10x00 - The Bleepin' Robot Chicken Archie Comics Special

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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10x00 - The Bleepin' Robot Chicken Archie Comics Special

Post by bunniefuu »

♪♪

♪ Archie ♪
♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪


♪ And Robot Chicken, yeah ♪

♪ The combo you've
been waiting for ♪


♪ Jughead ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ Oh, Betty, Ronnie ♪

♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪

♪ Reggie and the other ones ♪

♪ God, there are so many
other ones ♪


ANNOUNCER: It's the "Robot
Chicken Archie comics special."


We've picked up
a distress signal nearby.

- It's coming from that ship.
- It's our duty to investigate.

Josie, we'll be late
for Pluto-chella.

[Giggles] I thought
Nevus-palooza was next.

- That's after burning Mars.
- Did we commit to Uranus aid?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

- We got to fix the laugh track, guys.
- Hello! The distress call.

Speaking of distress,

we forgot to take Sebastian
out of cryo sleep.

Whoo-hoo!

Guide it in the back door,
Alan, gently.

Actually, Josie, it's
the other ship's job to relax.

Thank you very much.

Oh, yeah! Baby!

Say, where's Alan M.?

[Giggles] He said he
spilled a coconut smoothie

on his lap,
and then he fell asleep.

We don't have
coconut smoothies.

Hm, no sign of life.

I guess I can re-route
the auxiliary power

so we can see
their last flight log.

It worked!

Hey, y'all, this is
D.J. from Dujour

coming at you with
the c-c-c-crisis!

Dujour?
I heard their record company

sh*t them into space
after their unique brand

of top h*m*-erotica
fell out of favor.

What do you mean?
"Back door lover" is a classic.

So is "Fisting in the USA."

Yo, what's up with your boy Travis?

Bummer times on our journey.

And we're here with
a wickity wickity warning.

Oh, god.
They're going to sing.

♪♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I'll take you
to the stars inside ♪

♪ But the price is
much too steep ♪

Dujour means may day.

♪ Aboard our ship,
our souls so damned ♪

♪ Lurks a danger known as ♪

- Oooh!
- Dujour!

[Screaming]

Dujour meets death, y'all.

Lee? [chuckles]
They must have said a bad word.

[All screaming]

- Oh, god!
- What the?!

Aah!

Okay, people, we've got just
five minutes for corpse selfies,

and then we're back on the road.

- [Cameras clicking] Okay, big smiles.
- Selfie!

[sighs] Mary, I'm home.

Dinner's cold, but I suppose
you ate at the bar.

Oh, god, I had one beer.

How much sherry did you
pound down making that

two ingredient meat loaf?

Don't raise your voice.
You're scaring little Archie.

Oh, you noticed we had a child?
Now that it's convenient?

I play with him all day long, Fred.
I got bruises on my knees.

I'm on the floor
playing with him so much.

Oh, you've got bruises all right.

[Sobs] From falling down drunk
from sherry, drinking it.

You know what?
I want a divorce.

And I'm taking Archie.
Archie, come to me.

No, I'm the only mother
you'll ever have.

Come to mommy.

- Archie, you love me. Prove it. Choose me!
- No, Archie, come to me!

Choose the one you
love the most.

Don't you [bleep] this up, Archie.

- Come to me!
- Come to me!

[Crying]

Oh, god, oh, god.
What have we done?

I'm so sorry, Archie.

- I'm sorry, Mary.
- Let it be okay.

Oh, god. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Oh, Fred,
we've scarred them for life.

You'll be fine, won't you, son?
You'll... you'll be okay.

You have to choose Archie,
me or Veronica.

Uh, uh, uh...

[sobs]

Uh, what the hell is
wrong with him?

Today is sex education day, class.

The boys are with
Principal Weatherbee,

the poor bastard.
And I'll be teaching you ladies.

This is the vag*na.

[Gasps]

We've lost Miss Cooper.

Any other shrinking violets
ready to tap out?

Excuse me, but shouldn't
we learn about sex

from someone... experienced?

I think what Veronica means is
the modern sexual experience

is likely somewhat different
than what you grew up with.

