09x11 - Shall I Visit the Dinosaurs

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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09x11 - Shall I Visit the Dinosaurs

Post by bunniefuu »

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

[Clicking]
Are you there, God?

[Phone chimes]

It's me, Margaret.

God just ghosted me!

End of the line, Bonnie and Clyde.

[g*nf*re]

[Grunting]

Cease fire, cease fire!

Okay, you boys want to explain
why this perpetrator

was sh*t primarily in the d*ck area?

I mean, with so many g*ns,
I figured I could just sh**t him

- in the d*ck and nobody would notice.
- That was my thinking, as well.

This wasn't a carnival game, boys.

Captain, begging you pardon,
but if he only got

- hit in the d*ck and you were sh**ting, too ...
- Ah, ya got me!

Sorry, guys.
I was just having fun.

[Laughter]

I'm still alive.

Oh, not for long.

[g*nf*re]

[Christmas music plays]

_

♪♪

Ugh!

- Thanks for always having my back, Kris.
- You kiddin', Krampus?

BFFs forever
[echoing] ever, ever...

_

Okay, everyone. Please welcome
Jesus Christ into your lives.

[Twinkle!]

'Sup?
[Gasps]

[Bleats]

Jesus, would it be cool
if I sat next to y...

[Both laughing]

Ooh. Here.
[Smacks lips, chuckles]

- Uh! [Bleats]
- Krampus, wait!

I mean, it's not his fault.

Krampus is just so sensitive, you know?

Shh. You're too giving, Kris Kringle.
Receive for once.

- Ooh!
- This is such a bitch to open.

Oh, let me do this.

[Grunts]
It's just so hard.

Nnn!

[Groans]
[Liquid splashes]

[Laughs]
I got it on my hand.

Is it supposed to be this color?

I don't know.
Is it supposed to taste so good?

[Bleats, sobs]

♪♪

You're doing just fine,
Mrs. McDermott,

- the C-section's going really ...
- [Splat!] Yeah!

Ooh! Tight fit.
[Baby crying]

Well, good for you.

Congratulations, mommy.
Here we go!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Huh. That's probably gonna make
an increase in your copay.

[Horns honking]

Oh! Busy, busy,
busy in Busytown!

No time to be busy!
I'm too busy!

Hey, baby, Netflix and... busy?

[Horns honking]

[expl*si*n]

Man: Oh, my gosh, it looks like
a massive -car pile up.


Who can find Goldbug?

Hey, there he is.

You're going to tell me about
your relationship with Dan.

- So you know about that.
- Not yet. You haven't told me.

But you just said you knew.

I said you were going to tell me
seconds from now.

How can you know
what I'm going to say

before I've said it
but still say you don't know?

Because you haven't told me yet.

We will be here when you tell me.

Why do I need to tell you
when you already know?

I won't know until you tell me.

- Tell you what?!
- That you slept with Dan.

- Aha! So you do know.
- Not yet.

Ugh! So, in the future, I
tell you that I slept with Dan,

which you already
seem to know about,

even though you don't know
because I haven't told you,

but you do know
that I'm going to tell you

because even though I haven't
told you, I have told you?!

Yeeeess.

[Voice breaking] You tell me now.

- Fine. I slept with Dan.
- No! [Sobs]

Laurie, how could you do this to me?

Ugh, Dan said you would
act like this.

[Sobbing] I know!
I know!!

- Mind if I join you?
- If you have the will.

Baccarat is not a game
for the timid.

Not a problem.
The names Bond, James Bond.

My name is Dickson Butts,
but you may call me...

Dicks In Butts.

[Musical b*at]

This is not my table.

There are ways to k*ll a man.
[m*llitary music]

Today I will teach you
method number one.

k*ll them with kindness.

You look real good in that.

- Compliments the shape of your face.
- Thank you, sir!

They say you like Starbucks.

- Here's a gift card for ya.
- Oh! Thank you, sir!

- I love you, buddy.
- I love you, too.

[Thumping, Splat!]
Whoa!

Everyone got that?!

Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir!

[g*ns f*ring]
♪♪

Bear hug!
[Laughs]

[Splat!]
Aah!

[Thud!]

- I love you!
- Oh!

[Splat!]
[Laughs]

No!
[Splat!]

Captain Fellows,
you are a true American hero.

It's an honor, sir.

[Camera shutter clicks, crowd gasps]

- Oh, hey.
- Ooh. [Laughs]

Ooh! You almost k*lled me!

Feed me. Feed me.
Ay-tay.


Hug me.
Love me. Pet me.


[Thud!]
Ooh.


[Speaking native language]

Woman: I'll never forget the genocide.

They took us from our homes.

They b*at us and tortured us.

They wanted us to suffer.

[Bleep] burn, monster!
[Laughs]


Those who saw it said nothing.

_
♪♪

__

_

__

[Grunts]
Ow, Mr. Piccolo. That hurt!

- If you can whine, you can fight.
- Aah!

- Move, move, move, move!
- What are you doing to him?

Piccolo, you're going up the
river for the kidnapping,

brainwashing, radicalization, and
training of a minor in deadly combat.

You fools! Two giant space apes
are coming to conquer Earth.

This four-year-old and I are
your only chance of stopping them.

Mr. Piccolo's gonna get
the help he needs, son.

