?
A monkey, a rat and a beaver...
- Joxer...
- What?
Have you noticed
anything about my hair?
Oh... Yeah.
- Looks lovely!
- No!
Gabrielle...
She had this crazy idea about...
bugs or something.
Oh, your lice...
Yeah, I can see 'em from here.
I don't have lice.
Hey, listen. I just thought
ya liked bein' filthy.
Made ya look...
tough, or something.
- I'm not filthy!
- Hey...
I'm not the one who has the lice.
I don't have lice!
Well, girls, anyone want
some more radish stew?
You know... It's not my
favorite thing to eat, either.
But somebody let
the wittle wabbit get away.
Joxer...
You're lucky it was
me back there.
That little bunny would have
ripped your head off.
Well, I'm serious!
That was one tough rabbit.
Yeah, sure it was.
Real man-k*ller.
Xena...
If it'll make ya feel better,
I'll go look for Argo.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that'd take a load off.
She can smell me from miles away.
Here, Argo!
- Maybe she's enjoying her freedom.
- Argo!
No, she's angry.
Why?
I've never left her
alone for this long.
I know what it is.
She saw me ride off
on another horse!
Are you saying
that she's jealous?
She's hurt!
She's gotta be hurt by that!
Xena...
Maybe she's just visiting
her old haunts.
I mean, this is where
you found her, right?
Yeah...
Yeah, I thought she was the most
beautiful horse I'd ever seen.
We bonded immediately.
It was like we were
made for one another.
We even knew what
each other was...
Ah, yeah, that's it...
That's not my chakram that you're
scratching your fungus on, is it?
Yeah. Yeah.
It is your chakram.
Xena... Come on.
I just need relief!
Gabrielle!
Look, my fingernails are worn
to the nubs! I need to scratch!
No, you shouldn't be
scratching, anyway.
It'll only make things worse.
I'm not gonna give it to you.
Don't make me hurt you,
"Scabrielle"...
All right, "Eczema",
what're you gonna do?
You're gonna use your
pressure points...
Go on. Go ahead.
Go for it.
You can't touch me.
Come on, come on!
You're really tough now,
Warrior Princess?
I couldn't find Argo anywhere.
And we had such hopes...
Hey, your hands are tied!
You see, this was
Xena's idea of a joke.
Funny, huh?
You can untie me.
Ok.
Hey, where is Xena?
She went to start a rockslide
to block the path to the village.
Well, how are we
gonna get there?
She's starting it behind us.
Our path will be clear?
Anyone following us will be blocked?
Don't be such a...
A what?
Never mind!
Untie me... Please.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
You were just gonna
call me an idiot or a...
a dork or something,
weren't you?
Joxer, I just need a scratch!
Please!
All right!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to snap
your head off.
It's my fungus talking!
Joxer, come on,
you know how I feel about you!
How do you feel about me?
Well, you know...
I value your...
My what?
What?
What'd you say?
I don't think this is a really
good time... right now.
Oh, sure it is, Gabrielle.
Go on, spit it out!
Come on!
I don't ask for much.
I just want my pony back.
- Where's Gabrielle?
- Nature called.
No, it screamed
like a wild banshee!
You know...
Argo's a nice horse.
I'm sure a lot of people
would like to have her.
Are you out of your mind?
Argo wouldn't go to anybody else.
She'd die first!
Argo... Argo... Argo...
Someone walked by with an apple
and she followed him home.
That's what horses do!
What did you put
in my breakfast?
Just radishes and water.
Why?
My stomach feels like
monday morning in Tartarus.
You know... I just think you're feeling
a little puffy, irritable, and bloated today.
Give me the scroll.
Next time, find your own bush!
Girls, please, there's bushes
enough for everybody.
Watch behind you.
A landslide has
blocked the route that
the rest of the men
were to use to join us.
They'll have to take a detour
and that could take a while.
- Shall we proceed without them?
- No.
We'll wait here
till they get through.
Give me more time to break her.
You think that'll work?
I hope so.
I'd hate to have to k*ll
such a beautiful animal.
Fear not!
Joxer, the Mighty, has returned!
Here's the guy that ran out on us!
- Get him!
- Wait. Wait.
Wait, wait.
I'm Joxer, the Mighty, remember?
♪ Joxer, the Mighty ♪
♪ He roams through
the countryside... ♪
Oh, not that song again!
I can't get it out of my head!
The meter is awful!
k*ll him!
Now, wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold it, hold it.
Look, I realize you haven't been
real happy with my services, so...
I've recruited two
great warriors for you.
Meet Xena,
the Warrior Princess...
and her sidekick, Gabrielle!
