01x01 - Aniq

[bunniefuu]

["Angel" playing]

[song continues]

[turn signal clicking]

[song stops]

[chattering, laughing]

She wants to see you. You wanna see her.

Nothing can ruin this night.

[screaming]

[man] No!

- [woman yelling]
- [others screaming, shouting]

[man] Xavier!

- [engine revs]
- [tires squeal]

[dissonant piano chords play]

[screams]

[chattering]

[bottles clink]

[film projector whirring]

[roars]

[siren wailing]

[police radio chatter]

- [sirens wailing in distance]
- [cell phone rings]

[police radio chatter]

Hey, Cap.

[man] Danner, what are you
doing at Xavier's place?

Okay, you got me.

I heard it on the scanner.
I picked up Culp.

- Let me take the lead.
- Hey, Captain.

You can't, okay?
You're not right for it, okay?

- Come on, Greg. You know I can do this.
- [Culp] Look at this place.

I can't risk it, Danner.
It's too high-profile.

Chief already called in a ringer from LA.

- A ringer? Who?
- A ringer?

Detective Germain.
He caught the Tar Pits Strangler.

Oh, I know who he is. He's garbage, man.

Well, it doesn't matter. He'll be
on the first flight in the morning.

He's taking lead detective.

What if I solve the case
before he gets here?

Look. The victim was having an after-party
for his high school reunion.

The guests are still in the house.

You could collect simple statements,
nothing more. This is not your case.

- Do you understand?
- Copy.

What did he say?

All right, everyone.
I'm lead on this case.

Lead on the case!

[Danner] Captain wants answers
by the morning for this celebrity death.

She is in charge, as am I.
Again, we are both in charge.

- All right.
- Oh, my God.

It is really him. It's Xavier.

I need to take a moment. [clears throat]

Okay, so the victim seems
to have fallen from his house.

It could be an accident or su1c1de.

No shirt? Mmm. His jacket's wet.

- You gonna sniff him like that?
- Mm-hmm.

Yep. Whiskey and ginger ale.

Oh, my God.

There's shrimp everywhere.
Cooked shrimp, so not from the ocean.

[Danner] There's a blond wig over there.

Was someone playing
"dress up and k*ll the rock star"?

There's something underneath him. Hmm.

[Culp grunts]

Okay. We got a hat.

Can I get one of those yellow things
with the numbers on 'em? Thank you.

Now how can it be a su1c1de
if he's laying on top of the hat, huh?

The hat would fall off of his head
and float down. The hat came down first.

Okay, maybe not a su1c1de.
What if it's an accident?

What if he's looking out at the view
over the balcony?

Plate of shrimp cocktail. He looks down.
"I'm not wearing a shirt."

It's literally the first time that night
he's realizing it.

The shock from that jostles the hat.
It falls off the balcony.

- He g-goes to get it.
- [Danner] I don't think so.

- 'Cause he has a contusion on his nose.
- Someone punched him in the nose.

This is a m*rder.

How did this all go so wrong?

I didn't do it.

It's okay, man. Nobody thinks you did.

[woman on couch cries] It's just--

[crying continues]

I just-- I can't. [sniffles]

I can't. I just-- You-- I just--

Yes. Yeah. I guessed the,
uh, Wi-Fi password.

[chuckles] If anybody needs it,
it's, um, "xavier," all lowercase.

Uh, "xavier." [chuckles] No?

More bandwidth for me. [chuckles]

Hello, everyone. I'm Detec--

- [Culp] Whoa. Whoa.
- [Danner] Whoa, whoa. sh*t.

Just slipped on a puddle right there.
That's weird.

I'm, uh, Detective Danner. And this--

The hell is a arrow in the--

God, a shrub X?

The hell is goin' on up--

Culp. Uh, I'm Detective Culp. [chuckles]

[Danner] Mmm. You rich people love to ski.
Don't even need snow.

Y'all some messy white folks,
I'll tell you that much. Oh, hey.

Uh, we will be
collecting statements shortly.

So, get comfortable, folks.
But not too comfortable.

Like wool pajamas. [chuckles]

Yes. And no social medias, please.
We don't wanna turn this into a circus.

Even though it looks like

Barnum and Bailey's
done came through this bitch.

- Xavier's on TV. Dude, turn it up.
- [man on TV] ...sources on social media

confirm pop star, actor

- and celebrity humanitarian, Xavier...
- [whispers] f*ck.

...was found dead tonight,

his body discovered on the cliff
below his second home in Belvedere

during an after-party
for his high school reunion.

We get more now from Linda Dela Rosa.

Linda, can you give us the juicy details?

I'm here outside Xavier's
Marin County compound

where there is no word yet from police

on whether foul play was a factor
in this unthinkable tragedy.

Xavier was born Bay Area resident
Eugene Xavier Duckworth Jr.,

the son of the owner of
coffee chain Gene's Beans.

At the age of , Xavier went platinum
with the song "X Marks the G-Spot"

- off his album Somebody Xave Me.
- ♪ She said X marks the G-spot ♪

♪ On her pleasure map
Shorty, she a freak ♪

From there, he turned to acting,

starring in jungle adventure
Hungry Hungry Hippos,

and securing a
People's Choice Award nomination

for his portrayal of Daryl Hall
alongside Channing Tatum's Oates

in the musical biopic Private Eyes.

[yells]

You see that?
That right there is what we need.

- A broken record?
- No, a smash hit!

This city will put you in its mouth,
bite you up and spit you out.

It's a-- It's an eater of men.

Wait.

What did you just say?

- Grab your a*. It's chart-breaking time.
- Let's break them charts.

Come on. Let's eat.

