01x04 - Chelsea

[bunniefuu]

Everybody, I have an announcement.

Detective Culp will be in charge
of searching for Jen 2,

and I'll continue the questioning.

So let's get back to business.

Chelsea, you're up.

Somebody's in the bathroom.
I need another way to listen in.

- I got you. Watch this.
- Something subtle.

Wait one second! Wait one second!
I just remembered something enormous.

I saw a silhouette
in the guesthouse earlier.

Wait. That could be Jennifer 2.

- Jennifer 2?
- It could be.

I don't have time to...

I'm sorry. Excuse me, ma'am.

Are you saying that you're not
even going to look into this?

What are you guys even do...
I'm gonna call your manager.

This bitch.

What is it, a Denny's?

Please call my manager.

I'm so sorry I wasn't able
to offer you excellent customer service.

Okay, police captain.
I'll call the police captain.

Captain? No, no.
There's no need to call the captain.

You know what? b*at boy, lead the way.

I'm telling you, this is gonna be huge.
Both of you are gonna love this.

- Thank you so much.
- Bitch, you're not welcome.

It's a guesthouse,
but he uses it as a merch room.

You're gonna love it.

Okay.

Culp, find the lights.
I feel like I'm in a haunted Sam Goody.

Creepy.

Guys! Do you think
this could maybe be the m*rder w*apon?

- Not at all.
- My God!

That's the sword that Xavier used
in The Odyssey live TV musical event.

My ex made me watch it.

I had some issues
with the show in general.

Why all the quick cutting?

Why can't we just watch
the actors act for once?

But I thought the prop team
totally nailed it.

Light switches!

Xavier's back!

God!

Enjoy Triple SeX responsibly.

Do not drink Triple SeX if pregnant
or trying to become pregnant.

- So this is the person you saw?
- We're done here.

Yeah, but you didn't know that was fake,
and you straight up chopped off his head.

- Remember that.
- Got it.

Oh, God. He was making a serious album?

Girl, I know what you talking about.

Have a seat right there.

So you say this belongs to you.

You wanna confess to a m*rder or two?

It seems like you've already
made your mind up about me

like everybody else does,
so why don't you just cuff me now?

This is your chance where you can get me
to believe that you're not a k*ller.

Try me.

Well, the first thing you should know

is that everyone comes to
a high school reunion for a reason.

Maybe you want everyone
to see what a success you've become.

Maybe you wanna show off
your hot spouse, or whatever.

For me,
this should have been a victory lap.

Senior year, I was top
of the social food chain.

Class president with a bright future.

But then, Xavier.

Because of him, everything changed.
My friends turned on me.

They hated me.

My life spiraled
into an abyss of misery and isolation.

And 15 years later…

They still hated me.

Thought I was toxic. Crazy.

Jesus Christ! Are you insane?

- Xavier's here.
- No!

So, yes, there's a reason I came tonight.

I came to get revenge.

Okay.

See? Now you think I'm insane.
I knew this would happen.

No, not at all.
I don't think you're insane.

Anyways, back to revenge.

Why were you revenging?

Well, I'm getting to that.

Those texts. I was being threatened.

Did someone know my plans?
Did they have plans for me?

One thing was clear.
Nobody wanted me there tonight.

- Chelsea.
- Jennifer.

- Jennifer, hi.
- What a surprise.

- And two surprises. Hey.
- Yes.

Our fetuses are friends.

- You must feel so alive.
- Like, double.

How are you? We heard you weren't well.

Are you doing okay now?

Don't I look okay?

- You've always been so funny.
- Such a joker.

- It's out of pain.
- So, why the interest in the 15th?

It's not even really
a conventionally important reunion.

It's just that Xavier was coming.
Is that why you're here?

Well, I'm not a fan.

But he is why I'm here tonight.

- We gotta get you a name tag.
- Yes, name tag.

You're alone, yeah?

Deeply alone.

What should I put as your job?

Veterinarian…

…'s receptionist.

I didn't know they had receptionists.

And drink ticket?

Definitely. I'll take…

- I'll take a bunch. It's a celebration.
- Well...

- If you could... Thank you.
- That's so many.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.

- So good to see you. Have a great time.
- Love you, babe.

Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- What can I get you?

However much vodka that can get me.

- And a splash of cranberry.
- Sure.

Thank you.

…giving a speech, right?

And I'm like…

- Like fart noise, right?
- I know the feeling.

- Faking it for everyone.
- And that was the moment, you know?

