09x00 - Freshly Baked Santa Claus' Pot Cookie Freakout (special) Special Edition

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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09x00 - Freshly Baked Santa Claus' Pot Cookie Freakout (special) Special Edition

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ It's a happy, sappy Christmas ♪
[Music]


♪ It's a sugar-coated dream ♪

[Music stops]
[Groans]

Everything okay back there, chief?

[Groans loudly]

[Cellphone vibrates]

[Groans] What?

Santa, you left before the elves
could say, "Good luck."


ALL: Good luck, Santa!

Oh. It must be nice
to be off the clock.

Whoops!
Going through a tunnel.

- What the H-E-double-candy-canes?
- "Hejj"?

[Grunting]

[Curtly] Merry Christmas.

I need a break from staring
at reindeer assh*le.

Not me!

A LUNA bar? What, like
my tits aren't big enough?

Hello.
Time for an upgrade.

[Eating loudly]

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Wha... Wha... Wha...
Oh, my god!

[Distorted] Merry Christmas.

What is happening?

Buckle up, fat boy.
[Laughs mischievously]

Oh!
Whoa!

[Moaning]
[Rock music]

That's big.
[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Okay.
This is weird, guys.

Aah!

_

[Thud]
[Bell rings]

Let's get a shine
on my superstars.

- Last-minute change to the opening number.
- Ohh. What?

Verses two and three got
switched, use the alt on six,

and S&P says,
"Ah. Can't use the M-word."

- What is the M-word?
- Attaboy!

[Cheers and applause]

I don't know this song. Why ...

Why is my foot tapping?
[Swing music]

♪ Oh, naughty and nice ♪

♪ You better think twice ♪

♪ I'm watching you ♪

♪ Watching you ♪
[Chuckles]


♪ When you forget to flush ♪

♪ 'Cause you're in a rush ♪

♪ When you torrent this song ♪

♪ or you Snapchat your dong ♪

♪ You bogart that roach ♪

♪ Catfish your coach
Look out! ♪

♪ I'm watching you ♪

♪ I'm watching you ♪

♪ You won't see me in your vent ♪

♪ When you pitch a tent ♪

♪ Got a r*cist thought? ♪

♪ Oh, brother, you're caught ♪

♪ Just like your dead nana ♪

♪ I'm always watching you ♪

♪ Woo woo woo woo ♪

♪ Hey, you know that time
you saw your sister shower ♪

♪ Then you whacked off
times in an hour ♪

♪ You were not alone
with that guilty bone ♪

♪ I was all up on you
like Jack Bauer ♪

♪ You are not bound by human laws ♪

♪ when your name is Santa Claus ♪

♪ I am watching you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[Music]

What if each atom in my hand
is a solar system,

and that's made up
of tiny solar systems, and ...

and what are you looking at?

"Elf on a shelf."
How about elf on life support?

Aah!
[Grunts]

I don't need elves.

When we started out,
there were only, like, ,

[bleep] Christian kids on Earth.

Now, there's a billion
of those little shits!

A good gift used to be
a slide whistle.

- Now, look at this sh*t!
- What do I know

about programming
facial recognition software?

- I'm a cobbler.
- It used to be so [bleep] simple. [Music]

