08x13 - Joel Hurwitz Returns

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

Any last words, McPherson?

You're k*lling an innocent man!

May God have mercy
on your soul.

[Static pops]

Oh. What's wrong with
that thing now?

[Clanging]

Stop the execution!
We have new evidence!

The nanny cam my wife used

to catch me cheating on her
with the nanny!

I forgot all about it!

The m*rder w*apon was planted
in McPherson's room!

By a g*dd*mn robot?

[Mechanical laughter]

And I almost got away with it, too!

[Laughs]

I framed this fool for m*rder

knowing he'd get
the electric chair!

You see, my fetish
is oblivious hand jobs!

[Laughs]

Oh, but I've been flipping
that switch for weeks!

Thanks for the spanks!

L.O.L.!
R.O.F.L.!

[Laughs]

Announcer: "Robot Chicken" presents

the first-ever $ million
Kickstarter campaign ...

"Handjob Robot"!
A two-hour feature film.

Pledge now ... get a tote bag.

Whacking off Summer
briefly in theaters!

Oh, gah... right, I get it.

[Thinking] My name is Matt Murdock.

An accident with
a chemical truck took my sight

but enhanced my other senses.

Now I protect Hell's Kitchen
as Daredevil.

[Sniffing]

- Uh, w-what are you doing?
- Oh, I'm Bill Smith.

An accident with
a chemical truck took away

my sense of taste but enhanced
my sense of smell.

Now I sniff out crime...

[Sniffing dramatically]
...as the Schnozz.

[Licking]

- Ugh.
- That's not sanitary at all.

What?!
Sorry, I'm Theresa Johnson.

An accident with
a chemical truck took my hearing

but enhanced my sense of taste.
[licking]

Now I give crime a lickin' as Taste-T.

Get it?
"Tasty."

- That is very clever.
- [yelling] What?

Smells like he was
thrown off the roof.

This guy wasn't k*lled here.
He was thrown off the roof.

- That's what I just said!
- What?

Oh, there's the body.
Hi. I'm Tim Kelly.

An accident with a
chemical truck took my sense

of direction but gave me
a fabulous sense of style.

Now I disrobe crime as
the Dresser.

And he should not have worn that
to his death.

- What?
- What?!

- Wait, wait!
- Another one?

- Are you [bleep] kidding me?
- I can't kid.

An accident with a chemical
truck took my sense of humor,

but enhanced my sense of urgency.
I'm Urgencia.

No, no, no, no.
A chemical-truck accident

could not take
your sense of humor.

That's what she said.

- I stand corrected.
- What?!

- You play baccarat well, mister...
- Bond.

[Slurping]

No first name, or...
[Slurping]

At any rate, how about
we play a more inter...

James Bond.
[Sighs]

- I call this game Mastermind.
- What are the rules?

Behind this shield,
I've placed four colored pegs.

You have chances

to guess the proper colors
in the proper order.

Child's play.
[music]

Very good, Mr. Bond.

You have guessed
three correct colors,

but only one of them
is in the correct position.

Therefore,
I've placed two white pegs,

signifying two of the colors
are correct,

but in the wrong position.

And one black peg,

Signifying correct color in
the correct position. Go again.

So sorry, Mr. Bond.

Now you have but one white peg
and one black peg.

Not only have you guessed
one fewer correct color,

but you can't be completely
certain that the color

you placed in the same
order as the previous turn

is actually the color
earning the black ...

- Die! [g*nshots]
- How dare you ...

I'd rather get butt-slammed
with a calculus textbook.

Buttslam? That's my name.
Fancia Buttslam.

, did you get the
nuclear launch codes?

Whoops.

Hey, man.

What if we're not white
with black stripes, man?

Like, what if we're, like,
black with, like, white stripes.

Dude. Seriously.

Have you ever, like [bleep]
looked at your hooves?

There is, like, this world
inside your hooves

- waiting for you, just waiting.
- Whoa.

- [Gasps] It's Johnny!
- He's gonna play Simon!

- I am so wet right now.
- Nobody beats Sim... What?

Aah! Oh, my God.
Oh!

[Beeping]

- Thank you, Simon!
- Johnny, you're amazing!

With your sick Simon skills,

you could do anything you want in life!

[Echoing] Life!

Next customer.

