01x06 - Parents Weekend

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Jocelyn, uh,

would you ever tag me
in one of your videos?

I'd love to get more followers.
- I'll do it for 50 bucks.

- Whoa, Whitney,
you look like sh*t.

- Uh, sorry, I didn't realize

this dorm meeting
was a formal event.

- No, it's amazing.

You look like a celebrity
taking out the trash.

I wish I had the confidence
to look that bad.

- All right,
my favorite FreshThem.

As you know,
it is Parents' Weekend.





- Yay.

- My juggling group will be
performing at the brunch,

if you are looking
for something super fun to do.

- Ooh, Whitney,
I'd love to fit in

a quick TikTok with your mom.

I mean, it is sponsored
by Chex Mix,

so she cannot mention
any other crunchy snack brands.

- All right, look, I get
that my mom is exciting,

but my dad's coming, too.

He's pretty cool.
He's a musician.

- Whoa.

- I can't find him online.
Is he famous?

- He's a very well respected
bassist in the Bay Area.

- Well, if your mom
wasn't a senator,





that would probably be cooler.

- Frude, I'm just gonna
jump in here for a second.

Um, before our families arrive,

I think we should
all quickly share any lies

we've told them that we'd like
each other to corroborate.

- Oh, hell, yes.
Yes, that's smart.

- Finally, an actual reason
to have one of these meetings.

- Hey.
- I'll start.

My parents think
I'm a neuroscience major,

which I'm clearly not.

Also, they think
I've washed my sheets.

- I told my dad
that all of our textbooks

come from Net-a-Porter,

and that is
why he's getting charges.

- Oh, good one.

- My parents think I go
to church every weekend.

I made up a priest.
His name is Father Steve.

And he's guiding me
on my faith journey.

- So good.

- I told my mom I joined
the Young Republicans.

I didn't. I'm just trying
to f*ck with her.

But please corroborate.

- My parents
cannot know I'm gay.

- Oh.
- What?

- Might want to change
that shirt.

- All right,
I have about 50 of them.

- Wow.
- All right.

No one mention
my fake ID business

or my OnlyFans or my--
- I am leaving the room.

I cannot hear these things,
and I am leaving the room.

- ♪ Don't say you were there
when you weren't ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't think ♪

♪ You were there
when I was hurtin' ♪

♪ And now I don't know
if I want to come home ♪

♪ No, I don't know... ♪

So I said to Barack,

"You cannot break
the glass ceiling

without getting
some glass in your eye."

- My mom is so fake,
it's insane.

- I think she's very inspiring.

- Are you wearing,
like, an African dress?

- It's not African.
It's tribal-themed.

I was invited
to the Black Affinity House.

I wanted to show some respect.

- Well, you look like
a Nigerian prom queen.

- Damn it.
- I'm sorry.

- Hey, do you know how fancy
this restaurant

Leighton chose for tonight is?

Some websites are saying
three out of four dollar signs

and others are saying four.

- Uh, yeah, I have no idea.
- Hi.

Senator Chase,
that was incredible.

Representation matters.

- I think it was
Frederick Douglass

who once said--
- I can't. I'm sorry, I can't.

- Do you mind getting a scone
or something?

- Absolutely.

Is that girl wearing
a dashiki?

- She is.
- Mm.

- Uh, hey, Mom, I wanted to
talk to you about something.

It's kind of personal.

- Well, can we do it Sunday
- between 3:30 and 4:30?

I have a board meeting, and
then I have to cut the ribbon

for a new all-gender bathroom
at the business school.

- You know what? Never mind.

I'll just see you
at the restaurant, whatever.

- Thanks, honey,
for being so flexible.

♪ ♪

- No, no, no!

Guys, we got to throw
the leaves much higher.

They got to explode up
into the air, okay?

- Dad, can we please stop,
all right?

This is so embarrassing.

- Honey, this picture
is very important to me.

I have dreamed of us
being an Essex family

since you were a baby.

Come on,
I want it to be perfect.

- What about the student-loan
protest behind us?

We're lucky
to even have student loans.

I don't know. Maybe I can scrub
it out later, okay?

Let's just go again
real fast

before the sun goes
behind the library tower.

Okay, everybody
get 30% more leaves.

30%, these are artisanal
foliage, very expensive.

Big smiles, perfect family,
perfect family.

- Holy sh*t.

- Here we go.

- Leighton, pay attention.

My facialist begged me
to stay out of the sun.

- Sorry.

- Protect Mommy's face.
Here we go.

Three, two, one, leaves.

Perfect. That's the one.
That's the one.

- I think we did it.
- That's my sh*t right there.

Yes!
Perfect New England family!

♪♪

- So this is my absolute
favorite class.