They're gonna
defend our village?
Yeah, but we're gonna
need a little help!
Go to your houses and
collect together
all your your tools
and your weapons.
Give Joxer a list of
every able-bodied villager...
- and secure the outhouse.
- The outhouse?
- Is that important?
- It is to me!
Get out of my way!
Don't look, children.
- Oh, yeah.
- That'll teach ya.
What are you? Crazy?
The Scythians will wipe
the floor with these two.
Relax!
Everything's under control!
Listen, would you guys stop
scratching and picking
for a minute?
Everyone's gettin' nervous!
Would you go out there
and flex a little
warrior muscle,
please, and maybe...
k*ll something?
We're doing all we can to avert
an all-out w*r with the Scythians.
But in the unlikely event that
you will be called upon to act...
you'll need to use one of these.
I need a volunteer.
I pick you.
Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.
Don't be shy, your mother wasn't.
- All right, hold that. Got it firm?
- Yeah.
All right, you got it?
Oh, yeah, you got it!
Hold it. Even if everyone in
the village learns to use a sword...
we're still in trouble.
The Scythians have horses...
And lots of 'em!
Good point.
I'm glad you brought that up.
See, I'm lookin' for a horse....
My horse.
It's gold, with a white mane...
One horse? Doesn't sound
like much of a plan to me.
The Scythians could be
back at any moment.
What are you
gonna do about it?
Now, you listen to me!
We have already blocked the roads
so they won't be here for a while.
And that'll give us
time to prepare.
Here's what we'll need.
What is it?
A list of weapons?
Linseed root?
Willow bark?
Uh, yeah.
We'll also need
a room and a bath.
You can stay here.
And you're welcome to use
the town's natural mineral bath.
Good.
Gabrielle?
Let's go.
Hey...
You get used to the smell.
Are you sure this is necessary?
Only if you wanna
get rid of your fungus?
What do the Scythians want
with these people?
They're just poor...
They have nothing but mineral baths.
And greek fire.
What's greek fire?
See over there?
That's oil that's been heated
deep in the ground...
In the wrong hands
it can be very dangerous.
Guys! Guys!
Great news.
I talked to the villagers...
They've decided not to stone you...
Us.
Decided not to stone... me.
Xena, here's that
medicine you wanted.
You were right. All the villagers
are having stomach problems.
- How'd ya know?
- Just a wild guess.
Oh, well...
I got that list you wanted.
I've arranged all the villagers by
height, weight, and fighting ability.
So, I'm gonna go
marshal the troops.
Let's hope we feel better
before it comes to that.
This stuff stinks!
What is this?
Sheep dung?
Goat poo.
He's kidding, right?
Just...
Well, it's working, isn't it?
Why, I oughtta...
No, lady!
No, no, lady, lady! No!
Oh my god, she k*lled Kenny!
You Bastard!
You thinking about Argo?
It's hard not to.
Xena, I know how
close you too are.
But I don't think she's holding
a grudge against you.
You don't know how
moody she can be.
She doesn't open up to you.
She doesn't like me, does she?
What is it? Is it my personality?
What? My hair color?
The fact that I talk about her
like she's a real person?
You know... We gotta watch
for that innkeeper.
Why? What does he have?
What? What? Ringworm?
No, he's in with the Scythians.
How do you know that?
His place is the only one
in town that isn't damaged.
My guess is he's already
sent out a messenger
and a Scythian assassin
is on his way.
Maybe he'll put me
out of my misery.
- What are you drinkin'?
- Linseed root.
You said it was good for my skin.
On your skin.
You're not supposed to drink it.
Well, so...
I mean, what could happen?
Your mouth could go numb.
I can't feel my tongue.
Xena, I can't feel my tongue.
The numbness should
go away in a few days.
What?
It's not true.
What the...?
Gabrielle...
Wake up.
Stomach...
I did it.
Find out what you can.
Xena had just cut off the flow
of blood to your brain.
What?
What did you say?
I said that Xena had just cut off
the flow of blood to your brain.
Talk.
Talk!
Tell us what you know.
Help! Somebody!
Keep her away from me.
Keep talkin'.
All right...
I'm Euryalus.
My brother's is Acestus,
the leader of the Scythian army.
What's he got up his sleeve?
I'm not tellin' you
what he's got planned.
All right.
Gabrielle, go in there and
give him a nice, big kiss.
All right!
As soon as the rest of our men
arrive...
he plans to att*ck the town
from both ends at once.
He'll lead his elite guard
from the south.
I'll bring in the rest of
the army from the north.
I think the last part of
that plan's just changed.
You don't know my brother.
