...with prominent parliamentarian
Dame Miranda Hart in the Chair.
Good morning everyone.
As you will have read from this
morning's treasury forecasts...
the recession, which is definately not,
and never has been, a depression,
is now officially double double dip,
with a couple of extra dips on the end,
and further dips to be added
on big news days,
when the chancellor sees
a chance to sneak one in.
This enquiry could not be more timely.
Ah, I couldn't agree more madam chair.
For the purposes of
absolute transparency,
could the Chair enlighten
us as to how many dips...
...the recession is
actually currently at?
Well I’ve been awfully firm
with the Treasury on this one,
and demanded s you say absolute
transparency. And the good news is.
...it turns out there have
actually been no dips at all.
- No dips?
- None.
- The recession is dip free?
- Entirely. It is a dipless recession.
What it is in fact is a very very
steep descent recession...
...with a few little kinks in it.
‘Kinks’ Madam Chair?
Yes. Gentle undulations.
Yes. Highly encouraging, momentary
slackenings within the general freefall
I mean for instance when Adele
released her second album.
Huge boost to our
balance of payments.
And the Americans quite
liking Downton Abbey.
Tremendous sh*t in the arm
for Brand UK. - Absolutely.
And there was that lovely
feel good moment last summer
when everbody got terribly excited
about Jess Ennis’s tummy.
Lovely tummy.
Like a living sculpture.
Sort of cute and intimidating
all at the same time.
Such a tonic for the nation
after all the doom and gloom.
No that tummy really
defied the knockers.
It’s so often the other way round.
Nonetheless,
the big very long, steep, slightly
kinky recession is still with us...
hence this enquiry which will
be forensic and far reaching,
drawing upon the finest minds
in the financial world.
So I would like to move
to call our first witness,
Chief Executive Officer of Melchett,
Melchett & Darling Merchant Bank,
sir Edmund Blackadder!
Sir Edmund thank you for joining us.
It is a senior pleasure Madam Chair.
Sir Edmund you are a banker.
A very rich banker.
How can you justify paying yourself
such a vast bonus every year?
Because I’m worth it.
If you pay peanuts,
you get monkeys.
But you earn many times
more than a cabinet minister!
So clearly you see my point.
Sir Edmund, the crux of the matter
is that Britain’s banks are broke.
If you’re as good as you say
you are, why are you in crisis?
Crisis? I’m not in crisis.
- Are you not?
- Nope.
How can I be in crisis?
I own half of Kensington.
My pension pot is so big you
could boil John Prescott in it.
Frankly, life couldn’t be cushier...
if I was a mouse astronaut,
who’d just landed on the Moon,
and discovered that it
really is.made of cheese.
Yes. I don’t think the Honourable
Member was talking...
...about you personally Sir
Edmund, but rather your bank.
Oh my bank. Oh...
What about it?
It’s twenty billion pounds in debt.
And your point?
That you have no
means of repaying it.
Why is the witness calling
you My Lord, Sir Edmund?
Because I bought a peerage
at the Parliamentary Gift Shop
...on my way in, Madam Chair.
There’s a selection of honours for
sale next to the Big Ben snow globes.
- So, Baldrick...
- I wish to address the Char Woman!
I’m afraid she’s busy polishing
the speaker's gavel.
Doesn’t Mrs Bercow normally do that?
Yes, normally, yes,
but not this morning,
she’s got, oh yes, she's got an
FHM magazine calendar sh**t,
followed by a meeting of
Attention Seekers anonymous
with Mrs Mensch and that mad
cow that went in the jungle.
Don’t you follow Twitter?
Why do you want to address
to the Char woman Baldrick?
Objection your honour!
It does not reek of foul disease,
it’s just a bit spotty
on the end that’s all.
Brick, Baldrick, your brick
reeks of foul disease.
Oh, well that’s all right then.
Because I assure you...
I give little Baldrick a jiggle under
the tap every other birthday.
The simple fact is Baldrick that you,
like the rest of the public,
ran up debts for numerous luxury
items, such as fuel and food,
that you could not
possibly afford to repay.
- Yes I did sir.
- You are in fact, feckless.
I certainly am sir. I haven’t had a
feck since our last holiday in Wales.
You borrowed and you borrowed.
What led you to this
outrageous irresponsibility!
You did mylord and those nice people
at Melchett Melchett & Darling.
You took my small savings and
then tempted me to borrow more,
with your glossy brochures, smooth
talking, and a free ball point pen.
Aha. There we have it, madam chair.
For the sake of a biro,
he and millions like him...
allowed us to
impoverish the nation.
We, the bankers, are the victims here.
The victims of a public,
who put their faith in people,
who are manifestly only interested
in their own enrichment!
Are you suggesting
Lord Blackadder...
that we blame the public for
the entire Financial Crisis?
That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.
But that would absolve
the Government,
and the whole Financial Sector
of all responsibility.
Well, I don’t wish to sound
impertinent but... DUH!
My god it’s brilliant.
Is is brilliant.
It’s so brilliant...
...it would win a place at Oxford,
even if it had a Northern accent.
But it might be simpler, rather
than blaming all the public,
which could prove unpopular,
I suggest that we simply blame...
...Baldrick.
- What?
Make him the scapegoat! Traduce him!
Pillory him! Strip him of his trousers,
roger him with the speakers
gavel and let's just move on!
But supposing, mylord, supposing...
...I had a cunning plan?
A cunning plan Baldrick, to correct...
the inherent weakness
of unregulated markets,
which must lead inevitably to
the enrichment of the few,
and the exploitation of the many?
- Yes my lord, certainly my lord.
A cunning plan to force
those predatory exploiters...
finally to come to terms
with their destructive greed?
- Yes my lord. - Well, that
would of course be brilliant.
Do you have such a plan?
No my lord!
Society must be avenged.
Bend over mr. Baldrick,
summon the Master at Arms,
and bring me the speakers gavel!