01x09 - Charity Dinner

[bunniefuu]

Our top story tonight... Detroit's elite

is out in force at the Roydon Hotel

for an evening of glitz,
glamour, and good causes.

No, that's not the Oscars you're seeing.

It's guests arriving

to the th Annual Payne
Foundation Fundraising Gala.

For those lucky enough to make it

onto the star-studded invitation list,

it'll be a night of elegance,
class, and high fashion

on what has become

one of Motor City's
most glamorous nights.

Three, two... [groaning]

- Ooh, I'm pulling.
- You got to pull it harder.

Oh, you're gonna dislocate my shoulder!

- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
- Just use it. Use it.

That's right. Whoo!
[bleep], I'm sweating.

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

- [indistinct chatter]
- Oh.

[grunts]

Check that out.

Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking
for my friend Sadie.

She's about your height and...
Oh, my God!

Uh-huh. Is it too much?

No! Turn around.

- Ooh!
- You like it?

I just can't believe you dress

the way you normally do
when you're capable of this.

How do I normally dress?

Hey, guys, check it out.

Gangster faces! Ahh!

Does he think people enjoy him?

Or does he know they don't
and that's the point?

I don't know. It's probably
an unhealthy mix of both.

Well, it's time to face the music.

Oh, we can go around.
We don't have to...

Believe me. I gain no
pleasure from this.

[indistinct chatter,
camera shutters clicking]

Took the glasses off.

The name is Cyrus Knight. C-Y-R...

us.

Thank you. What's up? Thank you.

Ari Harman, two years on the board,

loves scuba diving,
third wife disappeared

under suspicious circumstances
in Thailand.

Third wife, Barbados.

- But you were close.
- Damn it.

Don't worry... As long as you know

all the board members' names,
you're gonna be fine.

No, if they want to replace
me, fine isn't good enough.

I've got to blow them away.

Well, if it's worth anything,

I think you're doing a really good job.

It's worth almost
nothing, but thank you.

You're welcome.

Just close your eyes
and imagine a chessboard.

They're all pawns, but you're the queen.

You can move any direction you want.

You can move multiple spaces.

You're gonna gobble them up

before they even know what hit them.

Okay. All right, I'm a queen.

- I'm a queen.
- They're pawns.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's helping. It's good.

Good. I got your back, Katherine.

- This is what we do.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and everybody's gonna love us.

Yeah, I mean, we are
pretty amazing party guests.

- We are.
- Everyone says it.

I'm not bragging.
It's what everyone says.

- Okay.
- All right, who's next?

I don't think that's a board member.

Ah, you won! This is a trick question.

This is actually
a young James Earl Jones.

Can you believe he was that hot?

- Wow.
- Yes.

[upbeat music]

♪

Hey.

Hey.

Wow. You look...

Thanks. You look, uh, too.

[chuckles]

- You remember Michelle?
- I do.

She was my co-star in a commercial.

I was the hot mom with the sexy husband.

- I remember.
- Yeah.

- Super hot.
- Thank you.

You were really good in that.
Um, made me want to buy a car.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- We're gonna go to the bar.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I got to do a thing.

You're a really beautiful woman.

[laughter]

We get so little time to talk
at the board meetings.

I had no idea we had this much
in common, Helen.

I know. It's so funny.

I'm like, "Third wheel alert."

Maybe you guys should get married.

[laughter]

Okay, I really need to go bid

on that dinner with Rachael Ray.

Oh, please, she should be
bidding on dinner with you.

[laughter]

[hushed] Oh, man, I have had
better conversations with Siri.

Negative charisma... just an
empty sandwich bag of a human.

- [chuckles]
- Who's next?

Hey-o! Someone get the lube

'cause we got a couple
of Payne Gala virgins.

- Oh, God!
- So, look, I know you guys

know I don't normally think of myself

as "a celebrity."

But this is a Payne family event,

and I am a Payne family member.

So, if we don't get a lot of
face time, it's not personal.

It's just everyone wants
a little slice of Wes.

- You feel me?
- I do.

- I feel you, Wes, and thank you.
- Uh, yes.

Yeah, we'll... we'll struggle on
as best we can without you.

- You're still my boys, though.
- Hmm.

Oh, uh, and there's hotel rooms upstairs

in case you meet a lady...

or a guy, Cyrus.

