06x19 - I Get A Sidekick Out of You

[bunniefuu]

[Before the teaser there is a montage of scenes from previous episodes.]

KIM'S ANTIQUES

[Mrs Kim hangs a sign "Closed For Wedding" on the front door, then goes to the kitchen]

MRS KIM: Mmm, very good. Not too spicy.

AUNT JUN: I pack it very tightly. It strangles the spice.

MRS KIM: Well, it's perfect, and we're doing very good on time.

At 4:00, we move on to dumplings. I'm going to open another window.

LANE: Boy, there's a lot of activity down here.

MRS KIM: It's going very well. Your aunt Jun is a wizard with the Kimchi.

LANE: Well, is there anything I can do to help?

MRS KIM: No, go back upstairs. Read the bible passages I've underlined.

LADIES: [In Koran] Juh gi in nae! Cham yeppuda. Aaenun unje gajil gueni?

MRS KIM: Enough! Back to work! Back to work, all of you! And she will have children in the proper time! [Too Lane] You, upstairs.

LANE: But mama

MRS KIM: You come down, cooking stops. [pointing upstairs] Up.

LANE: But it's hot up there mama, and you know what rises with the hot air? The smell of 10 pounds of Kimchi. I'm getting woozy.

MRS KIM: Well, pull your sweater over your face. Just get back upstairs. [Goes to answer knock on the door]

LORELAI: Vera Wang calling. Wow, you can almost see that smell.

MRS KIM: Is that the dress?

LORELAI: It is indeed.

MRS KIM: Wonderful Lane, the dress. Well, come on, let's see it.

LORELAI: Okay

MRS KIM: [Telephone ringing] Hold that thought. [Goes to answer phone]

LANE: You couldn't have set it on fire?

LORELAI: Dude, there's not enough lighter fluid in the world.

LANE: I hope you made a matching blindfold so Zach doesn't have to actually see me in it.

LORELAI: Now, come on. You're gonna look beautiful. You have a very pretty face, and you have hands and feet. For some guys, the stuff in between is just annoying.

MRS KIM: [Sighs]

LANE: Mama, are you okay?

MRS KIM: Yes, fine. [Looking at Lorelai] What are you doing here?

LORELAI: Arr, I brought the dress.

MRS KIM: What dress?

LANE: My wedding dress, mama.

MRS KIM: Oh yes.

LORELAI: I was just about to show it to you.

MRS KIM: Right. Go ahead.

LORELAI: Um, now, there were a couple of stains on it, just probably from age, so I had to make a few minor adjustments, but I think you'll see, all in all, that the integrity of the dress has remained intact. [Lane is very please, Mrs Kim doesn't seen to care]

MRS KIM: Fine. How much do I owe you?

LORELAI: Uh, nothing. Um, consider it a wedding gift.

MRS KIM: Okay, I have to go back to work. I will see you and Luke at the wedding.

LORELAI: Yes, you will. I mean, you'll see me. Luke is out of town, but I'm gonna take pictures and make him feel really bad he missed it. It's a thing we do.

MRS KIM: Whatever. Goodbye.

LANE: Did she see it?

LORELAI: I held it up right in front of her face.

LANE: But she didn't yet, It's got a waist, and she didn't yell.

LORELAI: Don't question it, take the dress upstairs and hide it till you're walking down the aisle. And even then, walk fast.

LANE: Thank you.

LORELAI: Okay.

MRS KIM: [Yelling from the kitchen] Lorelai, wait! Come back! [Running out side] What do you mean Luke's out of town?!

LORELAI: Uh, well, I mean, Luke's left town. He's gone far away from town. Town's there, and Luke's over here.

MRS KIM: He's not coming to the wedding with you?

LORELAI: No.

MRS KIM: You mean you're coming alone, unescorted?

LORELAI: Well, Rory will be there so…

MRS KIM: No she won't like it

LORELAI: Who won't?

MRS KIM: You can't come alone. An unmarried woman of a certain age, unescorted, wearing the clothes you tend to wear, people will think things, bad things…

LORELAI: Like what?

MRS KIM: Like you're a tramp and possibly for sale.

LORELAI: Wow, suddenly "Footloose" not seeming so silly.

MRS KIM: What are we gonna do?

LORELAI: Well I guess first of all we should agree on a price.

MRS KIM: You have to find someone to bring you. You have to find a man!

LORELAI: In one day? Are you kidding me it took me this long to find Luke.

MRS KIM: My daughter wants you at her wedding, fine. But if you're to come, then you need to come with a man. And Kirk does not count!

LORELAI: Lorelai Gilmore – disappointing mothers since 1968.

YALE NEWS ROOM

[It's busy and phones are ringing]

RORY: Phones are ringing, people, answer them who knows it could be someone calling with a story. Wouldn't that be neat? [looking at here work] Aah, I thought I told her to cut the second paragraph. Stacy, I thought I told you, cut the second paragraph.

STACY: [OS] I forgot.

RORY: Good work, Stacy. A.K., Time?

A.K.: 3:15.

RORY: Okay, everyone, Just a reminder I am leaving at 3:00, which is 15 minutes ago, so if anyone needs anything from me, too bad till Monday.

PARIS: My pro-tenure piece.

RORY: Okay, thank you.

PARIS: And my anti-tenure piece.

RORY: Paris come on.

PARIS: Just hear me out.

RORY: No

PARIS: When I first started writing, I believed passionately that tenure was a reward for excellent service and a way for a school to attract the very best teachers from all over the country.

RORY: So let's go with that.

PARIS: But once I finished writing I started thinking about the other side of the argument, I mean money and employment for the rest of your life? No matter what. Where is the incentive to keep the standards high? I mean Remember professor Leavers? He got tenured and lost all interest. Just sat there dowie and sleepy It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel.

RORY: Anti-tenure, stamp it, ship it.

PARIS: I was thinking you could print both pieces.

RORY: What?

PARIS: Side-by-side, like a point/counterpoint.

RORY: You want me to print a point/counterpoint where both points are written by the same person?

PARIS: Bold Huh.

RORY: You have five minutes to pick a side. A.K., Time?

A.K.: 3:17.

ROSEMARY: Ooh, how very "all the president's men." Exciting

JULIET: Aha, just the girl we were looking for.

