08x06 - Mom Mentor

[bunniefuu]

Dre: When your kids are
old enough to start dating,

you hope they don't pick duds.

And when Junior picked Olivia,

Bow realized he picked a winner.

If this was a real hospital,
you would totally get fired

- for making out in the operating room.
- Mm.

- You cannot do that.
- Right.

They were growing closer and closer...

"And that's why it would be an honor

to get a master's degree
from your fine institution."

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Okay, so, this application

is an opportunity for you
to show them who you are.

Right. So, you want to be
a little more personal...

like, a little more passionate.

And don't be afraid to sprinkle
in a little bit of White guilt.

- Mm. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- Okay. "To open my own practice... "
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

"... and provide help for
those that need it the most."

Sprinkle.

- "The underserved communities."
- More sprinkle.

- "Of color."
- Whoo! Yes!

That's what I'm talking
about. That's it. That's it.

That's the one. That's
the one. There you go!

So, why are you only
applying to three schools?

It's a common application.
Why are you limiting yourself?

It's kind of expensive to
apply to all of these schools.

Well, I would like to pay for it.

- Really?
- Yes, I would.

And so, I think you should
apply to the entire East Coast,

and include McGill because
those are Canadian dollars,

and that's not real money.

Well, thank you!

- You are welcome. Get in there.
- That's so sweet!

Soon, nobody could miss
Rainbow's influence on Olivia.

Wow! You two look like twins!

Yeah, the guy at the movie
theater thought so, too.

He said we looked like sisters,

so we're kind of leaning into it.

Olivia: Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- What? What, what, what?

Is Denzel single?

I got into Yale.

- Oh, my God!
- That is amazing!

We did... We did it!

Oh, my God!

- We did it!
- Yeah.

We did it! We got into Yale!

I got into Yale. I got into Yale.

I just didn't think a school like this

would ever even consider me, you know?

What? Why wouldn't they?

You are a star.

And I'm excited to be the
planet that is orbiting you.

That's sweet. This is amazing.

But in the big picture,
it doesn't change anything.

I'm excited to stay here
with Junior and go to USC.

Wait, wait, wait now.

You're not going to Yale?

No.

It's like if Idris
Elba hit on me at a bar.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, it's flattering,

but I'm happy with who I'm with.

SC is the place for me.

And besides, if it was
good enough for my mentor,

- then it's good enough for me.
- Awww!

Okay, you know what?

I am happy to teach you
everything there is to know.

I will even show you the best
place to throw up before a final.

You're always looking out for me.

I got you. I got you.

Oh, my God.

I almost forgot to call my mom.

I'll be right back.

Let's see her withhold praise for this.

Mm-hmm.

Looks like you got quite
a catch there, Junior.

Now all you have to do

is keep track of her ovulation schedule,

get her pregnant, and you've
trapped yourself a wife.

I'm not gonna do that, Pops.

Unh-unh. Hey, hey, hey.
You listen to your granddad.

Now, I'm gonna go get you a thermometer

so you'll know when to make your move.

All right, now! Hey!

It's not "all right, now."

While Mama was making
Junior a fertility calendar,

I took Jack and Diane to
be a part of a focus group

for the last spot I did for Urban.

So, just, uh, watch the ad
and tell us your thoughts.

Oh, and if any of your
mothers are single,

just write their numbers
on that clipboard.

[Chuckles] Okay.

♪♪

How was your day?

Terrible.

I got in a fight with Sophie,

and now I'm not allowed within feet

of the yearbook office.

You thought your day was bad?

I accidentally released
all of the biology frogs.

Well, I can't fix your problems,

but I can fix you lunch.

Announcer: Homestead Mayo. You're home.

Okay, uh, who would like to
share their thoughts on the spot?

Uh, yes.

For the record, that was clearly me.

And calling it a "fight"
implied that Sophie landed a few.

We'd like to speak to the manager.

♪♪

How is it okay for you to use things

that happen in our personal
lives in your commercial?

What are you talking about?

The frogs, Dad.

That was my story... my pain.

The next day, at lunch,
we had chicken wings, Dad.

That wasn't chicken.

I know it wasn't chicken.

Okay, look, I may have
borrowed, all right?

But that's part of the creative process.

You write what you know.

Besides, I put myself in there.

The only thing that looked
like you in that dang commercial

was the fridge.

You gonna make an ad about

how I think dogs can go to college?

Okay, look, since our
privacy isn't being respected,

from now on, we're
cutting you out, okay?

No more personal stories at dinner,

no more talking about
our days in the car,

and we're blocking you on Instagram.

Fine. Block me.

All right, but you'll
need my support and advice

before I need your little funky stories.

