- You have lost your damn mind.
- Nah, you tripping, bro.
I'm not arguing with you about this.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What's up with you two?
I asked Sherm, "What
would be scarier to fight,
badgers or bear?" and
this fool said badgers.
Yes, because it's obvious, Wyatt.
You can b*at one animal,
but little freaks?
That's four paws each,
five claws per paw.
That's claws. You are done for.
But bears are huge.
They're like pounds of pure muscle.
You wouldn't stand a chance.
I'm not scared of weight.
I'm scared of teamwork.
little brains all working together
like a damn badger wireless network.
Are y'all still arguing about this?
A bear is way scarier, okay?
They're the heavyweights of the forest.
It's like saying you would
rather fight Evander Holyfield
- than little kids.
- I would.
- Kids scare the crap out of me.
They are ruthless.
"Lord of the Flies" much?
Sherm's right.
I once saw a five-year-old pull the
legs off a lizard while laughing.
What are we even fighting about now?
- ALL: Kids versus Holyfield.
- Keep up.
Holyfield would crush little kids.
- kids all day.
- What are you talking about?
♪ Whoop, whoop ♪
♪ Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
♪ Team is here and now it's on ♪
♪ Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
♪ Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
♪ Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
♪ If you got me, then I got you ♪
♪ This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
♪ Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
♪ Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
♪ Grand crew ♪
It's not often we get
graced with the presence
of Wyatt's other half. Thanks
for the drinks, you two.
Don't thank me.
Thank my high-powered, sexy lawyer wife
who can strong-arm anyone in Hollywood.
She's the one that makes the money.
Hey, since you're an attorney,
I gotta ask you about this judge
I went on a date with.
You're dating a judge? That is amazing.
I suppose. However, when we went out
for coffee, she wore her judge's robe.
- That's weird, ain't it?
- Eh.
Maybe she was just coming from work.
It would be kind of like if a
doctor showed up wearing scrubs.
Yeah, I've seen some judges in their
robes outside of the courthouse.
I don't know. I'm with Sherm.
When I was dancing on Broadway,
I wouldn't wear my costume to a date.
Wait, you were on Broadway?
Mm-hmm. Nothing crazy.
Just "Wicked", "Color Purple."
I was a giraffe in "The Lion King."
Yeah, I feel like I've
known you for so long
that I forget that we just met.
I don't know anything about you.
You pretty much know everything.
There's really not
that much more to learn.
Anyway, can I get anybody
anything from the bar?
We have a great Merlot
from Argentina in.
Wait, why did you say it like that?
- Do you work here now?
- I do. I needed a job.
Yup, there's nothing
else to learn about you.
Great talk.
- What's good, y'all?
- ALL: Okay.
That's right, you're looking
at the newest vice president
at Joseph & Phillips Accounting...
- Incorporated!
- [ALL CHEERING]
That means King TUT is in the building.
- I love King TUT.
- King TUT?
Oh, it stands for Turn Up Tony,
his party persona from college.
Whenever he aced an exam, and now,
whenever he gets a promotion,
he transforms into King TUT.
And also because he gets
so drunk, he falls asleep
with his arms crossed like a mummy.
I detect no lies.
Y'all down to get it in tonight?
I'm definitely down to get it in,
but I actually have to make a run first.
I am getting my hair did.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
The self-care journey continues,
and I'm calling it self-hair.
- Don't call it that.
- Okay, I won't call it that.
I'm not gonna call it self-hair,
but you guys get the vibe.
- Peace.
- Peace.
Yo, what's up with you, Fay?
Coming out with us tonight?
Yeah, I just gotta
do some laundry first.
All my clothes are a
mess from making cookies.
I love baking.
Huh, not shocking new information,
but new information nonetheless.
- My godfather is Famous Amos.
- Well, there it is.
Well, ladies and
gentlemen, we have a quorum,
which means that tonight is a TUT party
where the champagne
flows like the River Nile.
- [PHONES BUZZ]
- Oh. Oh, dang.
There's a wildfire in Griffith Park,
and our place is in the evacuation zone.
- Yeah, mine too.
- Damn, so is the bar.
Well, I guess the party
is postponed, y'all.
