01x08 - Employee Morale

[bunniefuu]

Hey, folks. Excuse me.

I don't wanna interrupt anyone's work,

but Jin just told me
that he'll be leaving Payne,

and he asked to share
just a few quick, quick words.

- Hello, all. I'm Jin.
- Yeah.

They know that. They know that.

Payne's Chief Financial Officer.

It was years ago that I started

- my first job in finance.
- Mm.

You might be thinking
I look rather young for that.

You're right. I was eight years old.

Great. Well, we can probably

fast forward through a couple decades.

When my parents immigrated
to this country,

they used to have me

do the bookkeeping for their store.

So from early on,
I learned to work with family.

And I still do because
you are all my family too.

All: Aw!

But now I'm leaving my job family

to spend more time
with my non-job family.

By which I mean my actual
family who I'm related to.

Wow. Well, thank you, Jin.

- But I'll miss you.
- We wish you...

I'll miss you all. Going forward...

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

I call dibs on his corner office.

Oh, if you move into his
office, maybe I can take yours.

Oh, so you want to move into
the office that just so happens

to be right next door to Sadie's office?

That's just where his office his is.

Ooh, I bet they're gonna
knock on the wall like once

for "I love you,"
twice for "I miss you."

Yeah, or like,

maybe there's like a cr*ck in the wall.

Oh, exactly, and he's gonna like,

"Oh, Sadie, back up
against the cr*ck in the wall."

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Like this, Jack?

- Oh. Oh, just like that.
- Oh, my God.

No, I just meant like
a cr*ck they talk through

like... like Pyramus and Thisbe.

I'm not sure that this is the audience

or high-brow Greek mythology references.

- Sadie, it feels so good.
- It does, it does.

- It feels so good.
- Ooh!

So how do you want to handle

the press release about Jin leaving?

Ah, I don't know.

"Jin is leaving. How will we go on?

"He'll always live within our hearts

and in the sound of
every baby's laughter."

You know, standard boilerplate.

We... we just want to make sure
it doesn't look to Wall Street

or the board that people
are jumping ship here.

- It's one guy.
- It's not, though.

Our rate of attrition has gone
up, actually, ever since, um...

- Ever since?
- Ever since you started.

We also lost three members of
upper management last quarter.

How much more is that than average?

It's about three...
Three more than average.

- Oh, that's a lot.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, Sadie. I've never tried
this before, but I trust you.

Like watching myself in the mirror.

- What's going on?
- Oh, Elliot was joking

about Jack and Sadie
[bleep] through a gloryhole.

- Wha...
- Seriously?

That's not even close to being true.

Look, I'm not a prude.
I kinda want to hear the joke.

But let's not do that
kind of stuff in front of...

Maybe that's why so many people

around here lately have been quitting.

No one's quitting their job
over an awesome sex joke.

What is it then? Have people
been complaining about me?

Not to me. Certainly.

But you know, everyone
around here knows that I...

You know, I'm true blue Team Katherine.

- Ugh!
- Get your hand out of her ass.

Look, I don't take it personally.

I just need to know what the
issues are so I can fix them.

We could send out employee surveys.

No one's ever really honest in those.

They assume they're not anonymous.

- Well, are they?
- Oh, no, they're not.

We could read employee emails,

see what they're saying
about us behind our backs.

Wait, can we do that?

Read employee emails
on an employee server?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, absolutely.

- We can do that.
- Great.

Some boundaries are there for a reason.

No, no, just to be clear,
I'm not gonna read

any of your emails, okay?

- You can all be exempt.
- Oh.

Rules were meant to be broken.

Let's log on right now.

Okay, nice principles, everybody.

Jack, you go with Elliot. Each
of you should check on the other.

And no reading any of
our emails, all right?

Sadie, talk to Jin.

See if you can stop him from leaving.

Oh, wouldn't that be more
convincing coming from you?

Oh, no, he's pretty
intimidated by strong women.

I think it'd be better coming from you.

That's nice.

So the admin search bar is here.

And if you want to
search for two things,

you can use the "and" function.

