09x14 - The Steve Weekend

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s, my
brother was an unlikely ladies' man.

But when he met Joanne, an
equally unpredictable wildcard,

he finally found his perfect fit.

Thank you for attending
this emergency presentation

of our plans for your bachelor
and bachelorette parties.

None of this seems like an emergency.

Shut up! Let's begin with diving,

scuba, cliff, and sky.

Your body might explode from all
the drastic changes in pressure.

Yeah, the only thing I'm jumping
out of is bed every morning at : .

More time for a lazy
breakfast with a book.

Fret not, my gutless friend.

I'll strap you to my back
so if the chute doesn't open,

we'll smash together
into an indecipherable slop

that our parents will pour
into a single grave.

- Aw.
- Fun.

Joanne, what do you got for me?

Are we doing the two-man soup coffin?

Better! We will be flying to
Seville to run with the bulls!

Or possibly Chicago to run with
Bulls forward Scottie Pippen.

I prefer neither.

Hell you say?

I spent minutes on this stuff.

Sorry, we're just not interested
in group danger or injury.

But it is my duty as your best man

to possibly ruin your life
with one filthy weekend.

And my duty as a person who wants to do

improper and vulgar stuff.

We have the solution. We're going
to do a simple, co-ed weekend

- with our friends at the beach.
- Boring!

[Scoffs] It won't be
as boring as you think

because all of your exes will be there.

Bar, will you be okay spending time
with Lainey, Ren, and Valley Erica?

Worry about them.

I'll be parading around
in my white Speedo

with foxy Joanne in her white Speedo.

- JOANNE: Aw.
- BARRY: Yeah, aw.

- Get over here. [Grunts]
- Oh, ooh!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was February
rd, -something,

and my mom was meeting
with the officiant

of my sister's wedding,
my dad's friend, Vic.

And I boned up on your
people's marriage rituals,

and nowhere in your sacred texts

is it kosher for the mother-in-law

to hold hands with the bride and groom

as they do their vows.

I guess we'll just have to wait
for our three-person dance.

Beverly, I assume you've seen this
morning's Jenkintown Examiner?

Ooh, I love the Examiner.

They did that expose
on the donut place I like.

My love of crullers helped
fund the w*r in Nicaragua.

No, this is about our
children's wedding announcement.

Kinda what I wanted to talk
to you about, Beverly.

"Geoffrey Todd Schwartz,
son of L and L Schwartz,"

"to wed Erica Goldberg,
daughter of Beverly Goldberg,"

"beloved cookbook author,
beloved almost lawyer,"

"and beloved Quaker Warden
of William Penn Academy."

Are you concerned there
aren't enough "beloveds?"

I faxed you a cornucopia
of biographical information,

none of which you included.

Space was limited.

So limited you couldn't
include our first names?

And why is there a photo of you?

Well, I commissioned a
portrait, but it wasn't ready.

[Chuckles] Now, thanks for stopping
by, but I have a wedding to plan.

Well, why don't I take
something off your hands?

Uh, well, you could valet the cars?

I'm the father of the groom.

Also, I can't get in and out
of those low Japanese models.

How 'bout this? I make
the video tribute.

Adam's on that.

Oh, Adam's not on that.

These are the last couple
months with m'lady friend, Brea,

so I'm kinda trying to...
you know, make hay.

[Chuckles] The fellas get it.

- Not really.
- A little shame is a good thing, son.

So it's decided then.

Now if you'll excuse me, I probably
should return this to the library.

[Door closes]

You gotta spy on Lou
while he makes this video.

- No thanks!
- Yes, thanks!

This wedding is a sacred
event to our family.

I need to know if Lou Schwartz
is doing me dirty!

Doing you dirty?

The man has season tickets
to something called

"Jazz Under the Stars."

I'll buy you something expensive.

That's all you had to say.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
suspected Lou was up to no good,

Geoff and Erica were down the
shore for their big weekend.

[Sighs] What's with the flowers?

They're for Barry's exes.

He thought it'd be a
nice way to welcome them.

While my former lovers may no longer
be able to enjoy my ripped bod

or neon charisma,

these flowers from the
open lot across the

street should ease the
longing. [Chuckles]

I'm gonna ignore it all and ask
that you never say "lovers" again.

Hi.

ALL: JTP!

JTP! My boys are in the house!

Yeah, we are!

- And we're psyched, man!
- Totally.