- Okay. You go high. I'll go the same high.
- Okay.

And a one, and a--

- Turn that mess off.
- Yeah. Of course.

Now, everybody, uh, stay tuned.

You are wet.

[Culp] Soaking wet.

[Danner]
We'll be right back. Y'all stay put.

[sighs]

[sighs] Brett.

How many times tonight
have I told you I don't wanna talk to you?

- Three times.
- So why are you talking to me?

Because I know what you're hiding
in your car.

And I know what you said to me
in the hallway at the reunion.

- So...
- So nobody needs to say anything.

About anything.

- Good.
- Good talk.

That's all there needed to be said.

- Then why are we still talking?
- We're not.

You are. You just said that.

Just 'cause it seems like you need
the last word and it annoys me.

- Well, now I'm ending it.
- Good.

There are some scrapes here
on the railing.

- Could be the signs of a scuffle.
- Shh! Can't hear.

- [Brett] Done.
- Now it is, yes.

One, two, three...

- Didn't agree to a one, two, three.
- ...over. Ah, my God!

[woman] Great.

So, we got Mr. Aggro and the train wreck.
[sighs]

Get the cornstarch.

- The plot thickens.
- Mmm.

There's a drop of blood here
on the balcony floor,

which is probably from Xavier
getting punched in the nose.

And there are no security cameras
in sight.

And beep boop boop beep ba bap beep boop--

I could be saying anything
because you're not listening.

Oh, my God.

Don't you care about the--

Blood on the floor? Sure.

But I care more about

adorkable lover boy
eyeing uptight artist girl.

Okay. He obviously is adorkable,
but how do you know she's an artist?

Ink on her hands.

Pay attention, Culp.
We're solving a m*rder.

Okay. There's too many of you
to take down to the station.

So, I'll be interviewing you all here.

And I wanna talk to
every single one of you.

Because the truth is,
any one of you could be the m*rder*r.

Now, you all went to
your high school reunion this evening.

For what, second chances?

At life?

Love?

Something else?

Emotions are high.

Someone pushes your buttons,
and all of a sudden,

snap, bam! [shouts]

You lose it!

So it'll take a few hours.

- [man] Are you serious?
- Hours? Why?

[Danner] What else you got to do
in the middle of the damn night?

Why? We all know that Aniq k*lled him.

Oh, my God. No, I didn't!

- I'm guessing you're Aniq?
- She's good.

Did you actually see him k*ll Xavier?

- No, but I did--
- Sit your ass down.

You should be ashamed of yourself
wearing heels that pregnant.

It's not good for your back.

Look. So, did anyone here
actually witness Xavier's m*rder?

- No, ma'am-- Officer.
- No.

- No.
- [Danner] The m*rder*r did.

Everyone else doesn't know what happened,

because we're all stars of our own movie.

The same thing could happen,
but you see it in a different way.

And as a part of my process,
I like to talk to each person.

I wanna hear your story.
I wanna hear your mind movie.

- [mouthing words] Mind movie?
- You gather all that together,

- then you can get at the truth.
- Agreed.

And the truth is that Indigo saw Aniq
at the scene of the crime.

Indigo, tell her.

Darling, avec plaisir.

I was on the lower balcony
with the Jennifers

while Ned was performing
a ski-based art project

on a passed-out Aniq.

Oh, Ned. Come onto the terrace with me
and stop taunting Aniq with your pranks.

This is more than a prank.

This is a metaphor
for society's illusion of stability.

What? Whoa. Okay, dude, I... [stammers]
...do not know what that means.

I was over there doing the perfect prank:
when you spill beer on a guy.

Funny as hell.

Meanwhile, strangely from above,
Xavier urinated off the balcony

- right onto Jenn number one.
- Oh, what is that?

[Jennifer ] I believe
Xavier is urinating on your head.

Oh, God!

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Ned!

[Indigo] She called her husband
to help her wash it off--

But the bathroom was occupied
with someone dropping a deuce, Officer.

- [chuckles]
- [Indigo] And then

light, sound, chaos.

- [Indigo] Television.
- [Danner] Oh, and what was on TV?

[Indigo]
I try to avoid looking at screens.

[Yasper on TV] How great is this party?

[Indigo] Whatever it was, it woke up Aniq.

[groaning] Who did this?

Xavier. Xavier did this.

Where is he? He did this.

Is he still up there?

Aniq. Calm down, my friend.
This wasn't Xavier's fault.

Find your center.

No, friend.

The center won't hold. This ends now.

[Aniq breathes deeply]

[wet floor squeaks]

[Indigo] He went upstairs very angry.

And then...

[Aniq] Oh! Oh, no!

[Jennifer ]
What on earth made that terrible sound?

[Indigo]
And that is when they saw the body.

[Jennifer screams]

[yells]

- [Jennifer gasps] I think he's dead. Oh!
- [Ned yells again]

- [Jennifer ] Are you okay?
- [others] Xavier!

Oh, no.

Okay. So, we've heard one story.

I don't know what kind of weird art house
movie's going on in your mind,

but it leads to one guy.

All right, Mr. Scribble Face.

Let's find somewhere private. You're up.

- Culp, stay, please.
- [Culp] I know.

Look who's in charge now.
And I'm not scared.

[Danner clears throat]

[doors close]

So, I know things are looking bad for you,
but I would just try to stay calm.

Now, do I have a list of
the remaining houseguests here? Let--

Clockwise in the room as you saw them
were Indigo, Jenn , Ned, Zoë, Brett,

Yasper, me, Chelsea,
and I think his name is Walt.

You one of those smarties, huh?

I mean, yeah. I guess so.
What is all this stuff?