ROSEMARY: We have a wonderful idea.

JULIET: We are going to Costa Rica.

RORY: What?!

ROSEMARY: We're gonna fly out tonight and meet the guys at the end of their river-rafting trip.

JULIET: We though we'd set up a fabulous camp, dress up like natives, in grass skirts and coconut bras and meet the boys with food, fresh booze, and shaving cream. What do you think.

RORY: I think you should double-check your guidebooks, 'cause I don't think Costa Rican natives wear grass skirts and coconut bras.

JULIET: Oh how cares there's only a small window of time where a girl can pull off a coconut bra.

RORY: Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't.

ROSEMARY: What, why?

JULIET: Don't you want to see Logan after six days without a shower?

ROSEMARY: Or styling gel.

RORY: I have a wedding to go to, and I'm leaving in a minute to head home.

ROSEMARY: Rats.

JULIET: Logan will be very disappointed.

RORY: Well I'll hide the soap and the Kiehl's, and we can re-enact it when he gets back.

JULIET: Hmm, I'm feeling a chill from the north.

ROSEMARY: Okay, well, if you change your mind and please change your mind, call my cell, we leave at Ten.

RORY: Have a safe flight.

JULIET: [Too so guys] Woodward, Bernstein.

RORY: Okay and that's it, layout's done. A.K.?

A.K.: 3:20.

RORY: I'm audi. Jill, approve Paris' piece when it's in.

PARIS: I can't pick a side. Either way I look at it, I'm right.

RORY: I'll see you Monday, Paris.

DRAGONFLY INN

[Front desk, Lorelai is getting things ready for the bachelorette party]

MICHEL: You know I hear the weather's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow.

LORELAI: Hum.

MICHEL: How big a wedding do you think it will be?

LORELAI: I don't know.

MICHEL: I hope it's a big wedding. I love big weddings. What time are you picking me up tomorrow?

LORELAI: Noon.

MICHEL: Ah non is fine that will give me plenty of time to get ready. You know, I hope you don't stay out too late tonight. You'll be tired for tomorrow.

LORELAI: I will not be tired.

MICHEL: I wouldn't drink too much, either, you'll be puffy.

LORELAI: Okay, I'll keep it to half a box of wine, max.

MICHEL: I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day. You need to be perfect.

LORELAI: Okay, I'm not getting married, Michel.

MICHEL: [A little laughing] I know that, but you are going to be with me, and I'm going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the mark Herron years.

LORELAI: Michel stop. Now, I'm going to be wearing my blue pinstripes, so if you wear something in an ice blue or [Gasps] Oh, yes, silver, that would look amazing. No one would take their eyes off of us.

LORELAI: And how delighted the bride will be.

MICHEL: Now let's discuss dancing. As you know, I'm a fabulous dancer, Deney Terrio level and I intend to dance a lot. It's what I do at parties to compensate for the elevated calorie intake. I just shake it all off.

LORELAI: Well, I promise to duck.

MICHEL: I don't understand your attitude. After all, these are your friends. I don't even know them.

SOOKIE: [OS] Lorelai!

LORELAI: Yeah.

SOOKIE: [OS] Lorelai! Help Lorelai, oh my God...problem. [Sookie comes running out with a covered tray] Something went very, very wrong.

LORELAI: Wrong with what?

SOOKIE: Remember the dirty cookies I was baking for the bachelorette gift baskets?

LORELAI: Ha?

SOOKIE: Well, they expanded in the oven.

LORELAI: Expanded? What do you mean? [Sookie uncovers the tray] Oh, dear!

SOOKIE: I know.

LORELAI: Hello, Tommy Lee.

SOOKIE: I don't know what happened. Too much yeast.

LORELAI: Well, I cannot put those in the bags with the shiny tiaras and the bubble wands.

SOOKIE: I know, I know. I know. I'll go try and figure something out.

LORELAI: [Cell phone rings, Lorelai answers] Hello?

CHRISTOPHER: Hey Lore, you got a minute?

LORELAI: Um…

[Dance music plays]

MICHEL: [To Lorelai] You see? This is what you're up against.

LORELAI: [Looks at Michel, then to Chris] Yes, I have a minute.

CHRISTOPHER: I just got Rory one of those Sidekicks. Actually I got it for her a couple of days ago, so she already has it. Then I realize that It's one of those things I should have run past you. So I'm running it past you now. Is that okay? 'Cause if it's not, I can take it back. I'll just say I read something in consumer reports about radiation levels.

LORELAI: Chris, honey, we're way past the point where you have to get my permission to buy your own daughter a gift.

CHRISTOPHER: We are.

LORELAI: Yes didn't you get the memo?

CHRISTOPHER: Well, you know what a mess my desk is.

LORELAI: I think it's nice that you bought Rory a gift.

CHRISTOPHER: Good.

LORELAI: So, how are you?

CHRISTOPHER: I'm great.

LORELAI: Yeah? How's G.G.?

CHRISTOPHER: She's, well, hold on a sec. [Holds the phone up] You hear that?

LORELAI: No.

CHRISTOPHER: Exactly.

LORELAI: Oh, come on. It's naptime.

CHRISTOPHER: Not until 4:00, my friend.

LORELAI: Then she's holding her breath until you buy her a Porsche.

CHRISTOPHER: She is in her room playing with her toys, shining her halo as we speak.

LORELAI: Well, well, well, look who's cracking the whip.

CHRISTOPHER: I got to tell you, that "no" word is pretty awesome. I can't wait to try out the "you're grounded."

LORELAI: So...[Sees Michel dancing, turns away.] Anyway...

MRS KIM'S HOUSE

RORY: Lane, I'm here, and I…

MRS KIM: Move!

RORY: Lane, hi, I…

LANE: Coming through!

RORY: Am I here early?

LANE: Sorry. Hi, glad you're here.

RORY: What's going on? And where's all your stuff?

LANE: My grandma's coming.

RORY: Well Jeez, how big is she?

LANE: She hasn't been out of Korea in 45 years because she refuses to travel, so we figured there's no way she'd come, but she called today, and she's coming.

RORY: So that's nice right?

MRS KIM: [OS] Help me!

LANE: Coming!

