04x01 - Ugh, Those Feels Again

[bunniefuu]

♪ Si te hicieron daño ♪

♪ Ven pa darte tu remedio ♪

♪ No perdamos tiempo ♪

♪ Vamos a montarnos en esta
nota que está heavy, heavy ♪

You know when you're watching
a romantic comedy

or reading a romance novel

or, in my case, reading the
CliffsNotes to a romance novel,

and the anticipation builds and builds

to that one special moment

where everything magically
falls into place

and those characters
you have been rooting for

finally get together?

Well, for me, this is that moment.

Hey, bae.

Hey.

Yeah, that's right.

We are officially baes now...

two weeks and going strong.

ZOEY: I mean, we've had
some ups and downs.

♪ Dale, pégate ♪

♪ Que aquí se vale todo, todo,
todo, todo, todo ♪

Aaron, as much as I love you,

I can't start our story like this.

I love you, too.

I want our story to start now.
Like... right now.

♪ Vamos a montarnos en esta
nota que está heavy, heavy ♪

- [Cellphone chimes]
- Oh.

[Cellphone bloops]

[Gasps] Aar Bear, they're here.

- We've talked about this.
- Hmm?

We're not gonna make "Aar Bear"
a thing, right?

- Right. Of course not, Aar Bear.
- Right.

Okay, I am so sorry for that one.

Last time, I promise. Let's go!

♪ I said, "Hasta luego, mami, fuego" ♪

♪ Pipe me down, he bilingual,
daddy leggo ♪

♪ Yo quiero ♪

♪ And he said, "Ay, mami,
me vuelves loco" ♪

♪ I bad lil' mami like soca ♪

ZOEY: Since this was the summer
before our senior year

and our chances to make those

special college moments together

would be coming to an end,

I wanted to go big...

extra big, grande even...

by organizing a weekend for all of us

to drink, bond, and make
new memories in Mexico.

♪ Know what you like, muy attractivo ♪

♪

All right, welcome sh*ts this way,
everybody.

Okay, guys, glasses up.

In the spirit of us being together

and getting back to our freshman days

of all love, zero drama, loads of fun,

this weekend, I have planned
nonstop activities

from sunrise to sunset!

Can I get an "olé"?!

Olé, baby.

Thanks, babe. But anyone else?

Olé?

Olé?

Yeah, no, we're really not

trying to be around you like that.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Oh.

- Hmm.
- Ooh!

♪

No me gusta this moment.

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'mma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

- ♪ I'm grown ♪
- ♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

Look, Zo, it's nothing personal.

But, you know, on the car ride here,

after we decided that Dave Chappelle

and Bokeem Woodbine are
pretty much the same person,

we also decided that nobody
should feel obligated

to entertain the other

and be attached at the hip all weekend.

Right, but this is also a group trip,

which means we do group activities.

I mean, I even have
a mariachi band coming later.

Do you know how lucky we are to have

the Hernandez Hermanas Trio?

- Did we get them?
- Yes.

They only play cartel weddings
and the Univision Awards.

And as much as I'd be honored

to get it crackin' to "La Cucaracha,"

the thing is, we all just want to chill

and do our own thing separately,

a "you do you" weekend.

But what fun is a "you do you" weekend?

I want us to do each other.

I heard it. I heard it.

Mm, I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm here vacationing with my ex.

And, normally, Sky would be here
as a buffer,

but she's still in Tokyo.

So, obviously, I would like to
avoid the group activities.

I mean, my ex is here, too.

Yeah, but you and Luca
are both weird as hell.

Yeah, a truer statement
has never been said.

And, honestly, though, I just
need to, like, clear my head,

and I have to stop obsessing over Phil,

because the dude seriously
has yet to respond

to a single text since I told
him that he has a daughter.

Oof! A White deadbeat daddy

definitely trumps a Black ex on vacay.

- Oh, you do you, girl.
- Thank you.

And, Ana, you have been awfully quiet.

What's your "you do you" excuse?

Uh, you know, I personally
would rather use this time

to, uh, to... to reconnect with Javi.

I haven't seen him since
he went home two weeks ago.

And F.Y.I., he's landing here
in a couple hours.

Yay! Surprise!

I'm sorry. He's... Javi's coming here?

- Yeah.
- Well, I thought you thought

he was cheating on you with "Somebody."

- Oh, that part.
- Yes.

- Right.
- That was the old me.

I've since decided to take
a more mature approach.

Yeah, no more... no more snooping.

- Oh.
- Yeah, no, I'm done.

Okay, fine. I couldn't get into
his dumb-ass tablet.