♪ A block of wood,
salt lick, hobby horse ♪


♪ Pogo stick, Silly Putty,
Super Balls ♪


♪ Lincoln Logs and Kewpie dolls ♪

♪ Yo-yo, hula hoop,
motorized ice cream scoop ♪


♪ Play-Doh was a piece of cake ♪

♪ Viewmaster, Easy-Bake ♪

♪ Kaleidoscope, G.I. Joe ♪

♪ Holly Hobbie, Lego ♪

♪ Chatty Cathy, Barbie, Ken ♪

♪ Things were so much better then ♪

♪ Please have more abortions ♪

♪ To help the kid-to-elf ratio,
consider fellatio ♪


♪ Or convert to Islam ♪

♪ Or consider Hindu ♪

♪ Or become a Jew,
a Jew, a Jew, a Jew ♪


♪ Lawn darts, Slip 'N Slide ♪

♪ Elf-assisted su1c1de ♪

♪ Battleship, Rubik's cube ♪

♪ Richard Nixon Underoos ♪

♪ Potato Head, Sit 'N Spin ♪

♪ Teddy [bleep] Ruxpin ♪

♪ Cabbage Patch, Nintendo ♪

♪ Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh! ♪

♪ Tamagotchi, Game Boy ♪

♪ What happened to the simple toys ♪

♪ Beanie Baby free fall
nothing left to recall ♪


♪ Walkman, iPods ♪

♪ Technology is your new God ♪

♪ Let's be more like China ♪

♪ Where they limit the kids
that come from your vag*na ♪


♪ Let's be more like China... ♪

The elves, they all hate me.
I've got to apologize.

Wait, who stole my phone?

Was it Jerry?
Siri, fire Jerry!

Oh. Damn it.

Sorry, Jenny McCormick.
Looks like you get a slide whistle.

[Ringing]

ALL: Santa!

Oh, my precious, loyal elves, I ...

I haven't shown you
enough gratitude.

As my idol Helen Keller once said,
"Walking with a friend..."

[Groaning inanely]

- What the [bleep] is happening here?
- [Silently] Screenshot that sh*t.

[Babbling]

Hey, kids.
Krampus and the Coal Humps here.

Want a fun, practical gift
in your stocking?

Easy.

♪ Just be bad ♪

- # B-B-Bad
- # Make your sister cry #

- # That's bad #
- # Moon a cop #

- # Ooh, that's bad #
- # Trip your grandma #

- # Damn, that's bad #
- # Pee in the pool #

- # So bad #
- # Light your farts on fire #

- # Pretty cool #
- # Yell, "b*mb," in an airport #

- # Oh, don't do that #
- # Never return oral sex #

♪ That's rude ♪

Yeah.
It's the worst, Jenna.

Your friends at Big Coal
want you to know that coal

is part of the fabric
of Christmas and America,

so being a terrible person
isn't just good. It's patriotic.

God bless us, every one.

Oh, God.
The world is a pile of wet garbage.

[Echoing] I'm so alone.

♪ What's the point
of Santa Claus? ♪


♪ A big, fat flop
who's full of flaws ♪


♪ Jesus is king,
you're just a pawn ♪


♪ No one will miss you
when you're gone ♪


♪ No one over eight
believes you're real ♪


♪ The world thinks you're a lie ♪

♪ And your wife's side piece is Jerry ♪

♪ He's an elf ♪

♪ And Tim Allen plays you
better than yourself ♪


♪ Tim Allen! ♪

♪ It's weird how you were
made by Coca-Cola, ♪


♪ Corn syrup's favorite son ♪

♪ You're just a corporate stooge
who lives up on an ice cube ♪


♪ Cube, cube, cube ♪

[Sobbing] I hate being Santa Claus.

[Gasps] Oh, my gosh.
It's Santa!

[Music]

- Santa?
- Ah, [bleep]!

- What the [bleep]?
- It's me. Remember?

Last year,
I visited your workshop.

The elves turned into zombies.

In college, you and Krampus
had a three-way with my mom.

Don't let them touch the ground.

- What?
- Our memories will die.

Huh?
Oh. My mom's cancer cookies?

Oh, [bleep].
Your mom has cancer?

[Inhales sharply]
That sucks.

She says it's more like
recreational cancer.

I've looked into the void, kid,
and you know what I saw?

A [bleep] void.
I'm empty inside.

I'm putting Christmas on ice.


You just need to remember
what Christmas is all about.

Let me tell you a little story.

- This story sucks.
- Well, not the way I tell it.

Santa? Santa!
[Music]

[Gobbling]

- Santa.
- I'm coming down, kid.

I got to chase this high!

Well, a cocktail
of Viagra, Oxy, Ritalin,

Midol, and packets
of Emergen-C,

is not safe for a man your age.

