Congratulations.
What a terrific performance.
Many many congratulations, what
an exciting night that must be.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
something rather different.
Tonight we are celebrating
a great British tradition.
And tradition is something
we do very well in Britain.
Some of our noblest families
go back many many centuries,
and some popped over from
Germany a lot more recently.
Perhaps our oldest and most
celebrated family of all...
is the Black Adder dynasty.
And now, representing the current
generation of malcontents,
please welcome from her majesty's
royal regiments of shirkers,
captain
the lord
Edmund
Blackadder!
or a suburban
Your royal highness...
ladies and gentlemen.
The world is changing,
and her majesty's armed forces...
must change with it.
Consider Britain and its position
in the world today.
At the beginning of the last century
just one hundred years ago
Britain kept the peace in a
quarter of the entire globe.
The sun, as they say, never
set on the British empire.
Now, what have we got?
The Channel Islands.
The Germans have bought Rolls-Royce,
all the news readers are Welsh,
although that may not be relevant,
and most foreigners think
that the union jack is based...
on an old dress design
for one of the spice girls.
So what is to be done?
Well the answer to my
mind is very simple:
If we are to reestablish
our position in the world,
the army must return
to its traditional role,
the very reason for which it existed,
in the first place.
We must...
inv*de...
France.
No no.
No, no, I'm serious.
Our advanced guard of mad cows
has already done a superb job.
And the French are in disarray.
Now is the time for actual occupation.
Now you may say, Why France?
Well that's a very good question.
But I can think of
three reasons. Firstly,
whenever we try to
speak their language,
they sneer at us, and talk
back to us in English.
God, they are so irritating.
Secondly,
they deliberately
won the world cup...
by maliciously playing
better football than us.
And thirdly, simple
political strategy.
Look at the history books:
Whenever Britain fought the French...
we were top dog.
For five hundred years, from
Agincourt to the battle of Waterloo,
Britain went from strength to strength,
and gained the greatest empire
the world has ever known.
The minute we start getting
chummy with the garlic chewers,
within three short
decades we're buggered.
Hello, obvious connection alert.
So that's the secret.
If Mr. Blair wants us to be
at the heart of Europe...
let us simply go to
the heart of Europe.
Gather together those submarines
which don't leak.
Prime both r*fles which do not jam.
Get the army to Waterloo station,
buy fifty five thousand tickets
on the eurostar, and inv*de France.
Or...
we could just wait for the
euro to drop a bit more,
and then simply buy the place.
Lord Blackadder, ladies and gentlemen.
Great treat to see him back.
And now...