Oh, yes, the Boolean operators.

Yeah, I know a little
bit about computers.

I built the website for my wedding.

Yeah, we're divorced now,
but um, you know,

the website's still up.

So what do we search for?

I mean, people don't write
things like "my morale is low."

We could search for "Hate my life.

"Hate my job. Hate this place.
This place sucks [bleep].

"My boss sucks [bleep].
My boss sucks my [bleep].

"My boss is a d*ck.
[bleep] this place.

[bleep] everyone."
That kind of thing.

Yeah, let's... let's start with those.

Jin!

What the... mister, I'm mad at you.

What did I do?

No, I mean, how could you leave us?

Mister? Not cool. I'm gonna miss you.

- But we're not very close.
- Jin, don't say that.

Ow! [clicks tongue]

Let me buy you lunch. What do you like?

Lobster, steak? Anything you want.

What do you want? You want sushi?

Mm, I'm more of a turkey Swiss

on white bread kind of guy.

That sounds amazing!
I want... no, I don't.

I'm gluten-free. Aw,
Jin, I'm gonna miss you.

May I ask you just one little favor?

Would it be possible

if you spoke in your regular voice?

My regular... yeah, yeah.
That's a lot, wasn't it?

It was.

Cy-dawg. Heads up!

[loud whooshing]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I'm in hell!

You are officially invited
to join the Payne Fun Patrol.

- It's in my mouth.
- We're gonna go around.

We're gonna do fun things,
raise morale, it'll be great.

I need an eye wash.
Why did you have to do this?

'Cause this is my family's company,

and if people aren't happy
here, then I'm gonna fix it.

Welcome to the team.

Whoo!

Sweet Jesus.

Hey, everyone. Hi.

I'm just wondering how everyone's

feeling about things.

You know, is there anything

that we or I could...
Could be doing better?

You know, stuff like, um,
I don't know, more windows.

Well, I mean, obviously
we can't... we can't do that.

But, you know, stuff like that.
Stuff like that.

I wouldn't mind having some
pistachios in the break room.

Pistachios! Done. Dori, write it down!

I have tree nut allergies,
so I can't eat pistachios.

- I can't even be near them.
- Got it. Okay, great.

So no pistachios, just cross those off.

All right. All right. All right.

That's no problem at all.

Well, if any of you think
of anything or, you know,

you just want to even ever just chat,

my door is always open.

- Is now a good time?
- I'm sorry?

Is now a good time to chat?

Uh, Dori, what's... What's my schedule?

- Is it pretty... pretty hectic?
- Uh, no.

You just have an interview
with Motor Trend today,

but that's in half an hour,
so you're free right now.

So I... I am free. I am free.
And I am free right now.

There I am. I'm free.
So I guess come on in. Um...

Barb. Short for Barbara.

But that's my grandmother's name,

so I go by Barb.

Great. Love it. Barb!
Come on. Let's chat! Barb, huh?

Okay, so we have two options.
We go all the way fun...

So like dumping a bucket
of slime on someone's head...

Or we go classy, like eating
sushi off a naked lady.

But the problem is body heat.
You don't want a hot sushi.

Or we could have a little cake

- and give everyone T-shirts.
- Okay. Building on that idea.

Foam party. All right?

No one sees what anyone's
doing, total deniability

to "roam in the foam."

How's that building on my idea?

T-shirts made me think of wet T-shirts

made me think of foam party.

In college, we had a Silly Wall.

Just a little section of a wall

where people could draw silly
pictures or write messages.

You must be the least fun person

I've ever met in my life.

If I'm so not fun, then why did you

ask for my help in the first place?

Because everyone else is busy.

What the hell?

Did you know people around the office

were referring to me as "Asexuelliot"?

We said we wouldn't read
emails about each other.

No, we wouldn't read emails
from each other, okay?

From, not about. It's
a crucial preposition.

I mean, "Asexuelliot"
is not even a good nickname.

I don't think it's supposed to be good.

I think it's supposed to be mean.

No, but my point is it's not accurate, okay?

Because I'm not asexual.