I figured you'd probably be
a little nervous.

And this keeps you relaxed.
Makes it kinda fun.

I'm not having fun,
in case that was your goal.

Well, my goal is to find out
who k*lled Xavier.

But it'd be nice to have some fun
in the process.

Someone d*ed. I could be arrested.

Only if you did it.

But, look, I want to hear
your side of the story.

You wanna hear my mind movie, yeah?

Exactly. That's right.
Now, come on. Bring it.

Hit me with it from the top, okay?

I wanna hear everything that happened.
Now, all the details of the whole night.

Okay? Now tell me, why'd you come tonight?

Uh, it's embarrassing.

Come on.

Fine.

I came... [sighs] ...for love.

Who you love? Tell me.

Yeah, I came for Zoë.

We were chemistry partners
back in high school.

We didn't just have chemistry together.

We had chemistry together.

But wasn't meant to be.

Then I found out about her divorce.

And a week ago, she sent me an email
asking me to come.

And it had a...

Smiley face emoji. What does that mean?

Oh, Aniq. What's going on, man?

It's been, like, two years.

Yasper.

Oh!

- [Aniq] Whoa! Good to see you.
- Good to see you, man.

I'm so happy you came.
Let me see this new jacket.

- Oh, this thing?
- I know you just got-- Yeah. Oof!

You look incredi-- Ah! Distinguished.

- Thank you. You look great. Look at you.
- Well, I don't know.

I've been working out a lot.

- Have you heard of Pilates?
- I have.

I haven't done 'em yet,
but I've heard of 'em.

You know what could do to up your game?
You should probably take my tie.

It's basically like an arrow
pointing to your dong.

Oh. Well, Yasper, then what
would point to your dong?

You just saved my life. You're right.

[Yasper] Have you gotten my texts
about Zoë being single?

Yes. And thank you for those.

Oh, look at Chelsea.

- What happened to her?
- [Yasper] Hey, Chelsea.

- [gasps] Oh. Hey.
- [clattering]

Uh, were you guys following me?

- No. We're not following you.
- No.

I mean, um, hey, Yasper and Aniq.

She had a total breakdown.
Went absolutely insane.

Oh. Class prez to hot mezz.

Yes. Oh, but you know who's not a mess?
Excuse me, sir. May I have one of these?

Oh, I'm sorry. What's this?
Why is your hand like this?

Think I was hiding an Oreo cookie
in my hand.

See, that's why it's a great picture.
Because you have a secret.

And look at th-- Oh, my God.

This guy is right next to--
Are you serious?

It's kismet. [kisses]

These guys together. That's why
they put you next to each other.

I mean... I just don't wanna
get my hopes up, you know?

It feels like every time we got close
in high school,

some rich, handsome guy would just
come swooping in and get between us.

Stop. You're not in high school anymore.
Now you're the rich, handsome guy.

Oh, thank you. I'm certainly not rich.

- But I have been working out.
- Zoë.

Not for Zoë, for my own
personal enrichment actually.

- No, Zoë. Zoë, Zoë.
- I did CrossFit, but--

- Zoë, Zoë. Get a--
- Oh, hey, Zoë.

- Hey. [squeals] Oh, no.
- [balloons popping]

[Zoë] Oh, my God.

- [Zoë chuckles]
- Oh, hi.

[both chuckle]

- Hey. Here. I got you this.
- Okay.

- That's so thoughtful. Thank you.
- Oh, of course.

- Yeah. [stammers]
- Oh. Oh, whoa!

[both laugh]

- Okay.
- [chuckles] Fair.

That's good. I don't know my own strength
'cause I've been working out so much.

- Oh.
- Don't know if you've seen that?

How strong do you have to be
to pop a balloon?

[chuckles] Still a smart-ass, I see.

- Um...
- It's, uh, really good to see you, Zoë.

Yeah, you too, Aniq.

Yeah.

So, I will see you inside?

I'll probably see you in there.
I gotta punch the rest of these balloons.

- I'll probably be in there after that.
- You be careful out here.

[chuckles]

My God. Oh, my God.

It is a miracle that these balloons
didn't go up in flames

because you two had some serious sparks.

- You tell me you didn't feel that.
- I don't know, maybe.

Maybe? No.

Maybe it was amazing!
Did you see that? Oh, my goodness!

It's, like, just, ah!
It was incre-- I'm-- I'm sorry.

- Are you sure you wanna know all this?
- I am here for it.

You had a meet cute.
You got the crazy, wild, obnoxious friend.

Well... [stammers] ...I guess so.

I haven't felt these kind of rom-com vibes

since Hugh Grant met Julia Roberts
in his little bookstore.

- Yeah, right.
- Come on. Tell me what happened next.

Do not leave out any details.

Matter of fact, I need my popcorn.

You actually have popcorn.

Uh, yeah.

- Can I get one piece?
- Yeah.

It's good, right? It's low-fat.

- You feel good, right?
- I'm excited. I do.

- That's because love.
- Yeah.

[chuckles] Hey, Aniq.

- Hey, man.
- Do you remember me?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Long time.

Yeah. [chuckles] So, what's my name?

Whoa. Coming in real hot. Uh...

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Um, um, Slam? Slamps? Slamps?

- Slamps?
- No. Uh, it's Walt.

- Sure?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Uh-- Walt. Yes.

- [Walt] Yeah, cool.
- Well, this is fun.

Oh. So good to have fun with you again.

Did you actually go to this school,
or what's the whole thing?

Yeah. We were all in
the same chemistry class with Mr. Shapiro.

I got a bunch of yeast in my ear
that time and you all--

You didn't say anything about it, or no--
[chuckles]

[sniffs] I can't believe this. I--

No one ever paid attention to me
in high school.

