09x18 - No Wait He Has a Cane

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Title music]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

I thought Greg said
he was coming to the party.

Hey, speak of the devil,
did you just get here?

Nope, been here
for a few hours.

Eric and Diane were still setting up.
So embarrassing.

Oh, sorry, I was talking to Greg.

Oh, this happens to me a lot.

[Grumbles]

- So, you got any coke?
- Yeah, we're gonna go over there now.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cool, cool, cool.

Any good Pokémon around here?

Woman: Speak of the devil,
you look great.

Thanks. I got a treadmill desk.

God! Nobody's talking
to you! Jesus!

- You mean me?
- No!

- Got any coke?
- Got any coke?

- Oh, man.
- Oh, man.

Driving west, eh?

- Excuse me?
- Your suntan.

Looks like the sun's
always been to your left.

What's the most you've ever lost
on a coin toss? [tense music]

Heads, you win.
Tails, you die.

It's illegal to deface currency.

The coin will now decide your fate.

- Heads.
- You don't call it.

I said it's heads, you win,
tails, you die.

- Tails, then.
- Why would you even pick

- the "tails, you die" side?
- Let's say it's tails, you win.

No, I've already
defaced the tails side.

Why not cross out the head side?
The head's your victim,

and you're gonna cross him out,
you see?

I-I'm just gonna
toss the coin now.

God ... Ah. Wait.

Ah!

I guess it was tails after all.

[Telephone ringing]

- Hello?
- Eight days... a week.

It was some dude doing
kind of a British accent.

[Growling]
Whoa! Whoa! What is that?!

- It's me, Ringo Starr.
- Ringo? Oh, I get it.

You came out of the TV like
"The Ring," but you're Ringo.

g*dd*mn it, are we in
a "Robot Chicken" sketch?

What?
No, it's really me, Ringo,

and I've come to k*ll you
with my drumsticks,

'cause I play drums for The Beatles.

I heard on a podcast that
the "Robot Chicken" director,

Tom Sheppard, thinks
he does a spot-on Ringo.

Maybe he forced it into an episode.
Tom's a great guy.

He drives a sweet brown Porsche,
but that's not me. I'm Ringo.

- What songs did you write?
- Just off the top of me noggin,

there's "Hey Hey We're The Beatles."

- Monkees.
- Oh, well, uh, I definitely wrote "MMMBop."

♪ MMMBop, we're The Beatles ♪

♪ MMMBop,
we're The Beatles ♪

- No.
- Hey, I know a fun game.

Who wants to lend Tom
some bail money?

His sister k*lled a guy.

[Music playing]
Tyler: Ah, yeah.

Grandma: Tyler, what's
going on in there?

Nothing, Grandma!
I'll be out in a minute!

Yeah...

- Tyler, are you ... Aah!
- Get out, get out!

[Both scream]

Sinner! Get out of my house,
and don't come Bach!

Classical music pun.
Wink.

Today, we're surprising
supervillain Mister Sinister

to take his style
into the st Century.

Why am I here?
I look good.

Well, you've been nominated
by your best friend,

who thinks your wardrobe
was assembled

by a vengeful blind monkey.

He's been wearing the
same thing since the ' s.

Culture Club is over,
Karma Chameleon.

Isn't your costume
from ancient Egypt?

It's vintage!

What's the story with the cape?

Is it a sad story?
It feels like a sad story.

It's got a real
car-washy vibe, you know?

And later, Mister Sinister

debuts his new look
to some old friends.

OMG, hot dad alert.

I am programmed
to f*ck hot dads!

[Whirring up]
Uh, someone want to unplug that thing?

- f*cking run!
- Aah!

Papa, I don't want to k*ll nothing.

I ain't gonna hear no more
of this sissy talk.

You are a cake hunter
like your pappy

and your grandpappy before you,

and that there is a four-tier beaut.
Take the sh*t.

This is "Cake Hunters."

[g*nsh*t]

Hoo-whee! First try.

Oh, my God.
She was a mother!

Oh, yeah, looks like we got
ourselves dessert for a week.

- Oh, no, they're just babies!
- f*ck. She's still alive.

[Cake roaring]

[Screaming]

- Lava cake!
- It's k*ll or be k*lled, son!

Oh, it's red velvet.
So moist.

It's such a beautiful cake.

Aw, I just wanted
a tower of MoonPies.

[Cake roaring]
[Screaming]

Oh, no! It's the papa cake,
and he's mad as hell!

f*cking run!

Jon, I think I see the White
Walkers in the distance.

Worse. White Joggers.

- White Joggers?
- Aye.

They run in packs,
or what they call pace groups.

- But don't they get thirsty?
- They've set up water stations

along the way with energy
drinks for electrolytes.

- How do they keep going?
- Most of it's mental, Sam.

That's why they scatter
bands and cheerleaders

to keep their spirits up.

How can we ever win
against any of them?

We have to run, Sam.
Daily runs.

But then also, once a week,
we should try to run, like,

oh, miles and increase our
long runs by miles each week,

and then and only then
do we stand a chance

of placing in the top-
of our age group.

Will you train with me, Sam?

Oh, no, that sounds hard.
I'm gonna go be fat downstairs.

[Laughs]

[Shrieking]

Is this why they say don't put
all your eggs into one basket?

This is why they say don't steal
eggs from Satan's chicken coop.

[Trilling]
[Screaming]

Welcome back to "Pictionary."

Mary and Bronson Pinchot just
scored big on the word "banana"

with some hilarious guesses
we may have to bleep.

Next up is Bob with one of those
Septapod aliens from "Arrival."

- Hi.
- Here's your word.

[splurt]

- Circle!
- No, it's not circle.

Uh, ring!
No, the letter "O"!

Balls! Is it a ball?

- It's not a ball.
- Uh, apple?

The sun? A hula hoop?
No, uh, ball.

Oh, I already said ball.
Why couldn't I get Erik Estrada?

Time's up.
The word was "dog."

Oh, you suck.

Next up is a good friend of mine.

Doesn't get out much.
Very pale. [Chuckles]

Give it up for The Joker.

[Cackles]

Thanks, Dom Irrera.
What a great crowd.

Hey, what's the deal
with airline peanuts.

Are they airlines or peanuts?

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, am I right?

[Laughs]

Hey, you ever had a bad date?
My worst date is April th.

Tax day!

[Cackling]

Uh...
[Sighs]

I think I'm going to
cut my time short, folks.

I can't give you what you want.
I can't make you laugh

because I'm not funny.

Sure, I-I tell jokes all the time,
"Joker here!" and all that.

But the jokes are a way
to distract myself

from the pain I feel,
the look in someone's eyes

when I'm about
to end them, you know?

You know that look.
It's not fear. It's sorrow ...

sorrow that they'll never
hug their kids again

or see another sunrise.

You can't have someone look at
you like that and not feel it.

So when that time comes,

I start joking about whatever
I can think of, funny or not,

because if I'm laughing,

I can't hear myself crying.

[Crying]

- Oh, wow.
- Wow.

Time's up, Joker!

[Screaming]

Tip your waiters!

[Pop music playing]
Oh, my God. I love this.

- [Music shuts off] Aw!
- What the f*ck?

Girls, every time I'm on carpool
duty, we listen to your tunes.

Dad, don't embarrass me
in front of my friends.

This week, I'm gonna introduce
you to an old buddy of mine

by the name of Bob Dylan.

[Man mumbling indistinctly]
[Girls groaning]

This is t*rture!
Sorry. I can't do this.

[Horns honking, tires screeching]

- Breanne just k*lled herself!
- Dad, please change it.

In the ' s, this was
revolutionary stuff.

See you on the flip, bitch.

[Man continues mumbling
indistinctly]

[Whistles]

Steffy just jumped
into that truck!

I think she's selling
her body for a ride!

Some say Dylan was
the original rapper.

- No, they don't!
- I wish I was stronger.

Raina!

Freedom!
[Eagle screeches]

Dad, Raina just got
carried off by an eagle!

You're ruining my life!

When Dylan went electric, people
said he was ruining his life.

- Instead, he's bigger than ever.
- You made me do this.

Whoa!
[Screaming]

[Mumbling]
I normally don't play funerals,

but I-I heard Carly was a fan, so...

- ♪ Oh, so sad ♪
- [Muffled yell] No, I'm not!!

[Muffled screaming]

Grizzlor, come in!

You are the centerpiece
of my next great scheme.

[Sighs]
[Laughs]

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
- f*ck.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
This is gonna be so good!

Check it out. Step one ...
we reduce you with the shrink ray.

Two ... you infiltrate Castle
Grayskull, and you shave off

He-Man's pubic hair while he sleeps,

then toss it out the window to me.

Three, I cast an evil spell
on He-Man's shaved pubes

while you pose as his pubic toupee.
[Laughs]

A merkin, it's called in show biz.

- Okay, I want to hit pause right there...
- Then we pull a switcheroo!

Glue the magic pubes
back on, and viola!

I think it's pronounced "voilá."

When I play this
enchanted trombone,

his pubes will explode
and blow his nuts right off!

[Laughs]

Oh, this year's jazz night
at Castle Grayskull

is going to be very memorable, indeed.

[Cackles]

I want to go on record ...
I hate this plan.

But you'll make the Snake
Mountain Wall of Fame for sure.

Who the f*ck is that kid?!
Oh, photo that came with the frame.

It's a good-looking kid, though.

[dramatic music]

[slow fiddling]

[High-pitched]
Skeletor, I made the switch!

Why are you shaved into a heart?

I had to match
what was already there.

Trust me, I learned way more
about He-Man than I wanted to.

[Laughs]

Goodbye, He-Man's balls.

[Inhales deeply]

[Trombone blaring]

Oh, no, my d*ck!

[Gasping, grunting]

- Ow! Ow!
- Not totally what I was going for,

but based on how my plans
usually fall apart,

I'm gonna call third-degree burns
on He-Man's schvonce a win.

It is good to be back.

Grizzlor, uh, what the hell
is moving around in your fur?

Oh, sick! I must've caught crabs
from He-Man's bush,

- and the growth potion made them huge.
- Stop f*cking narrating

and get these crotch lobsters off me!

Aah! Someone get water!
[Yelling indistinctly]

[Laughs] This was
a pretty baller jazz night.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk,
ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.