09x12 - What Can You Tell Me About Butt Rashes

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Theme music]

[Whirring]

[music]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

[Alarm blaring]
Oh, no. Time to Hulk-out.

[Growling]

[Deep voice]
Oh, no! Hulk leg still asleep.

Hulk coming!
W-Wait for Hulk!

[Grunting]

Mr. Scrooge, you've given
the Cratchit family

a merry Christmas, indeed.

- And I've saved the best gift for Tiny Tim.
- Oh, gosh, what is it?

Motherfuckin' robot legs!

[Screaming, crashing]

Tiny Tim:
God bless us, every one!

Merry Christmas, Cocksuckers!

[music]

- Yo, man, $ for the girl.
- [Giggles] Hey.

She graduate high school?

- Uh, no.
- Hey, f*ck you.

High school graduates
earn way more on average.

sh*t!
You hear that, baby?

I'll get you a GED,
and we both be earning.

Ooh! Cool!

You really want to increase
her earning potential,

get her a bachelor's degree.

- sh*t! I'll get her a motherfuckin' doctorate!
- Huh?

Thanks. Yay!
[Giggles]

Whoo! We gonna make
some bank now.

Aw, it's a shame
that women only make

- cents on the dollar compared to men.
- Aw, hell, no!

Nobody's rippin' off cents
on every dollar from me!

Well, Congress doesn't exactly have

a great equal-rights
track record lately.

Baby, you're runnin' for Congress!

- Aw! I don't wanna.
- If I say you runnin', you runnin'

- and winning!
- Ugh...

And that's why we must
pass legislation for equal pay.

Women would get paid more
if businesses didn't lose money

- from maternity leave.
- Oh, no, you didn't.

- Now, sir, stay in your ...
- Oh, my God!

Nobody asked you about...
[bagel bangs]

Congresswoman, will you please
direct your associate

to stop pimp slapping
the fine representative ...

Oh, sh*t!
[Crash]

Pimp: Ain't nobody asked
you about sh*t! [Screaming]

Got a grande, non-fat,
triple three-pump, white mocha

with light ice for Voldem-m...

Uh...

[country music]

You know, the Confederate flag
isn't a r*cist symbol.

The Civil w*r was principally
a battle over states' rights,

- not sl*very.
- I disagree with my cousin Bo,

and I am embarrassed to be
in this car right now.

Ask my cousin Luke
how many black friends he has.

The answer is zero.
Ask him how many black friends I have.

Spoiler alert ... one.
Checkmate!

- Guess who's not a r*cist ... muh!
- Please tell my cousin Bo

that his dark-skinned friend,
Chevy, is Guatemalan, not black.

Uh, tell my cousin Luke
that I'm thinking

of a different friend named T-Tyrone

who lives in Chickasaw County,
and Luke ...

Luke's never even met him.
So, who's not a r*cist now?

- That is such bullshit.
- You're such bullshit!

_
[music]

Oh, look what you've done!

I'm melting!
Melting!

I regret so many things.

Most of all, banging
that guy in the pile

of discarded lunch meat
outside of Quiznos.

Oh, screw all of you.
I don't need your judgment.

I'm going!
Going!

The guy was kind of attractive
in an ugly sort of way ...

like a pug.
Plus, I hadn't gotten any in a while.

Why am I explaining myself
to you idiots?!

It was a mistake!
I own that.

He also gave me Hep C.

Look, if you run into
a very ugly man outside

the Oz Quiznos, who is
almost surely by now,

please tell him he has Hep C!

Dad, can I have
a rocket-powered skateboard?

What happened
to your allowance, Richie?

Oh, I spent it on a
gold-plated shark. [Gasps]

Oh, that's the same look
the shark gave me

as it sank to the bottom of the bay.

Gosh darn it!
No more allowance

until you learn
how the real world works!

Well, looks like we're in
the same boat, brother...

essentially.
W-What's your story?

Lost my job at
the solar-energy plant.

Hmm.

I was the owner
of this solar-energy plant.

- My dream is dead.
- What happened?

The oil company lobbied
Congress to shut us down.

Um, Senator, why did you
let Big Oil write legislation

that shut down
the solar-energy plant?

Well, it's a travesty,

but special-interest money
owns half of Congress.

But where does the
special-interest money come from?

$ , ...

$ , ...
Ah, Richie.

Did you learn a lesson
about the real world?

Yeah, I learned that
special-interest money

is destroying people's lives.

[Nervous laughing]

Oh, yeah, hmm, hmm...

Well, until the special
interests are stopped,

America will continue to spiral
down the toilet. Sorry, Dad.

Pull that trigger
and you'll never get that

rocket-powered skateboard.

- Wheeeee!
- Way to go, kid!

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

I think I got another concussion,
but Coach says I'm fine.

[Groans]
Buy me a yacht.

Mama, why's that beautiful
woman with a monster?

Well, Chip...

[music]
♪ The story's old as dirt ♪

♪ Scholars all agree ♪

♪ Moron athletes get ♪

♪ The best p*ssy to pet ♪

♪ Unequivocally ♪

g*dd*mn it, baby,
I ain't gonna tell you again

not to talk when you
talking to me, damn it!