Tonight will be different. [chuckles]

I'll make sure they don't forget.

Not this time.

Well, it's gonna be hard
to get any attention tonight.

Not with Xavier coming.

- Oh, my God. I can't believe he's coming.
- I actually gave him his start.

We were actually in a band
together in high school.

- Oh, yeah. Ska-pe Diem.
- Ska-pe Diem.

You remember Ska-pe Diem? Right?
We shredded the MLK Day barbecue.

This one. [scats]

♪ And now the sky's the way to go ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Come on ♪

[Yasper] I'm still making songs today.

And I'm trying to get Xavier
to bless my track.

Bless your track? Is he a priest?

Oh! [chuckles]

Sorry. That's so funny. [chuckles]

- Just like at school.
- [helicopter whirring]

Oh, my God. He's here. We-- Are we good?

[people cheering]

- Dude knows how to make an entrance.
- [man] Xavier's here!

[Aniq] Look. Zoë too?
This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I talk to Zoë for the first time in years,

and a rich, good-looking guy
literally swoops in out of the sky.

- [people cheering]
- Come on. Stop.

Come on.
It's not about me tonight, all right?

I'm just here to reune
like all you normal people.

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Xavier.
- All right.

Let me get a selfie. Yo, yo.

- [chuckles]
- Aight. Do the angle even higher,

it's sexy, all right?

You're an amazing dude.
Tonight is your night.

- [sighs]
- You got this.

Yeah, all right.

- You're right.
- Whoops.

- I'm not gonna do that again.
- Good.

[woman speaks indistinctly]

[Aniq] The Jennifers.

- Oh!
- Hey.

- Hi. Oh, my gosh. You guys.
- Gosh, you guys are here.

- Aniq. Yasper.
- I know you, you idiot.

[chuckles] Um, so, listen.
Grab your name tags and hand them to me.

I'm gonna write down everyone's jobs
for networking purposes.

My husband Ned's idea.

- You remember Ned?
- Mm-hmm.

I wish you guys could
meet my husband, Joshie.

But he's in Tokyo.
He's doing a deal with PoochKicks.net.

It's an NBA-grade sneaker for dogs.

So, uh, what is it that you two do?

I'm actually the owner of my very own
audiovisual installation company,

but my true love, it's music.

And that means you will probably enjoy
karaoke hour inside.

- I will. You're right. [chuckles]
- Good. Good, good.

Do you work?

Oh. Yeah, yes. Uh, I design escape rooms.

Like the fire department?

Ye-- It's-- It's, like, a-- a room.

It's, like, a phenomenon.
It's-- It's, like, a room you go into.

Uh, and then the idea
is to get out of the room.

- Then you solve clues--
- That's any room.

Well, yes. Exactly. But this one,
the room itself, it's a puzzle.

The current one is Christmas-themed.
It's called Santa Claustrophobia.

- [Yasper chuckles]
- I love Santa, but I'm Jewish.

Well, no. You just wrote Santa Claus.
I'm-- Can I see that?

You made that holiday-themed
escape room in the Mission?

Yeah. You-- You know it, huh?
Yeah. Actually I designed it.

I was so stuck in there.

I kept on calling that attendant like,
"Hello. I need a clue.

Hello? Hello?
Do you got another clue for me?"

I needed all the clues.

Oh, okay.

As a detective, you weren't able
to just, like, take the clues

and-- and apply that to the--
the puzzle itself and then solve the pu--

Not how my brain works.

I'm more of a social dynamics
type of person.

Anyway, go on.

Oh, boy.

- You ready for this?
- Yeah.

- Do you feel good?
- I do. Really good.

I'm gonna stick by you.
I know how you're nervous.

Are you serious, Janet? You're here?

♪ I know that I was blind, and,
darling if I could turn back time ♪

♪ If I could find a way ♪

♪ I'd take back those words
that hurt you ♪

♪ And you'd stay ♪

♪ If I could reach the stars ♪

♪ I'd give them all to you ♪

♪ Then you'd love me, love me ♪

♪ Like you used to do ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ If I could turn back time ♪

I mean, turning back time?

♪ If I could turn back time ♪

I mean, she's gotta be
telling me something, right?

- Are you talking to me?
- [Zoë] ♪ If I could turn back time ♪

Oh, angel.

We're all just withering sacks of flesh.

I actually wasn't talking--
How are you? I hope good.

Holy moly, ravioli. Are you seeing this?

Do you see what's happening right now?
She's singing to you.

- You should sing a song back to her.
- Ooh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, this song is dedicated to
my former chemistry partner.

Here's to reconnecting old covalent bonds.

[song starts]

I'm sorry. This is the wrong song. Sir--

Ooh! That's a great song!

♪ All you ladies pop your diplomas
Like this ♪

♪ Shake your feminism ♪

Oh. [chuckles]

[Aniq] This is-- This is the wrong song.
[stammers]

- You should--
- [song playing]

♪ Respect it good ♪

♪ Attend this reunion
Just like you should ♪

- ♪ Right now ♪
- Oh, no.

This is the wrong-- I know you can hear me
'cause I'm on a microphone.

- You're nailing it!
- ♪ My neck, my back ♪

♪ Marion Barry did some cr*ck ♪
Remember him?

♪ My neck, my back ♪

♪ I like my pancakes in a stack ♪

Can you turn the song off?
At this point, it's just cruel.

- [song stops]
- Eh-- Oh.

[mouthing words] Thank you.

- That's so embarrassing. I mean--
- [chuckles] It really was.

Oh, my God.

That was supposed to be "Angel" by Shaggy.

