04x02 - Billy Jones and the Orgy Lamps

[bunniefuu]

[HEAVY GATE ROLLING]

- There it is.
- Every last piece.

- The couch.
- Your dining room chairs.

- The TV.
- Your orgy lamps.

Orgy lamps?

These are not orgy lamps.

Well, what are those
people on them doing?

They're... Well, she's a teacher,

and these are her nubile pupils, and...

- This is dirty.
- [IMOGENE] Yeah.

Like, what is she teaching them? French?

Well, they're pretty,
and I still like them.

What are you thinking, Antonio?

It's gonna take us a while to
unload everything, Mrs. Maisel.

Great. I've got a few errands
to run. Take over, Imogene?

Will do.

All right, guys, get to work!

- [♪ THE PAJAMA GAME ENSEMBLE: "RACING WITH THE CLOCK"]
- Sorry. I get bossy. Sorry.

- Be safe, guys.
- [CLATTERING]

Careful with the orgy lamps.

Oil's tough, but I'll see
what I can do, Mrs. Marshall.

You're the best,
Herman. Have a good day.

[SINGSONGY] Herman.

- Mrs. Maisel.
- How's things? How's Marilyn?

Just celebrated our -year anniversary.

Mazel tov. I'm back in the neighborhood,

and there's mountains of
cleaning heading your way.

I'll turn 'em around
for you nice and quick.

- And my tab's still good?
- Uh, of course.

- What was it, bucks?
- Something like that.

But I thought you'd give me
a higher limit on that tab.

- A higher limit?
- Like, say, bucks?

See, I haven't washed a
thing since I left you.

There's so much
business coming your way,

a higher tab would be convenient

for you and me. Know what I mean?

I think I can make that work.

You're a doll.

Gonna give one of these
to everyone I know.

- Marketing, Herman.
- Thanks, Mrs. Maisel.

♪ Hurry up ♪

- ♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Can't waste time... ♪

And cents is your change.
Thank you. Come again.

- [SINGSONGY] Eli.
- Mrs. Maisel.

You still have the best buns in town?

I like to think. You
back in the neighborhood?

As of today. And ready to
restart that tab of mine.

Sure. What was it, uh, ten?

Back in the day. But I'm
thinking double that now.

- Double?
- Or triple. You should see how my kids eat.

Well, you should know, what with six.

So a higher tab's a real
convenience. For you and for me.

- I guess.
- You know Herman the dry cleaner?

Practically begged me to raise
my tab. He was a little pushy.

- I'll see what I can do.
- You're a doll.

If I don't come home
with a couple of these,

those damn kids'll eat
me. Put 'em on my tab?

- You got it.
- Gonna give one of these

to everyone I know. Marketing, Eli!

Thanks, Mrs. Maisel.

- ♪ Hurry up ♪
- ♪ Can't waste time... ♪

[SINGSONGY] Johann.

New uniform, huh?

You should have heard the
dry cleaner and the baker

practically begging me to raise my tab.

- Grown men, begging.
- That's something.

Not for nothing, but a higher tab

benefits you more than me.

I'll have to check with the office.

Tell them about Herman and Eli?

Here's their cards if
your boss wants to chat.

- Sure thing, Mrs. Maisel.
- You're a doll, Johann.

- [SINGSONGY] Randy.
- Hey, Mrs. Maisel.

Who's got the best melons around?

- I do.
- I'm insulted.

Listen, I'm back in the neighborhood,

- and I want to talk about my tab.
- Your tab?

♪ Racing with the clock ♪

You ever see a milkman beg, Walter?

No, I'm serious.

He was begging me to raise my tab.

Kept talking about how it
benefits him more than me.

- Ha!
- Not there. Somewhere else.

But it's kitchen stuff.

- I'm organizing, Antonio. This is my process.
- Walter, I'm a woman.

- I don't have a mind for business.
- Leave me to my process.

Ask the milkman. Be nicer,
Imogene. We like Antonio.

Sorry. It's my Nordic grandmother.

- I inherited her chilly rage.
- [MIDGE] Yes, but what with him

and the baker and the
grocer and the dry cleaner

all raising my tab like that,

it just makes sense to
let you in on the deal.

I mean, I'd hate to switch pharmacies.

Twenty-five is great. And
I'm gonna tell everyone

you are the best drug
dealer in the neighborhood.

Uh, you know what I mean.

Marketing, Walter. Bye.

Oh, the bastard put up a fight.

- What are you doing?
- Solving my cash flow problem.

Last week, I dealt with Moishe.

Had to get him to agree to delay
the loan payment on this place.

Brought Esther.

- Uh-oh.
- [MIDGE] Held her in my lap,

barefoot, a little dirty,

holding her one-armed doll.

- You didn't.
- I talked about her needing new shoes.

I couldn't tear up, but then
Esther cried right on cue.

I may have given her a pinch.

- Shameless.
- But it worked.

And now if I can just hold
off paying the milk bill,

the laundry bill, the grocery bill,

the butcher bill, the bakery bill

and the pharmacy bill
for just a few months,

I can possibly catch up.

Hello, old friend.

Your place of honor awaits.

[IMOGENE] [GASPS]
Oh, this shelf is complete.

Oh, come with me.

I need an opinion.

What do you think?

Is this cubist or... ?

No, seriously. What do you think?

Seriously, it's insane.

At first glance, yes.

But hear me out. Ouch.

- Midge.
- Okay.

[EXHALES] Old place, new life. Right?

- Sure.
- New vistas. Interior vistas.

- Okay.
- Now, clearly, the living room couch

has to go where it goes.
Can't make a change there.

- It was built for that room.
- Yep.

And the TV has to go
across from the couch.

- Et cetera, et cetera.
- I agree.

The kitchen's the kitchen.

Can't do anything with the foyer.

Where can I create something
new in my apartment?

Something splashy.
Something that's just me.

Bedroom.

Ow!

- Maybe you shouldn't...
- [MIDGE GROANS]

- Give me a second.
- ... move.

Who says it has to be arranged

exactly the way Joel and I had
it even though it made sense.

Joel and I made sense,

and we all know how that ended up.

I want to walk into this bedroom

and feel like this is my bedroom.

I don't want to feel like
this is where Joel and I

kind of often... you know.

- I know.
- Plus, he dumped me here.

He stood right there. I stood here.

Now it's all different,

because where he stood
when he dumped me is now

where the dresser is, and where I stood

when he dumped me is
where part of the bed is,

which is a great comfort to me.

So...

what do you think?

I think you should put
it back the way it was

because this is clinically insane.

Imogene, I was hurt here.

I know, twice. Shin, toe.

- By Joel.
- I know.

But put it all back
exactly the way it was.

Nice and pretty. And the new thing?

Now when you're here, you're alone.

And you get both closets.

No. I'm gonna live with this for a while

and see how it feels.

sh*t-f*ck.

