05x02 - Rip Taylor's Cell Phone

[bunniefuu]

FRANKIE: Hey, can you pass me those?

Yeah, no. Those ones.

Those look really good.

- No. Mom.
- Hi. I'm here.

I need to purchase some
items. I'm a patron.

Fine. I'll be by the plants.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SUCKS IN THROUGH TEETH]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me.

I can't help but notice

that you're wearing
a Land of the Lostjacket?

Yes?

Are you Sid or Marty?

I'm Marty, the good-looking one.

Oh, my God. This is unbelievable.

I'm your biggest fan.

I don't even know what to say.

Look, I'm shaking.

Don't get excited.

I'm only a human being.

And, by the way, what's your name?

- I'm Sam.
- Sam.

What's your profession?

Well, I-I'm an actor, and also recently

I've been lucky enough to be
employed behind the scenes.

Like, like what you do.

You know what... And
this is important...

Don't ever let them f*ck you.

And let me give you some
advice that my dad gave me.

Don't ever, ever give up.

'Cause if you give up on Tuesday,

there is no Wednesday,

and Wednesday could've been the day.

I have something to give you.

- My card.
- [GASPS]

You got to promise me

you'll only sell it
if you need the cash.

I promise.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Marty.

I will treasure this.
Can I give you a hug?

Absolutely.

- [WHOOPS]
- Can you buy me the flowers?

- Hey, Marty!
- [LAUGHS]: Yeah!

- Oh.
- Thank you so much, Marty.

- Bye.
- Oh, my God.

Do you guys know who that is?

- He's a legend.
- Yeah, he's a regular.

You brought me up watching his shows.

[LAUGHING]: Oh, my God, I'm done!

- Dead! [SQUEALS]
- Did he give you his card?

Oh, he gives everybody his card,

which isn't smart for a minor celebrity,

if you really think about it.

Because, you know, flooding
the market depreciates its value.

Oh.

- Guys!
- FRANKIE: Mom, no.

- Really?
- Okay, "humans," "human people."

- Look!
- Mom! Don't touch it.

Okay. Okay.

Lens cloth.

- FRANKIE: God.
- SAM: Oh, my God.

Some little girl lost her cell phone.

- Again, with the gender assumptions.
- JASON: Oh, sad.

Okay, Rip Taylor lost
his cell phone. Whatever.

- Jesus.
- Wow.

Aw...

Maybe there's an address on here

- or something.
- Ridiculous woman.

Mom, can we hurry, please?

- We have to drop off Jason at home.
- Well, what do I do with this?

I-I don't know. Look for ICE on it.

- What's "ICE"?
- What is "ICE"?

"In Case of Emergency."

Just tap it.

Okay, see? Right there. ICE.

Mom and Dad. Call the dad.

Call the dad.

[LINE RINGING]

MAN [OVER PHONE]: !¡Hola, chaparrita!

Are you calling papá from your room?

Oh, hi. Actually, it's not chaparrita,

but I do have her phone.

Que? What? You do?

Where did you get it?
Where is my daughter?

- [g*nshots]
- [GASPS]

Get down!

Hello?! What's happening?!
Are those g*nshots?

- Um, yeah. That-that was...
- Is my daughter there?

- Where are you?
- That was g*nshots, but she's not here.

- Tell me what's happening!
- I don't know. I have to call you back.

It's okay, it's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. Stay down.

- f*ck was that?
- Get down. Get down.

- SAM: Jesus.
- [TIRES SCREECH]

- [VAN ENGINE REVS]
- Oh.

[PANICKED CHATTER IN DISTANCE]

- You okay? Oh, my God.
- Jesus. Stay down.

Stay down.

What happened?

Welcome to Van Nuys.

Email me.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Let's get you home, Jason.

He sh*t into the sky? Was he an idiot?

All those b*ll*ts
have to land somewhere.

That's exactly what I said, Gran.

Somebody stole a shipment of wine.

Frankie googled it.

Well, all we can do is be
grateful no one was hurt.

We don't need another
injury in the family.