Oh. I love that song.

Ah. You two look like you're having fun.

- Hey.
- Hey, Xavier. How you doing?

What's up, man?
Zoë, I noticed no one got you a drink yet.

So, I got you a Kir Royale.
Match your dress.

- That is so thoughtful. Thank you.
- That's very sweet.

Um...

Wow. Look at you, Xavier. Xa--
"Ex-avier"? What-- How do you--

- Whichever way you like.
- Okay.

- [Xavier] Yeah.
- Cool.

- You're really famous. [chuckles]
- Yeah, I don't know.

I'm kind of getting swarmed or whatever.
Everybody wants a piece of X-tasy.

- Did you get it?
- Oh. Yeah, no. I did. I got it.

Listen, I'm trying to curate the people
at my table for dinner.

You know, make sure everyone's cool,
keep out the riffraff.

- Saved you a seat.
- Oh, cool.

Thank you. Um, is there room for Aniq?

There's only one seat left.

- Well, I-- I'm cool with squeezing.
- Oh.

No. It's all good. You go ahead.
Uh, maybe we'll catch up later. Yeah?

- Are you sure? Okay.
- Go ahead. Yeah, all good.

- Bye, Aniq.
- All right, catch you.

- [Xavier] Well, yeah. That's what I said.
- [Aniq] It's my fault. I let it happen.

Stop. What are you doing?
You're a pleasant, wonderful man.

There is nothing Xavier has
that you don't.

Uh, a Grammy?

- Yeah.
- People's Choice Award.

Mm-hmm, he's got that.

MTV Movie Award for best comedy sex scene.

[laughs] That was so funny.

You're like, "How is he gonna--
Oh, that's how?" [laughs]

- Yeah, the upside-down part was just fun.
- Oh. Okay, he's cool.

And he's got a lot of things.
How about this:

Zoë's last husband was Brett.
You are definitely better than Brett.

That's true. Brett's the answer
to the question of,

"What if a human butt
could wear a jacket?"

- [laughs] Like the--
- What's up?

- Hey, Brett.
- What a cool dude you are.

Oh, my God. I really don't like Xavier.

We were actually saying
something very similar.

I hate him. I hate his little
purple-suit-wearing, Bieber-hair ass.

Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I mean, why wear a suit
if you're not gonna wear a shirt?

You wanna show off, what,

you don't have hair on your body,
and you got muscles? Wow.

- Right. It's--
- You know, in some countries,

if the man doesn't have hair
when he turns , they k*ll you.

- I don't know where that would be.
- They k*ll you.

- What country is this?
- It happens. You ever been to Hungary?

- [Yasper] Yeah, of course.
- Yes, I have, actually.

Do you know what town it is?

If Xavier touches Zoë,
I'm gonna flipping lose it.

Yeah, maybe don't gesture
with the Kn*fe so much.

If anyone touches her, I'm gonna k*ll him!

[indistinct]

So, what you are telling me is
Brett is Zoë's ex,

and he threatened to k*ll Xavier?

Brett said he'd k*ll anyone
who touched Zoë.

So at the time,
I was more worried about myself.

[Yasper] Two hands?

- I don't wanna-- Let's forget about it.
- Don't look at the Kn*fe.

You know what time it is?

- It's like--
- It's Yasper time!

Do you know what that means?

I'm gonna distract Xavier
in a very subtle way.

You will not even hear me.
I'm gonna be like that little Twitter bug.

Know what I mean?
It's a bug. Twitter uses a bug?

- It's a bird. The whole point is--
- Whilst I do that,

you can go sneak off with Zoë.
It's a perfect plan.

Because I have music business
to talk about with Xavier anyway.

- Yeah, what about Brett?
- Don't worry about Brett.

Hiedy-hosh. Xavier? Is that you?

Oh, I'm blinded by the talent
for a second.

- What's going on, man?
- Yasper, what's up?

How you liking that AV equipment
I installed in your place, huh?

Because I was so flattered
you called an old friend to do the job.

Oh... [stammers] ...yeah, no.
My assistant chose the company we hired.

But that's cool man, you know?
Glad to help the cause.

Help the cause. But now it's like, "What?"
when you go in there. It's insane, right?

The remote.

Doesn't really work. It's kind of weird.

- I can explain it. Come over here.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

- Um, be right b?
- Sure.

Okay.

Mmm.

Uh, madam, might I interest you
in some bread this evening?

Mmm. Thank you, good sir. Yes.

I'm actually on an all-bread diet
right now.

So I'm gonna take the whole basket.

So wait, is it sort of like
a reverse keto?

Yeah, it's very bloating. Yeah.
But that's what I'm going for right now.

- I like a nice bloat.
- Ah. A bloat honestly suits you.

[chuckles, gasps]

That's not-- [stammers]

If you wanted to be, it wouldn't matter.

[laughs]

Isn't it so crazy to be here again
after all these years?

You know what? It's not for me,
because I'm here every day.

- Oh, wow! You're vice-principal?
- Yep.

I'm so sorry. I didn't even see that.
I didn't look at your name tag.

'Cause, you know,
I was just looking at you from the chin up

'cause I'm so respectful.

- Such a gentleman.
- Oh, well, you know.

Oh. The lights are dimming.
They're doing a thing.

- [Aniq] Oh.
- [Zoë gasps]

- Oh.
- [Zoë] Cute.

- [Aniq] Whoa.
- [Zoë chuckles]

["Somewhere Over the Rainbow" playing]

[Zoë] Why are they all of Brett and me?

Hey, do they still serve those delicious
chocolate cookies in the cafeteria?

Best part of my job.

- Do you think maybe as vice-principal--
- I'm gonna get my keys.