How'd that feel?

[EXHALES] I've got to
go call the butcher.

Okay. Oh!

- [PHONE RINGS]
- [GABE] Don't get your knickers in a twist, Jerry.

- [MAN] Village Voice. Hello.
- [JERRY] My sources are good.

- Sanitation's going out.
- [GABE] Garbagemen

- are not going on strike.
- [JERRY] Says who?

[GABE] Me. I just said it.
Sudden astigmatism, Jerry?

- [JERRY] I stand corrected. I'm a piece of sh*t.
- [KEV] When are they gonna

- empty the garbage here?
- [JERRY] And that relates how?

- [KEV] It's still about sanitation.
- [TERRENCE] Kev is right.

Bernie threw half an
avocado out last week,

and it's still sitting there.

Abe Weissman! There you are.

I'm sorry, am I late? I-I was told

- the meeting started at : .
- [GABE] You are not late.

Three of us slept here last night,

two of us not because their wives

- kicked them out.
- She didn't kick me out.

She just wouldn't let me in.

And when we woke up, the
meeting informally commenced.

Everyone, this is the
notorious Abe Weissman,

the Terror of Broadway.
And now our Terror.

- Good morning.- Hi, Abe.

- How you doing, Abe?
- Good to see you.

You know your arts editor, Terrence.

Bernie's news. Jerry's city desk.

Leonard's opinion, and
he occasionally has one.

Our photographer, Kal-El,
from the planet Krypton.

I made the mistake of showing them
my collection of Superman comics.

It's Gilbert.

[GABE] Jules is our doodler,

and Kev... What are you again?

- f*ck you.
- Our resident poet.

And that is the masthead in the flesh.

Sit, sit.

Is this smoke bothering you, Abe?

[CHUCKLES] Oh. Oh, no.

- No, I smoke a pipe, myself.
- [GILBERT] [CHUCKLES] Yeah,

what you're smoking isn't
exactly what I'm smoking.

- [ABE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
- [JERRY] Dig the duds, Weissman.

Boss Tweed.

- Stop it, Jer. Dress
any way you like. Hell,

- Mailer once showed up in his underwear.
- [KEV] I'm sorry,

why'd he s*ab his wife
again? She seemed nice.

Plimpton says it's
because she told Norman

he's not as good as Dostoyevsky.

[BERNIE] I had a long conversation

with his wife at a book party once.

- She may have had it coming.
- Some of us have places to go.

All right, let's resume. Check
your sources at the union.

If it's real, we will run it.

- Will do.
- [TERRENCE] Abe, I hate to do this, but

I've got three things for
you to review next week.

- Three?
- I... I know it's a lot.

No. Actually, the Voice has averaged

three and a quarter theater
reviews since issue one,

so it's par for the course.

And how did you come to that figure?

I read the back issues.
At the library on nd.

Took me a couple of weeks.

Seriously? You read every back issue?

All but November of ' .

Someone must have stolen that one.

I would love to plug that hole one day.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I feel like I just showed
you my Superman comics.

No, no, no, no, we applaud
your thoroughness, Mr. Weissman.

[JERRY] While questioning
your mental fitness.

- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- Carol,

dig out November , issue for Abe.

Let's plug that hole now.

I heard from the ad
department. They wanted you

to know that last week's front
page made their lives a living hell.

[GABE] Mission accomplished. What else?

[KEV] Can we talk about how
much I hate the ad department?

[♪ BLOSSOM DEARIE: "ALWAYS
TRUE TO YOU IN MY FASHION"]

[DOOR CLOSES]

- [ABE] Miriam? We're here.
- [ROSE] We didn't knock.

[ABE] There was debate,
but that's where we landed.

Hello, you two.

Remarkable. Like we
traveled back in time.

Such a strange feeling.

Like something out of
that show of yours, Abe,

- The Twilight Zone.
- Oh, yeah.

This last one of
theirs was a real beaut.

- How about a tour?
- Please.

There was this advertising exec.

Overworked, harried.

Clearly a stand-in for Rod Serling.

Gorgeous. And that view.

- I got my river back.
- [ROSE SIGHS]

He had this boss always yelling at him.

"Push, push, push, Williams."

- Dining room.
- "Push, push, push!"

Then he falls asleep
on the train ride home.

All your dishes. And a piano.

And he wakes up in an idyllic town

- called Willoughby.
- Shall we continue?

- [ROSE] Mm-hmm.
- And in a different century.

There's horse-drawn
buggies and a brass band,

and I'm talking to myself.

Oh, I've always loved those chairs.

- Me, too.
- So perfect for the room.

- Mm.
- [MIDGE] This way, please.

- On to the master.
- Have we done the kitchen?

- Girls!
- Huh.

- I needed something different.
- [ABE] Are you back there?

It's still... technically a bedroom.

- [ABE] Answer me, please!
- Let me show you the guest room.

- Made a change there, too.
- Oh, fun.

[ABE] Hey, wait.

Have we done the bedroom?

You're going too fast.

What do you think?

These are our things.

- I know.
- What are they doing here?

These are our things.

- I know.
- What are they doing here?

This is why I invited you over.

- To make you an offer.
- What offer?

I thought it might be wonderful

for you two

to move in here with me.

And the kids.

And, of course, Zelda.

The whole Weissman clan

together again in the original building,

just a couple of floors
down from where you were.

What do you think?

- Absolutely not.
- Yes.

- What?
- What?

- Put some thought into this, Rose.
- Think about it, Abe.

- Oh, fine, but you, too.
- What's there to think about?

Papa, do not have one of your
knee-jerk reactions to this.

This is not a knee-jerk reaction.

I heard your offer, and I
instantly knew it was stupid.

Papa, please.

This would put you back in
your beloved neighborhood

with your newsstand, your Zabar's,

your synagogue, the
little place that you get

that afternoon jelly doughnut at
that you don't tell Mama about.

- Jelly doughnuts?
- All of that

is perfectly accessible on the subway.

Tell me you're happy living in Queens.

Go on, tell me.

Well, look whose hobby is being snobby.

- I like this idea.
- You like... ?

She has us in the guest room.

- So?
- [ABE] So,

when you have guests,
they'll sleep on top of us?

If they're feeling frisky.

And I suppose we get the vomit bathroom.

- Which one is that?
- [ABE] The one I watched

Ethan throw up in two
years ago voluminously.

It's been cleaned.

But take the one by my
bedroom. It's identical.

The overloaded Esther
diaper poopy bathroom.

Good grief. We'll share.

The-the bathrooms will be communal

so we can all be revolted together.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, you're a sneaky one.

You're a sneaky one!

- Papa.
- Abe.

You thought you could
just bring us over here

and play some music and get us drunk,

woo us with flowers and a nice dinner

and a cheap piano?

That's probably not even in tune.