Hell, maybe, Elliot, you meet a guy,

and, Cyrus, you me a lady.

It's just one of those nights
where anything can happen.

Magic!

Hey! You look incredible!

Wow! I mean, based on the way
you normally dress,

I just assumed you were
religious or something.

- Um...
- Oh, this is Richard. Sadie.

- Hi. How do you do?
- Sadie, my husband, Richard.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

This is much nicer
than she usually dresses.

I'm not sure why we're still
talking about my...

Doesn't matter.
How's it going with the board?

Oh, she just dazzled
Westfall and Genzlinger.

Well, the one I really need
to impress is McGarry.

You know, if you have
the support of the chairman,

the rest of these idiots don't matter.

- Right.
- [chuckles]

Has anybody seen him, by the way?

No, but Novie and
Cantley-Kashima are over there.

Oh, great. We'll knock 'em
both out at once.

- Who are they talking to?
- Oh, that's that astronaut.

Yeah, I think he runs
an aerospace firm.

Oh, It's Charlie Altman.
Halo Aeronautics.

- Oh.
- He just left Halo, actually.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Where do you go from there?
- Hmm.

It's an open bar,

so anything you want to drink, free.

I know how open bar works, Wesley.

Wesley, do you know
why Charlie Altman is here?

Seems like he's getting
real cozy with the board.

Oh, you know what?
I know he went to dinner

with some of them a few nights ago.

- London Chop House.
- London Chop House?

That's where they took me when
they offered me the CEO job.

Oh.

Ruh-roh!

Could I have a lot of sh*ts
of something?

- Mark.
- Katherine.

- So nice to see you.
- Nice to see you as well.

- Hey, do you know Charlie?
- Charlie Altman.

Houston, we have an astronaut.

Katherine Hastings. It's a pleasure.

Charlie was telling me
some amazing stories

from his old space shuttle years.

Wow. What an accomplishment
that must have been.

I mean, piloting... Well, actually,

do you fly, or are they more
computerized nowadays?

Computers do most of the work.

So you're sort of along for the ride,

kind of a passenger on a bus.

I'm sure it's just a bit
more complicated than that.

Yes, of course.

Otherwise, we would just have
sent monkeys up there.

Although I guess at first, we did.

We did some monkeys up there.
That worked out all right.

And how are you finding the new job?

Big Pharma to Big Auto...

Those are some pretty
different skill sets.

Yeah, you know, but selling is selling.

And when you have a great product,

- it kind of sells itself, so...
- I'm glad to hear it.

Just don't go getting a bunch
of old grannies

- addicted to cars.
- [laughs]

Didn't work out so well
for you last time, did it?

No. And I heard you just left Halo.

Hope it wasn't a MeToo situation.

[laughs] No, no, no.

I'm sure we would have heard
something about that.

Yeah, of course, we would have.

Although, with NDAs these days,

you know, you don't always hear.

[laughs]

You made that point last week.

I mean, you're talking
torque versus power.

Exactly.

EVs, isn't it? You can't quite get both.

Unless you're the Roadster .

Zero to in under seconds.

See, that's not even fair.

The McLaren takes
three seconds... the McLaren.

- I know, it's crazy.
- It's ridiculous.

Is it true red cars go faster?

[all chuckle]

Oh.

My brother told me that as a kid.

I'm just hearing how dumb it sounds.

It's not. No, that's not dumb.

- Could be true.
- It is possible.

- Yeah, we should look into it.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

From bringing clean water to the Congo

to rebuilding homes...

Unbelievable.

This guy is auditioning
for my job in front of me.

He's got balls. I'll give him that.

You have balls. You have big balls.

I mean, they're lady
balls, but they're big.

... Michigan Mentors,

pairing at-risk Detroit youth
with consistent role models.

Thanks to the Payne Foundation

and the Michigan Mentors,
there's nothing I can't do.

It went it! Oh, my God! It went in!

He is adorable.

You know what?
Maybe I should become a mentor.

Leave those children alone.

They have enough problems as it is.

And now your master
of ceremonies, Tom Bergeron!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I love how they edited that video

to make it seem like it
went right in the basket.

[laughter] Yes, I am Tom Bergeron.

Welcome to the Payne
Foundation's th Annual Gala.

The Paynes really are an amazing family.

Take Amelia Payne, for example.

Just made "Forbes'" Under list.