- Right, um...
- So what do you say?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I hope you enjoy this vintage wine.
It's a château whatever I could grab.

- [laughs]
- Uh, this bottle right here.

- Yum.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, this is a really cool mural.

Would you believe me
if I told you I painted it?

- Wow! What?
- Yeah. About two years ago.

- I used to be the art teacher.
- Aw, I love it.

It's very Shepard Fairey meets,
uh, a different artist's name.

- Do you know any other artists?
- I know two.

I know Shepard Fairey and you.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

[door opens]

[Chelsea] Hey.

- Hey.
- [Zoë] Chelsea.

I got something to say.
I got something to say.

- Right now. [chuckles]
- Wow, you are really drunk.

- You know? Oh!
- [both] Oh.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, Aniq!

- I'm sorry.
- No. That's okay. It'll come out.

- I'm just gonna rinse this. No, it's fine.
- That wasn't good. I am sorry.

- Hey, Zo! Hey.
- Hi. [chuckles]

- Okay, how are you?
- Yeah.

Like-- I-- Hey! Um, hey.

Or I could leave it.
I actually like it like this.

Kinda makes the flowers pop.

- Just leave it.
- We should go.

- We got a cookie emergency to get to, so…
- Oh, totally.

- Good luck with that.
- [Zoë] Let's just...

[Aniq] What was that?

Let's just get outta here
'cause I just wanna have some fun.

- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay. [chuckles]

- Mmm. Mmm.
- Mmm. Mmm.

- [chuckles] That laugh.
- [chuckles]

- You got something--
- Here?

It's right there.

Phew. You're welcome.

I see a little bit of sugar
on your nose too.

- There's more?
- I'm gonna help you get it.

In all these places?

One of the perks
of being vice-principal is... [gasps]

There is somewhere I have
kinda always wanted to go.

The mysterious teachers' lounge.

[Aniq gasps] Ooh.

Is it everything you dreamed it would be?

This is where we keep
the confiscated dr*gs.

Oh, my God!

- [woman laughs]
- Oh, Jesus!

- [man] Go, go, go, go!
- Oh!

[woman laughing]

Was that Mr. Shapiro,
the science teacher, and Quiet Heather?

Isn't it weird that I'm his boss now?

I'm gonna have to have a discussion
with him on Monday.

- Weed gummy?
- Oh. Yeah.

- I'm already starting to feel it.
- [chuckles] You're already high?

- Whoa! Zoë?
- Oh, okay.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

- Okay. Prepare to be stunned.
- [chuckles] Okay.

[Danner] Okay. So you guys
go here, there, you banter.

What happens after that? Did you kiss her?

- I'm getting to it.
- This probably how she felt,

like how I'm feeling right now.
Get to it already.

[Aniq] Okay. It's kinda hard to talk about
'cause it gets a little sappy.

Fifteen years. Wow.

Mmm. Okay. So,

- reunion questions.
- Okay.

- Are you happy?
- Oh. [chuckles]

Is your life everything
you hoped it would be?

Uh, well, there are certainly things
that I wish were different.

Yeah, I hear that.

Yeah.

Uh, sorry about your marriage.

Me too. Thank you.

A few months ago, I found out
he was cheating on me.

And that was it.

That sucks.

I mean, so-- some people are jerks.

[chuckles] He is, but he's not all bad.

Like, he is a really great dad
to our daughter.

I don't know. I guess if there's one thing
I've learned through this shitty situation

is that people are more complicated
than we think.

Like, what about you, Mr. Puzzle Man?

- [chuckles]
- I feel like

I could never really tell
what you were thinking in high school.

Oh, well, I mean...

maybe I was thinking

that I had a little bit of a crush on you
back in the day.

You never made a move.

Well, I mean, you know, it just
never felt like the right moment.

[thunder rumbles]

[both laugh]

What?

[chuckling] Oh, man.

[laughing] Does this ever happen?

- I don't think so. [laughs]
- [laughs]

[girl] Mommy!

Maggie? What are you doing here?

Family emergency.

I called Brett, like, a thousand times,
but no answer.

What? Forget what I said. He is the worst.
Okay, thank you.

I will take it from here.

[Zoë] All right.

I got the Bacardí. It's Limón.

I am so sorry. Do you mind, um,
keeping an eye on Maggie?

I need to talk to her father
using some adult language.

Absolutely. Yes.

Great. Okay, Maggie,
I-- I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ah. [grunts] Who's this?

- This is Kevin Koala.
- Kevin Koala?

Can I? Hey, thank you.

[Australian accent]
Hello! My name's Kevin Koala.

- [chuckles] You're silly.
- Oh, thank you.

Did you put bones in my mommy?

Um, sorry, what, hmm?

Daddy said he had to make sure
no one boned Mommy tonight.

- Did you do the bones?
- He said... [smacks lips] ...Ooh, ha!

Uh... [smacks lips, groans]

Uh, you know, let's ask Kevin, actually.
'Cause Kevin might know.

[Australian accent]
Say, Kevin, what do you think?

Well, that's a very sensitive subject.

Oh, oh! No, no. Crikey! Hey, it's uh--

No. No, no, no! No, no, no, no.

- You gotta trust me on this--
- Daddy!

[chuckles] Hey!

Oh! Hey, guys!

My juice tastes funny.

- [Zoë] Um, whose is that?
- Oh, it's-- That's my juice actually.

Mmm. Mmm.

- [gulping]
- Yuck.

[growls]

Yeah, this tastes fine to me.
[chuckles] Kids. Yeah.

- You okay?
- Yes.

Love juice.

All right, Mags.
Daddy's gonna take you home.