Not necessarily.
I know a place not in the zone
where you all could spend the night.
Welcome to the Wyattdorf Kristoria.
Oh, this is gonna be lit.
I'm talking about the
vibes, not the wildfire.
Yeah, but should we be
worried about how frequent
these fires are happening?
I'm sure the scientists are
figuring it out. We're good.
ALL: Yeah, man.
Wyatt, I always forget
how dope your house is.
This is a TUT hut.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, I can definitely pass out here.
Man. It is so dope that
your wife is the breadwinner.
I mean, I'm not trying to settle down,
but if I was, that would be the move.
Sure.
My wife is the provider,
but we both have our roles.
I take care of the house.
And yeah, she may bring home the bacon,
but I'm the one who cooks it.
And she may make the bread,
but I'm the one who
makes the sandwiches.
And she may buy the limes,
but I'm the one who makes...
- Margaritas anyone?
- ALL: Oh, yes.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- I thought he was gonna go on forever.
Ooh, this margarita is too good.
- Kristen, how dare you?
- It's actually my recipe.
No, I made some adjustments.
A little Kristen kiss of mezcal.
Sorry, I'm late y'all. What's happening?
- Wow.
- Wow.
So they didn't finish your
hair because of the fire?
- No, this is what I asked for.
- It looks perfect.
That is a TUT cut if I've ever seen one.
You look crazy.
You know, Old Noah might've
taken this passive-aggression
and dwelled on it, but
new Noah doesn't care.
I've been reading "The
Three Pillars of Zen,"
and I feel more relaxed
than my hair, baby.
Well, can I get anyone anything else?
Coffee, tea, juice?
- Coffee, tea, juice?
- How about sh*ts, sh*ts, sh*ts?
- Hey.
- Yes.
Now, Kristen, we might need
to evacuate your house soon
because you are on
fire with the hosting.
[FORCED LAUGHTER]
She's so great.
Hey, babe, can I talk to you
for a second in the study?
- Sure.
- [FORCED LAUGHTER]
Hey, I know you have, like,
a lot of work that you
probably have to do.
You don't have to be
doing any hosting duties.
Hosting is kind of my thing.
So you're saying I
don't know how to host?
No, I'm just saying that I've
been hosting since the womb.
In fact, I left the
womb better than it was
before I got in there.
The doctors were in awe.
Okay, then, well, if you think
you're a better host,
why don't we find out?
Let the houseguests decide.
A hosting competition? Okay.
Okay, but I won't hold
back. I must break you.
Bitch, I'm gonna crush
you, crumble you up,
and then put you in a dish as a garnish
while I eat you alive.
I'm gonna host so good that
it's gonna make you sick,
and then I will nurse you back to health
because that's how dope of a host I am.
I'm gonna cut your
head off with a Kn*fe.
My bad. I got carried away.
Don't apologize. I loved it.
As you know, we are elated
to have you all here today.
So much so that we decided
to make hosting you guys
a friendly competition between lovers.
Y'all are cute.
Whoever loses has to
do that freaky thing
that the other one likes in the bedroom.
- We did not need to know that part.
- Yes, you did.
You need to know that the
stakes are high, sexually.
Or low depending on who wins.
You are nasty.
- Oh, you're nasty.
- You're nasty.
- No, you are nasty.
- You're nasty.
- Aye, aye, aye. Too horny.
- Don't listen to him.
We all get horny, and
sex is what made us.
Sex is life, and life is beautiful.
- Thank you, Long Hair Noah.
- First up is dinner.
And at the Wyatt Hyatt,
we would like to bring you
Ye Rustic Inn, wings, nachos,
and a veggie deluxe burger
for Anthony's plant-based
needs. My treat.
Thank you. Dope.
Or you can head over
to the Ritz-Kristen
and try this new spot off
Hillhurst called Nossa.
Hmm, what's that Nossa talking about?
- They talking about plantains.
- ALL: Ooh.
- They talking about sangria.
- ALL: Aye.
They talking about all
the flavors of Brazil.
ALL: Yo!
Now that is the better choice.
It's all good.