I'll have you know
I had sex last week.

[all gasp]

[laughing]

[shudders]

[screams]

[shudders]

Team work, boys.
Team work.


Let me juggle them balls.

Yep, that's hot.

Oh, the hell with this.
I wonder how the bee is doing.

Raise your hand
if you've seen p*rn.

It will never be that good.

MAN: Let the first annual
Riverdale pride parade begin.


Pride day!

- We support you!
- Great bravery, Kevin!

Yeah, baby!

MAN: And that concludes
the Riverdale pride parade.


That went so much better

than our black history month
parade, right?

Yeah, a black history parade
with our only black guy

- kind of sucked, Chuck.
- You knew I was out of town.

Miss Spellman!

Are you ready to sign
the book of the beast?!

Mm, I don't know.

This decision will affect
my entire life.

- Do it!
- Do it!

[All clamoring]

Oh...
% interest on a student loan?

That's bull[bleep].

What's up, fart sticks?

It's your boy, the myth,
the legend, the mantle, Reggie.


[Bells ringing]

ANNOUNCER: That's a big boy.

I'm here at
Sweetwater river trail


to show you all the places
I've totally s-s-s-scored!


Like behind that tree
and that smaller tree.


And... what the hell is this?
Is that Jason?


Jason, are you dead, dude?
Oh, man.


Did you pork your sister so
many times you k*ll-basa'd over?


[Ringing]
[laughs]

Incest is hilarious, man.

That's some
"Game of thrones" sh*t.


Well, there you have it,
nug muffins.


All the places I've gone to
Poundtown and a dead body!

Hey, anyone see Principal
Weatherbee come out

of the bathroom with toilet
paper stuck on his shoe?

What a loser.

Don't you mean
poor, old, and fat loser?

That's the loser hat trick.
[laughter]

[Sighs]

♪ Mr. Weatherbee wakes
each day before the sun ♪


Here we go again.

♪ He boils his egg, making sure
the yolk does not run ♪


♪ Or he'll have no fun ♪

[Sighs]

♪ Mr. Weatherbee, he gets
dressed, picking out a tie ♪


Here we go.
You got this.

♪ This he thinks is the way
to catch Miss Grundy's eye ♪


- ♪ But he knows she's rather die ♪
- Piece of sh*t.


♪ He goes to work,
which is a school ♪


♪ So he feels rather caught ♪

♪ Not a man and not a boy ♪

♪ His life is rather fraught ♪

♪ He neither teaches
nor is taught ♪


♪ He'll see Miss Grundy
in the lounge ♪


♪ Sipping her hot tea ♪

♪ If only he were the tea
so in her mouth he'd be ♪


- ♪ Her tongue so slippery ♪
- What are you looking at?


♪ Mr. Weatherbee walks the halls ♪

♪ The kids will ignore him ♪

♪ His loneliness unbearable ♪

♪ This life is wearing thin ♪

♪ Maybe tonight he'll make it end ♪
♪ Oh ♪


♪ The red haired
he hates the most ♪


- ♪ But it's really jealousy ♪
- Archie!


♪ For Weatherbee would like
to be the one ♪


♪ To have Veronica or Betty ♪

♪ Or Veronica and Betty ♪

♪ Their faces practically the same ♪

♪ Differing only by
color of their hair ♪


♪ He imagines their
smooth young bodies ♪


♪ He wishes he were
their underwear ♪


[Bell rings] ♪ Suddenly
the school bell rings ♪


♪ Waking him from his reverie ♪

♪ He looks down
at his open pants ♪


♪ The erection plain to see ♪

♪ They all scream, "look at him!" ♪

♪ The news helicopter overhead
circles endlessly ♪


♪ Gently placed in the police
car is Mr. Weatherbee ♪


My phone.

- ♪ The monster Weatherbee ♪
- Anyone would have done it.


I'm just a man.
I'm just a man.

What's up, taint tubas?

So it turns out the people
aren't huge fans of me


live streaming
dead bodies to children.


I "legally" apologize.

[Ding]

[Horns blowing]
Oh, yeah!