But you know what?
I really took this as a sign

to just let go and let God.

- Hmm.
- Well, the point is, Zoey,

we all just have so much
going on in our lives,

and we want to use this trip to reset.

And as grateful as we are to you

for all the thoughtful planning...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...we just want to do us.

Can I get an "olé"?!

- Olé!
- Olé!

- Olé.
- Okay, love you.

- Bye, Zo-Zo.
- Love you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[Sighs]

What are you guys doing?

You okay?

Oh, I'm great, actually.

See, they think they want

nothing to do with my little weekend,

but they're gonna play with me
whether they like it or not.

Well, I'll play with you
whether you like it or not.

Yeah, no, that didn't ring right.

Um, I mean like more of a, uh,

consensual, respectful,
a lot of eye contact.

You know what I mean?

Uh, never mind.

Just I think it's best whenever
you let me know that...

that you're in the mood.
Then I'll be in the mood.

We can be in the mood.

Yeah, and these I brought for you, so...

What'd you say? You're in the mood?

♪

Sun block? It's SPF .

No, I'm Black, man.

Having melanin does not
prevent skin cancer.

You know my buddy La'Rance?

He's very Black and very sick.

I'm also very Black and very sick.

Of you, man.

Oh, wait.

I know when I see a man suffering.

Heidi broke my heart
when she dumped me, too.

This is about Jazz.

It's not about Jazz.

It's definitely about Jazz.

Mind hitting my back?

Vivek, I'm not rubbing lotion
on your back, man.

Yo, why are you even here?

Shouldn't you be back in Cali
after your little drug bust?

Actually, I'm good.

I got that lawyer

- who defends all the revenge-p*rn dudes.
- Here you are.

Awful person.

Definitely going to hell.
Definitely gets results.

- SERVER: And for you, sir.
- Hey.

Anyway, he told me
since I'm not a flight risk

and I paid such a high bond

to enjoy my downtime
before my court date,

when we show them how justice is served.

So, for now, come on.

A quick toast to doing us.

L'chaim!

Hey-oh!

♪

Although my crew insisted on
a "you do you" weekend,

I knew there was one thing
that would let us do us

before we went our
separate ways for the night.

A good old-fashioned pregame.

♪ No one else gonna get it like that ♪

♪ So why argue? ♪

♪ You yell ♪

♪ But you take me back ♪

With everyone in a good mood

thanks to the copious
amounts of alcohol,

I figured out a fun way
to keep the party going.

♪ Pretty young thing
want that OG cr*ck ♪

A friendly little game
of "Most Likely To."

♪ Do the D'Ussé with a touch of DeLeón ♪

♪

Most likely to join the mile-high club.

[Chuckles] Me.

I mean, obviously.
I did it on the way here.

F.Y.I., altitude does
some weird stuff to your nuts,

like swelling and such.

Okay, I am up.

- Go get 'em, babe.
- Scusi.

- Sorry, sorry.
- VIVEK: That was the predetermined order.

[Humming]

And I think I'm just gonna
choose another one.

Unh-unh-unh-unh-unh! No, no, no.

You pick it, you read it. House rules.

- Come on.
- No, do I really...

Thank you.

Mm! "Who's most likely to cheat?"

Now I see why you wanted to cop out.

No, no.

Because i-it's not even like that.

Theoretically,
I didn't cheat on Rochelle.

- Aaron did.
- Really, Zoey?

- What...
- That's just bad sportsmanship. Come on.

No, babe, it's not even like that.

She came for me. I wanted to clarify.

I wasn't even coming for you like that.

I was actually referring to the time

you cheated on your midterm
and almost got expelled,

but, you know [chuckles]
outing your man works too.

That's crazy. When I heard "cheating,"

my mind immediately went to Jazz.

- Pff!
- Preach!

[Laughter]

Seriously, do not make me
come for you for real,

because we all know
who would be most likely

to accuse someone of cheating
when they really didn't.

No, no, no. We all know who
that really is, right?

Ana, "Somebody."

What's she talking about?

Nothing. She's postpartum.

Honestly, Nomi?
You really want to go there?

Just lighten up. It's a game, okay?

We're just, like, having fun.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I get it. Okay.

So then I have one.

All right, who is such an ice queen,

she is most likely to be a single mom

- for the rest of her life?
- No.

- Oh.
- [Whistles] Oh!

[Bleep] you.

See? You happy now?

Your smart-ass comment ruined the vibe,

just like you ruined our relationship.

I ruined the relationship,
but not you trying to

get friendly with the hurdle
jumper's nut-sack, right?