People came up to me and they were like,
"Xavier, you should do comedy." Right?

Being some imaginary version of himself.

- Xavier.
- So, anyway…

Yeah, so, like…

But was I the hunter or the hunted?

Brett?

You're literally hiding from me?

Hiding? I am not hiding.

Wow, what a shocker.
Chelsea's imagining things again.

No, your body was tucked behind the booth
like you're playing hide-and-seek.

It's called waiting in line. Heard of it?

It's empty.

Which is why I am now entering it.

Hey. Hey. If Zoë sees us, I swear to God.

Are you threatening me?

Are you the one
who's been sending me those texts?

Okay. Why would I send you texts?
This is over.

I'm sorry if it didn't work out
the way you thought.

No. Do not gaslight me, okay?
You made this a big deal

when you put your family pet's
end-of-life care in my hands.

Okay. Had I known you were gonna seduce
me, I would have found somewhere else

to bring Dumpling to put her to sleep.
Rest assured.

Brett, I did not seduce you.

You were a cheater. You initiated this.
I was just like, "Hi."

No, you were like, "Hi."

If you had just been honest

about not feeding Dumpling
a wet food diet,

you could have given her
1.5 more years to live.

Wet food gave her diarrhea.

I mean, affairs, they're normal.

Happen all the time, you know?
It's kind of sexy.

You know what I'm saying?
The lying, a little cheating, you know?

- You know what? No judgment.
- Brett didn't tell you about any of this?

I'm not at liberty to say what
is talked about in the other interviews,

but he didn't tell me
a damn thing about this.

He got all these buttons
and stuff up here. Who knows?

Anyway, I hadn't thought
about the guy since high school.

It was just the timing or something.

Sophia just had dumped me.

- Sophia?
- My ex.

I was a mess.

I was just wearing her clothes
and listening to Collective Soul,

and it was bad.

So then, when he came into the office
to put his dog down, it was like

both our lives suck right now.
You know what I mean?

And then, one thing led to another.

- k*lled the dog. Screwed the dad.
- Okay...

Really sticking a hard one to this family.

- I didn't intend for all this.
- You accidentally nailed the husband.

Our affair ended three months ago
'cause she found out.

Like everything else since high school,
it was all my fault.

I ruined a happy family.

So that's why nobody
wanted you to come tonight?

But I had to come. For Xavier.

- My bad.
- Xavier.

How's your night going?

I'm having the night of my life.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

It's been a long time.

Yeah, it has been a long time.

Yeah, like, so long that, like,

who even remembers anything
from back then kind of long, right?

- No one. And not me.
- Absolutely.

Same page, all right.

- It's, like, nothing back there.
- Yeah, childhood. Crazy.

No, I'm not crazy.

No, I wasn't saying, like…

Xavier.

Sorry, dude, this is so stupid.

But will you do the Legal Beagle voice?

"You can't handle the woof."

- Do it. Just do it.
- Okay. All right.

- You can't handle the woof!
- I love it.

- It's so good.
- Whatever.

- I remember it a little more growly, but...
- Yeah, no, I'm just...

For my plan to work,
I needed Xavier alone.

I needed him to trust me.

- Hey, Mr. Popular.
- Hey.

- Chelsea.
- Hey, Ned.

I'm still married and very fulfilled.

Sounds like it.

I just mean we should totally catch up.

I could save you
a seat next to me at my table.

That's really nice. I already got a seat.

Actually, I should probably
head over there, but...

- Okay.
- It was really nice talking with you.

- You too.
- And so, like,

- you know, we did that now.
- Yeah.

- Let's make it about tonight.
- Okay.

- All right. Good talk.
- Okay. All right.

I'll see you later, Eugene.

Okay. Breathe.

It's just your imagination.

It's just like Mom says.
You're unstable, out of your mind.

Hey.

Chelsea.

Who are you?

We're sorry,
your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Indigo. Hey.

Would you be interested
in helping to sell an organic,

immunity-boosting shake
made entirely of leaves and herbs?

You could work from home
and be your own boss,

and you wouldn't
have to vaccinate your kids.

No thanks, Indigo.
I don't want your, like,

mental poison,
pyramid scheme health shakes.

I wanted to know who was texting me.

See? It's real.

Let me see.

You know, they got websites
that make up numbers like this, right?

And they use it for all kind of stuff,
for like cyberbullying, stalking,

even freaky sexting.