RORY: Whoa, big Buddha!

MRS KIM: Save the commentary. Grab the feet.

RORY: Okay.

MRS KIM: Be careful. Don't let it drop.

RORY: What happens if it drops?

MRS KIM: It breaks.

RORY: Oh, you ask a stupid question...

MRS KIM: Down, here. [Grunts] I'll have the boys next door bring the other one in. [To Lane] Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen?

LANE: No

MRS KIM: Go, both of you! Go! Go!

RORY: Going.

MRS KIM: And don't forget the Christ's-feet tea towel!

[Cut to the kitchen]

RORY: Okay, seriously, you have got to fill me in or I've gotta call my life line. What is with the Buddha?

LANE: Apparently my grandmother's a Buddhist.

MRS KIM: Go hide these in your room.

LANE: Closet?

MRS KIM: Uh, floorboards!

[Cut to Lane's old bed room]

RORY: I don't understand. So your grandma's Buddhist. Why are we [puts it together] oh, my god. She doesn't know.

LANE: No.

RORY: Your mother's mother does not know she's a seventh-day Adventist.

LANE: And it would be a very big deal if she found out.

RORY: That is so weird.

LANE: Tell be about it I just discovered today that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women who hide their real lives under floorboards away from their mothers.

MRS KIM: [OS] Lane, she's here! I want all boys!

RORY: Praise Buddha!

[Cut to the top of the stairs looking down]

RORY: That's your mom's mom?

LANE: Yep.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [To Lane, Korean] Hyun kyung! Jum e-ri nae ryeo wa bara!

RORY: I see the resemblance.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] Ah, ipudda. Euhsuh o seyo, ha-l-money.

LANE: [Korean] Wa jew shyeo suh nuh moo gibuh yo.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] Yeo gi o ni, nuh moo jokkuna. [To Mrs Kim] Yeya, jugee wae bulss-awngul ba-ng anae noonguhya?

MRS KIM: [Korean] Chew udun jewngi uhso yo, uhmoney.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] Ahyo! Irrokea duropku, dap dap hada. [Sniffs] Moon jom yeoreo ra! Majja, jom chiwo ya getda. Yanuh, wae gonghang ehsuh ahn nawanni. Uh? Na oji malla go -- ahoh, jungmal kiunni napuh. Bakkwoyachi. Beckpalbae julul olija. [Sighs]

RORY: What was that all about?

LANE: Three complaints, two insults, and a hefty dose of religious guilt.

RORY: What are they doing now?

LANE: Their ritual of 108 bows.

LORELAI: Should be called 108 "ows." [Chuckles] Oh, my mother would have liked that one. It's kind of hypnotizing if you stare at it long enough.

LANE: Oh, sh**t, we have to go. Uh, mama? Mama, we have to go, the bachelorette party. We're meeting the others at Doose's.

MRS KIM: 80 to go.

LANE: Okay, so, I'll see you later. Bye.

DOOSE'S MARKET - NIGHT

[The girls come out with supplies. They are laughing.]

LORELAI: Ladies, ladies, please, I need your attention. This is a very serious subject here. Now, I need to do a quick check to make sure we have got all of our supplies. Rory Read off the list.

RORY: Beer.

LANE: Check.

RORY: More beer,

SOOKIE: Check.

RORY: Pretzels, and beer.

GIRL1: Check.

RORY: Alternative alcohol for those who don't like beer, and beer.

GIRL2: Check.

RORY: List complete, Sarge.

LORELAI: Excellent now we are about to commence the first leg of our evening. Our dear friend Lane is about to get married, and it is our job to make sure we give her one night and one headache she will never forget.

LANE: Hear, hear!

LORELAI: Now our first stop is the black, white, and read bookstore, where we will sneak in our booze, our treats, proceeded to get drunk and watch tonight's feature, "American Gigolo."

SOOKIE: Featuring a little full-frontal from Mr. Gere himself.

LORELAI: All right, let's go to the movies! [Cheering]

KYON: [Running up] Wait for me! Sorry I'm late. I had to wait for the two Mrs. Kims to sleep before I can climb down tree to meet you. Luckily all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs.

RORY: It's okay, Kyon. We were just leaving.

KYON: [Starts stripping] I had to get out of house. Stinks of Kimchi and incense. You can't breath. There's Buddha's everywhere staring at you. [Notices Lane and Rory starring at her] What?

LANE: When did you start double dressing and Avril Lavigne?!

KYON: Avril lavigne rocks. You are such a snob. If it's not Joy Division, you no like it. Well, you can't dance to Joy Division.

[Rory's cell Sidekick rings]

LANE: [To Kyon] She's crazy! My whole family's crazy.

RORY: Well, welcome to the club. We'll get sweatshirts.

LORELAI: Hmm, secret admirer?

RORY: It's dad. He gave me this thing as a gift, you know. However, he also got himself one, and since then, he has been texting me every five minutes. It's insane you should have told him no when he ran this past you.

LORELAI: I think it's nice you have a real daddy/daughter thing going on.

RORY: Oh, yeah, he's shopping for celery at the supermarket. They're running a special.

LORELAI: He's just excited.

RORY: Yeah, well, now he's in the canned-peas aisle. Apparently he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup. Interesting, no? No!

LORELAI: All right, give me that. Um, okay. [texting] "Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis." That should shut him up for a while. [they notice one of the girls vomiting] That's got to be some sort of record.

RORY: Hmm.

[Later that night near the gazebo]

SOOKIE: I don't understand. I checked the time of the movie twice.

LORELAI: Well, the paper probably printed it wrong again.

RORY: We could've just gone in.

LORELAI: No, too risky. No way to know if we'd missed the money sh*t.

SOOKIE: And "American Gigolo" without the "gigo-down-low" is pointless.

LANE: So, what should we do now?

LORELAI: Uh, well, we could k*ll some time till the next showing.

SOOKIE: Sure that's only 45 minutes.

RORY: So where should we go.

LORELAI: We could get some coffee.

KYON: "Partay."

SOOKIE: Well maybe we could play a game. I do that with the kids and time flies.

LORELAI: I don't really think peek-a-boo's gonna fly, Sookie.

SOOKIE: Well, we could make it more adult, you know? Peek-a-boo, take a sh*t. That could be fun.

