04x10 - The Story of My Life

[bunniefuu]

VARDEMUS: Behold,
one of the Seven Great Wonders

- of the Ancient World.

Does anyone know the name
of this majestic sight?

Come, now. Your parents
spend a great deal of money

to send you to this institution.

(DISTANT COUGH)

As Virgil once wrote,
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

You're a new face, and judging
by that unseasonable cap, plenty bold?

Um, the Great Pyramid of Giza, my man.

Ha. At least someone's
been paying attention.

Lights, please.

This architectural marvel
was the tallest structure in the world

for over , years.

But for all we know about them,

the pyramids remain a mystery
to this day.

How were they built?

Why?

For the sole purpose
of burying the kings of Egypt,

or by some higher power
for a reason as yet unknown?

And if we dare to consider the latter,
by whom?

STUDENT: Aliens, bro.

(LAUGHTER)

To think supernatural forces
or alien life

do not exist in some form or fashion

is both shortsighted
and deeply narcissistic.

Does anyone here believe
such things are possible?

Or are you all taking this class
simply to mock me?

HOPE: I believe.

Yes.

I am quite certain you do.

♪ ♪

The Salvatore School is in crisis.

Our home is in disarray.

"Disarray" means dirty dishes
or breaking curfew,

not all of our friends being gone.

Which is the very issue we must address.

As we remain here, we are the leaders
of our respective factions.

We must decide what to do
about our troubling new guest.

Uh, Ben. That's his name.

Ben does not pose a direct thr*at,
as of yet,

but his mere presence
could destabilize our school even more.

He is afflicted by a condition
I do not yet understand.

With all due respect,

all we need to understand
is that he's a monster magnet.

And as much as I love inclusion,

we've got to take care of our own
before we lose anybody else.

Kaleb had to go home,
and he can't come back while Ben's here.

So Ben's got to go. That's my vote.

Duly noted.

In counterpoint, I may be able
to find an inspired solution

for what made Kaleb
and Ethan att*ck Ben.

If he remains here for me to study him.

That is my vote.

Also, noted. But for the record,

I do not consider Ethan
a friend anymore.

So I guess that means it's up to you.

Oh, hell no. I-I'm not qualified. I...

You are the alpha. That is
the only qualification necessary.

So, are you with her...

or with me?

Both?

Speaking as the guy who used to...
punch new kids in the face,

I totally get distrusting outsiders.

But I also think this place
is way better for having Cleo here,

and she wouldn't be
if we'd kicked her out.

(JED SIGHS SOFTLY)

I need to talk to Ben before I vote.

Figure out if the risk
is worth the reward.

"If you pray twice a day
beneath a false face,

you'll be as blue in the face as I am.
Who am I?"

Let's face it. We're screwed.

How did I ever let you convince me

that giving the sphinx all of our coins
for this mumbo jumbo

was a good idea?

It's the second time that that
bewhiskered scam artist has betrayed me.

Well, if memory serves,

you were trying to bring about
the end of the world the first time,

so, eh, probably not the best example.

- Ugh, details.
- LANDON: Would you two stop?

Everything in the sphinx's
first riddle came true.

Maybe not exactly how we expected it to,

but love was definitely
the greatest destroyer of all, trust me.

Perhaps you should trust me instead.

Dr. Dolittle's desperate,

and his poor judgment
is gonna be the death of us all.

We're already dead, Ted.

I-I'm s-struggling to recall

when any plan you've ever made
has worked, and...

bubkes.

Look who's talking.

How did that whole monster apocalypse
of yours work out, huh?

As I was saying,
we have no reason to believe

this riddle is gonna be any different.

If we can solve it, unlike the last one.

Which is why we need to work together.

Three heads are better than one, right?

Not when his is one of them.

So until you can riddle me that
and convince me otherwise...

I'm taking a nap.

JED: Well, bad news.

It's on me to decide whether or not
you can stay at the school.

Ben?

Uh, look, you don't know me well enough

to know how bad
relying on my judgment is,

so maybe you should wake up.

It's still here.

(CREATURE SNARLS)

(SCREECHES)

(SCREECHING)

(GROWLS)

Ben. What the hell was that?

The story of my life.

VARDEMUS: This is astounding.

HOPE: Does that mean
you know what it is?

Not exactly.

But certain elements...
Uh, this writing, for example.