I'm sorry, Amelia, the work is good,

but I'm gonna need to see
a birth certificate.

[laughter]

Then there's Marshall Payne,
award-winning novelist.

Marshall writes books about...

Uh-oh, roasting time. I can take it.

This must be what a
marshmallow feels like.

This must be what a
marshmallow feels like.

- I heard you.
- I heard you.

They get roasted.

- I got it.
- Stop it.

Then Landon Payne...

Pro-golfer, successful
at hitting both the ball

and the bowl, if you know what I mean,

You do smoke weed, though. You do.

Shh, quiet.

And Hunter Payne.

You know, Hunter won his last
election by six points,

and he would have won by more,
but his check bounced.

[laughter]

Wish I made the same joke, man.

It's not really that good.

- What?
- Nothing.

[upbeat music]

♪

[camera beeping, shutter clicking]

Whew. Shall we hit the bar?

No! No! Let's do a couple more.

Okay. Couple more.

Guess who I am.

- Flavor Flav!
- Flavor Flav!

- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!

- Yeah, boy!
- [exhales deeply]

Oh.

Hi. Sorry. Excuse me.

Aren't you... aren't you the chap
from the video?

Uh-huh.

The foundation invited
Andre and me to the dinner.

I'm Sierra. I run the
mentorship program.

Elliot. Hi. It's
a wonderful-looking program.

I have to say, young Andre here
really tore up

the silver screen over there...
A true showman.

I like your accent.
He sounds just like James Bond.

Oh, gosh.

Wow. That's... that's honestly
one of the nicest things

anyone's ever said to me, Andre,

you silver-tongued charmer.

I was a real fan
when I was a boy, you know?

"Shaken, not stirred."

It's Sprite, but, uh, you know...

- It's pretty funny, right?
- Say something else.

Uh, okay. What would he say?

He'd say, "Moneypenny, get in here

and bring Q with you," or something.

It's not a direct quote.
It's pretty good, isn't it?

Uh, you know, I actually have got

a lot of spare weekends now,
you know, since the divorce,

Um, and I was thinking
I could possibly volunteer

to be Andre's big brother.

- Michigan Mentor.
- Right. Yeah, whatever.

Well, Andre actually
already has a mentor,

but there are a lot of
other boys who could use one.

Right. Yeah, well...
Oh, no, well, I'm sure.

I can... I can... I can well imagine.

Um, so how does it work?

Is there sort of a menu
that I can sort of pick from?

Oh, no. I'll just take down
your information,

and we'll assign you someone.

- Oh, oh, a-a surprise.
- [chuckles]

Oh. [laughs] I love surprises.

I know, but it's weird

he couldn't think of anything
bad to say about me.

It's like, I'm not
perfect, Tom Bergeron.

Or maybe he didn't think
you was important enough

to mention... You ever thought of that?

Ha ha, burn.

One Pinot and one club soda
with lime, please.

- Not a big drinker, huh?
- Oh, I'm such a lightweight.

I got to stay sharp.

It's an all-hands-on kind of night.

Can I just say... I-it's really cool

how supportive you are of Katherine.

Not a lot of guys would do that.

She is the CEO
of a "Fortune" company.

Mm.

I teach math to fourth graders.

So, if I have to hold her purse
sometimes to let her shine,

I'm happy to do it.

My ex dumped me 'cause
I wouldn't let him promote

his essential-oils pyramid
scheme on my work listserv.

Oh, you know, it's a two-way street.

I hold her purse at fancy galas,

and she comes to my PTA mixers...

I mean, if she's not off

doing business in Mumbai or someplace.

Oh, well, I doubt she'll have
to go to Mumbai anytime soon.

- [chuckles]
- What about that new factory,

the one in Mumbai...

that she keeps going to?

Oh, Mumbai, India.

Uh, yeah, I-I think we got...

I mean, I'm not really
on the manufacturing side,

but Asia...

[chuckles awkwardly]

I-I...

- Richard, wait, wait...
- What have you been doing

- when you say you're in India?
- W-where?

India, that country in Asia

you claim you've been traveling to?

Richard was just asking
about the new plant,

and I couldn't remember
if you've been going to Mumbai

technically or just
the Greater Mumbai area.

- Are you cheating on me?
- Richard, please!

Can we talk about this in private?

- Yeah, fine.
- Thank you so much.

[chuckles awkwardly]

Is it someone at work?

