10x05 - Garfield Stockman in: A Voice Like Wet Ham

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Theme music plays]
[Cackles]

♪♪

[Whirring]

[Whirring]

Man: It's alive!
[Thunder rumbles]

♪♪

[Thunder crashes]
[Cackles]

♪♪

♪ Mother[bleep] ♪

♪ It's my wedding day ♪

Narrator:
Freddy Krueger had a dream.

I want my father to walk me
down the aisle.

♪ My mom was r*ped
by all the psychos ♪

Narrator: But this wedding has
a few surprises.

- Dude, sunscreen!
- b*rned alive, but thanks!

Your father? Aren't you the
Bastard Son of Maniacs?

Well, I'm the son
of one maniac.

The other lost the race.

- So invite them all.
- I will!

- Have we met before?
- That depends.

Did you g*ngb*ng a nun at
an insane asylum in the ' s?

- Catholic or flying?
- Terrified. [Laughter]

♪ Boiler dreams, m*rder kids ♪

♪ Stabbing the life out of them ♪

Geez, Mom, you really got around.

Sure, slut-shame the violated nun.

♪ Almost married, RSVP ♪

♪ Registered at Macy's ♪

Announcer: This summer, get ready...

- Freddy...
- I'm your...

- Dad.
- m*rder, bludgeon, k*ll!

Announcer: ...for the
wedding of a lifetime.

♪ Hundred psycho Johns ♪

♪ How could this go wrong? ♪

♪ Please, it's just Freddy's ♪

♪ Messed-up back story ♪

Possible dads,
you're ruining my big day!

Narrator: "m*rder Mia!"

Stay frosty.

One of those things
de-spined my entire platoon.

[Chitters]
Whoa!

[Thud]
Ow! Ow.

There he is!

Hey.
[Wheezes]

[Coughs]

Hold on.

[Inhales sharply]

[Coughs]

- And he's a preda-dork!
- Did you just come up with that?

You should do improv, soldier!

[Machineguns f*ring]

♪♪

Please.

[Baby giggles]
Thank you.

Now I can climb out.

Wait...
[Gurgling]

Free baby, yeah.

Are you ready for
the summer soldier, b*tches?

Mom, Dad, like, hello.
I'm getting the operation.

- Absolutely not.
- I didn't k*ll little red plastic commie men

in Korea so you could mutilate yourself.

I hate you both. Don't you know
how embarrassing it is to be,

- like, the only girl with a slab?
- Trust the slab!

The slab keeps your feet
on the ground.

- The slab means stability!
- [Bleep] the slab!

- She didn't mean that, dear.
- Yes, she did.

My baby hates me.

♪♪

[Crashing]

Oh, did I do that?

♪♪

[g*nsh*t]

I got your d*ck!

♪♪

[Marching band music plays]

♪♪

[Clicking]
[Crowd booing]

[Silence]

[Cheering, marching band plays]

[Roars]

♪♪

- Give me your money!
- Help! Help!

Man: Who's that?
♪♪

Won't somebody help me?

You won't stop me,
masked stranger!

[Roars]

Oh, that'll do it!

[Cheering]

Woman: We love you,
whoever you are!

Woman # :
Where'd the pool guy go?

[Roars]

Peanuts!
Get your peanuts here!

Aah! Aah!

Ew.

[Screaming]

[Laughs]

[Alarm ringing]
Oh.

Stupid building codes.

Hey, guys, does this
look weird to you?

Mine looks like Richard Nixon.

Can we hang out one time
without studying our vaginas?

- Aah!
- Oh!

- Ugh!
- Good day, Totally Spies.

Your mis ... Jesus Christ,
put some pants on.

Your mission ...
travel to South America

and root out a cell of radicals

threatening the puppet ruler
we control.

These radicals are
teachers and artists.

- Who says blondes are dumb?
- Can we, like, go fight a guy

dressed as a big rat or something?

No, and to make sure
it goes smoothly,

you'll be joined by Agent
Marshall on loan from the CIA,

and, girls, don't
forget to take your gadgets.

Whoosh!

What is this?

That is a cutesy,
cuddly curling iron.

Fun!

It packs a lethal dose
of polonium- .

Uh, fun?

♪♪

Hey, guys, look at their work.

So much culture.
It's amazing.

- And banned.
- Aah!

Oop, sorry.

- Is that too tight?
- Nice work.

Hand me that cutesy,
cuddly curling iron.