- She belongs to the streets!
- Oh, indeed.

Oh, was that you, Luca?

Because last time I checked,
you should be worried about

your weird-ass open relationship
with Jillian,

who we all know was just your rebound

after Zoey dropped your stupid ass.

And where she rebounded
is not much better.

I'm sorry. Did I just hear someone

who's perhaps still in love
with me talking?

'Cause you of all people should know

I am the realest Zoey's ever had.

The goofiest, as well.

I mean, let's not forget the whole start

of their relationship
was some goofy sh*t.

I'm sorry. You want to
run that by me again?

- What'd you say?
- Oh, you... you heard me, king.

Okay, enough! Are y'all serious?

Like, are we for real right now?

Is this all we can do together,
is fight and insult each other?

No, I got it. It's on me,

because I was so stupid to think

we could have one fun moment
like we used to.

That was freshman year, Zoey.
People change.

Obviously, Ana, and not for the better.

You know what? You get what you want,

because I'm done trying
to bring us all together.

You want a "you do you" weekend,
then go do yourselves.

Actually, you know what?
I take that back.

Screw yourselves
and this childish bullshit.

Babe... Damn.

Oh!

[Mariachi band playing]

- All right!
- That went poorly.

Well, guess it's my turn.

♪

What I'd hoped would be
a fun, harmless game

to recapture that freshman-year magic

had become an airing of
repressed grievances

that pushed us even further apart.

- Figured you could use this.
- Mm!

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

How you doing? You okay?

- I mean, you know.
- Yeah.

Look, I know you wanted to do

all these nice things for your friends,

but if they can't appreciate you
or your efforts

to make this a dope trip,
then screw 'em.

- Yeah.
- What I've realized, though,

while you've been sitting here
worrying about all this drama,

you forgot something.

What did I forget?

That we are in a beautiful
foreign country, Zoey,

with a variety of tequila options

and cheap nightlife options,

and we have yet to go on
an official first date.

No, we've been on a...

Wow, you're right. We haven't.

Yes, I know. Which is why, tonight,

I'm taking you out to experience

the very best first date of your life.

- Yeah?
- Just you and me,

us doing us.

Or we could go do each other
right now, literally.

- No?
- No.

- Aar Bear, stop it!
- Yes.

He's crazy. I have a problem.

♪ Yo que se que te haces la seria ♪

♪ Pero lo tuyo es la maldad ♪

♪ Cuando escucha la batería ♪

♪ Veo que se empieza a soltar ♪

[Sighs]

Little word of unsolicited advice,

- but it will cost you.
- What?

You got to stop letting her
get to you, man.

[Scoffs] Bro, you buggin'.

Ain't nobody thinking about Jazz, man.

So how do you know
I'm talking about Jazz

if you're not thinking about Jazz?

Hey, man, get out of here

with your little mind tricks, all right?

Look, just come out with us tonight.

I linked up with two local baddies,

and we're just gonna hit the town.

Wrong, bud. I'mma kick it right here.

Okay, well,
I usually wouldn't press you,

but I need you to do me this solid,

'cause they don't speak any English,

I don't speak any Spanish,

and you speak both.

[Sighs]

I mean, I do know my way around
el alfabeto.

And they are bad.

Let's get it.

Let's go. [Snaps fingers]

[Speaking Spanish]

- [Women giggle]
- What'd you say?

I said it's a pleasure to meet them.

I don't know why they laughin'.

Maybe they dumb.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Am I gonna have to do this

for every outfit change this weekend?

Yes. Why do you think I invited you?

- Andale.
- [Camera shutter clicks]

Okay, all right. Let me see.

Stop! Okay, not... Let me see.

Please let there be something
in there that you like.

- Oh, I kind of like this one.
- Yeah?

Yeah. I just have to Facetune my knees.

All right! Well, while you do that,

I am gonna go grab a shower.

Okay.

But you better join me in there

before the hot water runs out.

- Okay.
- If not,

I'm posting your unfiltered knees.

- [Gasps]
- [Speaks Spanish]

You're so mean.

[Door closes]

[Water running]

[Tablet chimes]

♪

This shower looks amazing.

Really?

I'm almost done here.

Hurry it up!

Coming.

♪

Just a little peek.

♪

Yo, are you coming?

You have a freakin' STD?!

- [Tablet shatters]
- Yo!

Huh?!

♪

So, Aaron was right.

Instead of wasting my time

trying to force moments
with my undeserving crew,

I decided to focus on making moments

with the one person
who deserved it most.