Not visible to the naked eye,

but scrawled in blood
in multiple languages,

speaking of the gods.

But the gods
of a dozen different cultures.

- Maybe more.
- (SIGHS)

Look, I know you're supposed
to be the expert, but...

gods don't exist.

Nor do vampires.

At least as far as most people
are concerned.

Myths are but one discovery away
from becoming our reality.

Did Virgil say that, too?

No, I did.

At first glance,
I assumed this was a forgery,

but my preliminary analysis
points to it being ancient.

I'll have to run many more tests
to divine its purpose and origin,

but out of curiosity,

why bring this to me
instead of your headmaster?

Oh, Dr. Saltzman and I had a fight,
so I'm taking the semester off.

I see.

A supernatural Rumschpringe?

If you say so.

It pains me to hear that.

I dearly miss the Salvatore School.

I only toil at this
all too human palace of privilege

because the university
funds my research.

Uh, which, speaking of...

I should do a thermal sweep.

Extraordinary. Someone's inside.

And miraculously, they're alive.

(LAUGHS) Trust me,
it'd be much more of a miracle

if Lizzie Saltzman were dead.

Hope.

What's happened to you?

You're supposed to be so brilliant.
You tell me.

Can we speed this up?

Places to go, people to k*ll.

I am moving as fast as I can.

Well, it's not fast enough.

I've tried everything
to destroy that artifact,

and nothing has worked.

So if you can't, either,
and you're just stalling...

Merely release Elizabeth from it.

She's a siphon witch.

She should be able to remove
any magic that protects it.

Mm, yeah, well,
I guess I forget to mention that I, uh,

k*lled her and she's technically
in transition.

She'd be a Heretic,
a vampire who is also a witch,

able to siphon an endless amount
of magic, which sounds like a lot.

So I did a sleep spell on her
and I'm waiting for her to starve.

Speaking of transitions...

I didn't realize becoming the Tribrid
would make you cruel.

Oh, my humanity is off, so...

like I said,
I'd move faster if I were you.

Pentelic marble should do the trick.

If I'm right about the origins
of the artifact you've brought,

the marble may be able
to absorb its powers,

as it was said to centuries ago
in ancient Greece.

Eureka. I've found it.

Hmm. A bowl.

Only until one looks inside.

Okay. Not a bowl.

It's a trap.

This is a Chambre de Chasse.

I'm from New Orleans.
You can skip the lecture.

That's French
for "stupid witch escape room."

Which means I'm going to escape.

And when I do, I'm gonna k*ll you, too.

Then hopefully Elizabeth and I
will be gone before you can.

(SIGHS)

MG: What's with the rush?

Where's everybody going?

I may have inspired Finch

to take the entire school
on an impromptu field trip.

It will help her, too.

She's been very depressed
since Josie left.

I know the feeling,
but did you tell them about the monster?

Then this place is gonna be
just as dangerous when they get back.

Milton, I know how much
you miss Lizzie and Josie.

Kaleb is my boyfriend now.
I miss him, too.

Then maybe you should change your vote.

Maybe Hope was right
about what it takes to be a leader,

and we just hadn't been pushed
far enough to realize it yet.

Her humanity is off.
Ours is our only advantage.

So perhaps you should help me
trap this monster instead,

and trust that I will find a solution
to return our friends.

JED: Don't worry.

This barrier spell Cleo put up
should keep the monster out.

Which means we got plenty of time
for that story of yours.

(BEN GRUNTS SOFTLY)

Why bother? We're living it.

I don't know. Maybe because last night,
you said something about

"monsters were the least
of our problems"?

Because they're nothing
compared to gods.

(SIGHS)

Sounds epic. Tell me more.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

It won't change anything.

Well, I'll be the judge of that,
remember?

(SIGHS)

My mother used to tell me a story,
many nights when I was a child.

_

As she told it,
our people loved the gods.

One in particular, in her case.

And I was the proof of that love,

which explained
my invincibility in battle.

I fought to keep our village safe,
but I had no use for the gods.

They never revealed themselves to me,

nor did I ever ask anything of them.

Ashur.

Wake up.

I am finally home.

Until the day that Ashur,
my best friend and lover, fell ill.

And I realized that both of those things
would need to happen

were Ash to live.

Why do I get the feeling
like this story is about to ruin my day?

Aw, that's sweet, but we haven't
even reached the ruinous part yet.