It's called
biochemistry and biophysics.

It meets twice a week,
but, honestly, it's so fun,

I wish it met three times.

- Seems so impressive, beta.

So many smart-looking boys.

- Yeah, these are my people.

- Good afternoon.

It's nice to see
the parental elements

that combined to create
the student compounds.

Dad, cool it.

- He's a very funny man.

♪ ♪

- Don't scratch that car.

- Dad, you're not gonna be
a d*ck to Whitney's mom, right?

No one needs Sean Hannity
at dinner tonight.

- No, I'm not gonna be a d*ck.

I'm only gonna ask
about her insane stance

on inheritance tax.

- So this is the nicest
restaurant near campus?

- So sorry it's not
the Polo Lounge.

- It's just so earnest.

- Mom, it's good, chill.

Leight, you picked
a great place.

- I love how unpretentious
you are, Nicholas.

Oh, and you've gotten so built
since you've been here.

I hardly recognize you.

- Still doesn't make it
any more socially acceptable

that you want
to have sex with him.

- Leighton Murray.
- Jesus Christ, Leighton.

- Please don't suggest

that your mom wants
to have sex with your brother.

- It's disgusting.

Plus, Nico could do
so much better than me.

- Yes.
- Let's just find our table.

- Wonderful.

- Hi.

- Oh, there's my girl.
- Hi.

Ah!

All right, uh,
you're wearing this?

- I mean, it's on my body,
so, yes.

- Well, you know what?

With this figure,
you could pull off anything.

Your dad's not here yet.

You can stay out here
if you want to.

♪ ♪

- Oh, no.

I was so worried
about underdressing

that we overdressed.

- Nonsense.
We look festive.

Come on.

- Hi.
- Sorry we're late.

- Are you going to an event
after this?

- Um, we're only attending
this dinner.

- Well, I think
they look great.

Well, welcome.

They're excited to be here
as am I.

I told my security,
unless the president is dead,

do not interrupt me.

- I brought little surprise
gifts for the girls.

Here you go.

The elderly woman
across the street makes them,

keeps her dementia
at bay, so...

- Thank you, Ms. Finkle.
- Sure. They're purse hooks.

You hang 'em, then our bags
never have to touch the ground.

- Bela, you should invent
something like this,

like that woman
who invented the underwear

that pulls your stomach in.

She's very rich.

- Mm, yeah, I've invested.
I'll tell you that.

- Evette, can I just say what
an honor it is to meet you?

- Thank you.

- May I ask--
did you fly here private

or first-class
on the taxpayers' dollar?

Dad.

I actually do fly private
because of the death threats.

You must know what it's like
to have people want you dead.

- That's great, that's great.
Beautiful and funny.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I forgot it's a crime to give
a woman compliments now.

Well, when I hear one,
I'll let you know.

- Super chilly outside,
isn't it?

- Yeah, how cold
do we all think it is?

Mom, do you want to guess?
- Oh, jeez, I'd love to.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

- "Price upon request."

They never do that
when it's cheap, do they?

Is this place okay, Kimberly?

- This is a lovely choice,
Leighton.

- If everyone's ready,
I'll flag down the waiter.

- Yes.
- Oh, sorry.

I think we're still waiting
for my dad, if that's okay.

- I mean, did he give an ETA?

- Oh, I'm sure
he'll be here very soon.

♪ ♪

- This bread is so pretty.

I'm gonna take a picture
for your dad.

He loves art.

- Yay!
That's a good one.

- Um, everyone, well,

I'd like to say what a delight
it is to see all of you again.

And so, to that end,
I will be treating tonight.

- Oh, that's so generous.
Thank you so much.

- No, no, we should split it.
- Oh, Mr. Malhotra,

it really seems
like he would like to pay.

- I cannot allow that.
- No, just let him pay!

♪ ♪

- I actually insist
we split it.

Legally any gift or meal

that I receive over $50
is considered a bribe.

- Okay.

- Just so you know, the purse
hooks were under $50.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- You're just scratching
your neck a lot.

- It's fine. It's hives.
It's normal.

Excuse me.

I get it, my hives
are disgusting.

I think this dress
is making it worse.

- Take my credit card
for your share of dinner?

- No.
- You are clearly stressed out

about how much it costs.

All right, I feel terrible.

- Then why did you choose
such an expensive restaurant?

There are things on this menu

that cost more than
my mom's plane ticket here.

- Just please take my card.

Okay, my parents
won't even notice it

on the statement, really,
just...

please.

- Thank you, Leighton.

♪ ♪

- Everything good?
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm sorry.
We really need to order.

My wife's blood sugar
is spiking.

- It's true. I could faint.