ZACH: Hey!

GIRLS: Hey!

ZACH: Didn't expect to see you guys here.

LANE: We were gonna see "American Gigolo," but we missed it.

SOOKIE: I swear, I checked the time twice.

RORY: We believe you Sookie.

LANE: What are you guys doing here?

GIL: We just came from Dell's bar.

BRIAN: It closed early 'cause it's Dell's wedding anniversary.

LORELAI: Dell's is closed? sh**t. We were gonna go there after the movie.

RORY: Well, we could go to the chimney sweep.

SOOKIE: No it burnt down last week.

RORY: That's ironic.

GIL: We could drive over to beacon falls, anything open there?

LORELAI: No

BRIAN: We could go to my aunt's house. She's got a rec room with a record player.

ZACH: No way that's completely lame. Which one's "American Gigolo"? Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's Johnson? 'Cause that seems a little weird for a bachelor party.

LANE: No, we are not doing this.

ZACH: Doing What?

LANE: We are supposed to be getting wild at separate bachelor and Bachelorette parties! We cannot be bumping into each other all night long.

LANE: Lady's right. Come on, men. Let's go find something wild to do.

GUYS: Yeah!

LORELAI: [To the girls] You guys, we are looking pathetic now, all right? We are young, temporarily single girls on the prowl. There's plenty to do that we can be mortified about.

RORY: Well, the t-shirts and tiaras are a start.

LORELAI: Exactly, all right, ladies, come on. Let's go find us some fun.

GIRLS: Yeah!

[Later outside Brian's Aunts house]

LORELAI: Five more seconds….That's it. Anyone?

RORY: Nope.

LANE: Nope.

LORELAI: Let's do it.

[They knock on the door]

LANE: Hi. Are you Brian's aunt?

BRIAN'S AUNT: Oh, you must be Lane. The boys are downstairs in the rec room.

LORELAI: Sounds like they have foosball.

RORY: Foosball's fun.

ZACH: Bachelorettes in the house!

LORELAI: Hey, boys!

BOY: Whoo!

KYON: Hey, look, there's a moose head.

LORELAI'S HOUSE

[They are getting ready for the wedding]

RORY: Dad's feet are two different sizes.

LORELAI: Oh, for the love of, hey, [holding up two small bags] which one says, "hi, I'm not a whore. Enjoy your day"?

RORY: The pink one.

[phone rings]

RORY: Do not talk. We're going to be late.

LORELAI: I talk fast. It's my gift. Hello?

MICHEL: I just got tickets to Céline Dion.

LORELAI: What?

MICHEL: My friend Tessa just called and told me she has front-row tickets to Céline Dion, and I'm going with her.

LORELAI: Well, that's great.

MICHEL: I have been waiting forever to get this close to Céline. Oh, my god, I'm shaking like a leaf. What should I wear? What would Céline like me in?

LORELAI: I don't know, Michel, but I'm on my way to pick you up, so…

MICHEL: Oh, no. Don't bother. I'm not going to the wedding.

LORELAI: What? Why not?

MICHEL: Because I'm going to Céline Dion, hello! What have I been saying to you?

LORELAI: No, Michel, you have to go to the wedding.

MICHEL: Ah sorry I cannot.

LORELAI: Well, you've already seen Céline Dion.

MICHEL: Only five times, and never in the front row. I was in the balcony with the riffraff and the people who sneak in pot.

LORELAI: Michel, you have to go. I need an escort. Find someone there, that's why single women go to weddings.

LORELAI: I am not single. I'm engaged.

MICHEL: Lorelai, I'm sorry. In the future, I owe you some kind of a favor, but tonight you're on your own.

LORELAI: Michel…

MICHEL: I'll bring you a mouse pad. Bye-bye.

LORELAI: [Hangs up the phone, groans] Michel is going to the Céline Dion concert.

RORY: Bummer.

LORELAI: What am I supposed to do now? Mrs. Kim made it very clear not to show up without a guy. This is ridiculous. Even when I have a man, I'm still the girl who doesn't have a man. This sucks! I've known Lane since she was a little kid. She's spent more time at our house than at her own, and now I'm gonna miss her wedding? Fracking Céline Dion!

RORY: You want me to see if dad can go with you?

LORELAI: What?

RORY: I've got him right here he's turning left on main, and he found a buffalo-head nickel in his glove compartment.

LORELAI: No, I don't know it's Saturday. I'm sure he's busy.

RORY: He just left the hardware store, and now he's parked on the side of the road trying to decide how many tacos he wants. I vote three, 'cause two just never seems enough.

LORELAI: Okay, so he's not busy, but the wedding is starting in 45 minutes.

RORY: He can be here in 20.

LORELAI: Seriously?

RORY: Wow, four tacos. Quite a man, my father. So, what do you think? Should I pull the trigger?

LORELAI: [Sighs] Tell him to bring me a taco.

RORY: Will do. T.P.T.D.I…

LORELAI: What does that mean?

RORY: "totally psyched to do it."

LORELAI: He's making up his own acronyms?

RORY: Yeah, and he just learned how to make the happy face.

LORELAI: Sorry, kid, what can I say, he was really hot in high school.

KIM'S ANTIQUES - OUTSIDE

[Lorelai is waiting, some relatives of Lane's are watching and talking about Lorelai, Lorelai covers up some more]

CHRISTOPHER: Hey.

LORELAI: Hi! [They kiss on the cheek]

CHRISTOPHER: Sorry I'm late.

LORELAI: Forget it, I can't believe you're doing this.

CHRISTOPHER: My pleasure, wow you look great, do I this is the jacket I had with me in the car.

LORELAI: Yeah yeah, you look fine.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey, check it out, buffalo-head nickel.

LORELAI: Oh, great. Let's go. [They start going inside]

CHRISTOPHER: Go where.

LORELAI: Uh, excuse me. Hi, Mrs. Kim. I'd like you to meet Christopher Hayden. He's Rory's father and a man.

CHRISTOPHER: Did that really need clarification?

[Cut to inside]

LORELAI: She instructed me to bring a man today. I just wanted to show her that I can take direction well. You never know who knows Spielberg.

CHRISTOPHER: Why did you have to bring a man?