If you say so.

But when your next commercial
is about Pops and Grandma,

you'll know the truth.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Rainbow: Hey. Hi.

I knew I heard the sound of a woman

effortlessly juggling
her home life and career.

Hi, sweetheart. What are you doing here?

Oh, I just... I thought
I'd stop by for no reason.

Oh, I love it when you do that.

You know, i-i-it's funny...
I was thinking about

how much you have to manage,

all while being a
mentor to my girlfriend.

Aww. Thank you, honey.

Yeah, you know...

it just means so much to me to have

a mother and girlfriend
who are so close.

Olivia's like family now.

Do you know that Ruby has
started calling her her name,

and not "that girl"? Unbelievable.

You know, my world is just complete

now that she's in it
and we're all together.

It makes me so happy
that you're so happy.

I thought you'd feel that way.

[Gasping] Oh.

And that's why I need you to talk Olivia

out of going to Yale.

What do you mean "talk her out of it"?

She said she's not going.

Remember that whole Idris thing?

Oh, don't be naive, Mom.

You would leave Dad in
a heartbeat for Idris...

and so would Olivia.

She just doesn't know it yet.

I just know the more she
thinks about that beautiful,

British, chocolate man, the
more she's gonna want him.

Ooh. I mean, the...

Honestl...

Are we still talking about Yale?

Idris is Yale.

Oh, I get it.

- They're both irresistible!
- Absolutely.

It's only a matter of time
before she figures it out.

You know, I think she's already starting

to put two and two together.

I knew I heard the sound of a woman

effortlessly juggling
her home life and career.

[Chuckles]

Oh...

Why are you wearing a scarf?

Oh, it's just a little chilly in here.

This makes me feel cozy.

Mm.

I bet it does.

So she was wearing a scarf?

Mom, this was not a pashmina.

This was an apple-picking scarf.

She is planning on spending her fall

peeping leaves in New Haven!

But she already said
that she is going to USC.

Uh-huh.

So, all we have to do is make sure

that she doesn't get lured away.

She trusts you.

She listens to you.

You can nudge her in
the right direction.

[Gasps] Oh, n... Oh, no, sweetheart.

No, no, no, no. I don't... I don't...

I don't think this is something
I should get involved with.

All I'm asking you to do is
what is best for your little man.

Oh.

My mama, she loves me.

Oh, hon... Ooh.

Honey, I do. I love you so much.

Mama loves you.

Oh.

I... Okay, I mean...

I-I'll th... I'll think about it.

Oh!

- Okay.
- There she is.

There's the woman who would
lift a car off my body.

Jack and Diane were crazy

if they thought that cutting
me off was going to shake me up.

Well, then, no dinner for you.

- See if I care.
- [Cellphone swooshes]

I can't believe that Jack and Diane

think I need them to do my job.

I take their sorry little
stories and put them in one ad!

Mm, not just one ad.

What are you talking about?

Well, you did that
allergy medicine commercial

after Diane ate crab meat

and her face blew up like a beach ball.

- Okay.
- And after Jack got his head stuck in a stairwell,

you did that ad where
a kid released his head

from a banister using
Minnesota's Best Margarine.

That was a coincidence.

Then you did that tissue
ad where the dad was crying

as his twins graduated middle school

as John Cougar
Mellencamp's "Jack & Diane"

played in the background.

That proves nothing!

We're all influenced
by our surroundings!

Josh, he... he pitches ads about cats!

Stevens... he pitches ads about boats!

And, Ch... Charlie, you pitch ads

about the post office
and conspiracy theories!

How do they know where we live, Dre?!

- I...
- Fair point.

You know what? I can get inspiration

from this coffee pot or...

this charger.

Recharge your sandwiches
with Homestead Mayonnaise.

[Charger rattles]

I don't need them.

They're just being stupid.

- Hmm.
- [Cellphone chimes]

Oh.

My... my tracker is saying
that Diane is within miles

and gaining ground.

I'ma... I'ma head to the bunker.

Oh, thank God you guys are here.

I got to ask you a question.

Okay, um, [Clears throat]

Junior has asked me to convince
Olivia not to go to Yale,

which now sounds like
it's her first choice.

But I also feel like I would
never tell a young woman

to pass up an opportunity for a guy.

Now this sounds like
the kind of predicament

I would never understand,

but since I'm a man, I got an opinion.

If you ask me,

real love is the only
thing that matters here.

Once you find that special person...

as I did many years ago...

no job, no distance,
nothing can keep you from it.

That's right, baby.

Didn't you cheat through
your entire marriage?

Whoa, whoa. I've seen you
double-dipping the guacamole.