Okay.

What were we talking about?

Do you wanna maybe get a nightcap?

Aren't you coming to Xavier's after-party?

Oh, yeah.
Nah, yeah, I totally knew about that.

You know, I-- I could drive us actually.

But... [groans] ...I forgot my invite.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey!

Oh, hey, Xavier. Speak of the... you.

It's me.

Hey, I was just about to head out
in my copter.

Pretty sure you're coming to my house.
You need a ride?

- Uh, we're actually gonna drive--
- Wait, for real?

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

- Oh, my God, yeah.
- Oh, wow.

Wait, I would love to ride
in a helicopter tonight.

Yeah, me too considering, uh,
all conditions are safe.

It's interesting. You know, "helicopter"
comes from two words:

- hélico, uh, and ptère.
- Really?

Uh, ptère is to fly.

- Yeah, no, that's-- that's interesting.
- Yeah, hélico is helix.

You know, hey, go ahead.

- I'll meet you there.
- Oh--

Hey, um, you know, I'm just trying
to create, like, a fun, mellow energy.

And I'm feeling, like, a little
anxious energy coming off of you.

So, I just want her to have
a good time, you know.

No. Xavier, no.

You don't wanna deny Zoë
a little bit of fun, right? You get it.

I mean, I'm serious about her, okay?

That's good, man. I'm happy for you.

But sometimes you gotta let people
make their own decisions.

You should still come to the party though.
Alright? We'll see you there.

Will you at least give me the address
so I know where to go?

[no audible dialogue]

Wait, where's Aniq?

He wanted us to have a good time.
He said he'll meet us there.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

[mouthing words] I'll see you there.

[thunder rumbles]

Hold up. It was raining again?

Well, it felt like it was raining.
You know, emotionally.

But was it?

No, it was dry.

[Aniq]
The door was closed, literally in my face.

But then I had a look at that picture, and

then it hit me.

- [grunts]
- [tires screech]

Holy sh*t. Holy sh*t. Are you okay?
Don't be dead. Don't be dead.

- Don't be dead. Hello? Aniq?
- [moans] Oh.

- [grunts]
- Here we go. You okay?

I think I swallowed a molar,
but I-I'm fine. I'm fine.

- [stammers] I gotta get to that party.
- No. We gotta get you to a hospital, okay?

No. [gasps, grunts]

Zoë and me, we had a moment.

- We almost kissed.
- That's incre-- See, that's incred--

It almost makes you forget that
you just got run over by a car, right?

I gotta get to that party.

- This way. This way.
- Okay, Brett!

Aniq made out with your ex-wife.
And now he's going back for more.

- What? No.
- Aniq, I'm coming for you.

- We're moving. Here we go. We got this.
- Why is she in the car?

It's a whole thing. All right?
Let's go get your girl. Let's go.

- Get in. Get those feet in!
- Aniq!

No, no, no, no. Hey! Wait!

- [sighs]
- Whose car is this?

This is my car that I purchased
because of my incredible business acumen.

"Luxury Prestige Rentals."

- That's-- Oh.
- Oh, my God. Luxurious.

- Prestigious. Wow!
- No, that's a fake key chain,

- my man and woman!
- [Chelsea] No, it's not.

- I need a drink.
- I just bought it so people would laugh.

Wow. Yo! [gasps] Oh, my God!

Aniq, that's not for you.
Those are my personal things. You're nuts.

- [Brett] Hey! Hey! I'll k*ll all ya.
- Oh, my God. He's here.

- What?
- I'll k*ll all ya!

- What's he saying?
- What is he saying?

Roll down the window! Roll it down.
I'll k*ll all of ya!

Oh, my God. He's gonna do it!

- Go. Go, go, go!
- No, he's not.

- The light is red.
- Hit the shift!

- I'll k*ll all of ya!
- Please go! Go!

[Brett] k*ll all of ya!

- Go, go, go!
- Yeah, the speed limit. You got it, man.

- The speed limit, here it comes.
- Oh, my God. What a idiot!

[Chelsea laughs]

Oh, my God. He's right behind us.
Can't we go any faster?

It's a rental! You got me. I lied.
It's a rental.

I did it to try to impress you guys.
If I scratch it, I'm screwed.

[Aniq] Yeah, no kidding, pal.

[Yasper] No, you didn't know.
You know now.

If anything bad happens, I promise
I'll help you pay for it, okay?

Or at least help. Eventually.

What are you talking about--
What are you doing? Dude!

- [grunts] Taking a shortcut.
- Whoo!

[Aniq yelling]

- [yelling continues]
- [Chelsea] Whoo!

- [Yasper] Oh, my God. I'm gonna throw up.
- [Aniq] No, not in the car, bud.

I gotta get to Zoë.

[hip-hop music playing]

[music continues]

[Aniq] Whoa. This is a bit much.

Don't mind if I do. [laughs]

- To love.
- Ooh.

- Uh, take it easy, Lightweight. Come on.
- Ah. I'm fine.

Yeah, I just had, like,
a half a weed gummy.

So I'm, like, really feeling it.

But, you know... [stammers]
...I just gotta find Zoë.

Dude, I don't think
a bite of an edible did this.

Look at me.
How much have you had to drink?

[Aniq]
Then suddenly everything got real hazy.

Uh, just a-- just a couple,
uh, whiskeys, a wine.

- [Yasper] Oh. Wh-Wh-Whoa!
- [Chelsea] Whoa, Aniq.

- [Yasper] You okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hmm? Yeah, no, I'm good. Whoo!

This is a little--
little dizzy spell. Uh--

- Oh!
- Try to stand up straight.

- That one was on purpose.
- Oh!