So join me tomorrow
when I'll be taking a dump


in Betty and Veronica's
shoes to see


which one Archie
would rather smell.


Hey, Moose.
Hey, Midge.

- She's mine!
- Aaah!

- Don't ever talk to my Midge!
- Moose! Stop being so jealous.

- Duh...
- Interesting.

"You know who is hot?
Midge from Riverdale.

I want to kiss Midge."

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

My Midge!
Duh, duh, duh, duh.

Duh, duh, duh, duh.

- No!
- Duh, duh, duh!

Duh!

Incredible!

Even the green berets
couldn't cause

- this much damage, Midge.
- Midge?

Aaaah!

- My Midge!
- Incredible!


Well, I'll be damned.
We had coconut smoothies

this whole time.
Ooh!

- Sebastian's done.
- [giggles] Ooh!

That's some hot p*ssy.

[Beeping]

Something's wrong
in the engine room.

- Alex, go check it out.
- Uh, why do I have to go?

Because somebody needs to play

the "checking out
the engine room" song,

- and you're a talentless hack.
- Yeah, got me there.

♪ Engine room, engine room ♪

♪ We sent Alex
to the engine room ♪


♪ He's going to check it out,
that engine room ♪


Guys, I don't see anything.

♪ Keep on checking
that engine room ♪


Who's there?

Aaaah!

- ♪ Engine room ♪
- Aw, you're not dangerous.


You're a friendly little fella.

[Roars]

Although this is unsettling.

♪ Engine room ♪

♪ Everything's fine
in the engine room ♪


- Oh, no!
- ♪ Talking about ♪

- ♪ That engine room, yeah ♪
- Alan! Alexander's dead.

I'm an only child now
with double the inheritance.

- Oh, no.
- Sis, sis...

Why, Alexander?

Whatever k*lled Dujour
is on this ship now.

Whoo!

Lace up your running shoes,
g*ng, because it's time for a...

ALL: Chase montage!

♪ Chase montage,
let's run and run ♪


♪♪

Ooh, escape pod!
Whoo!

♪ Space fromage is
yum, yum, yum ♪


[Screams]

[Beeping]

[Whirring]

♪ Recycled gags will pack our scripts ♪

♪ Hanna-Barbera, the comedy grip ♪

Ow! My tail!

- Valerie, our tails are not real.
- Mine was a butt plug.

- Val!
- Oh!

- No!
- Josie, get back!

Alan, everyone's dead.
What do we do now?

Well, I'm still in the mood
for splitting things in half.

- Huh? Yeah.
- Oh, Alan.

No?

- Hey, girl, when did you get flippers?
- What?

[muffled scream]

[Screams]

Oh, I'm so stressed.
I've got the squirties.

My sister
Polly comes home today.

- Oh, yeah, from the insane asylum.
- We call it the hospital.

But yes, she always
makes life so difficult.

Blam!
Dun-da-na-na!

- Polly Cooper's home, skanks.
- Ugh.

For the purposes of this sketch,

I will be playing
the role of Polly Cooper.

♪ I am Polly Cooper,
I am Polly Cooper ♪

No!
This is confusing.

It doesn't track,
and I don't follow the logic.

Damn! When do we get
a studio audience? Hey!

[Record needle scratches]
What up, sis?!

Polly, hey, welcome home.

Veronica Lodge,
you still got hemorrhoids

from [bleep] all them diamonds?

- Yes.
- [Bleep] head!

- Oh [bleep].
- Can't miss you in a crowd

with a nose like Pinocchio's d*ck.
Nice crown, assh*le!

It's called a whoopy cap!

I'll bust a whoopy cap
in your ass!

Garcon, let me get
a [bleep] milkshake.

Sure thing, Polly.
Cherry on top?

No, thanks.
I'll just use Betty's.

- La-la-la-la!
- Polly, stop it!

Stop hogging it,
you [bleep] virgin! [laughs]

Oh, I love when Polly's home.

Oh, she's just
so exasperating, Archie.

I know how you feel, Betty.

It's probably how I feel
talking about your sister

instead of watching
this John Wick movie.