- [PLAYS PIANO]
- Actually, it's perfectly in tune

and has a nice, warm tone,

but the rest of my point is valid.

I just want to take care
of you two. Pay you back

for the whole "having
me and raising me" thing.

You never should have bought
this place back, Miriam.

I mean, what man is
going to want a woman

- who owns her own apartment?
- He does have a point there.

- It does make you less feminine.
- Sorry.

Let me just hike up my shorts
and get in a good man scratch.

- Now, what was that again?
- If we're going to eat,

then let's eat. "Man scratch."

- Hi, Grandpa.
- Your mother thinks we're schnorrers.

- Hi, Grandma.
- Your grandfather's being stubborn.

- Hi, Mommy.
- Go back to bed, Ethan.

Papa, living with Moishe and Shirley

has been a nightmare for you.
They're nudists, for God's sake.

- You get used to it.
- Think about it.

This apartment, this neighborhood.

It's like your Willoughby,
right? From that program.

Inviting, peaceful, idyllic, home.

[ABE] Willoughby was the
name of the funeral home

the "push, push, push" guy ended up in.

He was dead at the end,

- Miriam. He jumped off the train.
- [MIDGE SIGHS]

You would know that if you listened!

You know, this Twilight
Zone sounds stupid.

Excuse me?

- Miriam.
- [MIDGE] Either everyone's dead

and they don't know it, or they think

they're dead but they're actually alive,

or they're from outer space
and they don't know it,

or they think they're dead
but they're from outer space

- and they don't know it.
- [ABE] Wrong.

Some people live in alternate realities.

Okay, stop. Just stop! Both of you.

Now, Abe, you listen to me.

We can't live with Moishe
and Shirley anymore.

We're losing what sanity we have left.

- Hmm.
- [ROSE] And no matter what you say,

you want to be back in this building.

- I know you do, and I do, too.
- [ABE SIGHS]

- Thank you.
- But we can't have

the neighbors think we're charity cases,

- Miriam. We need to agree on a cover story.
- A cover story?

We can't tell people our
daughter's supporting us.

It would be humiliating.

And it wasn't humiliating to
move in with Moishe and Shirley?

No, because we had a cover story.

- Love to hear it.
- We told people we were

moving out of our old apartment
due to Abe leaving Columbia

and that the fabulous apartment

we rented to replace it fell through,

and we were in litigation
with the seedy landlord

to get our deposit
check back. Mr. Crink.

- Who?
- The seedy landlord. You don't listen.

You gave the fake seedy landlord a name?

[ROSE] And we didn't want
to lease another place

until the lawsuit was settled,
so we temporarily moved in

with Moishe and Shirley. We
have a court case next week.

- For what?
- [ABE] Are you not listening?

To get the deposit back from Mr. Crink.

- Mr. Crink is not real.
- [ROSE] Now,

the logical cover
story for moving in here

is that Abe and I bought
the place back for you.

- What?
- That works for me.

So I did all of this
for you, and you want

to tell the whole world
that you did it for me?

That's not right.

- I didn't realize this was a contest.
- It's not.

I thought this was just an altruistic
thing you were doing for us.

- It is.
- Then we're agreed.

- On what?
- That you're moving in here with us. Right, Abe?

- It's done.
- Good.

I'm getting a drink.

Thanks for blowing the
doughnut thing, by the way.

She's in a severely fragile state,

so speak softly and no sudden movements.

- Right.
- Common rules.

No passing of contraband,
meaning dr*gs of any kind,

- weapons, or anything that can be weaponized.
- [SUSIE] Okay.

- Hold it, Lucille!
- That includes pens, pencils,

tools large or small, shoelaces, twine,

nail files, bottle openers, et cetera.

- Got it.
- Address only the patient you are here to see.

Do not open windows. Do not close doors.

- Are you following?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm following.

Over the weeks, we've curated
a list of specific things

that set her off and
are not to be mentioned.

Most seem to be the
names of past paramours.

They include the following:

"Vincent Price, Edgar G. Robinson,

Jan from Jan and Dean,
Dean from Jan and Dean,

Howlin' Wolf, Salvador
Dalí, Cubby O'Brien... "

- From The Mickey Mouse Club?
- "Fess Parker,

Igor Stravinsky, Adlai Stevenson... "

I'll leave the list. It's not short.

Finally, don't mention the city of
Cleveland or use the word "moist."

That last one I get.

Straight ahead.

[SUSIE CLEARS THROAT]

Sophie?

[GASPS] Mercy. Susie, you're here.

And of your own volition.

Oh, that makes it special.

You called me a dozen times.

I did? Oh, everything's so cloudy.

And the clouds. They're
all shaped like fruit.

There's a banana.

There's a kumquat.

Sit, sit.

- [SUSIE CLEARS THROAT]
- Mm.

So... How did you end up here?

Oh, Susie, I've been through such hell.

After Miss Julie, I
just spiraled downward.

Darkness enveloped me
like an old mink coat.

I needed help.

So I met with my lawyer,

my press agent, my business manager

and my investment
broker, and we all decided

that I should have a nervous breakdown.

Did you?

[LAUGHING LOUDLY]

[MAN LAUGHS]

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

[GASPS] Oh, here's my
dear Helen. Hello, Helen.

- Hello, Sophie.
- [SOPHIE] Just meeting with my manager.

[CHUCKLES] How's Leslie?

Still on the ventilator.
Somebody opened her window.

Well, that's against the rules.

- They're looking into it.
- [SOPHIE] Mm.

Ta, now.

See you at shuffleboard. [CHUCKLES]

- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- Holy f*ck!

You get used to it.

Look at us.

Mm. A couple of birdies
in the cuckoo's nest.

So, Sophie, I'm visiting, yes,

- but there's another reason I'm here.
- Dawes?

- Yes, ma'am.
- I believe it's time for my pills.

Your timing is impeccable,
ma'am, as always.

It is.

[SUSIE] Look, Sophie,

you seem like you're doing
well, and I'm happy about that.

Would you like one of the yellow ones?

I don't like the yellow ones.

We have a piece of
business we need to do.

Uh, it's something for you to sign.

Mm, you want my autograph?

Kind of. It's... [CLEARS THROAT]

just a document that says

we're no longer in any
kind of business together.

A lawyer looked it over and everything.

Um, it's kind of a formality

since, you know, we're never gonna have

anything to do with
each other ever again.

But you're my manager.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

I'm not your manager.

You got me on Broadway.

My manager did that.

- I'm not your manager.
- [SOPHIE] So many adventures before us.

Me and my manager.

I am not your manager.

- You are.
- I'm not.

Read this.

Well?

It's a dissolution of
your partnership, ma'am.

Is this really what you want?

Yes.

Fine.

[WOMAN WHISTLES, SHOUTS]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

It's time for my soapy bath.

[MAN] Lucille!

Hold it, Lucille!