Maybe Nico could catch me
with those strong arms.

- Mom, chill.
Just have some bread.

- I'm having bread.
- Stop it.

- Why would you tell me
to stop it?

- Please stop it.
You're embarrassing yourself.

- I'm embarrassing no one.
- It is Parents' Weekend.

- It is Parents' Weekend,
so act like a parent.

- What is that
supposed to mean?

- You know what it means.

Let's get
to the important stuff.

- Your love lives.
- Oh.

- Who has a boyfriend?

- Mom, we've literally
been here for, like, six weeks.

- Whitney, you're gorgeous.

I'm sure someone's
caught your eye.

- Not really.

I'm too busy with soccer
to have a boyfriend.

Oh, boo.

- Oh, excuse me.
I have to take this.

Can you order my dad
the rack of lamb?

He'll be here so soon.
- Yeah, of course.

- Thankfully for us,

Bela has never been
too distracted by boys.

- What's so funny?

- Bela is the biggest--

- Bookworm.

I'm always studying.

- The Asian way--
that's very smart of you.

Kimberly, what about you?
Are you dating anyone?

- Oh, no, I don't have
a dating--a boyfriend.

I'm not dating a boyfriend.

- Oh, your nerves
say otherwise.

- Are you seeing someone?
- No, I'm definitely not.

- Mom, stop badgering them.

Maybe they don't want to
discuss their private lives

with you, huh?
- I'm ordering.

- Hey, are you
at the train station?

I can take Mom's car
and come get you.

- Honey, I'm in San Jose.

- You're in San Jose? Why?

- Actually, pretty exciting.

The Barbary Coast needed
a bassist to fill in tonight,

and I said, yes.

- But it's Parents' Weekend.

- I know, honey.
I wish I could be there.

- But, Dad...

Are you serious?

- Honey, I just want to make
something of myself.

- Uh, I'm happy for you.

- I love you.

- Love you, too.

- Have fun.

♪ ♪

Kimberly
and her mother are so sweet.

Bless their hearts.
And this sad little thing--

- Mom, that was a gift.

At least wrap it
in a paper towel or something

before you throw it
in the trash.

- Whatever, isn't it funny

how the ones
with the cheapest purses

are always the most concerned
about getting them dirty?

- Okay, I get it, all right?
You hate my roommates.

Great, let's move on.

- Oh, I don't hate them.
They're just--

they're not as sophisticated
as your friends back home,

and you have to admit
these girls are quirky.

As quirky as you?

An anorexic housewife
who shoplifts?

Mom, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean--

- You think you are so much
better than me,

but, sweetheart,
you and I are exactly the same.

♪ ♪

- Wow, Carol, thank you.

This is so convenient.
Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- Wait, this sh*t
actually works

- Yeah, Mrs. Pratt says
it can hold up to 45 pounds.

- Yes!

- Well, not to be
a nagging parent,

but what is everyone
majoring in?

When I went to Stanford,
I was a double major

in African American studies
and women's studies.

Is there something funny?

- Just all these majors
with "studies" after it--

you know, gender studies,
Islamic studies.

Whatever happened
to good old-fashioned degrees,

like chem, econ,
history, you know?

- I'm majoring in neuroscience.

- Oh.
- It's my passion.

- Beta,
isn't that Professor Harpin?

You should go to his table
and greet him.

It shows respect.

- I don't want to bother him.
He's with his wife.

What if she's leaving him
or telling him she's gay?

That could be hella awkward.
- What nonsense.

Go say hi right now.

- Uh, I will be back.

- Good girl, she's a good girl.

- Hey, Prof, it's Bela
from biochem.

I just want to say,
great lecture today.

Actually,
all your lectures are great,

but today's was a banger.

- Thanks.

- Wonderful lecture today.

Nevaan Malhotra, Bela's father.

I wanted to thank you
with something.

Show this card
at any Subway restaurant,

and you'll be pleased you did.

- Um, I'm sorry, but I think
there's been a mistake.

I pride myself
knowing my students,

and you're not one of them.

- Nico, how's French going?

Oh.

- Oh, Kimmy's
taking French, too.

Let me hear something
from you guys.

I want to hear this French.

- Ah, isn't he good?

- I wish I understood them,
but I don't!

- Who ordered the rack of lamb?
- Oh, uh, just put it here.

My father won't be joining us
tonight.

- Wait, he's not making
Parents' Weekend?

Oh, sweetheart,
that's horrible.

- Oh, it was kind of
a work emergency.

- Work emergency?
I thought he was a musician.

- Uh-uh, no.

Look, I do not like
my ex-husband.

He's a flake,

and I don't think he owns one
single button-down shirt,

but you do not make
my daughter feel bad about it.