- Aaah!
- Jesus [bleep]

How many times I got to
tell you, Andrews,

keep your ginger
freckle gutter DNA

- out of our superior gene pool!
- Damn it, Polly!

- [Sobs]
- Yeah!

Go clean the orange pubes
out of your teeth

before mom finds out!

Polly, please be nice to Betty.
She's going through a lot.

Oh [bleep] menopause?

She drank half a rhubarb spritzer
and sent a nude pic to Reggie.

He and the football team
have been slut shaming her.

They been [bleep] what?

[Grunts]

Polly Cooper?! Wha...
This is the boys locker room!

Guess she's a whore
just like her sister.

[Grunting]

My hair!


[bleep]

Aaah!

[Screams]
[Toilet flushes]

Aaah!

Blam! Pow!
Bang! Aah!

[Grunting]

What is going on?!

[Panting]
Oh, you want some of this sh*t?

I didn't see anything, Polly.

We're cool.
It's cool. It's all cool.

Oops.
I got your throat.

Oh, come on, man.
It wasn't personal.

I'm the antagonist, you see?

Without me, nothing would
ever happen at this school.

Damn right. Without you,
this wouldn't happen.

- [Screams]
- [Grunting]

Polly!
You did this for me?

Hot blonde white girls got zero
advantages in life, Betty.

We got to stick together.

- Na-la-la-la-la!
- Get out of there!

[Cheers and applause]
Bravo!

- Encore!
- Bravo! Guys and ladies.

Best "Robot Chicken" special
I've ever seen!

[playing guitar]

♪ Betty Cooper was
my high school sweetheart ♪

♪ She had blue eyes
and hair like gold ♪


♪ But Veronica Lodge
let me have sex with her ♪


♪ And my love for Betty,
it turned cold ♪


♪ Then one day Veronica told me ♪

♪ She was pregnant
and the babe was mine ♪


♪ She said, "let's run off away
together and leave Riverdale" ♪


♪ And all our friends behind ♪

♪ I was scared, sir,
I was just a boy now ♪

♪ I had been a junior
in high school my whole life ♪

♪ I'm not lying or exaggerating
when I say ♪

♪ I've been in high school
for my whole life ♪

♪ I told Veronica,
"hey, we ain't got no money" ♪


♪ She smiled and said,
"that's all right" ♪


♪ My daddy's safe is behind
a painting ♪

♪ We'll take his money
and run away tonight ♪


♪ Well, Mr. Lodge,
he must have heard us ♪


♪ He stood in that doorway
raising hell ♪


♪ I never saw Veronica
raise that shotgun ♪


♪ But I watched
that old man as he fell ♪


♪ She was laughing
like a demon ♪


♪ And a shiver ran up my spine ♪

♪ But we made love
beside her dead father ♪


♪ And together we stepped
across that line ♪


♪ We went on k*lling,
just k*lling and k*lling ♪


♪ Making love in the blood
that we spilled ♪


♪ I sh*t Jughead,
she sh*t hot dog ♪


♪ Not even sh**ting Reggie
left us fulfilled ♪


♪ We blew Moose's head off,
but he was too dumb to notice ♪


♪ But I guess he could
still feel jealousy ♪

♪ So when we set our sights
on his girlfriend ♪

♪ Moose put an end
to our k*lling spree ♪


♪ I don't know what
really drove us ♪


♪ To take all those lives
so carelessly ♪


♪ I'd say keeping someone in
high school forever and ever ♪


♪ Will cause some people
to break down mentally ♪


♪ Now burning
in the fires of hell, lord ♪

♪ And forever will
I scream and cry ♪

♪ But at least
I'm no longer a junior ♪

♪ I finally graduated
from Riverdale High ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Hello, Venus.
Meet my penis.

Let's make our own milky way.

What the hell?
Holy extinction event!

Nerd panic grips Riverdale.

Local white Urkel
spies death from above.


We join his instagram live
already in progress.


There's only moments left
to live, people!


Jack 'em if you got 'em.
This is not a drill!


Back to you in the studio, Jim.

Well, folks, you heard him.

[Screaming]

- Archie!
- Betty!