LORELAI: Because an unmarried woman, alone, of a certain age, dressed the way I dress apparently is Korean for Jenna Jameson.

CHRISTOPHER: Where's Luke?

LORELAI: Ah, out of town with his kid.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, well, then, lucky me. I always wanted to meet Jenna Jameson.

RORY: There they are.

LORELAI: Yes all nice and proper.

CHRISTOPHER: Hey. [kisses Rory] This is very impressive.

RORY: It's a Buddhist wedding.

CHRISTOPHER: Is the Dalai Lama coming?

LORELAI: Yes, he's having the chicken.

RORY: Oh it must be starting, you guys should stand over there.

CHRISTOPHER: Okay we'll wait for you.

LORELAI: You don't get it "He's having the chicken." Dalai lama's a vegetarian. So obviously he's not having the chicken. Huh, sorry, should I have texted it to you instead?

[Korean music playing as the wedding party comes into the room]

*Note I tried my best with the following, anyone who could help it would be great.

[The Minister starts the ceremony, then the two Mrs Kim's get into an argument]

KOREAN MINISTER: [Korean] Sarrangun gokwihan sunmool ipmeda. Choshim duryo hapneda. Chongkyung baddya hapneda.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Gasps, Korean] Bulss-awng e kkae jjyeotda.

MRS KIM: [Korean] Morra goyo?

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] Bulss-awng e kkae jjyeot seh.

MRS KIM: [Korean] Uhmoney. Jigum yeashicki sijack daesuhyo.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] Bulss-awng e kkae jjyeot nundae shijack handan maliya?

MRS KIM: [Korean] Bulss-awngun gewnchanayo. Gewnchanayo!

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] E ri wabara.

KOREAN MINISTER: [Korean] Han gajongi desuh, hap-baerul deuseyo.

OFF SCREEN: [The two Mre Kim's] Choboki kajungae hampkae hakil kimshimuro bimneda.

LORELAI: [Sighs, then to Chris] The universal sounds of family.

[Cut to a little later out side the house, the two Mra Kim's exit and go to a waiting Taxi]

MRS KIM'S: [Korean] Wa jew shyeo suh kipeoyo. Gomapda. Jal itda ganda. Joshimi gase yo.

MRS KIM'S MOTHER: [Korean] Young chaya,

MRS KIM'S: [Korean] jal- it seora. Jalgase yo, uhmoney. [She opens the car door, her mother gets in and the taxi drives away. Then speaking to the waiting crowd now waiting out side the house,] Go! [Everyone starts running, but not Lorelai or Chris]

CHRISTOPHER: Whoa!

LORELAI: Hey!

CHRISTOPHER: What the hell is happening?!

LORELAI: Are there bulls coming out of there?

CHRISTOPHER: We would've heard the china breaking.

LORELAI: My God.

RORY: Why aren't you running?

LORELAI: Why should we be running?

RORY: To get to the church for the wedding.

LORELAI: For what?

RORY: For the wedding.

CHRISTOPHER: I thought this was the wedding.

RORY: The grandmother's wedding. Now we do the mother's wedding.

LORELAI: Why do we have to run?

RORY: Because there's 58 seats and 62 Koreans.

LORELAI: [Taking Chris's arm] Oh, boy! Go!

[Cut to them on the street]

LORELAI: Don't slow down!

CHRISTOPHER: My shoes are slippery!

LORELAI: Such it up!

SOOKIE: Hey! Hi, Christopher!

LORELAI: Chris, you remember Sookie and Jackson?

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, nice to see you again.

JACKSON: You to.

SOOKIE: Nice day for a wedding.

LORELAI: Beautiful.

JACKSON: Perfect weather.

SOOKIE: Why are we running?

LORELAI: 58 seats, 62 Koreans.

SOOKIE: Fight for me, baby!

JACKSON: I'm on it.

[Cut to inside the church]

LORELAI: What do you see? Do you see anything open?

SOOKIE: We'll take two and two! Two and two is fine.

LORELAI: We can find four together.

SOOKIE: I don't think we can.

LORELAI: I see something. Patty, Patty!

MISS PATTY: Oh, hi, honey. What a pretty dress. Oh, the things you can pull off with that body.

JACKSON: These all taken?

MISS PATTY: Oh, no, I just thought I'd save some in case. Here, come sit.

LORELAI: It's a mad house in here, how did you get all these seats together?

MISS PATTY: Honey, I've been here all night.

SOOKIE: You're kidding. Why?

MISS PATTY: 58 seats and 62 Koreans? Please. [holding a bag] Carrot sticks?

CHURCH – BRIDAL ROOM

LANE: God, look at me. I look like a bride.

RORY: [giggling] You are a bride.

LANE: I feel so weird.

RORY: I want a picture.

LANE: Of me feeling weird?

RORY: No, of me standing next to you while you're feeling weird. [sets up the camera on a bench on auto.]

[The door opens]

MRS KIM: Everything all right?

RORY: Uh, yeah, Mrs. Kim. Everything's fine.

MRS KIM: Hmm. The dress looks different.

LANE: Really? Does it? Everything looks different through the eyes of a bride.

MRS KIM: Rory, can you excuse us a moment?

RORY: Sure. I'll be right outside.

LANE: Mama, is something wrong? 'Cause the dress…

MRS KIM: Forget the dress. Sit down, please. [They sit] Uh...Lane, I have something very upsetting to talk to you about.

LANE: Oh, what?

MRS KIM: It concerns the wedding night.

LANE: Oh, boy.

MRS KIM: Yes, "oh, boy." Marriage is a job, Lane. There are rewards that come with this job, but there are also sacrifices. There are things you're going to have to do.

LANE: Things?

MRS KIM: Terrible things.

LANE: Mama, you don't have to…

MRS KIM: You need to hear this, you need to know what to expect. It will start early.

LANE: What will?

MRS KIM: The man's expectations. It starts early, at the wedding, actually. At the wedding, you're going to have to kiss him.

LANE: Mama.

MRS KIM: You will then be expected to share a bed tonight and when you're in that bed you're expected to…

LANE: Mama, please.

MRS KIM: You're going to have to do it with this boy, Lane. You're just going to have to do it. Hopefully if you're lucky like me, you'll only have to do it once.