When we first heard you were
doing something nontraditional,

we were like, "What?"

Yeah, but then we realized
we're single men.

We can do unspeakable acts
any time we want.

Oh, big time.

I am just one bad choice away

from ruining my life and many others.

Well, why don't you dip your
toes in these rough waters

and try this crudites plate?

[Laughs] Oh, carrot crazy.

- We made it!
- [Squeals]

Barely. We had a little
problem with our flight.

Uh, a flight of tequila at
our stopover in Detroit.

Yeah. I like the clear kind
and also the other kind.

- Oh.
- So much.

There they are, all my former flames.

Just a little bit dimmer.

Here, let me throw
some kerosene on that.

And what are these for?

For your bravery.

Why are we brave, exactly?

Well, you showed up here
at the great personal cost

of being around me

and my erotically
potent lady friend, Joanne.

She's also my sister, so it
takes time getting used to.

Anyway, you gutsy spinsters
need help with your bags?

Oh, we're good. The guys are on it.

Guys? On it? Good?

Everyone, this is my husband,
Dr. Stephen Stephens.

His name is ridiculous, but he is rad.

It's nice to meet all of you.

- [Cellphone ringing]
- Oh, I should take this.

Dan Majerle pulled his groin again.

"Thunder" Dan Majerle
from the Phoenix Suns?

Dr. Steve is their doctor.

He's, like, always dealing
with their groins.

You hear that, Bar?

Dr. Stevie Stevenson has your dream job.

Please.

Does he also own a secret
chocolate factory on the side,

but instead of chocolate, it's biscuits?

I just met him, but I'm % certain no.

- No, right?
- No, it's definitely no.

- No.
- Oh!

This is my special guy. Mwah!

- Also Steve.
- Am I crazy, or does he look familiar?

[Chuckles] Okay, nobody freak out,

but Steve is one of
Willie Aames' stand-ins

on the TV show Charles in Charge.

- Oh, so cool!
- BARRY: Big deal.

So you have his curls,
his dimples, his easy way.

You don't have his bank account.

No, but my dad invented two-sided tape,

so I'm much richer.

[French accent] Bonjour!

- Is place?
- Is place. Come here.

Guys, meet my
new boy toy, Stephan.

He's very pretty.

Yeah, he is, and so tall, too.

We're gonna be fast friends.

Uh, unlikely. The only English
he knows is "Is place?"

Oh, then how'd you two get together?

You know, we have
other ways of communicating.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Okay, who wants top bunk?
- Whoo!

- This way.
- That way.

I guess she's just gonna keep
us hanging on the other ways.

Barry, this is great.

You were worried about nothing.

All of your exes are thriving.

Oh, sweet, impossibly naive
Joanne, don't you see?

They're not thriving.
They're dying inside.

- They are?
- Yes.

It's all an elaborate,
multi-person charade

to hide their true feelings for moi.

It would be sad
if it wasn't hilarious.

[Laughs] Laugh with me.

[Forced laughing]

As Barry was seeing his exes
in a new light,

something dark was going on
with Lou's wedding tribute.

Hi, Dr. Schwartz. My mom sent
me over with some family photos

for the wedding montage video.

I'll be sure to add them to the pile.

My mom was also hoping I
could help out with the video.

No need. I've already hired a pro.

Oddly, his name is also Adam Goldberg.

Well, well, Adam Goldberg the lesser.

You two know each other?

Former foes, current
apathetic acquaintances.

Future who knows.

I thought you moved to Hollywood
to work in the dream factories.

I did, armed with the best
Mr. Belvedere script ever written.

The studio brass said that?

My nana did.
She's impeccable with story.

Unfortunately, the entirety
of show business disagreed.

None of this came out in the interview,

but thanks for dropping by, Adam.

I'd like him to stay.

I need some extra hands
sorting all this crap.

You mean my treasured family memories?

It's pictures set to music.

It ain't Belvedere, brother.

- Maybe I can see what you have so far?
- No, no, no, no.

You can start by fueling up
our creative tanks with coffee.

Oh, I'm no good with tasks.

That's the industry, kid.

You start at the bottom
and work your way up

to paying rent to live
in your nana's sunroom.

And so, instead
of keeping an eye on Lou,

I was keeping an eye
on his lengthy to-do list.

I got the dry cleaning.

It would've been easier if
you had given me the ticket,

or the address.

I'm back from the vet.