You know, hosting is a
marathon, not a sprint.
Is there anything else
I can do for anyone?
Fay, weren't you saying that
you needed to do laundry?
Oh, yeah.
If you don't mind, my
laundry is in the car.
Wyatt, we just got that new machine.
We don't know how to use it yet.
Oh, you don't, but I do.
Okay, so I have no idea
how to use this thing.
Then why did you say you did?
Because I'm trying to win
a marriage competition,
and you all wanted to eat at Nossa.
Well, it's just a washing machine.
I mean, how complicated can it be?
It's the Schweistinger
Grosse Macht Siében-Funf.
The BMW of washing machines.
There are no buttons,
only this tablet, and
it's all in German.
Not a problem. I know German.
You do?
My ex-husband was from Germany.
- You were married?
- Yeah, but not for long.
That's what happens when you
find love on a reality show.
Reality show?
- [READS GERMAN]
- Damn girl, who are you?
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
Yes! All right, good.
Just remember that
your host hooked you up.
Ooh, King TUT's first outfit change.
I've been waiting for this.
Thank you, sir. The
look that I'm going for
is "accountant that's so fly,
you're worried he's
gonna steal your money."
Oh yeah, I definitely see it.
I'd be very suspicious of you.
- Thank you.
- So the plot is thickening
between me and Judge Eva, y'all.
We followed each other
on Instagram today.
And look, she got one picture up,
and it's of her in a robe.
Who cares?
A robe ain't nothing but a wide
dress, and life ain't nothing
but a dress for the universe.
- Oh, yes.
- What?
Well, I think Eva sounds really sweet.
Maybe you should invite
her over for dinner
so you can see her outside of the robe.
That is a great idea.
Kristen, you are the best host.
I have an announcement. As your host,
I will be providing each of you
with your own air mattresses.
Bro, you got five air mattresses?
Yes, because I am always prepared,
and I care about your comfort.
Well, mostly because he meant to
buy but accidentally bought .
The quantity button is tricky.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some mattresses to inflate.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, cheers!
♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪
You figure out the dryer. I got this.
Okay.
Hold up.
The door won't open. Something's wrong.
[READS GERMAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
Oh, this is bad. I think I broke it.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't think that's helpful.
All right, y'all, allow
me to present to you
wardrobe change number two,
the accountant who's gotten one
too many questions from the IRS
and just touched down in Costa Rica.
Man, King TUT don't
miss. Take my money, King.
I just got an email.
I'm live on the company site,
which means I'm finally
on the officers' page.
Are y'all ready to pop some champagne?
- Allow me to pop it?
- No!
Ha. Clearly, he wants me,
the better host, to pop it.
No, no, not that.
They didn't put me
on the officers' page.
They put me on my own page
titled "Celebrating Diversity."
Am I just a damn token to them?
Celebrating diversity?
They need to celebrate these nuts.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too, but you know what?
The world is always spinning,
and all that means is that eventually,
you'll end up on the other side.
My foot's about to end up on
the other side of your ass.
- Okay, I'll walk away, baby.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh, that must be Judge Eva.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
BOTH: Hey.
Oh. You just coming from work?
- No.
- Oh, okay, cool.
Yeah, that's what's up.
Hey, everybody, I'd like
y'all to meet Judge Eva.
As you can tell, she's
just coming from home.
Hi. Nice to meet you all.
Thank you so much for
having me over for dinner.
[PHONE DINGS]
So about dinner, I just found out
that our delivery from
Nossa got canceled.
They were overwhelmed with
orders because of the fire.
Damn.
Score one host point for Wyatt.
Oh, this ain't over yet.
- Don't sleep.
- Oh, I'm wide awake.
Not for long, 'cause you
are about to get slept.
Keep talking, keep talking.
Oh, hey, Sherm, here's a glass of wine,
and remember, dinner didn't
come because of Kristen.
You good, bro?
This competition is starting
to feel a little too real.
No, this is what Kristen and I do.
We're just a fun couple that competes.
- It's our thing.
- Well, it's not fun from the outside.
And while you're celebrating,
I'm so hungry, my damn
stomach is speaking in tongues.