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

[CARRIAGE RETURNS, BELL DINGS]

[CLACKING CONTINUES]

- [THUD]
- [MIDGE] Ow!

Miriam. Knock, please. It's a bathroom.

My bathroom.

You said the bathrooms were communal.

Is that no longer the case?

Yes, but why are you
working in my... the...

- our bathroom?
- Miriam,

I have no study, and
I need a writing space.

And it needs to be cozy because
I'm creative when I'm cozy.

But your... our other
bathroom is the same size.

But too close to the room where
your mother is trying to sleep.

This would wake her up,
and that would be rude.

Yes, you wouldn't want to be rude.

You have no red pens.

Anything else?

Door!

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

[DISHES CLATTERING]

[SIGHS]

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Mama. You're up.

And reorganizing my kitchen.

Everything was jammed
onto freakishly low shelves

because your vertically challenged
friend organized it that way.

I thought the layout worked.

For Tom Thumb, yes,
or the Lollipop Guild,

- but not for normal-sized people.
- Got it.

- Isobel?
- Imogene.

Papa! Mama's up!

[TV ANNOUNCER] ... all kinds
of new toys to play with.

Monkey Sticks! Ask for 'em by name.

Monkey Sticks! Only cents.

Monkey Sticks...

What do you want for breakfast, Ethan?

Cereal.

You're consistent. I
like that about you.

[DEBORAH] Welcome back, everyone.

[HARRIS] If you're here
in New York, you can get...

- [DOOR CREAKS]
- ... along with a legion of champion divers,

gorgeous mermaids and aqua-maniacs...

Mama?

- Did you bring the milk in?
- [ROSE] I did not!

- [DEBORAH] Lots of fun for the whole family.
- sh*t.

[HARRIS] You know a great way
to b*at the heat and the traffic

this holiday weekend,
no matter where you live?

- [ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES]
- [ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

- [JULIE] Miriam.
- [MIDGE] Oh!

Jesus Christ! Sneaking up on me, huh?

We just went for a walk.

Ah.

[ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES]

This.

I was afraid it would spoil
if it was out here much longer,

so I was just gonna pop it in
my fridge till you got back.

I was gonna do that for
everybody on the floor.

I'm like the Milk
Fairy. But you're back.

So no need to do that.

Here you go.

- Enjoy your milk.
- Nice to see you. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, and so nice your parents
bought your place back for you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[LINE RINGS]

[GUS] Anson Farms. Gus speaking.

Hi, Gus. This is Miriam
Maisel at Riverside.

Something happened with our
milk delivery this morning.

Yes. Maisel, Riverside.

- I was gonna call you about your account.
- What about it?

Says here you have no
credit history with us.

But that's not right. We had an
account with you for five years.

But it's your husband
who had the account. Uh,

Joel Maisel. That's who
we had the account with.

Right. And I'm Mrs. Joel
Maisel. His wife at the time.

Well, he paid the tab,
so it was his credit.

It was our credit.

And you're basically
starting from scratch,

so we need some cash up front.

- Sorry.
- I can't pour "sorry" on cereal.

Gus, just deliver me some goddam milk.

- Miriam.
- Ma'am, it's company policy.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Well, that's very nice. Gus.

Do you want to know something, Gus?

Your milk is really not that delicious.

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Kind of tastes like cow piss.

- Miriam.
- And your butter has a chemical stink.

- Ma'am.
- You just have some inferior cows, Gus.

Ma'am, I... - Just one
ex-customer's opinion, Gus.

Ma'am, there's no...

[TV ANNOUNCER] But think of the
picture you'll get in your home.

Even on a difficult reception...

It's toast or a banana, kid. Pick.

[ETHAN] No!

I don't want toast!

[TV ANNOUNCER] ... picture
tubes. As low as $ . .

See them at your RCA Victor dealer's.

[HARRIS] Welcome back, everyone.

- Some big news just crossed the wires.
- [ESTHER] One.

It's a f*cking man's world, sweetie.

- [ESTHER] Okay.
- International singing sensation

and proud son of Harlem Shy Baldwin

is getting married.

[DEBORAH] So many
brokenhearted ladies out there.

[HARRIS] Shy surprised
his longtime girlfriend,

Monica Johnson, by inviting
her onstage in Paris,

getting down on one knee,
and popping the question

in front of , rabid fans.

[DEBORAH] Très romantique.

[HARRIS] The nuptials
are said to be happening

here in New York City
when Shy gets a break

from his European tour dates.

We'll let you know when
we get more details.

[DEBORAH] In the meantime,
congratulations to the happy couple.

[HARRIS] Guess it's a good
thing she said yes with ,

- fans and witnesses.
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[DEBORAH] As if anyone
would turn down Shy Baldwin.

[LOUD BANG]

[PANTING]

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

[CRYING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hello?
- [TESS] Hey, sis.

- Good news.
- Good news?

- What, the check?
- They're cutting it today.

That's business talk.
When they write checks,

they don't say they're writing them.

They say they're cutting them.

You're a f*cking miracle worker.

Thank you. And, hey, I have a new job.

Wow. Where?

Here. At the insurance
office. Hi, Marcie.

- [MARCIE] Hi.
- What insurance office?

Our insurance office, dope.

Tess, how is it you're working
at our insurance office?

- Mr. B hired me.
- To do what?

To be a secretary person.

- Impossible.
- Look, I did what you said.

I slept with Mr. B, and he was like,

"Okay, the check's yours.

You'll have it Friday.
Let's do it again."

Okay, for the record,

I did not tell you to sleep with him.

I thought you did.

I said "flirt." I didn't say "sleep."

Anyway, now we're seeing each other,

so he was like, "You want a job?"

And I said, "Yeah, as long as
I don't have to work that hard."

And he said, "No problem." I
just need to do stuff to him

in the bathroom during lunch sometimes,

but I'm good with that.

I'm sorry, let me get this straight.

You are working at the insurance
office that we defrauded

and occasionally doing
stuff to the insurance agent

who's now technically in on the fraud?

That's what happens sometimes
when you sleep with guys.

I did not tell you
to sleep with the guy!

Don't yell. Come on, you
started the whole thing

when you stole your client's money.

I didn't steal it. I borrowed it.

But if you borrow it
without telling someone,

isn't that stealing?

Are you at the office now

where people can hear you?

Yeah. What's shaking, Kyle?

Then shut the f*ck up!

What a hothead.

I got to go. Say hello to your husband.

Oh, sure. He's thrilled I got a job.

Just get me that check pronto.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

[MIDGE] It's me.

Miriam? You sound weird.

They wouldn't increase my milk tab.

- Your what?
- My milk tab.

They'd increase it
for Joel but not for me

because the original
credit wasn't under my name.

So now to get milk, I have to pay money,

and I don't know why I'm
taking it so badly, but I am.

I'm sorry, they let you get
milk without paying for it?

How the f*ck did I not know about this?