Oh, boy. (CHUCKLES)

Fear not, Jed. For when we do,

you will know exactly
what to do with me.

(PANTING): Ouch!

(GASPS)

Oh. Hey, Professor.

Are you okay?
You look like you've seen a ghost.

Something far worse than that,
I'm afraid.

Who are you and what do you want?

Uh, my name's Jen.
I loved your lecture today.

I wanted to talk more.

Ah, I see.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, uh, hmm...

If knowledge of the supernatural world
is what you seek,

then you must help me to open this.

- But I must warn you, Jennifer...
- It's just "Jen."

Zip! In doing so,

you will take a step into a larger
and far more frightening world.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm kind of trying to avoid
that whole thing right now.

Ah.

Um, is this the latch?

Holy crap.

Curse my delicate hamstrings.

I may not have been fast enough.

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth. Can you hear me?

(GASPS)

(EXHALES)

(GROANING)

(BODY THUDS)

Dude.

Ugh. That is so gross.

Yet I'm still hungry.

Okay, that was embarrassing.

Still getting the hang of my new powers,
so bear with me.

Speaking of. Don't leave this room.

I'm saving you for dessert.

Whatever you say, dude.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Oh, my God. Fangs.

I'll give you a closer look
when I get back.

Right after I k*ll Hope Mikaelson.

♪ You hide, I'll seek ♪

♪ Come play... ♪

May as well start with the obvious.

Daddy issues.

♪ Just close your eyes ♪

♪ I'll take ♪

♪ What I need ♪

♪ Come out, come out, wherever you are ♪

Fine.

♪ Come out, come out, wherever you are ♪

This doesn't look like it's going well.

Not yet, but only so many keys.

That's not what I meant.

I escaped the artifact, obviously.

- Mm.
- Completed my transition.

See my fangs?

Hmm. Well, lucky for me,
becoming a vampire has, uh,

heightened your stupidity,
because now you're stuck here, too.

What it's heightened is my urge to do

what I should have done
in the first place: k*ll you.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

I'm practically an expert
on mental prisons by now,

so I'll give you a hint:

getting out is always about getting
to the root of your problems.

And the truth is...

you've always been my problem.

Which means I get to leave
whenever I want.

Then why bother to come in here?

I thought I owed you a goodbye.

You can't k*ll me.

Maybe not in here.

But out there, in the real world,
where you're completely defenseless?

That's another story.

It was a big tree, Hope.
I made more than one stake.

♪ Come out, come out,
wherever you are... ♪

Including cute ones.

You're lying.

No. You're dying.

And this time, I won't lose my nerve.

- (WHOOSHING)
- ♪ Go too far ♪

Vampire powers are so fun.

♪ Come out, wherever you are. ♪

ALARIC: This is impossible.

I give up.

That's not an option.
This is your plan, remember?

Okay, "If you pray twice a day
beneath a false face,

you'll be as blue in the face as I am.
Who am I?"

Wait.

I know the answer.

You're a gullible moron who's doomed us
to remain in Limbo forever.

- (GROANS)
- LANDON: Knock it off, Ted.

Things are bleak enough
without you saying stuff like that.

He's right.

I am a desperate man.

I'm dead.

I can't help my daughters,
Hope is on a rampage,

and my students are dealing
with all of it alone.

Maybe the mistakes I've made in the past
and continue to make

means that this is the fate that...

that I deserve, but not you.

I used to feel that way
being a foster kid.

Bouncing around
from house to house all the time.

I mean, if no one
ever wants you to stay,

there's got to be something
wrong with you, right?

But then, Rafael walked into my life
feeling the same way.

He blamed it on his anger issues,

felt he was, uh, doomed because of them.

So doomed
he didn't even bother to unpack

the four things he owned
from his suitcase.

Then I realized how wrong he was.
I mean, he had to be.

He was one of the best people
I had ever met.

Which meant I was wrong about myself.

And once I convinced him of that,
and myself,

we unpacked our bags together.

Became brothers.

Look, however the three of us got here,

our sins don't define us
unless we let them.

I promise, you're just one good moment
away from believing it.

So, why not make this...

that moment?

Hands together.

Pray twice a day.

Like the hands of a clock.

That must mean the clocktower.

Oh, we can work with that. (CHUCKLES)

Welcome back, Ted.

JED: I know what I would do.