And what's going on
over there, Mama?

[music]

♪ Certain as a douche ♪

♪ Having a goatee ♪

♪ Domestic v*olence fears ♪

♪ Lead to black-eyed tears ♪

♪ Brute and his cutie ♪

Wah ... And where's
the public outcry?

Well...

♪ Outrage can't score points ♪

♪ Convicts can't play D ♪

♪ Our memories are short ♪

♪ Let's throw it out of court ♪

♪ Justice takes a knee ♪

- Oh!
- Hey, a free pot!

Go long!
[Screaming]

- Mom!
- [Mimics crying] Ohh, my mom...

You're a monster!

- That's you.
- Sir, this is a restaurant!

Are you single?

[Cow bell ringing]
Oh, I say, what do you say

you trade that cow
for these magic beans?

Oh, magic beans!
Sold, dude.

You mean to tell me
you sold our only cow

for a handful of beans?!

Oh, son.
Fetch my whipping belt.

Well, surprise ...
I'm already wearing it.

- And whip!
- Ah-ow! Ah-ha-ha! Ah!

Stupid beans.
I wish I'd never met you.

[Rumbling]

Wow.
I wonder what's up there.

Eh. Who gives a sh*t.

Hey, Monsanto,
how much would you pay

for an -mile-tall beanstalk?

[rock music]

Thanks for the beans, suckah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Tires squealing]

[Coughing]

That punk doesn't realize
this cow is magic!

[Cackling]

Sprout your magic cow wings

and fly me to Bermuda!
Yeah!

Well, [sighs] looks like
I've made a terrible mistake.

I need your clothes, your boots,
and your motorcycle.

And your watch.
And your glasses.

That belt ...
Where did you acquire it?

J-J-JCPenney.

JCPenney.
Thank you.

And your sandwich.
I need your sandwich.

I need your clothes, your boots,
the JCPenney belt is a pass,

your motorcycle, your watch,

your sunglasses,
and your sandwich.

You have a nice body.
Do you workout?

Pika... Ah...

- Pikachu's down.
- We're not finished yet.

I've got one more trick
up my sleeve.

Are you ignoring me on purpose?!
Pikachu is bleeding out!

Glinda, Good Witch of the North,

- I choose you!
- It's Glinda.

All right, Glinda, munchkin mash!

[Giggles]

[Munchkins exclaiming]

Now, go for
the Yellow Brick Road.

[Singsong voice]
Yellow-brick tornado!

Emerald wizard att*ck!

Uh, stop conjuring me.

I'm a very good man,
but a poor Pokémon.

[Growls]

- Finish him with the house of pain!
- It's Glinda-Glinda.

[Air whistling]

Oh, thank you, Ash.

Since Dorothy k*lled the
Wicked Witch of the West,

I've run out of b*tches
to scrap with. [Giggles]

Wow. Do you have any other
surprises in your balls?

- [Chuckles] Wink.
- By the way, Pikachu is... dead.

David, our dress code clearly
calls for a three-piece suit.

Well, it's laundry day,
so I tripled up on pants.

Hope that's cool.

Man: Squirrels have
multiple uses for acorns.

It is both food source
and suppository. [chitters]

Go on, then. You said you'd
do it for squirrel dollars.

Deal is a deal.

Lieutenant Dan!
You got new legs!

Tiny Tim: And so did I!
God bless us, every one!

I love this new
churro place, Sailor Scouts.

[Roaring]

[Screaming]

- Serena, turn into Sailor Moon.
- Right!

- And I'll turn into Sailor Mercury.
- I'll become Sailor Mars.

- Sailor Jupiter.
- Sailor Venus.

And I'll turn into Sailor Earth!

[Gasps]
There's no Sailor Earth.

Watch and learn, babe.
Earth prism power go.

[Whimsical music]

[Farts]

[music]

Wow. You look...
out of breath.

Just what are your powers?

I possess the combined
qualities of all Earth people.

So, you know, whatever they do.

Earth power ... racism!

Nice poncho, ese.
How many pesos did it cost,

or did you steal it off a dead
burro, you f*ck? [All gasping]

You cannot say those things!

Oh, racism doesn't exist anymore?

Tell it to the billion Earthlings.

[Dramatic chord plays]

Cool your tits. I got this.

Chemically-enhanced
decision-making activate...

But you're so out of shape.

Yeah, well, technically I'm obese,

just like % of
the Earth's population.

Ow! sh*t! Ow!
Oh!

Law of unintended
consequences, or whatever...

Monster: Wah!

[Gasps]
Wow, he did it!

Oh, but the food court will be
uninhabitable for weeks!

I don't know, it's like
that Earth expression ...

"Only sh*t where you eat."

- That is not the expression.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, tell that to the Gulf after
the next preventable oil spill.

[Whining] Sailor Earth
makes me feel guilty

about being a human being.

I b*at up the owner,
so... this stuff's mine.

That's called geopolitics.

Hey, can I get in on some
of that churro action?

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.