I don't know. Susie, yesterday,

I was feeling on top of the world,

and right now I'm feeling
like nothing is gonna work out.

I was f*cking insane
to take this apartment,

and my mother's turning
my kitchen upside down,

and my father's in the bathroom,
topless, using my lipstick.

- Wait, what?
- Why did I buy this apartment?

Correction. I didn't buy
it. My parents bought it,

which makes me the schnorrer,
and I don't even get credit.

Any kind of credit.

And I pinched my daughter.
I should be up on charges.

You want me to come over?

Oh, and you know L. Roy Dunham

slammed me in his column again?

- Yeah, I saw it.
- He was raving

about some comic at the
Copa and said the guy's act

was unlike the unfunny meanderings

of no one's favorite Mrs. Maisel.

He writes about me

even when he's not writing about me.

Actually, he said, "The
deeply unfunny meanderings

of no one's favorite Mrs. Maisel."

- You memorized it?
- No, I have the paper.

Look, the guy's a dickhead.
Just forget about him.

Wait till he hears I can't
afford milk for my kids.

They'll be short and
arthritic, and Imogene will come

and arrange their kitchens for
them and the Lollipop Guild,

and Ethan's gonna get made
fun of every day of his life

because I couldn't get
him milk for his cereal.

That's what's happening.
That is my life.

- [GRUNTS, PANTING]
- Why are you grunting?

I put my bed in a different
place, but, of course,

it doesn't work there. It's got to go

back where it was when Joel, who's got

this phenomenal credit
history with the milk company,

lived here, which wasn't the point.

And I... I really
b*rned a bridge with Gus.

"Cow piss."

I'm a monster.

You know what's gonna happen, don't you?

- What?
- I'm either gonna wind up

married to Joel again,
although I don't know

how his girlfriend's
gonna feel about that,

or I better start trolling hospitals

for a nice doctor right now,

because this is not good.

I got some milk here. I can
bring it. It's only a week old.

No, thank you.

Because I should get off the phone

and go force-feed my
son some dry toast.

- [LINE DISCONNECTS]
- Miriam.

Thanks, Sal.

Thought your wife didn't
want you eating those things.

Called them heart att*cks on a stick.

- I'm between wives.
- That's too bad.

What's that make it now? Four? Five?

- Let's see, the first one was Susan.
- Sandra.

Thought the last one was Sandra.

I married two Sandras.

You're making it difficult.

The first Sandra was a dope fiend.

Then Dotty. She left you for Hal Roach.

Then you went international
with the flamenco dancer,

Conchita what's-her-name.

She also left you for Hal Roach.

Then the second Sandra
with the bouncing bazoombas.

Now, was there one
between Dotty and Conchita?

Look, Susie, if-if you
want to walk with me,

walk with me, all right?
Don't f*cking stalk me.

Okay.

So, talk to me. Why are you here?

It's Sophie.

Oh. Color me shocked.

[SIGHS] Man, she's snapped
or something, Harry.

Worse than ever.

We're talking full-on Frances Farmer.

She at that nut farm of hers?

Yeah, I went to see her up there.

Tried to get her to sign a release form.

Something legal. She won't do it.

Oh. Just-just run out the clock.

She's flamed out. It's over for her.

Boy. Cold.

Hey, it's a cold biz, baby.

[SIGHS] I should've listened
to you, Harry. You were right.

I'm always right. Don't
you know that by now?

In your own f*cked-up way,

you tried to warn me off
getting into business with her.

Yeah. Well, you got to go through

what you got to go through.

Oh, here's my bench.

You like my bench?

- How is this your bench?
- Read the plaque.

"Harry Drake, how sweet it is."

A gift from Gleason.

And look at this view.
It's beautiful, isn't it?

I can see two of the three penthouses

I lost to wives from here.

What?

You got her on Broadway.

But it was a disaster.
The Hindenburg times six.

But if Sophie was a little less crazy

and if you had just gotten
her past opening night,

- you'd be a f*cking legend.
- Wasn't meant to be.

And then I'd be
stalking you in the park.

[CHUCKLES] I got ten Broadway investors

- threatening to sue me.
- Oh, piss in a pot.

What week am I not being sued?

Look, this is the most
g*dd*mn litigious business

in the most g*dd*mn litigious city

in the most g*dd*mn litigious
country in the world.

It's America.

- So, how's your girl doing?
- Well, that's my other problem.

I don't know what the
hell to do with her.

Oh, yeah, the Shy Baldwin thing.

That's rough, kid. That-That's rough.

Well, now she's got this idea
of how she wants to go forward,

this whole master plan I
can't make heads or tails of.

- We're stuck.
- Well, then dump her.

- What?
- Dump her. Move on. Find someone new.

Not gonna dump her, Harry.

Still believe in her. More than ever.

She's got something. I know it.

She's just so f*cking headstrong.

But if you're not gonna dump her,

then get her ass back out on stage now.

But she's being so picky.
She likes basket houses.

Oh, no booze, no money.

- You don't have to tell me.
- Don't listen to her, Susie.

Look, comedians are crazy.

Every last f*cking one of them.

They make idiotic decisions.

They miss the forest for the trees.

So, she's pouted. She's
vented. You listened.

Now go get her back out on stage.

Yeah. You're right.

- And start diversifying.
- Huh?

Get yourself some more clients.

Listen, I-I got to go.

You know, I leave the
office for five minutes,

a dozen fires break out.

Hey, thanks, Harry. Really. Thanks.

And those Broadway guys?
I'm gonna make some calls.

The suing will stop.

- Really?
- People are talking about you, Susie.

- [CHUCKLES] Nothing good.
- Hey,

it doesn't matter what they're saying

as long as they're saying it.

The San Remo. Twelve rooms,

seven bathrooms, maids' quarters.

That's the one that hurt.

- I'll see you.
- See you.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Coming!

- Let's go.
- What?

Right now. Let's go. We're going out.

- Out where?
- Don't think.

Don't talk. Just walk.

Uh... Okay, fine.

I'll be right back.

Wrong way. Where you going?

- To grab a hat.
- No, don't,

- 'cause it won't be just a hat.
- Yes, it will.

Do not change your wardrobe. It's fine!

- [MIDGE] Just a hat!
- It's never just a hat!

[♪ THE RAT PACK: "WE OPEN IN VENICE"]

♪ We open in Venice ♪

♪ We next play Verona ♪

♪ Then on to Cremona ♪

♪ Lots of laughs in Cremona, eh, boy ♪

♪ Our next jump in Parma ♪

♪ That dopey, mopey menace... ♪

- Come on.
- I didn't know this is where you were taking me.

Where'd you think, Howard
Johnson's for some f*cking clams?

I could go for some clams.

- Get out.
- I like clams.

- I will force you out.
- You're being so bossy.

Get out and get in there.

♪ Lots of bars in
Cremona, our next jump... ♪

- Under protest.
- Noted.