♪ Solo una vez me tuvo y se,
se enamoro ♪

♪ Y no me gusta cuando me pregunta ♪

♪ Si yo soy tu novio, eso me asusta ♪

♪ Solomante quiero que tu entiendas ♪

♪ Somos amigos solo pa' mientras ♪

♪ Y yo se lo que tu quieres
es un hombre para ti ♪

♪ Y yo se lo que tu quieres
no me lo pides a mi ♪

♪ Yo no senti, no ♪

[Ding!]

♪

Thank you, sir. Oh, gracias.

- Good job.
- Thank you.

Actually, like, seriously, thank you

for an amazing first date

and for always just knowing
exactly what to say

and what to do to make me feel better

and for being you.

Thank you.

Well, it is what I do.
But no need to thank me.

I really do love being in this
crazy drunken moment with you.

Yeah?

♪

- Green slushie.
- [Laughs]

Wait. You know, we should put the...

you know, the stuff, huh?

- While in Mexico.
- Absolutely!

- In here.
- So, what is next?

I don't know, but it's not gonna
top you stealing a piñata.

That's for sure.

What?

What are you doing?

Upping me stealing a piñata

and, uh, living in this crazy,
drunken moment with you.

- Hmm?
- Let's go.

♪ All the ways you can... ♪

In my efforts to put my six
months of adulthood behind me

and recapture the magical moments

of my earliest college memories...

Oh, my God!

- Can I see?
- Look... "husband."

...I managed to dive headfirst
into my most adult moment yet.

Oh, my God.

I mean, did we really just do this?

I think we did.

Let me see the ring.
You got to pose with it.

Look at my ring.
Does it look cool, like,

when I go to put on my jacket like this?

- Yes!
- Oh, my God.

I can't believe we got married.

- Wow.
- Wait. Can I see? Can I see?

Wow. Yes.

Holy sh*t.

Holy...

I cannot believe I fell for your
whole celibate-Christian act.

You love Jesus?

No, more like you love nasty,
unprotected sexual intercourse!

I used to love nasty,
unprotected sexual intercourse,

but now I love my faith and my celibacy.

- Yo, and you.
- Then how the hell

did you get chlamydia
from "Somebody," Javi?!

And who the hell is "Somebody," anyway?

A random one-night stand I had

before I became celibate or met you.

Saved her name in my phone
as "Somebody."

Yeah, somebody who gave you chlamydia.

Yo, Ana, can you chill?

My test results came back negative.

I didn't say anything

'cause I didn't want you
to trip for no reason.

Maybe if you would have come to
me and asked about it,

I could have explained that,

instead of just snooping
through my tablet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Are you really trying
to turn this around on me?

You hacked my tablet.

You hacked my sexual health!

Oh, you're out of your mind, bro.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

Watch this. I am actually out of here!

♪

Don't ever call me again!

♪

Are you leaving?

- Yeah.
- Good.

You know what, Nomi?

I am so sorry for
what I said earlier, okay?

It was totally out of line,

and it's me who's gonna end up
alone for the rest of her life,

'cause I only know how to date assholes!

What... Uh, what's going on?

[Sobs]

Okay, just come here. Come here.

Come on.

If it makes you feel any better...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...Javi probably gave me chlamydia.

Yeah, it actually does.

Thank you.

[Crying]

It's okay.

MAN: Buenas noches. Gracias.

[Dog barking in distance]

- DOUG: Yo, bro.
- [Taxi door closes]

So, none of this seems sketchy to you?

No one's around,

and we're outside of what
may or may not be a trap house.

I mean, worst-case scenario,

it's where El Chapo hides the bodies.

I don't, you know, see the problemo.

[Woman speaking Spanish]

♪

♪ Keep all of your secrets from me ♪

[Grunts]

Wow.

Whew!

So, how'd it feel to make love
to your husband

on the white sands of Mexico?

Well, the first few minutes
were just a little awkward.

Well, maybe because I... Well, I
told you that I had drank, um...

I drank a lot of tequila.

- And there's also a breeze
- Okay, but...

- coming this way.
- but it ended up being amazing.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

I love you, Mr. Jackson.

I love you, Mrs. Jackson.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Of all these different voices ♪

♪ Screaming in my head ♪

♪ Am I to blame ♪

[Siren chirps]

OFFICER: Hands up! On your feet!

What... what...

- Oh, my... Oh, my God!
- Oh, snap.

Uh...

LUCA: Yo, you coming, bro?

DOUG: This is such a mistake, man.

♪

What the hell?

♪

Exactly what I thought.
It's a quinceañera.

Exactly what you thought?

Yeah.

♪