[GIBBERISH]
All I'm hearing is that we need to
step it up a notch and get you fed.
Kristen!
What's up, dummy?
How about we see who can cook
a better dinner for everyone
in the least amount of time?
Oh, "Top Chef" quickfire style.
Sure. But you're going down.
Oh, we'll see about that.
Alexa, set a timer for minutes
so I can flex on my wife in the kitchen.
minutes starting now.
Actually, Alexa, update
the timer to minutes,
because that's all the time
I need to destroy my husband.
Ten minutes removed.
You now have about
minutes and seconds left.
- Alexa...
- Just cook the damn food, please.
Damn it.
These buttons aren't fixing anything.
Kristen and Wyatt are
gonna be so upset with me.
Oh, boy.
Okay, what are you doing?
I sweat when I do something bad,
and we just did a very bad thing.
My body's about to rain.
Okay, a new discovery,
although not a fun one.
Listen, it's no big deal, Fay.
It's just a washing machine.
To you, maybe, but I lost
all my friends in the divorce,
and I'm new to this group,
and the first thing I do is
break the washing machine?
I'm gonna be Washing
Machine Fay forever.
Oh, damn. You're right.
They're definitely gonna call you that.
Oh, wow. You are really sweating.
- I told you.
- I got you covered.
I'm gonna... wow,
that is a lot of sweat.
I'm gonna text my
handyman. He's gonna fix it.
All we have to do is
distract everyone until then.
- How?
- By making them feel so good
they don't suspect a thing.
I call it the Oprah Technique.
Hey, beautiful Black people.
Oh, your melanin is glistening.
You are all very special.
I love all of you. I
love you. I love you.
I love your robe, and ooh,
that suit is looking real good,
King TUT, TUT, TUT, TUT.
I'm not King TUT anymore.
I'm King BUTT.
Big Underwhelming Token Tony.
I don't think the Oprah
Technique is working.
Really? 'Cause I don't hear anyone
talking about a washing
machine right now.
Fay, why are you sweating so much?
Oh, she's not sweating. She's glowing.
She's probably sweating
because it's hot in here.
I'ma hang up my jacket.
Can I hang up any extra
layers of anyone else?
No, thanks, Sherman. I'm good.
Of course you are.
Dinner!
Good evening. What I have for you
is a beautiful seared
chicken with the tomato confit
and a sprig of homegrown oregano.
And I've prepared fettuccine
with a white wine butter sauce,
mushrooms, and a
chiffonade of crispy sage.
[HEAVY ROCK MUSIC]
♪
Well, what do you think?
I think the food is objectively trash,
with all due respect.
Thank you so much for letting
us stay here, by the way.
- Did you try mine?
- I did; it was just as bad.
minutes is not enough time
to do what you tried to achieve.
This was a failure.
Thank y'all so much for having us.
Fay, are you okay? You're sweating.
Oh, yeah. It's just the food.
It's so spicy.
There are no spices.
This dinner is incredible.
Such wonderful textures.
And I love the play on the temperatures.
- Nicky, are you crazy?
- This is an abomination.
Just wanna reiterate, I'm
truly grateful to be here.
I'm vegan, so I can't eat any of this.
Seems like the first good thing
that happened to King BUTT today.
Okay, so it seems that
dinner could have been better,
but surely y'all can decide
that one was less worse
than the other, right?
I actually don't like giving
judgment outside the courtroom.
She always got on a damn robe.
- What's that?
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
Did someone call for a repairman?
Dang, I told him to text
me before he got here.
What is going on?
Um... [CLEARS THROAT] Well, earlier-
- what happened was, I...
- I...
I broke the washing machine.
My brand-new laundry machine?
Yes, I did it. Give me all the blame.
- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- Come in.
It's not your fault.
Wyatt lied and said he knew
how to work the machine.
- Some host.
- Not so fast.
There's a repairman here, and
he can make it good as new.
That's right, but first,
I need a little help finding my tool.
Oh, no.
[HEAVY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
What the hell is going on in my home?
I knew I recognized
him from somewhere else.