He's not gonna leave me
here in this jail cell to rot.
Don't tell us about rot!
It'd be easier if we had Argo.
- What?
- Argo!
Yeah...
It'd be a lot easier
if we had Argo.
Xena, what is it?
It's Argo!
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
That's it, girl!
Come on, it's me!
Here!
Tie this to the bars!
Come on!
We'll be back!
Greek fire, it will be ours!
And we will rule the world!
Come on!
I just can't believe that Argo
would let someone else ride her.
What we had was
such a beautiful thing...
I ruined it!
Boy, did you see that horse
that Scythian was ridin' on?
- What a beauty!
- Joxer!
Joxer, it was Argo.
It looked a little like Argo too.
He was kickin' her real hard.
No, no, no.
What?
Xena...
Maybe Argo didn't hear you.
Oh, she heard me all right.
So why was she lettin'
that bad guy ride her?
I don't know!
But I'm gonna get her back.
- Joxer...
- What?
- You're the secret w*apon!
- Me?
You're going to neutralize the rest of
the army, while I get my horse back.
I am?
I mean, I am.
The whole amy?
I don't know if my lice has fungus
or my fungus have lice.
Who is that?
This...
is the cook from Acestus' army...
who will ensure that
Joxer's made welcome.
Do you really think
that Joxer can do it?
Gabrielle, he gave the villagers
a stomach virus.
He gave us a stomach virus.
With any luck, he'll do the same
for the Scythian army.
- Did you see Argo?
- No, I didn't...
No, I didn't.
The Scythians treat
their horses really well.
The commander's horse'll have
her own tent... That one.
You keep an eye out.
Any sign of trouble,
just whistle.
Ok.
Remember now, Joxer,
you're the secret w*apon.
Oh, Joxer, the...
M-m-m-mommy!
What did you want?
Anyone hungry?
Hey, girl!
It's me.
I know I smell funny,
but I had kind of a tough week.
Look...
I know you've been mad.
I know that you've
been avoiding me.
But I've come back, and I'm never
gonna let you go again.
So let's get out of here, huh?
Thank you.
You know... I'm a graduate of
the Royal Athenian Academy of Cooking.
I cooked for the king...
before he d*ed.
Here you go.
A little for you.
A little for you.
A little more for you, big fella.
I was the cook for
the Royal Trojan Army.
Their legendary flatulence had
nothing to do with me, of course.
Ok.
Hey...
Now, you keep that
up and everybody's
gonna know that
we're here.
Let's go.
Gabrielle, you can whistle.
I am not leaving without you.
What else could go wrong?
I'm not givin' up on you, girl!
Xena!
This means the village
is unprotected.
Take the rest of the men.
Go strike the village at once.
- Right.
- I'll take care of her.
That oughtta do it.
Quick!
All you men, prepare to...
All right, Acestus...
Xena!
All right, girl, you want me?
You got me.
What are you doing?
Defend yourself!
Argo...
Here, let's get this
off you, huh?
Ok...
There...
There...
I knew you couldn't
do it to me, girl.
We've been through
too much together, huh?
You came pretty close, though.
Look out!
Wait there.
You need a lesson... in loyalty!
Nobody touches my horse!
- Come on! Come on!
- Get on it!
Are you all right, Xena?
I've never been better.
Come on.
Look...
I missed ya.
I missed ya so much...
Look...
I promise I will never leave you
alone for that long again.
I thought I was never
gonna get you back.
Just one thing...
How did Acestus win you over?
What did it?
Apples?
You left me for apples?
Well, thanks, pal!
Thank you, Joxer,
for saving our village.
Here's the five hundred
dinars we promised you.
Five hundred dinars?
That's a lot of dough!
With this kind of dough
I'm gonna buy...
buy you a new village.
Here, take this!
I can't accept it.
Grow. Prosper!
How can we ever repay you?
Well...
If you ever thought of
renaming your village...
Joxonia or Joxopolis...
I wouldn't object.
That was a nice thing you did.
You know, Gabrielle...
It's moment like that make
a warrior's life worthwhile.
If you think about it,
you brought down
the entire Scythian army without
spilling a single drop of blood.
- True.
- Yeah, you have talent.
It's contagious.
Yeah.
Joxer, the Mighty,
immune to all diseases.
♪ Joxer, the Mighty ♪
♪ Never gets a fever, ♪
♪ he's eager as a beaver. ♪
♪ He's Joxer, Joxer, the... ♪
How are you feeling?
I'll live.
This week's been kind of
tough on everyone, I guess.
But... You know...
I'm always there for you and...
you're always there for me.
Friends...
Ooh, I got all
the friends I need!