Another injury? What do you mean?

Well, you know, after
Max broke her nose.

The business with the hospital.

No. I don't know, Phil.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, dear.

I wasn't supposed to... [CLEARS THROAT]

No, hello, please, or
are we just gonna pretend

that you didn't just tell me

that my daughter was in the hospital?

Max took care of it.

I paid the bill through her lawyer.

They won't be bothering us anymore.

SAM: How much did you pay this person?

Phil?

$ , .

And he wanted more for her bail.

Don't go anywhere.
We're coming right over.

Mom, relax.

I'm very relaxed.

[SAM SIGHS HEAVILY]

It's fine.

[KNOCKS]

Phil?

I don't understand. Did
it even sound like Max?

She told me it was her,

but she said her voice sounded odd

because she was in a car accident

and her nose was full of gauze.

And you just believed this?

Well, I had my suspicions,

but the hospital administrator

said that they would
refuse to release her

unless I paid her bill.

Phil, that wasn't
a hospital administrator.

[SIGHS] I realize that now.

I wasn't born yesterday.

But at the end of the
day, what did they take?

- It's just money.
- Phil.

They have your information.

Your accounts. Your address.

FRANKIE: Mom, can you
please stop freaking out?

We've already filed the police report.

Apparently, it's been
happening to tons of people

- in Los Angeles.
- Who filed a police report?

- You and Max?
- No. Me and Gran.

Um, surprisingly enough, Max...

"the, uh, oldest, the mature one"...

was not involved at all.

I did it all. I handled it.

You see? All taken care of.

Was anyone planning on
telling me any of this?!

Don't get hysterical.

You see, this is exactly why we decided

it would be a sister secret.

SAM: A what?

It's when we all collectively decide

to keep something from you,

because you're insane and blow
everything out of proportion.

So, everyone's a sister?

Even her?

And I'm over here, not a sister.

Just a lonely turd floating around

in the pickle jar by myself.

Is that how this works?

Okay, Gran. I'm gonna help
you with your groceries.

I got you that cinnamon
cookie dough that you love.

Oh, wonderful. You're so good to me.

Yeah! [LAUGHS]

I'm so lucky.

[PHYLLIS LAUGHING]

[EXHALES]: Ooh...

[SIGHS]

["KINGS OF SPORT" BY QUEEN'S
HALL LIGHT ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

Eddie of Western Costume!

Hey, Sam.

- Good to see you.
- You, too.

Oh, hi. Um...

What did you just call me?

Uh, nothing. I said, "Hi, um..."

Oh, I thought you called me "ma'am."

Oh, no. No.

Uh, I'm here for a fitting

for the Untitled Robert
Fair Morriss Project.

This is Dragnet .

- Oh...
- Look, reception's up front.

Make sure you're parked in the
right zone or you'll get towed.

[IMITATING JACK WEBB]:
"Okay. Thank you very much.

Thank you, ma'am.
Just the facts, ma'am."

Oh. That was...

No, that's a Dragnet reference.

That was not...
You-You're too young to know it.

I'm .

[WHISPERS]: ?

Holy f*cking sh*t.

Hello?

[PLAYING MELODY]

Dun.

- Hello?
- [BELL RINGS GENTLY]

Anybody here?

- Bueller?
- [RINGS]

Okay.

I guess I'll just sign myself in.

Signing my...

self.

[BELLS RING]

[CHUCKLES]

["S.O.B" BY NATHANIEL RATELIFF
& THE NIGHT SWEATS PLAYING]

winter hats.

wig caps.

Novelty resort straw...

♪ I'm gonna need someone to help me ♪

♪ And nobody's gonna give a damn ♪

♪ Son of a bitch ♪

♪ Give me a drink ♪

♪ One more night ♪

♪ This can't be me ♪

♪ Son of a bitch ♪

♪ If I can't get clean... ♪

I love this.

Oh, my God. Shoes.

- ♪ My heart was breaking ♪
- Max would love those.

- ♪ Hands are shaking ♪
- Ooh.

- ♪ Bugs are crawling all over me ♪
- What? What?