LANE: [Groans]

CHURCH

[Piano plays Mendelssohn's "wedding march", people start coming down the aisle Mrs Kim, Rory and Lane]

LORELAI: You know, I remember the day I met Lane. It was Rory's first day of kindergarten, and she insisted on wearing my "Chico and the Man" t-shirt, which I thought would either elicit confused shrugs or label her as a weird '70s-sitcom kid. And we walked in the classroom, and Lane came running up to her and offered to share her crayons with her. And I was so grateful, 'cause I thought even if Lane turned out to be a psycho, bad-seed, serial-k*ller kid, at least Rory had a friend. Who knew it would turn out to be a lifelong friendship?

CHRISTOPHER: Well there you are there's plenty of time for them to have a stupid fight and them to screw it up.

[Everyone sits]

KOREAN MINISTER 2: Sanrang hanun yoroboon, onul ooriga I-jarieyea moinkusun...

LORELAI: This is the first one of Rory's friends to get married.

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah…You know, Rory could be next.

LORELAI: [Sighs and concerned] Yeah.

CHURCH – OUTSIDE

[Everyone exists lead buy Land and Zach. Cheers and applause]

MAN: Finally! Finally they did it!

[Cheers and applause continue]

JACKSON: That's just the way I like them, short and in a language I can't understand.

SOOKIE: I thought it was beautiful. What an elegant dress.

LORELAI: Oh, yeah, the dress did look nice, didn't it?

JACKSON: I'm gonna go call the babysitter.

SOOKIE: I'll go with you, [to Lorelai] we have this new babysitter. She's 17, sweet as can be, perfect student, references up the wazoo. She seems absolutely perfect in every way.

LORELAI: Well, she's probably a crackhead.

JACKSON: Thank you. I'm calling right now.

SOOKIE: I'll go with you.

LORELAI: Let's go find the bar.

CHRISTOPHER: Right behind you.

ZACH: It was awesome, man. Just flowed right down to the ground. Major league comfortable There's a reason Buddhists are so peaceful. You have to see it.

GIL: Yeah, I'm just happy to have another married guy around.

ZACH: Hey just 'cause I'm married now doesn't mean we're gonna have any Dr. Phil moments.

[Kyon walks past and Brian watches.]

GIL: Just wait, my friend, just wait till the first time you don't bring home the dry cleaning.

ZACH: Dude, this is my day. Can we not talk about dry cleaning?

GIL: Absolutely

ZACH: Thank you…This robe, it must be made of silk, 'cause it is so soft.

GIL: Silk, huh? Bet it's hand-wash only.

[Cut to Lorelai and Chris]

LORELAI: That definitely was not the bar.

CHRISTOPHER: Maybe it's over there.

LORELAI: No, that's the gift table.

CHRISTOPHER: Did we try behind the church?

LORELAI: Twice. There has to be a bar.

[Sookie and Jackson walk up]

JACKSON: We called Darla, if that is her real name and apparently everything's fine. Hey, where's the bar?

CHRISTOPHER: Just wondering that our selves.

RORY: There you guys are. I was very proud of the lack of heckling coming from your section.

LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, we were real good now, where's the bar?

RORY: Shh, don't say that so loud.

LORELAI: What, no! No way, no bar? Are you kidding?

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: What they don't have to drink it.

[They hear a noise and see something happening at the tables.]

LORELAI: If we can't drink, might as well go get something to eat.

RORY: That food is not for you.

LORELAI: What, hold on, is this the "not married" thing again? Did you tell them I'm engaged? Engaged has got to be worth a sparerib.

JACKSON: What the hell are they doing?

[People line up to get food and give checks to Lane who is at the end of the table, the people then leave in their cars.]

LORELAI: Well, there's something you don't see every day.

LANE: [Korean] Gomawoeyo.

MRS KIM: [Korean] Wa jew shyeo suh gomawoeyo.

LANE: Wow, we just made it.

MRS KIM: Ah, yes. They really cleaned us out. Let's see the bag. [They look inside] Nice haul.

LANE: I can't believe your friends gave me all this money.

MRS KIM: They're good people. They know you're a good girl. Lester Chin probably stiffed you.

LANE: That's okay.

MRS KIM: I can take those checks back home, put them in the safe for you.

LANE: Sure, that'd be great.

MRS KIM: It was a very nice ceremony.

LANE: It was.

MRS KIM: The second one.

LANE: I know.

MRS KIM: Thank you for doing two ceremonies. It was very important to your grandmother.

LANE: It was fun, made my wedding seem a little more special.

MRS KIM: Well, it's good you see it that way…Alright well, all my guests are gone. I'm going home.

LANE: Are you sure?

MRS KIM: Yes, I'm very tired, I'm going to go home and go straight to bed.

LANE: Well okay.

MRS KIM: I'm going to wear earplugs tonight, the good ones that expand in your ears, so I won't be able to hear anything that might be going on out in the street at all hours of the night.

LANE: Thank you, mama, for everything. And look at it this way. You're not losing a daughter. You're gaining a son...[looks over to Zach] who likes to wear a dress.

MRS KIM: He had better make you happy.

LANE: He will.

MRS KIM: Don't let him take pictures in that thing.

[Mrs Kim walks home, Lane signals to Kirk]

KIRK: We're on, boys! [To Zach] Excuse me, where do you want it, sir?

ZACH: Close, dude, really, really close.

KIRK: Roger, wilco. Drop it and stack it, boys.

LORELAI: Excuse me. Hold on a second. There's something wrong with your dress here. Let me just, got it.

ZACH: [Excited] Yes! My wife's got legs! So, let's get this party started! [Cheering]

TOWN SQUARE – NIGHT

[Blondie's "heart of glass" plays]

LYRICS:

Once I had a love,

and it was a gas

soon turned out

had a heart of glass

seemed like the real thing,

only to find...

RORY: Two manhattans, extra cherries.

KIRK: Excuse me, Rory.

RORY: Yeah, Kirk?

KIRK: I have to ask you something. Do you think he's yummy enough?

RORY: Who?

KIRK: Troy.

RORY: The bartender?

