04x13 - Sex, Lies and House Hunting

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I got the candy in three piles...

Valentine's, Halloween, and Christmas.

God, how long have you had this stuff?

Ever since your grandmother said,

"Holiday candy stays good forever.

It's like medicine."

Now let's divide the candy
into "good" and "bad."

There. That's the bad pile.

Hey! I was still eating those.

You know, a lot of that stuff
will soften up

if you just work it in your
mouth for a couple hours.

Uh, I hate to interrupt
the riveting stale candy debate,

but there is a really good house here.

It's right at the top
end of my price range,

but it's the only one that hasn't said,

"Train lovers look no further."

I wouldn't consider the train
a deal-breaker.

I think it's nice when
your house rocks you to sleep.

Becky, let's go check it out later.

If you're gonna live there, you
should check out the place, too.

Oh, I can't today.

Glen's picking me up
for a date in a little bit.

Ooh.

Okay, fine. I'll take Harris.

But this lack of initiative
is how you and your daughter

end up in a basement.

So... you're going out

with your professor again, huh?

Yeah. We got to keep it on the DL

so we don't get into trouble.

We're trying a little
out-of-the-way place

three towns over.

It's called Rusty's Kitchen.

Based on the website picture

of the guy flipping burgers
with his shirt off,

it might just be a kitchen

in the house of a guy named Rusty.

I feel bad not going with Darlene,

but I'm not even sure
if I want to live with her.

It's a tough decision.

Well, just make a list of pros and cons.

Oh, sure.

Not easy having a sister as a roommate.

Were you and Mom ever roommates?

No. But I don't know if you know this.

I was actually a twin.

They say I k*lled my
sibling in the womb.

It wasn't a twin.

All they found was an ovarian cyst.

Yeah. After I got done with her.

[Sighs]

Okay, there's the first pro...

Uh, "Spend less time with other
crazy family members."

Oh, yeah, I get that.

So what are the cons
of moving in with Darlene?

- Darlene.
- Mm.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

See, we got through the whole house

without some pushy realtor bugging us.

That's why you gotta dress like this.

I don't want these people to
think I've got money.

Yeah, whatever you do,
don't tuck in your sweatshirt.

They might think you're a billionaire.

This place is amazing, right?

I mean, it's got so much potential.

Oh, my God, I want it so bad.

Then go for it.
I'm gonna go grab my phone.

I left it charging in
an outlet upstairs.

Oh, Harris, you're, uh,
stealing electricity.

People live here.

So while you're up there,
make sure to grab

some soap and toilet paper.

Hi. You can't be in here.

But if you come back
at the end of the day,

I'll leave a plate of
leftover cookies on the porch.

Oh, no.

I'm... I'm not here for the food.

By the way, I love this house.

I'm sure you do.

It's indoors.

I'm sorry, but I have to
ask you to leave.

Oh, oh, you think I'm homeless
because of the way I'm dressed.

No, I'm not. Smell me.

I'd rather not. Please.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, Harris. You're just in time.

This is my daughter.

Harris, please tell her who I am.

I am so sorry.

We were just about to put out
a silver alert for her.

No, no, no.

No, not right now.

That's only funny with family.

No, it's funny now.

Fine. She's a manager
at Wellman Plastics,

the pillar of our community.

Anyway, I am super
interested in this house,

and I would like to make an offer.

Great. But you'll want
to get it in soon.

This house is priced to move.

It's gonna be a
multiple-offer situation.

Okay, so how do I make sure I get it?

Come in at asking price, don't low ball.

And then make sure you and your husband,

or your partner,
are pre-approved.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's... That's not an issue.

I'm qualified, but the loan's
just gonna be in my name.

Ooh, that might be a tough one
for the seller.

They prefer the security of a couple.

Oh, yeah, so do adoption agencies.

But that just means
you might end up with

two alcoholic parents, right?

I mean, I think those days
are behind us.

I'm sure all things being equal,

a single woman and a couple
have the exact same sh*t.

I can't say this officially,

but since I've already opened myself up

to an equal-opportunity lawsuit
with the homeless thing... no.

The couple would win the bid.

A couple would also b*at a single man?

Oh, absolutely.

The only good news for single
men is they b*at single women.

Excuse me?