I didn't call you out.

I'm just saying they deserve a chance.

Okay, so, you're on the side

of supporting Junior's happiness

over what might be good for Olivia.

Of course you put your sons first.

That's your job as a mother...

even if it is a personal sacrifice.

See, many years ago,

Dre made a choice that I
had a real problem with.

Mm-hmm.

But did I say anything? Hell, no.

- Mnh-mnh.
- [Scoffs]

'Cause he's my son, and...
and he said he was happy.

So I let him go through with it,

even though I thought he
was making a huge mistake.

You're talking about me, aren't you?

Not everything's about you, Rainbow.

But just to be clear,
she's talking about you.

Okay.

Look, my point is, is, on your deathbed,

you'll never regret
putting your son first.

After all, sometimes, when you do that,

you get something good out of it.

[Chuckling]

Thank you. Thank you, Ruby.

- You're welcome, baby.
- Helpful. Okay.

But now, you do put
your husband first, hmm?

Oh, absolutely, baby.
You know that, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Unless Dre needs anything.

While Olivia's future
weighed on Bow's mind,

I was making magic without
relying on my kids' stories.

[Sighs, groans]

This is trash.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Thought you might like
the last slice of...

[Sniffs] chocolate cake.

Mm. Leave the cake and go.

Okay. I'll put it on your desk.

Oh.

"A" -minus, huh?

Seems like there's a story behind that.

Nice try.

We're not the free-samples
lady at the grocery store.

You can't just take and take
with no intention of buyin'.

Fine.

[Singsong voice] Jack.

Here you go.

I thought you might like the
last slice of chocolate cake.

So...

I had a long talk with Diane.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

She told me about your
wild day at school today.

But you know how she can exaggerate.

So, you want to tell me
about it in your own words?

Come on, Dad. I know what you're doing.

I know that you lied about Diane

and you're just trying
to get stories out of me.

Well, I got a story for you...

Jack don't cr*ck.

Now go put that in your little ads.

Turned out, my kids were
serious about locking me out.

Meanwhile, Bow was having better luck

getting Olivia to let her in.

[Both laugh]

Well, I really appreciate
you for having me over.

This has been a really
stressful time for me.

Oh, you mean the whole
grad school decision?

Yeah.

Well, listen, the good news is,

you can't make a bad choice.

- Right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, USC is a great school,

and I got an incredible education there.

Right. Right.

I met some of my best
friends and the best part was,

I didn't have to be far
away from the people I loved.

Right, right. And that's
why it was my first choice.

Yeah.

USC was always my dream school,

but then Yale was the school

I wouldn't even let myself dream about.

I totally get it.

- Yeah.
- But it's so far away.

- Right.
- You know what I mean?

- It's, like, in Connecticut.
- So far.

- And it's cold there.
- Right.

I mean, you can't wear an
open-toe shoe, I'll tell you that.

And if you get a pedicure,
nobody's gonna see it

for eight months out of the
year, you know what I'm saying?

[Both laugh]

But USC... I just feel like
USC is such a good fit for you.

And selfishly, it's so nice for me

to have, like, a young,
Black, smart woman

just following in my footsteps!

What?! Okay?

Okay, well, thanks for
supporting me, Dr. Johnson.

Oh, my God. It's my pleasure.

What you say to me,
it really means a lot.

Oh, ba...

No, even more than my parents.

Oh.

- It's nothing.
- No, it's... it's huge.

Oh.

The fact that someone that I trust

has been through all of this before...

- Yeah.
- ... makes all of the difference.

I don't know if you realize
how important your advice

and mentorship have been to me.

So, if you think that
USC is the right choice...

then that's the choice I'm gonna make.

Ahhh. Go to Yale.

Excuse me?

Go to Yale, and don't look back, okay?

I will use my miles
to pay for your ticket.

You need to get... to... Yale.

- Go to Yale!
- But...

Oh!

Jah... unior!

Why would you do this
to your little man?

I-I just don't understand.

You were supposed to
convince her to stay!

But instead, you told her to leave me?

No, I-I did not tell her to leave.

She said that you said to go
to Yale and don't look back.

Wh...

I was really excited for her.

It's a really great school, Junior.

Look, I know you're upset, but
I had to tell her the truth.

And I can't hold her back,
and I know that, deep down,

you don't want to hold her back, either.

Oh, no. I-I absolutely do.

Junior!

What? You know what?

I will compensate by
boosting three other women.

I just... I cannot lose Olivia!

It'll ruin me!

I'll probably take up smoking.

Do you hear yourself?

Please tell me that you did not
react this way when she told you.

And that's why I think
I want to go to Yale.