I'll be fine once I wash it all down

with these Mentos and
a -liter of Coke. [Chomps]

No...
[Slow-motion]...ooooo!

[Screams, vomits]

Another mall Santa OD.
Every year, they drop like flies,

- highest su1c1de rate next to dentists.
- This is the real Santa!

We're losing him.
Rib-spreader.

But I hardly know her.
[Laughs]

This is why I take
the Christmas shift.

That's the fattest heart
I've ever seen.

It looks like someone put
a basketball in a microwave.

- He's flat-lining!
- You mean "fat-lining." [Both laugh]

Oh, Allen, marry me.

JESUS: We meet at last.

I can't believe it.
I-I am a huge fan.

- Yes. Yes, my son.
- You're Joker in the "su1c1de Squad."

- It was amazing.
- I'm Jesus, you [bleep] idiot.

Ho-ho. That's just what
Jared Leto would say.

You've served me well for centuries,
so many good birthdays.

Christmas is a corporate racket

teaching kids the spirit of greed.

Let me break it down for you.

Jesus magic, go!
[Music]

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh,
oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪


♪ Ho, ho, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus, got a message,
you should hear it ♪

♪ I heard that you lost
your Christmas spirit ♪

♪ Your job is more
than just making toys ♪

♪ You've also been
spying on little boys ♪

♪ You're the reason snail mail
still gets written ♪

♪ You and Christmas go together
like a hand in a mitten ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh,
oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪


♪ Every X-mas,
Christians be like... ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ But I know my peeps
are really looking your way ♪

♪ I got famous for
dying up on a cross ♪

♪ You got famous because
you're a big pimping boss ♪

♪ The Big Papa, the Loaded
Locker, the Red Menace ♪

♪ Ask any girl, they'll say
I ain't got a micro-penis ♪

♪ They call me Peter Rabbit
because I make it rain lettuce ♪

♪ And all the shorties know
I make it rain presents ♪

♪ Dropping Christmas joy
like legal grade-A kush ♪

♪ Got my white trim,
trimming Christmas bush ♪

♪ Santa is back to life,
just like Mr. Spock ♪

♪ Let me reiterate
I have a massive... ♪

- Yeah. We got it! Cool.
- [Sighs] I'd love to stay,

but my mission on Earth isn't done.

Happy birthday, Jesus,
and Merry Christmas.

- Happy holidays.
- You son of about bitch.

I feel it again.
The Christmas spirit lives within me.

Ho-ho-ho!

[Chuckles lightly] Wha...
Where the hell am I?

[Muffled scream, hitting]
Ahh. Again?

This place is a
necrophiliac's nightmare.

There's a man in here!

- So you really met Jesus?
- Yeah.

And all I can say is
#HeavenSoWhite.

And you love Christmas again?

Hey, does an elf sh*t in the snow?

I really should build them
an outhouse or something.

- Santa!
- Santa! Baby!


Merry Christmas to all,
and one more thing ...

Legalize it!
Ho-ho-ho!

Marijuana.

Is anyone going to deliver
the [bleep] presents this year?

You're just dying for my face

- in your ass again, aren't you?
- [Bleep] you.

- [Bleep] you.
- [Bleep] you!

[Music]

♪ It's a happy, sappy Christmas ♪

♪ It's a sugar-coated dream ♪

♪ Eating gingerbread
and candy canes ♪


- # With an enema of whipped cream #
- [Bleep] yeah!


♪ Dog shorts, diabetes ♪

♪ You should lose a few L-Bs ♪

♪ I heard him moan
but then drove home ♪


♪ And ate my Christmas cheese ♪

♪ Then I munched on deep-fried
fruitcake for a snack ♪


Huh?

♪ sh*t another can of whipped
cream up my ass ♪ [Snoring]


You have got to be
sh1tting me right now, Jenna!

♪ When the surgeon cut me feet off ♪

♪ He gave me such a frown ♪

♪ But you'll never stay unhappy ♪

♪ With a whipped cream can around ♪
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