If someone I loved was hurting,

I-I'd march right up to the gods' palace
or whatever, and be like,

"Dude, are you my dad or what?"

(CHUCKLES) That's exactly what I did.

Hopefully,
my plea didn't sound that ridiculous,

but what father wouldn't want
to help their son, right?

Mine, as it turns out.

The gods of our village
lived atop a high mountain.

I brought Ash to the threshold
beyond which mortals could not pass.

There, I cried out to my father
for the first time.

Not for his love, but his help.

But he never came.

And so I took matters into my own hands,
as I had my whole life.

But Ash was not a god
as I supposedly was.

(WIND WHISTLING)

And that is how I learned
my mother's story was true.

Holy crap.

So, what'd you do?

I claimed my birthright.

Stole it, actually.

I can't imagine that went over well.

It did not.

Do you know
what separates men from gods?

Togas? (CHUCKLES)

Magic.

Magic that I hoped
would save Ash's life.

But it was too late.

(TREMBLING): Ash...

(SOBBING)

(SCREAMS)

By the time I returned with the fire

this world would come
to know as magic...

Ash was dead.

I am so sorry.

And I think I know what happens next.

The gods cursed you,

- made monsters to hunt you down.
- Gods didn't create monsters.

I did.

Out of spite, I gave the magic
I stole to the village.

I figured, that way,
people could help themselves

instead of worshipping these fickle,
uncaring sky bullies.

I was foolish to think that, too.

Why? What did they do with it?

What humans always do.

They sought the same power
and privilege the gods abused.

They didn't want to stop
worshipping the gods.

They wanted to be them.

And in their lust for that power,
monsters were born.

Along with many of the world's ills.

I'm cursed to this day
because I trusted them.

- Perhaps I deserve it.
- Like hell.

Look, I can't uncurse you or whatever,

but I can give you a place to stay
while we figure out how to.

A new home.

You got my vote, is what I'm saying.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

I'm grateful. But...

I can't accept.

Well, you can't leave, either.

Barrier spell, remember?

The blood of a god
flows through my veins.

Magic cannot hold me.

Farewell, Jed.

Oh, God.

He is so dead.

No crap, dude. You k*lled him.

(GROANS)

(GASPS)

Most vampires make that seem
a lot less painful.

Can I just get some space?
I don't want to get a contact high.

[GASPS]

Dude.

I am just as surprised
as you are, Jennifer.

Thank you.

But I assume there's a reason
you saved my life?

I need your help.

Because as much as I want
to k*ll Hope Mikaelson, I can't.

(GRUNTS)

See what I mean?
I literally can't k*ll her.

Try this.

If you can't k*ll 'em...

maim 'em.

(GRUNTING)

Son of a bitch. What is wrong with me?

I have a theory,
but as with all theories...

it must be tested.

Okay, h... Why did I do that?

It's bad enough that I can't k*ll her.
Now I'm protecting her?

I think it's time you told me
exactly how you became a vampire.

It doesn't matter.

She won't be one for much longer.

CLEO: I found the answer.

Where's Ben?

Oh, Ben? Yeah, he just, uh,

waltzed through that barrier
because he's a freaking demigod.

(SCOFFS)

Then that is not all
that makes him special.

His blood was found
on one of the creature's quills.

Oh, that's weird.

I have wolf ears
and I can't hear anything.

Monsters can.
That is how they track him.

If I can spell a solution
to mute this frequency,

maybe I can free Ben from his curse.

You know these are made out of wood?

Ben's lucky he's not a vampire.

But MG is.

And I've just sent him
to find the monster.

MG: Where you at?

It's cool.

You don't have to answer.

(HEART b*ating)

Not as long as your heart is b*ating.

(GRUNTING)

Damn, Ben.
You could've gotten yourself k*lled.

Actually, I couldn't.

Jed said you voted against me,
so why do you care?

Old habits die hard, I guess.

(SCREECHES)

(GRUNTS)

Run.

(PANTING)

I'm surprised you escaped.

You usually suck at games,
'cause they're fun.

Turns out you showing up
was the hint I needed.

You made yourself my problem, Lizzie.

All I needed to do was find your key.

She won't be a problem any longer.

I know. Motus.

Because now that she's a vampire,
I know exactly how to k*ll her.

Technically, I'm a Heretic.
The Bibrid to your Tribrid.

- Incendia.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

Do you have a pencil I could borrow?