More earning potential

and less likely to end up
raising children alone.

Okay, so a single man
beats a single woman,

but a couple beats them both?

I assume the highest hand
is two men.

The banks don't even run their credit.

We just hand them the keys.

Wow. Well, I feel sorry
for some poor single woman

that's just trying to make
a better life for herself.

I guess she should just keep
living with her father, right?

You joke, but there are some
lost souls who have to do that.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.
We're actually out of the house.

Let's take a romantic stroll afterward.

Finally, we don't have to worry

about one of my students seeing us.

[Chuckles]

Didn't you like walking around my yard

and checking to see
if any of the chickens

had frozen to death overnight?

Took me a while to find
the romance in it, but yeah.

Hey, Professor Davis!

[Car door closes]

Hey.

Becky?

What are you guys doing
all the way out here?

CONNIE: We live out here. It's cheaper.

What are you guys
doing out here? Together?

I live out here, too.

Because it's cheaper.

And, uh, I was just giving Becky a ride.

Because I had a flat tire.

And he brought me all the way
out here to buy a new tire.

'Cause it's cheaper.

- [Chuckles]
- Oh, okay.

'Cause when we saw you get out the car,

it almost looked like
you guys were on a date.

[Both laugh]

A date? Gross.

I don't date my professor.

I only date young and hot guys.

Yeah, and I can show you
pictures of people I've dated

that are much better looking than her.

But you're single, right?

Oh, yeah.

Well, since you're single,

you should come out with us tonight.

The Chamber of Commerce is
trying to keep younger people

in the city, so they're having
a big singles event

at the Lanford Cemetery.

Yeah, it's called, "You have to die,

but you don't have to die alone."

Cute. But not factually correct.

I mean, I think everybody dies alone.

Oh, yeah, but that's not clever.

We're not taking no for an answer.

We'll pick you up at : .

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, man.

I think I got to go to this thing.

No, you don't.

You shouldn't have to go to
some creepy singles event

just 'cause Connie's nosey.

You know, she wrote a paper about
being estranged from her father.

Now I see his side of it.

Yeah, but she's got a big mouth.

I mean, I could get kicked out,

and more importantly,
you could lose your job.

[Sighs]

Guess I'm gonna have to
make an appearance.

Well, we got busted,

but we still have Rusty's one-star meal

to look forward to.

Somebody on Yelp
said he should be wearing

a hairnet on his chest.

Ew!

♪♪

Where'd you get that?

Store.

You took that from the trash.

You're eating trash candy.

Waste not, want not.

That's in the Bible.

I'm doing God's work.

Leave me alone!

Alright, fine.

Toss one over.

I got to fill out a loan application

for a house I'm never gonna get.

Ah, your first loan application
for a house you'll never get.

I remember that.

There's that line that says,
"All information provided

is true upon penalty of perjury."

Somehow the thr*at of prison

made the lying a little more exciting.

My problem isn't lying.

I actually have good enough credit.

The deck is just stacked against me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Dan, you ready to go?

Yep. We're going to Denny's.

It's a business meal,
so I can write it off.

Some people launder their money
in Switzerland.

I have this.

What are you filling out?

Uh, it's a home loan application.

I found a house that is perfect for me.

Well, holy crap.

I knew you were looking for a place,

- but you're actually buying a house?
- Trying.

Turns out I can get a loan
with only % down

because the area is
what they call "up-and-coming."

Apparently, the lead in the water

is in the acceptable range.

Alright, now, do you know all the things

to check for before you make an offer?

Radon, mold, cracked foundation.

I mean, those things
will cost you a fortune

if you have to fix them.

Oh, I don't know about all that,

but it has one of them boxes

that washes your dishes for ya.

All I am saying is that

when people get excited about something,

they tend to look at it
with rose-colored glasses

and end up with something
that they don't want.

You know, like when I first saw you.

No, that's not what you're saying.

You're saying you think
I don't know what I'm doing.

Y-You're saying you think I need a man.

Don't. Don't say it.

Put the pin back in
that grenade, soldier.

No one needs to die needlessly here.

All I was gonna say is I am sorry,

you do not need a man

and I really hope you get the house.

Hang on a second.

[Sighs] I might need a man.

I feel sorry for whoever
that poor bastard is.