- You've dealt with this before?
- Oh, yeah.

When I worked on
the Ruffin Twins case, you know,

the child beauty queens
that k*lled each other,

they used to send text messages

that were anonymous back
and forth to each other all the time.

But they talked in their twin language.
You really couldn't understand most of it,

but you know it was some nasty stuff.

- Twins are so weird.
- But who is your anonymous?

Who's your Tara-Belle
and your Crystal-Anne Ruffins?

Exactly.

My head was spinning.

The texts, the man following me.
Xavier, Brett.

I was scared and hurt. I needed answers.

Zoë. Aniq.

Oh, God!

Clumsy Chelsea.
I can't even hold my liquor, literally.

But there's a water fountain down there.

If you hit that right quick,

- I bet it'll come out.
- Yeah, okay.

All right, hey. I need you alone
for just one minute, okay?

- I'm not here to get in your way.
- You are currently literally in my way.

I just need to know,
is it you who's been sending those texts?

What? No. I don't want anything
to do with you.

- You have caused enough damage.
- I'm not damaged.

Hey, is it hot or cold water
for a cranberry stain?

Cold! Definitely cold.

Keep trying, man. I'm so tipsy.

Okay, I came here tonight
to set things straight.

- I know nothing I can say can fix this.
- You're right.

Think this is fine, yeah?
You can barely tell.

Yeah, that's good enough.

- Let's get out of here.
- Zoë.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, Jesus!

- Brett. God.
- You, again. What are you doing?

Someone's been following me.

He follows me all around,
and he goes, "Hey."

Chelsea, no one's following you, okay?

- It's you.
- I'm standing right in front of you.

- How could I be following you?
- Okay, all right, I'm an idiot.

- Okay, I'll see...
- No, wait. Have you seen Zoë?

I'm not here to be between you
and Zoë anymore, okay? I don't like it.

You're not even the reason
I'm here tonight.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that,
sweetheart.

I'm here to settle the score with Xavier,
and no one's gonna stop me.

So, tell me.

What did he do that made you
wanna settle the score with him?

For making my life the pile
of sh*t that it is right now.

For kicking off my downward spiral.

All traced back to that Saint Patrick's
Day party back in senior year.

There it is again.

Nobody talks about you and Brett f*cking,
but everybody talks about this damn party.

Now, something went down at that party,

and I wanna know what it is.

One night at a time.

See you at the after-party,
Xavier, you douche.

Chelsea.

You're not getting far.

Hey!

Please. Where is it?

- I will blind you!
- All right. Why?

'Cause you're chasing me!

Is that a vape pen?

What? It's pepper spray.

For defending myself against giant men.

Oh, my God.

I always think of myself as petite.

But wrongly.

- Why are you following me?
- So, you know what they say.

If you wanna open your car,
you gotta have…

I got your keys.

- Oh, my God.
- You dropped your keys on the way in.

I've been trying to catch up
to you all night.

Yeah. You should have just said,
"Hey, I have your car keys."

- Hey, I have... Yeah.
- Just to communicate

rather than continually chase and follow.

I was trying to stay far
so you didn't think I was near.

It's just... Yikes. But

thank you, man.

What was your favorite moment
of the night?

- I liked the cheese...
- Whoops.

Chelsea, what are you
doing here next to my car?

- It's so green.
- Do you want a ride?

- Yeah, that would be great.
- Get in here. Let's see what happens.

So who is that?
Is that the valet or something?

- Yeah. I think so.
- Okay.

Walt.

I got my own keys.

You okay?

It's just there's a lot going on.

I'm processing everything.

No, I get it. I was super nervous
seeing everybody again too.

- It's crazy.
- I'm just... I'm hanging on. Really.

Screw it.
It doesn't matter what happened in there.

We're gonna fix everything
at this after-party, right?

That's right.

God!

Hey. What the hell are you doing, Aniq?

Sorry. I saw two in your bag,

and I figured there was enough to share.

There's nothing but trouble in that bag.

So, what was in the flask?

Cat tranquilizers.

Now, I know you work
at the vet's office and everything.

You gotta keep
the cat tranquilizer in stock,

but you just putting it in the flask?

But these were for Xavier.

I was gonna roofie him and take pictures
of him naked and leak them to TMZ.

- That was my big revenge plan.
- You just sat back

and watched Aniq drink cat tranquilizer?

Plus ginger ale, whiskey
and a splash of lime. It was a cocktail.

A Kentucky mule for cats?
You drugged him, girl.