- Want some McDonald's?
- No need!

Mr. Piccolo gives me
all the Senzu Beans I can eat!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kid, they don't need
to know about the, uh, Senzu Beans.

[Indistinct babbling]

Hm. Must be some new strain
of Angel Dust.

Get in the van, you sicko!

Why have you brought me here,
Apocalypse?

Do you remember your purpose, Magneto?

This is where your journey began.

You can choose to run away,

but destiny will keep
calling your name.

- And it is I...
- What the hell is going on here?

Great. Humans.

- Away with you insects!
- Away with us?

Um, m-maybe ... and I'm just
thinking out loud here ...

away with the numbnuts
in the blue make up,

who thought it'd be
a good idea to show up

at a genocide memorial in their
[bleep] Halloween costume!

Hey, Apocalypse,
maybe we should go?

Yeah. I don't love standing
at the site of one

of the world's greatest atrocities

with my b*ttcheeks hanging out
of a purple thong.

- The ascendants of h*m* Superior will ...
- What did you just call me?

You're the h*m* with your boots.

Wha...
Prepare to meet your maker!

. million Jews perished on this site
between and .

Are you really threatening
to add to the body count?


Silence!
All shall bow before ...

Did you say . million?
That is a stunning number.

You really need to take this tour.

[Sad music plays]

I had no idea.

Don't worry, Ross.
One day, you'll find your lobster.

[Audience groans]

What? Everyone knows
lobsters mate for life.

You're wrong about the lobsters.

First, lobsters sense
each other with their antenna,

kind of like when you check
a girl out at a bar.

Then the female pees on the male ...
also what I do at a bar.

[Laughs]
I'm just serious.

Then they throw a few jabs
at each other, and then,

if she's impressed, they move in
together where she knights him,

then she takes off her shell,
it's called molting,

but Aunt Heather calls it
"Lauren, stop being a whore."

Anyways, they boink
for about a week nonstop.

Then they even eat
their molted shell ... weirdos.

Then she leaves, impregnated
and never looking back.

That's how lobsters have sex.
How do I know?

Because I am one!
[Laughs evilly]

Anyone want a handjob?
[Laugh track]

[Whistles]
Children, meet your new nanny...

- Fraulein Puddin'.
- What is up, [bleep] Nazis?

[Clears throat]
Meet the Von Trapp family.

Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Kurt,

Brigitta, Marta, and Gretl.

Damn! Did your wife have
a [bleep] or a cannon?

- Their mother is dead.
- Ohhh.

- My condolences... shithead!
- Learn their names by tomorrow.

Slut-butt, sh*t-facts,
Scroat-boat, [Bleep] lick,

Fart Knocker, Handslam,
and Mommy k*ller.

Nn... Close enough.

The [bleep] is with this
cheap-ass pee-orange scheisse.

Captain Von Honda
Silver Up His Butthole

thinks I'm gonna raise his
snot-nosed spunk deposits?

[Lightning crashes]

- Fraulein Puddin', we're scared.
- Me, too, p*ssy.

Know what I like to do
when I'm scared?

- Sing?
- [Bleep] yeah, sing.

[Guitar strums]

♪ Scroat, a word I like to say ♪

♪ Taint, a word I also use ♪

♪ Hairy balls
and crusty snatch ♪


♪ Also penis-sucking cooch ♪

Damn!
Who passed out sheet music?!

♪ [Bleep] face, tea-bagger,
and jag ♪


♪ Buttmunch, hanging dinglebag ♪

♪ Drippy flaming slag ♪

♪ And it brings us back to
scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪


♪ Scroat, a word I like to say ♪

- ♪ Taint, a word I also use ♪
- ♪ Singing good ♪


- ♪ Hairy balls and crusty snatch ♪
- ♪ You can [bleep] ♪


- ♪ And also penis-sucking cooch ♪
- ♪ Everyone ♪


- ♪ Scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪
- Aah!


♪ Scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪

♪ Scroat, scroat, scroat, scroat ♪
[Grunting]


[Coughs]
Oh!

Fraulein Puddin',
what is the meaning of this?

Scroat ... They're the tiny,
shriveled robin's eggs

hanging under your hairy
uncut wiener schnitzel, sir.

- You're fired.
- Fine! I don't give a sh*t.

I ain't gonna miss those turd piles.

Not even little Mommy k*ller.

[Crying] What's the matter?
h*tler got your d*ck?

Actually, I've been drafted.

- And also, I'm in love with you.
- Da [bleep]?

What about Baroness
Big Bushy Von Cameltoe?

I'm cool.

♪ Adieu, [bleep]nuts ♪

♪ Adieu, scrotum sucking shithats ♪

♪ Adieu ♪

♪ Adieu ♪

♪ [Bleep] you ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Whoo!

There's no time for the encore.
The Nazis are here.

Listen, Uncle Wilted Foreskin,

I didn't escape no
beaver-banging convent,

teach a bunch of repressed Aryan
brats how to sing their feelin's,

marry rich, and rise to the top,

own the mutha[bleep] Salzburg
music charts to just walk away.

Now, let's get back out there!

[Cheers and applause]

Our next number's called...

See You in Hell!

[Laughs]
[g*ns f*ring]

[People screaming]

Oh, my God!
[Laughter]

[expl*si*n]

[Evil laughter]

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
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