I mean, Chloe, do you think I'm asexual?

I never thought about your
sexuality one way or another.

See?

Isn't that the definition of asexual?

Okay. Yeah. No, I see what's going on.

It's because I'm British.
That's what's going on.

This often happens
on this side of the pond.

No, what about Daniel Craig?

Well, he is the exception
that proves the rule.

Idris Elba, Kit Harington,

Charlie Hunnam, Henry Cavill,

Andrew Garfield, Pierce Brosnan.

Well, Pierce Brosnan is Irish.

Pretty much the whole
cast of "Bridgerton."

[bleep] off, Chloe. Actually.

And then the doctor said,
"I'm not even anemic.

I'm just old." [laughs]

That's amazing.

Uh, I hate to interrupt,

but you have that Motor Trend interview.

Seriously? sh**t.

You know, I was skeptical
about this, but this was great.

If you want to stop by later,

I'll tell you the second
half of that story.

Are you sure? I don't want to bug you.

You could never.
Absolutely not. Hey, Dori.

If Barb ever wants to stop by,
my door is always open, okay?

All right, then I'll see you later.

Okay. Take care, Barb. [laughs]

Wow, looks like you guys really...

That is the most annoying
[bleep] lunatic

I have ever met in my entire life.

Don't ever let her within
ten feet of me ever again.

- Okay. I got it.
- Oh, and Dori?

If I ever asked you
if something's on my calendar,

the answer is always yes!

Yes.

It's not gonna be the same
without you here.

I feel like we're just
getting to know each other.

- Are you on the 'gram?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm on the 'gram.

Is there something that we could do

to make you change your mind?

I know it's been a tough year

with the remodel and
the stock restructure.

And, you know, there
is an adjustment period

having a new CEO that isn't
fully versed in the industry.

- That's an understatement.
- Katherine?

Right. Take it you're not a fan then.

Understatement number two.

Not only am I not a
fan. I'm an anti-fan.

- Gotcha.
- I actively dislike her.

Everybody up! [upbeat music playing]

Come on! I said get out of those seats.

I want you and you and you.

Not you. Just kidding. You too. Come on!

What is happening?

Oh, what's happening is
a midday dance break.

Get those endorphins going.
Come on, everybody! Whoo!

Or if you feel like being wacky,

come check out the Silly Wall.

Hey, Cyrus, what's a Silly Wall?

I'm gonna show you.

Come on, you don't need
to know those moves.

Just find that b*at. Uh-oh.

She'll have to call you
back. She's dancing!

So this is an octopus.
Kind of silly, right?

But I'm gonna get even sillier with it

and give him a cowboy hat.

Hey, who put all the supplies
on my dance floor?

Get out of here. Come on, everybody!

It's the running man.
Do the running man. Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.
Everyone, do this move.

Lauren, do this move
or else you're fired.

Whoa! Bad form, but I
love the effort. Whoo!

Now, what if this octopus
was wearing a cowboy hat

on top of the Empire State Building?

Uh-uh. Y'all ain't ready. Hold on.

Hey, ho! Hey, ho!

Not mandatory but highly suggested.

This is silly as hell, right? [laughs]

Okay, so I didn't go around the office

talking about sex all the time.
That doesn't make asexual.

Makes me appropriate for the workplace.

- Hmm.
- What?

Ah, nothing.

Are they calling you asexual too?

- No.
- Are they calling you sexual?

Do you know what, it
doesn't... doesn't matter.

Don't even know why... don't even
know why I'm talking about it.

I mean, Janine is calling me asexual.

I mean, the woman is
a weapons-grade boner k*ller.

Right?

Uh, yes. Excuse me.
I have to call you back.

Excuse me! Hi. Where are you going?

Oh, I was telling Kat about
this hilarious goat yoga video.

I just want to show it to her.

Yeah, well, she's not in.

You can forward it to me
and I'll make sure she sees it.

I want to watch her face
while she's watching it.

I'll wait for her.

No, actually, she doesn't like people

being in her office
when she's not there.

Um, I'm not "people." I'm Barb.

You are... Barb!

