09x16 - He's Not Even Aiming the ... at the Toilet

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

Throw me the idol,
I throw you the whip.

Do not throw me your d*ck!

I'm not throwing you my d*ck.

You said, "Throw me the idol,
I throw you my d*ck."

I said I throw you the whip.
Whip! Not d*ck.

My bad.
Now it makes sense.

Adios, Señor.
But before I go...

[Zipping, whiffle!]

Grab it firmly!
Swing across!

I'm just gonna jump.
And congrats, by the way.

[Grunting]

Who are you?

Call me... Daredevil!
Aah!

- Oh, no!
- That's the last we've seen of him.

[Chuckles]
Smuggling illegal, bad dr*gs

has never been easier now
that Daredevil's not around.

[Music]

Who is that?!

It's Daredevil!

And...Daredevil?

You can call me...
Double Daredevil!

- They're working together!
- Physical challenge!

I-I don't know
which one to punch.

Wrong choice, scum!

Announcer: "Double Daredevil,"
this Fall on Netflix...

'cause we'll green light anything.

- You'll be okay, Father?
- No, Jyn. I'm done for.

But tell the Rebels I designed
a flaw in the Death Star,

an exhaust port leading
straight to the reactor.

Ugh.

Father, I swear you haven't
d*ed in vain.

The Rebels will know!

Also, if you flush every toilet
on the "C" deck

at the same time,
the bathrooms on the "D" deck

will explode!
Ugh.

Sure, I'll tell them that, too, I guess.

Also, once every hours
in the main conference room,

a recording
of a fart noise will play.

The Rebellion doesn't need
to know that, Jyn,

but imagine those meetings.
[Chuckles]

Ugh!

I will imagine it, Father, I swear!

It's a recording
of my own farts. Ugh.

Also, if you set up
a trash compactor to delicate,

the Death Star will ... Ugh.

The Rebellion will know, Father!

We done?
Better make sure.

[Grinding]
Man: The trash compactors.

Someone's messing
with the teacups.

[Disco playing]

What the [bleep] ?

That was good sex,
Leslie, bleh.

Uh, Leslie!

Babe, you would not believe
the day I just had.

Hey, psst, I will call you.

[ -bit music]
It's-a me, Mario!

Let's-a take-a
your driver test!

Where are we?

Is that a gorilla
driving a go-kart?

This wasn't on the written test.

[Beeping]

Floor it!
Mama mia!

[Music]

Someone just threw a [bleep]
Komodo dragon at me!

- I am leaving!
- If-a you leave, no license.

[Engine revs]
Buckle up, meatball.

I am not gonna let some
gorilla or talking mushroom

keep me from driving to
Raging Waters this weekend.

I have a $ coupon.

Okay.

Choke on this, ape taint!

Eh, you're making the mark.

[Laughs]

- Death to Bowser.
- I did it!

- License, here I come!
- Uh-oh!

You forget-a to signal
when you make-a the left turn.

- Hit start to try again.
- Ew.

[Horn honking]

Welcome home, Daddy Pig.

Hello, Mummy Pig.
Hello, Peppa.

Hello, George.
Bad news.

[Snorts]
I've been made redundant.

What's that mean, Daddy?

Well, Peppa, that's
the pretentious British way

of saying [snort] I got fired.

Oh, no, Daddy Pig.
[Snorts] Why?

Because of this damn Brexit.

My company has lost far
too many [snort] pounds.

Oh, it's too bad you haven't
lost more pounds, Daddy.

You've got a very big tummy.

[Laughs]
Peppa! [Snorts]

Your jokes at my expense
are the only thing keeping me

from jumping out
of [snort] the window.

[Doorbell rings]

- Hello, Peppa.
- Malika Meerkat and Randall Rhino?

What are you doing here?

We've come to say
goodbye, Peppa.

Since Brexit inflamed
anti-immigrant hate crimes,

my Muslim family
doesn't feel safe anymore.

And I'm getting deported
back to Aleppo.

They'll remove my woman hands,
for they have touched a book.

[Voice breaking] D-Daddy!
Why is this happening?

Because, Peppa, [snort]
right-wing voters

- around the world are acting like ...
- Dinosaur!

Not now, George. [Snorts]
Like, I was saying,

most politicians
are afraid of progress,

so they're stuck
in the past like ...

- Dinosaur!
- Not now, George.

[Snort] Anyway, if we let these
greedy pigs control our world,

- we'll all end up like ...
- Dinosaur!

Yes, George, we see
you've got a dinosaur.

[Snorts] Well, since I can no
longer bring home the bacon,

[chuckles]
these will have to do.

[Sizzle]

- Daddy Pig, did you just pull off your ears?
- Whaaat?! [Laughter]

Announcer: This week on "Shark t*nk,"

a new investor joins the Sharks.

An actual mother [bleep]
shark t*nk.

Ooh, I got million clams
and an itchy trigger finger!

Get at me!

Well, I've invented a chair
that runs on clean coal.

Okay, my first concern ...

[Engine revving]
$ million for %!

Can't stop or I die!
Shark t*nk!

[Bells tolling and cheering]

So, Robin Hood wed Maid Marian,

and good King Richard
returned to his throne,

and the evil King John
went to prison. The end.

Oh, but, sir,
what happens next?

Well, I have a warm dinner
waiting for me at home,

but since you asked,

Richard immediately
forgave his brother John

- and named him heir to the throne.
- What?!

And Richard love fighting wars,
so he left John in charge.