- Is it that British lawyer guy?
- Ew! No!

I mean, obviously, not him
specifically, but it could be...

Richard, I am not cheating on you.

Sometimes I just check into
a hotel for a couple of nights.

- What?
- Alone. Alone.

I order room service. I watch movies.

We have every streaming
service on the planet

- at our house.
- There's something special

about channel surfing in a hotel.

You get in in the middle of the movie,

who are these people?
How did they get here?

I don't know. I'm just here
to have a good time.

Wait, so all the times
that you said you couldn't make

one of my events,

it's because you wanted
to watch pay-per-view?

My job is meeting
after meeting and speeches

and interviews and dinners,

and sometimes
I just need a little me time.

"Me time"?

I have never missed one of your events

because I needed me time.

I mean, that's...

How selfish can one person be?

Here, take your damn purse.

- Richard, please don't leave.
- Why?

'Cause you want me
to help you work the board?

No!

It's a lot of reasons.

Please.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Why so sad, Treebeard?

Saruman cut down your forest again?

Andre was taken.

Not like Liam Neeson starrer "Taken."

I mean, he's already got a mentor.

So, instead, they've given me...

Hector, what's your
favorite class in school?

I don't know. PE, I guess.

- I mean...
- He seems fine.

"Fine"? Yeah, well, that's actually

the perfect word for it.

It's fine, he's fine.

Andre was [bleep] damn adorable.

- You're a terrible person.
- I mean, look at this.

"Hobbies, baseball."

Oh, wow, Hector. That's original.

God!

♪

Tough night?

I may have just destroyed
Katherine's marriage

on one of the most
important nights of her career.

Other than that, I'm great.

How about you? Where's your date?

Yeah, boy! [camera shutter clicks]

Ooh, doing a Flavor Flav
thing over there, huh?

She is really into him.

Don't even think she noticed
I'm not there.

You really found
your princess, didn't you?

[both chuckle]

He had to carry a special
little ass pillow...

Uh-oh. Family talking to
coworkers, worlds colliding...

My worst nightmare.

We're hearing young Wesley stories.

Ah, yes. I was a bit of a wild child.

Yeah, a bully put a rock up your butt.

No, no, it was... it was a pebble, so...

It was about that big.

It was... didn't go all the way in.

I remember our grandmother,
she shows up there,

and she looks at him and she goes,

"You're a disgrace.

You're never gonna have a real job."

She said that to him.

She had lost her mind
at that... at that...

She was old, but she was kind of funny.

- And I proved her wrong, so...
- Well, not really.

I mean, what are you, an intern?

No. Our interns are actually useful.

- Oh, zing! You got me.
- Owned. Owned.

That's a good one. No,
seriously, though...

No, seriously, I'm just asking.

I'm not busting balls.
What do you do here?

Okay, guys, come on.

- You know what I do.
- Seriously, what do you do?

Well, he stinks up the bathroom a lot.

- Ah, zing again!
- Oh, always, always.

It's Burn City around here.

We called him the Climate Changer

'cause it was always degrees warmer

after he was done taking a dump.

That was... that was one
time that it happened.

Oh, yeah. He sets off fire alarms.

Remember, I specifically
said that wasn't me.

All right. All right.
His th birthday...

- Mm-hmm.
- Panic att*ck.

Had to call the fire
department, locks himself...

Hey, Landon, maybe instead of weed,

Bergeron should have
mentioned the heroin.

Why don't you go back to rehab,
you [bleep] junkie?

You broke mom's heart.

Zing.

Oh.

The men's room on the other side.

Oh, yes. No, I know.

I was waiting for you
to come out of the ladies' one.

I got your email about Hector.

Um, he seems like
a fantastic little chap.

Yes, anyone would be lucky
to be his big brother.

- Michigan Mentor.
- Exactly.

Yeah, but the thing is, I have
a bit more of a connection,

- I feel like, with Andre.
- Right.

But Andre already has a mentor.

Yes. No, sure, but I
was thinking perhaps

we should let Andre choose
who his mentor was,

you know, because if this other chap

has got a better connection with Hector,

you know, and we could swap.

Uh, yeah, we don't do swaps.
It's better for the children

that they bond with just one mentor.

Right, but, you know, what if
Andre's mentor turns out to be

a molester, you know...
Have you thought about that?

Because I don't think that's
gonna be much better for him.