For the polonium?

[Chuckles] No, gonna
shove it up his ass.

I thought it was proven
that t*rture doesn't work.

Depends on what
you're trying to do.

If the answer is have fun,
it definitely works.

[Buzzing, man screaming]
[All gasp]

[Whirring]
[Screaming continues]

[Whirring continues]

Guys, I think I have PTSD,

- post-totally stressed disorder.
- Good one, Alex.

[Cat yowls]
Ugh! Sam! Sam!

- Twitch is not a spy!
- Not a spy!

[Cat yowling]

♪♪

[Wheezing]

Do you need your
heart pills, Grandpa?

[Grunting]

But they're right here.

[Grunting]

I'm going to leave these here.
I promise.

[Grunting]

This time, I really
won't move them.

[Grunting]

[Gagging, wheezing]

Grandpa?

Mr. Schindler, the Talmud says,

"Whoever saves one life
saves the world entire."

I ... I could have saved more.

Oscar, you saved over
, Jews

and one man who claims
to be a werewolf.

This watch, I ...
[Howling]

I could've bought two more
with this watch.

No.

This car, Goethe offered me
Jews for this car,

but I just set
the radio presets the way

I wanted them,
and I turned him down.

Once, I saved a dozen Jews
but had no money

to tip my shoeshine boy,
so I gave him a Jew.

Itzhak, your record player
I gave you...

- Yes?
- ...the one I nicknamed

little Anna, and you said,

"What a strange name
for a record player,"

and then I chuckled
but didn't explain why.

Just go, Oscar.

We'll erect a monument
to you... or something.

Uh, something modest.

Don't ... don't spend
too many Jews.

I'll tell them. Goodbye.

♪♪

There can only be one lord
of the ring, Saruman.

[Gasps]

Ugh!

The Eagles.
My message got through.

It did. How could we pass up
playing for Gandalf the Grey?

- Now sit back and take it easy.
- Ooh!

Another morning singing to
my beloved, disgusting town.

- Great. French Anne Hathaway is back.
- If she comes over here,

I'm blind, deaf, and mute,
got it?

♪ There goes the beggar
with his remaining limbs ♪

♪ He sold his legs
to buy some pants ♪

♪ The street whores
are the grossest ♪

♪ Syphilised all their noses ♪

♪ Just another normal day
in feudal France ♪

- Help us, Belle. [Grunts]
- Help yourself and learn to read.

♪ There goes the taxman
with his iron shackles ♪

♪ Now watch this assh*le
do a dance ♪

♪ The death cart rolls on by ♪

♪ The corpses piled high ♪

♪ Just another normal day
in feudal France ♪

♪ Oh, isn't this disgusting ♪

♪ The well is full of poop
and human pee ♪

♪ Oh, isn't it charming ♪

♪ How the children think
they'll live past ♪

♪ Just another normal day ♪

♪ Just another normal day ♪

♪ Just another normal day ♪

♪ Just another freakin' day
in feudal France ♪

[Coughs]

Oh, [bleep, bleep] me.

Oh, my God.
The bipods are here.

They're tripods.

- Count them, three legs.
- Wait.

That's not two legs and a penis?

Uh, I don't think so, but maybe.

Uh, I really think it's a penis.

Ugh, my d*ck!

Yo, Troy, did you really sign up
for the high-school musical?

- Yeah, cool, right?
- Hell no, it's not cool.

♪♪

♪ Dancing is for losers ♪

♪ Singing is for dorks ♪

♪ The musical is a dead art form ♪

♪ Beggars can't be choosers ♪

♪ The only choice is sports ♪

♪ My assh*le keeps
the bench warm ♪

♪ Keep your, keep your
brain on the ball ♪

♪ Keep your, keep your
brain on the ball ♪

♪ Keep your, keep your... ♪

Guys, guys, I'm ... I'm confused.

You want me to choose basketball
over the musical?

- Damn straight.
- Dude, listen to the song.

So you're telling me not to sing,

and you're doing it
in the form of a song.

Sounds like someone
needs another verse.

♪ If an athlete chooses music ♪

♪ Light his ass on fire ♪

♪ k*ll his parents with a rock ♪

It's just kind of hypocritical.
That's all I'm saying.

We don't have time to argue
with you all day, man.

We told Coach we'd help
pass out condoms

with abstinence slogans on them.

- Yeah.
- Abstinence!

♪ Your ass looks great ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk!
- Bawk.