Aniq drugged himself, okay? On accident.

But it was really only a sip.
He's kind of a lightweight.

One look at that guy, and you're like,

"This is an individual who cannot
handle their pet sedatives."

Aniq, I need you to listen to me
very carefully. You've been drugged.

By Xavier. What did he do?
Put something in my drink at the gym?

Trust me, I know that Xavier is a petite
douche, but he didn't do it, okay?

It was…

Let's get you some water, okay?

That's a good idea.

Oh, my God.

All right. There you go.

Okay. How you doing?

I'm good.

Because I have some unfinished business
to attend to.

I know what you're up to.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You're gonna poop.

You're a party pooper.

Yeah. You got me.
I'm gonna take a big poop. Okay.

And now I know a secret.

And then she shows up
at the reunion like that's normal?

I can't believe we were ever friends
with her. What a bitch.

- Freaking b-word.
- Hey. No. You don't get to use that word.

- Yeah, no. I forgot that. Sorry, baby.
- We've talked about this.

She's really not in a good place.

Like, drinking, dr*gs, Phish concerts.

And p*rn addiction.
That's why she got off Facebook.

And did you see her hair? It looks
like she made out with a tornado.

Tornado. Straight up.

It's just Jewish hair. That's all.

- Hey.
- Hey.

That explains its texture.

- So much volume. It's great.
- No, we love Jews.

Eat my ass.

What the hell, Brett?

I was in a free fall.

I told you she was losing it.
She should've stayed home.

- This is what she gets.
- God. I hate her,

but I do love those shoes.

This wasn't a reunion. It was hell.

I was their fool.
And they were all laughing at…

It's prank o'clock.

Are you 12 years old, dude?

- It's funny.
- Jesus.

- You don't get it.
- Oh, my God.

You're the only one
that I trust here, man.

Mostly because you're unconscious,
which I fully caused.

Listen, I came to fix things tonight,

and I just keep causing
more and more disaster.

You're so good, Aniq.

I was tired of chaos.
It was time to finish this.

Before someone finished me.

I had to act, but I was too afraid.

And in a chaos this dark,
any guiding light would suffice.

Chelsea.

- You're gonna die…
- How?

…when you hear that Xavier and I
are about to record a song together

right there in that studio
and change the course of music forever.

Good for you.

I had some plans tonight too,
but they didn't really pan out.

So, I'm gonna head out.

Stop.

Listen, if there's anything
that I learned tonight, it's this.

You don't just get one sh*t in life.
You gotta take that second sh*t.

Carpe the hell out of that diem.

No, it's too late.

No. You know why? Do you wanna know why?

Yeah.

Because you're in control, Chelsea.
Nobody else. You. You got this.

God. I think I just needed to hear that
once in my damn life. I'm in control.

- Yes.
- Maybe I've always been in control.

- Yes!
- Thank you, Yasper.

- Did I just inspire you?
- I mean, fully.

Can I write a song about this?

- Don't use my name.
- You got it. Okay.

Hey, hey, party people!

"X" marks the spot, am I right?

'Cause I'm X,

and this is my spot.

All right.
But for real, big-ups to Hillmount High.

Okay, we started at the upper-middle,
and now we here.

I head back to LA tomorrow for
the Kids' Choice Awards, but for tonight,

mi casa is… I mean,
you know how the rest of that goes.

We gonna live forever!

Oh, no. We've got a sitter.
We should probably get going.

It's late for a school night.
I have Pilates in the morning.

Hi.

- Hi. Hey.
- It's funny running into you here.

It's my house.

I was just kidding.

- So was I.
- We never got that chance to catch up.

Maybe we should go somewhere more private.

Damn. Yeah, no. I'm, like, pretty busy.

Just all these people,
gotta give them what they want.

- Just spread the X.
- Come on. What's a couple minutes?

The lights
are, like, flashing in my bedroom.

I should probably check that out,

'cause
it might be like a Parasite situation.

I never actually saw that movie,
but I read the plot summary on Wikipedia,

and, like, the dude was in the bunker
the whole time.

Like... All right, peace.

I knew he was avoiding me.
But to get closure, I had to take control.

No flashing lights?

What?

Nah.

Would you like one?
I made a drink special for you.

Okay. Yeah.

sh*t. That's my name.

That's right.

Wait. Stop.
That's filled with cat tranquilizers.

So, like, sip instead of gulp?