♪ That tearless, fearless menace... ♪

Thank God you changed your outfit.

- Really.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, think about guys'
names on the Yankees, huh?

Wouldn't it be something if
Whitey Ford drove a Chevy?

Or if Mickey Mantle had
nowhere to put awards?

Do you think Jim Coates
gets cold in the wintertime?

Bobby, hey!

- Yeah?
- [SUSIE] I brought my girl.

- You make a cute couple.
- For a set.

- Sorry, slots are gone.
- [SUSIE] So?

- [BOBBY] So?
- Bump someone.

- [BOBBY] Why?
- Are you serious?

I had a girl comic here last week.

- Not this girl comic.
- Let's just go.

Bobby, you know she kills.

Even with an ass full
of Shy Baldwin shrapnel?

- f*ck you.
- Oh, okay, now I'll give her a slot.

- Really?
- [BOBBY] No.

But tell you what, I'll be a sport.

You can still come in if you want.

I'll even waive the cover. Just drink.

[DAVID] ... this new pitcher
the Yankees just got...

- Okay, that pisses me off.
- Pisses me off.

- You want a drink?
- I need a drink.

- Me, too.
- [DAVID] ... but one hell of an arm.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Hey, any of you hear about
this big new book by Harper Lee?

- [SCATTERED CHEERS]
- Beer.

Martini. Olives.

Guess what her favorite drink is.

Tequila Mockingbird.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Turns out we did go out for clams.

[DAVID] Okay, enough of me.

Time to introduce this very funny man

all the way from Crown Heights.

He even showered before
coming over. Here he is,

the big guy, Noah Birnbaum.

- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
- Noah Birnbaum?

- Noah Birnbaum.
- I'm sorry, Bobby wouldn't bump

Noah Birnbaum for me?

Have I fallen that far?

No, Bobby's just being a f*cking
little bunghole sissy-prick.

You are what you eat.

- Such a hack.
- Such a hack.

- Hello, everybody. How you doing?
- [SCATTERED REPLIES]

How does he choose
which generic salutation

to pull out of his sack of hack?

- Hack.
- Hack.

- Everyone got your drinks, yeah?
- [MAN] Yeah!

You know, a gentile's
favorite wine is cabernet.

- Am I right?
- Oh, I know where this is going.

A Jew's favorite whine is,

- "It's too cold in here."
- "It's too cold in here." Hack.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Hack.

[NOAH] I was walking by a
church with my friend Sid.

There was a sign that said, "
bucks if you become a Catholic."

Sid's like, "I need
some cash. I'm going in."

Fifteen minutes later,

he comes back out,
and I say to him, "Sid,

Sid, did you get the bucks?"

He looks at me, shakes
his head and says...

[NOAH AND MIDGE] "You Jews. All
you ever think about is money."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Ha ha ha, I'm Jewish.

- Shh!
- [CHUCKLES] That was loud.

- Like I care a f*ck. Another.
- [NOAH] Okay.

Moving on. Kid comes home from school,

tells his mom he got a
part in the school play.

- She says, "What role did you get?"
- Behind my back.

The kid says, "Jewish
husband." The mother says...

[NOAH AND MIDGE] "You go
back and tell the teacher

you want a speaking role."

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Nice.

- [MAN] You think this is funny?
- Huh.

Sounds like we got a
mockingbird in the audience.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Oh, we're having a
little fun, Bobby-Boy.

- Well, don't.
- [NOAH] Wasn't a fair fight.

Stewie, one more word,
and you throw them out.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Killjoy.

[NOAH] I feel bad for
Moses having to lead

a bunch of Jews through
the desert. What a headache.

[NOAH AND MIDGE] No wonder
God gave him two tablets.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Ma? Pop? It's me!

Joely! Oh, look at you
and your lazy man's load.

Pop wanted five years of returns.

And your system of two separate books

makes it bulkier than I thought.

Put those down. Put those down.

You'll stay and have something to eat.

- Nah, I should bolt.
- That's not a question.

That's an order. You're too skinny.

Uh, okay. Maybe a little something.

Smells good.

Oh, yes. I made all of your favorites.

Oh, I totally forgot.

Joely, this is Lena
Brofmann from up the street.

She's a teacher at P.S. .

- Say hi.
- Hi, Lena.

- Hi, Joel.
- Sweetie, what do you teach again?

Music. Harmony and composition.

And I'm a classical flautist.

- I was going to say.
- Hey, Ma...

Joel owns a music club,

so the two of you have a lot in common.

Isn't that wonderful?

Come on, both of you.

Sit, sit.

Lena.

- [LENA GRUNTS SOFTLY]
- A little more?

Yeah, a little more.

- Joely, sit down.
- [LENA EXHALES]

The two of you talk,
get to know each other.

Dinner's almost out of the oven.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

- Ow.
- You okay?

Just someone saying, "Hi, let me out."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Would you excuse me for a second?

Sure.

- Ma.
- Pretty, right?

- You're out of your mind. I'm not staying.
- Oh, you're staying.

Why isn't there a back
door in this place?

Two minutes ago, you
could stay. What changed?

- Lena Brofmann.
- What?

She's a pretty girl,
a talented musician.

- I wonder if she brought her flout.
- She's pregnant.

- Just a little.
- That kid is almost walking.

- Mm, needs salt.
- I am not gonna date a pregnant woman.

Oh, God, no, there is no time to date.

I'll tell her I'm sick.

- And that you're nuts.
- Joel,

you're a divorced man
with two young children.

You own a nightclub in Chinatown,

which is impossible to explain.

You can hardly afford to be choosy.

- Ma...
- You need companionship.

Someone to be with. A good
woman makes a good man.

Where do you think your
father would be without me?

Watch it. Now, you
give me one good reason

why you cannot go out there

and have a nice meal with that girl.

[SIGHS]

So...

- How do you like teaching?
- I love it.

Because I love kids.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[DAVID] All right, everybody give it up

for a very funny man: me.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- But give a little something

to my buddy Frankie Borden, too.

- Nice job, Frankie.
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Frankie Borden should be drawn,
quartered, r*ped by a zebra.

Frankie Borden, we hit bottom.

[DAVID] I've got a very
funny man coming up next.

Goes by the name of Billy Jones.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you. I did not birth
him, but I'll take it.

- Billy Jones?
- Holy sh*t.

They've hit the bottom of
the bottom. Billy Jones.

But before he comes
on, let me fill you in

on some upcoming shows.

There he is.

[SUSIE] Oh, he even stands like a hack.

[DAVID] First off,

one night only. We've
got a real treat for you.

- Big Dave is headlining...
- [MIDGE] Even Billy's walking out on his act.

- [SUSIE CHUCKLES]
- Ugh, his terrible act.

- I hear it in my nightmares.
- [DAVID] Catch him before he sneaks out to L.A.