- Oh, Archie-kins!
- Archie, the world is literally ending.

You need to decide.
Me or Veronica.

Once and for all, pick one of us.

- There's no...
- Veronica.

- [Gasps] What?
- What?

Veronica. I choose Veronica.

Rich, mean, sexy, full bush.
Yeah, final answer.

Veronica.

- What?!
- Yes!

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Aaah!
Do over. Sorry, do over.

I choose Betty.

Wait. Do over.
Cheryl.

[Screams]

Okay, final answer is Betty.
Definitely Betty.

Is your sister home?
No. Betty.

- Bettie.
- I hate you so much.

[g*n cocks] I am not letting
this country down twice.

Never forget!

Oh, sh*t!

[Screaming]

Oh, sh*t, fam.

This is your boy Reg Dog
vlogging an alien invasion.


[Horns honking]

Watch me get an interview
with that flappy bitch.


For science.

- Reggie, no!
- They're dangerous!

Dangerous is my maiden name.

[Grunting]

- Oh!
- [gasps]

The aliens are allergic to Reggie.

- Also R.I.P. Reggie.
- The secret you defeating them

must have something
to do with Reggie.

We're going to need more
brain power to figure this out.

- Dilton!
- Dilton, let us in!

Uh, what?

- Aaah!
- There's coconut smoothie everywhere.

This kid can party.

Grab his microscope, Betty.
He's coming with us.

[Mumbling indistinctly]

Get off my car, you little freaks!

It has more payments on it.
My car! [crash]

♪♪

[Grunts]

Josie McCoy?!
Here on Pluto-chella weekend?

The Pussycats split up
over creative differences,

- uh, and they're dead.
- No!

Need a bass player?

[Bass plays]

Damn, Miss Grundy!

Now stand back
and watch this drive.

Hm, Reggie definitely had
a virus of some kind.

Herpes.
He was so proud of it.

Maybe the herpes virus
is deadly to the bleeps.

Ah! If we only knew
more about herpes.

What?! I taught you
all about it in sex ed!

Oh, for... children, gather round.

Who here had sex with Reggie?

And who here had sex with Betty?

And who here had sex with Archie?

Oh, you filthy little petri dishes.

Miss Grundy, I had sex
with you, too, remember?

[All gasping]

Never mind that.
Let's k*ll those bleeps!

[Cheering]

Oof, dodged that b*llet.

Ch-ch-ch-charge, mother[bleep]s!

[Screaming]

Mwah, mwah.

[Gasps]

[Grunting]

Hot dog, what are you doing?
Herpes is a people disease!

[Screams]

[Screams]

Why didn't I just [bleep]
Archie when I had the chance?

[Guitar plays]

That's right.
Nothing leads you

into a life of herpes
like rock and roll.

Welcome to the herpes party!
Open wide!

Looks like we got 'em all.

We won! We won!
[laughs] Yeah!

Huh?

Uh, blonde, full bush.
Uh, blonde, I don't know.

Archie, those are the last two.

- Finish this!
- I can't decide.

You're a real piece of sh*t,
you know that?

[Screams]

[Belches]

[Rumbling]

Oh, my lifelong nightmare
is finally over!

Also rest in peace, Archie, of course.

Hey, how's your ass
look in a cat suit?

No better than this ass.
Whoo-hoo!

♪ Archie's dead ♪

♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪

♪ Reggie's dead ♪

♪ Veronica, too ♪

♪ Cheryl's dead ♪

♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪

♪ What about Jughead? ♪
♪ He's just goo ♪


♪ Grundy lived ♪

♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪

♪ Betty lived ♪
♪ Josie, too ♪


♪ Look for their mixed tape,
dropping soon ♪


♪ That's the end of
the bleepin' Robot Chicken ♪


♪ Archie comic special ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪♪

Apocalypse averted.
Thank you, herpes.


I've only been in here a day.

What the hell is
going on out there?

This just in.
In an historic moment,


Archie has chosen... Veronica.

No way.
Betty's got that ponytail.

[Sighs]

I too have made a decision.

[Gags, chokes]

[Chuckles]
Veronica, man. No way.
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