09x13 - Gimme That Chocolate Milk

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

- Yay, Slinky!
- How do you like it?!

Terrifying, eh?
A bit nauseous?

Don't you love being
thrown down the stairs?!

Oh, look! You didn't make it
all the way down.

- I'll tell you what, we'll try again.
- Slinky, why?!

For my people!
For my people!

Just turned .

Captain Planet, there's smog
emergency here in China.

Oh, Planeteers, great.

Let me just press pause
on that dump I was gonna take.

[Coughing] How many times do I
have to tell people,

air pollution is a huge problem!

Captain, there has been oil
spill at Dakota Access Pipeline.

We've gone over this so often.
Oil spills are deadly

for the indigenous
creatures of this planet!

Captain, Captain!
[yelling, arguing]

Shut the [bleep] up, all right?!

I'm not gonna keep
saving this planet

if you people are just
gonna keep destroying it!

- But you have always helped us.
- And it's a losing battle, Linka.

I'm just making up beds
in a burning house here! Yeah.

[all gasp]
Captain Planet, what's going on?

The humans of the earth
are ruining you, Gaia.

Now, I've tried to teach them,
but it's no use!

We have to start over.

- So be it.
- What is happening?!

Children of humanity,
today is your judgment day!

[Screaming, Captain Planet laughing]

I'm Captain Planet!

I'm taking out the trash!

[Screaming]

[music]

What are you going to do
with all your free time now?

I don't know. I still got
that dump on deck.

Kiss me!
[moaning]

Where's this man who says he
knows where my Uncle Benjen is?

- For the watch. [grunts]
- For the watch.

- For the watch.
- For the watch. [gasps]

It was slice to know you!

- What the hell was that?
- Oh, I was just mixing it up.

No. We're all supposed
to say "For the watch."

That's the point ...
for the watch, everyone.

But so many people
had said that already.

I think he's got the point.
[gasps] "Got the point!" Oh!

Should I s*ab him again and say that?

- Yeah, you got the point!
- No.

Hey, what about, "Sorry, Jon. I know
I've always been kind of a prick."

[laughs]
'Cause the sharp thing.

[Laughing]

- That's good!
- It's "For the [bleep] watch!"

- Now say it.
- Fine. Sorry, guys, sorry.

I'm sorry.
For the watch-ch-ch-ch...

- me s*ab you! Yeah!
- Stop it!

Po! Po!

- La-la! La-la!
- Po! [Giggling]

- Po! Po!
- La-la! La-la!

[music]

Oh, my [bleep] God!
Shut up!

I'm tires of wasting my life as
your c*ptive audience! [Groans]

Well, it happened ...
I spent my entire life

watching you monkey-faced
dildos bounce around,

and now my life is over.

But I'm getting
the last laugh, fools!

[Laughing]

[Groans]

Huh?

[Ice shattering]

Solve the riddle
of the sphinx or die!

Here it is. Cameron Crowe's
grunge opus.

- That's the riddle?
- Solve it or die!

Seven letters, second
to last letter is an "E."

Are you working on
a crossword puzzle?

- That's none of your concern.
- Uh, I'm pretty sure that

movie was called "Singles."

Go ahead. You may pass.

- Answer my riddle or die.
- Another one?

- Okay.
- Here it is!

Do you want to watch "Singles"
at my house tonight?

Bridget Fonda just wants a guy to
say "bless you" when she sneezes.

That part will be important later.

- Yeah, I saw this movie in .
- I can't stop watching it.

I've seen it five times this week.

- Thanks for the recommendation.
- It wasn't really a ...

Riddle me this ... do you want
to go in the bedroom?

- Do I die if I answer incorrectly?
- Only of horniness! [laughs]

Sorry. I'm nervous.
Argh!

- Uh, how did you get lion herpes?
- It's a riddle.

Whistle if you need anything.

You know how to whistle,
don't you, Steve?

Sure, you just put your
lips together and you blow.

'Course I do, sweetie.

[Sputtering]

Good night, Steve.

And in the wake of today's
tragic sh**ting here in Houston,

I want to offer my prayers to
those families who lost loved ones.

- Yes, miss?
- April O'Neil, New York Channel News.

Mr. Mayor, what connection
does the evil Shredder

- have to today's sh**ting?
- I'm not sure what you mean.

There was a single suspect who
later turned the g*n on himself.

Mm-hmm. Is it time to bring
in some new crime fighters?

I'm afraid we don't have the budget
for additional law enforcement.

I specifically meant the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I assume that's a private
security company?

More g*ns on the streets
aren't the answer.

They don't use g*ns,
they use katanas, bo staffs,

nunchucks, and fork-like
weapons called sais,

which were popularized by
Frank Miller's "Electra" comics.

- What are you wearing?
- Standard issue reporter jumpsuit.

Dude, let her wear it.

You're asking if the City of
Houston should hire ninjas?

Yeah, they mostly work for pizza.

Miss O'Neil, what are you
credentials exactly?

I am a ravishing reporter,
and sometimes a trained ninja,

- depending on which timeline we're in.
- Uh, who's next? You.