Yeah, hi.
Can I get one hard taco,

one soft taco, one medium taco,
one taco pizza,

one taco combo taco,
one spicy taco combo,

taco plate ... no, wait.

Make that one soft taco,

two taco supreme tacos
with extra taco bits,

one vegan taco with bacon,

and a Dr. Brown's celery tonic.

[Cash register dings]
Thank you, Simon!

Uh, my name's Joel.

Are you gonna get my food?

[Farting]
[Beeps]

[Farting]

[Pooping violently]

Get out of there, Snake!
[Beeping]

Great move.
Let's continue the mission.

Ha! They don't call me
"Solid Snake" for nothing.

[Laughs]

Flush.
[Toilet flushing]

[Alarm blaring]

- You cheated!
- Don't tater-hate the tater-player!

Tater-hate the tater-game,
tater-hater!

Taters gonna tate!

Oh, Martin.

While we still have
these moments together,

- I want you to know that I love you...
- Excuse me, sorry.

I got to change the battery
in that smoke detector.

[grunts]
Let me just get up in here.

Oh, no, no, it's cool.
He ... He d*ed hours ago.

- Hey, Party Popple!
- Hey, Pancake Popple!

Where's Putter Popple!

Jesus Christ, I've had my face
pressed up against my balls for hours.

Are there scrote marks
on my nose or what?

I mean [bleep] me.
Anyway, what's up, guys?

Well, I've got no idea how to
put him back together again.

Let's see if the horses
have any suggestions!

What do you say, guys?

Any thoughts on
putting Humpty Dumpty

back together again?

[Snorts]

- Well, it was worth a sh*t.
- Dave, you're an assh*le.

[Laughs]
Yay!

Wow.
That was fun, sisterhood.

But you know what time it is.

All: Time to pass
the Traveling Pants!

Here you go, Tibby.

[Sniffs] Ugh!
What the hell is that?

Both: Ew!

It's not fair!
I always get the pants during

our synched-up period week!

[Sobbing]

- It was bound to happen eventually.
- Oh, that's real rich, Bridget.

As rich as that turd you blasted!
[Gasps]

Admit it ... this isn't blood!

- You sh*t the Traveling Pants!
- [Gasps] Is it true?

Yeah! I did it!

I sh*t the pants!
And I'd do it again!

[Farting]

Great.
Now I sh*t my pants.

Narrator: And that's when the Traveling
Pants made one final journey ...

to goodwill.
The end.

Bridget, did you
sh*t the curtain, too?!

[Dance music plays]

Yeah, yeah, now take
the lord's name in vain!

I'll make it rain
for days and nights!

Together: Five little monkeys,
jumping on the bed!

One fell off
and bumped his head!

Mama called the doctor
and the doctor said...

I'm calling
child protective services.

Micronauts, no longer will we
travel around Micropolis

with antiquated vehicles
like these.

[Creaking]

Starting today,
we will race around the city

fighting evil
at the speed of compressed air!

Behold!

I only have one question ...
does it sh**t toilet plungers?

Because if it doesn't, I'm out.

[Clang]

Uh, time traveler, it's, uh,

- kind of hard to move in this thing.
- That's the point, Membros.

Otherwise, the pressure could
rip your arms and legs off.

What?! J-Jesus, are you sure
this thing is safe?

It's just air, you baby.
Now, get in there.

If my calculations are
correct, he's currently

riding across town on
a gentle cushion of air

at miles an hour.

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

Oh [bleep]!

G-Grandma and Sparky?

But you're ...
you're both dead!

My address in heaven
is West Cloud Avenue.

Look me up when you
get here in a minute.

Do ... Do you mean a literal
minute or a heaven minute?

I don't know what that means.

In you go.
Come on, in you go.

Spread out far and wide and
keep the city safe from evil.

So, how do I stop it
when I get to my exit?

- Are there brakes?
- Brakes?

[Chuckles]
Of course there are brakes.

They're right over there.

Oh [bleep] me.

Oh [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

Here! H-Here you go!
Use these!

Duck and cover!

[Groaning]

- Grandma!
- Well, you sure d*ed stupid.

Oh, yeah, and slipping
on a patch of ice

was a real hero's death.

Here's your medal of honor.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

Ba-Gawk!
Bawk.