Okay, what had happened
was, I texted Jerry Pipe,
who is a stripper,
when I meant to text Pipe Jerry,
who is my handyman. Classic mix-up.
Ha, there goes another
host point, sucka.
It's just a stripper
and a broken machine.
Things are not that bad.
[LOUD BANG]
Oh, no.
- What was that?
- Cherry Pie, what was that?
♪
Damn, that's a lot of bubbles.
I am very sorry, you guys.
Again, this is just my
fault. Nobody else's.
Yeah, you keep reiterating that.
- Is something up?
- BOTH: No.
- No need to apologize.
- I'm sorry on behalf of Wyatt.
He really tried his best as the host,
and, well, this is what happened.
Yes, and I should apologize
on behalf of my wife,
who insists we have the most
bougie appliances around.
Those are some shady kisses right there.
Who cares?
The world is burning. Nothing matters.
What is that?
Down here from King BUTT.
Come on, brother.
Now isn't the time to take a bath.
It's time for a new path.
Take my hand and follow me
on this new journey... no!
What the hell?
My hair. You ruined my perfect hair.
Oh, your hair was far from perfect.
- How dare you?
- I'm still hungry.
- That's Wyatt's fault.
- That's Kristen's fault.
[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]
[GAVEL HAMMERING]
Order. Order in this living room.
Now she got a gavel.
Everybody, y'all need to
pull yourselves together.
You two, why the hell are
y'all competing like this?
There is clearly a deeper issue here.
Handle it between yourselves.
And you two, it's clear
that you were covering
for your sweaty friend.
Who cares? It's just a washing machine.
And you, you need a glass
of water and some bread.
- Facts.
- And Sherman,
I know it bothers you
I've been wearing this robe.
Would you like to know
why I wear it everywhere?
Yes, please. It's driving me insane.
I'm the first in my
family to go to college,
the first to go to law school,
and the first to become a judge.
I wear this robe because
I am proud of myself.
Is that crazy?
I mean, yeah. Kinda.
Whatever. I don't care
what anyone thinks.
I know my worth.
In all of my years as a
judge, I have never seen
such a blatant display of
tomfoolery amongst friends.
Also, your hair was bad.
- That stings.
- It is what it is.
Have a good evening,
everyone. Stay Black.
She's harsh but fair.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
- Thanks for the pizza.
- Of course.
Sorry this is the only
room not full of suds.
No, it's working for me.
- Yeah, I like it.
- I like it.
So that was the most intense
laundry day I've ever had.
Thank you for taking the blame from me.
Of course, that's what friends do.
And I'd say we're
pretty close friends now,
considering how much I
learned about you today.
But I have a lot to learn about you.
You have a stripper saved in your phone?
Strippers. Plural.
Ooh, and each one has a freaky,
nasty, unique story, okay?
You good, TUT?
You know what? I am.
That thing Judge Eva said
gave me some new perspective.
Oh, that you needed
some bread and water?
Yes, that, too, but...
the thing she said about
her robe and her worth.
I'm good at what I do, and I know it,
so I called my boss and I took a stand.
Why is everyone white? Do better.
Now, I was a little
drunk, but he took it well.
So now I'm on the officers' page.
My man. Congrats, bro.
Thanks. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Babe, I need to apologize
about how I acted today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before
this gets too real,
I wanna remind y'all
that this is a small room,
so you might want to
lower your voices a little.
I'm not ashamed of my feelings.
Y'all gonna have to feel this with me.
I love how successful you are.
It's just sometimes I get insecure
about not being a provider.
Babe, I was feeling insecure too.
Damn, I did not expect that.
Can y'all speak up a little
bit so we can all hear?
Insecure about working too much
and not helping out around the house.
You do more than enough.
You are more than enough.
And I am blessed.
I am too. Truly.
That said, I did win today,
and it wasn't even close.
[ALL AGREEING]
- Okay, yeah, yeah. I knew it.
- All right. Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I'm not tired. Are y'all tired?
- No.
- Mm-mm.
I could turn up.
I'm always down.
Thank you all for having me tonight.
Feels good to be a part of something.
- Aww.
- Jerry Pipe, thank you.
[HEAVY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
♪