Mitzy's a**l glands
are officially expressed.

Back from all the McDonald's
in the Philly area.

Turns out it's not
Shamrock Shake season,

as I gently tried to explain to you.

I'm back.

Where's Lou?

I somehow found extra-large
toenail clippers.

Wait, you haven't even cracked
open my mom's photo album yet.

Welcome to the nasty side
of weddings, pal.

It's not all about the
happy couple's special day.

What are you saying?

I'm saying this video
tribute is all Schwartz.

As Lou was putting
his family front and center,

my brother was calling for backup.

Thank you for coming to this emergency
: a.m. meeting of the JTP.

You told us there'd be bagels and OJ.

That was a cover for the
reason we're gathering,

to stop my exes
from ruining this weekend.

But there's a poppy seed
and juice in front of you...

That's where I got the idea for the lie.

Think before you interrupt
me, Matt Bradley.

How exactly are Lainey, Ren, and
Valley Erica ruining the weekend?

Well, it's become painfully clear

that they're not over me
and desperately want me back.

That is not clear.

One of them is married.

Yeah, last night I heard
Stephan and Ren's

fondness for each
other through the wall.

They snatched up a trio of losers

to try and ease the pain of seeing me.

Dude. Steve runs
with the brat pack's B-team,

Dr. Steve rebuilt Jeff Hornacek's knee,

and Stephan's butt and
jaw were just featured

in a Calvin Klein magazine ad!

[Chuckles] I took a look. It's nice.

But do they have what I have?

An exaggerated sense of self-worth?

A big toe with a really small nail?

[Sighs] I was going
to say the nail thing.

Barry magic. [Chuckles]

So there's only one thing to do.

Nothing. It's obviously nothing.

I will shame their boyfriends
with my intense masculinity

until they are forced to leave
under a cloud of humiliation.

How would that help anything?

It will force my exes to admit
their undying love for me.

Then, after many tears,
we can all begin to heal.

I guess from a twisted, shoehorned,

almost % wrong point of
view, that makes some sense.

- Some indeed.
- Great news!

Today, we're going to have some
fun playing The Bach-lympics.

It's a combination of
"bachelor" and "Olympics."

Everybody gets it, Geoff.

Anyway, we're going to be playing games.

Physical and mental challenges

that showcase one's dominance
over weaker foes.

It's perfect.

Your tone and words suggest
you're not approaching this

with the fun that's intended, but okay.

I will crush these men
under my Jordans.

Or flip-flops if it's on the sand.

This seems like a huge mistake.

I'm too tired and hungry to stop him.

I would not wear flip-flops
with your weird big toe.

[Laughs]

ADULT ADAM: Lou had cut our family
from the wedding video tribute,

and it was up to me to tell my mom.

Hey, Mr. Brown, is my mom around?

She stepped out to yell
at a wedding vendor.

Something about destroying
their entire lineage

if they don't get the stemware correct.

She's a volatile lady.

She's not gonna take
what I have to say easy.

Lay down your burden, Adam.

I'm a deacon, and that means
more than just driving

the church shuttle to and from
the devotional softball game.

That kind of
sounds official.

Lou's not including our family
in the video montage at all.

Oh, no! I can't know that!

You have to tell your
mother so her and Lou

can, uh, discuss this calmly
and rationally, as adults.

Calm? Rational?

Those words don't sound like
things my mom is or ever will be.

There's my Schmoo.

Did you find out Lou's trying
to steal the wedding yet?

How'd you know?

That overstuffed pastry
bag was so obvious.

Come on, dish the dirt to Mama.

He's not using a single
photo of us in the video.

But we can still be
reasonable about this.

I'll be as reasonable with the seating
chart as he's being with the video.

Say hello to the parking lot,
Lou's cousin Glen.

Oh, but Cousin Glen's flying
in from Shaker Heights!

- I can't be a part of this.
- Too late.

You are gonna go destroy that tape if

you have to burn the
place to the ground.

♪

That's arson.

Only if you get caught. Go!

Thanks for the help, Deacon Do Nothing.

Only God can judge me.

And I imagine he isn't pleased.

While my mom was settling
the score with Lou,

Barry was attempting to score
in The Bach-lympics.

[All laughing]

Okay, one, two, three, toss!

First was the egg toss.

[Grunting] [Egg splats]

Damn it, Naked Rob!
How about a heads up?