I'll just steal all the hats
from the hab'dashery.

♪ Son of a bitch ♪

♪ Give me a drink ♪

♪ One more night ♪

♪ This can't be me ♪

♪ Son of a bitch ♪

♪ If I can't get clean ♪

♪ I'm gonna drink my life away ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Whoa.

♪ Oh ♪

[CHUCKLES]

My people.

- ♪ Oh... ♪
- [CHUCKLES]

This is so nice.

Sam Fox?

I... Hi. That's me.

You're minutes late, and
we have rolling fittings today.

- Shall we go?
- Yes. Yes.

Sorry about that.

[GASPS] Oh.

- Shall we go?
- Coming right now.

I'm coming.

Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thirty-four.

Thirty-seven.

[QUIETLY]: Jesus.

and a half.

Oh.

[GRUNTS]

[SPUTTERS]

[CHUCKLES]

I know. I try clothes on
like that in the store.

Sorry. Yes. [CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUNTS] Oh. Okay.

Thirty-eight.

Twenty-seven.

. Here.

This. Put this on.

Oh, right here?

I mean, can I just go
in the changing room?

[CHUCKLES]: This is the changing room.

Okay. Could I ask if...

You mind... Could you guys
turn around for a minute?

How about this?

If you're uncomfortable,

then you turn around and undress.

That way I can still
see you and do my job.

I totally get you.

You know what? I wanted to see...

There's a little space back here,

'cause I feel better
that way. [CHUCKLES]

I'm shy.

Little shy.

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- You don't like it?

What? No.

This is great.

I don't know if you know this, Sam,

but you are so pretty.

Oh.

- Mm.
- Can you take it in?

Like, really take it in?

Yes. Yes.

Thank you very much. Taking it in.

Putting it into my pocket.

- I'm so... pretty.
- [QUIET CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

- [QUIET CHATTER CONTINUES]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, is there a bathroom nearby?

I really have to go to the bathroom.

JANNA: You have to go?

- Like, right now? This second?
- Yes.

- Yeah, I didn't have to go until...
- [JANNA SIGHS HEAVILY]

You put this corset on me,

- but I... Yeah.
- It's on the other side

- of the building.
- Thank you. I'll be right back. Ow!

Thespians. Wow.

MAN: That's the one.
Let's take a look at that.

- WOMAN: Okay.
- The one that says... [CHUCKLING]

It looks like my mom's.

- Yeah, that's the one.
- Ron!

- SAM: I love you!
- Oh, no, Sammie Fox.

- Is that you?
- Ron.

- Oh, look at you.
- Hi!

- [CHUCKLING]
- My God.

- Don't ask. What...
- No.

[LAUGHS]: What are you doing here?

Same as you, a costume fitting

for this sitcom sh**ting
in San Francisco.

One of those new fancy streamers,

and I'm executive producer.

That's so good, Ron.

- I think I hate the movie I'm doing.
- What?

I thought you were directing now.

I saw your episodes of
Happy & Broke last year.

I was, but now I'm back to
doing whatever this is, I guess.

You want me to put you in the mix?

I'm putting you in the mix, Sam.

We're hiring only female
directors right now.

We're trying to save some
spots for older women.

- For older women?
- Yeah.

[LAUGHS]: Oh, okay. Thank you.

No, I mean like really
old, like over-the-hill old.

- You'd be perfect.
- Perfect. [LAUGHS]

No, listen, Sam, this
is right up your alley.

Show's all about family, new beginnings,

and pain-in-the-ass kids.

You know, I really want to,
but I'm stuck on this thing,

and I have no idea
how long it's gonna go.

Might be a way you can do
both. Talk to your agents.

Remember all those years ago,
your dad coming on the set?

We'd laugh our tits off.

Man, we had a ball.

That said, uh, he
knew all my bad traits,

so I don't think he
really wanted me around

his adorable-ass daughter.

Oh, Ron. [CHUCKLES]

You're doing the gig, Sam.

Okay, come play with us.

And I promise, I won't play too rough.