But John is evil!

That was the whole problem
in the first place!

Then while laying siege
to a castle,

Richard walked around without
armor like a true assh*le.

- Good King Richard d*ed?!
- Not right away.

You see, his surgeon
was a real numb nuts

- and the wound got gangrene.
- Yah!

Richard's last act was
to forgive the enemy soldier

- who sh*t him, as he was just a boy.
- How noble.

Yeah, but the second Richard d*ed,

his soldiers flayed the kid
alive and hung him.

Oh, my God!

Anyway, blah blah blah,
Magna Carta,

then John got dysentery,
which is a good way to die

if you enjoy sh1tting blood.

[Fart and squelch]
[Gasps]

Any other horrible facts you
want to ruin my childhood with?

Every ounce of chocolate
contains up to spider pods.

- That's something to sleep on.
- I hate you.

Welcome, everyone, to the screening
of "The Last Airbender."

Here I am, Roger Ebert, about
to review yet another movie

based on a [bleep] cartoon.

And four nations once
lived in harmony

when the elements of Earth,
fire, water, and air,

- were mastered by those who ...
- And it already sucks.

Maybe I can fall asleep
with my eyes open.

Worth a try...
[Snoring]

- Man, Ebert loves this movie!
- Yah!

This -D looks like -D
even in -D.

- Who are you, stranger?
- I'm Roger Ebert.

I'm dreaming I'm
in this terrible movie.

You should not be here
if you have no power.

Power? I won a Pulitzer Prize
for criticism!

That's the ultimate power!

Are we fighting or just jerking off?

I'm fine with either one,
but let's just decide.

If we are to defeat Fire Lord Ozai,

you must use this criticism power.

Oh, that will not be a problem.

Your acting is so wooden,

the blue fairy
turned you into a real boy.

These special effects are
neither special nor effective.

This dialogue's duller
than a mayonnaise sandwich.

Thumbs down.
Thumbs down.

Thumbs up.
Thumbs way down.

Oh, stranger!
You did it!

This movie was the worst
experience of my life,

and I live in Chicago.

[Gasps]
I give it half a star.

Half a star?
It cost $ million!

Well, in that case, thumbs down!

[Groovy music]

Mom-ugh! I can't help
what my body feels!

Just let me be me-ugh!

Young lady, don't you talk to me
about gender identity.

Here in Jurassic Park, we're all female,

so you go put on your skirt and ...
[Pop!] [Gasps]

Are you happy now?
I just grew a penis!

Life found a way!

[Shouting in foreign language]

Ugh!

A Rolex?

You guys!
[Laughter]

I told you I didn't want
a retirement party!

Well, too bad.

We want you to know how
much you mean to all of us.

And don't forget
your other presents.

Oh, you really shouldn't have.

Guys, I ...
I don't know what to say.

Well, you can just say

you're ready to party
with the boys one last time!

Candy, get out here!

[Techno music]

Announcer: Do you want to see
"Hamilton" on Broadway,

but can't afford tickets?

Then come see Off-Off
Broadway's "Hammilton!"

It's pretty much exactly
the same thing!

♪ How does a piggy wiggy
trying to make it biggy ♪

♪ make a name for himself
in the big, bright city? ♪

♪ So many other piggies
all over this town ♪

♪ just trying to build a house
a wolf can't blow down. ♪

♪ Should I build a house out
of straw, sticks, or bricks? ♪

♪ There's so many wolves
out there trying to be slick. ♪

♪ My name is Wolfie Wolf
McGrabby Wolf. ♪

All: ♪ That name, again, is Wolfie Wolf
McGrabby Wolf ♪

Announcer: Yes, come see the
show the New York Times is calling

"I left after the first three minutes.

It's just a hip-hop
'Three Little Pigs'

with an extra 'M' in 'Hamilton.'"

♪ I am not gonna
bluff my puff ♪

♪ I am not gonna
bluff my puff ♪

♪ I'm a wolf,
and I'm rough and tough ♪

♪ Lin-Manuel Miranda may or may
not have wrote this stuff ♪

You better hurry,
because almost all our tickets

are still available
for the show Time Out raves,

"It is definitely not
written by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

And one of the songs is straight
up just the nursery rhyme."

♪ Little pig, little pig,
let me in. ♪

♪ Oh, not by the hair
on my chinny chin chin. ♪

♪ Then I'll huff, and I'll puff,
and I'll blow your house in ♪

♪ He's gonna huff and-ah puff
and-ah blow our house in. ♪

♪ Hamilton, Hamilton,
Hamilton, Hamilton ♪

♪ Hamilton, Hamilton,
Hamilton, Hamilton ♪

Announcer: Yes, it's the one
and only original "Hammilton,"

the show that made
the Associated Press gush,

"Just because they say
'Hamilton' in every song

times, be warned,
this show is not 'Hamilton.'"

So, don't wait.
Go to HammiltonTheMusical.biz

to order your tickets
to the Toni Award-winning

best musical, which our
lawyers wanted us to clarify

was given by an audience
member named Toni with an "I,"

and we'll see you on Broadway...

and nd, which is where you'll
need to catch the th to Queens

transfer to the M bus line

Tuesdays and Thursdays,
D bus all other days,

to reach the second
basement of the abandoned

All Saints Church
across from the Mattress Hub

at st Street and Lexington.

Please print out tickets
as we do not scan

iPhones or printed tickets.

Recording of any kind is not
allowed and could spook the pig.