Hope, Elizabeth can do you no harm.

In fact, I'd be willing to wager
she'll do anything you say.

(LAUGHS) Like hell.

- I'll take that bet.
- Stop talking.

Whose blood was in your system
when you d*ed?

Answer him.

Beats me.

Whatever vampire donated their blood
to the school's first-aid kits.

What is happening?

It was my blood.

Which I'm guessing means
you're sired to me.

(SIGHS) Just when I thought
this day couldn't get any worse.

Where'd the artifact go?

I don't know.

Especially as it weighs over pounds.

That's not the only thing missing.

That stoner chick's gone,
even though I compelled her to stay.

Well, then it sounds
like you suck at compulsion.

It was my first one, okay?

Now, will you please let me stop
hopping around on one leg

like a drunken bunny?

Being mind-controlled
is a major violation of my agency.

Fine.

Though you did just try
to compel someone,

and I make the rules, remember?

- Right.
- Mm.

- Son of a...
- VARDEMUS: Please.

I am as shocked as you both

that your dynamic
could become even stranger.

But we cannot let
an immensely powerful artifact

that may have ties to the gods
loose into the world.

Okay. I'll find it.

But I'm only doing this

because I don't want her
stuffing me in it.

Know the feeling. Sucks.

Sweet. Now I can blow this
Popsicle stand before she gets back.

I've heard becoming a vampire
heightens your emotions.

I assume it's true for Heretics?

Beats me. Mine have always been
a little heightened.

Because you're a good person, Elizabeth.

So please, before you leave,
consider this:

Hope is in a very dark place,

and she's going
after an innocent student.

JED: Need a hand?

Already got one.

And that monster's got Ben.
Uh, most of him, at least.

Story of his life.

And I think I've figured out
what his deal is.

CLEO: You are our concern, MG.
You must get back to the school at once.

The monster's quills are made of...

(ALL GRUNT)

(SCREECHING)

This thing can't k*ll me,
but it can sure as hell k*ll you.

Go!

Not our style of leadership, right?

Speaking of style.

(SCREECHES)

(GROWLING)

I-I mean, that looks dope,
but what's it gonna do?

It will protect Ben
so long as he wears it.

If I am right.

(SCREECHING)

(CREATURE WHIMPERING)

(JED LAUGHS)

Booyah.

I know submissive behavior
when I see it.

You nailed it, Cleo.

BEN: It looks like it's... thanking you.

It seems like my curse
is also its curse.

So I guess I should thank you, too.

Yeah, I don't know, dude.
You're still missing an arm.

I'll mend.

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

HOPE: You're just full of surprises,
aren't you?

You mind telling me
why you're stealing that thing?

Or better yet, why my locator spell
didn't work on you.

I had to follow your scent.

Uh, it's a long story, man.

Well, I'm immortal, so...

Immortality's a bitch, huh?

I mean, not really. But I am.

So start answering my questions

or I'm gonna rip your arms off
and b*at you to death with them.

Well, I'm a pacifist.

So I don't really want to hurt you.

Don't worry. You won't.

(EXHALES)

Sorry, tiny angry dude, but...

you don't want to know the things
that you think you do.

First of all, ow.

Second of all,
now I really need to know.

Then for what it's worth,
I really wish you didn't.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, bitch.

Okay, whatever you two are,
I want no part of it.

Not an option, apparently.

JEN: Well...

then it's time to get high.

Well, you don't see that every day.

What the hell is she?

If I had to guess? A god.

JED: This is probably gonna hurt.

BEN: Always does. That's the point.

Yeah, because you're Prometheus.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

People don't think I'm smart,

but the grades I get
aren't for lack of trying.

I do the reading.

Especially when it comes
to something as badass as the gods.

It's more just "bad," in my experience.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

You're the bastard son of a god.

- I mean, you stole fire...
- Magic.

Whatever. From the gods
and gave it to the people.

That sucks it didn't work out, but...
that's a baller move.

♪ Black night ♪

♪ I'll go... ♪

So the gods punished you

by chaining you to a rock
so eagles could eat your liver.

And cursed you to heal by sunrise

so you could feel that same pain
again the next day.

Forever.

♪ Oh, I can see it now... ♪

So, there was a rock and chains,
but no eagles.

Just monsters.

That is my story and my curse.

And theirs, too, apparently.

The myths that persist today
are a gross oversimplification.