- Still so bad.
- Yeah. You know me.

- I know!
- Give me, give me, give me.

Wow, you just lifted me right up.

I'm gonna see you, Sam.

- [SPITS] I hope so. Bye.
- Yeah, you will. You will.

SAM: Wow, I'm really excited.

♪ Petticoat, Petticoat,
Junction, Junction ♪

- RON: All right, where were we?
- SAM: See you, Ron!

RON: All right, darling. All right.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hi, Mal.
- You shouldn't FaceTime and drive.

- What do you want, Mal?
- How'd the fitting go?

[CLEARS THROAT] Not great.

[GRUNTS] Yes.

I stood there for five
hours while that n*zi lady

yanked me like a stretch doll.

MAL: Ha! That's hilarious! First of all,

Janna Morghenstal is Danish, not German.

And secondly, she's
a f*cking vampire genius.

She's known for her coats.

- It's like... [LAUGHS]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

I don't know, Mal.

This whole thing is giving me shpilkes.

Nobody's being clear about
the sh**ting schedule.

Did you know that they're
sh**ting in Belarus?

- Belarus?
- Hundreds of extras,

really complicated.

At least I'll get to chill
in Belarus with Donald Glover.

[SCOFFS] He won't be going.

They're sh**ting him out in
Indiana and are cheating it.

You will be there for three weeks.

- Mostly night sh**t.
- Five, actually.

Listen, honey, I swear to God,

this project, it's gonna
be great for your profile.

- Why, though?
- I just told you. Your acting career.

You can find a way to
make this work, right?

I didn't do it right. I know.

Five weeks? On another continent?

- [EXHALES]
- I can't do that.

It's like bird cages.

- I have responsibilities.
- Yes.

Mal, is it too late for
me to get out of this?

I have only had one fitting.

I need to know what I'm doing,

- and this makes me feel out of control.
- Oh. Okay.

I can do that. Thank you.

This is a mistake, Mal.

I can't. I can't go.

I feel stupid. I...

I feel like I-I-I-I...

I don't love it enough, Mal.

I don't know if I love acting enough

to do this, Mal.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is a sin.

This is a shonda.

You never turn down work, ever.

My people come from laborers
and hardworking survivors.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Mal. Mal.

Please, please get me off of this movie.

Please. I can't believe
I was wearing that.

I hate it.

I can't. I can't, I can't
wear the wishbone.

Mal, I feel like I'm moving backwards,

and I need to move forwards.

Please. Please, please.

Please, please, please, please, please.

- Please.
- Okay, you'll sleep on it?

[SIGHS HEAVILY] No.

- A little sleep on this one?
- Nope. Nerp. No.

I feel so good deciding this.
Don't you, Mal?

Why would I feel good?

But I am here to support you, so... yes.

Fabulous. Nice speech, Norma Rae.

Yes. I feel alive!

Oh, yes! Yes!

["ADDRESSED TO ME" BY
SURGEONS IN HEAT PLAYING]

- Padres.
- ♪ My baby's got it all ♪

♪ Ain't what it used to be ♪

- ♪ I give you all the world ♪
- Can't get the dumb thing off.

- ♪ And I found the melody ♪
- Expos.

[POPPING LIPS]

- Thank you.
- ♪ When you wake up ♪

♪ You found this note,
it was addressed to me ♪

- Cardinals.
- ♪ When you wake up ♪

♪ You found this note ♪

- Yes.
- ♪ It was addressed to me ♪

- ♪ And right before the fall ♪
- [GASPS]

- f*ck you, garlic. Ow.
- ♪ You were looking back at me ♪

- ♪ I never see you anymore ♪
- Mmm. Oh, f*ck.

♪ You left a mystery ♪

- I just saw... Angels.
- ♪ When you wake up ♪

♪ You found this note ♪

♪ It was addressed to me ♪

♪ When you wake up,
you found this note ♪

♪ It was addressed to me. ♪

No, you can't have any.

Okay. Ooh, the ballots.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

_

[GROANS]

Serious?

Frankie. Jason.

Honey baby, come on.