- and out on his tab.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'll be right back.

- Wait, where are you going?
- [DAVID] Back with us at :

every night this week,
our house favorite,

Jess Clayton, returns

from his latest round
on the Vegas circuit.

If you like an international contingent,

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

headlining our :
and : p.m. shows...

- [SUSIE CLEARS THROAT]
- What's with the grin?

Well, Billy Jones
stepped outside to smoke.

Now, I figure we got a good ten minutes

before he figures the f*ck out
how to walk around the building

- and come back in.
- What?

I locked him out. [LAUGHS]

You are a little stinker.

- Yeah.
- [DAVID] So, here he comes.

He just got back from a world tour

if you call the world Scranton.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Everybody's favorite

except for that wife
of his, Billy Jones!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLES] Where are you, Billy?

Why you grinning?

[DAVID] Billy Jones!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

- Thank you, thank you.
- [MAN] Come on, Billy!

[WOMAN] Yeah, Billy!

- [MAN ] Is this Billy?
- [MIDGE] Whew!

- [MAN ] Where's Billy?
- Rough week. Women, huh?

You can't live with 'em, you can't...

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

You can't live with 'em.

- [WOMAN LAUGHS]
- Huh?

My wife. Oh, brother. She
saw a psychic who told her

that in a past life, she
was Mary, Queen of Scots.

I said, "Well, hope you had a good time,

honey, 'cause in this life,
you're Mary, Clean My Socks."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

- My wife is...
- [MAN] What the hell?

She says she wants a job.

- Can you believe that?
- You think this is funny?

I says to her, "Sweetie,
you got two jobs already

that you never show
up for: hand and blow."

- [WOMEN LAUGH]
- [MEN GRUMBLE, BOO]

I dedicate that one to my man Bobby.

Cut her mic! Cut the spotlight

- and get her off the stage.
- I got to go. Hey, why is it

that my wife always wants to
talk to me during the ball game?

- Oh, sh*t.
- It's like, honey, if I wanted you to ruin

something enjoyable, I'd
take you to the bedroom.

- [WOMEN LAUGH]
- [WOMAN] Come on!

You didn't bump Birnbaum.
You didn't bump Borden.

- What the f*ck is wrong with you?
- Get up and do your act, Billy.

- She just did it!
- But better. And in heels!

[WOMEN LAUGH]

- [MIDGE CHUCKLES]
- Banned for life.

- The both of you.
- Let go.

You were funny once, you
know that? What happened?

- [SUSIE LAUGHS]
- What's the matter, Bob?

You like these crap jokes
when Billy does them.

This is a business of
entertainment. You get that?

Our customers don't come here
to watch you make fun of it.

- [SUSIE BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- They come to have a good time.

- Well, that's all I was doing, Bobby.
- Hey.

Just trying to show people a good time.

Hey. Hey, buddy. Save your two bucks.

For a buck , I'll give
you a good time right here!

Hey! Come on. Who
here wants a good time?

- Huh?
- Whoa, whoa, what are you doing

- west of rd Avenue, honey?
- Oh! What?

- Come on.
- Hey, wait! Wait!

- She's a comedian!
- Yeah, she's hysterical.

[MIDGE] Hey, wait. Ow!

f*cking here we f*cking go again.

- [GABE SHOUTS]
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]

- Was that a good scream?
- That was a good scream.

- Very good.
- An exhilarating read.

I had to look up a couple
of words here or there.

[CHUCKLES] I was top of
my class at Princeton, Abe.

- I usually know words.
- I can change them.

Let our readers dust
off their dictionaries.

It'll be good for them. I red-penciled

a couple of tiny
things. No need to stay.

[CHUCKLES] Great. I'm happy.

Well, this will make you even happier.

And save us a stamp.

- What is it?
- Your first paycheck.

[CHUCKLES] My first paycheck. Wonderful.

You want the stamp? I'll
let you have the stamp.

No, I'll skip the
stamp. Thank you, Gabe.

Thank you, Abe.

[MIDGE] Everything we say to men

goes through some cockeyed
man filter that we don't have.

We say "no," they hear "yes."

We say "stop," they hear "go." We say,

"You want to have a good time?"

they hear, "You want
to have a good time?"

- [WOMEN LAUGH]
- Same thing, I know,

but they took it out of f*cking context.

- [COP BANGS ON CELL]
- Language, I know.

With me, it's always about language.

Tonight, I said something,
and I got busted.

But, you see, it's
not about what you say.

It's about where you happen to be

- when you say what you happen to say.
- [WOMAN] Right on.

And who happens to be around

when you say what you happen
to say where you happen to be.

- You know what I'm saying?
- [RHONDA] Cocaine?

Huh?

What you're in for.

Solicitation.

- In that dress?
- [WOMEN CHUCKLE]

Actually, what I'm in for

is daring to say certain words

within earshot of one
Officer f*cking Krupke.

Language, I know.

Need a light?

Huh? Thanks, sweetie.

[WOMAN] That girl need to take, like,

a week's sleep or something.

This your first time?

In jail? God, no.

- You?
- Yeah.

You'll get the hang of it.

I didn't mean...

Never mind.

So, where was I?

Oh, yeah, did we talk about Bobby yet?

Just Billy Jones.

- And Noah Birnbaum.
- [MIDGE] Oh, then I saved the best for last.

- [COP] Miriam Maisel!
- [MIDGE] Mm.

- You made bail.
- Just give me a second to finish up here.

Bobby.

I mean, that can't be his f*cking hair.

- [BANGS ON CELL]
- [WOMEN LAUGH]

I know it's above and beyond.

It's way the f*ck above and beyond.

You're getting it back.

Or we're walking into an ambush.

It's not an ambush. She's
a sweet, youthful girl,

and she didn't want to call her parents.

I mean, it's one thing burning
through cash bailing you out,

but bailing out a
hooker I don't even know?

- I'm not a hooker.
- Right, you're Miss Turnstile .

Oh, I'm glad you said
"right." Make a right on th.

I believe her.

She's not wearing underwear.

- Sometimes you got to let things breathe.
- Hey, are we going in circles?

Just two blocks more, th.

I actually had a better time
in jail than at that hacky club.

Better lighting, too.

Bobby is a d*ck. That
club is dead to us.

That's my point, Susie. I
don't want to play the game.

- I'm too old.
- You're not even .

I feel ancient.

I just want to stick to the Gaslight

or the other clubs in the Village.

Places I can talk. Be me.

Sure.

Stick to the Village,
stick to the basket houses,

but try making a living.

Moneymaking clubs make
their money off alcohol.

I know. I ran the Gaslight.

Without alcohol, there's no money.

I'll play three shows
a night. Four. Five.

Nothing times five is still nothing.

Without alcohol, there's no money.

For either one of us.

- Yeah.
- [GLORIA] Hey, we passed it.

Oy f*cking vey.