Barb, please! No, don't you sit down!

Her leadership skills
are lackluster at best.

And you ever notice how she says right

at the end of everything
and you have to say right back

like you're agreeing with her
even when she's wrong?

Sure. She's an acquired taste.

You should come with me to Volkswagen.

- You're going to Volkswagen?
- And not just me.

They're poaching all our best people.

By next year, there will be
no one good left here.

It'll be like... Ever
read "Atlas Shrugged"?

- No.
- "Stranger in a Strange Land"?

I don't have that much time to read.

- "Hunger Games."
- Oh, that was a book?

I saw the movie. Great movie.

Yeah, well, this place
is about to become District .

That's the worst district.

Volkswagen?

All these people have been
jumping ship for Volkswagen?!

He said Hassan Carr in Logistics,

Claire Hartley in Gov Affairs,
and Rob Berg in Design

are all leaving with him this week.

And if that makes other people follow,

pretty soon it's gonna be like

"Stranger in a Strange
Land" around here.

Never read that. Is that any good?

It's pretty good.

I can't believe they're
poaching Rob Berg!

I am so much better than him.

Yeah, that's the headline here.

Okay. Jin is the biggest
name on this list.

If I can get him to agree to stay,

maybe it will staunch the bleeding.

Or we publicly fire the people

who are planning to leave.
Make an example of them.

"This is what happens
when you get out of the line."

Publicly purging your enemies
might feel a little fascist.

Yeah, there's literally
a video of S*ddam Hussein

doing exactly that.

Yeah, that's where I got the idea.

Yeah. I don't want to
rule by fear, okay?

I want people to be here
because they want to be here.

Do you think they went after Rob

because they thought
I was too loyal to be poached?

Oh, I don't think anyone
would think that about you.

- You're gonna get...
- Hey!

- Why can't I get you out?
- Leave me alone!

- You cannot be here!
- What is going on?

Kat, thank God.

Your secretary is trying to kick me out.

She ran in here.

I'm trying to keep her away
from you, Katherine.

Why would she be trying
to keep me away from you?

I haven't the faintest idea.
Dori, Barb is my friend.

Wasn't I clear when I said
my door is always open to Barb?

I am really disappointed in you.

Now if you could please do your job

and ask Jin to come see me,
that would be great.

No problem.

I am so sorry about her. Wow!

- Cyrus, am I a sexual person?
- Um.

I'm not... I'm not hitting
on you or anything like that.

It's just that... I guess some
people here think I'm asexual.

So you know, doesn't really bother me.

- But it does a bit.
- No.

Maybe it's just because you're British.

So funny, that's exactly
what I said, thank you.

I mean, this morning Wesley
said I'm not fun.

I mean, that's not true, right?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly describe you

as the office fun guy, but...

Well, at least I'm not a [bleep] eunuch.

- Hey, you got a sec?
- Sure. What's up?

Yeah, did you recommend me

for a management training program?

- Training program?
- Yeah.

I saw the email chain

between you and the head of the program.

I mean, I wasn't reading your emails.

I saw it in his inbox.

Yes, the PMTB, yeah.

I... I go by the acronym. Yeah.

I mean, I thought that
that would be great for you.

- I hope that's okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it would rotate me

out of Detroit for months at a time.

Would it? I didn't...
I didn't know that.

You trying to get rid of me again?

Whoa! Wow. Try to do a guy a favor.

Right, if you... if you're
still feeling weird about us

or if it's maybe because
I'm dating this new girl or...

No, I thought that this
would be a chance for you

to get the tools that you need
to have a career here.

But, you know, if you're fine
not having the tools

and like being tool-less...

Okay, so now you're just insulting me?

You know what? It's fine. Forget it.

Maybe people will just
keep hitting you with cars

and promoting you to positions

that you didn't earn
and you don't deserve.

Got it.

Sorry for doubting your motives.

- It wasn't what I...
- No, thank you.

For the recommendation.

Jin, you're Chinese American, right?

Well, my folks are from China.

But my mother's family is from Vietnam.