- Evette, I did not--
- It's Senator Chase, Henry.

I saw the little eye-roll

you gave your wife
about my ex-husband.

Don't do that to my kid.

You wait until you get
to the hotel for that sh*t.

Come on!

- Whitney, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.

♪ ♪

- Reena, may we borrow you
for a family conversation?

Bela has something to explain
out back behind the restaurant.

- Excuse me.

♪ ♪

- How could you lie
to us like that?

- I can't believe I almost
gave him a golden Subway card.

That's unlimited subs.

- I'm sorry, I'm not taking
biochem because I know

what I want to do with my life,
and it's not being a doctor.

I want to be a comedy writer.

- And I'm, like,
making progress

and pledging a really exclusive
comedy-writing group.

And you guys love
the funny stuff.

- I like "Young Sheldon,"
and that is it.

Bela, this school
is very expensive,

and we are paying for you
to study and learn,

not play around.

- My girlfriends, you know,
they just keep them.

My best cook pan, remember,
Peggy had that,

and I never saw it again.

So I just cook
in those toss-away tins now.

You should really use
the real lemons,

but, you know,
in Arizona, it's offensive.

If you get the thin stuff, it's
gonna burn right through that,

then your top is ruined,
anyway, on the pie.

So, well, that's just
one of my tricks.

♪ ♪

- Oh, I--
Mm.

- Okay, let's see here.

Leighton,
why is your card in here?

- Oh, um, I--

- It's my card, the Malhotras,
Senator Chase,

and yours.

- Wait, we didn't pay?

Leighton, why did you pay
for our dinner?

- Oh, um...

it--it--it was
a surprise treat.

- I asked her to.

♪ ♪

It's...

Silly.
Here you go, Leighton. Sorry.

- Well, Carol,
don't worry about it.

- No, no, I insist.
- Carol, it's fine.

- I'm paying for our portion...

of the bill,
so it's end of discussion.

- Ma'am, your card.

- Thank you for saying
that about Dad.

It meant a lot to me
that you defended him,

and the look
on Leighton's dad's face--

- He was right
about your dad.

I'm so sick of making
excuses for him.

I show up, you hate me.

He doesn't show up,
you love him.

Whitney, one day
you're gonna realize

he doesn't deserve
the pedestal you put him on.

♪ ♪

- I'm going to ask the valet
what's taking so long.

- He's so mad.
- Mm, he'll be fine.

Bela, I know how much
this dream means to you,

but we need you
to protect your future,

just in case you don't become
the next Amy Schumer.

- I'm impressed
you remembered her name.

- Ha, of course I do.

You spent years
watching her videos--

boobs, sex, funny stuff.

- Damn, Mom.

- Beta, I cut you a deal.

You promise me
that you will take

that professor's biochemistry
course next semester,

and I will work on your father,

get him to be
a little more supportive.

- I can do that.

Also, I need money
to buy books and underwear.

- I already put an envelope
on your dresser.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed
you at dinner tonight.

- Oh, you mean when you made me
look like a street urchin

in front of the rich people?

I knew dinner was gonna be
expensive--I'd saved for it.

- I just freaked out.

Fitting in at Essex has been
harder than I expected.

- Speaking of fitting in,
where'd you get that coat?

It's not the one I shipped you.

- It's Leighton's.

- Oh, boy.

Honey, I am so proud of you
for being here.

And I want you to have
every amazing experience

this place has to offer.

I just don't want you
to pretend

to be somebody you're not.

- I'm not.

- I think you've changed
a little since Move-in Day,

and I'm not saying
in a bad way, I'm just...

I'm noticing it.

Hey, it's okay.

Want to walk me back
to the hotel?

- Yeah

♪ ♪

- All I said was--

- You know, I feel like she's
not here for the right reasons.

And, honestly, neither is she.

- I think I like you better
than anyone I know.

- Oh, no, that is so sad.

We've only known each other
for, like, four weeks.

- Okay, well,
I don't like a lot of people.

- Nah, don't compliment me
and then water it down.

I want to feel that
full-blown compliment.

Tell me how you like me.

- No!
- Tell me how you like me!

- Get off me,
you little weirdo!

Come on,
you're pushing my boob!

♪ ♪

- That dinner f*cking sucked.

- It wasn't that bad.

Like, for what it's worth,

I don't think of you
as poor or anything like that.

- I am, though.

I am kind of poor,
and that's okay.

I just--

I wish I could still, like...

belong here.

- What, at Essex?

You already do.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

- Should we go to your room?

- Actually,
I should probably get to bed.

I want to get a full
eight hours of sleep in.

- Oh, okay.

I'm kidding.

Let's go.

♪ ♪

- Go to bed.