- Not that one, right? You're going back--
- That one wasn't. Yeah. I gotta find Zo.

[Aniq] But there is one thing that
I absolutely remember crystal clear...

- Oh. [chuckles]
- And you're also attractive yourself.

- [Zoë] Stop, really?
- [Aniq] Brett showing up.

Hey! Been looking all over for you.

You should ease off a little bit. Mmm.

- You're a bad person.
- What?

Shove.

- [Aniq grunts]
- [Zoë] Brett?

Oh, dead! Dead!

Aniq! Whoa! Are you okay?

Yeah, Brett knocked me into some shrimp.

You took 'em all out though, huh?

[together]
We're about to fight, aren't we?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Yellow giraffe.

- Oops, aggressive.
- [Brett, Xavier] Yellow giraffe!

[Aniq] I don't remember
what happened next with Xavier and Brett,

'cause I saw Zoë on the staircase.

I'll be right back.

And I knew this was it.

This was my last chance
to tell her how I really felt.

So I did a flaming Jell-O sh*t
to muster up some courage.

And...

I passed out.

- Well, that is very unsatisfying.
- Yeah.

Now I was here for your romantic romp
until we switched genres

into some abstract bullshit.

What happened after you woke up?

[Yasper on TV] How great is this party?

- [grunts, gasps]
- [bottles clattering]

[gasps]

[Xavier, Yasper on TV] ♪ Picking up
the rhythm, but also erasing hate ♪

- Wh--
- [Yasper on TV] Solo!

[guffaws]

- [Aniq] What happened?
- Ned!

- [Ned laughing]
- [Aniq] Uh, wh--

- [Ned] Yes! [laughs]
- Why are my--

Why are my pants down?

What is going on? Why am I wet?

Dude, you're soaking wet. What happened?

- Who did this?
- Uh...

- It was Xavier, wasn't it?
- No. Bet it's someone just having fun.

He keeps doing this to me.
But you know what?

I'm gonna explain to him that
it's not okay to treat people like this.

Hey. Are-- Are you okay?

There's some things I need to tell you.

But first, I gotta go see about
this assh*le.

Uh, not-- Uh, not my assh*le.

I mean, I'm... [stammers]
...talkin' about-- about somebody else.

Not somebody else's assh*le. [stammers]

I'll be right back.

Okay.

[Aniq] I wasn't gonna hurt him.

I was just hoping that
maybe Zoë would follow me.

I'd tell Xavier once and for all...

Xavier?

...even though
I'd missed my chance with Zoë...

Xavier?

...he wasn't worthy of her.

She'd overhear and realize
I was the man of her dreams.

Xavier?

But there was no one there.

And then I saw my face.

No!

- [woman yelling]
- Oh, no!

- [guests screaming]
- [woman] Someone call !

[screaming continues]

Oh, no.

Came downstairs to hear
that they found Xavier's body.

The end.

Wow. Your third act got some problems.

But I can't root for you, bud.

- What?
- Mm-mmm.

You admitted to having
a bitter rivalry with Xavier.

You also admitted to feeling like he was

- getting in your way with Zoë.
- Well, that's because--

You admitted to going upstairs
to confront him

- before he was found dead.
- But I said that--

I mean, you admitted to everything
that would lead you to being the m*rder*r

except for the actual m*rder.

Uh, oh. No, w-w-wait, wait, wait.
Sure I was-- I was mad at Xavier, y-yeah.

But what about Brett?
He was up there on the balcony, pissed.

Brett hated Xavier more than anybody.
Plus, he's a proven shover.

I'm not talking about Brett.
I'm talking about you.

- Look, I told everyone...
- Mm-hmm.

...that I was going upstairs
to talk to Xavier.

Why would I do that and then k*ll him?
That would be super dumb.

Love makes you do dumb things.
Maybe that's not even when you did it.

You said you had four drinks,
a Jell-O sh*t, and then you passed out.

That's a hard buy, even for a lightweight.

Are you suggesting
that I faked passing out

and just let everybody
write all over my face like this?

Well, this interview is done. Thank you.

I think we got off on the wrong foot here.

No, no, no.
We didn't get off on no feet, okay?

I have other houseguests to interview.

- 'Cause there's some--
- Thank you.

There's my guy! How'd it go with the cops?

- Horrible. She thinks I did it.
- Horrible?

[Aniq sighs]
She's never gonna find the real k*ller.

[Aniq sighs heavily]

[clicks tongue]

[breathes heavily]

You can solve this yourself.
You don't need to rely on her.

- You okay, man?
- [water running]

Oh! You know, I'm-- I'm a
professional puzzle maker, you know?

This is just another puzzle to solve.

Yes, that's right. Dude,
you create escape rooms.

So think about it like this: if you solve
this case, the room you escape is prison.

You know, there's evidence somewhere.
We just have to find it.

[breathes heavily]

[Yasper] What?

[Aniq] "This is payback
for what you did to me."

Holy sh*t.

[knocks]

[Danner] Illustrated man, you in there?

Just a minute. [clears throat]

- What are you gonna do?
- Uh, just...

- I saw you run off pretty quick.
- Mmm.

- Everything okay?
- [smacks lips] Mm-hmm.

- [Danner] You sure?
- [Aniq] Oh, yeah.

- Did I interrupt anything in here?
- [Yasper] No.

Danner. This man was just caught
outside sneaking into his car.

- [Brett] I wasn't sneaking.
- He was sneaking.

[groans] The grip is real tight!
Tell him to loosen up, ma'am.

- Keep squeezing.
- [Brett] Oh, sh*t!

[Danner] Beefcake,
time to hear your version of the night.