10x03 - Fila Ogden in: Maggie's Got a Full Load

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Robot Chicken". Aired: February 20, 2005 –present.*
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
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10x03 - Fila Ogden in: Maggie's Got a Full Load

Post by bunniefuu »

- Hi, April O'Neil.
- The p*rn star.

- Love your work.
- No, the one from " minutes."

minutes of p*rn?
It's too much.

I chafe. It's a disaster.

How do you respond to
charges that your campaign

was secretly run by the evil Shredder,

archenemy of the Ninja Turtles?

I've never met him,
don't know him.

Here's a photo of the two of you
sharing a milkshake.

Fake new, fake shake,
shake news.

So, the two of you didn't conspire

to steal all the pizzas
in New York on June , ?

No, that's a date I remember well.
I have the best memory.

- That was the purge.
- The what?

The purge ...
the day when everything

is legal and unimpeachable.

Shredder, who I don't know,
and I had a meeting,

- and I believe I ate a hobo.
- Uh, Mr. Tr*mp? The purge is not real.

My lawyers assure me it is, and
that is why I k*lled and ate a hobo.

We ate his colon like
"Lady and the Tramp."

Lady and the Tr*mp,
write that down.

You can't ...
I already copyrighted it.

Use it in one of your p*rn.
Also, I do not know Shredder.

Sad! The purge, baby.

And one more thing...

Both: Live from New York,
it's "Robot Chicken"!


Announcer: It's time for
"Robot Chicken," [music]


with Seth Green,

the Robot Chicken,

the Humping Robot,

Pickle Joe,

Bitch Pudding,

- still Kenan Thompson...
- I'm never leavin'!


...Sunshine Cowboy,

Rick Sanchez,

with Matthew Sandwich,

and tonight's musical guest,

the Stone Protectors.

And now, please welcome

young Han Solo!

- Name?
- Han.

- Full name.
- Just Han.

- I'm traveling alone.
- Alone?

All right, then I'm gonna
put you down as "Han Solo."

- What?
- Name's, uh, Jack.

Jack Porkins, you mean.

Oink, oink!
Wide boy coming through!

You son of a bitch!
[screams]

- Think you're fast, Hobbs?
- Toretto, I was born furious.

- But are you fast and furious?
- Too fast, too furious.

Both: Tokyo drift!

[goal siren blares]

First one around the rink
has the biggest d*ck.

Oh, no! I'm redlining!

[music]

It's about family, cuz!

[music]

Belle, if you won't
eat dinner with me,

you won't eat at all!

[door slams] Oh, wardrobe...
whatever shall I do?

Uhh, fall in love with the beast?

I don't know,
we're pretty complicit here.

Do you think chipotle delivers
this far into the woods?

Ah! They do!
Perfect!

Oh, my god, Belle!
Stupid.

Yes, hi, police?

I'm being held prisoner
by a gigantic horny

- sasquatch in a ...
- Woman: Postmates!

Burrito bowl with carnitas
for Belle?!

Could you hold on?
My food's here.

Uh, thanks so much.
No, not you ...

Okay. Sure.
You, too.

Uh, did you know
that there's a huge dog

in a victorian suit
throwing a tantrum downstairs?

- This is private property!
- We've got a code - - !

Giant hamster throwing
household items!

Fire!

[groaning]

[howls]

[music]

Oh, no! White man down!
Call the paramedics!

Did you say he was white?

Narrator: In the year ,
President Kirk Cameron outlawed


all birth control and abortions,
but nobody stopped doing it.


Society was flooded by babies,

so we fled to the train,

the train we call Baby Piercer.

Babies are death.
The train is life.

Looks like you, scum,
need a reminder.

No! Not like this!

[screams]

[babies coo]

Narrator: Baby Piercer.

But no one was prepared
for the truth.


[laughs]
Baby Piercer.

This is not my idea of a
swell time, Indiana Jones!

Goodbye forever.

Excuse me, sir?
I need a guide to Delhi.

Oh!

[music]

Let me call you a cab.

[music]

Man: Hey!
DJ Marshmallow, over here!

- Ugh!
- Wow!

[all clamoring]

[clamoring stops]

- Let's eat him.
- Oh, man. Let me have some.

Man: Oh, goodness.
It tastes ... it tastes...

Yes, while it's true that
one of our self-driving cars

k*lled a woman last year,

we are now happy
to unveil version . .

Whoa, whoa!
Privacy please!

This new Autobot and I are
sharing a private moment.

Optimus Prime,
that is not an Autobot!

[crashing]

That's right.
She's a Decepticon.

Uber has already started
her reign of death and terror.

Right, my sweet?

Automated voice:
Please, buckle up.


Indeed.
Buckle up for the destruction

that we will impart
on this world together.

No! Uber!
Tell me it isn't so?