- It's starting.
- Mom, look at this.

- LESTER: Are you there?
- [GASPS]

- Oh!
- This is marvelous.

We should've been doing this for years.

Yes, it is something.

It was good to see the girls.

Yes, they're quite grown.

- FRANKIE: Don't you love that?
- You've got a lot of wrinkles.

SAM: Where did you find this?

FRANKIE: I made a screen recording.

You've got a bald spot.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Uncle Lester. Oh, my God.

I miss him.

Same.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

Ooh, it's wind-ing.

Remember when you were a little girl

and you used to say,
"Mama, it's wind-ing"?

- You love the wind.
- Yeah, during the day.

I don't f*ck with the wind at night.

[CHUCKLES]: Oh, my God.

[SINGSONGY]: Ooh...

Auntie Em! Surrender, Dorothy!

[LAUGHS] Wow.

- [FRANKIE GROANS]
- Are you ready to go?

FRANKIE: Yeah.

What?

What? You're leaving?

Yeah. Jason's brother has a concert,

- and we promised we would go.
- Wait a second.

I planned a whole thing.

We were gonna watch the finale together.

- We made a whole big thing about it.
- Sorry, Mom.

You can give Max my plate, though.

Thanks for thinking of us.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Mom.
I promise you next time, okay?

- I love you.
- [STAMMERS]

Bye.

Okay, cool.

Well, I did have some rather large news

that I wanted to share with you.

I made a choice.

Choice.

I made a choice,

and, uh, I did a very hard thing.

It took a lot of guts.

I quit a job

that wasn't gonna be good for me,

and I feel better about it.

I just wanted you guys to know that,

and also I cooked all day.

I made sloppy joes and profiteroles,

and I printed out
ballots for the finale.

Also, also, I cut my finger to the bone.

Bled for you guys, but that's cool.

You go do your own thing.

I'll just go and watch
the finale with the dogs

by myself, and... [GROANS]

And even the dogs aren't here.

- [GROANS]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

Now vodka. Vodka now.

["MERCY TRAIN" BY
BLUES SARACENO PLAYING]

♪ This mercy train... ♪

♪ Foot in the grave
till the white light... ♪

♪ Girl, you know how I feel... ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ Young girl, get out of my mind ♪

♪ My love for you is way out of line ♪

♪ Better run, girl ♪

- ♪ You're much too young, girl ♪
- [KNOCKING]

♪ With all the charms ♪

- ♪ Of a woman ♪
- [BARKING]

[KNOCKING]

Hi, can I help you?

- Here for the package.
- What?

They said you had a package for me?

Um, no, I don't have a package for you.

It's a cell phone. Pink cell phone.

- Pink cell phone!
- Yeah. Yeah. [LAUGHS]

- The package. You're the TaskRabbit.
- Yeah, yeah. Yes.

- Boom.
- I'll be right with you.

What's your license
number? Just kidding.

- I know that's a different thing.
- [CHUCKLES]

Gonna get Rip Taylor's cell phone.

[SNIFFLING]

- Here you go.
- Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome. Um, excuse me.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Do you like this job?

Do you make your own hours?

Yeah, it's great.

I just came here from Kansas City, so...

- Oh. Kansas.
- Yeah.

That's-that's... I hear
you guys have a lot of corn.

Right? You have a lot of corn.
Like, canned corn, candy corn.

cr*cker Jacks.
"You're the prize in my box."

- That's from a movie.
- Yeah.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

You look familiar.

What do you do?

Oh, me?

- Yeah.
- I'm a housewife.

That's awesome. That's amazing. I...

[LAUGHS]: I have so much
respect for what you do.

I-I love housewives.

Oh. [SNIFFLES]

That's very swee... Anyway,
you have a good night.

Uh, yeah. You, too.

Chewy, come on.

Let's go.

- ♪ Young d*ck, get out of my life ♪
- [PHONE CHIMES]


♪ My love for you is way out of line ♪

♪ You better run, d*ck ♪

♪ You're much too young, d*ck ♪

[WHOOPS]