KIRK: Yes. See, I put this company together for the sole purpose of bringing truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of stars hollow, but they really have to be yummy. I'm talking mouth-watering, tasty morsels of manhood, which, by the way, was the original name of the business, but it was already taken by a firm in Woodbridge.

RORY: Really

KIRK: Yeah, now, when I first met troy, I thought he was the epitome of yummy, you know? But now I see him in the moonlight, I'm not so sure.

RORY: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Kirk. I think Troy's plenty yummy.

KIRK: You do?

RORY: Yeah, I really do… Can I go now?

KIRK: Yes, thank you. Enjoy your evening.

[Cut to Lorelai sitting at a table on a cell phone]

LORELAI: Yes, hi. Is Sookie or Jackson there? No. All right. Well, just tell them Lorelai called. Thank you.

JACKSON: Well.

LORELAI: She didn't sound drunk at all.

JACKSON: But she sounded like there was a guy there, right?

LORELAI: No.

JACKSON: What about a pimp did you hear a pimp?

LORELAI: Yes I heard a pimp, but he sounded like he had a heart of gold. I don't understand. She's too perfect.

RORY: Who's too perfect?

LORELAI: You are. Ooh extra cherries, cheers.

RORY: Cheers.

LORELAI: Rory, your father has something he wants to tell you.

CHRISTOPHER: Yes, I just want to apologize for my Sidekick stalking. I realize now that I have a problem.

LORELAI: Which is the first step to recovery. The second step is that he's now given the Sidekick to me.

RORY: No.

LORELAI: Yes!

RORY: That's worse.

LORELAI: [pretending to use one] "Hi, Rory. What are you doing? What are you wearing? What are you thinking? What about now? Do you miss me? Do you think I'm pretty? Where do babies come from?"

CHRISTOPHER: Thanks a lot, mister.

[Zach and Lane come up]

LANE: Hi.

[Everyone says hello]

SOOKIE: Hello there.

JACKSON: Kudos on the hot dogs, by the way.

LANE: Zach's idea.

ZACH: Lane came up with the fries though.

LORELAI: You are so perfect together.

SOOKIE: You having fun?

LANE: Yes, a little too much fun.

ZACH: We actually thought we should make the rounds before we're too toasted to remember who you are. [pointing to Chris] Who are you?

RORY: Zach, this is my dad, Christopher, this is Zach.

CHRISTOPHER: Congratulations, man. Nice weddings.

ZACH: Thank dude.

RORY: Hey I want to take a picture of everyone with Lane and Zach.

LORELAI: Oh, god, I hate the paparazzi.

RORY: Come on get in the picture, say "cheese."

EVERYONE: Cheese!

RORY: Thanks you.

LANE: Okay. We should go. We have six more tables to hit. If we forget to say it later, we are really glad you came.

ZACH: Later.

LORELAI: Bye.

CHRISTOPHER: I'm out.

LORELAI: Let me see the picture.

RORY: No, you'll delete it.

LORELAI: Not if is it's good.

RORY: You erase every picture I take of you.

LORELAI: No, only the ones where I look like Rhoda.

RORY: You never look like Rhoda.

LORELAI: Occasional I look like Rhoda.

RORY: Fine, here.

LORELAI: Wow, you have a lot of pictures.

RORY: I like proof, okay?

LORELAI: Wait, go back.

RORY: What.

LORELAI: Flip back. Who's that?

RORY: That's me with April.

LORELAI: [Surprised] Oh. When did you meet April?

RORY: Um, when I went to Philadelphia for Jess' open house.

LORELAI: Jess? Philadelphia? What am I missing here?

RORY: Nothing. Jess' work had an open house, I was invited, and I went and Luke showed up there with April. It was a total fluke.

LORELAI: God, I didn't know you were seeing jess.

RORY: Well, I'm not seeing him. We're just friends.

LORELAI: Does Logan know you went to see Jess?

RORY: No, Logan was in Costa Rica.

LORELAI: Huh.

RORY: I swear, nothing happened there.

LORELAI: Okay. Met April, took a picture together like you're pals.

RORY: I swear, mom, it was a crazy coincidence. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just...I felt so weird about it.

LORELAI: Oh, sure, I get it.

RORY: Look it's not like Luke was trying to introduce her to me. I walked in, they were there.

LORELAI: Yeah, right. Okay, fluke.

RORY: Are you okay?

LORELAI: I'm fine. I'm gonna get another drink. Do you want anything? [She shakes her head] Okay, I'll be right back. [Rory looks sad]

[Cut to Zach on stage]

ZACH: What's up, stars hollow? Who likes my robe? [Cheers and applause] Thanks. I'm liking it myself. Okay, tonight is not only the night I married the coolest girl on the planet. It is also the world premiere of the newly reunited Hep Alien. [Cheers and applause] It feels great to be back. [Cheers and applause continue as he goes to Lane and they kiss.] Zach starts to sing "I'm a believer".

LYRICS:

I thought love was only true in fairy tales

meant for someone else but not for me

love was out to get me that's the way it seemed

disappointment haunted all of my dreams

and then I saw her face now I'm a believer

not a trace of doubt in my mind

I'm in love, ooh I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried

[Cut to later that night]

LULU: Kirk, I swear, nothing happened!

KIRK: I know what I saw! He put fruit in your drink, lots of fruit!

LULU: I asked him for the fruit. I was hungry.

KIRK: Attention, partygoers and revelers, as I have just recently fired all of the yummy bartenders, from now on, the bar is serve-yourself.

LULU: Kirk!

KIRK: Too yummy! Way too yummy!

LULU: Kirk this is crazy.

[Kyon and Brian are making out, cut to Chris and Rory.]

CHRISTOPHER: Boy, I tell you, if you have to get married, this is the way to do it.

RORY: "Have to get married"? Oh, my, so cynical and jaded.

CHRISTOPHER: Well, we can't all be cool like Zach.

RORY: I think they're really happy.

CHRISTOPHER: Good that's the way it's supposed to be. I'm glad I came to this thing tonight.

RORY: Me to.

CHRISTOPHER: So, where's Logan?

RORY: Oh, uh, he's in Costa Rica.

CHRISTOPHER: Costa Rica? Work, play?

RORY: Play, always play.

CHRISTOPHER: Really what's he doing?