No. Like, don't drink it. It's, like,
a dangerous amount, not a fun amount.

- I'm, like, confused.
- Okay, I have a confession to make.

I came here tonight to knock you out,
take pictures of you naked,

and leak it on the Internet.

Wow. Okay. First off, I've already
leaked those types of photos of myself.

And second, I guess you're still feeling
a grudge about the…

Saint Patrick's Day party? Yeah.

You f*cked me over.

After that party, I was stranded.

Everybody thought
I was a crazy, lying monster.

Even I believed it eventually.

Till I started making these trash choices.

Till I had this trash life,
and I blamed you for all of it.

- Look, I didn't mean it.
- I don't even want your weak apology.

Now that I'm here,
I actually just need to know

that you know that you're an assh*le

and a douche.

Yeah. I...

Yeah?

Why don't you speak it for me?

So, I'm, like...

I'm, like... I'm, like, an assh*le.

And a douche.

Now sing it.

I'm, like, an assh*le

And a douche

Auto-Tune really does wonders for you.

I really don't need anything more
from you after that.

- Except for you not to drink that. Stop.
- Oh, right.

- The cat...
- Go pour it out.

Cat poison. Yeah. All right.

It wasn't the ending I had imagined,

but it was a new beginning.

A chance to finally take control
of my life.

My second sh*t.

Was there a blond wig in this, by the way?

No. What a weird and specific question.

When I came down,
most everyone had gone home.

It was my last chance to catch…

Zoë. Hi, hey. Could I just
talk to you for just one second?

Just one thing and then
you don't have to talk to me ever again.

- Or look at me.
- Cool.

So, I just wanna say

that I'm really, really sorry.

You deserve a hundred thousand
apologies from me.

Yeah, I do.

It was so gross and wrong,
and I totally regret it.

I've made so many bad choices,

and this is, like, the worst one,
and I'm ready to own it.

It wasn't even worth it because Brett is…

Bad at sex. You can say it.

Brett is bad at sex.

The sex with him is…

A rush to the finish line.

Yeah. I'm like, "This is not a sport."

And then just, like,
the constant high fives.

Who won here?

- What are you high-fiving for?
- Not us.

- No. We lost.
- Yeah, big-time.

I was surprised
he didn't work in construction,

'cause it felt like he was trying to,
like, destroy a sidewalk.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

- You deserve better. You deserve a lot.
- Thank you.

And, okay, also, it's a strange time

to have an opinion on your love life,

but Aniq's awesome.

And I just feel like
he has his sh*t together.

How great is this party?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Where am I? Why am I wet?

I don't think this is really
a good time to judge him.

- Are you okay? Is everything all right?
- Who did this? It was Xavier, wasn't it?

- No, it wasn't Xavier.
- Xavier did this to me. Again.

- Aniq.
- Where is he?

Aniq, maybe tonight's the night
to let go and just move on.

This isn't the past. It's still happening.

But not anymore.

I'll be right back.

Aniq.

Aniq, come on, man.

So, I'm just supposed to believe
that you had a change of heart

and didn't want to k*ll him anymore?

I never planned to k*ll him, and I didn't.

You can check for traces
of cat tranquilizers in the flask

against Xavier's blood.

It's not in there. He didn't drink it.

It's the fall that k*lled him.
You had the biggest grudge against him.

So tell me, what happened
at that Saint Patrick's Day party?

- I'm moving on.
- Well, move on tomorrow,

'cause we need to know
who k*lled him tonight.

Xavier's k*ller may be the person
that's been threatening you.

You know, the texts stopped coming in,
actually, when Xavier was k*lled.

- Maybe it was him.
- Maybe.

But his phone wasn't on his person.
Help me out.

That Saint Patrick's Day party
was a big night for all of us.

And... Oh, my God, Aniq.

What happened to Aniq?

No.

No, I was just like,
"Oh, my God. You know? Eek."

He was just there.

- And the...
- Culp.

Get Aniq in here right now.

You know what? I misspoke.
Please leave him out of this.

- He's a good guy.
- Now,

when he woke up pants-less and wet,

you said that Aniq said

Xavier did this to him again.

Again. Right?
That's what you said he said, right?

Yeah.

So, was the first time at that party?

We can't find him.

Son of a bitch!

What, did he fall into some portal
that's sucking everybody up?

Look, find Aniq.
I need to talk to him now.

And actually look for him.

You're acting like this is a two-bedroom
house. Look in every f*cking room.

sh*t.