Where would you like to go?

I want to go back to a time when
we didn't lie to each other.

Calculating route. Ready to go.

Baby!
[engine starts, tires squeal]

I think I'm in love with you.

[music]

Goodbye, Australia.
America, here I come.

♪ Duh-duh-duh ... ♪

[horn blares]

[horns blare]

[music]

Billy and Bethany have $ ,

to turn this man-baby monstrosity
into the home of their dreams.

The previous owner went missing
while looking for his bike.

[chuckling] Wow! This house
is one big ' s coke dream!

- Get the [bleep] off me!
- Hey, what the ...

Chip, stop messing around!

I am not missing around, Joanna!

- That chair hit me.
- No, I didn't.

[screams]

Ooh, the pain!

Ha ha! Get it?
Ah, the pain!

[coughs] Hey,
what is all this crap?

- Today's secret word is... asbestos.
- Asbestos?

All: Yay!

[all cough]

Oh, I'm a conversation piece.
See, I tell the ...

Oh, god!

Are you excited
to see what we did?

[music]

- Oh, my god!
- It's amazing!

Joanna: We trashed
everything with a face,


painted gray tones
over the psycho hellscape,


reupholstered the talking
furniture in neutral tones,


and repurposed the puppet
theater into a succulent bar.


[bell dings] He he!
Hello, house!

It took me years,
but I found my bike in ...

No! I was gone too long!
I'm sorry!

I hurried as-bestos I could!

All: [strained]
Secret word. Yay!


Sometimes I think I hear the
walls screaming. [pee-wee screams]

but in this claymation
rainforest housing market,


- that's a small price to pay.
- I miss my skin.

[music]

Walter, we're the same
model of android,

so it shouldn't be hard
to teach you how to play.

You blow,
and I'll do the fingering.

[instrument plays]

Great, now I'm going to put this
accordion between your thighs.

Pump it while blowing.
I'll do the fingering.

[instruments play]

- Mmm, yes.
- Ooh! That's good.

I'm going to insert this harmonica

down the back of your pants.

Just flatulate quarter notes.
I'll do the fingering.

[instruments play]

- You're ready.
- Ready for what?

[music]

Which is better ...
one or two?

- Uh, one.
- Okay.

- And one or two, or the same?
- Uh, red.

It's a good thing
we caught this when we did.

It turns out,
your eyes are in your hands.

[screams]

[music]

So... your health insurance
didn't cover any of that.

Here's your bill.

[screams]

- Debit or credit?
- Credit.

Luke, I am your father.

That's not true!
That's impossible!

Search your feelings.
You know it to be true.

Noooooo!

You see?
That right there.

That "noooooo" ...
you get that from me.

I said the very same thing
when I got this suit.

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

- Noooooo!
- Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

- Noooooo!
- Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Oh, we can make a dress
for you, Cinderelli.

The birds will help.

Oh, you're such
wonderful friends.

First, take off
those ratty old clothes.

[humming]

Keep going.
[club music plays]

Narrator: Welcome back to
the overwatch league on ESPN.


Esports are the future

and the future is now,

begging the question
of what time even means.


And here we go.

Bastion's in sentry mode

and that means trouble
for exposed players.


Oh! Out of nowhere,
it's Widowmaker


with a perfect sn*per sh*t

and the Omaha Tripe
Munchers take the mats.


Yes! Both hands on my tit!

Mm-mm-mm-mm,
suck my d*ck!

Ooh, sorry about the language,
but this is ESPN, after all.


We still use the name
of Washington's NFL team.

Oh, my gosh. I can't
believe I'm actually on ESPN!

Hey, everyone tuning in
to see football.

Enjoy watching a bunch
of weird-looking outcasts

play video games instead!
The nerds are taking over!

Can I get a "what-what"?

- What-what...
- I'm not a nerd.

I quit basketball because Stanford

gave me an overwatch scholarship.

- I have endorsement deals.
- Yeah, we're not nerds, dude.

How could you
insult us like that?

Well, jeez, I never met
you guys before today.

We only play over headsets, so I just
assumed you were a bunch of dorks.

When did nerds get so hot?
What, did y'all have lasik?

First, I was a nerd,
because I wasn't cool.

And now nerds are cool,
and I'm still not cool?

What the [bleep]?!
Oh, god, I'm all alone.

[sobbing] Just a stereotypical
nerd spanking it to Widowmaker.

Oh, I spank it to Widowmaker.

Oh, I definitely
spank it to Widowmaker.

I'm spanking it
to Widowmaker right now.

Oh, wow, I'm one of you,
after all.

I belong, because ...
oh, Jesus.

- He's really doing it, you guys ...
- Cut to a real sport!

He's jacking off, for god's sake!

[tone beep]

Announcer: Wow.
A true athlete, folks.


♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪


- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.
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