Have a great day.

No, stop.

The realtor says that I have to
be part of a couple

to have a real sh*t with this seller.

Apparently, any big,
dumb sack of male DNA

will make me more attractive as a buyer.

If you're asking me to
pretend that we're a couple,

then I need to be wooed.

Tell me I'm pretty.

[Sighs] Okay.

You're a big, dumb sack of pretty.

Now will you go?

Now that I feel good about myself, yes.

Alright, I got to take
a new selfie of us.

I'm gonna send it to the realtor
and set up an appointment.

I look like I'm being
att*cked by a bear,

but I guess it'll do.

Hi, hon. I know you're probably
grading papers right now,

and I guarantee it is
more fun than this.

There's a guy with a parrot,

and it's been eyeing me all night.

I think I'm gonna have someone
walk me to my car.

I don't trust this parrot.

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing
here? You're not single.

Shh! Neville and I are gonna
pretend that we're single.

He's gonna meet me here in a little bit.

I always wanted to get blasted
and have fun in a cemetery.

I'm rehearsing for
when I throw my mom in a hole.

Sounds like fun.

I'm assuming Grandma will be dead.

Really doesn't matter to me.

What are you doing here? Mm?

Things not working out
with Professor Glen?

No. Shh!

One of my classmates...

Gray beanie over there by the crypt,

don't look...

Saw me out with him,

so I have to pretend to be single

to throw her off the trail.

Which in Lanford means

sipping an O'Doul's
on top of somebody's nana.

Some of these old tombstones
are beautiful,

you know, with the... the carved
statues and everything.

"Loving husband and father,

may you finally rest peacefully

under the gaze of angels."

That's so touching.

Hey, take a picture of me, huh?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Here.

- Put that on.
- Good idea.

Okay.

Stick it. Okay, okay.

There you go.

Okay, here.
Hold this.

Hold it. Okay, stick it on.

Okay.

- Got it?
- Oh, good, good. Got it.

Okay? Go.

You know what?
You know what?

I-I'm going this way.

What?

Hey, Becky, isn't this great?

Oh, it is.

Listen, I couldn't say this
in front of the professor,

but I asked you to come
because I was worried

that you guys might be involved.

Even though you're closer in age,

there's still a huge imbalance in power.

What? No.

Why would I take a crazy risk
and date my professor

when there are so many
available guys here?

That guy's parrot told me
I was a thirst trap.

Oh, well, that parrot's hammered.

He tells everybody that.

Okay, there's somebody
I want to introduce you to.

We can meet after for drinks.

You'll love him.

That's really sweet,

but I like to pick out my own guys.

Look, if you're covering for
Professor Davis,

it's not worth it.

Someone's gonna figure it out
and go straight to the dean.

Oh, my God.

Why are you so obsessed
with Professor Davis?

Maybe you're the one going out
with him and you're worried

someone's gonna steal your
old man professor from you,

you old man professor lover.

Okay, based on your reaction,
neither of us are dating him.

So, uh, I guess I'm meeting this guy.

You're right. This place is great.

I know.

Okay, we need a story about
how we met and everything.

Well, how about this...
I owned a magazine,

I hired you, we lost the magazine,

we ended up living in
your childhood bedroom,

but now...

we're doing this.

The truth? That's depressing.

We're trying to get her
to sell us a house,

not hang ourselves in the two-car garage

with all the built-in cabinets.

Fine. You come up with a better version.

Okay.

I am a rising exec in
the plastics industry,

you own a chain of hardware stores,

and we've built a great life together.

Ah, that version of us is awesome.

I love that us.

But this is kind of weird.

You know, this could've been our place.

Right.

You and I in our golden years,

sitting on that patio swing,
uh, sipping a drink.

Mm.

Listening to Harris' kids
from different dads

fighting in the living room.

Wondering if she's ever
coming back to get 'em.

[Sighs]

Hey.

There's your handsome Bigfoot.

[Ben chuckles]

Oh, uh, this is my partner, Ben.

Ben, this is Claire.

We're a couple, and I love her.

And I love this house.

Did you get my offer?
I went to the max with it.

I did, and the seller thinks
you're a lovely couple.

There's been one slight change, though.

There's another lovely couple,
and they're offering

$ , over the asking price.