The names are all wrong, for example,

because you could never pronounce
my real one.

♪ Without you, it wouldn't be right... ♪

But I've come to prefer Ben.

It's simple, like Jed.

And I like simple.

Well, then, buddy, I'm your guy.

You can't be, because I can't stay.

The hell you can't.

Look, once a month,
I wake up in chains, too.

Covered in what I pray is my own drool.

Being cursed

is pretty much a requirement
for being at the Salvatore School.

♪ Oh, I'll face all these things,
but without you... ♪

Give it a sh*t.

I suppose remaining here beats

passing through the small intestine
of a gorgon again.

(LAUGHS)

Why the long face?

You said you wanted
to destroy that thing.

Mission accomplished.

Gods exist.

If Aurora ever found that out...

Well, that's your problem.

Actually, it's not.

Which is why I'm so depressed.

As much as I don't want it,
I need your help.

That's better than k*lling me, I think.

Care to elaborate?

Truth is, as powerful
as being the Tribrid makes me,

I've been waltzing into traps,

being blindsided
ever since I shut off my humanity.

I care so little about,
well, everything,

that I have been reckless, so...

While I shudder at the thought,

I need a partner in crime
to take Aurora down.

More like a canary in the coal mine.

Going after gods and bitchy vampires?
Hard pass.

You're sire-bonded to me.

You can't pass.

(SIGHS)

Hope? Just imagine how annoying
Heretic me will be.

See how heightened
my desperation is right now?

That's gonna get old real quick.

Not to mention, all my friends
are gonna come looking for me

the second they find out what happened.

Not if you do what I tell you.

Which you have to.

CLEO: Pukwudgie.

- Excuse me?
- (LAUGHS)

Aw, he's a good little Pukwudgie,

a woodland sprite
from Native American lore.

They can be quite peaceful and playful,
when not beholden to a curse.

Did you see how he teleports?

I think we may have finally found out
what Ethan's monster side is.

Uh, speaking of,

does this mean that him and Kaleb
can come back to the school?

It does.

Though I thought you and Ethan
were no longer friends.

I was quick to judgment today.

Good thing you and Jed weren't.

You're a good leader, Cleo.
The kind I've always wanted to be.

That makes sense,
because at every turn, I asked myself,

what would the MG I know and respect do?

Seriously?

You are a fine leader, too, Milton.
No matter what Hope said.

Thanks.

I am a little on tilt
with Lizzie being gone.

Now with the monster problem handled,
I can finally go find her.

I was gone for like five minutes.

And that is the ugliest
emotional support animal

I have ever seen.

Lizzie, where have you been?

Hug first. Talk later.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

You should probably sit down.

A lot's happened on my end.

You think he bought it?

If there's one thing
I've always been able to do,

it's manipulate Milton Greasley.

Even in astral-projection form.

As far as he's concerned,

I am going to spend
some time with my mom

to get accustomed to being a vampire,

and you are too dangerous to be around.

At least that last part's true.
But I hate that you made me lie to him.

Get over it. This could be
the beginning of a beautiful,

mutually beneficial relationship.

Hope, for the last time,
I don't want to do this.

I haven't even gotten my head
around being immortal,

much less being immortal
and on a su1c1de mission.

So mutually beneficial, my ass.
There is nothing in this for me.

Sure, there is.

Because once Aurora is dead,

I'll make you promise not to k*ll me
and I will send you on your way.

You'll be free-ish.

Do you really expect me to believe that?

I could make you. It's easier.

Don't bother.

Codependency is my crutch.

And if I have to help you k*ll anyone,

Aurora's pretty high up on my list.

Great.

You drive while I nap.

LANDON: Ted was right.
The riddle was leading us here, which...

not exactly what I was expecting.

Okay, so, new riddle.

What the hell is this place?

Well, like you said,
the sphinx has never lied to us, so...

someone in here must know
their way out of Limbo.

- Yeah.
- And if not,

- at least we can get a drink.
- Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT) Three bourbons.

Coming right up.

You're new to this establishment,
so that'll be three coins.

Bet you wish you had
some more of those coins now, mate, hmm?

What's the matter, gents?

Never seen a jinni before?

(CLEARS THROAT) Blue in the face.

Bingo.

On second thought, hold those drinks,

'cause we're gonna need
three wishes instead.

(CHUCKLES)

Then you've come to the right place.