My point is that no matter our heritage,

we all speak the same language.

- English.
- Money.

And I am willing to offer you

a stupid amount of it
to stay right here at Payne.

The board would never approve that.

They wouldn't know.
You're the CFO. Find it.

You're suggesting that
I embezzle from the company?

Creative accounting.

It isn't about the money.

Jin, I don't want to be the boss

that has to rule by fear.

I don't want to have
to thr*aten to tie you up

in litigation so long
that you would never

get to enjoy your boring golden years

with your boring wife
and your boring grandchildren.

Don't make me be that boss.

- Maybe you won't be any boss.
- What does that mean?

Word on the street is
the board isn't happy with you.

If I were you, I'd focus more
on whether you're gonna be able

to keep your own job
than worrying about mine.

- Barb.
- Hey, Jin.

Sorry, I just had to show you
the YouTube video

of the cinnamon challenge.
It's a major fail.

Who is ready for the first ever

Payne Employee Appreciation Party?

Everybody, make some noise!

[loud whooshing]

[ Unlimited's "Get
Ready For This" playing]

Dori, air horn. [air horn blares]

Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah!

Okay, yeah, you're feeling this?

Hello, ladies. Janine.

- Hi, Elliot.
- Donuts, right?

Yeah, kinda make me horny.

No, no, no. I'm happy here.
Good pay, love the work.

I... I don't think I'd ever leave.

Although I could for
the right opportunity.

But you know, it'd have
to make sense financially.

But you know, if the money is good.

I could take a haircut if I had to.

Hey.

Hey.

I was trying to get rid of you.

It's not that I don't like you.

It's just hard enough
being taken seriously

as a young female executive

without a guy you had a fling with

sitting ten feet away
and people making jokes

that we should drill
gloryholes in the wall.

- I'm so sorry about that.
- It's not your fault.

Anyway, that is the
only reason that I said

you didn't deserve to be here,
and it's not true.

Just because it's the
reason you said it,

doesn't mean it's not true.

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

[air horn blares]

Yeah! Come on. We're feeling it, right?

Oh! Okay.

What is this? What's happening?

Uh-oh. [air horn blares]

It looks like we're gonna
turn the fun dial up to .

Please give it up for the woman
who puts the "Kat"

- in catastrophe.
- Oh, no, no, no.

The one, the only Katherine Hastings!

I don't... I'm... I don't wanna.

Come on, Payne!
Show her some love. Let's go.

- Oh.
- Come on.

Don't worry. I got 'em all warmed up.

You just gotta hit it home.

Okay, wow. Wow.

Uh, hello, I hope everyone
is having a great day.

You know, here at Payne,
we have a great group of folks.

Yeah, and, um, and I think
our best days are ahead.

I do.

[scattered applause]

Yes, we should be excited.

That's right because who are we?

Then you guys say Payne.
Then you guys say Payne.

So I say... I say who are we?
And you guys know go...

All: Payne!

Right!

I said, who are we?

All: Payne! [air horn blares]

But you know, a business is
only as good as its employees.

So to those among us
who do not feel that love,

do not feel that pride,

I say find somewhere else to work.

If you're not gung-ho
about working here,

hey, I will find someone else who is.

Hassan Carr, Claire Hartley,
Rob Berg, Jintao Kang,

please pack your things and go.

Now who are we?

- All: Payne!
- That's right! Who! Are! We?

All: Payne!

Yes!

[cheers and applause]

[air horn blares]

Hi. That was quite the speech.

Kind of went the S*ddam route, huh?

He was in power for years,

must have been doing something right.

[chuckles]

I think I'm in trouble.

I think the board might want me out.

Oh.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- No, it's late. You go home.

I need some time to think anyway.

Okay, night.

That's a lot of penises.

Yeah.

Adds something to the place, huh?

Yeah. Adds penises.

Hmm.

Well, don't stay too late.
Have a good night.

Night.

Hi, Peyton. This is Jack Fordham.

Sadie Ryan sent you an email about me.

I want to say the next time
that there's an opening

in the training program,
definitely interested.

Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks.