09x19 - Hi

[bunniefuu]

[Whirring]
[Theme music plays]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!

[Thunder rumbles]

And spli-i-i-t.
Ah!

This is gonna make a fantastic

commercial, Jean-Claude.

- Just hold that pose.
- I can do this all day.

My pubic muscles,
they are strong.

- What the ... Ohhh!
- What the hell was that giraffe

- doing there?! Are you okay?!
- I am a professional.

Ahh! My testes!

Are you driving through
a zoo of only giraffe?

Ahh. Whuh! Aaaah!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- Call the paramedics!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Agggh! Who knew
it would be giraffes,

what defeated Jean-Claude?

[Thud-thud]

Stop, stop! Eh!

[Splat!]

[Muffled scream]

- Let me down!
- Orrrrrh!

Yeeerahhhhvvv!

Ohhhhhhh!

[Tranquil tune plays]
Volvo.

Are you ready to face judgment

for your crimes,
Funko S*ddam Hussein?

You are cowards!
It is you who will be punished!

[Spits]
Die, then.

Oh-oh! Ah!
[Laughing]

How could we not have
known this would happen?

You're stupid!

_
[Jaunty tune plays]

[Warbling]

[Laughing]

[Glass breaks]

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha!

[Speaking Japanese]

[Giggling]

Hey, Kim. What's the
capital of Montana?

I...don't know.

You got slimed because [laughs]
you said, "I don't know!"

Aah!
Oh!

[Laughter]
[Machine g*n fire]

Nobody move. The two girls,
they're coming with us.

- Oh!
- Where's the other one?

I don't know.

Aah!
What is it?!

[crying]
Dad, I am really scared.

Honey, you're going to be taken.

Leave the phone and tell me
everything you see.

- Agh-agh!
- Aaaaah!

[Breathing heavily, sniffing]

Listen to me closely.
I don't know who you ...

Agh! Blech!

Anyway, as I was saying ...
I don't know who you ...

Agh! g*dd*mn it!

- Where's that coming from?!
- Where is what coming from?

Slime! It seems like
it's right above me,

but I-I don't know ...

Aw, come on!

Listen closely:
I don't know who you are,

and I don't know what you wa...
Aaaah!

[Muffled mumbling]

Sli-i-me! Agh!

Anyway, I don't have
ransom money.

But what I do have is a very
particular set of skills

and, as of very recently,
a sh*t ton of slime, so,

you know,
what's your your call?

Hmm. I don't know.

Oh! Okay, yeah.
The slime thing is really a bitch.

Oh, it's crazy, right?
Oh, I wish I had some water.

Agh!

Oh, my hardwood floor's
going to warp!

Property value has been taken!

[Ominous chord strikes]

Okay, Miss, I-I'll surely
send you that picture.

Bye-bye, now.
[Beep]

Ooh, yeah.
[laughing]

Oh, Jiminy Cricket,
haven't seen you in ages!

Well, you're , Pinocchio,

and you've been a good boy.
Until now.

You were about to send
a photograph

of your woodie
to a girl on Bumble.

But, Jiminy, that's how
everyone is dating these days.

Look, there's , girls
in a mile radius

that are DTF right now.

The Internet's the new
carnival full of temptation,

but anytime you need my help,
just blow this air horn.

- What, like this? Baa, baa, baa!
- That's it!

♪ Before you snap a picture
of your penis and upload ♪

♪ Give a tiny [toot] ♪

♪ Before a ho you don't know
gives your pic a low blow ♪

♪ Give a little [toot] ♪

♪ If a lady you romance
drops her pants and is a man ♪

♪ Give me the double
[toot-toot] ♪

♪ And I'll come soon as I can ♪

♪ Yes, if a weirdo dude
on Craigslist ♪

♪ Wants a new sex toy ♪

♪ Blast a triple
[toot-toot-toot] ♪

♪ And always let good
judgment be your boy ♪

Thanks for reminding me
to be the best I can be!

Well, that's what
I'm here for, Pinoc.

Take care!
[Blast-blast-blast]

- Oh! Hello, Jiminy.
- What the...?

I just left two seconds ago!

I need your help, Jiminy.
Can I borrow... $ , ?

I'll bet you some strangers
took your friend Will.

Betcha he's upside down, sucking
all the stranger's things.

You're dead, Wheeler!

[All gasp]
I-I can't move my body.

Aaah! Ahhh!

- Dude, Troy's peeing his pants!
- Eleven, what are you doing?

[Laughter]

Dude, look at his tattoo!
It says "The Holocaust isn't real".

What?
I don't have a tattoo.

[Sinister music plays]
Oh!

Mom?!
How did you get here?

Whoa-oa! Why am I
dancing like a stripper?

Dude, Troy's mom
is working the pole.

Okay, Eleven.
[Resonating]

Oh! Oh, my God.
Troy! Is that you?!

We're Amanda and Julian,
your birth parents.

- I'm adopted?!
- I didn't want you

- Yeah-eah!
- to find out this way!

- Okay, Eleven, stop!
- Why are all these donkeys here?

- Dude, all the donkeys have boners!
- Eleven!

Uh-oh! This calls
for Wonder Woman!

Cindy, what the hell
are you doing?

Ha ha! I'm so [bleep]
wasted right now!