[Grunts] Next was the quick change.

Alright, Stephan and I are done!

[All laughing]

Ooh-la-la! That's what I'm taking home.

- This is rigged!
- [Others laughing]

Stephan's a model! He
changes clothes for a living!

And then came the name-guessing game.

Okay, it's two words.
The first is your dream job.

- Ninja.
- No.

- Vampire hunter.
- No.

- Intercontinental wrestling champion?
- No!

- And time.
- [Groans]

"Dr. Zhivago"?

That's not anyone's name.
I demand a fourth do-over.

No. And it's time to
check our leaderboard.

ALL: Ooh!

Impossible!

- Barry...
- You're all cheating

by being knowledgeable about
your partners and the world!

Off I go!

As my brother had lost
his grip on the Steves,

my mom had sent me to get my
hands on Lou's wedding tribute.

Hey. Did you finish the video yet?

Just slapped my "a film by" credit on

to let the crew know they're just cogs.

And just like that,
I was alone with the tape.

It would be so easy to destroy.

Hello, Adam.

Or not.

What have you got in your hand there?

Just your finished video.

Easy now.

Set the tape down, slow.

I think I'm gonna hold onto it
for a sec.

Don't do
anything stupid, son.

♪

There!

We're all safe now.

Argh! Dr. Schwartz, please!

As a doctor, a pillar of the community,

and as a father, don't do this.

Be the bigger man.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I have taken this too far.

It's okay.

You're not the only one.

You should see what my mom was
doing to the seating chart.

- Oh?
- Well, let's just say

your family was pushed
behind the carving station.

I understand.

I don't understand!

Cousin Marlene is in the overflow room?

- She has a palsied foot!
- You like that?

Well, wait till you see
where I put your parents.

The freight elevator,
next to Great Uncle Yankel?

You [Bleep] with Bev,
you get [Bleep].

Okay, there's the low point.

- The wedding is off!
- And yet lower we go.

You can't call the wedding off
because I'm calling it off.

Neither of you can call it off.

Fine! The wedding is back on,

but I will make sure
it is terrible for you.

Oh, you don't know terrible!

Trust me, no one knows terrible
more than she does, man.

As the wedding battle hit a fever pitch,

my brother was taking one last
swing at b*ating the Steves.

The trophy goes to...

Me! Or it will, after
our last competition,

a rap battle between me
and Dr. Steve for points.

You're behind by .

One million points.

Yeah, let me just check the rules.

- No.
- It's agreed.

Dr. Steve, do you accept my
challenge, or do you admit defeat?

[Cellphone beeps] Sorry, um, I was
on the phone with the Suns' gorilla.

He twisted his ankle on a trampoline
jam. Are you talking to me?

Barry, can I talk to you privately?

Not now. I'm about to drop
some funky cold medina.

Okay, Big Tasty, you
can begin or whatever.

[Rapping] ♪ Dr. Steve
Older than the hills ♪

♪ You gotta help him walk
or he'll take big spills ♪

♪ Hollywood Steve
ain't nothing like me ♪

♪ Just a poor man's Aames
a wee Willie Wee ♪

♪ Stephan can't
understand a word ♪

♪ Body by Jake but the face of a turd ♪

♪ And then there's me the
greatest ex-boyfriend ♪

♪ The man who rocked the world
of Lainey that one and Ren! ♪

[Clapping]

[Sighs] Wow.

I mean, I think we have our winner,

but what the heck,
I will give it a try.

- Do I have to spit as much as he did?
- Please don't.

♪ Geoff and Erica, a love born so true ♪

♪ For him and for her there's
nothing they won't do ♪

♪ When Geoff first saw you
his loving heart was slain ♪

♪ A woman so strong who still
had hands like the rain ♪

♪ Delicate and soft a touch he needed ♪

♪ So to his deepest passion
this great man heeded ♪

♪ So together, they embark
on their journey of love ♪

♪ A God-given miracle
from heaven above! ♪

[All cheering and applauding]

That was amazing!

That made my entire weekend.

Dr. Steve, how did you do that?

Well, I kind of channeled
all the love I'm feeling

in this house, I guess.

- I have two words for you...
- Nice job?

You suck and you're old!

Well, that was five words, and I'm .

My God, enough!

This whole weekend, you've been
trying to impress your exes,

barely paying attention to me.

You're not over any of them.

But at least now it's
clear who you are over.

Me.