I always take the subway.
When you get off the A train,

it's two blocks up and one over.

Does that help?

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Mikey.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Hey, Bunny. I got arrested!

[BUNNY] Good for you.

Coffee. You want some coffee?

- I need some g*dd*mn coffee.
- I'm okay.

[GLORIA] Does anybody have a ?

[WOMAN] Twenty? What am
I, f*cking Rockefeller?

[WOMAN ] Honey, we're all broke.

[GLORIA] I'm two dollars short,

but I've got it all besides that.

I should've warned you about the coffee.

[SUSIE] How would you put it into words?

[BUSY CHATTER]

[WOMAN] Let me borrow your lipstick.

That color looks better on me anyway.

- [MEN WHOOPING]
- [APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC GROWING LOUDER]

[CHEERING]

♪ ♪

- [MUSIC ENDS]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MAN WHOOPS]

- You new?
- [MAN] Hey, yeah!

Let's have a round of
applause for Lana LaRue!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

A nice, patriotic young girl.

- I can see that a bunch of you guys are still saluting.
- [DRUM STING]

- Hey, yeah!
- [MAN ] Keep the change, sweetie.

- And keep them coming.
- [MAN] Hey, nice suit.

Must be a naked cadaver
in a morgue somewhere.

- [DRUM STING]
- [MEN CHUCKLE]

Speaking of cadavers,
you've heard of rigor mortis?

I'd k*ll to be young,

but I didn't know I'd have to die

- to stay stiff.
- [DRUM STING]

- [MEN LAUGH]
- So, this is my last night here at the Wolford.

Don't everyone congratulate me at once.

[MAN ] Happy retirement!

[MAN] I'm too in
demand to retire, buddy.

I got a better gig.

- ♪ You'll miss me when I'm gone ♪
- [MEN GROANING]

♪ Oh, you're gonna miss me so much ♪

Eh, your loss.

So, old Cliff wanted me to stay.

Said he had a plan
to bring in more cash.

A family-friendly
night. Bring the kiddies.

- It's a two-milk minimum.
- [DRUM STING]

- [MEN LAUGH]
- Hey, it's not a bad idea.

- We already got the udders.
- [DRUM STING]

- [MEN GROAN]
- So, I'm looking forward to my next gig.

Crowd's a little more sophisticated.

Little more mature.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[JOEL EXHALES]

We got to tell my parents about us.

[MEI SNORING]

I put it off as long as I can.

Does the name Lena Brofmann
mean anything to you?

- [SUSIE] Hey.
- Whoa, stop.

How the hell did you get in?

I don't know, complete lack of security?

- What's this?
- The money you lent me

to reimburse the money
I was holding for Midge

- that I kind of... misplaced.
- Gambled away.

What about that guy at
the insurance company?

- He still coming after you?
- Oh, my sister's blowing him

in the office bathroom every
day at lunch, so we're good.

So, that's it. We are squared away. Hmm?

I am back to square one. Less than that

after posting bail for
Miriam and that hooker.

Every sentence you speak
is worse than the last one.

Wait.

Don't you ever... and I mean ever...

do something shifty with
my wife's money again.

- Ex-wife.
- Don't.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[DISHES CLATTERING]

[MAN] Can I help you?

[MAN ] I'd like to
see the man in charge.

[MIDGE] Mama?

Everything's on the too high shelf.

I'm not a giraffe. I need my
kitchen the way it should be.

Carry on.

[MAN] Where was this m*rder committed?

[MAN ] San Francisco last night.

[MAN] Who was m*rder*d?

[MAN ] I was.

Papa?

Miriam. Hello.

- How was your night?
- Fine.

I got arrested for prostitution.

[CHUCKLES] Ah, that's nice.

Everything okay?

Oh, sure. Everything's fine.

Although I do have a very serious thing

I'd like to discuss with you. Sit.

- Sit, sit.
- [PATTING FLOOR]

[SLURS] Miriam.

That is not your first glass.

I think it's wrong

that a man should be
supported by his daughter.

It's against the laws of
father-daughter-daughter-dom.

- Okay.
- I got my first paycheck

from the Voice today,

and I'm giving it to
you... the whole thing...

to cover some household expenses.

- Take it. Take it.
- Papa, really, I...

[MIDGE EXHALES]

- This is a full week?
- Yes.

What will it cover?

Honestly?

I insist on full honesty.

An egg?

Eggs are good. So, one egg?

Maybe two.

One short of an omelet.

It could also cover a
certain quantity of salt.

- Half a carrot.
- [CHUCKLES]

You're sure this is a full week?

That is my weekly paycheck, Miriam.

Did they tell you it was
gonna be this small an amount?

I think so. I was just so excited

when they hired me, I may
not have been listening.

I should've taken that stamp.

- That what?
- Nothing.

Join me.

You know what the irony
is about this whole thing?

- Mm.
- The job.

It's great. I mean...

it's really great.

I like these people.

They're different. Smart but... looser.

And it's the funniest thing.

Yeah?

They seem to like me.

Everyone likes you.

No one at Columbia liked me.

Oh, look at this.

- Wow. It's you! Frame that.
- [CHUCKLES]

No. I can't afford framing.

It'll buy more than enough.

I was joking.

But what can the
government buy with the...

cents of taxes they withheld, huh?

Let's see. A fighter jet?

Nah. They're, like, a buck something.

- Some staples.
- But not the stapler.

- That's gonna take a while longer. [LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLES]

Okay, Papa, I know this is a shock,

but look at it this way.

You are doing something that you love.

Yeah.

The both of us. Pursuing our art.

Although one of us pursuing banking

- would've been smart.
- Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you can handle all this?

To art.

To art.

[♪ CC: "ART FOR ART'S SAKE"]

♪ Gimme your body ♪

♪ Gimme your mind ♪

♪ Open your heart ♪

♪ Pull down your blind ♪

♪ Gimme your love ♪

♪ Gimme it all ♪

♪ Gimme in the kitchen,
gimme in the hall ♪

♪ Art for art's sake ♪

♪ Money for God's sake ♪

♪ Art for art's sake ♪

♪ Money for God's sake ♪

♪ Money talks, so listen to it ♪

♪ Money talks to me ♪

♪ Anyone can understand it ♪

♪ Money can't be b*at ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ When you get down, down to the root ♪

♪ Don't give a damn, don't give a hoot ♪

♪ Still gotta keep makin' the loot ♪

♪ Chauffeur driven ♪

♪ Gotta make her quick as you can ♪

♪ Give her lovin', make you a man ♪

♪ Get her in the palm of your hand ♪

♪ Bread from heaven ♪

♪ Keep me in exile the rest of my days ♪

♪ Burn me in hell but
as long as it pays ♪

♪ Art for art's sake ♪

♪ Money for God's sake ♪

♪ Art for art's sake ♪

♪ Money for God's sake ♪