J. Jonah Jameson, "Daily Bugle."

I demand you arrest Spider-Man!
He's a menace!

May I present to you
the ninth wonder of the world ...

the only flying elephant ... Dumbo!

[Crows laughing]

Did you ever see an elephant fly?

- I've seen a horse-fly.
- I've seen a dragonfly.

I've seen a house fly.

I've seen a man eat his own butt!

Oh, what, we're not
sharing anymore?

Angela?

Slender Man, I knew
you'd find me one day.

I drew your picture
all over my Trapper Keeper.

I need you to do things, Angela.

Anything for you, o Slender Man.

You know that little bitch
in your math class ... Nicole?!

Yes, I hate her!
What do you want me to do,

s*ab her, burn her ... what?

- Invite her to your birthday party.
- Um, what? Why?

It's time you two
settled your differences.

- Be the bigger person.
- But I hate her!

Don't [bleep] argue with me, Angela!
I'm [bleep] Slender Man!

Okay, okay.

- I need you to do something else.
- Anything!

Try to study an extra
minutes a day.

I think you'll see a marked
improvement in your grades.

- Uh...
- You said you'd do anything for Slender Man!

Is minutes a day
too [bleep] much to ask,

or should I go and ask
that bitch Nicole?!

- No, no, I'll do it!
- Now I must go...

[Whooshing]

- Uh, hi, Nicole.
- Happy birthday, Angela.

I'm so glad you invited
me to your party.

Angela! [screams]
I need you to do something for me.

- More caky for Slendy?
- Ugh! Never meet your heroes!

Dear diary.
I wonder what I look like.

Am I beautiful?
Am I ugly?

Will I ever know love?

Why won't Kevin look at me?

Uh! What does the surgeon
general know.

He's probably full of sh*t!

_
[music]

Parker, never come in here
without new Spider-Man photos!

I need more, more, more!

- I've got one right here, Mr. Jameson!
- Gimme that!

Get out! You have more?
Get out!

[music]

True love ... so pure, so secret.

Will I ever really know you,
my Spider-Man?

Honey, listen, I love that
we work together at the CIA,

but you have to tell me when
you come home early. [clatter]

What's going on?

Baby, this guy is a Russian agent

who had plastic surgery
to take my place.

- Just sh**t him!
- No, baby, he is the Russian agent!

There's only one way to be sure.

I'm gonna ask you a question
that only my husband would know.

What's my favorite TV show.

Oh, I know, uh, "American Pickers."

- "Price is Right"?
- Okay, strike that.

When's my birthday?

- I should know that.
- I should know that, too.

Uh, fine, whatever!
Okay, quick, what do I like most in bed?

- Oh, uh ... is it butt stuff?
- Oh, when I come first!

Screw it.
[g*nshots]

So you see it was not a stone
that made the soup,

it was all of you
contributing ingredients.

And it was a huge shocker
that none of you,

not a single one figured it out.

[blows landing]

Never speak a word about
this communal embarrassment.

- Agreed?
- All: Agreed!

You have had an interesting week.

Your mother said the EMTs
were called to your house.

- [sighs] Yes.
- And they had to use the jaws of life.

I do not know because
I was unconscious.

- Because your penis was...
- Stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

- Because...
- Ugh...

I wanted to see what it was like
to get a BJ from a Transformer.

Before you say anything,
it's less weird than you think

because Transformers have gender,

and some of the character
designs are really sexy.

And also on a tangential note,

vacuum cleaners really need
a dead man's switch,

like lawn mowers for obvious reasons.

Okay. There's nothing wrong
with having a rich fantasy life.

But when an individual
can't discern imagination

- from reality...
- Agh!

- What's wrong?
- There's a yellow-eyed,

gray-skinned, big, fat dead
circus freak in the closet!

Sounds like my mother-in-law.

Ha, I'm just kidding.
Her eyes are hazel.

But let's get back to these
worrisome delusions about pop culture.

- Hello, sailor.
- Oh, my gosh!

It's Aubrey Plaza from
"Parks and Recreation,"

popularly shortened to "Parks and Rec."

And when I say popularly,
that is a relative term,

because, boy, were
your ratings terrible.

- No offense.
- Shh. It's me ... your old pal Lenny.

Is Nick Offerman really earthy?

He seems really earthy...
He loves woodworking...

The man's a treasure, but damn
it, kid, this is "Legion" on FX.

Didn't the hog-beast
in the closet tip you off?

Wait, Chris Christie is on "Legion"?

Listen, you have hidden powers!

- You can alter time and space.
- I can?!

And once we team up,
the two of us will...

Aagh! Oh, sh*t!
Forget it, he's gone.

He's a teenage boy
with the powers of a god.

He could be on Jupiter
for all we know.

He could be anywhere,
doing anything!

What are you doing
with my vacuum cleaner?!

Nothing, Mom! Gosh!

Oh, it looked like
your penis was in it!

- I'm ... I'm burning toast.
- Phew!

Called upon the fight
the Decepticons once again,

Autobots transform and suck the...

Aaagh!

[Screaming continues]

[Screaming stops,
vacuum motor whirring]