[Sighs] You got to be kidding me.

Here's the thing. If
you could find a way

to b*at their offer, even by a little,

this place could still be yours.

Well, what do we know
about this other couple?

I mean, maybe they're just
pretending to be a couple.

I've heard of that happening.

They've been married years.

They rode over on a tandem bike.

[Chuckles] How cute are they?

Well, if they can't afford two bikes,

they can't afford a house.

Might want to look into that.

Becky should be right up.

So, I understand you teach psychology.

Did you have you a real job before that?

No, my greatest skill
was my thirst for knowledge.

I hear ya.

I feel the same way about beer.

Ready to go.

We tried going to a real restaurant,

but we got busted immediately.

Yeah, a limited amount
of places we can go

without being recognized,
but if it's worth it to Becky,

it's worth it to me.

Yeah, I saw on the news
where they gave a guy

a whole new face.

I like Becky's, but you can't be
all that attached to,

you know, that.

Uh, could we talk for a sec?

Sure.

We have to lie to everybody else.

I don't want to lie to you.

Um...

Connie was like Harriet the Spy
at that cemetery thing.

And to shake her off,

I ended up going on a
date with her friend.

Oh.

Sorry.

I couldn't get out of it.

No big deal.

Really?

I'm fine.

Hey, let's get food that's easy
to eat in the car this time.

Once you get that pad Thai noodle

between the seat and the console,

there's no getting it out.

So you're not jealous at all?

This doesn't have to be a big deal,

but it should be at least a deal.

No. All good.

Uh, what about turkey legs?

We could, uh, drive around
with them in the cup holders.

Stop talking about food.

Don't you care about
this relationship at all?

I need to know if I'm the only
one invested in this thing.

Of course I'm invested in this.

Well, then, punch a wall

or throw a beer through the TV.

Show me you care.

I can't.

What do you mean you can't?

Because I'm not gonna come down
on you for going on a date

trying to protect our relationship.

Yeah, I hate it.

I'm already worried that

this is all too much for you and that
you're gonna decide it's not worth it

and... and leave.

What?

Of course it's worth it.

Yeah, this is an impossible way
to have a relationship,

but you have to trust that I'm
here because I want to be here.

Alright, then,

I am putting my foot down.

No more dating other men.

Well, Mr. Professor...

I don't know how you treat beer
in the halls of academia,

but in this house,

we treat our aluminum
angels with respect.

He'll like you better
when you get your new face.

♪♪

Oh, hey. How's the new house looking?

I want to rent your room
to a bunch of Shriners

for the St. Patrick's Day parade.

They're gonna let me
drive the little car.

I tried crunching the numbers
every way I could think of,

and there's... There's
no way I can swing it.

I'm sorry, honey.

I sure wish I could help.

Denny's got all my money.

I'm just never gonna find
another place like that.

Okay, now, don't bite my head off

because I heard what you
said the other night.

But I was thinking...

what if I co-sign?

'Cause if I jump in,

we can get a bigger number on that loan.

You're kidding me.

That is incredibly generous.

And incredibly complicated.

Mm.

I, uh... I really support you
making this move,

and you found a place that you love.

So before you break its heart

by seeing another house behind its back,

let me help.

Are you ever gonna let that go?

Why would I? It's our thing.

Man, this could be my only sh*t
at getting this house.

Well, then, come on. Let's go get it.

I'm ready. Let's get you the house.

Can't believe I'm gonna say this,

but no.

Getting this house is about me moving on

and standing on my own two feet.

That means not depending on
my dad for a place to live,

and then if I let you co-sign,

I'm just depending on you
for a place to live.

I don't even know what happened to me.

I was always such an independent person,

and I guess I kind of lost my way.

But I want to walk through
every room of a house

and know that I got there on my own.

Wow. Yeah, I remember this Darlene.

Well, she's back,

and she's probably gonna die
in her childhood bed.

Oh, cute little place.
Shame it didn't work out.

Well, thanks for coming with me. I
just wanted to come one last time

for a sense of closure.

Yeah, I hear that.

[Switchblade clicks]

There you go.

How cute are they?

[Air hissing]

Oh, that does feel better.

I guess there's always
unforeseen expenses

when you buy a new house, right?