Oh.

I see.

I, um...

I reacted in a way that
I think I can be proud of.

Okay.

All right, sweetheart,
I know that you love her,

but if you're gonna be in a relationship

that is gonna last the long haul,

or if you're gonna be the kind of couple

that can survive all of the things

that life is gonna throw at you, then...

you got to lift her up...

not hold her back.

I guess I'm so scared to lose Olivia

I didn't really think
about what she'd be losing

by not going to Yale.

I'm being selfish, aren't I?

Oh, my angel.

Love can turn us into monsters.

One time, I threw a bag of Nair

at one of Dre's ex-girlfriends.

[Chuckles] What?

But, um, what I'm saying is that...

... sometimes, you just got
to make really hard choices

when you're in love, okay?

I believe in you.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay.

While Junior had some
serious thinking to do,

I realized the well had run dry.

I was getting desperate.

You got to tell me something.

Anything!

Who pinched who?

Hmm? Who pooped their pants?

I don't know.

[Sighs]

What kind of kindergarten
am I paying for?

I need something relatable to sell cars.

Had to take another
hit off that pipe, huh?

Couldn't get enough of our
sweet, sweet brain ideas,

could you, pookie?

Pathetic.

Okay.

Look, you guys were right.

I got nothing.

Maybe I am relying on you too much.

But you guys are where I
get my inspiration from.

You know, when it's time
for me to tell stories

and get people to feel something,

I go to the place where
I feel something... home.

Well...

I guess I could explain why
I smell like street tacos.

Wait.

Before we tell our stories,

from now on, we need to
be fairly compensated.

Mm.

A hundred a pitch...

a thousand if the ad gets made.

- Deal.
- Okay, so, it was around :

when we drove past this taco truck

with a giant chicken on top.

Now, it wasn't a normal chicken.

He was wearing overalls.

Uh, what color overalls?

Turns out, my kids
have always held me up.

I was proud of who they'd become.

Hey.

Hey.

Got you something.

Aww.

Aww.

It's an extra large

so you can still wear a
bunch of sweaters underneath.

Mm.

You're gonna want to layer.

Look, when you got into Yale,

all I could think about
was what it meant to me,

because I'm scared to lose you.

Well, you're not gonna lose me.

Look, I know it'll be hard,

but we can make this work long-distance.

I'll FaceTime you three times a day.

We'll use our air miles
to visit each other.

I'll even schedule my
classes so that we can watch

" Day Fiancé" together.

But it'll be on at like : your time.

I'll drink coffee. I don't care.

We're gonna make this work, okay?

We have to.

Hell, I'm best friends with your mama.

I don't know if we have a choice.

[Both laugh]

It's not always easy
to do the right thing...

especially when the right
thing costs you the most.

Here's a toast to future
Yale grad Olivia Lockhart.

Whoo!

Oh, Olivia, you're gonna
love it at White Howard.

You know, we actually
worked out the math,

and we'll be able to see each
other at least once a month.

All I have to do is hop on
a direct flight to Hartford.

Then, it is a one-hour train ride...

plus a short cab ride... to see my lady.

Wait till she tries to find
good barbecue in New Haven.

- Well...
- Hey, mazel tov!

- Mazel tov!
- Mazel.

Olivia: You know, I just
really want to thank you all.

You've become, like, my second family.

Aww.

Olivia, we will always have your back.

[Chuckles] And mine.

I hope this is the right
time to bring this up,

but with rent being the way that it is,

I will, um...

probably have to move back in.

Party's over!

- Party is over. Come on. Give it up. Give it up.
- Come on, Dad.

Olivia, you getting into
Yale is the worst thing

that's ever happened to this family.

Thank you.

Thank you, son. Goodbye.

All right, I'm headed
to the grocery store,

so let me know if you
guys need anything special.

You know, we've been thinking about

your long-distance situation,

and we've got some
experience in that area.

Back in the ' s, I used
to work on this offshore rig

out in the Gulf of
Mexico, and every week,

I would get an erotic
drawing from your grandmother.

[Laughs] I tried to send pictures,

but the boys at the Fotomat

- kept stealing 'em, you know.
- Mmm.

Oh, God!

And then there was the time
I was traveling the country

defending my welterweight
foxy-boxing title.

Ding ding!

Earl would send me tapes of him

reading the Barry White lyrics.

And lots of "Penthouse" letters.

Okay, you know what?

I think I'm just... I'm gonna go.

Yeah, you know...

That Barry White stuff was real good.

I wouldn't mind another one
of them exotic drawings...

you know, something like
in your foxy-boxing outfit.

Ruby's boobies just everywhere.

Oh, well...