[Vomits]
Ohh!

I want a golden goose,
okay? How much?

President Tr*mp,
they're not for sale.

[Whimsical music]
But I want one! Now!

♪ I want a Tr*mp goose
as my new White House pet ♪

[Screeching]
Anything you say, sir.

♪ The new national bird ♪

♪ Just say the word ♪

♪ And have you heard? ♪

♪ I want a wall! ♪

- Tr*mp Tower has walls.
- ♪ I want a border wall ♪

Oh, no, not this again.

♪ Cement and a line
of barbed wire ♪

♪ They can't climb to keep out
that brown crime today ♪

[Music continues]

♪ I want a ban ♪

♪ I want a travel ban ♪

♪ No one but nice whites
arriving on safe flights ♪

♪ If your skin's light,
you'll have rights ♪

♪ Gimme it all today ♪

♪ I want the Earth! ♪
[Thudding]

♪ We'll call it Tr*mp's Earth ♪

♪ We'll make so much profit,
it will make you vomit ♪

♪ If things go south,
I'll b*mb it ♪

♪ I wanna have it ♪

♪ Like [bleep] I'll grab it ♪
[Squeak-squeak]

♪ And then I will s*ab it ♪
[Wails] ♪ Today ♪

Mr. President, be careful.

People are looking for
a reason to get rid of you.

[Laughs]
♪ It won't be today! ♪

♪ It won't be tomorrow ♪

♪ If I get att*cked,
I'll tweet things to distract ♪

♪ Won't matter if they are fact ♪

- ♪ I'm President, wow ♪
- Agh!

♪ No one knows how ♪

[whispering]
♪ It's thanks to Moscow ♪

♪ But I'm making a vow ♪

♪ And I'm taking it all
right now ♪

♪ I mean, today ♪

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- I did it! Ha ha!

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- I finally stood up to him!

[Toot-toot]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Anything to add, Vlad?

- Give me goose, or I poison you.
- Ooh!

[Urinating in spurts]

Hey, bro,
can I have your d*ck?

It happens every season on "Robot
Chicken" and never wears thin:

the writers make unwanted cameos,

the show is cancelled, and
college dropouts everywhere

finish their blunts and return
to their Cool Ranch Doritos

and POV p*rn.

But, this time, the rambunctious

[g*nshots]
tycoon president of Adult Swim,

home of hit shows,
such as "Family Guy" reruns

and "BoJack Horseman," has
thrown down a shocking, well ...

[Cackling]
Yee-haw!

I'll renew "Robot Chicken" for
another season, if, and only if,

they can jump a motorcycle
over the Grand Canyon!

[Cackling]

Good luck with that, boys!

And the big day has finally arrived.

Now, let's find out which
brave soul will undertake

the death-defying jump
to save Finland's

second-favorite -minute
stop-motion program.

[Poignant tune plays]
[Thumping]

Wait!
[Needle scratches record]

[Grunting]

Enhh!
[panting]

[Whoosh]

[Triumphant music plays]
Like it or not, I best represent

our target audience.

It's true. You should ...

You should stop lying to yourself.

And this is my one sh*t at glory
in a lifetime of disappointment.

I ... I will jump
the Springfield Gorge.

I mean, the Grand Canyon!

Yeah, whoo-hoo-hoo!

Ooh!
Sorry, Mom's washing machine.

Looks like there's a new
vibrating girlfriend in my life.

[Clucking]
You got it, Chicken.

Let's see.
I watched a YouTube video

about how motorcycles worked,
but then I got distracted

by POV tentacle p*rn, so I don't re...

- [Engine revving] Aah!
- There he goes! Wait.

Did he say something
about tentacle p*rn?

Oh, my gosh!
I'm gonna be famous!

[Suspenseful music]

[Whirs]

I had the power inside me
the whole time!

Oh, ye-e-e-eah,

bo-o-o-y!

The girls at school
are gonna think I rule!

Air splits!

[All gasp]

Headstand!

[Flapping]

Don't we go to school
with that guy?

Uh, gross. His penis looks
like a fleshy croissant.

- Um, it's kwah-sahn.
- Ugh. Whatever.

Guys, [bleep] this. Let's go sit
on the washing machine.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

All: Foursome!

[Music]

[Tires screech]

He did it! He did it!
"Robot Chicken" is renewed!

I did it...
[expl*si*n]

[Clatter]

[Flames crackling]

[Whirring]

[Sharp cry]

[Clanking]

[Screeching]

[Melancholy tune plays]

[sobbing] I can't believe
our little boy is gone!

Oh! [gasp]

But I'm happy to see
he had so many dear friends.

Uh, no, this is the funeral for the
taco-truck guy your son m*rder*d.

The funeral for your kid
is over there.

[Thudding]

We should've sprung
for a coffin, huh?

- Probably.
- A season finale with a motorcycle?

I invented that. I'm head
writer Douglas Goldstein.

I see you're down a child.

- I can help you with that.
- I'm in mourning.

And well past menopause, but...

- Okay! Whoo!
- Honey, what are you...?

[Engine revving]

How rude!

Wait! There's no road!

Where we're going,
we don't need roads.

Oh, God!
We needed roads!

[expl*si*n, glass shattering]

[Metal spinning, clattering]

We should really fire that guy.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.