- Joanne, come on.
- Mmm-mmm.

♪

Thanks to my mom and Lou,
the wedding was falling apart.

So I decided to try
and put it back together.

I need to make things right,
and I need your help to do it.

That's what Wesley said in
season two's seminal episode,

- "Requiem."
- Mr. Belvedere?

Sorry. Sometimes,
I forget the world at large

doesn't share my passion
for all things Belv.

Look, I know if we work together,

we can make a wedding tribute
video so magical,

it could end all this madness.

But if you won't do it for love or art,

would you do it for money?

You had me at money.

And just like that, we got down to work.

We used Schwartz
photos, Goldberg photos,

even my home movies.

And so I gathered the folks
who needed to see it most.

[Tape rewinding]

ANNOUNCER: Up next, Mr. Belvedere.

"Mr. Belvedere"?

I'll tell you what it's not,

loving pictures of our family
set to a James Taylor song!

Damn it, it happened again.

Those trucker pills were
supposed to keep me focused.

Can I go? I despise
that fussbottom butler.

Maybe because he reminds you of you,

a cranky buttinsky who
oversteps his role!

Oh, hell no!

I will not stand here while you sully

Lynn Aloysius Belvedere's good name!

Aloysius?

Guys! We wanted to remind you

that weddings are about coming together,

joining forces, and being better for it.

Erica and Geoff are making a commitment

to spend the rest of
their lives together.

Why can't you celebrate that?

I have been.

At the exclusion of the Schwartzes!

He went too far with the video,

but this all started with
that wedding announcement.

That was very hurtful.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just you're this
accomplished eye doctor,

and I'm just the mother of the bride.

[Sighs] I wanted to feel important, too.

Beverly, you're incredibly important.

You raised a wonderful daughter

that we're beyond delighted
to welcome into our family.

And two great sons.

If you say so.

You're right.

[Voice breaking]
I am a mother and a hero.

♪

See, this is what it's all about.

You know what?

It is what it's all about.

I have so much work to do.

Making a montage video that
includes both of our families?

No, man. I'm gonna take another
cr*ck at my Belv script.

Toodle-oo.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom and
Lou were making things right,

Barry was trying to figure out
where he went wrong.

Can I ask you guys something,

based on your intimate knowledge of me?

You and I kissed once at a party,

but, sure, I'll give you life advice.

Why do I always ruin
the good things I have?

Look, Bar, you're the best,
but you can also be a little...

Emotionally out of control?

I was gonna say intense.

And you're never better than
when you're not worrying about

what other people think of you.

Or trying to show off.

You have a giant heart, and
you were a great boyfriend.

I was?

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

I thought your name was Gary
until this weekend.

Just be honest.
No weird plans or schemes.

Just tell her how you feel.

I think I can do that.

We know you can.

I don't know that you can, but maybe?

[Scoffs]

♪

Joanne, I know I've been a jerk.

Yeah, you have.

Look, all the women I ever dated

are now with amazing men,
so I freaked out.

Because you're jealous. Yeah, I get it.

Because I got scared that
you might be the next one

to leave me and go find your Steve.

You really think that?

Seems to be the pattern.

Barry, I would never dump you
for some amazing guy

because you're my amazing guy.

[Higher Love plays]

You're my Steve. [Chuckles]

Guess I am the big winner this weekend.

[Chuckles] Yeah, you are.

We both are. [Chuckles]

♪ Bring me higher love ♪

Weddings bring people together.

The stress that comes with them

can sometimes drive them apart.

- Give it up for Dr. Steve!
- [All cheering]

But then again, what brings
everybody back together

is remembering why they were
all there in the first place.

'Cause when you celebrate love

with the people you care about the most,

there's no such thing as a bad seat.

Don't worry, kids, the
wedding is back on.

- What?
- I don't even want to know.

Even if getting there can
sometimes be a little confusing.

Uh-oh. We still don't have
a seat for your Aunt Edna.

That woman is a pill. She
always pats my belly and says,

"Looks like you're having twins."

- [Gasps]
- Screw you, Aunt Edna!

At least I have eyebrows.

Well, why don't we put Aunt
Edna in the caterer's kitchen?

I like where your head's at.

And I am not fond of my cousin
Ronnie who still cleans pools,

so why don't we put him
in the smoking section?

[Both laugh]

We work well together.

Weddings really do bring out
the best in people.

[Laughs]