Do you know what I mean?

So you're proposing that we
put the molester with Hector?

Well, Hector... Hector
is older, isn't he?

So he's... he's stronger.

He's got a better sh*t
of fighting the guy off.

Do you know what I mean? So...

Talked to Harman, talked to Novie,

talked to Gates. McGarry's a no-show.

You'd think the chairman of the board

would show up to this thing?

Maybe he needs a little "me time."

Richard, can we not do this?

My job is on the line.
This is important.

This is important? What about me?

Okay.

- Aren't I important?
- You are.

- Oh! Richard!
- Ow. Oh, my God.

No, I don't do blood. Mm-mm.

All right. Oh, God. Oh, God.
This is gonna need stitches.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Oh, no.
- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Let's get you to the emergency room.

- Really? You sure?
- Yes. Oh, God.

There will be other nights.

I probably need to be surgically removed

- from these Spanx.
- Okay.

- Keep pressure on it.
- I will. I will.

Oh, my God, it's McGarry.

Now he shows up?

Aren't we leaving?

Sweetheart?

Darling, I'm...

Hospital. Yes. Mm-hmm.

- Darling?
- Mm-hmm.

- Darling?
- Mm-hmm. Right.

- Darling?
- Yes, yes. Yes.

- Well, where are we going?
- The exit.

- The exit's that way.
- Oh, yeah.

No, that one is closer, but... Soren?

Hi! Soren.

Richard, this is Soren McGarry,
the chairman of the board.

- Hi.
- Soren, this is Richard.

Richard, pleased to meet you.

- Oh!
- Oh, I cut myself.

- Oh, oh. Are you...
- It's nothing.

- It's actually really deep.
- He exaggerates.

Oh, what are you two
over here conspiring about?

We were just talking

about the future of the auto industry.

Charlie here has some
pretty interesting ideas.

Oh, really? Yeah, I do, too.

I have... I have lots of them...
I was actually hoping

to share some of them
with you here tonight.

Katherine, I really think...
I'm sorry, I should go.

Yeah. Why don't you
just wait right over there?

It'll be ten seconds, I promise.

- Right.
- Okay, okay.

- Sure.
- All right.

I'll be out in a minute.

I have been thinking
that an electric-model Pika,

I mean, even if it's not profitable,

well, um, uh...

well, um, would help cultivate our, uh

our... our... our image,

um, you know, as a progressive...

[upbeat music]

I had to cut a massive
check to get myself

out of the whole Hector situation.

I think that was their plan
from the start.

Lure the suckers in with the eye candy

and then lump them with a dud
and make them pay up.

When describing a young boy,

maybe try not using
the phrase "eye candy."

- Okay.
- Hey, Wes.

Want to come with us to get some drinks?

Oh, uh, I'm sure my family

wants me to do something with them.

They'll be fine.

Yeah. Thanks.

You know your family sucks, by the way.

Hey, what's... what's going on?

I'm waiting for a room.

Richard says we should take
a couple of nights apart.

At least I think that's what he said.

His texting hand has six stitches,

so it's mostly gibberish.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I didn't know about the India thing.

Do you think I'm a selfish person?

Selfish? No. Um...

- I know that I am.
- Hmm.

My first husband used to say,

"How can you be married to me

when you're already
married to yourself?"

That's why he's your ex.

Well, name me the successful
CEO who isn't a little selfish.

You know, the winner
of the rat race isn't the rat

who's, you know, spending her time

thinking about all
the other rats' feelings?

They should put that on a poster.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It felt good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Tom Bergeron is having
a party in his suite.

Want to get weird?

Nah, I'm... I'm pretty tired.
I think I'm just gonna pass.

- You should go, though.
- You sure?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, have fun.
I'll call you.

All right.

See ya.

[upbeat music playing]

Hey, you coming?

- Definitely.
- Yeah, boy!

- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah, boy!

I'm never gonna die!

This is Michigan Mentor's website, okay?

It's all Andre.

No sign of Hector, of course.
You know why?

- I...
- 'Cause he's an absolute dud.

Hey, I meant to tell you earlier,

you... you look good tonight.

Do I normally look
like a garbage person?

No, no. You always look good,

but tonight you look more good.

- Thank you.
- Whoo! Who is thirsty?

Me!

Hey, you guys should try this.

I've never done this before.

How do you like me now, Bergeron?