RORY: Oh, he's gonna jump off something and raft down somewhere, climb up a thing, swing around on a vine, stuff like that.

CHRISTOPHER: Listen, I want you to know that I like him. I like him, and I like you, and I like you and him together.

RORY: Well, good.

CHRISTOPHER: I just want you to know that I approve.

RORY: Dad, it's not like we're getting married.

CHRISTOPHER: But if that changes, I just want you to know...

RORY: That you approve.

CHRISTOPHER: Yes. [Both chuckle] You know, it's been a while since I partied like this, I used to be much better at it.

RORY: Well, maybe Logan can give you some tips when he gets back.

[Cheers and applause as Brian gets on stage.]

BRIAN: Hi. I'm Brian Fuller, bass player for Hep Alien and best man. All right, I want to say a few words about Zach. I've known Zach for most of my life. I've been his roommate and friend, and I just have to say, I think Lane has something very, very wrong with her.

ZACH: Boo!

RORY: Time for the toast. Excuse me a minute.

CHRISTOPHER: Absolutely.

LORELAI: [Walks up with a tray] We are doing sh*ts.

CHRISTOPHER: For 20, apparently.

LORELAI: Pass the salt.

CHRISTOPHER: Uh, you know, I'm a respectable man, Lorelai, an upstanding citizen, I'm a father.

LORELAI: I know. This is how you became one.

CHRISTOPHER: Well, you got me there.

BRIAN: In closing, Lane, if you ever want to see a picture of Zach trying to shove 14 ping-pong balls in his mouth, I have it. To Lane and Zach, may they stay together forever... otherwise, Hep Alien is screwed.

CROWD: To Lane and Zach!

LORELAI: To Lane and Zach!

CHRISTOPHER: To Lane and Zach!

[As they take sh*ts]

LANE: Great toast, Bri.

ZACH: Yes, excellent. Seriously, dude, I need those pictures back.

RORY: Hi, everyone, I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm the maid of honor.

LORELAI: To Rory!

CHRISTOPHER: To Rory!

[More sh*ts]

RORY: I'm not one for speeches, and I don't have any incriminating pictures of Lane, but I do have this letter.

CROWD: Ooh!

RORY: This letter was written in 1995 by one Lane Kim. It was slipped into my hands during a spelling test in Miss Mellon's class. I was so shocked by its contents that I missed the word automobile -- o-t-t-o-mobile. [Zach is thinking about the spelling] That's right, Lane. I remember. I will now share with you the contents of this letter. "Dear Rory, how was your lunch? "Mine was bad. Did you have ham again? "If you did, I am sorry, but mine was worse. "I thought you should know that today at recess "I decided that I'm going to marry Alex Backus. "He has a very nice head, "and his ears don't stick out like Ronnie Winston's do. "I will love him forever, no matter what. See you at brownies. Love, Lane." I'm sorry Lane I just thought that Zach should know that in your heart, he will always be second place to Alex Backus and his well-proportioned ears.

LANE: It's true.

LORELAI: Come on, you're behind. [Still Drinking]

CHRISTOPHER: Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out.

LORELAI: Well that's fun.

RORY: But the bottom line is, I love you, Lane. Congratulations. To the bride and groom.

LORELAI: To the bride and groom!

CHRISTOPHER: Bride and groom! [They take another sh*t] Where you going?

LORELAI: I want to give a toast.

RORY: [Hugging Lane] Congratulations.

[On stage, Lorelai bumps into the bands stuff]

LORELAI: [Sounding drunk] Hello. Everybody, hello. Some of you know me as Lorelai Gilmore, and some of you know me as Cher. But either way, I wanted to say a few words about our girl. I have known Lane forever, and I'm just so incredibly happy that she has gotten married. I mean, I am just so happy that this adorable 22-year-old girl has gotten married, because it's amazing, you know? It's really hard to get married. Believe me, I should know. [Rory looks on worried and looks to Chris, who is also worried.] I mean, seriously, because Lane is married, and next thing, it'll be my daughter, and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards. But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3rd. [Rory getting more worried] Do not save the date. Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3rd, because there's nothing at all happening on that day. If there's anything you need to book or anything, it's totally safe to book it on June 3rd. [Chris gets up and goes to Rory] So, congratulations, Lane and Zach. Who else here had eight sh*ts of Tequila? Anybody? Hands...no? Oh, my gosh, who misses the yummy bartenders? I know, me too. They were so great. I was gonna ask them to not work on June 3rd on my not wedding. I just thought that would be so fun. [Chris and Rory come on stage] Hi, Chris. Hi, Rory.

RORY: How about some coffee?

LORELAI: What? Okay. Well, I guess we're going over here.

ZACH: Totally perfect wedding. [Lane and Zach kiss]

LORELAI'S HOUSE

RORY: Get her over to the couch.

CHRISTOPHER: Man, I must say, when your mom does something, she commits.

RORY: Just prop her up. I'm gonna make some coffee.

CHRISTOPHER: You know hon, if the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will.

RORY: Hey no one knows how to wrangle the powers of coffee like a Gilmore. Just prop her up. She hates to get pillow face.

CHRISTOPHER: Pillow face. Got it.

RORY: [cell phone rings] Hello?

[Rory comes in the living room]

RORY: Logan's hurt.

CHRISTOPHER: What, what do you mean? Is he all right?

RORY: I don't know. That was Colin and the line was bad. Something happened on their trip. They're airlifting him to a hospital in New York.

CHRISTOPHER: Oh boy!

RORY: I got to go. I want to be there when he arrives.

CHRISTOPHER: Yes, go. I can take care of your mom.

RORY: Leave her a note that I'll call her from the hospital.

CHRISTOPHER: I will. Go. [Sighs] All right, Calamity Jane, let's get you to bed.

LORELAI: [Groans] No.

CHRISTOPHER: Yes.

[Cut to later that night in the bed room, Lorelai is asleep in her clothes and Chris is asleep in a chair, the phone rings]

LORELAI: [Half asleep] Hello?… Hi. What time is it? [Sighs] Yeah. I, uh...um...[Sees Chris] no, Luke, it's fine. I'm glad you called. [Sighs] Uh-huh. [Sighs and waves to Chris as he leaves.] Yep, the wedding was great. She looked beautiful.